YOUR TAX REBATE DOLLARS AT WORK
Got 2 pieces of mail today:
One was a letter from the IRS telling me I should be receiving my rebate check soon.
The other was my rebate check.
Current Duck Pond temperature: 24.9 C / 76.8 F
Monday, June 23, 2008
TONIGHT'S FORECAST: DARK
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."--George Carlin
He was a modern man. A man for the millenium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically-, anatomically-, and ecologically-incorrect.
He was uplinked and downloaded, he was inputed and outsourced. He knew the upside of downsizing, he knew the downside of upgrading. He was a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker, and he could give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
He was new wave, but he was old school, and his inner child was outward bound. He was a hot-wired heat-seeking warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable. He interfaced with his database, his database was in cyberspace. He was interactive, hyperactive and, from time to time, he was radioactive.
Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding a wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope. He was on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. He had no need for coke and speed. He had no urge to binge and purge. He was in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept low-profile medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart-bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder. He wore power ties, he told power lies, he took power naps, he ran victory laps. He was a totally ongoing bigfoot slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial.
He had a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You couldn't shut him up. You couldn't dumb him down. Because he was tireless and he was wireless. He was an alpha male on beta blockers.
He was a nonbeliever and an overachiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super-size, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. He was a hands-on foot-loose knee-jerk head-case, prematurely post-traumatic and he had a love child who sent him hate mail.
He was feeling, he was caring, he was healing, he was sharing. A supportive bonding nurturing primary caregiver. His output was down but his income was up, he took a short position on the long bond and his revenue stream had its own cash flow. He read junk mail, he ate junk food, he bought junk bonds, he watched trash sports. He was gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.
He liked rough sex, he liked tough love. He used the f-word in his e-mail and the software on his hard drive was hardcore, no soft porn. He bought a microwave at a mini-mall, he bought a minivan at a megastore. He ate fast food in the slow lane. He was toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear and he came in all sizes.
A fully-equipped factory-authorized hospital-tested clinically-proven scientifically-formulated medical miracle. He was pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and he had an unlimited broadband capacity.
He was a rude dude but he was the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. He took it slow, he went with the flow, he rode with the tide, he had glide in his stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. He didn't snooze so he didn't lose. He kept the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. He partied hearty, and lunch time was crunch time.
He hung in, there ain't no doubt. And he hung tough. Over and out.
Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.9 C / 75.0 F
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."--George Carlin
He was a modern man. A man for the millenium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically-, anatomically-, and ecologically-incorrect.
He was uplinked and downloaded, he was inputed and outsourced. He knew the upside of downsizing, he knew the downside of upgrading. He was a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker, and he could give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
He was new wave, but he was old school, and his inner child was outward bound. He was a hot-wired heat-seeking warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable. He interfaced with his database, his database was in cyberspace. He was interactive, hyperactive and, from time to time, he was radioactive.
Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding a wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope. He was on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. He had no need for coke and speed. He had no urge to binge and purge. He was in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept low-profile medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart-bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder. He wore power ties, he told power lies, he took power naps, he ran victory laps. He was a totally ongoing bigfoot slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial.
He had a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You couldn't shut him up. You couldn't dumb him down. Because he was tireless and he was wireless. He was an alpha male on beta blockers.
He was a nonbeliever and an overachiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super-size, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. He was a hands-on foot-loose knee-jerk head-case, prematurely post-traumatic and he had a love child who sent him hate mail.
He was feeling, he was caring, he was healing, he was sharing. A supportive bonding nurturing primary caregiver. His output was down but his income was up, he took a short position on the long bond and his revenue stream had its own cash flow. He read junk mail, he ate junk food, he bought junk bonds, he watched trash sports. He was gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.
He liked rough sex, he liked tough love. He used the f-word in his e-mail and the software on his hard drive was hardcore, no soft porn. He bought a microwave at a mini-mall, he bought a minivan at a megastore. He ate fast food in the slow lane. He was toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear and he came in all sizes.
A fully-equipped factory-authorized hospital-tested clinically-proven scientifically-formulated medical miracle. He was pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and he had an unlimited broadband capacity.
He was a rude dude but he was the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. He took it slow, he went with the flow, he rode with the tide, he had glide in his stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. He didn't snooze so he didn't lose. He kept the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. He partied hearty, and lunch time was crunch time.
He hung in, there ain't no doubt. And he hung tough. Over and out.
Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.9 C / 75.0 F
Sunday, June 22, 2008
MY FRIENDS SUCK
I called. I texted. Dozens of karaoke and non-karaoke friends and relatives. I let everyone I could think of know about my new karaoke show.
Nobody showed up. Sure, I had plenty of singers, but I didn't know anybody there.
Time to make new friends, I suppose.
Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.1 C / 73.5 F
I called. I texted. Dozens of karaoke and non-karaoke friends and relatives. I let everyone I could think of know about my new karaoke show.
Nobody showed up. Sure, I had plenty of singers, but I didn't know anybody there.
Time to make new friends, I suppose.
Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.1 C / 73.5 F
Friday, June 20, 2008
THE BETTER RODENT TRAP: WASTEBASKETS
Got a rodent in your house? Have you set out snap traps and glue traps and poison, all to no avail?
I've been there, and the only rodent-catching method with which I have EVER had consistent success is this: Two identical wastebaskets, preferably your standard tall rectangular kitchen variety, and a shitload of vigilance.
Set one wastebasket near where you've seen the disgusting little bastard, and bait it with some standard tasty-smelling garbage. Last time I found the greasy cardboard from inside a pizza box incredibly effective.
And now you play the waiting game. Clear your schedule for the next few hours. Listen to some music or the TV. Keep the other wastebasket handy, and monitor the baited one like a psychotic hawk. (The better the bait, the shorter the wait. That greasy pizza cardboard took less than an hour.)
When your visitor comes to check out your garbage, and it will, wait for it to hop in, then swoop in with the second wastebasket and drop it in the first one. Now you've got it trapped. If you prefer not to kill it, you can now run it outside to the nearest empty field or woods or wherever, and release it. The problem with releasing them is that they will now go look for another house to terrorize, or quite possibly return to yours! Well, fuck that shit.
If you'd rather kill it, use an awl to punch a couple of small holes in the second wastebasket. Once you've got it trapped, pour some bleach in. Oh, sorry, is that too cruel? Fuck you, it's vermin!
I released the last one, but only because I didn't think of the bleach thing yet.
Current Duck Pond temperature:
21.9 C / 71.4 F
Got a rodent in your house? Have you set out snap traps and glue traps and poison, all to no avail?
I've been there, and the only rodent-catching method with which I have EVER had consistent success is this: Two identical wastebaskets, preferably your standard tall rectangular kitchen variety, and a shitload of vigilance.
Set one wastebasket near where you've seen the disgusting little bastard, and bait it with some standard tasty-smelling garbage. Last time I found the greasy cardboard from inside a pizza box incredibly effective.
And now you play the waiting game. Clear your schedule for the next few hours. Listen to some music or the TV. Keep the other wastebasket handy, and monitor the baited one like a psychotic hawk. (The better the bait, the shorter the wait. That greasy pizza cardboard took less than an hour.)
When your visitor comes to check out your garbage, and it will, wait for it to hop in, then swoop in with the second wastebasket and drop it in the first one. Now you've got it trapped. If you prefer not to kill it, you can now run it outside to the nearest empty field or woods or wherever, and release it. The problem with releasing them is that they will now go look for another house to terrorize, or quite possibly return to yours! Well, fuck that shit.
If you'd rather kill it, use an awl to punch a couple of small holes in the second wastebasket. Once you've got it trapped, pour some bleach in. Oh, sorry, is that too cruel? Fuck you, it's vermin!
I released the last one, but only because I didn't think of the bleach thing yet.
Current Duck Pond temperature:
21.9 C / 71.4 F
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A NEW FEATURE WHICH IS COMPLETELY POINTLESS (WELL, EXCEPT FOR DECIMAL POINTS)
I've decided to start ending every post with the current temperature here in my man cave, according to my new digital thermometer. And since it'll appear just above the time I posted, think of it as sort of a modernized throwback to the days of calling the Ohio Bell recording that gave the time and temperature.
Current Duck Pond temperature: 23.7 C / 74.6 F
I've decided to start ending every post with the current temperature here in my man cave, according to my new digital thermometer. And since it'll appear just above the time I posted, think of it as sort of a modernized throwback to the days of calling the Ohio Bell recording that gave the time and temperature.
Current Duck Pond temperature: 23.7 C / 74.6 F
Monday, June 16, 2008
I'M GETTING OLD
First I started regularly watching the Mud Hens, now this: I actually watched golf over the weekend. Not even frisbee golf, REGULAR golf! What's next for me, Wii bowling?!
Mind you, it involved a lot of ridiculously-amazing shots by Tiger Woods and a thrilling back-and-forth playoff battle between him and the fun-to-watch Rocco Mediate. But still.
