2007 ELITE 11

Weird year. I'll leave it at that.

The Elite 8 has been expanded with three new categories. The annual SOTY (Song Of The Year) tournament is still in progress. The rest of the year-end awards have been decided:

Rookie Of The Year: Hedwig And The Angry Inch
Honorable Mention: Richard Dawkins, Stevans

Album Of The Year: the self-titled debut album by Stevans
HM: "Life Is Worth Losing"--George Carlin, "Super Taranta"--Gogol Bordello, "Hedwig And The Angry Inch" soundtrack, "Release The Stars"--Rufus Wainwright

Catch Phrase Of The Year: "I sneezed"--Ducksoup
HM: "Thank you for shopping with us"

The Carl Sagan Award (Movie Of The Year): "Hedwig And The Angry Inch"
HM: Frankly, no other movie even came close

The Trio Award (Commercial Of The Year): Jack In The Box--Stoner
HM: Again, can't think of any worthy runners-up

Music Video Of The Year: "Hedwig And The Angry Inch" (the entire movie)
HM: "Pachelbel Rant"--Rob Paravonian

Website Of The Year: Pandora
HM: The Steve Dahl Show, Jigsawdoku, Youtube

Comeback Of The Year: Garry Meier
HM: none

Quote Of The Year: "The planet, hell! What about my nuts?"--David Suzuki
HM: "But we've GOT to have AIDS before we pee in her eye socket!"--Beary Bear, Woodland Critters, South Park

Johnny Carson Award (Corpse Of The Year--the person who died this past year who we'll miss most): Tom Snyder
HM: Larry Bud Melman, Charles Nelson Reilly, Don Herbert, Marcel Marceau, Evel Knievel, Terry Armour

The 2007 SOTY results will be posted here as soon as the tournament is finished.

Happy new year everybody, and don't forget to set your calendars ahead.

CORRECTION

A few months ago I said Troy Polamalu looked like a Doobie Brother. I hereby retract that statement. Now he looks like Charlie Manson!

CHEAP

I only remember the end of the dream I had the other day...I was just about to shoot a bad guy (sort of a mafia hitman type) who was just about my size. I really liked the suit he was wearing, so I tried to get him to take it off before I shot him so as not to ruin it. He refused.

"Okay, at least take the jacket part off," I begged.

"Why?"

"So when I wear it the jacket part will cover up the bullet hole and the blood stain."

"Screw that, you can just sew up the hole, and most good detergents will get the blood out!"

"Too much work, besides, I can't sew."

"Jeez...why don't you just shoot me in the fucking head, dumbass?"

"Oh, yeah, right. Why didn't I think of that?"

*BANG*

HAPPY TWEAKSGIVING!

So I'm at work a couple of weeks ago, waiting for a new project to start, and there's a delay. A co-worker tells me the supervisors are probably tweaking the project. "Either that or they're just tweaking," I joke. This somehow leads to a handful of 'tweak' puns, then I get on a roll, and eventually we have buried ourselves in an avalanche of 'tweak' puns.

I have since compiled over 300 of them, and I have decided to post them here in what I am calling Tweaksgiving 2007. I tried to group similar ones together, and I've included explanations for some of the more obscure references.

Enjoy, if you can! (And if you think of any good ones I may have missed, please feel free to send them to me at askduckpond2007@sacbeemail.com.)

