ATTENTION, TINKY-WINKY: YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME ARE NOW OFFICIALLY OVER. PLEASE CLEAR OUT YOUR WORKSTATION AND TURN IN YOUR SWIPE CARD AT THE SECURITY DESK.

Think of it as Teletubbies: The Next Generation.

Boohbah! has arrived on the PBS airwaves. And with that, the 'Tubbies days of cultural significance have been shortened tenfold. They now seem rather quaint in comparison to their tricked-out successors.

For starters, in a street fight, the Boohbahs have the Tubbies outnumbered 5-4. And they seem to have a weight advantage. Most importantly, whereas the Tubbies have TV sets in their stomachs, the Boohbahs have the ability to fly. And the best part: They seem to be propelled by...yes, you guessed it, FLATULENCE!

I'm sure you all have the 'Tubbies memorized by now, so allow me to bring you up to speed on the Boohbahs. Pay attention, there WILL be a short quiz later.

Yellow--Humbah
Blue--Jumbah
Purple--Zumbah
Pink--Jingbah
Orange (my personal fave)--Zing Zing Zingbah

Now, if you count the pink one as representing red, all that's missing for a complete rainbow color set is a green one. (Maybe they'll add that one next season. They could name it "Goombah"!) Which brings us to the inevitable rumors, and in order to save time, and since someone has to start them, I might as well take the initiative:

The Boohbahs are gay.

Not just one. All five of them. I can't say for sure any of them have dated Tinky-Winky, but there. I've said it and I feel better for having said it. How else do you explain the frequent rainbow motifs throughout the show? Plus, they like to dance. A lot. And they're damn good at it (at least in the eyes of the target audience, ages 3-6, I would imagine). Hey, it's simple math: Rainbows + dancing = Butt pirates. And I hope I'm not out of line, but I would also postulate that their frequent flatulence may be the result of flaccid bowel muscles, brought on by...well, like I gotta draw you a map, folks.

Now, for those I haven't yet offended, let me take things a step further:

The Boohbahs are also Satan worshippers.

See, they do this thing a few times during the show where they hover in the air and join hands and form what sort of resembles a pentagram. Satanic ass rammers, weekdays at 10am on your local PBS station! Tune in, won't you?

[2010 P.S.: Satanic Ass Rammers. Now there's a band name!]

Okay, okay. I'm just pulling your socks. But I wouldn't be one bit surprised to hear Pat Robertson or another of his ilk alleging the same kinds of shit in the not-too-distant future.

But while I'm at it, perhaps I should backtrack just a bit. In nearly two weeks of watching, I can't really tell which Boohbahs are male and which are female. Maybe they're hermaphrodites? Asexual? Well, they all interact with each other at various times, so if they are of specific genders, I suppose they could be bi.

So, there you have it. The Boohbahs are chubby flatulent bisexual Satan worshippers. (And yes, I can hear you right now saying "Well Duck, it takes one to know one!" Ha ha. Very funny. Now shut the fuck up, smartass, and read on.)

There are other segments in the show that are Boohbah-less, but they are almost not worth even mentioning. But I will anyway.

The opening credits are, as with most shows for viewers 3-6, deeply disturbing, deeply annoying and deeply repetitive. The theme song goes something like this: "Booh-bah, booh-bah, booh-bah, booh...booh-bah, booh-bah, booh-bah, booh..." Even those who prefer to get stoned prior to viewing shows like this and the 'Tubbies will have their patience taxed. But if you can get past all of this and drop acid just in time for the psychedelic spinning color show shortly thereafter, it's worth the price of admission.

After the opening dance routine, a group of kids appears, and there's lots of "shush"-ing. Then they carry...something...on my first viewing it looked as though they were laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Boohbah (perhaps Goombah, the missing green one?). But it turns out it's "a present for the Storypeople!" Actually, it's uh, kind of a link.

The "Storypeople" (aka the "Stupidpeople", as I prefer to call them) persist in inane activities only amusing to preschoolers, such as hopping around in giant pairs of socks or running back and forth between curtained windows suspended in midair. It's sort of like a Benny Hill bit, only twice as retarded.

There's Grandmamma (aka Hideously Ugly Old Broad), Grandpappa (aka Fake Old Guy In Cheap Makeup), Mrs. Lady (aka Insert Your Own Jerry Lewis Imitation Here), Mr. Man (aka Insert Your Own Kathy Bates In The Movie "Misery" Imitation Here), Brother & Sister, who are together at all times (aka Don't Ask, I Think They're From The South), an aunt whose name I can't discern (but it sounds sort of like Aunt Titty, so I'll go with that), and last but not least, Little Dog Fido (Oh, shut up, I was cleared of those charges!).

According to the credits, the "Storypeople" narrator is Chris Langham. If this is the same Chris Langham who is known for his stand-up act featuring bottle rockets up his ass, how sad that this is where he is now. Listening to his narration, he sounds incredibly bored and about to nip off and shoot himself. He always ends the segment with "Goodbye." Sometimes I fear he means it. Poor guy.

After a second Boohbah dance segment comes the most torturous portion of the show, "Look What I Can Do", in which kids in the target age demographic do various pointless physical activities such as hopping around on one leg, touching their knees to their elbows, etc., for roughly 2 long, agonizing minutes that seem more like 20.

About 30 seconds in you'll likely find yourself yelling at the screen "Okay, you can do cartwheels, we get the fucking point already! Stop it! ENOUGH! MY LACK OF GOD MAKE IT STOP! I WANT TO GOUGE MY EYEBALLS OUT!" And there are usually 3 or 4 of these bits in a row. It's a challenge to resist your suicidal urges at this point, but it can be done. I advise a bathroom or snack break during this portion of the show. That or double-down on your drug of choice.

Then there's sort of a Boohbah encore with a few brief dance routines, all very simple, and all throughout the show meant to get the target audience to imitate the movements they see. This is never outright solicited, but odds are there are few kids that age who can resist copying the Boohbahs or the annoying "Look What I Can Do" kids. The potential for evil here is obvious, but the Boohbahs seem harmless enough.

But I guarantee that across the studio lot, the Teletubbies are quaking in their fuzzy little boots.

Meet the Boohbahs...same as the old boss.