ALF: THE COMEBACK KID, ER, ALIEN
(email report from Steve Baxley)

This just in from the home office on Melmac: The signers of the "Bring Back ALF" online petition letter have finally gotten their wish.



The furry, cat-craving extraterrestrial star of the 1980s NBC sitcom, most recently spotted slumming it for long-distance services 10-10-220 and 1-800-COLLECT, has just landed his own show on Nickelodeon.

ALF's Hit Talk Show is a new series in development for Nick at Nite. Perhaps taking a hint from his latest 10-10-220 commercial where he channels Johnny Carson, the show will feature ALF (short for Alien Life Form--his given name is Gordon Shumway) interviewing a host of celebs.

The gabfest is part of an effort by the Nickelodeon and TV Land channels (both owned by media giant Viacom) to garner a more adult audience in the post-kiddie viewing hours. Among the other shows on tap are two new adult-friendly animated series from Bill Cosby and Kelsey Grammer.

For now Nickelodeon is banking on the alien appeal of ALF. Surprisingly, the hairy space oddity has retained a major cult following since NBC pulled ALF off the air in 1990 after four seasons of dissing the daily activities of the Tanner clan, his de facto family after his spaceship crashed into their garage.

Thirteen years after the show was canceled, hundreds of fan sites have sprung up on the Web. ALF's comeback began earlier this year when he was hired to hawk long-distance services opposite the likes of Terry Bradshaw, Mike Piazza, Emmitt Smith and Toby Keith.

Apparently a couple commercials weren't enough for ALF's most ardent fans, many of whom took to the Net to petition for a more appropriate vehicle to showcase ALF's unique talents.

"ALF is the coolest, most loveable alien and for some reason he is off. Networks, get him back," begged Tara on the Planet Melmac Message Board before Nickelodeon green-lighted the talk show.

"Whoever the powers to be are: PLEASE!!! Bring back this show!!! With all the junk on the dial today... nothing would make me happier than to be able to watch my furry friendly buddy," added ALF aficionado Jody.

Though none of Jody's TV ideas (such as ALF Returns, ALF Goes Hollywood, ALF Over the Rainbow, ALF visits London and the U.K., ALF: Return of the Family, ALF: Return to Melmac or Winter Vacation with ALF) were picked up, ALF's Hit Talk Show is ready to go.

The pilot was taped in November, and ALF's run as the next Dave/Jay/Oprah will begin early in 2004.

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (DEC 19-25)

(This week it seems the H in Howards Club H stands for Hogging Half the list. And once again, I engage in shameless self-promotion.)

10. Ducksoup--tonight at Jalapeno's (maybe), Saturday at Mutz (definitely)
9. Time Peace--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
8. Crazy Eddie--tonight at Howards Club H
7. Fat Dog--tonight at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
6. Red Headed Stepchild--Saturday at Howards Club H
5. Headcreeps--Saturday at Howards Club H
4. Arose Hail--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
3. Hemi Jendrix--Thursday at Howards Club H
2. 2000 Flushes--Saturday at Fitzpatrick's Tavern

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Goiterjelly--Saturday at Howards Club H

"THE DEPOSIIIII-TION! WHAT A SHOW! THE DEPOSIIIII-TION..."

Well, okay, it didn't take place in a courtroom, but I did give my deposition the other day. (Just to be safe I won't mention the details.) But sure enough, as you'd expect, the task of swearing me in was not exactly routine.

The stenographer was given the honors. "Raise your right hand."

Why? What diff does it make whether I raise my hand or not? Nothing up my sleeve. Ah, fuck it, I'll play along.

I raise my left hand.

Obviously she's no beginner at this. "Your other hand," she says nonchalantly. (I was kinda hoping for the 'your other right hand' joke. Oh well.)

I protest. "But I'm left-handed." Really, shouldn't it be the other way around for me? Hey, I gotta stick up for my fellow southpaws. Left on!

Fuckin' bigoted right-handed world. Whatever. I acquiesce. But in doing so, I manage to get in a nice subtle dig on my sis, who is also present, and with whom I had a rather heated argument just a bit earlier that day about my sexual orientation/preference.

"Whatever...I'm kinda ambidextrous actually, so I can go both ways." [big grin] Take that, sis, ya dang homophobe! (Or bi-phobe in this case, I spose.)

The next part, of course, you all knew was coming. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"Nope."

A slight pause. I can tell by now these people just love me. "I'm an atheist. Leave off that last part and we're in business," I say, very cheerful and friendly-like. I don't mean to give anyone a hard time. I'm just sticking up for my non-beliefs.