TWEAKSGIVING 2007
A1 Tweak Sauce
"Ain't She Tweak?"
Allow 4-6 tweaks for delivery
'...and she emerges with one squirming in her tweak...' (from the song "Lesbian Seagull" by Tom Wilson Weinberg)
As ye sow, so shall ye tweak
AutoTweak Magazine
Blue Tweak (Cedar Point)
Dr. Bunson Honeydew and his assistant Tweaker
Butterball Tweaky
Calgon, tweak me away!
Cursing up a blue tweak
Dancing tweak to tweak
Days Of The Tweak (SCTV skit)
Do a double tweak
"Do You Want To Know A Tweakret?"
"Don't Tweak" (No Doubt)
Don't tweak any wooden nickels
Don't tweak back
Don't tweak life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive
Drive-By Tweakers
Earthtweak
"Eight Days A Tweak"
Emerson, Tweak and Palmer
"Every Breath You Tweak"
Fantastweak Four
"Flavor Of The Tweak"
Forrest Tweaker (actor Tucker)
Freaks And Tweaks (or Tweaks And Geeks)
Friar Tweak
"Get Ur Tweak On"
Gimme A Tweak
Go ahead, tweak my day
Great Tweaks (Tweak Erie, etc.)
High tweaks poker
"Hit The Hi-Tweak Groove" (Pop Will Eat Itself)
Hostess Tweakies (Tweakie The Kid, "Tweakies have three holes", etc.)
Hostile tweakover
"I Get Tweak" (Belinda Carlisle)
I have a tweak back...I got it about a tweak back
"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tweak..."
"I'm a little tweakpot..."
"I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna tweak this anymore!"
Intweak manifold
'Is you tweakin?' (R. Kelly)
It Tweaks A Thief
It tweaks two to tango
"It's Tweaky" (Run-DMC)
"Jailtweak" (Thin Lizzy)
Jimmy The Tweak
Jive tweaking
"Jump down, spin around, tweak a bale o' cotton..."
"Just a pinch between the tweak and gums"
Kentweaky
Kentweaky bluegrass
Kentweaky Derby
Kentweaky Fried Chicken
"Kentweaky Woman"
Kiss and tweak up
Kon-Twiki
"Lee, Tweako, Youngblood!" (The Untouchables)
Let's Tweak A Deal
Lost Tweakend
Loudtweaker
Maurice Tweaks (Philadelphia 76ers)
Mean Tweak (Cedar Point)
Mistweaken identity
Mo'Twique
My Little Tweakadee
Newstweak Magazine
9 1/2 Tweaks
"19th Nervous Tweakdown"
98-pound tweakling
No tweaking
Not to be tweaken lightly
On Her Majesty's Tweakret Service
"One Tweak" (Barenaked Ladies)
One Tweak Pony
Outback Tweakhouse
Pace Tweakante sauce
Parting is such tweak sorrow
"Pencil Neck Tweak" (Fred Blassie)
Pike's Tweak
Pledge tweak
Quarterback tweak
Ritweakulous
See no evil, hear no evil, tweak no evil (have no fun)
Shredded Tweak
"Silly rabbit, Tweaks are for kids!"
Silver Tweak
Silversun Tweakups
Slow on the uptweak
Spring a tweak
Star Tweak (The Next Generation, etc.)
Stereo tweakers
Supercalifragilistweakexpialidocious
"Supertweak" (Rick James)
Sweeps tweaks
Tanya Tweaker
Testweakles
That Was The Tweak That Was
The love that dare not tweak its name
"They're Coming To Tweak Me Away, Ha-Haaa!"
"This Is Our Countweak" (John Mellencamp)
This place could use a Tweakup
This Tweak With George Snuffleupagus (or however you spell it)
"Tie A Yellow Ribbon 'Round The Old Oak Tweak"
"Time to tweak the donuts..."
Trash-tweaking
Tri-Tweaks solitaire
Trick or tweak (or Tweak or treat)
Turning tweaks
"The Tweak" (Ray Stevens)
Tweak-a-boo
"Tweak-A-Boom" (Daddy Dewdrop)
"Tweak A Chance On Me" (Abba)
"Tweak a little trip..." ("Low Rider")
Tweak-A-Mole
Tweak-A-Mouse
Tweak a number
"Tweak A Picture" (Filter)
Tweak a picture, it'll last longer
Tweak a piss
Tweak a powder
Tweak a shit
Tweak a shower
"Tweak a walk on the wild side..."
Tweak all you want, but eat all you tweak
The Tweak Amigos
Tweak and eggs
"Tweak And Innocent" (Donny Osmond)
"Tweak And Powerless" (A Perfect Circle)
Tweak and ye shall find
Tweak Antifreeze
Tweak Caballeros
"Tweak Caroline" (BA BA BA!)
"Tweak Child O' Mine"
Tweak Coins In A Fountainbleau
Tweak Corea
Tweak Days Of The Condor
"Tweak Dirty To Me" (Poison)
Tweak Doors Down
A tweak 'em game
"Tweak Emotion" (Aerosmith)
Tweak five
"Tweak For Two"
"Tweak Georgia Brown"
Tweak germ
Tweak havoc
Tweak Hearn
Tweak in the knees
"Tweak Is A Magic Number"
"Tweak It Easy" (Eagles)
Tweak it on the chin
"Tweak It To Them Gently" (Burton Cummings)
"Tweak It To The Limit" (Eagles)
"Tweak It Up" (The Cars)
Tweak it with a grain of salt
"Tweak me as I am..." (Chicago)
"Tweak Me Home" (Julian Lennon)
"Tweak Me Out" (Franz Ferdinand)
"Tweak Me Out To The Ballgame"
"Tweak Me To The River" (Tweaking Heads)
Tweak me to your leader
Tweak Musketeers
"Tweak my wife...please"
Tweak mythology
Tweak 'n' Shake (or Steak 'n' Tweak)
Tweak nothings
Tweak of the litter
"Tweak On Me" (A-Ha)
Tweak one's interest
"Tweak Out (Le Tweak)"
Tweak peas
Tweak performance
"Tweak Plastic Trees" (Radiohead)
Tweak Radio
Tweak, rattle and roll
The tweak shall inherit the earth
Tweak Slayton (astronaut Deke)
Tweak softly and carry a big tweak
The Tweak Stooges
"Tweak Stuff" (Limp Bizkit)
Tweak support
Tweak-tac-toe
"Tweak The 'A' Train"
Tweak the bad with the good
"Tweak The Bismarck"
Tweak the bus
Tweak the cake
Tweak the high road
Tweak the light fantastweak
"Tweak The Skinheads Bowling" (Camper Van Beethoven)
Tweak things through
Tweak Thins
"Tweak This Job And Shove It"
"Tweak To Me/Breathe" (Pink Floyd)
Tweak-tock
Tweak tooth
Tweak tragedy
"Tweak Transvestite"
"Tweak Tweak" (by Tweak Tweak, from the album "Tweak Tweak")
"Tweak Tweak Boom" (Saliva)
Tweak two aspirin and call me in the morning
Tweak up
Tweak up for lost time
Tweak you later
Tweak you very much
Tweak your booty
Tweak your groove thang
"Tweak Your Junk" (Minko)
Tweak your lumps
Tweak your medicine
"Tweak Your Tailfeather"
Tweak-Fil-A
Tweak-Ums
Tweak's Company
Tweakachu
Tweakamole
Tweakazoid
Tweakback Mountain (or Broketweak Mountain)
"Tweakdown" (Tom Petty)
Tweaked Witch Of The West
Tweaken aback
"Tweakend In New England" (Barry Manilow)
Tweakenspiel
Tweakenstein
"The Tweaker" (The Who)
Tweaker Carlson
Tweaker Circus
Tweaker Of The House
Tweaker: The Man And His Dream
"Tweaket To Ride"
Tweakfast
Tweakfast in bed
"Tweakfast At Tiffany's"
Tweakheart (childhood, "Good Night", etc.)
Tweaki torches
Tweakies Cereal ("We are the Tweakies...")
Tweakila (The Champs, Rose, Sunrise, Mockingbird, etc.)
"Tweakin'" (Eddie Money)
Tweakin' It (70s sitcom Makin' It)
"Tweakin' It To The Streets"
Tweaking a difference
Tweaking Away
"Tweaking Care Of Business"
Tweaking Heads
"Tweaking In Your Sleep" (The Romantics)
Tweaking it over
Tweaking of which...
Tweaking the fourth wall
"Tweaking The Law" (Judas Priest)
Tweaking time bomb
"Tweaking Whoopee"
Tweakitos
Tweakle Me Elmo
Tweakle Trunk (Mr. Dressup)
"Tweakle Tweakle Little Star"
Tweakletoes
Tweakly World News
"Tweako" ("Biko"--Peter Gabriel)
Tweako Bell
Tweako-Roman wrestling
"Tweako Suave" (Gerardo)
Tweako The Wonder Dog
"Tweakon Blue" (Steely Dan)
Tweakon Jones (NFL Hall Of Famer Deacon)
"Tweakret Agent Man"
Tweakret Squirrel
Tweakretariat
Tweaks and valleys
"The Tweaks Come Out At Night"
"Tweaks for the memories..."
Tweaks of the trade
Tweakshaw
Tweakshow
Tweakson 5ive (Michael Tweakson, etc.)
Tweakson (Andrew, Jesse, Browne, Pollock, et al.)
Tweakson, Michigan (or Mississippi)
Tweakspeare
Tweaktoberfest
"Tweakulator" (Ying Yang Twins)
TweakWar (William Shatner)
"Tweaky" (Toni Basil)
Tweaky Bird
Tweaky Dick (Nixon)
Tweaky faucet
Tweaky Friday
Tweaky Fromme
Tweaky monkey
Tweaky Mouse Club
Tweaky Races
Tweaky Ricardo (Martin, Schroeder, et al.)
Tweaky tobaccy
The tweaky wheel gets the grease
Tweax Ritter
Tweaxas (Rangers, "Yellow Rose Of", Two-Step, et al.)
Tweaxie Chicks
Tweaxieland
Tweaxt messaging
Tweking duck
Twin Tweaks
"Two Tweakets To Paradise"
US Tweakly
"Up On Cripple Tweak"
Victoria's Tweakret
"We're Not Gonna Tweak It"
What the tweak...?
"When you tweak of this, and I know you will, be kind"
"Whistle While You Tweak" (Ying Yang Twins)
Wide Open Countweak
Winning tweak
You are what you tweak
You can't teach an old dog new tweaks
Zorba The Tweak

