2008 ALF CUP AND ABBIE AWARDS RESULTS

The big news: Holy shit! We had another split this year...

The 2008 ALF Cup champion is: THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW

L-R: Darren, Sam, Trevor, Zach and Timmy are ALF Cup champs

However, the Abbie Award for Best Overall Series went to early season juggernaut DEXTER.

Dexter racked up 8 weekly wins during Weeks 6 thru 17, building such a huge lead in the points that it stayed in 1st place until Week 34, an amazing 17 weeks after ending its spring run on CBS. And it added 8 more wins in the Abbies, including Best Drama Series, Best Rookie Series, and Best Theme Music.



Series star Michael C. Hall, who practically carried the show singlehandedly with a Dahmer-like, creepy-yet-charismatic performance, snagged 4 more Abbies for the series: Most Valuable Performer, Best Drama Series Lead Performer, Best Overall Lead Performer, and Best Rookie Performer.

WKUK, in addition to the ALF Cup, took home 6 Abbies, including Best Comedy Series, Best Comedy Series Ensemble Cast and Best Overall Ensemble Cast. Episode 205, which included the 'Whale Tail' sketch (and 3 other skits that made my top 10 list), won Best Episode, and 'Whale Tail' itself won Best Segment and Best Catch Phrase ("Holy shit!").

SWINGTOWN, originally a CBS summer series, didn't score until late in the year after a marathon on Bravo, finishing 73rd in points, but surprisingly won 4 Abbies thanks to co-star Miriam Shor. Shor had me completely fooled in "Hedwig And The Angry Inch", and she was an absolute hoot as Janet Thompson, winning Breakthrough Performer, Best Drama Series Supporting Performer, Best Overall Supporting Performer and Best Character.



(Here's hoping Bravo or some other cable network picks up Swingtown for a second season. A show about swinging couples could get away with a lot more on cable. If the show does return somewhere, I also hope they can write the daughter out of the show or re-cast the role with a girl who doesn't look like the Cryptkeeper!)

Among other multi-Abbie winners:

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA collected 3 Abbies: Best Sitcom Series Ensemble Cast, Best Song ('Day Man') and Most Boinkable Performer (Artemis Pebdani).

FAMILY GUY, the 2006 ALF Cup champ and runner-up last year and this year, got 2 Abbie wins: Best Animated Series and Best Animated Series Performer (Seth MacFarlane).

TESTEES picked up 2 Abbies for Best Sitcom Series and Best Sitcom Series Performer (Steve Markle).

6 shows won 1 Abbie each: CORNER GAS won Best Sitcom Series Supporting Performer (Eric Peterson), THE SHIELD won Best Drama Series Ensemble Cast, MYTHBUSTERS won Best Information Series, THE RICK MERCER REPORT won Best Comedy Series Individual Performer (Rick Mercer), THE HENRY ROLLINS SHOW won Best Information Series Performer (Henry Rollins), and INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO won Best Information Series Guest Performer (George Carlin).

Other highs and lows of the 2008 ALF Cup season worth some honorable (or dishonorable) mention:

The Shield series finale: Early reports were that this would be a very satisfying curtain call. It wasn't. It was supposed to tie up all the loose ends. It didn't. Vic ends up with a desk job? No huge reward or punishment? Nope, he just packs his gun at the end and, like the shark that series creator Shawn Ryan describes him as, keeps on swimming. Meanwhile Ronnie takes the fall? Ouch! Also I really wanted Vic to kill Shane (but I guess he did indirectly). And why couldn't we find out that the ol' cat-strangler Dutch was himself a serial killer all along?

Royal Canadian Air Farce's Final Flight: Class all the way. Bringing back Dave Broadfoot for the finale, Ron Maclean firing the last shot from the Chicken Cannon (right after they took a parting shot at the CBC), and a singing Peter Mansbridge (Yikes!). Congrats to the former ALF Cup champ on a great run, you guys will be missed.

Robot Chicken Star Wars Special II: I love the bit with Darth and Lando ("This deal's getting worse all the time!" "And here is a unicycle!...")

Testees: After a slow start, this show found its footing with a string of instantly classic eps, including the amnesiac pals being convinced by an angry neighbor that they're a gay couple, a HAL-like vacuum cleaner taking them hostage, and one where they are super-glued together face-cheek-to-ass-cheek. Judging from some of the sight gags in the gay ep and the glue ep (among others), the two stars of this show must be really good friends!