First I started regularly watching the Mud Hens, now this: I actually watched golf over the weekend. Not even frisbee golf, REGULAR golf! What's next for me, Wii bowling?!
Mind you, it involved a lot of ridiculously-amazing shots by Tiger Woods and a thrilling back-and-forth playoff battle between him and the fun-to-watch Rocco Mediate. But still.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
NY MAN COMMITTED SUICIDE IN JUMP FROM PLANE
June 9, 2008
DUANESBURG, N.Y. (AP) - A man who jumped from a skydiving plane without a parachute had been asking co-workers if they would rather die by jumping off a building or out of a plane.
Sloan Carafello, 29, was an observer on the plane Saturday and witnesses said he leaped out behind three parachuters at 10,000 feet. Police said Monday that he committed suicide.
Carafello, who lived in Schenectady, recently had unnerved some of his grocery store co-workers by frequently asking them, "If you had to die, would you rather jump off a building or jump out of a plane without a parachute?" Dave Bilili, an assistant manager at the store, told the Times Union of Albany.
Police found Carafello's body next to a house with a damaged roof in a rural town 15 miles west of Albany.
"It could have been one of two things, accident or suicide, and we ruled out accident," state police investigator Mario DiCristofaro said Monday.
DiCristofaro would not provide further details of the investigation. An autopsy Sunday said the cause of death was massive trauma.
Carafello had lived at a YMCA since August, said Louis Magliocca, the residence director. He said investigators searched Carafello's room, but didn't find a suicide note.
Bob Rawlins, who owns the skydiving company and was the pilot Saturday, said Carafello had asked to take a ride so he could take pictures for a school project. A videographer on board captured images of Carafello leaving the plane and turned it over to police.
"It's not the easiest thing to see," DiCristofaro said. "He comes out of the plane and starts falling."
Police said they won't release the video.
June 9, 2008
DUANESBURG, N.Y. (AP) - A man who jumped from a skydiving plane without a parachute had been asking co-workers if they would rather die by jumping off a building or out of a plane.
Sloan Carafello, 29, was an observer on the plane Saturday and witnesses said he leaped out behind three parachuters at 10,000 feet. Police said Monday that he committed suicide.
Carafello, who lived in Schenectady, recently had unnerved some of his grocery store co-workers by frequently asking them, "If you had to die, would you rather jump off a building or jump out of a plane without a parachute?" Dave Bilili, an assistant manager at the store, told the Times Union of Albany.
Police found Carafello's body next to a house with a damaged roof in a rural town 15 miles west of Albany.
"It could have been one of two things, accident or suicide, and we ruled out accident," state police investigator Mario DiCristofaro said Monday.
DiCristofaro would not provide further details of the investigation. An autopsy Sunday said the cause of death was massive trauma.
Carafello had lived at a YMCA since August, said Louis Magliocca, the residence director. He said investigators searched Carafello's room, but didn't find a suicide note.
Bob Rawlins, who owns the skydiving company and was the pilot Saturday, said Carafello had asked to take a ride so he could take pictures for a school project. A videographer on board captured images of Carafello leaving the plane and turned it over to police.
"It's not the easiest thing to see," DiCristofaro said. "He comes out of the plane and starts falling."
Police said they won't release the video.
THE TREASURE OF THE ARCHIVO ROJO (EPISODE 2)
Time to dip into the good old Red Folder full of goofy shit from my past.
Today we travel back to my days at Job Corps (1984-85). There was this fellow corpsmember of mine by the name of Scott Haden. I didn't know him that well actually, but I did get to read a lot of short stories and essays and things that he had written back in school. It was quality weirdness, so I typed up copies of all of it and they ended up in the Red Folder. This first item of his that I will share with you is a short piece titled "Revenge":
REVENGE by Scott Haden
Here I am just standing here having a fool made out of myself, letting all these people do what they want to me. It's very humiliating. Being a shoe is not easy. Having to hold up 150 lbs. every day, it's a drag. For instance, just the other day me and my owner were walking through this cow pasture when...well, I guess you know what's next. But anyway he starts griping about it, and here I am, every bit of cow CENSORED on me. Man did I get mad. I wanted to make him trip so bad that I did, and you'll never guess where...well, let's just say that he has something to gripe about now.
The End
Next time from the Archivo Rojo: Scott Haden's "Straight Curve"
Time to dip into the good old Red Folder full of goofy shit from my past.