Hope you enjoyed Tweaksgiving. Happy Turkey Day, and thanks for reading The Pond!

QUOTE DU JOUR

"In Pakistan, due to his scandalous administration, the military dictator Pervez Musharraf is squandering years of social progress by imposing emergency rule against an angry public, denying their right to protest and possibly suspending the upcoming elections. To learn more about this complicated topic, just watch American news and substitute the word 'Musharraf' for 'Bush'."

--Alan Park, Royal Canadian Air Farce

MIRACLE IN MISSISSIPPI

Watch and enjoy.

I'M STILL WORKING ON THE POUTINE QUEST RECAP, BUT FOR NOW...

From CBC's The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos, I hereby pass along the

TOP TEN MOST UNFORTUNATE NAMES

10. Olympic gold medal swimmer Misty Hyman
9. Former Japanese prime minister Noboru Takeshita
8. New York Islander Miroslav Satan
7. Race car driver Dick Trickle
6. Russian figure skater Irina Slutskaya
5. Former baseball player Rusty Kuntz
4. Former college football player Lucious Pusey
3. George Stroumboulopoulos
2. Korean director Kang Suk-Bum

And the number one most unfortunate name...

1. Brazilian geologist Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck

COMING SOON: A RECAP OF POUTINE QUEST 2007!

But for now, a few thoughts I had while watching Sportscenter last night (other than that maybe the Bears should just start Devin Hester, the Windy City Flyer, at QB...He is ridiculous!)...

1. The latest person who wishes they were Tony Romo: Garo Yepremian

2. Troy Polamalu looks like a Doobie Brother

3. The Mets collapsed like the World Trade Center!

BRANDED!



The public has spoken...ASTERISK WINS!!!

IN DEFENCE OF MY INSANITY...

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that some of my friends have reacted to my poutine trip as though I have finally snapped. And perhaps I have. But in my defence (that's not a typo, that's how we Canadians spell 'defence'), I must point out that I enjoy the challenge of making all the connections involved and whatnot. And I enjoy a good adventure...especially a cheap one!

THE QUESTION NOW IS...

If Appalachian State goes to the I-AA championship game this year, will Michigan beg for a rematch?

DUCKSOUP'S POUTINE QUEST 2007

After finding out that I was Canadian, I got to thinking again about the pilgrimage to Toronto I hope to make someday, to visit meccas like the CBC and such. And of course go looking for poutine.

For the Canada-impaired, poutine is a junk-food delicacy in Montreal and other parts of Quebec and the rest of Canada. It's french fries topped with cheese curds and gravy.


Mmmmm...poutine...(drool drool)

And as I sometimes like to go find a picture related to what I'm posting here, I went looking for poutine pics and found the above pic at MontrealPoutine.com.

As my poutine craving increased, I began to wonder if there was any chance of finding poutine close to home. No dice. So I decided to go back to the Montreal Poutine site and contact the Poutine Guy (Or maybe it's just "Poutine Guy", as in the French name Guy, with an E sound. Whatever.) and ask him how far a trek I was looking at to find poutine.

A week later, Poutine Guy (or Guy) emailed back saying the closest poutine to Toledo was in Montreal itself. Ouch. He also sent a map of places to find poutine worldwide. Of course if you go look at the map you'll notice there's poutine to be had in Toronto, which is considerably closer to me than Montreal.

Now, going by actual driving distance, it turns out that, at least for me, Toronto is just a bit closer than Milwaukee. However, since I am not currently driving, I would have to take a bus to get to either city. This is a deal breaker for Toronto, since taking Greyhound there and back would cost me $127, and even the best poutine in the world couldn't be worth that much.

Milwaukee, on the other hand, is served by Megabus, as is Toledo. Both have routes connecting to Chicago. And if one buys a Megabus ticket far enough in advance (about 6 weeks), you can get a ticket for as low as $1. I would need 4 tickets, round trips from Toledo to Chicago and Chicago to Milwaukee. Add a reservation fee and my grand total cost to take Megabus to Milwaukee is a mere $4.50! This is not a typo. FOUR DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS!

The next issue was scheduling. Due to my work sked, I had to pick a Thursday, since I would have to leave sometime after I got off work Wednesday night, and return in time to run karaoke on Friday night. The earliest Thursday on which all 4 tickets would still be $1 each was Sept. 27th.

Now I begin to wonder if this whole madcap scheme is actually doable. Cost is not an issue; even if I bought the tickets and my plans later fell thru for whatever reason, I am still out only $4.50. And so I plan out a hypothetical itinerary.

