TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 31-NOV 6)

(Looks like it's Headliners' turn to dominate the list this week, with 6, count 'em, 6 entries, all playing tonight.)

10. Sworn Enemy--Fri at Headliners
9. Everyday Pain--Fri at Headliners
8. Ceiling--Sat at Game Time Sports
7. Avenged Sevenfold--Fri at Headliners
6. Frank, Zunk and Punk--Fri at Morris' Restaurant
5. Ninja And The Secret Rage--Sun at Music Suite
4. Western Waste--Fri at Headliners
3. Sick Of It All--Fri at Headliners
2. Bottoms Up--Fri & Sat at Firehouse 47 Bar And Grill

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and a fitting choice for Halloween)...

1. Dead Man's Hand--Fri at Headliners

A QUICK DIP IN THE DOVE POND

WHAT'S IN A NAME? USA-PATRIOT ACT UNVEILED

The Bill of Rights Defense Committee lists the winning entries from a contest where the acronym 'USA-PATRIOT' had to expose the true purposes of the Act:

1st Place: Useless State-sponsored Action Purporting to Attack Terror While Really Initiating an Oligarchic Takeover

2nd Place: Unseemly and Simplistic Attempt to Preclude Americans' Treasured Rights by Inapt Obsession with Terrorism

3rd Place: Unilaterally Subverting America by Punishing Activists and Torturing and Repressing Immigrants by Oppression and Tyranny

MARCONI MADNESS!

It was the greatest tournament I failed to tell you about here in The Pond until it was all over.

In the wake of the demise of the annual GeakSweeps, a new radio tournament was formulated about a month ago that would be squeezed in on October weekends just before the start of the new ALF Cup season. It took the form of a March Madness-style tournament, hence the moniker "Marconi Madness".

A total of 83 AM and FM stations qualified to take part, and after a preliminary round, a bracket of 64 squared off in the first radio-only competition since before TV stations were admitted into the previously all-radio GeakSweeps. It was a bit of a chore to begin with, and downright boring at times. Little did I know of the exciting finish that was in store.

Each matchup in each round was determined by a random draw. Once things got underway, the AMs, as expected, got pretty much slaughtered by the FMs. Signal strength was often an issue, even more than format. There were some mild upsets, but ultimately the final four was comprised of the four tournament favorites, WXKR, WJZE, WIOT, and WRWK.

The final matchup came as no surprise, a meeting between WIOT and WRWK, the two stations I happen to listen to the most while at work (no other good stations come in good there). A classic Clear Channel vs Cumulus grudge match.

RWK came in as the tourney favorite, but on the morning of the finals, it just so happened that our good pal Shaggy, head honcho of the Duck Pond affiliate Shagout, was at the helm for IOT. And in a thrilling, nail-biting, knock-down drag-out double overtime epic, it was the Shagster (named MVDJ) and the IOT Coyote pulling off the upset and emerging as the champs of the first ever Marconi Madness. Congrats guys!

Below are the full tournament results.

2003 MARCONI MADNESS
PRELIMINARY ROUND
FM 89.3 WYSZ Toledo OH def. AM 1080 KRLD Dallas TX
FM 99.9 WKKO Toledo OH def. AM 760 WJR Detroit MI
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. AM 1620 WDND South Bend IN
AM 800 CKLW Windsor ON def. FM 89.9 CBE Windsor ON
AM 1470 WLQR Toledo OH def. AM 840 WHAS Louisville KY
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 97.9 WJLB Detroit MI
FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI def. FM 105.5 WWWM Toledo OH
AM 700 WLW Cincinnati OH def. AM 1020 KDKA Pittsburgh PA
AM 1170 WWVA Wheeling WV def. AM 890 WLS Chicago IL
FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI def. FM 107.3 WJUC Toledo OH
FM 90.3 WOTL Toledo OH def. AM 1010 CFRB Toronto ON
AM 1370 WSPD Toledo OH def. FM 99.5 WYCD Detroit MI
FM 91.7 WUOM Ann Arbor MI def. AM 950 WWJ Detroit MI
FM 100.5 WKXA Findlay OH def. FM 93.1 WDRQ Detroit MI
AM 900 WFRO Fremont OH def. AM 980 WONE Dayton OH
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 1640 WKSH Milwaukee WI
AM 1120 KMOX St Louis MO def. AM 1540 KXEL Waterloo IA
FM 88.3 WXUT Toledo OH def. AM 830 WCCO Minneapolis MN
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. AM 1050 CHUM Toronto ON

