CRAPPY OLD YEAR!

Good fucking riddance, 2002. You were the worst calendar year of my life. Any 2002 calendars I get my hands on are gonna get burned to a crisp. Except of course for the one on which my mom noted things such as birthdays of friends and relatives, as well as those of Nascar drivers, and the Nascar TV schedule.

Nonetheless, in spite of the horror that was 2002, I still have my usual year-end awards to give out...

GEAK ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Always a prestigious award. And this year, many fine efforts from the likes of Monk, Wendy Snyder, The Basement, Cleo Glyde, and Coldplay, just to name a few. But the winner is:
THE SHIELD

SONG OF THE YEAR
Another perennial biggie. Usually there's a tournament, but this year there's no need. Although there were serious challenges from the likes of Pansy Division ("Flower", "The Summer You Let Your Hair Grow Out", "Obstacle Course", etc.), Foo Fighters ("All My Life"...possible 2003 SOTY?), Uriah Heep ("Sweet Freedom", "July Morning", etc.), Bruce Springsteen (several tracks from "The Rising"), and Steve Dahl ("I Wish I Was The Pope"), one band had this award in the bag in mid-year and fended off every challenger, including songs from their own new album ("In My Place", "The Scientist", etc.). It was used to great effect at the end of the first season finale of The Shield, it could apply to my mom's death, and it was the one song that, even by title alone, summed up the entire year. The 2002 SOTY is:
COLDPLAY, "TROUBLE"

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Now this is a toughie. I'm gonna need your help on this one, campers. Email your picks to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com and I'll post the winner later. Here's the nominees:
Coldplay, "Parachutes"
Coldplay, "A Rush Of Blood To The Head"
Pansy Division, "Absurd Pop Song Romance"
Pansy Division, "Pileup"
Pansy Division, "Undressed"
Rush, "Vapor Trails"
Joe Satriani, "Live In San Francisco"
Bruce Springsteen, "The Rising"
Taco The Wonder Dog, "Taco The Wonder Dog Covers The Hits"
Uriah Heep, "Classic Heep: An Anthology"

CATCH PHRASE OF THE YEAR
In any other year, this would have been an interesting one-on-one battle. Steve Dahl's imitation of Dahl Show "Computer Bitch" Ed Silha yielded many top catch phrases, including "I will not wear someone else's pants!", "I will not drive through Pennsylvania!", and "I will not buy a glass fish tank!". But the biggie, the signature, the touchstone, the trigger phrase, was, of course, "SEATBELTS!" And Edzila's main competition would be from the movie championed by Dahl himself, "Pootie Tang", which gave us a plethora of phrases that make no sense, are fun to say, and can be used throughout everyday life. From "Sine your pitty on the runny kine" to "Cole me down on the panny sty" to "I can't say the nay-no, my brother" to "Sepatown" to "My main damie" to "Sa-da-tay!", and my personal fave (because it almost sounds like "Whatever"), "Wadatah", Pootie Tang could have singlehandedly locked up this category. But as with the SOTY, one catch phrase summed up the main story of the year, as well as the year in general. Though it may seem a bit of a downer, I feel it my duty to give this award posthumously to my mom, who kept repeating this phrase on Feb. 21, easily the worst day of the year as well as my life. The 2002 Catch Phrase Of The Year is:
"THIS IS REALITY."--THE LATE ALVA PRIBE

THE CARL SAGAN AWARD (BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR)
In previous years, I tried to limit this award to movies I saw in the theater for the first time that year. But 2002 called for a change. I saw a couple of movies for the first time in 2002 on video that were released in previous years, and both must be included in my top 6, including #1. Let me quickly give honorable mention to "Men With Brooms", "Red Green: Duct Tape Forever", "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course", "Die Another Day", and "Fight Club". But as good as all those were, my choice is clear. (And no, it's not "Fellowship Of The Ring". I'd have to give that Worst Movie status. A 3-hour nerd-fest. You don't normally expect to hear a movie character utter the line "We will taste man-flesh!" unless you're cruising at the Bijou in Chicago.) The 2002 Movie Of The Year is:
"POOTIE TANG"

THE TRIO AWARD (BEST COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR)
As in 2001, ads shown during Nascar races make up most of the top com'ls of 2002, though they DO get awfully repetitive. The ones I never got tired of: UPS's ads with Joe Walsh and George Thorogood, and Mikey Waltrip's Napa ads ("I'm at the wrong track!"). But even though he appeared in several of their ads, the first one with him still stands as the best. And this was one of the few remaining awards not on his mantle. And, face it, any time ALF is eligible for an award, you can send the other nominees home early. The 2002 Com'l Of The Year is:
10-10-220, ALF (WITH TERRY BRADSHAW)

MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
I'm completely stumped, folks. I can't even think of any nominees here. Please email your nods to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com and we'll see who/what we end up with.

WEBSITE OF THE YEAR
The new Dahl.com is snazzy. JoeCartoon.com has some funny moments (Aw, my freakin' head, I'm so wasted!"). And the new Shagout.net is good but not as good as the old Shagout. Screw it, time to let my ego out for some fresh air! The 2002 Website Of The Year is:
THE DUCK POND!