After exploring all my options, I determined that the best possible sked was as follows (all times approximate):

Wednesday 10pm, get off work
10:10pm, catch the 5 bus to the last lineup, transfer to the 32, arrive at Southwyck around 11:30
11:30pm to Thursday 1:50am, kill time at Steak-n-shake til the Megabus arrives
1:50am EDT, board Megabus to Chicago, hopefully sleep on the way
5:30am CDT, arrive at Union Station in Chicago
5:30am to 9:30am, kill time in downtown Chicago, go have a light breakfast (gotta save room for the poutine!), read the Chicago papers
9:30am, board Megabus to Milwaukee, spend next two hours CORNSURFING! Yay!
11:25am, arrive near the Amtrak Station in Milwaukee

So much for the first part of the journey. The last bus back to Chicago is 6:30pm, so I have 7 hours to play with in Milwaukee. The poutine is at The Red Dot, about 3 miles from the Megabus drop point. I can walk it in about an hour. (Mind you I could use the exercise since I'm going to pig out on poutine!) So, a nice poutine lunch, then I still have plenty of time to explore a bit of the town on my way back to catch the bus back to Chicago. Now I just have to hit the Red Dot website to make sure they're open for lunch...

They aren't.

Ruh roh. They open at 4pm. This is a bad thing. Now I have to kill time exploring on my way there, wait for them to open, then I only have about an hour to go in and sit down and order my poutine and wait for my order and eat it before I have to start walking back so I don't miss my bus! The whole adventure from leaving work Wednesday night to getting home Friday morning will total 32 hours, 1/3 of which will entail killing time waiting for buses, and then I gotta rush thru eating my poutine?! This appears to be a deal-breaker.

Only one option left. Time to look up local bus schedules in Milwaukee. I luck out. The 15 goes by the Red Dot and within a short walk of the Megabus stop. So I can leave around 5:45 and still make the connection. This nearly doubles my poutine time. Whew. Now, what to do in Milwaukee from 11:30am to 4pm? A while later I learn about a spy-themed bar called the Safe House, which not only is less than a mile from the Megabus stop, but is only a block from the 15 bus! Saves me a time-consuming walk to Red Dot. Interesting.

Okay, so continuing the sked...

Thursday, 11:30am CDT, walk about a mile to the spy bar, have a martini, shaken not stirred, enjoy all the wacky secret passageways and shit, (and even if I get bored with the spy bar, I can always stroll over and visit the International Clown Hall Of Fame a few blocks away) catch the 15 around 3:30 at the latest

4pm, be there when Red Dot opens, and enjoy about an hour and 45 minutes eating poutine (with real Wisconsin Cheddar cheese curds!), and hope it's possible to take some home for myself later

5:45pm, leave Red Dot, catch 15 at about 5:58, get off downtown and walk back to Megabus by 6:30

6:30pm, board Megabus back to Chicago, enjoy two more hours of CORNSURFING!

8:25pm, arrive back in Chicago, kill time until 11:59, perhaps find a karaoke spot?

11:59pm, board Megabus back to Toledo, hopefully sleep on the way

Friday, 5:20am, arrive at Southwyck, wait for next 32 bus

6am, get home and pass out for the day, and still wake up in time for karaoke

This whole plan is, in fact, doable. Completely INSANE, but doable. The next day, I put a couple bucks in the bank on my way to work, and when I get home I hop online and order Megabus tickets for Sept. 27th. It's booked. I'm going. To review, I am looking at a 32-hour odyssey, almost half of which will be spent riding buses, about another third spent waiting for said buses, plus the 7 hours in Milwaukee. All this for french fries, cheese curds and gravy. I need professional help. (Okay, sure, I could just go buy the ingredients at Kroger and make my own poutine at home, but where's the fun in that?! [Did I mention real Wisconsin cheddar cheese curds?} Plus, I'd miss out on the spy bar.)

Megabus tickets to Milwaukee and back: $4.50
One large helping of poutine (with real Wisconsin cheddar cheese curds!) at the Red Dot: $4.75.
(Yes, you read correctly. I will spend more for the poutine than I will on bus fare getting to it!)
Chicago and Milwaukee newspapers to read along the way: $3-$4
Martini, shaken not stirred, at the spy bar: probly $5, tops
The level of pure insanity I have to have to not only consider such a ridiculous adventure, but actually plan it: PRICELESS

TO WHAT LENGTHS WILL ONE MAN GO...FOR POUTINE?

THE ANSWER COMING SOON!

My name is Ducksoup, and
I...
AM...
CANADIAN!



Today at a family reunion I had a look at a bit of the geneaology on my dad's side, and turns out one of my great-great-great-great-grandmothers was BORN IN CANADA!

So now it's official, campers...there's maple syrup in my family tree! It courses viscously through my veins!



I can't wait to go home. Someday...

TOP EIGHT BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK:

A shorter list than last week, but no shorter on quality names.

8. I think this one is self-explanatory...Lez Zepplin--Thursday at Magic Bag
7. Gore Gore Girls--Friday at Mickey Finn's Pub
6. Bucketmouth--Friday at Frankie's Inner-City
5. An old favorite...Ten Inch Willy--Fri & Sat at Michigan Tavern
4. I'm partial to this one, for obvious reasons...The Dougouts--Saturday at Frankie's Inner-City
3. Okay, now I get it...Purple Crayons--Saturday at Headliners
2. Goat Motor--Saturday at Village Idiot

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week: Unlike the others which were all under the Rock/Alternative catgory, this one is under Celtic/Irish, which is a bit odd because the name sounds Scottish...

1. Enter The Haggis--Wednesday at Mickey Finn's Pub

AND NOW, A SALUTE TO THE WORLD'S ALL-TIME HOME RUN KING


SADAHARU OH: 868 home runs

(Hey Barry, you're still 112 behind...you got enough 'roids to catch up? I DON'T THINK SO!)

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK

10. RakeShakers--Saturday at Club Legenz
9. BrainBanger--Friday at Mickey Finn's Pub
8. Glowing Brains--Sunday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Streetlamps For Spotlights--Friday at Mickey Finn's Pub
6. The Winks?--Wednesday at Frankie's Inner-City
5. Habitual Coersion--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
4. Down To Earth Approach--Friday at Headliners
3. Floating Face Down--Sunday at Headliners
2. No Point Intended--Friday at Headliners
1. Beer Nuts--Fri & Sat at Ladies Choice

Honorable Mention: Silversun Pickups--Monday at Frankie's Inner-City

FIRST THINGS FIRST...HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM, WISH YOU WERE HERE FOR IT

My mom would have turned 71 today, which of course is just 69 with two fingers in your ass.

Secondly...

TOM SNYDER, 1936-2007

Fire up a colortini and enjoy this classic clip, re-posted from a few months ago, in memory of one of the all-time greats.

A classic. Enjoy!

