Wednesday, April 02, 2003

THE ROAD TO JUSTICE (AND THE ALF CUP) IS TWISTED

THE SHIELD lived up to the hype and the preseason forecast by soundly winning the 2003 ALF Cup Final last night against 4-time and defending champ This Hour Has 22 Minutes.

22M stumbled in a manner similar to 3 years ago when they rolled over and played dead with a clip show against Twin Peaks. This time, the clips all tied in with the doings in Iraq, and there were plenty of top-notch anti-Yank zingers, but a clip show is a clip show, and not a good strategy to employ in an ALF Cup Final.

The Shield, meanwhile, stayed right on the schedule that made them the season-long pick to win it all, posting up with an excellent season finale. As soon as it was announced last fall that the 2nd season would wrap up during the week of the Final, Vic and company were a virtual lock to take home the trophy.

"I'm a different kind of cop."

Still, a bit of luck was involved along the way. Sometimes, it's not who wins, but who loses (and when). 22M got to the Final by virtue of a semifinal win over a subpar ep of South Park, which got to the semis by virtue of a win over Royal Canadian Air Farce, which got preempted that week by CBC war coverage.

One surprise: Series star Michael Chiklis was figured to be an easy choice for playoff MVP, but instead that honor went to co-star Walton Goggins. This season was a real tour de force for his character, Shane Vendrell. Let us toast him with a yammy full of Georgia joy juice!

ALF CUP CHAMPIONS (playoff MVPs in parentheses):
1987-ALF (ALF)
1988-ALF (ALF)
1989-ALF (ALF)
1990-ALF (ALF)
1991-ALF (ALF)
1992-ALF (ALF)
1993-Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Michael J. Nelson)
1994-The Secret Life Of Machines (Rex Garrod)
1995-Animaniacs (Rob Paulsen)
1996-Due South (Paul Gross)
1997-Carson's Comedy Classics (Johnny Carson)
1998-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Mary Walsh)
1999-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Rick Mercer)
2000-Twin Peaks (Kyle Maclachlan)
2001-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Preston Manning)
2002-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Colin Mochrie)
2003-The Shield (Walton Goggins)

Saturday, March 29, 2003

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sunday, March 23, 2003

IN THIS CASE, THE SIMPLE SOLUTION OF WAR IS SIMPLY THE WRONG ONE
by Steve Lopez, LA Times

H.L. Mencken should have been here.

"For every problem," he said, "there is a solution which is simple, clean and wrong."

Sums it up nicely, if you ask me.

Like you, I have two hopes. That the war in Iraq goes quickly, and that the loss of life is minimal.

But that's exactly what brought us to the brink -- the simple-minded notion that against the laws of history and logic, and with minimal sacrifice, we can shape a world that suits our needs by the sheer force of military might, God's will be done.

We don't know what it will cost, but we're going to war.

We don't know what comes next, but we're going to war.

We can't find the money to equip police and fire units with the equipment they'll need to take on terrorists, but we're going to war.

We can't liberate millions of American children from failed schools or rescue millions of medically uninsured in this tanking economy, but we're going to war.

You have to admire the clarity. But President Bush didn't do it alone.

God is on his team, he tells us, which explains why he sleeps easy. He is wrapped in the swaddling embrace of evangelical imperative, and may God keep blessing America, as Bush intoned in his national sermon the other night.

The fundamentalists who killed 3,000-plus Americans were operating on a parallel conviction, by the way, so they sleep easy too. Particularly since Saddam Hussein, for reasons that remain a mystery, replaced them as Public Enemy No. 1.

Since last June, when I first started writing about the inevitable war of prevention, I've checked in periodically with USC professor Richard Dekmejian. At one point, I asked the author of "Islam in Revolution: Fundamentalism in the Arab World," if there is any way this war can make the world safer.

"Miracles can always happen," he said. "It is the holy land, after all.... But I see chaos and a massive increase of international terrorism ....Everything I know about Iraq ... tells me there will be near-term and long-term crisis after Saddam is defeated."

That's partly because in our rush to plant the seeds of democracy, we've trampled every international democratic institution in our path. The hypocrisy has alienated friends, which will make this mission all the more complicated, and allowed enemies to say, I told you so.

The planet rotates with a wobble because of an imbalance of wealth and power that fuels anti-American sentiment, and we respond with tax breaks for the wealthy and the mother of all bombs. My favorite line in the walk-up to war appeared in a story from Wall Street in which a broker was quoted on the rumored arrest of Osama bin Laden. Remember him?

