"THE DEPOSIIIII-TION! WHAT A SHOW! THE DEPOSIIIII-TION..."

Well, okay, it didn't take place in a courtroom, but I did give my deposition the other day. (Just to be safe I won't mention the details.) But sure enough, as you'd expect, the task of swearing me in was not exactly routine.

The stenographer was given the honors. "Raise your right hand."

Why? What diff does it make whether I raise my hand or not? Nothing up my sleeve. Ah, fuck it, I'll play along.

I raise my left hand.

Obviously she's no beginner at this. "Your other hand," she says nonchalantly. (I was kinda hoping for the 'your other right hand' joke. Oh well.)

I protest. "But I'm left-handed." Really, shouldn't it be the other way around for me? Hey, I gotta stick up for my fellow southpaws. Left on!

Fuckin' bigoted right-handed world. Whatever. I acquiesce. But in doing so, I manage to get in a nice subtle dig on my sis, who is also present, and with whom I had a rather heated argument just a bit earlier that day about my sexual orientation/preference.

"Whatever...I'm kinda ambidextrous actually, so I can go both ways." [big grin] Take that, sis, ya dang homophobe! (Or bi-phobe in this case, I spose.)

The next part, of course, you all knew was coming. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"Nope."

A slight pause. I can tell by now these people just love me. "I'm an atheist. Leave off that last part and we're in business," I say, very cheerful and friendly-like. I don't mean to give anyone a hard time. I'm just sticking up for my non-beliefs.

The poor thing soldiers on and tries again. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"So help me ALF," I say, as I whip out my cell phone with my goombah's picture on it. I give his mug a quick little peck for added effect. Whenever possible, I try to give people something to talk about at the dinner table that night. In some cases, you make not just their day, but their life. Years from now, at Thanksgiving..."Did I ever tell you about the weirdo I had to swear in once?"

Really, the whole swearing in thing is just a quaint bit of stupidity that has hung in there for ages, and everyone is so used to it that no one ever really thinks about how ridiculous it is. As in the comedy bit about D&D: "He said it was a magical sword!" "He was lying." "But he said he never tells a lie!" "He was lying when he said that." And the raising your hand bit: What is this, the fucking scouts? I suppose they want to make sure I'm not crossing my fingers. How very childish. Next you're gonna tell me there's no tagbacks.

Just think if I ever hit a courtroom. Hoo boy! It'll be a Three Stooges/Marx Brothers for the new millennium!

"Order in the court!" "I'll have two large, one all-meat and one pepperoni melt, with garlic and parmesan on the crust, please. Anybody else want something?"
"Objection!" "The goofy game for dopey doctors? No, wait, that's Operation. Sorry. Never mind."
"The witness may step down now." "I can? Can I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around too?"
"Place your hand on this bible..." "Oh, I don't think so. Can we get a copy of Carl Sagan's 'Cosmos' in here for this? I prefer NON-fiction, thank you. If we gotta do fiction, let's at least go with Douglas Adams."
"All rise!" "Rise? You mean, like, levitate? Hey, I ain't David Blaine here. On the other hand, that cute gal in the jury box is making part of me levitate right now, if ya know what I mean."

I guess I should arrange my bail ahead of time, for when they throw that 'contempt of court' bullshit at me.