DUCKSOUP'S BACK, AND NOW HE'S...WELL, OKAY, HE'S STILL NOT BLACK, BUT HE'S BACK, AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING

Yes, campers, I am finally back online (although my computer still sucks), and I have a question for all of you. I know this will sound like a joke question, but it is not. This is merely based on an observation I have recently made:

What do the war in Iraq, the NBC show "To Catch A Predator", and the Crappy Underwear...er, I mean, Carrie Underwood song "Before He Cheats" all have in common?

If you think you know, email me at askduckpond2007@sacbeemail.com, and in a few days or a week or so I'll post the more interesting responses and the actual answer. (And I'm looking for more than just the obvious answer, which of course is that they all suck.)

HAPPY 28TH ANNIVERSARY OF DISCO DEMOLITION!

RANDOM THOTS UNTIL MY HOUR OF LIBRARY INTERNET ACCESS RUNS OUT

New job starts next week. Looks like it might be fun, or at least interesting. The hours are good, won't interfere with karaoke, and it'll keep the bills paid.

As for the old job, MARITZ IS EVIL. Let no one tell you different. I won't be one bit surprised when they destroy the life of one person too many and get the Virginia Tech treatment. (And no, I won't be the one doing it. I'm a pacifist and I'm no good with firearms. But I can dream.)



Watched the minor-league all-star game last night, from Isotopes Park in Albuquerque. Yes, the team there is called the Isotopes. Further proof that The Simpsons has been on WAAAY too long.

The 'retro' trend continues: Life keeps going in reverse not only for me but those I know. I'm back to doing phone surveys, and just the other night I was helping keep Idiotboy amused during his 3rd-shift gas station job. I can't help but notice how my life has been moving backwards and getting progressively worse over the last 6 years (2001-07), as opposed to the 8 years before that when life kept getting progressively better (1993-2001). Well, I'll be...those two time periods perfectly coincide with the Clinton presidency and the Bush dictatorship! Imagine that.



Speaking of Melissa Etheridge at Live Earth, wow. Right on, sister. Right on. Sadly my DVR failed to record a huge chunk of the whole shebang, but I at least got her stint, plus a nice Duran Duran/Sly and the Family Stone mashup and the Keith Urban/Alicia Keys duet. I missed the Spinal Tap reunion. :( Also I missed the holographic Al Gore, but maybe that's a good thing. But I did catch the Antarctic scientist band performance. Love their band name: Nunatak. Pronounced 'nun attack'. No accident that there were plenty of actual penguins enjoying the performance. Would have been cooler if an established band had made the trip down there for the occasion, because frankly, Nunatak were less than standard garage-band quality. Though they were still far more talented than Glide!



Which segues into the next topic. Note to Silversun Pickups: I dig "Lazy Eye", but I certainly hope not all your songs sound like Smashing Pumpkins. (The last thing the world needs is another Glide. There's a reason those talentless hacks only ever managed to put out half an album! [And BTW, Moron...er, Maroon 5: Please, all of you, die.])



Has anyone else with Buckeye cable checked out the new music channels, supplied by URGE Radio? Lots of good channels on there. My fave is "Dream Sequence", which could've just as easily been named after Pete's bit on the Steve Dahl Show: "Music Snob Corner". Also I've been hearing plenty of Drive-By Truckers on the "Diner" channel as well as "Wide Open Cunt..." [cough cough]...excuse me, "Wide Open Country". And the comedy channel is good too, tho they need another separate channel for novelty music.



Almost forgot Wimbledon. I had to mute the sound on the Venus Williams/Maria Sharapova match. (Perhaps the two worst grunters in tennis since Monica Seles.) Sounded worse than any Dynasty catfight. Even if they were co-starring in lesbian porn, I still wouldn't want to hear them making the noises they were making during that match!

Gotta go now. I still have a solitaire game I invented to pitch to the folks at Hoyle. Until next time, I leave you with this thot? Have you gone out yet and found a copy of "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"? If not, read the previous post below.

"SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK..."

Yes indeedy, I am once again in that mode that many of you know I get in from time to time where I can't stop plugging something really cool. In this case it's Hedwig And The Angry Inch, a flick that IFC (they rule) ran a few weeks ago that I can't stop re-watching. The plot is extremely odd, the music is exceptional, it has moments of deep drama, high comedy, and it's sure to offend more than a few people. In other words, it's exactly MY kind of movie!



So the link I included above is for Borders/Amazon, but those of you who use Netflix can probably get it thru that too, or those who get IFC can wait until they air it again. If they do, I will do my best to alert you here on the Pond.

MY COMPUTER SUCKS, THE NEW BRIDGE DOESN'T

Just to update everyone, my computer's power supply fried itself a couple of weeks ago, thus my only internet access since has been when I have time to come to the library, thus my postings may be even more infrequent than usual for a while. (Plus the library internet has its drawbacks, chiefly the time limit. Last Friday I had just finished composing a post similar to this and tried posting it just seconds before my time ran out, only to find I had failed to close one of my html tags. I corrected it and was just one second from posting when POOF. If I hadn't started laughing I'd've started crying.)

Saturday I was able to go up on the new I-280 bridge. Great view in all directions, I only wish I had thot to take binocs with me. Also skipped the last couple hours of karaoke that night (during which I usually only get one more song in anyway) to check out the light display on the central pylon. There could have been more variations in the color patterns, but still cool. Sadly, the pic below is the best I can find so far. (My personal fave was the candy corn pattern for Halloween.)

More later...

THERE WILL NOW BE A WHOPPING GREAT INTERMISSION...

My computer sucks. It has always sucked. Now it sucks like the electric broom in that classic Steve Dahl bit about the guy who cut off his tallywhacker.

My power supply fried itself a couple of weeks ago. A new one will cost me 40 bucks. Thus for the foreseeable future my internet access will be limited to using the library internet, which gives 'limited' a whole new meaning.

See you all soon. I hope.

POND POLL 2: BEST FAKE BAND(S)

Monday night on CBC's The Hour, they had a list of the 'top 5 fake bands'. These included the Blues Brothers, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, the Partridge Family, and two others I'd never even heard of. Obviously there are several glaring omissions, the most puzzling one being Spinal Tap since Harry Shearer was a guest earlier in the hour!

So I began compiling a list of glaring omissions...I ended up with dozens. I narrowed the choices down to 20 and created a new Pond Poll. (I had to use a new poll host, since the old one, Freepolls, flagged "Josie and the Pussycats" as inappropriate language. Freepolls sucks. Oh, and thanks again, Janet Jackson, you dumb cunt.)