FIRST ROUND
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. AM 1370 WSPD Toledo OH
FM 88.1 WBGU Bowling Green OH def. AM 1530 WSAI Cincinnati OH
FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH def. AM 810 WGY Schenectady NY
AM 1060 KYW Philadelphia PA def. FM 100.5 WKXA Findlay OH
FM 91.3 WGTE Toledo OH def. AM 1120 KMOX St Louis MO
AM 670 WSCR Chicago IL def. FM 88.7 CIMX Windsor ON
AM 1630 KCJJ Iowa City IA def. AM 1650 KCNZ Cedar Falls IA
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 1170 WWVA Wheeling WV
FM 96.9 WXQQ Toledo OH def. AM 1070 WIBC Indianapolis IN
FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI def. AM 610 WTVN Columbus OH
AM 710 WOR New York NY def. FM 95.5 WKQI Detroit MI
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. FM 99.9 WKKO Toledo OH
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 1200 WOAI San Antonio TX
AM 720 WGN Chicago IL def. AM 550 WKRC Cincinnati OH
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. FM 91.7 WUOM Ann Arbor MI
FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI def. AM 1510 WLAC Nashville TN
AM 660 WFAN New York NY def. AM 1100 WTAM Cleveland OH
FM 95.7 WIMX Toledo OH def. AM 740 CBL Toronto ON
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. AM 800 CKLW Windsor ON
FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH def. AM 900 WFRO Fremont OH
AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL def. AM 700 WLW Cincinnati OH
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. AM 870 WWL New Orleans LA
AM 780 WBBM Chicago IL def. FM 99.1 WFRO Fremont OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 88.3 WXUT Toledo OH
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. AM 580 CKWW Windsor ON
AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY def. FM 89.3 WYSZ Toledo OH
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 93.5 WRQN Toledo OH
AM 1030 WBZ Boston MA def. AM 1470 WLQR Toledo OH
AM 650 WSM Nashville TN def. FM 102.9 WWWW Ann Arbor MI
FM 96.3 WDVD Detroit MI def. FM 90.3 WOTL Toledo OH
AM 1040 WHO Des Moines IA def. FM 101.9 WDET Detroit MI
FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI def. AM 1690 WRLL Chicago IL

SECOND ROUND
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. AM 780 WBBM Chicago IL
FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI def. FM 88.1 WBGU Bowling Green OH
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. FM 91.3 WGTE Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. AM 720 WGN Chicago IL
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. AM 1630 KCJJ Iowa City IA
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 660 WFAN New York NY
AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY def. AM 1040 WHO Des Moines IA
FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH def. AM 710 WOR New York NY
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 96.9 WXQQ Toledo OH
FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH def. AM 1030 WBZ Boston MA
AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL def. AM 670 WSCR Chicago IL
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. AM 1060 KYW Philadelphia PA
AM 650 WSM Nashville TN def. FM 96.3 WDVD Detroit MI
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. FM 95.7 WIMX Toledo OH

THIRD ROUND
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 650 WSM Nashville TN
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH

QUARTERFINALS
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH

SEMIFINALS
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH

FINAL
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH

2003 MARCONI MADNESS CHAMPION:
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 24-30)

(Cornering the market on interesting band names this week are Headliners and Howards Club H, with a combined 7 entries.)

10. New Toys--Fri at Frog City
9. Thunderbirds Are Now--Sat at Howards Club H
8. Neutrality Clause--Sat at Headliners
7. Red Wanting Blue--Fri at Howards Club H
6. Audible Thread--Sat at Headliners
5. Breath Of Water--Sat at Headliners
4. The Planet The--Sat at Howards Club H
3. Ooba Tooba--Sat at Easy Street Cafe
2. Infinite Number Of Sounds--Wed at Howards Club H

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and it's 2 weeks in a row at #1 for The Scene)...

1. Feable Weiner--Fri at The Scene

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 17-23)

(The Scene seems to have cornered the market on interesting band names this week. They placed four bands on this week's list, including the top three!)

10. Good Stuff Maynard--Sat at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
9. Tar Beach--Sat at Village Idiot
8. The Drapes--Wed at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Brand New Disaster--Sat at The Scene
6. Bar Code--Fri & Sat at Juwells Sports Bar
5. The Menus--Fri at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
4. Say What?--Fri & Sat at Michigan Tavern
3. MonkeyNut--Fri at The Scene
2. Them One Guys--Sat at The Scene

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and timely since it's similar to Cubs vs. Marlins)...

1. Bear vs. Shark--Wed at The Scene

A DYING CUB FAN'S LAST REQUEST
by Steve Goodman (1983)

By the shores of old Lake Michigan
Where the "hawk wind" blows so cold
An old Cub fan lay dying
In his midnight hour that tolled
'Round his bed, his friends had all gathered
They knew his time was short
And on his head they put this bright blue cap
From his all-time favorite sport
He told them, "It's late and it's getting dark in here"
And I know its time to go
But before I leave the line-up
Boys, there's just one thing I'd like to know

Do they still play the blues in Chicago
When baseball season rolls around
When the snow melts away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their ivy covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring fatigue
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the National League

He told his friends "You know the law of averages says:
Anything will happen that can."
That's what it says.
But the last time the Cubs won a National League pennant
Was the year we dropped the bomb on Japan
The Cubs made me a criminal
Sent me down a wayward path
They stole my youth from me
(that's the truth)
I'd forsake my teachers
To go sit in the bleachers
In flagrant truancy

