UPDATE TO PREVIOUS POST
Based on their uniforms, I am changing the Croatian Ists to the CROATIA CAT CHOW (which works better than the Croatia Ralston-Purinas).
Thursday, June 15, 2006
GOOOOOOOOLLL!
It's World Cup time again, which means it's also time to come up with Chris Berman-type nicknames for all the participating teams, with a generous helping of Duck Pond-type comic sensibility stirred in, natch.
Some of them took a bit of massaging, some were locked-in perfect from the get-go, and some we're still not 100% happy with, but for now we're going with our best efforts so far. In alphabetical order, let's run through them, shall we?
ANGOLA SWEATERS
A tough one, we went with the angora sweater reference. Perhaps a nod to Meryn Cadell?
ARGENTINA TURNERS
My fave team for years, I like to think there's another half-obvious one I'm missing, but the Tina Turner ref is just goofy enough to work.
AUSTRALIAN CRAWL
Swimming ref. This one may yet be changed. Other possibles: Aussie Rulers (ref to Footy), Aussie Osbournes, Australia Crocodile Hunters (Crikey!).
BRAZIL NUTS
Have yet to hear a better one.
COSTA RICA SUAVES
Gerardo ref. Not the best name, but passable.
CROATIAN ISTS
Get it? Instead of creationists? Yeah, I know, it sucks. Can you do better?
CZECH BOUNCERS
Czech, please. Czechmate!
ECUADOR KNOBS
As some of you know, I have a history of bad relations with Ecuador. As in, I blew the whole country clear off the map back in 1994. (The details of which I will someday get around to posting online along with all the other highlights from the late, great AG! The Geak Newsletter.) I almost went with the Ecuador Lorenas, but I just now changed it to the obvi Norbert ref. "Wayne Newton's a doorknob!"
ENGLISH MUFFINS
Sort of counters the whole hooliganism thing. Plus it's the most obvi.
FRENCH CONNECTION
Beat out the more obvi French Toast and French Fries, and the less obvi French Mistake (Blazing Saddles ref).
GERMAN SHEPHERDS
Most obvi. Runners-up: German Rye and German Chocolate Cake, but I'm doing my best to avoid too many food refs.
GHANA RRHEA
Has to be the edgiest. Co-worker Jane says to me "I don't get this one. Ghana Rrhea?" At which point she got it. "See?" I said. "Once you say it out loud you get it." Jane: "I hope not!"
IRAN FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
Hey, if you don't know your 80's music, I can't help you.
ITALIAN RESTAURANT
Lots of ways I could have gone here. Seasoning, Dressing, Sausage (though I could have also gone with the Polish Sausage, but I didn't want to have 2 teams with the same nickname like the CFL used to). In the end I went with what is not so much a food ref as a music ref. Call it an "ode to Billy Joel."
IVORY COAST BAR SOAPS
The IC is currently undergoing a civil war, and I imagine it's over which brand of bar soap to name it after! Ivory Coast: the only country named after 2 brands of bar soap. Hence the nickname. Enjoy!
JAPANSY DIVISION
A nod to my pals PD. But I almost went with the Violence Jack Offs, a ref to a classic Engrish.com pic of a clothing store of the same name.
MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS
Lots of possibles here. Mexican Standoff (would only work if they tied every game), Mexican Pizzas, Mexican Hat Dancers. But none could beat the JBs.
DUTCH ELM DISEASE
The Netherlands is always a fave of mine. I almost went with the way-too-obvi Dutch Boys (doubles as a "Shield" ref), or maybe the Dutch Treat. But co-worker Jane suggested the most wonderfully ridiculous nickname in the whole slate!
PARAGUAY MIDDLE
Eric Idle once hosted SNL back in the 70s, and played one of the Killer Bees (a la Belushi) in a sketch. When called out for his English accent, he tried to pass himself off as South American. "So you're from South America? What country?" "Paraguay." "Where in Paraguay?" "The middle." It sticks in my head to this day, hence the name.
POLISH JOKES
What else? And judging by the fact that they've been knocked out after just 2 games, they obvi ARE a joke.
PORTUGUESE CATHOUSE
At the mo I can't place where I heard the above phrase, but it beats any lame play on the words 'port' or 'porch'. The official team nickname translates to "the Shields". I like that.