The poor thing soldiers on and tries again. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"So help me ALF," I say, as I whip out my cell phone with my goombah's picture on it. I give his mug a quick little peck for added effect. Whenever possible, I try to give people something to talk about at the dinner table that night. In some cases, you make not just their day, but their life. Years from now, at Thanksgiving..."Did I ever tell you about the weirdo I had to swear in once?"

Really, the whole swearing in thing is just a quaint bit of stupidity that has hung in there for ages, and everyone is so used to it that no one ever really thinks about how ridiculous it is. As in the comedy bit about D&D: "He said it was a magical sword!" "He was lying." "But he said he never tells a lie!" "He was lying when he said that." And the raising your hand bit: What is this, the fucking scouts? I suppose they want to make sure I'm not crossing my fingers. How very childish. Next you're gonna tell me there's no tagbacks.

Just think if I ever hit a courtroom. Hoo boy! It'll be a Three Stooges/Marx Brothers for the new millennium!

"Order in the court!" "I'll have two large, one all-meat and one pepperoni melt, with garlic and parmesan on the crust, please. Anybody else want something?"
"Objection!" "The goofy game for dopey doctors? No, wait, that's Operation. Sorry. Never mind."
"The witness may step down now." "I can? Can I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around too?"
"Place your hand on this bible..." "Oh, I don't think so. Can we get a copy of Carl Sagan's 'Cosmos' in here for this? I prefer NON-fiction, thank you. If we gotta do fiction, let's at least go with Douglas Adams."
"All rise!" "Rise? You mean, like, levitate? Hey, I ain't David Blaine here. On the other hand, that cute gal in the jury box is making part of me levitate right now, if ya know what I mean."

I guess I should arrange my bail ahead of time, for when they throw that 'contempt of court' bullshit at me.

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (DEC 12-18)

10. Ducksoup--Saturday at Mutz, about 9:30-10pm (shameless self-promotion)
9. Ceiling--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
8. The Strawbs--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Stacked Ham--tonight & Saturday at Break Room Lounge
6. Deep Fried Pickle Project--Saturday at Maxwell's Brew
5. One Eyed Show--tonight at Howards Club H
4. Swashbucklers Of The 21st Century--tonight at Club Frogtown
3. Local Anesthetic--Saturday at Sports Zone
2. Grasshopper Pie--tonight at Howards Club H

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Moon The Giant--tonight at Village Idiot

MUST...WRITE...A...BLOG...ENTRY...(GASP)...MUST...REACH...MY...UTILIITY...BELT...

Got a few different topics to catch you up on, so I'll itemize them.

1. The resolution: We won, and we're not happy about it
2. I think I've found a place to call my karaoke home
3. My car accident
4. The subsequent letters from scumbag law firms about my accident

1. The resolution

Yes, Toledo is now one of the more than 200 cities/communities that have passed resolutions against the so-called "Patriot" Act. The problem is that they gutted the damn thing before they passed it. It got watered down so much that some of us held a press conference Monday to voice our disgust. The Blade ran articles Tuesday and Wednesday on the subject. The Tuesday article features a nice picture of yours truly and a few of my comrades. Check it out. Boy, don't we look pissed? Well, we were!

And so the shell of a resolution that remained got passed 10-2, which is a small, hollow victory for our side, but there remains much more work to be done. Now I'd like to see Toledo pass an ordinance, something with some substance, some teeth to it. The ultimate goal is to get the so-called "Patriot" Act and all other legislation like it thrown out and have the Bill of Rights restored!

2. Karaoke

Ever since my brief (one song) stint in Cleveland as lead singer of Pansy Division, I've been itching to get out and do some karaoke. Also Nick (bassist for Dirty Power) wants to form an all-lookalike band of big bald guys with goatees called Baldy and he's looking for a lead singer and a drummer, so I need to work on my singing. (That, or find a dirt-cheap set of drums and a tolerant neighborhood.)

After some investigation, I finally found a host site conducive to my location and work schedule. I plan to be a regular, so for those who, just in case, a few years from now, want to be able to tell everyone about how they were witness to Baldy lead singer Ducksoup's humble beginnings, you can, most likely, barring any unforseen circumstances, catch me at Mutz, 27 Broadway (the Oliver House) on Saturday nights starting around 9:30 or 10pm.

Given my vocal range, I think I do best with stuff like Pearl Jam or Staind, and last week I did okay with a couple of Weird Al ballads, but my current song of choice is Finger Eleven's "One Thing". I also need to explore my limits, though, so I'm ready to try just about any song I'm familiar with. But I promise not to shatter your eardrums. So please come cheer me on!

One query though: If I bill myself as my band, Eggs Danny Thomas Style, can I make my own band name list?