"If they do get him," said the broker, "it's got to be good for a pop in equities and a decent pullback in bonds, say 10 basis points on the two-year yield. That's got the short-term crowd nervous."

Who needs David Mamet?

I'm short-term nervous and long-term too. Even if there's no chemical or biological disaster and the war goes smoothly, if there is such a thing, the hard part comes in a couple of weeks. That's when some dust-covered commander will be standing in the middle of the world's largest sand trap, looking at 25 million Iraqis and wondering, OK, now what?

If anyone in Washington has a good answer, it hasn't been heard.

But we're going to war.

To make things all the more interesting, our new next-door neighbor will be Iran, which, unlike Iraq, actually has a nuclear program to worry about.

But make no mistake, this risk carries certain rewards. The Blair Bush Project, should it succeed, puts guess who? -- America and Britain -- first in line at the oil trough.

That's right. A president and vice president with zero combat experience between them have guided us into war that will fatten the industries that made them rich, and turn Iraq into a subsidiary of Halliburton, Enron, or whoever.

I've got more combat experience than Bush and Cheney, and I wasn't even enlisted. In brief tours of Iraq and Bosnia, I saw just enough of what war is about to feel compelled to speak up for any alternative.

Congressional representatives, on the other hand, with only a handful of sons and daughters in the military, remain virtually mute, having long ago taken a vow of submission.

In its collective failure to make a compelling case for combat and draw more allies to the cause, Congress and the president have raised the danger level for troops sent to Iraq. And do not for one minute let them tell you this war was a hard choice.

Diplomacy is hard.

Peaceful resolution is hard.

Leading the world by earning its respect is hard.

Raining record numbers of megaton bombs on an absurdly overmatched foe is simple in the most elemental ways, and for this time and place, it is wrong.
*
(Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve.lopez@latimes.com)

Saturday, March 22, 2003

2003 GEAK TV ALF CUP PLAYOFFS

Well, this sucks.

I was afraid that the stupid war would fuck up my playoffs. My fears were realized Friday night when 3, count 'em, 3 playoff contenders got preempted by war coverage.

When I tuned in to my usual Friday night comedies on CBC, instead of seeing Air Farce at 8, all I got was Peter Mansbridge. At 9, An American In Canada got zonked as well. This turn of events handed wins to South Park and Made In Canada, which also got zonked, but got a win earlier in the week via a rerun. MIC would have advanced anyway by virtue of being seeded higher than AAIC.

The only question now is, will next week's new eps of 22M and MIC get zonked by war coverage, leaving them to fall back on their weekday afternoon reruns? Or will those reruns get zonked as well? The smart money is on a Shield-South Park final, as both are running new eps, and neither should be in any danger of getting preempted. But as Chris Berman always says, "That's why they play the games."

Semifinals--March 23-29:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 4-South Park
3-The Shield vs 7-Made In Canada

Quarterfinal results:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes def. 9-Monk 2-0
4-South Park def. 5-Royal Canadian Air Farce 2-0
7-Made In Canada def. 18-An American In Canada 2-0
3-The Shield def. 6-The Simpsons 2-1

Meanwhile, time to unveil a new weekly feature here on the Pond...TMs Of The Week! Each week we'll have two winners, one in the Inbox division and one in the Outbox division. This week's winners:

Inbox: After sending several TMs (with no response) to Max while he was at his job on an overnight cleaning crew, he finally answered "CANT TM NOW IM USING ACID" which was followed about 10-15 seconds later by "CANT TM NOW IM USING ACID 2 CLEAN". Yeah, I was wondering how LSD would help in cleaning. I suppose the possibilities are endless. Woohoo! Toxic super freakouts!

Outbox: I was describing a dream I had earlier this week to my pals. In the dream, ALF and I went out to brunch. We had freedom toast, freedom fries with a side order of fredom onion chip dip, and freedom dip sub sandwiches. Then we went back to my place and started freedom kissing, and then, well, this brings us to the TMOTW: "THEN I FUCKED HIM IN THE ASS WEARING A FREEDOM TICKLER". (Granted, certain readers may be disturbed that I mentioned ALF in the joke. To them I say, hey, it could have been worse. Use your imagination, campers!)

Saturday, March 15, 2003

2003 GEAK TV ALF CUP QUARTERFINALS

It's been quality over quantity in this year's ALF Cup playoffs. The forecast calls for plenty of fresh eps.