Rick Mercer in zero gravity: To my knowledge, the first and only person to do a flying carpet sight gag on a vomit comet. A weightless and priceless moment. An open suggestion to Rick: you should go back up on that thing with some Diet Coke and Mentos and see what happens.

Corner Gas runs out of gas: A strong spring/summer run in the standings putted down the stretch on fumes, partly because the new-to-me eps ran out, but mostly because of that ep where characters used a telescope to watch a meteor shower, which is sort of like taking a shower with a squirt gun. On the bright side, the bit where Hank explains his plan to foil the Tax Man was a fantastic piece of writing.

WKUK's Opus Part 3: A great bit in a 4-part sketch that otherwise would have made my countdown of a few weeks ago. "People like YOUUUUU..."

Some other songs that lost out to "Day Man" but deserve props: Family Guy's "I Like Farts", American Dad's "When I Was His Alien", and 2 WKUK rap songs, one about getting high with dinosaurs and one by a changed Hitler who's now down with the Jews.

David Letterman vs John McCain: Letterman's "Need a ride to the airport?" will go down as one of his career highlights and one of the greatest moments in late night talk show history. (And perhaps the deciding moment of the election?)

***

Still to come: SOTY, the Elite 11 (or Ducksoup Dozen), football fashion report and more 2008 wrap-ups!

TIME TO PUT 2008 IN THE BOOKS

I got lots of year-end awards to hand out, but some are still being decided. The SOTY (Song Of The Year) tournament is still in progress, the Abbie Awards (TV) are all ready to be handed out along with the ALF Cup championship, the Elite 11 (which might become Ducksoup's Dozen) are being tabulated, and our resident sports fashion critic Mr. Coloredwell is reviewing the best- and worst-dressed NFL teams.

But we'll kick things off with my picks for the top ten sports stories of 2008:

1. NY G-Men defeat NE Cheaters in Super Bowl XLII
A fitting start to the year, in which the tide finally started to turn in favor of good over evil. It was up to you, New York, and you delivered. (The Manning-to-Tyree pass late in the game is one of those plays where you can just keep hitting the little round arrow on your DVR remote and marvel at over and over.)

Now THAT's using your head!

2. Usain Bolt of Lightning
Never mind that soggy douchebag Phelps, the lanky Jamaican sprinter was the guy that really made the Olympics for me. Call him a showoff, but when you're that much better than your competition, you have the right. (And kudos to China for the coolest opening ceremony ever. I've got to get the DVD.)


3. Tiger vs. Rocco
Usually I'm too busy playing frisbee golf to watch regular golf, but a hobbled Tiger Woods making a run of amazing shots in the 3rd round on the way to a playoff with the entertaining underdog Rocco Mediate gave me a chance to sit down between rounds at Ottawa and in Albion.

4. Wimby Men's Final
The only downside of this epic 5-hour rain-interrupted showdown in which Rafael Nadal finally prevailed over grass court king Roger Federer was that I picked Federer in my annual picks. If I had to lose, at least it was fun to watch.

5. Danica finally wins
Sure, there were some drivers absent due to another race in Long Beach, but Danica Patrick's win in Japan was enough to keep her from being the Anna Kournikova of auto racing. (Now, when do we get to see her mud-wrestle Milka Duno?)


6. Sara Tucholsky's homer
Yeah, I tire of those ESPN tearjerker pieces as much as the next guy, but this one was a keeper. If you don't know the story, look it up. You won't be disappointed.


7. Detroit Lie-Downs
That was what my late brother Louis used to call the Lions, and this year it was more fitting than ever. Some say the '76 Bucs were worse, but they had a good excuse. They were an expansion team and they had a bright future ("Plus some delicious creamsicle uniforms that I could just lick all day!" says Mr. Coloredwell). As for the Lie-Downs, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

8. Favre retires...or not
Well, that didn't work out for anybody, did it? The Cheeseheads went moldy, dropping to 6-10, and the NY Bretts collapsed just short of the playoffs, for which coach Eric Mangini took the fall.

9. Big Brown Belmont Bust
OHHH WILLLLLBURRR! The Curse of Mister Ed again showed no mercy. It was as if a UPS truck drove up to our collective curb with a cardboard box containing the coveted Triple Crown, only to abruptly smash it on our sidewalk.