3. My car accident

Finally! Took me long enough, right? Hey, I needed time to gain some perspective on the whole experience. Bite me.

As far as the crash itself, there's really not much to tell. I hitched a ride home from work with a co-worker, she had a brain fart and accidentally (that's why they're called accidents) ran a red light, and we got t-boned on my side. Ouch.

As I said previously, there's nothing quite like riding shotgun, watching a pair of headlights approach from your side, knowing the car is going to t-bone you, knowing you're just a passenger, and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it. And all you can do is think to yourself, "Oh shit. This is going to be rather unpleasant." And then you brace for impact.

As it happens, I was in a Chrysler Fifth Avenue, a nice big tank of a car, and the other driver was in a compact. He had an airbag so he wasn't hurt. (But he was 85 and despite the roads being wet I'm not all that sure he really tried to slow down much, so it's too bad he wasn't faulted, or my co-worker and I would both be rolling into work in tight whips, baby! Bling bling!) Now, switch the cars around and I might not be sitting here typing this. But it's safe to say the tank I was in saved my life, so later that week, on Thanksgiving, I gave thanks to Chrysler for building it.

Immediately after impact, I had a very sore spot in my back around my right shoulder blade. Given my low threshold of pain, if something was broken I would be screaming my lungs out. And I've lost no mobility in any way. So I passed on visiting an emergency room. Some other sore spots came and went in the next week, the initial sore spot remains, but it's steadily getting better, save for a couple of times I've slept in the wrong position, so hopefully there are no long-term problems.

But I've saved my biggest sore spot for last...

4. Time for a mailbag segment! "Letters, oh we get letters, we get your letters every day..."

Let's see, what's in the ol' mailbag today...ooh, a big manila envelope, looks important.

It's not.

It's a fucking advertisement! From the law firm of Kalniz, Iorio & Feldstein. Seems they scoured the accident reports in the paper, saw me and my address listed and fired off this nice friendly insidious disgusting advertisement (I can tell it's an advertisement, you see, by the tiny little faintly stamped-in-red-ink "advertisement only" way at the bottom as per whatever regulations exist that say they have to stamp that on there somewhere however barely noticeable) with a nice friendly insidious disgusting suggestion: "SUE SUE SUE!"

"Go ahead, sue the crap out of your co-worker, who graciously offered you a ride home, went out of her way to do so, and showed the utmost concern for your well-being immediately after impact in spite of her own! Sue her kind thoughtful ass! Sue her even though she works the exact same job and the exact same hours and takes home the exact same crappy paycheck as you! Sue her even though your dear departed mother did not raise you that way. Don't listen to your mom, she's dead anyway. Listen to us. We know what's good for you. Never mind the fact that we're too damn lazy to go out and literally chase ambulances anymore."

Mind you, I was tempted to send it back with a nice friendly note of my own telling them just what I thought of their sickening little ad, but as my bro pointed out, that's like answering spam email. No need to confirm for them that there's a living body at this address who would surely just love to receive ten times more of stupid advertisements like this.

And in fact, I've received two more since then, specifically from Dzienny Law Offices, Ltd., and from the Law Offices of Douglas R. Price, Attorney At Law. All with the same nice friendly insidious disgusting advertising message. Why then, you must wonder, am I listing them here, along with their phone numbers?

Oops, did I forget to list their phone numbers? Sorry, my bad. Here ya go:

Kalniz, Iorio & Feldstein: 800-537-1954
Dzienny Law Offices: 877-255-7315
Douglas R. Price: 419-242-3540

Again, why am I listing them here? No reason. I mean, it's not like I'm encouraging everyone reading this to BOYCOTT THEM AND INUNDATE THEM WITH PHONE CALLS TELLING THEM WHAT SCUMBAGS THEY ARE FOR MAILING OUT THIS KIND OF CRAP. Because I'm sure those of you reading this who share my mindset on this subject will BOYCOTT THEM AND INUNDATE THEM WITH PHONE CALLS TELLING THEM WHAT SCUMBAGS THEY ARE FOR MAILING OUT THIS KIND OF CRAP without my encouragement. And if you do, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that if you first dial *67 it will block your phone number from them so they can't call you back.

And so as I sit here relieved that I've finally been able to write about all this stuff, I wonder, which will arrive next: the wave of mail advertisements from chiropractors, or the wave of mail advertisements from massage parlors?

TOP ONE BEST BAND NAME PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK INSTEAD OF LAST WEEK

Since this week is lacking in new and interesting band names, I'm giving the ol' list another rest. Instead I have a correction to make:

Lame-O (aka Mullet Milennium) did not play last week as listed, but they are playing this Saturday at Longhorn Saloon, 944 Phillips Ave., around 10pm. Go check 'em out!