Today we travel back to my days at Job Corps (1984-85). There was this fellow corpsmember of mine by the name of Scott Haden. I didn't know him that well actually, but I did get to read a lot of short stories and essays and things that he had written back in school. It was quality weirdness, so I typed up copies of all of it and they ended up in the Red Folder. This first item of his that I will share with you is a short piece titled "Revenge":
REVENGE by Scott Haden
Here I am just standing here having a fool made out of myself, letting all these people do what they want to me. It's very humiliating. Being a shoe is not easy. Having to hold up 150 lbs. every day, it's a drag. For instance, just the other day me and my owner were walking through this cow pasture when...well, I guess you know what's next. But anyway he starts griping about it, and here I am, every bit of cow CENSORED on me. Man did I get mad. I wanted to make him trip so bad that I did, and you'll never guess where...well, let's just say that he has something to gripe about now.
The End
Next time from the Archivo Rojo: Scott Haden's "Straight Curve"
Monday, June 09, 2008
Saturday, June 07, 2008
THE LAST 30 YEARS
Over the last few weeks I have been mentally compiling a list of things that have happened, come and gone since the last Triple Crown winner (hereafter abbreviated as TCW).
During my childhood I got to see 3 of them. Even two in a row! I took the feat for granted. How spoiled I was! Sure, there was a 25-year drought before that, but I wasn't around for most of that.
Those of you reading this who are under 30 have not had a TCW in your entire lifetime. That includes several of my friends and all 9 of my nieces and nephews (a few of whom have kids of their own now). That blows my mind. And you might not even care. You don't know what you're missing. I do.
I'm slowly becoming a geezer. I had no idea I'd been around this long. Turns out, 30 earth orbits around the sun is a friggin' LONG TIME! Here's just a few things that have occured since the last TCW:
Dale Earnhardt won 7 Nascar championships (plus Rookie Of The Year in 1979!)
Disco Demolition!
The Steelers became the first team to win 3 Super Bowls
The AIDS epidemic
Cal Ripken's entire 2,632 consecutive game streak
Dan Rather replaced Walter Cronkite
The Falkland Islands War
The Iranian hostage crisis
J.R. Ewing and John Lennon were both shot
Michael Jackson released his first solo album (and was still black!)
Mount St. Helens erupted
Pluto moved inside Neptune's orbit and back out again, AND it's moon Charon was discovered
President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a rabbit
Richard Pryor burned himself
Skylab fell out of orbit
Three Mile Island
Voyagers I and II flew by the outer planets
Things that didn't exist at the time of the last TCW:
"Breakfast at Wimbledon"
CART
CNN, ESPN, MTV, Nickelodeon and the Weather Channel
Compact discs
Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" TV series
The DeLorean
Double-Stuf Oreos
The entire Indiana Jones and Star Trek movie series
Nintendo
The Susan B. Anthony dollar
Taxi and WKRP In Cincinnati (both of which ran this week on WGN's Outta Sight Retro Nights)
Test-tube babies
When Affirmed completed the Triple Crown at Belmont on June 3, 1978:
Barack Obama was still in high school
Toledo Mud Hens 3rd baseman Mike Hessman, the reigning IL MVP, was 3 months old
The Cubs had only gone a mere 70 years since winning the World Series
Marco's Pizza had either just started or was about to (all I know is they started in 1978)
Not only had ALF not yet premiered, but neither had Mork & Mindy!
Not yet born at the time of the last TCW:
Chelsea Clinton
Macaulay Culkin
Paris Hilton
Katie Holmes
William Hung
Anna Kournikova
Matthew Lawrence
Danica Patrick
Michael Pitt
Britney Spears
Justin Timberlake
Still alive at the time of the last TCW:
Harry Chapin
Alfred Hitchcock
Joe Louis
Keith Moon
Jesse Owens
Colonel Sanders
Jay "Tonto" Silverheels
Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen
John Wayne
People who were born AND died since the last TCW:
Heath Ledger
Adam Petty
And last but not least...Mister Ed, the talking horse, died on February 28, 1979. How's THAT for perspective? The last time the Triple Crown was won, MISTER ED was still alive!
Over the last few weeks I have been mentally compiling a list of things that have happened, come and gone since the last Triple Crown winner (hereafter abbreviated as TCW).
During my childhood I got to see 3 of them. Even two in a row! I took the feat for granted. How spoiled I was! Sure, there was a 25-year drought before that, but I wasn't around for most of that.
Those of you reading this who are under 30 have not had a TCW in your entire lifetime. That includes several of my friends and all 9 of my nieces and nephews (a few of whom have kids of their own now). That blows my mind. And you might not even care. You don't know what you're missing. I do.