SAUDI ARABIA HIJACKERS
A bit more specific than my first choice, the Terrorists. And Knights is too obvi.
SERBIAN BASTARDS
Kids In The Hall ref. "Get out of my cab, you Serbian bastard!" Officially it's Serbia & Montenegro...S&M! So could have gone with the Sado-Masochists. Of course, being in the same group as Argentina and Netherlands, they better be masochists!
SOUTH KOREA MASHERS
M*A*S*H ref. Duh. Kinda lame, but it's the best any of us can think of. Again, can you do better??
SPANISH INQUIZITION
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquizition! Note the Z, a ref to the late, great Game Show Network staple spelled the same way. Runners-up: Spanish Fly, Spanish Peanuts, and Spanish Harlem (Globetrotters?).
SWEDISH MEATBALLS
Probably the most obvi of all. Runners-up: Swedish Massage, Swedish Erotica.
SWISS ARMY KNIVES
Was gonna go with the Swiss Cheese, but the Noelomite suggested better, and helped me avoid yet another food ref. Other runner-up: Swiss Bank Accounts.
TOGO PARTY
Best I could come up with was Sandwiches (after the Togo's chain) or Togo Sticks. The Stever came to the rescue with an Aminal House ref. Togo! Togo! Togo!
TRINIDAD TOBOGGANS
One of the ESPN announcers called the people of T&T that, so I went with it. Kinda lame though. Third time's a charm: Can you do better???
TUNISIAN CAMEL JOCKEYS
Now, now. It's not like that. As much as I hate to admit it, it's actually a Happy Days ref. I'm so ashamed.
UKRAINIAN GYPSY PUNKS
As if I'd go with any other name! Unfortunately, they don't wear purple. :(
And finally...last, and least...the U.S.A. (Usually Soccer Also-rans). Thanks to Green Day for the most accurate nickname of all:
AMERICAN IDIOTS
It's World Cup time again, which means it's also time to come up with Chris Berman-type nicknames for all the participating teams, with a generous helping of Duck Pond-type comic sensibility stirred in, natch.
Some of them took a bit of massaging, some were locked-in perfect from the get-go, and some we're still not 100% happy with, but for now we're going with our best efforts so far. In alphabetical order, let's run through them, shall we?
ANGOLA SWEATERS
A tough one, we went with the angora sweater reference. Perhaps a nod to Meryn Cadell?
ARGENTINA TURNERS
My fave team for years, I like to think there's another half-obvious one I'm missing, but the Tina Turner ref is just goofy enough to work.
AUSTRALIAN CRAWL
Swimming ref. This one may yet be changed. Other possibles: Aussie Rulers (ref to Footy), Aussie Osbournes, Australia Crocodile Hunters (Crikey!).
BRAZIL NUTS
Have yet to hear a better one.
COSTA RICA SUAVES
Gerardo ref. Not the best name, but passable.
CROATIAN ISTS
Get it? Instead of creationists? Yeah, I know, it sucks. Can you do better?
CZECH BOUNCERS
Czech, please. Czechmate!
ECUADOR KNOBS
As some of you know, I have a history of bad relations with Ecuador. As in, I blew the whole country clear off the map back in 1994. (The details of which I will someday get around to posting online along with all the other highlights from the late, great AG! The Geak Newsletter.) I almost went with the Ecuador Lorenas, but I just now changed it to the obvi Norbert ref. "Wayne Newton's a doorknob!"
ENGLISH MUFFINS
Sort of counters the whole hooliganism thing. Plus it's the most obvi.
FRENCH CONNECTION
Beat out the more obvi French Toast and French Fries, and the less obvi French Mistake (Blazing Saddles ref).
GERMAN SHEPHERDS
Most obvi. Runners-up: German Rye and German Chocolate Cake, but I'm doing my best to avoid too many food refs.
GHANA RRHEA
Has to be the edgiest. Co-worker Jane says to me "I don't get this one. Ghana Rrhea?" At which point she got it. "See?" I said. "Once you say it out loud you get it." Jane: "I hope not!"
IRAN FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
Hey, if you don't know your 80's music, I can't help you.
ITALIAN RESTAURANT
Lots of ways I could have gone here. Seasoning, Dressing, Sausage (though I could have also gone with the Polish Sausage, but I didn't want to have 2 teams with the same nickname like the CFL used to). In the end I went with what is not so much a food ref as a music ref. Call it an "ode to Billy Joel."
