lowercase thots, november 2006
(random things that pop into my sprained mind while i'm working)

one time a guy told me he had recently been born again so i told him he should go put on some diapers. (my friend noel says i should have asked the guy if he had two belly buttons)

the last time i was in chicago i almost caught a cold but luckily for me steve bartman got in the way

i'm a lapsed agnostic. i have more important things to think about

i once saw a very low-budget stage production of pink floyd's 'the wall'. they used a cubicle wall. at the end when they go 'tear down the wall!' a guy just walked up to it and tipped it over. rather anti-climactic

i made a pilgrimage to the spot where ernie kovacs veered off the road and fatally crashed. i stood on the exact spot. it felt very weird standing where he veered

my childhood dog was named scooter by his previous owners with whom he rode on their motorcycle as a puppy. i wonder if they rode on just their back wheel, because it would be really weird if he were wheelie-reared

i always like to say something when i sneeze: 'ahhh shiznit!' 'hot cheese!' etc. but my new favorite is 'iiiii sneezed!' it's the long-awaited sequel to what i say when i burp: 'i burped'

i'm all in favor of adoption but it doesn't always work out. just ask the manson family

you can learn a lot of new words doing crossword puzzles, but most of them are only used in crossword puzzles. when's the last time you used 'ague' or 'eft' or 'erne' in normal conversation? and how much are eli wallach and arte johnson paying for all those mentions?

even if i wanted people to bless me (which i don't), i still wouldn't want them to waste it on a harmless little sneeze. save it for when i'm in a car accident or i'm diagnosed with ass cancer

smart financial move on my part: starting that rumor years ago about razor blades in halloween candy. now i don't have to buy as much to hand out

how many songs have you heard where the first line is something about waking up in the morning? ever wonder why that is? as a guy who's written a few songs, i can tell you why: it's because the songwriter, whether he had a topic in mind or just decided for some self-disciplinary reason to make himself sit down that day and write a song, was stuck for a first line, and thus resorted to reviewing what he had done so far that day. 'let's see...i woke up, and then...'

the 'whose line' drinking game: when watching a rerun of 'whose line is it anyway', whenever wayne brady is making up a song and begins a line with the word 'because', do a shot. warning: you will probably die of alcohol poisoning

how to get people to stop talking on their cell phones on the bus: put your ear up next to their phone to try to hear what the other person is saying. if they have a problem with that, they can hang up and call back after they get off the damn bus!

there are no atheists in foxholes because we're not stupid enough to enlist in the first place!

why aren't there more orange cars?

i wrote a poem in which i rhymed 'orange' with 'door hinge'. i just hope the poetry cops don't come after me. i doubt it. they've got their hands full with eminem

when i peed on the witness stand the judge declared 'urine contempt of court!'

just so you know, i'm ashamed that george w. bush is from the same universe as me

when i hear someone described as 'high maintenance' i think of the kind of potheads who have to maintain a high 24/7. even at work (you know, like my ex)

dick clark is hosting 'new year's rockin eve' again this year, giving whole new meaning to the phrase 'stroke of midnight'

the animals they use for animal cracker shapes are never the ones we eat normally. who the heck is eating circus animals? where are the cows, pigs and chickens? when's the last time you ate actual giraffe meat? i say if you're going to go in the other direction, be more exotic: platypus, squid...how about a stingray cracker? that'd be timely. tho they probly won't sell down under. here's another idea: endangered animal crackers! pandas, fur seals, california condors...that'll *really* piss off the vegetarians!

'drug trafficking' is kind of an odd phrase. makes me think of a drug traffic jam. 'whoa dude, i am totally not moving...' *honk honk* 'hey! move your damn pot! i'm on speed here!'

you ever have a coughing jag reach the point where every time you cough, you also hiccup? scary, isn't it? it's like your body's whole system is about to erupt into total chaos. how about when you sneeze and you lose control of your bodily functions for just a split second which is just long enough to make you poot? nothing throws a monkey wrench into your plans for the day like an unexpected sneeze-poot

i saw an item in the paper today about test-tube koalas. chalk up another band name!

'x marks the spot.' no it doesn't. a spot marks the spot. x marks the x

kids are getting arrested for downloading songs for free. why wasn't i arrested when i taped songs off the radio with my cassette player as a kid? yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me

can you imagine a pirate movie a hundred years from now? 'pirates of the internet: the curse of the napster'...starring johnny depp's great-great-grandson as shawn fanning and nigel hawthorne's great-great-grandson as lars ulrich

strange the things that stick in one's brain. whenever i encounter the number 721, i think of that steel-belted tire commercial from 30 years ago: 'seven...around two...wrapped by one'

as of this writing, it seems we are just two assassinations away from a female president. now's the chance for some gun-toting radical feminist to really make a name for herself

my standard reply to 'watch your mouth!' has always been 'i can't, my nose is in the way'

i have no problem with o.j. simpson. he gives hope to all of us who would like to kill our exes

can we as a society please agree not to draw the numeral 6 sideways? and execute those who do? and stop putting that little line thru the 7s!

back when the first 3-blade razor came out, snl did a parody ad about a 4-blade razor. now there are acutal 5-blade razors. therefore, i feel it is my duty to update the parody: 'presenting the new 6-blade razor! the first blade pulls the hair out, then the second blade holds the hair while the third blade beats the crap out of it. then the fourth blade psychologically abuses the hair, thus weakening the hair's spirit before the fifth blade chops it off and the sixth, or so-called 'dahmer' blade, has sex with the now-dead hair.' there ya go. now i just hope i die before they work their way up to an actual 7-blade razor. then the task of coming up with the 8-blade parody will be someone else's problem