HIS LAST WORDS BEFORE TAKING TO THE ICE WERE "I CAN'T WEAR THIS HELMET, IT TOTALLY CLASHES WITH MY SEQUINED CHAPS!"

Mr. Coloredwell is still working on his 2009 football fashion reviews. Meanwhile, don't expect him to put out a fashion review of Olympic figure skaters, because he's a SPORTS fashion critic, and figure skating is NOT a sport. Any so-called sport that is decided by a panel of judges is not really a sport.

Ironically, Mr. C agrees with me on my first of 4 suggestions to improve figure skating, and maybe even turn it into an actual sport: All the skaters should wear identical outfits. It should not be a fashion show. Clearly the skaters think that they can win part of the crowd over with their outfits, which in turn might sway some of the judges. It shouldn't matter how sparkly or frilly you are dressed.

And I direct that last part specifically at all the gay male figure skaters I saw on the bar TV at karaoke the other night. Way to perpetuate stereotypes, boys! I believe that every 4 years, when this stuff comes on the telly, it sets gay rights back by about 4 years. I doubt it's winning over any of the religious, homophobic douchebags out there opposing same-sex marriage and gays in the military and/or boy scouts.

Plus, for the love of Sonia Heine, talk about a twink-fest! You're looking at more than a few cases of anorexia/bulimia out there. A lot of them probably weigh less than one of my legs! Which brings me to my next idea: different weight divisions, like they have in boxing. Just imagine a heavyweight figure skating division! Let's put a few 300-pounders like me out on the ice. Whoever falls down the fewest times wins.

Which also applies to my next idea, which would actually be the most practical and possible change that could be made to make it an actual sport: put all the skaters on the ice at once, have them just go in a circle around the rink, and have them all do the same moves at the same time, starting with the easiest ones and gradually increasing the level of difficulty. You miss one and fall, you're done. Last one skating wins.

Finally, my favorite idea: Each skater goes out and tries to execute his routine just as they do now, but with 2 new elements to raise the level of difficulty and keep things interesting. First, put a couple of hockey players out there with sticks trying to trip the skater or slam him into the boards. Second, have someone on each side of the rink sliding curling rocks across the ice. I don't know if that would make it a sport, but it would certainly be some highly entertaining shit.

"And now he's about to go for the triple lutz, and...OOH! He gets body-checked into the glass! He's down! And one of the curling rocks hits him in the head and knocks him unconscious! Well, there go his medal hopes. Bob."

Before we get to the business at hand, I should let you know that Mr. Coloredwell's 2009 football fashion review is coming soon. Also I should pass along his two Super Bowl fashion stats:
1. Including the Saints, teams wearing white jerseys have won the last 6 Super Bowls.
B. Including the Colts, teams wearing blue jerseys are 5-11 overall in Super Bowls.

DUXOOP DOZEN...THE LONG-OVERDUE CONCLUSION

And now, the big 4...

Catch Phrase Of The Year: "Yaaaaay!" (with too-fast clapping) - Bryan Gunn

A narrow victory over Quote Of The Year "No money, no women, no dope, shit", this was originally coined by former karaoke regular Kevin, but was perfectly-copied and subsequently popularized by Bryan (as well as myself), so much so that we have people who have never even MET Kevin imitating him to cheer each other's karaoke turns. Yaaaay Bryan!

Geak Rookie Of The Year: The Bus

There was a very good rookie crop this year, but my trusty steed left all the others in the dust...wait, make that a snow drift. This past Saturday I had an absolute blast driving around the snow-covered parking lot at my workplace before my delayed shift. All-wheel drive + unplowed parking lot = a shitload of FUN!

Album Of The Year: Citizen Cope - "The Clarence Greenwood Recordings"

As you'll see below, Cope snagged a lot of high spots in this year's SOTY standings, thus making this one an easy choice.

Which brings us to the biggie, Song Of The Year. Was there ever any doubt who'd win this one? Here's the top 42 (a nod to Douglas Adams) in the final standings:

1 Barnes & Barnes - Cruising Through Westwood
2 Loscil - Rorschach
3 Citizen Cope - D'Artagnan's Theme
4 Hey Rosetta! - New Goodbye
5 Pearl Jam - Just Breathe
6 Owl City - Fireflies
7 Flight Of The Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)
8 Blue Rodeo - Hasn't Hit Me Yet
9 Citizen Cope - Pablo Picasso/My Way Home
10 Flight Of The Conchords - Hiphopopotamus Vs. Rhymenoceros
11 Heatmiser - Half Right
12 Pansy Division - Never You Mind
13 Citizen Cope - Nite Becomes Day
14 Barnes & Barnes - Political Statement
15 Flight Of The Conchords - I'm Not Crying
16 Iron Maiden - The Prisoner
17 Rogue Wave - Kicking The Heart Out
18 The Rutles - The Knicker Elastic King
19 Hey Rosetta! - Hospital Beds
20 Barnes & Barnes - Fish Heads (Early Version)
21 Green Day - Last Night On Earth
22 My Morning Jacket - Golden (Acoustic)
23 Kings Of Leon - Notion
24 Madness - The Sun And The Rain
25 Citizen Cope - Son's Gonna Rise
26 Green Day - Peacemaker
27 Weird Al Yankovic - Craigslist
28 Citizen Cope - Sideways
29 Loudon Wainwright III - Good Ship Venus
30 Green Day - ?Viva La Gloria?
31 Pansy Division - Some Of My Best Friends
32 Joe Walsh - Indian Summer (live on the Steve Dahl Show)
33 Green Day - The Static Age
34 Citizen Cope - Bullet And A Target
35 Robert Lund - 99 Words For Boobs
36 Madness - One Better Day
37 The Rutles - Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik
38 Green Day - Last Of The American Girls
39 Pansy Division - It's Just A Job
40 Citizen Cope - Hurricane Waters
41 Barnes & Barnes - Voyeur
42 Weird Al Yankovic - Whatever You Like
(PS: Last year's winner, The Weepies - World Spins Madly On, finished 43rd.)