MR. COLOREDWELL'S SPORTS FASHION REPORT

So I decided to do one report for the whole month of February, because I don't have that many notes this deep into the NBA/NHL seasons (and we won't even discuss what happened on the 6th). Besides, it's a short month, and any thought I had of making these things monthly was immediately erased by the impending March Madness. I cannot wait to delve into that. Anyhoo here's my few notes for the past month...

The New Orleans Hornets logo is a stroke of genius.



The Calgary Flames wore throwbacks in a home outdoor game, and they were quite stylish, albeit a bit Ronald McDonald-esque.



The NBA All-Star Game uniforms were fantastic! All other all-star game unis answer to these! Nice use of two-tones, shiny metallic trim, wonderful!


The Penguins in light blue? They look very good, but they don't make any sense. I have yet to see any actual penguins that color. Do they exist?



And I write this just after checking out a Red Wings telecast. I swear, every time they say the name Datsyuk it sounds to me like Duxoop. But the highlight just now was seeing a commercial, on Fox Sports Detroit, for The Goal Light! (You can do yourself and Steve Dahl a favor and get one at TheGoalLight.com)

And yes, I'm still working on the final college football uniform rankings (I suspect I'll post that right before Duxoop posts his rewrite of his recent misunderstood Facebook post). Bear with me.

NHL FASHION STANDINGS 2010-2011 AS OF FEB 28
TEAM W-L GAME-BY-GAME
Chicago Blackhawks 9-1 wwwwwwwwwl
Detroit Red Wings 51-11 wlwwwwwwwllwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlwwllwwwwlwwwwwwwlwwwwwwlwwwlwwlw
Boston Bruins 9-2 wwwlwwwwwwl
Philadelphia Flyers 7-2 wwwwwlwlw
New York Rangers 5-2 wwlwwwl
New York Islanders 2-1 wlw
Minnesota Wild 5-5 lwwlwlllww
Edmonton Oilers 1-1 lw
St Louis Blues 4-4 wlwllwwl
Carolina Hurricanes 1-1 wl
Florida Panthers 1-1 wl
Dallas Stars 3-4 lwllwwl
Calgary Flames 2-3 lwllw
New Jersey Devils 2-3 lwwll
Buffalo Sabres 3-5 llllwlww
Vancouver Canucks 1-2 wll
Montreal Canadiens 2-5 llwllwl
Columbus Blue Jackets 2-5 wllwlll
Pittsburgh Penguins 3-8 lllllllwlww
Tampa Bay Lightning 1-4 lwlll
Phoenix Coyotes 1-6 llllllw
San Jose Sharks 1-7 lllllwll
Washington Capitals 1-10 lllllwlllll
Atlanta Thrashers 0-1 l
Ottawa Senators 0-1 l
Anaheim Ducks 0-4 llll
Nashville Predators 0-5 lllll
Los Angeles Kings 0-6 llllll
Colorado Avalanche 0-7 lllllll
Toronto Maple Leafs 0-0

NBA FASHION STANDINGS 2010-2011 AS OF FEB 28
TEAM W-L GAME-BY-GAME
San Antonio Spurs 13-0 wwwwwwwwwwwww
New Jersey Nets 4-0 wwww
Utah Jazz 9-1 wwwwwlwwww
Boston Celtics 21-3 wwwlwwwwwlwwwlwwwwwwwwww
New York Knicks 10-2 wwwwlwwlwwww
Milwaukee Bucks 3-1 lwww
Los Angeles Lakers 13-5 wwwlwwwwwwwwllllww
Chicago Bulls 18-8 wlwwlwwlwlwwwlwwwwwwwwllwl
Philadelphia 76ers 2-1 lww
Golden State Warriors 6-3 wwwlwwllw
Phoenix Suns 9-6 llwwwwwwllwwllw
Denver Nuggets 9-7 wwwllwwwllwlwllw
Detroit Pistons 30-29 lllwwlwwwllwwllwwwlwwwwwwwwlwlllllllwwwlllwlwlwlllwlwwwlwll
Houston Rockets 3-3 lwllww
New Orleans Hornets 2-2 llww
Memphis Grizzlies 2-2 wlwl
Cleveland Cavaliers 2-2 wwll
Oklahoma City Thunder 6-8 lwwwllwwllllwl
Portland Trail Blazers 5-9 wllllwwllwlllw
Miami Heat 5-16 lwllwllllllllllwwwlll
Sacramento Kings 1-5 llwlll
Atlanta Hawks 1-6 llwllll
Orlando Magic 1-18 wllllllllllllllllll
Minnesota Timberwolves 0-2 ll
Indiana Pacers 0-3 lll
Toronto Raptors 0-3 lll
Charlotte Bobcats 0-4 llll
Washington Wizards 0-4 llll
Los Angeles Clippers 0-8 llllllll
Dallas Mavericks 0-14 llllllllllllll

