HIS LAST WORDS BEFORE TAKING TO THE ICE WERE "I CAN'T WEAR THIS HELMET, IT TOTALLY CLASHES WITH MY SEQUINED CHAPS!"

Mr. Coloredwell is still working on his 2009 football fashion reviews. Meanwhile, don't expect him to put out a fashion review of Olympic figure skaters, because he's a SPORTS fashion critic, and figure skating is NOT a sport. Any so-called sport that is decided by a panel of judges is not really a sport.

Ironically, Mr. C agrees with me on my first of 4 suggestions to improve figure skating, and maybe even turn it into an actual sport: All the skaters should wear identical outfits. It should not be a fashion show. Clearly the skaters think that they can win part of the crowd over with their outfits, which in turn might sway some of the judges. It shouldn't matter how sparkly or frilly you are dressed.

And I direct that last part specifically at all the gay male figure skaters I saw on the bar TV at karaoke the other night. Way to perpetuate stereotypes, boys! I believe that every 4 years, when this stuff comes on the telly, it sets gay rights back by about 4 years. I doubt it's winning over any of the religious, homophobic douchebags out there opposing same-sex marriage and gays in the military and/or boy scouts.

Plus, for the love of Sonia Heine, talk about a twink-fest! You're looking at more than a few cases of anorexia/bulimia out there. A lot of them probably weigh less than one of my legs! Which brings me to my next idea: different weight divisions, like they have in boxing. Just imagine a heavyweight figure skating division! Let's put a few 300-pounders like me out on the ice. Whoever falls down the fewest times wins.

Which also applies to my next idea, which would actually be the most practical and possible change that could be made to make it an actual sport: put all the skaters on the ice at once, have them just go in a circle around the rink, and have them all do the same moves at the same time, starting with the easiest ones and gradually increasing the level of difficulty. You miss one and fall, you're done. Last one skating wins.

Finally, my favorite idea: Each skater goes out and tries to execute his routine just as they do now, but with 2 new elements to raise the level of difficulty and keep things interesting. First, put a couple of hockey players out there with sticks trying to trip the skater or slam him into the boards. Second, have someone on each side of the rink sliding curling rocks across the ice. I don't know if that would make it a sport, but it would certainly be some highly entertaining shit.

"And now he's about to go for the triple lutz, and...OOH! He gets body-checked into the glass! He's down! And one of the curling rocks hits him in the head and knocks him unconscious! Well, there go his medal hopes. Bob."