"BUT WE'VE GOT TO HAVE AIDS BEFORE WE PEE IN HER EYE SOCKET!"

I STILL say the Woodland Critters deserve their own spinoff.

THE COOLEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER

MONNNAAARRRCHS INNN SPAAAAAAAACE!!!



For more info, pics and vids, click here:MONARCHS IN SPACE

GRENADES DON'T GROW HAIR EITHER

This is exactly why I don't play games like World Of Warfare. Because of the stupid ad of theirs I just saw, in which Mr. T seems to be taking credit for inventing the Mohawk haircut. Seriously???

Mr. T did NOT invent the Mohawk. If he did it would not be called the Mohawk, it would be called the Mr. T. Mr. T doesn't even LOOK like a Mohawk! Well, except for the Mohawk.

If this is how stupid the world has become, fuck it. Let me try something...I hereby claim credit for inventing male pattern baldness. Yep, I thought of that. Totally MY idea. From now on, let's all refer to male pattern baldness as the 'Doug'. (And if you play World of Wartime, you can call your hairless grenades 'Doug-nades'.)

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to go Doug my scrotum.

NWOPC PROTEST, NOVEMBER 12, 2009

I'm the one in short sleeves (I am a polar bear, after all).

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN LITERAL MUSIC VIDEOS

There are many other decent ones floating around out there (as well as many lame ones), but Dustin McLean and David Scott are not only the most prolific, but light years ahead of everyone else in terms of consistent LOL moments. These are my faves so far, in alphabetical order:

Head Over Heels--Dustin McLean
Some very good matching of parody lyrics with the lip-synching in places, except at the very end, where 'old guy' would have been a much better fit.


Loser--Dustin McLean
I think this one might actually be an improvement on the original song. It certainly makes more sense!

Loser: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

Love Is A Battlefield--David Scott
Easily one of the most preposterous videos ever, this one fittingly includes one of the most delightfully ridiculous LMV bits during the dance sequence. "Booby shake!"


One Week--David Scott
This one amazes me. There's just so much going on at such a fast pace, it is mind-boggling that everything could be made to fit the song so well. I love the exploding crotch.


Penny Lane--David Scott
As much as I hate to have to use that damn P-word, this one includes what is maybe the funniest moment in any LMV. You'll know it when you see it, it's totally 'random'.


Separate Ways--David Scott
"Steeeeeve...PERRY!"


Take On Me--Dustin McLean
The one that started it all, fittingly this was the first one I did at karaoke.


Total Eclipse Of The Heart--David Scott
This is the first one I saw, thanks to a tip from my karaoke comrade Rivers. One of the most definitive (and popular) LMVs.


Under The Bridge--Dustin McLean
This was going to be the first one I did at karaoke, but to my bumfuzzlement Doug & Micki don't have the video! How could that be?


White Wedding--Dustin McLean
"There is nothing safe in this room."


Honorable mention:
Video Killed The Radio Star--Phil Marriott
An entirely different definition of 'literal music video', this award-winner actually pre-dates all the others.

SOUNDALIKES

Heard the song "Falling Away From Me" by Korn on the radio today, and could not help thinking that (at least on this song) Jonathan Davis sounds a bit like Chris Griffin from "Family Guy".

DAILY SHOW, 11/5/2009

I've never seen Jon Stewart stay in character this long. Enjoy.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The 11/3 Project
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

HOW TO DO ORANGE RIGHT:



The Miami Dolphins are 3-0 in these unis. You'd think they'd wear them more often!

Our resident sports fashion critic, Mr. Coloredwell, discovered a weird sensory overload trick recently while watching a Tennessee Volunteers game: "The Vols also wear a nice juicy orange uniform, and I was swigging orange kool-aid while looking at those delicious jerseys. My eyes and my taste buds were sending totally harmonious signals to my brain. It was better than dropping orange sunshine acid! Fabulous! I plan to replay that orange Dolphins game while drinking Orange Crush soda. Just imagine what it must have been like to do that during a Broncos game in the 70s."

"The Monday night game just ended a while ago, and ohhhhh what I would give to be in the Dolphins locker room right now, sucking on one of those jerseys! Nummy nummy nummy!"