IVORY COAST BAR SOAPS
The IC is currently undergoing a civil war, and I imagine it's over which brand of bar soap to name it after! Ivory Coast: the only country named after 2 brands of bar soap. Hence the nickname. Enjoy!
JAPANSY DIVISION
A nod to my pals PD. But I almost went with the Violence Jack Offs, a ref to a classic Engrish.com pic of a clothing store of the same name.
MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS
Lots of possibles here. Mexican Standoff (would only work if they tied every game), Mexican Pizzas, Mexican Hat Dancers. But none could beat the JBs.
DUTCH ELM DISEASE
The Netherlands is always a fave of mine. I almost went with the way-too-obvi Dutch Boys (doubles as a "Shield" ref), or maybe the Dutch Treat. But co-worker Jane suggested the most wonderfully ridiculous nickname in the whole slate!
PARAGUAY MIDDLE
Eric Idle once hosted SNL back in the 70s, and played one of the Killer Bees (a la Belushi) in a sketch. When called out for his English accent, he tried to pass himself off as South American. "So you're from South America? What country?" "Paraguay." "Where in Paraguay?" "The middle." It sticks in my head to this day, hence the name.
POLISH JOKES
What else? And judging by the fact that they've been knocked out after just 2 games, they obvi ARE a joke.
PORTUGUESE CATHOUSE
At the mo I can't place where I heard the above phrase, but it beats any lame play on the words 'port' or 'porch'. The official team nickname translates to "the Shields". I like that.
SAUDI ARABIA HIJACKERS
A bit more specific than my first choice, the Terrorists. And Knights is too obvi.
SERBIAN BASTARDS
Kids In The Hall ref. "Get out of my cab, you Serbian bastard!" Officially it's Serbia & Montenegro...S&M! So could have gone with the Sado-Masochists. Of course, being in the same group as Argentina and Netherlands, they better be masochists!
SOUTH KOREA MASHERS
M*A*S*H ref. Duh. Kinda lame, but it's the best any of us can think of. Again, can you do better??
SPANISH INQUIZITION
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquizition! Note the Z, a ref to the late, great Game Show Network staple spelled the same way. Runners-up: Spanish Fly, Spanish Peanuts, and Spanish Harlem (Globetrotters?).
SWEDISH MEATBALLS
Probably the most obvi of all. Runners-up: Swedish Massage, Swedish Erotica.
SWISS ARMY KNIVES
Was gonna go with the Swiss Cheese, but the Noelomite suggested better, and helped me avoid yet another food ref. Other runner-up: Swiss Bank Accounts.
TOGO PARTY
Best I could come up with was Sandwiches (after the Togo's chain) or Togo Sticks. The Stever came to the rescue with an Aminal House ref. Togo! Togo! Togo!
TRINIDAD TOBOGGANS
One of the ESPN announcers called the people of T&T that, so I went with it. Kinda lame though. Third time's a charm: Can you do better???
TUNISIAN CAMEL JOCKEYS
Now, now. It's not like that. As much as I hate to admit it, it's actually a Happy Days ref. I'm so ashamed.
UKRAINIAN GYPSY PUNKS
As if I'd go with any other name! Unfortunately, they don't wear purple. :(
And finally...last, and least...the U.S.A. (Usually Soccer Also-rans). Thanks to Green Day for the most accurate nickname of all:
AMERICAN IDIOTS
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
DO YOU KNOW THE PROZAC-SPRINKLED ELECTRIC MUFFIN MAN?
So a couple of weeks ago, on my way to work, I see this photo in the paper...
It ran with an article about the Everyone's Art Car Parade in Houston, and not only does it have to be the funniest pic of the year, the article included the phrase "Prozac-sprinkled Electric Muffins", which struck me as potentially one hell of a great band name! (You'll notice the second muffin from the left is, in fact, Prozac-sprinkled. I'm partial to the one with the Hostess Cupcake squiggle myself.)
I TMed it around to my friends, and the first response was from karaoke buddy Liz, who said she hoped they were bran. So I obliged and changed it to the Prozac-sprinkled Electric Bran Muffins.