And then one thing led to another
and soon I'd discovered alcohol, gambling, dope
football, hockey, lacrosse, tennis
But what do you expect,
When you raise up a young boys hopes
And then just crush 'em like so many paper beer cups
Year after year after year
after year, after year, after year, after year, after year
'Til those hopes are just so much popcorn
for the pigeons beneath the 'L' tracks to eat

He said "You know I'll never see Wrigley Field, anymore
before my eternal rest
So if you have your pencils and your score cards ready,
I'll read you my last request
He said, "Give me a double header funeral in Wrigley Field
On some sunny weekend day (no lights)
Have the organ play the National Anthem
and then a little "na, na, na, na, hey hey, hey, Goodbye"
Make six bullpen pitchers carry my coffin
and six ground keepers clear my path
Have the umpires bark me out at every base
In all their holy wrath
It's a beautiful day for a funeral, Hey Ernie let's play two!
Somebody go get Jack Brickhouse to come back,
and conduct just one more interview
Have the Cubbies run right out into the middle of the field,
Have Keith Moreland drop a routine fly
Give everybody two bags of peanuts and a frosty malt
And I'll be ready to die

Build a big fire on home plate out of your Louisville Sluggers baseball bats,
And toss my coffin in
Let my ashes blow in a beautiful snow
From the prevailing 30 mile an hour southwest wind
When my last remains go flying over the left field wall
Will bid the bleacher bums adieu
And I will come to my final resting place, out on Waveland Avenue

The dying man's friends told him to cut it out
They said "Stop it, that's an awful shame"
He whispered, "Don't cry, we'll meet by and by near the Heavenly Hall of Fame
He said, "I've got season's tickets to watch the Angels now,
So that's just what I'm going to do
He said, "But you the living, you're stuck here with the Cubs,
So its me that feels sorry for you!"

And he said, "Ahh, play that lonesome losers tune,
That's the one I like the best"
And he closed his eyes, and slipped away
What we got is the Dying Cub Fan's Last Request
And here it is

Do they still play the blues in Chicago
When baseball season rolls around
When the snow melts away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their ivy covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring fatigue
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the National League

"AND OVER HERE WE SEE THE STARS THAT MAKE UP THE CONSTELLATION PENIS MAJOR..."

So I'm out walking last night under a clear starry sky, looking up at good old Orion the Hunter, with his belt and his sword (Yeah right, that's his "sword". Who are we kidding, people? Really.), and the thought occurs to me that if the constellations had been named by a different culture, Orion might have been a lesbian wearing a strap-on dildo.

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 10-16)

10. Uncle Sandwitch--Fri & Sat at Prime Time South
9. Metaphysical Jones--Thu at Village Idiot
8. Bonkers--Fri & Sat at Break Room Lounge
7. The Wow Factor--Fri & Sat at Lighthouse
6. Fall Out Boy--Mon at Headliners
5. Chili Cat--Sat at Frog City
4. Clumsy Lovers--Mon at Mickey Finn's Pub
3. Shucking Bubba Deluxe--Sat at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
2. A Gruesome Find--Sun at Howards Club H

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Big Al's Used Cars--Fri & Sat at Augie's

[CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP] DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXT MESSAGES

The following is a recent TM exchange between meself and Paulie, AKA Pablo, AKA Idiot Boy, AKA Spanky Pants, AKA Cheese Nipples, AKA Steak Nuts, AKA Bunsy Wunsy Monchichi. Enjoy.

D: "U make me cum"
D: "U make me complete"
D: "U make me completely miserable"
D: "Whos that by, I gota Napster it"
P: "Lit"
D: "Lit? So theyd fit in ur string of band names, betwn Lickety Split n Little Richie"
P: "::Loads a round in the chamber and prepares to cock the shotgun::"
P: "I love when I use predictive text and I type the word 'cock' it cycles me thru the word 'anal' first"
D: "So ur sayin you had 2 run ur cock thru the anal cycle?"
D: "BTW just in case I evr hav 2 get a nu fone #, remind me 2 get a 2625 #"
D: "Im callin dibs on 2625"
D: "That way I'll hav, like, 514-COCK and 514-ANAL with the same #"
P: "Will do"
D: "Then when sum1 wants my # I can say 'wud u prefer my cock # or my anal #?'"
P: "A perfect bisexual's phone number"
D: "Ya, n Im a perfect bisexual!"

And remember, I've called dibs on it, so you, reading this, don't you dare steal it! I'll hunt you down, fucker.

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT. 3-9)

10. Stop, Drop and Roll--Sat at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
9. The Recipe--Tue at Headliners
8. Pal Joey and the Sicilian Playboys--Sat at Trotters Tavern
7. Glinda's Bubble--Sat at Mickey Finn's Pub
6. The Knobs--Fri & Sat at Rooster Inn
5. Chester the Pup--Fri at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
4. Herkimer Shagnasty--Fri & Sat at Prime Time North
3. Bunny Hug--Fri at Mickey Finn's Pub
2. Fetish Doll--Sat at Headliners

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Mustard Plug--Sat at The Scene