Quarterfinals--March 16-22:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 9-Monk
4-South Park vs 5-Royal Canadian Air Farce
7-Made In Canada vs 18-An American In Canada
3-The Shield vs 6-The Simpsons

Second round results:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes def. 16-Futurama 2-0
9-Monk def. 8-The Sean Cullen Show 2-0
4-South Park def. 13-Inside Cup Racing 2-1
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce def. 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews 2-0
7-Made In Canada def. 10-The Osbournes 2-0
18-An American In Canada def. 2-Survivor 2-1
3-The Shield def. 19-Frasier 2-0
6-The Simpsons def. 11-The Red Green Show 1-0
DEMOTIVATORS

If you haven't seen these before, go. See them. Now.

Demotivators

Once there, just check out all the links on the right.

(Personally, I think quite a few of these would look nice on the walls over at Convergys.)

Sunday, March 09, 2003

2003 GEAK TV ALF CUP PLAYOFFS

The first round, as usual, was pretty uneventful, though there were two upsets. The real action begins this week, as all the top seeds begin their quest for the Cup.

Second round--March 9-15:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 16-Futurama
8-The Sean Cullen Show vs 9-Monk
4-South Park vs 13-Inside Cup Racing
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce vs 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews
2-Survivor vs 18-An American In Canada
7-Made In Canada vs 10-The Osbournes
3-The Shield vs 19-Frasier
6-The Simpsons vs 11-The Red Green Show

First round results:
16-Futurama def. 17-Life & Times 1-0
13-Inside Cup Racing def. 20-Freakazoid 1-0
18-An American In Canada def. 15-The Crocodile Hunter 2-0
19-Frasier def. 14-Whose Line Is It Anyway 2-0

Saturday, March 01, 2003

2003 GEAK TV ALF CUP PLAYOFFS

A record low turnout of just 20 shows are set to do battle on the road to this year's ALF Cup championship. Nonetheless, it promises to be an interesting tournament...

First round--March 2-8:
16-Futurama (Fox/Toon) vs 17-Life & Times (CBC)
13-Inside Cup Racing (Speed) vs 20-Freakazoid (Toon)
15-The Crocodile Hunter (AniP) vs 18-An American In Canada (CBC)
14-Whose Line Is It Anyway (ABC/Fam) vs 19-Frasier (NBC/Syn.)

Second round--March 9-15:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (CBC) vs 16/17 winner
8-The Sean Cullen Show-R (CBC) vs 9-Monk-R (ABC/USA)
4-South Park (Com) vs 13/20 winner
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce (CBC) vs 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews-R (TVL)
2-Survivor (CBS) vs 15/18 winner
7-Made In Canada (CBC) vs 10-The Osbournes-R (MTV)
3-The Shield-R (FX) vs 14/19 winner
6-The Simpsons (Fox/Syn.) vs 11-The Red Green Show (CBC/PBS)

Quarterfinals--March 16-22
Semifinals--March 23-29
2003 ALF Cup Final--March 30-April 5

Thursday, February 13, 2003

EVERY OLD IDEA IS NEW AGAIN

For those of you who haven't been visiting StickFight.net on a regular basis (and if you haven't, what the fuck is wrong with you?!), you may have missed the rebirth of an old pet concept of mine.

Perhaps some of you remember "Survival Of The Least Objectionable". Perhaps not. Perhaps because when I tried it out on you, my precious posse of pals, you reacted to it with as much enthusiasm as Marvin The Paranoid Android at an "Up With People" Super Bowl halftime extravaganza.

The concept, for those who forgot, was to take a group of people (fictional or non-) deemed rather annoying by the general public, and vote to kill off the most annoying of all, one by one, until we are left with the least objectionable of the lot.

About a week ago I gave new life to SOTLO in the Stickfight forums, and it garnered a nice voter turnout. The contestants for Season One were The Castaways (Gilligan, Skipper, etc.), and much as I expected, Mary Ann emerged the sole survivor.

And so I have now rushed headlong into the second season with The Brady Bunch as the next group of victims...er, contestants.

To vote and weigh in with your thoughts, simply follow the StickFight link on the right, and you're sure to see the latest SOTLO round listed under "Latest Forum Threads".

Friday, January 03, 2003

CRAPPY OLD YEAR!

Good fucking riddance, 2002. You were the worst calendar year of my life. Any 2002 calendars I get my hands on are gonna get burned to a crisp. Except of course for the one on which my mom noted things such as birthdays of friends and relatives, as well as those of Nascar drivers, and the Nascar TV schedule.

Nonetheless, in spite of the horror that was 2002, I still have my usual year-end awards to give out...