What can Brown do for you? Not so much, it turns out

10. Toledo Walleye/Bullfrogs
Neither has yet to play a game, but at least our new hockey and arenaball teams have nicknames. And nifty logos that look good on the hats I've added to my hat rotation. And don't get me wrong, I like the swamp theme the Mud Hens org has going, but the one thing that kinda disturbs me about the 3 local pro sports teams is that the mascots are all edible.
[Note: I was going to put the 3 team logos here, but apparently the Bullfrogs logo is not readily available, unlike the other two. I don't know why that is, but it pisses me off, and if I can't use all 3 then I won't use any.]

I WONDER...

When is Burger King going to do one of those "Whopper Virgin" ads in India?

"This is Sanjay, a tech support operator in Mumbai. He's never had a burger..."

PERFECTLY AWFUL

ANOTHER FREE IDEA FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO RUN WITH IT

Clue: The Serial Killer Edition

Example: "Mr. Dahmer, in the smelly apartment, with the vat of acid."

TELL ME IF THIS IS GOOD OR BAD...

In that one commercial for Guitar Hero, I recognize Tony Hawk on drums. The other 3 guys, I have no clue.

DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?

Thought of a really good idea in the shower just now, and just googled it to see if anyone else had thought of it already. Nothing came up. So let me just float this idea out there in case anyone is interested in taking it on...

I think there ought to be a support group for family and friends of non-believers, sort of like PFLAG.

For all of my friends and relatives who are reading this, here's a chance to do something really nice for others like you.

I came out as bisexual by birth (and straight by choice) just a few years ago, and I have been fortunate that practically everyone has accepted me as such.

On the other hand, I came out as a non-believer nearly 30 years ago, and I still am met with non-acceptance constantly from all sides (mainly relatives, to be frank).

And as yet another holiday season approaches its climax, there are still those in my life who just can't seem to fully accept that I want nothing to do with any of it.

For example, my dad still sends me a Xmas card every year, which is basically the equivalent of constantly setting your son up on dates with women for 3 decades after he comes out as gay. (PS: Here's a couple of alternative ideas...how about a Solstice card? Or Festivus?)

I am a non-believer. I was born this way and I'll die this way. There is nothing wrong with me. Just like being bi or bald or blue-eyed or left-handed, it is not a disease or a defect. I couldn't change if I wanted to, which I don't. I like me just the way I am.

Everybody...I'm here, I'm atheist, get used to it! You've had plenty of time.

And here's hoping somebody reading this--friend, relative, whomever--picks up the ball and starts that support group!

Duck Pond temperature when I woke up this morning:

9.7 C /49.4 F

SEQUEL, ANYONE?

Remember the "Bin Laden Liquors" online flash game that came out shortly after 9/11? Somebody needs to put together a similar flash game in which you throw shoes at Dubya! I'd do it myself but I have no idea how to do that stuff.

PS: Much to my delight, the folks at SOCK AND AWE have made just such a game! Have fun and good luck, the former cheerleader can dodge those shoes like they were the Vietnam-era draft!

GOOD OL' SHOE

(If you don't get the above reference to "Wag The Dog", go rent it already!)

Obvi my new hero is the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at George W. Douchebag. WTG dude, you've got sole! (Or as Keith Olbermann says, "Iraqi journalism: left shoe, right shoe. Fair and balanced!)

And no, I haven't been forgetting to post the Duck Pond temperature, I've stopped because I'm now using a space heater, which unfortunately defeats the purpose of tracking the temperature difference down here from summer to winter, but I can tell you that the heater was off most of the day today, and a little while ago it was 52.7 F. Brr.

I KNEW HE REMINDED ME OF SOMEBODY...

THE USELESS TOOLS

Yet another band name has moved from the Unused list to the Used list. (Or should it be the Useless list?)

Click here to check out The Useless Tools and hear some of their work.

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

[cue Dr. Demento countdown music] "It's time for number one...this is it, here it comes...NUMBER ONE!"

1. WHALE TAIL

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

2. Nail Gun!

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

3. It's Illegal To Say...

(Note: In case you watch this a few months from now, this sketch orignally aired in 2007.)

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

4. Kicking Guy

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

5. Elephant

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

6. Our Label Is Run By Homos

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

7. Dinosaur Rap

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

8. Religious Cult