MR. COLOREDWELL'S SPORTS FASHION REPORT

Okay, in light of Sunday's events, we're just going to ignore football for now. My final 2010 football uniform rankings will be posted once I can bring myself to deal with it all. This I can tell you, the W-L standings have been adjusted (AS IS MY WONT!) to reflect my newfound hatred of a certain snot-and-piss colored team. Can you say 0-20?

Anyhoo, we finally got an official look at the Indiana Pacers and Ottawa Senators in HD. (Maple Leafs, where are you?) The Pacers don't look as bad as they used to, but the Bulls beat them with block numbers. The Senators have nice colors, but non-block numbers and spooge were no match for the Red Wings. And the NHL All-Star Game unis had some nice two-tone color combos, but really bad numbers.

That's all for now, hopefully I will post again very soon, as events warrant. Until then, I need yet another good cry. And maybe some chocolates.

PS: The only, ONLY, good thing about last night was ALF's cameo appearance in that NFL Fans spot. Even though they had him wearing the wrong team. Panthers? Puh-leeze! Still, that shade of blue looks fabulous on him. Love you ALFer! XOXOXO


[Duxoop's note: And another thing, ALF's show ran from 1986 to 1990, and the Carolina Panthers began play in 1995. Hello?!]

NHL FASHION STANDINGS 2010-2011 AS OF FEB 6
TEAM W-L GAME-BY-GAME
Chicago Blackhawks 7-0 wwwwwww
Florida Panthers 1-0 w
Boston Bruins 7-1 wwwlwwww
Detroit Red Wings 43-8 wlwwwwwwwllwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwlwwllwwwwlwwwwwwwlwwww
New York Rangers 5-1 wwlwww
Philadelphia Flyers 7-2 wwwwwlwlw
New York Islanders 2-1 wlw
Edmonton Oilers 1-1 lw
New Jersey Devils 2-2 lwwl
St Louis Blues 4-4 wlwllwwl
Carolina Hurricanes 1-1 wl
Minnesota Wild 3-4 lwwlwll
Dallas Stars 2-3 lwllw
Tampa Bay Lightning 1-2 lwl
Vancouver Canucks 1-2 wll
Columbus Blue Jackets 2-5 wllwlll
Montreal Canadiens 1-3 llwl
Calgary Flames 1-3 lwll
San Jose Sharks 1-5 lllllw
Pittsburgh Penguins 1-7 lllllllw
Washington Capitals 1-7 lllllwll
Atlanta Thrashers 0-1 l
Ottawa Senators 0-1 l
Anaheim Ducks 0-4 llll
Buffalo Sabres 0-4 llll
Nashville Predators 0-4 llll
Los Angeles Kings 0-5 lllll
Phoenix Coyotes 0-6 llllll
Colorado Avalanche 0-7 lllllll
Toronto Maple Leafs 0-0