I'll tell you my rankings later. For now, here's the new Pond Poll. Have fun!

(BTW, you can vote for as many as you want)

Best fake band(s)?
	The Archies
	The Banana Splits
	The Be Sharps (Homer Simpson's barbershop quartet)
	The Blues Brothers
	The Brady Six, aka the Silver Platters (Brady Bunch)
	Candy Slice and the Slicers (Gilda Radner)
	Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem (Muppet Show)
	Hedwig and the Angry Inch (from the movie of the same name)
	Josie and the Pussycats
	The Folksmen/Mitch & Mickey/The New Main Street Singers (from the movie A Mighty Wind)
	The Monkees
	The Nairobi Trio (from The Ernie Kovacs Show)
	Otis Day and the Knights (from Animal House)
	The Partiridge Family
	Rod Torfulson's Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuck (from the Kids in the Hall)
	The Rutles (from the movie of the same name, parody of the Beatles)
	Scum of the Earth (hoodlum rock band from WKRP in Cincinnati)
	Spinal Tap
	Timmy! And the Lords of the Underworld (from South Park)
	Wyld Stallyns (from the Bill & Ted movies)
Free polls from Pollhost.com

ERNIE KOVACS' "NAIROBI TRIO"

Happy Mother's Day! To celebrate I am reposting the Nairobi Trio clip as it was one of my mom's favorites.



See, THIS is the sort of thing the internet was meant for: preserving classics like these for all to be able to access and enjoy. YouTube RULES!

FANTASY AUTO RACING TEAMS (F.A.R.T.)
1993-2007

Less than a quarter of the way through our 15th season, Steve and I have mutually agreed to pull the plug on FART.

Our decision came on the heels of Tony Stewart's comments last week, but that was hardly the only reason for it. In fact, his ensuing spanking by Nascar officials and his failure to stand up to them was merely the last of many straws over the past few years.

It would be easy to say the sport died with Dale Earnhardt on 2/18/01, but really the collapse started when ESPN lost their contract at the end of the previous season. Some reward for their many years of quality coverage. Sheesh. And this was followed by what we call the 'Fox-ification' of Nascar. (NBC was no help either.)

Fox Sports, no doubt in cahoots with BushCo, made damn sure they broadcast the pre-race prayer and the national anthem every week, and otherwise tailored their coverage to appeal to new young right-wing fans who only discovered Nascar thru Earnhardt's death (while leaving those of us who had followed the sport for decades out in the cold).

This led to such 'innovations' as the idiotic playoff system and the mysterious 'scoring loops' used when freezing the field under a late caution. I'm an atheist, so natch I don't believe in anything unless I can see proof of its existence. They could, at the very least, paint lines across the track where the scoring loops are said to exist. It's a little concept I like to call ACCOUNTABILITY!

And so after they began that nonsense, Steve and I decided not to count any race that was decided by 'scoring loops'. This was the beginning of the end for FART, and the process was sped up by numerous rough driving incidents in 2006 (in the midst of which I nearly quit), a disgusting trend that was continued this year, mostly by Juan "Pendejo" Montoya. This resulted in many ugly arguments between us in the online chats we would have during the races.

All of the above factors led to decreased enjoyment of the races and our fantasy league. In fact I went so far as to cancel the season a few weeks ago after the Stewart/Montoya incident caused our worst race-chat argument. But we were in the process of hammering out a deal to continue the season as late as last week when the whole Stewart radio show thing rendered it a moot point.

Throughout the 2007 season we were very disturbed by the increasing number of debris cautions (we even punctuated them with a chat window background pic of Roger De Bris from 'The Producers') and the lack of any visual evidence of said debris. The TV cameras couldn't find it, yet this was merely laughed off by the Fox announcers.

What Stewart said on his radio show last Tuesday was not news to us, and we cheered him 100%, as finally a driver voiced what we had been thinking all season. These 'phantom cautions' or 'entertainment cautions' or whatever you want to call them were being thrown whenever a driver got too big of a lead, and Nascar officials wanted to bunch up the field in hopes of a close, exciting finish.

The problem is that Stewart voiced these concerns only after the Phoenix race, where it was HIS big lead that was wiped out by a phantom caution. Granted he added that he thought they 'haven't run a fair race all year', but that didn't stop everyone from thinking he was just whining because it happened to him, which is certainly valid, but misses the point Steve and I thought he was making for us.

But the most ridiculous part of the whole thing was Nascar's initial response to Stewart's comments, saying that it's all about safety, safety, safety. To say that this missed the point is a huge understatement! It IS about a lack of integrity. It IS about playing god and manipulating race results. And it's NOT about them wanting Jeff Gordon or any specific driver to win or lose, but about wiping out one driver's lead to precipitate a close finish.

And it IS about Nascar thus ceasing to be a legitimate sport and becoming a pseudo-sport like, yes, pro wrestling.

Sure, a close finish is exciting, but only because, at least in a legit race series, it doesn't happen every race. When races are run on the up-and-up, and you have races decided by more than a car length or by a few seconds or more, then and only then are the close finishes really exciting.

But if you start...and I am going to use the word...FIXING races so that every finish is decided by mere inches, and you do it long enough, it won't be that exciting anymore. At some point it will become routine.

Then what? How do you keep fans excited by the finish then? Will you have to have at least one car slide across the finish line upside down and on fire, a la Clint Bowyer? And when that's not enough? Will it take more drivers getting killed on the last lap a la Earnhardt? At what point do the fans and Nascar just mutually decide to turn it into a blood sport? And you can say I'm exaggerating, but that's the road they are heading down, and that's where it leads. Period.

Anyway back to Stewart...Nascar has a meeting with him Friday morning to spank him, and he comes out of the meeting with his tail between his legs and his brain lobotomized, saying from now on he trusts them when they say there's debris. WHAT...A...PUSSY! I'm sure he got their standard threat, "Nascar can get along just fine without you", but if he had any real balls he would retire or go back to IRL. So Tony's a pussy. Fuck him.

Same goes for all the other drivers who continue to participate in the current Nascar, many of whom have made statements this season about the phantom cautions, but none as critical as Stewart's. Many drivers just shrugged it off, saying they're in the entertainment business.