GEAK ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Always a prestigious award. And this year, many fine efforts from the likes of Monk, Wendy Snyder, The Basement, Cleo Glyde, and Coldplay, just to name a few. But the winner is:
THE SHIELD

SONG OF THE YEAR
Another perennial biggie. Usually there's a tournament, but this year there's no need. Although there were serious challenges from the likes of Pansy Division ("Flower", "The Summer You Let Your Hair Grow Out", "Obstacle Course", etc.), Foo Fighters ("All My Life"...possible 2003 SOTY?), Uriah Heep ("Sweet Freedom", "July Morning", etc.), Bruce Springsteen (several tracks from "The Rising"), and Steve Dahl ("I Wish I Was The Pope"), one band had this award in the bag in mid-year and fended off every challenger, including songs from their own new album ("In My Place", "The Scientist", etc.). It was used to great effect at the end of the first season finale of The Shield, it could apply to my mom's death, and it was the one song that, even by title alone, summed up the entire year. The 2002 SOTY is:
COLDPLAY, "TROUBLE"

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Now this is a toughie. I'm gonna need your help on this one, campers. Email your picks to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com and I'll post the winner later. Here's the nominees:
Coldplay, "Parachutes"
Coldplay, "A Rush Of Blood To The Head"
Pansy Division, "Absurd Pop Song Romance"
Pansy Division, "Pileup"
Pansy Division, "Undressed"
Rush, "Vapor Trails"
Joe Satriani, "Live In San Francisco"
Bruce Springsteen, "The Rising"
Taco The Wonder Dog, "Taco The Wonder Dog Covers The Hits"
Uriah Heep, "Classic Heep: An Anthology"

CATCH PHRASE OF THE YEAR
In any other year, this would have been an interesting one-on-one battle. Steve Dahl's imitation of Dahl Show "Computer Bitch" Ed Silha yielded many top catch phrases, including "I will not wear someone else's pants!", "I will not drive through Pennsylvania!", and "I will not buy a glass fish tank!". But the biggie, the signature, the touchstone, the trigger phrase, was, of course, "SEATBELTS!" And Edzila's main competition would be from the movie championed by Dahl himself, "Pootie Tang", which gave us a plethora of phrases that make no sense, are fun to say, and can be used throughout everyday life. From "Sine your pitty on the runny kine" to "Cole me down on the panny sty" to "I can't say the nay-no, my brother" to "Sepatown" to "My main damie" to "Sa-da-tay!", and my personal fave (because it almost sounds like "Whatever"), "Wadatah", Pootie Tang could have singlehandedly locked up this category. But as with the SOTY, one catch phrase summed up the main story of the year, as well as the year in general. Though it may seem a bit of a downer, I feel it my duty to give this award posthumously to my mom, who kept repeating this phrase on Feb. 21, easily the worst day of the year as well as my life. The 2002 Catch Phrase Of The Year is:
"THIS IS REALITY."--THE LATE ALVA PRIBE

THE CARL SAGAN AWARD (BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR)
In previous years, I tried to limit this award to movies I saw in the theater for the first time that year. But 2002 called for a change. I saw a couple of movies for the first time in 2002 on video that were released in previous years, and both must be included in my top 6, including #1. Let me quickly give honorable mention to "Men With Brooms", "Red Green: Duct Tape Forever", "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course", "Die Another Day", and "Fight Club". But as good as all those were, my choice is clear. (And no, it's not "Fellowship Of The Ring". I'd have to give that Worst Movie status. A 3-hour nerd-fest. You don't normally expect to hear a movie character utter the line "We will taste man-flesh!" unless you're cruising at the Bijou in Chicago.) The 2002 Movie Of The Year is:
"POOTIE TANG"

THE TRIO AWARD (BEST COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR)
As in 2001, ads shown during Nascar races make up most of the top com'ls of 2002, though they DO get awfully repetitive. The ones I never got tired of: UPS's ads with Joe Walsh and George Thorogood, and Mikey Waltrip's Napa ads ("I'm at the wrong track!"). But even though he appeared in several of their ads, the first one with him still stands as the best. And this was one of the few remaining awards not on his mantle. And, face it, any time ALF is eligible for an award, you can send the other nominees home early. The 2002 Com'l Of The Year is:
10-10-220, ALF (WITH TERRY BRADSHAW)

MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
I'm completely stumped, folks. I can't even think of any nominees here. Please email your nods to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com and we'll see who/what we end up with.

