GOOOOOOOOLLL!



It's World Cup time again, which means it's also time to come up with Chris Berman-type nicknames for all the participating teams, with a generous helping of Duck Pond-type comic sensibility stirred in, natch.

Some of them took a bit of massaging, some were locked-in perfect from the get-go, and some we're still not 100% happy with, but for now we're going with our best efforts so far. In alphabetical order, let's run through them, shall we?

ANGOLA SWEATERS
A tough one, we went with the angora sweater reference. Perhaps a nod to Meryn Cadell?
ARGENTINA TURNERS
My fave team for years, I like to think there's another half-obvious one I'm missing, but the Tina Turner ref is just goofy enough to work.
AUSTRALIAN CRAWL
Swimming ref. This one may yet be changed. Other possibles: Aussie Rulers (ref to Footy), Aussie Osbournes, Australia Crocodile Hunters (Crikey!).
BRAZIL NUTS
Have yet to hear a better one.
COSTA RICA SUAVES
Gerardo ref. Not the best name, but passable.
CROATIAN ISTS
Get it? Instead of creationists? Yeah, I know, it sucks. Can you do better?
CZECH BOUNCERS
Czech, please. Czechmate!
ECUADOR KNOBS
As some of you know, I have a history of bad relations with Ecuador. As in, I blew the whole country clear off the map back in 1994. (The details of which I will someday get around to posting online along with all the other highlights from the late, great AG! The Geak Newsletter.) I almost went with the Ecuador Lorenas, but I just now changed it to the obvi Norbert ref. "Wayne Newton's a doorknob!"
ENGLISH MUFFINS
Sort of counters the whole hooliganism thing. Plus it's the most obvi.
FRENCH CONNECTION
Beat out the more obvi French Toast and French Fries, and the less obvi French Mistake (Blazing Saddles ref).
GERMAN SHEPHERDS
Most obvi. Runners-up: German Rye and German Chocolate Cake, but I'm doing my best to avoid too many food refs.
GHANA RRHEA
Has to be the edgiest. Co-worker Jane says to me "I don't get this one. Ghana Rrhea?" At which point she got it. "See?" I said. "Once you say it out loud you get it." Jane: "I hope not!"
IRAN FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
Hey, if you don't know your 80's music, I can't help you.
ITALIAN RESTAURANT
Lots of ways I could have gone here. Seasoning, Dressing, Sausage (though I could have also gone with the Polish Sausage, but I didn't want to have 2 teams with the same nickname like the CFL used to). In the end I went with what is not so much a food ref as a music ref. Call it an "ode to Billy Joel."
IVORY COAST BAR SOAPS
The IC is currently undergoing a civil war, and I imagine it's over which brand of bar soap to name it after! Ivory Coast: the only country named after 2 brands of bar soap. Hence the nickname. Enjoy!
JAPANSY DIVISION
A nod to my pals PD. But I almost went with the Violence Jack Offs, a ref to a classic Engrish.com pic of a clothing store of the same name.
MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS
Lots of possibles here. Mexican Standoff (would only work if they tied every game), Mexican Pizzas, Mexican Hat Dancers. But none could beat the JBs.
DUTCH ELM DISEASE
The Netherlands is always a fave of mine. I almost went with the way-too-obvi Dutch Boys (doubles as a "Shield" ref), or maybe the Dutch Treat. But co-worker Jane suggested the most wonderfully ridiculous nickname in the whole slate!
PARAGUAY MIDDLE
Eric Idle once hosted SNL back in the 70s, and played one of the Killer Bees (a la Belushi) in a sketch. When called out for his English accent, he tried to pass himself off as South American. "So you're from South America? What country?" "Paraguay." "Where in Paraguay?" "The middle." It sticks in my head to this day, hence the name.
POLISH JOKES
What else? And judging by the fact that they've been knocked out after just 2 games, they obvi ARE a joke.
PORTUGUESE CATHOUSE
At the mo I can't place where I heard the above phrase, but it beats any lame play on the words 'port' or 'porch'. The official team nickname translates to "the Shields". I like that.
SAUDI ARABIA HIJACKERS
A bit more specific than my first choice, the Terrorists. And Knights is too obvi.
SERBIAN BASTARDS
Kids In The Hall ref. "Get out of my cab, you Serbian bastard!" Officially it's Serbia & Montenegro...S&M! So could have gone with the Sado-Masochists. Of course, being in the same group as Argentina and Netherlands, they better be masochists!
SOUTH KOREA MASHERS
M*A*S*H ref. Duh. Kinda lame, but it's the best any of us can think of. Again, can you do better??
SPANISH INQUIZITION
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquizition! Note the Z, a ref to the late, great Game Show Network staple spelled the same way. Runners-up: Spanish Fly, Spanish Peanuts, and Spanish Harlem (Globetrotters?).
SWEDISH MEATBALLS
Probably the most obvi of all. Runners-up: Swedish Massage, Swedish Erotica.
SWISS ARMY KNIVES
Was gonna go with the Swiss Cheese, but the Noelomite suggested better, and helped me avoid yet another food ref. Other runner-up: Swiss Bank Accounts.
TOGO PARTY
Best I could come up with was Sandwiches (after the Togo's chain) or Togo Sticks. The Stever came to the rescue with an Aminal House ref. Togo! Togo! Togo!
TRINIDAD TOBOGGANS
One of the ESPN announcers called the people of T&T that, so I went with it. Kinda lame though. Third time's a charm: Can you do better???
TUNISIAN CAMEL JOCKEYS
Now, now. It's not like that. As much as I hate to admit it, it's actually a Happy Days ref. I'm so ashamed.
UKRAINIAN GYPSY PUNKS
As if I'd go with any other name! Unfortunately, they don't wear purple. :(

And finally...last, and least...the U.S.A. (Usually Soccer Also-rans). Thanks to Green Day for the most accurate nickname of all:
AMERICAN IDIOTS