BTW the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are scheduled to wear their orange 'creamsicle' unis later this season. I hope Mr. C gets a room for that one.

I'M NOT DEAD

I've just been pining for the fjords. Anyway, Mr. Coloredwell insisted that I post something about the Broncos throwbacks.



I'm with Mr. Coloredwell on this, that's an awesome uni. [PS: I've got to get a pair of those socks! Alas, they're sold out for now.]

This of course sets up what might turn out to be the greatest throwback uniform matchup of all time, next Monday night, Denver at San Diego. Hawthorn Hawks lookalikes vs the good ol' powder blues. I cannot wait.

BTW, I'm adding Mr. Coloredwell's National Fashion League standings to the Pond, so's y'all can keep up.

C IS FOR [CENSORED]

Pay no attention to the video, it might ruin the joke for you. Just close your eyes, listen to the audio, and use your imagination.

RECAP OF MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND ROAD TRIP

Mind you, my birthday was 5 months ago, but judging by the lack of responses to the Andy Kaufman poll question, it seems hardly anyone is reading this blog these days anyway, so I figure I won't get any complaints about the tardiness of this recap.

The first leg was Toledo to South Bend to pick up my longtime pal Willie. Gave him a minor metrosexual makeover with a haircut and some new threads. I couldn't take him to the spy bar in Milwaukee with long gray hair and beard and overalls, looking like a homeless farmer. Went to a big & tall store in SB, found myself some nice new threads as well. Dark shirts with vertical stripes in my size. Hell yeah.

Next it was off to a traffic jam thru Chicago, then to the Red Dot for my second helping of poutine, which frankly wasn't quite as good as the first. Then to the spy-themed bar, the Safe House, in Milwaukee. Finally got to see the ejector seat in action, but had to wait an hour.

Then we checked out Milwaukee's karaoke scene. There doesn't seem to be much of one. Hit 2 very different bars, both stunk (Wisconsin isn't smoke-free yet) and both had hardly any decent singers. If they had been holding contests I would have won by a country mile. The first show was clearly a cheap startup operation run by amateurs, the second was clearly a legit pro operation. Amongst the dozen or so of my aces that I sang that night was "The Dance", which Willie associates with his late grandmother. I'm proud to say I nailed it so well that I made him cry.

Stayed at a motel outside of Milwaukee, then went to the Adler Planetarium in Chicago on Sunday. Paid $50 for the two of us to spend the afternoon checking out most of the featured shows, one of which was supposed to be in 3-D but was horribly out of sync. Complained to no avail. They could have at least given me a $10 refund. Fucking bastards. I will never go back. Wish we had gone to the Science & Industry Museum instead.

We were going to head home after that, but I just couldn't end my birthday on such a sour note. So I figured, since we were already in Chicago, why not head south and take care of some unfinished business from a few years ago?

Back in October 2002, I had to drive 7 hours to find clear, dark skies for the fantastic Leonid meteor storm. Wound up, oddly enough, near Toledo, Illinois. Afterwards I headed north to Chicago, but if I had gone about 60-90 minutes due west, I could have gone to Jack In The Box to see if their tacos were really similar to the BK tacos that came along that same year. I always regretted not doing that.

So here was my chance to right that wrong. It was a long drive through a stiff cross wind, but it was worth it. We arrived at the JITB in Litchfield at around 10pm CST, just in time for me to have JITB tacos for my birthday dinner. But I also had to try a few other things on the menu, because when am I going to get back to JITB again? So I fell way short of the 30 tacos needed to match the total from their "Stoner" ad.

There was only one thing to do: Get a motel room nearby, and go back for breakfast the next morning, combining our efforts to reach the magic number, which we did, and I brought back the 30 used paper sleeves as everlasting proof.

BTW, my final verdict: yes indeed, JITB tacos are almost exactly like the late great BK tacos. And they were worth the trip. But they're still not as good as El Tipico, so the results of the 2002 Taco War still stand. Although Del Taco is pretty damn good too. And cheap.