Well that's all fine and good if you want to appeal to the same idiots who like pro wrestling, but don't expect me and Steve to continue watching your fixed races or basing FART on your bogus results. And we are not alone. The latest poll numbers I've seen show 95% of fans disapprove of 'entertainment cautions'. If Nascar thinks they are making real race fans happy with artificial close finishes, they have their heads planted firmly up their backsides.

To Tony Stewart we say "Fuck you for letting Nascar cut your balls off." To the drivers who willfully participate in 'entertainment racing' we say "Fuck you, you had no balls to begin with."

And to Nascar we say "Fuck you, fuck your phantom cautions, fuck your scoring loops, fuck your rough driving, fuck your playoff system, fuck your Fox Sports coverage, fuck your right-wing appeal, fuck you, suck my balls, and fuck you."

I skipped watching the Talladega race this week, and I felt so very liberated. Same for Steve. We didn't miss it at all. We only wondered why we didn't quit six years earlier.

And to those who say we're throwing the baby out with the bathwater, all we can say is, the baby was floating face down anyway.

Good riddance, Nascar. Your fuel gauge just hit E.

ABBIE AND SAM



The second week of April is always a bit somber for me. It was 18 years ago on the 12th that Abbie Hoffman died, and 15 years ago on the 10th that Sam Kinison died. Both are heroes of mine. Both are role models to me. (I named my first two 'baby ALFs' after them.) Neither was ever afraid to speak his mind, and neither ever worried about who they'd piss off in doing so. Both passed away too soon.

Abbie was the clown prince of the antiwar movement during Vietnam, helping lead some of the greatest PR stunts of the movement (throwing dollar bills at the NYSE, the exorcism of the Pentagon, etc.), and of course was front and center as one of the Chicago Seven (Eight).

The morning of the day the shit hit the fan in Chicago in August 1968, Abbie was in a restaurant having breakfast when two cops confronted him and demanded that he take off his cowboy hat. He eventually did, revealing the word "FUCK" written on his forehead (a similar incident got me kicked out of Job Corps), was promptly arrested, and spent the rest of the day being bounced between precincts just long enough to keep him away from the Battle of Michigan Avenue.

He delivered two of my favorite courtroom quotes. When on trial for wearing a shirt with an American flag motif (many mistook the shirt as being made from a flag), considered 'desecration of the flag' (though many others had worn similar garb without being tried, proving that Abbie was really on trial for the thoughts in his head), he stood before the judge, the torn shirt lying in view on a table, struck a defiant pose and declared, "Your honor, I regret that I have but one shirt to give for my country."

The other was near the end of the Chicago trial, when he quoted Lincoln's inaugural address of 1861: "'When the people shall grow weary of their constitutional right to amend the government, they shall exert their revolutionary right to dismember and overthrow that government.' If Abraham Lincoln had given that speech in Lincoln Park, he would be on trial right here in this courtroom because that is an inciteful speech." The quote is as timely as ever today.

As for Sam, he is remembered for many classic bits, but if he could only be remembered for one, it would rightfully be the "Phone Call From Hell". He would call up 2 or 3 guys from the audience, listen to their stories about how some bitch broke their heart, pick a winner, then have a phone brought on stage so he could call her then and there and tell her off Kinison-style. This was a much-needed public service, and I wish I could have enlisted his help, though I was able to do it myself, in a way, at karaoke once using Sam's version of "Are You Lonesome Tonight". (Not to mention my "Jagged Little Parody", in which I spoke my mind and didn't care who I pissed off...Deja vu!)

More inspirational for me, though, was one of his many visits to the Steve Dahl Show. Never mind the mind-blowing show when Slash called from his car, then showed up in the studio to trade veiled drug references with Sam while Steve microwaved Oscar Mayer Zappetites right there in the studio (I labeled the tape "Zappetite For Destruction"). The visit that really stood out for me came just weeks after Sam's younger brother Kevin committed suicide in 1988.

At a time when any other guest or host would have steered clear of such a subject, Sam tackled it head-on with the sickest, darkest, and funniest humor possible. The highlight was when he talked about the wake. He told of standing in front of the casket next to his other brother Bill and their mother. When she said, through her tears, "He was the best...God always takes the best...", Sam and Bill looked at each other, then Sam said "So what are you trying to say, Mom?" Everyone at the wake cracked up. "Give us something to live for, will ya?" He had done his good deed for the day.

I always knew that Type 1 diabetes would someday claim my oldest brother Louie, and upon hearing that show, I immediately knew I would remember it when the inevitable day came. Sure enough, after Louie died in 2000, I kept Sam's example in my memory and maintained my sense of humor through the first huge loss of my life.

I have endured many more trying times in the years since, the senseless killing of my mom at the hands of medical incompetence, the 'Three is a tragic number' incident (no, not Earnhardt's death, though there's that too), my trainwreck of a breakup, being wrongfully fired (supposedly for something I didn't do, but really for being antiwar and atheist...punished for the thoughts in my head, yet more deja vu!), just to name a few, and of course I've had to endure the Bush administration's stupidity and their illegal war. And I have maintained my sense of humor through it all.

And I have Abbie and Sam to thank. Abbie endured an unjust war, Sam endured a tragic loss. Each did so with their sense of humor intact.

My own sense of humor has been my lifejacket, and Abbie and Sam each supplied a generous breath of air to help inflate it.

MOVE OVER, FACE ON MARS...WE NOW PRESENT THE POLAR HEXAGON OF SATURN!



For the full related article at NASA's Cassini mission site, CLICK HERE

Seriously, how friggin' weird is that thing? I'm guessing it will provide a nice change of pace for all the folks who have grown tired of speculating about the face on Mars and how it was made by aliens and NASA and/or the government wants to cover it up and whatnot. Now they can have fun coming up with lots of fresh new whackjob theories. Perhaps gigantic space-bees have begun building a massive hive there in preparation for an invasion of Earth. Or maybe when they image it in different wavelengths they'll find it's the middle part of a Star of David. Could it be Mel Brooks was unknowingly prophetic about Jews In Space? Oy vey!

LARRY "BUD" MELMAN
1921-2007

BAND TO CHECK OUT: GOMEZ



I've been championing these guys since 2004, when my Album of the Year winner was "Split The Difference". Two songs off their latest album, "How We Operate", are in the PKE book, the title track and "See The World", so I've been singing those a lot lately. Last week "See The World" was used on "House" and just last night "How We Operate" was used on "The Riches" so looks like they're catching on. Now I just hope they don't get too big and start repeating themselves. (Coldplay, I'm looking in your direction!)