When I got to work I related all this to my co-worker Jane, who added "Fat-free" to the mix. Then I related all this to my co-worker Lynne, who suggested "Organic". Then I decided to add a bit more insanity to the end of it, and before we knew it, we had the Prozac-sprinkled Electric Fat-free Organic Bran Muffins Orbiting The Third Moon Of Neptune.
We then decided to see just how much longer we could make this already ridiculously-long band name. Another co-worker suggested making the initials of the band spell out something, which is a nice idea, but at this point I decided I'd be happy just to have it spell out something just barely pronounceable! So we made a conscious effort to work in a few more vowels. (I once had the opposite dilemma with a previous favorite band name, Robots In Orbit Eating Oatmeal With Onions In It, which of course abbreviates to RIOEOWOII, which is a heckuva vowel movement!)
I typed it out on my Notepad, one word per line so I could figure out what the initials were spelling as we went, and I decided that since I could fit up to 39 lines on one page, once we got to 39 words we'd call it a wrap.
So after a bit more collective brainstorming, we ended up with the following insanely-long band name:
Prozac-sprinkled Electric Screaming Yellow Fat-free Organic Bran Muffins Orbiting The Third Moon Of Neptune In A Rented Dodge Omni With A Trailer Hitch Dragging Orange Sweatpants Filled With A Load Of Tapioca Pudding If You Know What I Mean.
Or PESYFOBMOTTMONIARDOWATHDOSFWALOTPIYKWIM, for short, as the band would be referred to by their most loyal fans who would follow them around to every show a la the Grateful Dead or Phish...Muffinheads, we would call them.
And the above pic would of course look great on the album cover, except that the band's name would almost completely obscure it.
PS: About a week later I spotted a news item about two Dallas high schoolers who were charged with giving school employees marijuana-spiked bran muffins in a senior prank. So my advice to those living in or visiting Texas...BEWARE OF THE MUFFINS! (Unless you like them Prozac-sprinkled or marijuana-spiked!)
PPS: I know what you're thinking, and yes, I would love to work "Marijuana-spiked" into the band name, but to do that I'd have to reduce the font size to fit all the lines on one page, and that would just be silly.
So a couple of weeks ago, on my way to work, I see this photo in the paper...
It ran with an article about the Everyone's Art Car Parade in Houston, and not only does it have to be the funniest pic of the year, the article included the phrase "Prozac-sprinkled Electric Muffins", which struck me as potentially one hell of a great band name! (You'll notice the second muffin from the left is, in fact, Prozac-sprinkled. I'm partial to the one with the Hostess Cupcake squiggle myself.)
I TMed it around to my friends, and the first response was from karaoke buddy Liz, who said she hoped they were bran. So I obliged and changed it to the Prozac-sprinkled Electric Bran Muffins.
When I got to work I related all this to my co-worker Jane, who added "Fat-free" to the mix. Then I related all this to my co-worker Lynne, who suggested "Organic". Then I decided to add a bit more insanity to the end of it, and before we knew it, we had the Prozac-sprinkled Electric Fat-free Organic Bran Muffins Orbiting The Third Moon Of Neptune.
We then decided to see just how much longer we could make this already ridiculously-long band name. Another co-worker suggested making the initials of the band spell out something, which is a nice idea, but at this point I decided I'd be happy just to have it spell out something just barely pronounceable! So we made a conscious effort to work in a few more vowels. (I once had the opposite dilemma with a previous favorite band name, Robots In Orbit Eating Oatmeal With Onions In It, which of course abbreviates to RIOEOWOII, which is a heckuva vowel movement!)
I typed it out on my Notepad, one word per line so I could figure out what the initials were spelling as we went, and I decided that since I could fit up to 39 lines on one page, once we got to 39 words we'd call it a wrap.
So after a bit more collective brainstorming, we ended up with the following insanely-long band name:
Prozac-sprinkled Electric Screaming Yellow Fat-free Organic Bran Muffins Orbiting The Third Moon Of Neptune In A Rented Dodge Omni With A Trailer Hitch Dragging Orange Sweatpants Filled With A Load Of Tapioca Pudding If You Know What I Mean.
Or PESYFOBMOTTMONIARDOWATHDOSFWALOTPIYKWIM, for short, as the band would be referred to by their most loyal fans who would follow them around to every show a la the Grateful Dead or Phish...Muffinheads, we would call them.