I'm slowly becoming a geezer. I had no idea I'd been around this long. Turns out, 30 earth orbits around the sun is a friggin' LONG TIME! Here's just a few things that have occured since the last TCW:
Dale Earnhardt won 7 Nascar championships (plus Rookie Of The Year in 1979!)
Disco Demolition!
The Steelers became the first team to win 3 Super Bowls
The AIDS epidemic
Cal Ripken's entire 2,632 consecutive game streak
Dan Rather replaced Walter Cronkite
The Falkland Islands War
The Iranian hostage crisis
J.R. Ewing and John Lennon were both shot
Michael Jackson released his first solo album (and was still black!)
Mount St. Helens erupted
Pluto moved inside Neptune's orbit and back out again, AND it's moon Charon was discovered
President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a rabbit
Richard Pryor burned himself
Skylab fell out of orbit
Three Mile Island
Voyagers I and II flew by the outer planets
Things that didn't exist at the time of the last TCW:
"Breakfast at Wimbledon"
CART
CNN, ESPN, MTV, Nickelodeon and the Weather Channel
Compact discs
Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" TV series
The DeLorean
Double-Stuf Oreos
The entire Indiana Jones and Star Trek movie series
Nintendo
The Susan B. Anthony dollar
Taxi and WKRP In Cincinnati (both of which ran this week on WGN's Outta Sight Retro Nights)
Test-tube babies
When Affirmed completed the Triple Crown at Belmont on June 3, 1978:
Barack Obama was still in high school
Toledo Mud Hens 3rd baseman Mike Hessman, the reigning IL MVP, was 3 months old
The Cubs had only gone a mere 70 years since winning the World Series
Marco's Pizza had either just started or was about to (all I know is they started in 1978)
Not only had ALF not yet premiered, but neither had Mork & Mindy!
Not yet born at the time of the last TCW:
Chelsea Clinton
Macaulay Culkin
Paris Hilton
Katie Holmes
William Hung
Anna Kournikova
Matthew Lawrence
Danica Patrick
Michael Pitt
Britney Spears
Justin Timberlake
Still alive at the time of the last TCW:
Harry Chapin
Alfred Hitchcock
Joe Louis
Keith Moon
Jesse Owens
Colonel Sanders
Jay "Tonto" Silverheels
Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen
John Wayne
People who were born AND died since the last TCW:
Heath Ledger
Adam Petty
And last but not least...Mister Ed, the talking horse, died on February 28, 1979. How's THAT for perspective? The last time the Triple Crown was won, MISTER ED was still alive!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
LET'S PUT THESE IN THE NEXT WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY ALONG WITH 'SPAMMENT'
I've coined two new words in the last two days. Which is why I failed to post the last two days. I was busy coining new words. It's very time-consuming.
"Drizzerable"--Rather obvious weather term. It's not just drizzle, but miserably so.
"Snippy-snappy"--Describes people in Maryland, who have displayed to me over the last two days an incredible lack of basic phone manners. They are waaay too grouchy and waaaaay too terse. I think the whole state must be experiencing a widespread irritable-bowel-syndrome epidemic. (That or the weather there is drizzerable this week.)
It's not easy being a pacifist sometimes. After two evenings of being snippy-snapped at by Marylanders, my urge to kill causes my nerves to twitch severely and, since I don't have a way to get to Maryland, and even if I could get there I would be completely incapable of fulfilling my desire to strangle people to death, I have to come home and find inanimate objects I had planned to put out in the garbage anyway and bash them to tiny bits with my claw hammer and pretend they are the skulls of Marylanders.
I've coined two new words in the last two days. Which is why I failed to post the last two days. I was busy coining new words. It's very time-consuming.
"Drizzerable"--Rather obvious weather term. It's not just drizzle, but miserably so.
"Snippy-snappy"--Describes people in Maryland, who have displayed to me over the last two days an incredible lack of basic phone manners. They are waaay too grouchy and waaaaay too terse. I think the whole state must be experiencing a widespread irritable-bowel-syndrome epidemic. (That or the weather there is drizzerable this week.)
It's not easy being a pacifist sometimes. After two evenings of being snippy-snapped at by Marylanders, my urge to kill causes my nerves to twitch severely and, since I don't have a way to get to Maryland, and even if I could get there I would be completely incapable of fulfilling my desire to strangle people to death, I have to come home and find inanimate objects I had planned to put out in the garbage anyway and bash them to tiny bits with my claw hammer and pretend they are the skulls of Marylanders.
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