IN THIS INSTALLMENT OF THE DOVE POND:

1. AN ESSAY THAT GIVES ME HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
2. SUCK MY DECK
3. WE'RE HERE, WE'RE CANADIAN, GET USED TO IT, EH?
4. HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDAH...GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
5. BOB HOPE MUST DIE, AND APPARENTLY SO MUST A LOT OF UNKNOWN DOGFACES
6. WOULD YOU HIRE THIS MAN?

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1.
WHAT THE AMERICAN FLAG STANDS FOR
by Charlotte Aldebron

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2.
You want a deck of cards? I got your deck of cards RIGHT HERE!

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3.
IS THERE NO SHAME AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE.?

After ABC News reporter Jeffrey Kofman did a story from Iraq recently detailing low morale among the troops serving there, the Bush administration reportedly sought to discredit the man rather than refute the message. Apparently someone inside the White House went to cybergossip Matt Drudge and leaked that Kofman was gay. Then, in its effort to further spin the news and muzzle the media, the administration rummaged through Kofman's closet and revealed him to be . . . a Canadian.

Put yourself in Kofman's shoes. What if he hadn't come out yet as a Canadian to his family and friends? There it was, on the Internet for everyone to see. Imagine how difficult it will be now for him at family gatherings or in the office. Awkward silences, punctuated by the occasional, "Boy, that William Shatner is an underrated actor."

It is nothing short of immoral to add to the burden that Kofman must feel as he lives his life as a Canadian. He probably realized at a young age that he was Canadian when, to his horror, it sank in that he was more attracted to hockey than baseball.

Our society already makes it difficult for people to live as Canadians.

Our football fields aren't 110 yards long, and hardly any Americans appreciate Gordon Lightfoot. Adding to their shame are the openly Canadian celebrities who turn their backs on their lifestyle. Peter Jennings became the poster child for ex-Canadians when he earlier this month swore an oath and became an American, and Wayne Gretzky -- Wayne Gretzky -- actually went so far as to marry an American.

The plight of Canadians isn't helped by flamboyant Canadians. We've all seen them marching in their Dominion Day parades, wearing their outrageously flaming red Mountie outfits, waving their Maple Leaf flags and pledging allegiance to their "queen."

To use Kofman's Canadianness as a slur shows how ignorant and intolerant this administration is. We know much more about being Canadian than we did just 10 years ago. For instance, many sociologists now believe that people don't choose to be Canadian, they're born that way.

Instead of deriding Kofman as a Canadian, President Bush should embrace him as being an integral part of the diverse fabric that makes up America.

All people have worth and can contribute to the American dream, even if they're Canadian.

But having the Supreme Court legalize Canadian sex, that's a whole different matter.

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4.
Bring them on, my ass...BRING THEM HOME! Letter from a young soldier in Iraq

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5.
Bob Hope died, and the multimillionaire semi-funny right-wing golf-loving non-combatant gets Federal flags at half staff (Bush's actual decree).

Meanwhile... another sweet son of America dies, far before his 100th birthday, without experiencing accolades, television lights, or golf games with Presidents. All he did was go to Iraq and get killed in a Humvee...anonymously.

Think about this: I mean it... THINK about this.

Ponder this.

What does THIS say about America? How painfully revealing is this about the "cult of personality" that we've become? What does this fawning and gushing over the timely and wholly expected death of an obscenely wealthy and well-connected entertainer say about the character of our President?

Bush did not declare that flags should fly reverentially at half-staff for any of the 68 non-celebrity American soldiers who have died since he decided the war was "over" on May 1st.

No. The Texas cheerleader decreed, instead, that the flags at Federal institutions shall fly at half staff for... the century-old wealthy comedian. Un huh.

After all, who in the hell was that poor schmoe dead Marine? And who in the hell cares?

Michael J. Young
San Diego CA

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6.
WOULD YOU HIRE THIS MAN?

RESUME OF GEORGE W. BUSH