I'M CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION...

Specifically, a tropical depression. Yes, it saddens me to report that The Artist Formerly Known As Hurricane Douglas has been downgraded and is weakening. Son of a dog shit sandwich! I had to wait 37+ years for my own hurricane, now I suppose I gotta hang around until I'm 74 for the next one. Perhaps by then I'll be retired and living in Florida. And maybe, just maybe, I could be killed by my own hurricane. "Hey Doug, see that hurricane out there?" one of you will say, "It's got your name all over it! You're screwed! Been nice knowing ya."

Makes you think, doesn't it? How many guys named Andrew, for example, were done in by Hurricane Andrew? Well, I guess everyone would remember how you died. And how many babies born in Florida since then have been named Andrew? Any at all? I would think some parent would be defiant enough to do that. After all, I think they retire the names of all the really big killer hurricanes, sort of like jersey numbers. So all those new little Andys should be safe from that scenario.

Which brings me to the irrational fear that Degauss has about Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. He was in an accident there once, and is afraid it would happen again. But 'Gaussie, dude, think of the odds against you being in a second accident on LSD (the road, not the drug). If you were to be in another accident the next time you go to Chicago, odds are it will be on a different street. LSD will be the safest place for you! It's like the scene in "World According To Garp" where Garp and his wife are looking at a house to buy, and a plane crashes into the side of the house. So Garp says "We'll take it," for the perfectly logical reason that the odds of another plane hitting the house are astronomical. "It's been pre-disastered! We'll be safe here." Makes sense to me.