Spent most of Monday driving home, kept awake by gallons of McDonald's iced coffee and by my fear of wrecking my new wheels. The Bus performed magnificently throughout the entire trip, did everything I asked. He's such a good boy. Who's the Bus?!

On the other hand, my Magellan GPS unit, which I call Jelly for short, is a crazy bitch. She tried to kill me on the way home from South Bend. I asked her for the fastest route home avoiding toll roads, figuring she would send me along Route 20. Instead she kept sending me farther and farther north. Eventually I realized she was sending me to I-94 in Michigan!

About halfway to 94, I cancelled that route and instead asked for the shortest route home. She then sent me on a zigzag route through a maze of back roads in northeast Indiana. It was during this insane excursion in the middle of nowhere that my low fuel light came on! Fearing death at the hands of some insane backwoods redneck Hicksville Indiana rejected-extra-from-the-set-of-Deliverance farmer, I asked her for the nearest gas station. It was only 1.8 miles away to the east. Whew!

No, wait. That's 1.8 miles as the crow flies. In actual driving distance, it's about 6 miles west to the nearest I-80 entrance, then another 8 miles back east. I can only hope for a good time in the sack with the aforementioned psycho-farmer's daughter before he kills me.

Fortunately The Bus gets very good mileage and makes it the 6 miles west where I find a different but more expensive gas station where I get just enough to get to the cheaper one on I-80. From there I stay on the Turnpike and just barely manage to stay awake the rest of the way home.

X GAMES...ARE THEY X ENOUGH?

IMHO, not until they bring back street luge in the summer games, and especially not until they bring back super-modified shovel racing in the winter games.

SPOOKY

Went to Gino's Thursday night to have my late mom's favorite food, spaghetti, for dinner to honor her 73rd birthday. They give you a numbered sign when you order to put at your table so they know where to bring your food. The number I got: 73.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

STEVE DAHL PODCAST COMING SOON!

Our hero The Stever returns with a one-hour podcast every weekday starting September 8th!



For more info go to Dahl.com

Walter Cronkite spit in my food.

THE SCOTTISH STEVE DAHL OF LATE NIGHT TV

Craig Ferguson, for my money, is the best of the late night network TV talk shows these days.



He's the edgiest and most unpredictable of the current bunch, and he follows the traditional format as loosely as can be gotten away with.

Hey, who needs a monologue when you can lip-sync a funky dance song dressed like a cross between an Elvis impersonator and a 70s porn star, flanked by afro-topped dancers and cheap hand puppets?

IDIOTIC STAT DU JOUR

Those of you who follow the goings-on at Wimbledon know they have a new roof over Centre Court. Well, get a load of this: If you count up all the letters in the names of the players remaining in men's and women's singles draws as of today, the middle Sunday of the fortnight, the ten most common letters are A, D, E, I, L, N, O, R, S, and V, which can be rearranged to spell "RAIN SOLVED". Whoa.

I have way too much free time.

ED MCMAHON
1923-2009

The best sidekick Johnny, and ALF, could ever ask for. His laugh will echo through the ages.

Weird Al sang it best in his 1986 parody of El DeBarge's "Who's Johnny?":

There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line

"Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed McMahon's his name...all right

Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living

Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name

A very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name

TWO QUESTIONS:

Richard Petty standing in Victory Lane with a beer-sponsored car...isn't that one of the first signs of the apocalypse?

And if Richard's mom were still alive today, would she tell the press "Okay, you guys can call my son Dick again if you want"?

DO YOU NEED AN ENEMA?

Yep, that there is the title of my new parody song, based on Green Day's "Know Your Enemy". I premiered it this past Sunday at Claddagh's. I seem to have confused people with it. The response was rather...unsure. My karaoke komrade Bryan told me he thought it had too much stuff in it about asses and shit. Dude, what do you expect? It's a song about enemas!

I plan to perform it a few more times this week, come on out and see what you think of it. I should be at J.J.'s in Perrysburg on Thursday night, the Bier Stube on Friday night, and Buster Brown's in Maumee on Saturday night.

Or if you just want to read the lyrics and tell me if it rocks or sucks, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com