And the above pic would of course look great on the album cover, except that the band's name would almost completely obscure it.
PS: About a week later I spotted a news item about two Dallas high schoolers who were charged with giving school employees marijuana-spiked bran muffins in a senior prank. So my advice to those living in or visiting Texas...BEWARE OF THE MUFFINS! (Unless you like them Prozac-sprinkled or marijuana-spiked!)
PPS: I know what you're thinking, and yes, I would love to work "Marijuana-spiked" into the band name, but to do that I'd have to reduce the font size to fit all the lines on one page, and that would just be silly.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
LETTERS FROM HENRY
(from The Henry Rollins Show, June 3, 2006)
Dear FCC,
Your actions of late are a bit confusing to me, so I'm writing to you to hopefully get a reply to clear up some questions I have.
Remember a few years ago when you fined Howard Stern for that broadcast where he talked about a personal hygiene product called Sphincterine? How did you come to the amount of $495,000 for the fine? Was it by the letter? Was it by the syllable? Did you just make up a figure?
Do you think that a person has the ability to turn the channel when they find the material broadcast to be objectionable? Or does the programming actually have the ability to paralyze the person and render them powerless to exercise any personal choice or responsibility?
When you removed Bubba The Love Sponge from terrestrial radio, did you do that to protect me from Bubba? Remember when Bubba used to have Redneck Monday, where he used to bait rednecks and get them all mad that they were racist idiots? Or Lesbian Tuesday, when women would call in and rub the phone on their crotches? I don't know about you, but these broadcasts never made me want to build a meth lab or blow up a building or even bring a gun to school.
Sexual content seems to upset you, but violent content seems to be all right. That's kind of like the Bible. Not a lot of sex, whole lot of violence.
I wonder what you think about the satellite networks for television and radio. It's where Howard and Bubba are now, and I know from listening and being on their shows they say whatever the fuck they want. Is it just less work for you, or are you mad that so many of us have left home and are thinking for ourselves now?
From what I can tell, it's the truth you find indecent. All the news outlets are owned by only a few massive corporations. That's a good idea? Or is it just good capitalism? That was on your watch. News has gone from a content-based to a ratings-based racket with good time information for a country that has no money and a President on the warpath. That was also on your watch. And I know you may find the following sentiment indecent, but that's fucked up.
If you can pull yourself away from "American Idol" for a moment to get back to me on this, I would really appreciate it.
--Henry
(from The Henry Rollins Show, June 3, 2006)
Dear FCC,
Your actions of late are a bit confusing to me, so I'm writing to you to hopefully get a reply to clear up some questions I have.
Remember a few years ago when you fined Howard Stern for that broadcast where he talked about a personal hygiene product called Sphincterine? How did you come to the amount of $495,000 for the fine? Was it by the letter? Was it by the syllable? Did you just make up a figure?
Do you think that a person has the ability to turn the channel when they find the material broadcast to be objectionable? Or does the programming actually have the ability to paralyze the person and render them powerless to exercise any personal choice or responsibility?
When you removed Bubba The Love Sponge from terrestrial radio, did you do that to protect me from Bubba? Remember when Bubba used to have Redneck Monday, where he used to bait rednecks and get them all mad that they were racist idiots? Or Lesbian Tuesday, when women would call in and rub the phone on their crotches? I don't know about you, but these broadcasts never made me want to build a meth lab or blow up a building or even bring a gun to school.
Sexual content seems to upset you, but violent content seems to be all right. That's kind of like the Bible. Not a lot of sex, whole lot of violence.
I wonder what you think about the satellite networks for television and radio. It's where Howard and Bubba are now, and I know from listening and being on their shows they say whatever the fuck they want. Is it just less work for you, or are you mad that so many of us have left home and are thinking for ourselves now?
From what I can tell, it's the truth you find indecent. All the news outlets are owned by only a few massive corporations. That's a good idea? Or is it just good capitalism? That was on your watch. News has gone from a content-based to a ratings-based racket with good time information for a country that has no money and a President on the warpath. That was also on your watch. And I know you may find the following sentiment indecent, but that's fucked up.
If you can pull yourself away from "American Idol" for a moment to get back to me on this, I would really appreciate it.
--Henry
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