WEBSITE OF THE YEAR
The new Dahl.com is snazzy. JoeCartoon.com has some funny moments (Aw, my freakin' head, I'm so wasted!"). And the new Shagout.net is good but not as good as the old Shagout. Screw it, time to let my ego out for some fresh air! The 2002 Website Of The Year is:
THE DUCK POND!

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

STICK IT TO ME

While you're waiting for me to post the nominations for all my usual year-end awards, here's some stuff to keep you occupied...

Stick figure fighting: it's all the rage! I think. Here's a few links to get you started on this fascinating new spectator sport:

Xiao Xiao #3
One of the first stick figure fighting films I saw, and still one of the best.

Stick Figure Death Theater
This is where I found the above film. A ton of others, including more from Xiao Xiao.

StickDeath.com
Just what it says. Fun for the whole stick figure family.

There. Now you know just a few of the many places where you can stick it.

Monday, December 16, 2002

IF THIS WORKS, I'M PLAYING THE LOTTERY NEXT

Okay folks, this is a long shot, but it's worth a try...

Is there, by any chance, anyone reading this who happened to save the text to the "No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus" piece I wrote last year for the old Shagout multi-person blog? If so please email it to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com so I post it again this year. I'm just too damn lazy to try to rewrite it. Thanks.

Saturday, December 07, 2002

I'M STILL HERE

Been experiencing a bout of writer's block lately. Bear with me.

Monday, November 25, 2002

ALL YOUR ANGST ARE BELONG TO US

Found something interesting. It's the cover art of an album that our very own Shaggy released a few years ago, during his brief Kenny Loggins/Al Stewart/Cat Stevens-type introspective phase. I think it'll be out on CD soon.

Click the link below to check it out.

Rock me gently

Saturday, November 23, 2002

IS THIS TOO MORBID?

In the wake of my mom's premature demise, and the inevitable disputes over who gets what, I have naturally been giving a lot of thought to what will happen to my stuff should I check out early.

I have yet to craft a will, hopefully soon I'll get around to it, but in the meantime, I could use your help, mi amigos.

Who wants what?

Come on, stake your claims now! I have to die sooner or later. Why should my worldly possessions take up space in a landfill? Help recycle, dammit!

Okay, so you guys can't call dibs on my organs, but the rest is up for grabs!

First and foremost, there's all my ALF stuff, much of which you have been reading about here the last few. Then there's my vast stockpile of audio and video tapes, the content of which runs the gamut. After that, it's pretty much the usual worldly-possession-type crap. Some worthy of resale, some only of sentimental value, but overall nothing to write home about.

Mind you, I am a borderline minor local celebrity, so if there's anything currently in my possession that would make for tabloid fodder, I trust my executor will keep it hidden from the general public. Speaking of which...

Who calls executor? "All the all the outs in free!"

Tell ya what, let's settle that as fairly as possible...

My...mother...and...your...mother...were...hanging...up...clothes...
My...mother...socked...your...mother...in...the...nose...
What...color...of...blood...came...out?

Friday, November 08, 2002

THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER

A good week for me ALF-wise. First the "Got cat?" poster, then the "ALF Files" DVD, then my new ALF cell phone face plate.

The best part about the face plate? The main button is strategically and conveniently located right over ALF's crotch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch...

And so the ALF paraphernalia collection grows. Next I'll be stockpiling ALF plushies. Hey, you gotta have backups.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

IS IT JUST ME...

...or are my posts getting shorter?

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

I'M VERY...HAP-PY!

I am now the proud owner of The "ALF Files" DVD. Oh yeah. I have creamed my jeans. My nipples have exploded with delight. My hovercraft is full of eels.

I'll watch it later today. But first I'm just going to lie in bed next to it and cuddle with it for a while.

Monday, November 04, 2002

MMM...THE NEW KITTEN TERIYAKI SUB...(DROOL DROOL)

Thanks to Shaggy, there's a new #2 pic in the Gallery too. Also the Shagman has sent his first query to the Ask blog. Much obliged.

And I'm just about to make a run for the border to grab my copy of the ALF DVD, which Shagola tipped me off to.

Tell ya what, let's just declare this "Give Your Props To Shaggy" Day!

No, wait, I forgot, it's Nov. 4. Never mind. This is already "Death To America" Day. (Hey, I didn't name it. Bite me.)

Saturday, November 02, 2002

"I'VE BEEN FRAMED!"

We've had a swap for the top spot in the Gallery. And the hard copy of the new #1 pic is now in my possession. Read more about it!