HERE'S AN IDEA...

What if they replace Brad Delp with Eric Clapton and rename the band Boston Cream?

Hey, it's better than my last idea of Charlie Daniels and Dennis DeYoung forming a bluegrass band called Fiddlestyx.

BRAD DELP
1951-2007



[From the official Boston website]

"As you all know by now, Boston's lead singer, Brad Delp, was found dead in his home on Friday, March 9th 2007. Plans for live Boston performances this summer have, of course, been cancelled.

My heart goes out to his wonderful fiance Pamela, his two children and other family members, his close friends and band mates, and to the millions of people whose lives were made a little brighter by the sound of his voice. He will be dearly missed."

--Tom Scholz

THIS JUST IN...

After further review, the 2007 ALF Cup has been put back up for grabs.

The first ALF Cup Spring Basho will begin Monday night at 8pm, and end the last Monday in May. The winner of the Spring Basho will then face This Hour Has 22 Minutes (winners of what has now been reclassified as the Winter Basho) and a wildcard (TBD) in a Summer Basho to determine the 2007 ALF Cup champ.

The 2007-08 ALF Cup season will begin in September with an Autumn Basho, followed by Winter and Spring Bashos, etc.

Spiders On Drugs

This got airplay this week on "This Hour Has 22 Minutes", and deservedly so. Enjoy!

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

[The following is from the Toledo City Paper, January 24, 2007]

***

Best Karaoke Song List: Premiere Karaoke, LLC

Karaoke has come a long way since it first hit the United States from Japan. No longer is it simply a tipsy uncle singing "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang at your wedding. For many people, it's a weekly tradition, a chance to shine and impress a crowded room while celebrating a huge spectrum of music. TCP asked Doug Richardson about the karaoke empire he's built with Micki Greenburg to get some insight into what made Premiere Karaoke our readers' choice for Best Karaoke Song List.

TCP: How long has Premiere Karaoke been around?

DR: To us it doesn't seem that long, but Premiere Karaoke will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this October. We got our "start" at Buster Brown's Lounge in Maumee. Our second year there, Buster Brown's won "Best Karaoke Bar" in the City Paper's ‘Best Of Toledo’ poll, and since then, several of the clubs that we do, or did at that time, have been honored with that award (Jalapenos, JaK's Press Box, and Mutz; Mutz & Bier Stube were winner and runner-up last year, respectively).

TCP: What are some of the places that Premiere services?

DR: We currently provide karaoke services to the following clubs (in alphabetical order): Bier Stube, Buster Brown's, Jalapenos, Mutz, Old Roadhouse, Southwyck Lounge and T-Zers Sports Bar. And yes, we have actually done karaoke wedding receptions.

TCP: What is your favorite thing about being in the karaoke business?

DR: This is a difficult question for me to answer. Other than my love of music (I'm one of those people for whom the music drowns out the voices in my head), I think we enjoy the ability to interact with people of all ages — we've had singers ranging in age from six to over 60. I personally like designing and building the sound systems that we use, and (this may sound crazy) I get a rush from fixing them when they malfunction ... Yeah, that's right, I'm a geek! Fortunately, we rarely have any major problems at the shows.

TCP: What sets Premiere apart from other karaoke companies?

DR: There's really no big secret on how to be sucessful in the karaoke business. Just like any other business, you provide your customers a high quality product when they want it. Aside from our vast song selection and unequaled sound systems (everyone in the business claims to have that), we've recently integrated music videos, together with the karaoke and music tracks, to create a complete entertainment experience. Keeping a fair karaoke rotation is also key. We've also been very fortunate to find some very good karaoke hosts to run our shows over the years.

TCP: Have you noticed any trends (in people's music choices, etc.)?

DR: College kids love singing their grandparents' songs.
Only white boys sing rap music.
If a person comes up to the karaoke host towards the end of the show, and tells him to put his friend up to sing next, it's because either
he's going to get this party started, or
he's gonna Rock This Bar
There's a 99.9999% chance the singer's going to suck!

***

Let me just add that I am proud to be one of those hosts, and I am honored to be part of Doug & Micki's empire. Congrats you guys! And thanks to everyone who voted for us!

"THE BAD MACHINE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S A BAD MACHINE..."

I was in Southwyck the other day, dodging the tumbleweeds, and it really is a depressing place. The number of open shops seems to be in the single digits, and the only people who are walking around are the people who are only walking around.

Mall walkers. The sight of them never fails to remind me of The Wheel in "Midnight Express". Every now and then I'll go up to one and say "Remember, a good Turk always walks to the right."

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR ALL YOU STAR TREK FANS TO CHEW ON

While watching a rerun of Star Trek: Voyager, a thought occured to me.

Now for those of you with lives, in the Trek universe, the Milky Way galaxy is divided into four quadrants. Earth is located in the Alpha Quadrant, the Voyager ship is stranded in the Delta Quadrant, etc. The point is that, to the best of my knowledge, everything in Star Trek shows or movies takes place within our galaxy.

In other words, all of Trek is 'intragalactic'. Which means that any time you hear them use the word 'intergalactic', it's pretty much wrong. If there were any 'intergalactic' travel going on, for example, that would have to entail a trip to another galaxy.

I now brace for impact and await the onslaught of emails from apoplectic Trekkers. (Though it would be nice to know if my pal Willie is still reading this.)

Olbermann on Bush

I think he's pissed. Excellent job, Keith.

ELITE 8 AWARDS FOR 2006

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: "Rescue Me" Soundtrack--various artists
GEAK ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Rescue Me
CATCH PHRASE OF THE YEAR: "What up, sugar skull?"--Steve Dahl
MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan
COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR: "Whopperettes"--Burger King
MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR: Here It Goes Again"--OK Go
WEBSITE OF THE YEAR: YouTube

As for SONG OF THE YEAR, I'll be listing the results of the 128-song slugfest in the coming days. There was no clear favorite, and some of the leading contenders going in didn't even crack the top 10! In the end, the winner was decided by a slim margin, and I can honestly say that, even considering the many epic SOTY battles that have taken place in years past, the 2006 SOTY tourney will go down as the wildest, craziest, most competitive, and greatest in history!