NBA FASHION STANDINGS 2010-2011 AS OF FEB 6
TEAM W-L GAME-BY-GAME
San Antonio Spurs 10-0 wwwwwwwwww
New Jersey Nets 4-0 wwww
Utah Jazz 7-1 wwwwwlww
Boston Celtics 18-3 wwwlwwwwwlwwwlwwwwwww
New York Knicks 8-2 wwwwlwwlww
Los Angeles Lakers 11-3 wwwlwwwwwwwwll
Chicago Bulls 17-5 wlwwlwwlwlwwwlwwwwwwww
Cleveland Cavaliers 2-1 wwl
Golden State Warriors 5-3 wwwlwwll
Denver Nuggets 7-5 wwwllwwwllwl
Phoenix Suns 8-5 llwwwwwwllwwl
Detroit Pistons 25-24 lllwwlwwwllwwllwwwlwwwwwwwwlwlllllllwwwlllwlwlwll
Milwaukee Bucks 1-1 lw
Philadelphia 76ers 1-1 lw
Memphis Grizzlies 2-2 wlwl
Oklahoma City Thunder 5-5 lwwwllwwll
Houston Rockets 2-3 lwllw
Portland Trail Blazers 4-7 wllllwwllwl
Miami Heat 4-13 lwllwllllllllllww
Atlanta Hawks 1-4 llwll
Sacramento Kings 1-5 llwlll
Orlando Magic 1-16 wllllllllllllllll
Indiana Pacers 0-1 l
Minnesota Timberwolves 0-2 ll
New Orleans Hornets 0-2 ll
Toronto Raptors 0-3 lll
Charlotte Bobcats 0-4 llll
Washington Wizards 0-4 llll
Los Angeles Clippers 0-7 lllllll
Dallas Mavericks 0-12 llllllllllll

WHAT MAKES FOOTBALL GREAT? SOCIALISM!



(Transcribed from Real Time With Bill Maher, 1/28/2011)

With the Super Bowl less than a week away, Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer ones, just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of Acorn volunteers.

Green Bay, Wisconsin has a population of 100,000, yet this sleepy little town on the banks of the Fuck-If-I-Know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the New York Jets, who, next year, need to just shut the fuck up and play.

Now, me personally, I haven't watched the Super Bowl since 2004, when Janet Jackson's nipple popped out during halftime and that split-second glimpse of an unrestrained black titty burned my eyes and "offended me as a Christian." But I get it; who doesn't love the spectacle of juiced-up millionaires giving each other brain damage on a giant flat-screen TV? So it's no surprise that some 100 million Americans will watch the Super Bowl this Sunday. That's 40 million more than go to church on Christmas. Suck on that, Jesus!

It's also 85 million more than watched the last game of the World Series, and in that is an economic lesson for America. Because football is built on an economic model of fairness and opportunity, and baseball is built on a model where the rich always win, and the poor usually have no chance. The World Series is like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: you have to be a rich bitch just to play. Whereas the Super Bowl is like Tila Tequila: anyone can get in.

Or, to put it another way, football is more like the Democratic philosophy. Democrats don't want to eliminate capitalism or competition, but they would like it if some kids didn't have to go to a crummy school in a rotten neighborhood while others get to go to a great school and their dad gets them into Harvard. Because when that happens, achieving the American Dream is easy for some and just a fantasy for others.

That's why the NFL, literally, shares the wealth. TV is their biggest source of revenue, and they put it all in a big Commie pot and split it 32 ways. Because they don't want anyone to fall too far behind. That's why the team that wins the Super Bowl picks last in the next draft. Or what the Republicans would call "punishing success."

Baseball, on the other hand, is exactly like the Republicans, and I don't just mean it's incredibly boring. I mean their economic theory is "Every man for himself." The small-market Pittsburgh Steelers go to the Super Bowl more than anybody, but the Pittsburgh Pirates? Levi Johnston has sperm that will not grow up and live long enough to see the Pirates in a World Series!

The Pirates' payroll is $40 million; the Yankees' is $206 million. The Pirates have about as much chance of getting to the playoffs as a poor black teenager from Newark has of becoming the CEO of Halliburton. That's why people stop going to Pirates games in May, because if you're not in the game, you become indifferent to the fate of the game, and maybe even get bitter.

That's what's happening to the middle class in America. It's also how Marie Antoinette lost her head.

So you kind of have to laugh that the same angry white males who hate Obama because he's redistributing wealth just love football, a sport that succeeds because it does just that. To them, the NFL is as American as hot dogs, Chevrolet, apple pie, and a second giant helping of apple pie.

But then again, they think they're macho because their sport is football. When, honestly, is there anything gayer than wearing another man's shirt?