ABBIE AND SAM



The second week of April is always a bit somber for me. It was 18 years ago on the 12th that Abbie Hoffman died, and 15 years ago on the 10th that Sam Kinison died. Both are heroes of mine. Both are role models to me. (I named my first two 'baby ALFs' after them.) Neither was ever afraid to speak his mind, and neither ever worried about who they'd piss off in doing so. Both passed away too soon.

Abbie was the clown prince of the antiwar movement during Vietnam, helping lead some of the greatest PR stunts of the movement (throwing dollar bills at the NYSE, the exorcism of the Pentagon, etc.), and of course was front and center as one of the Chicago Seven (Eight).

The morning of the day the shit hit the fan in Chicago in August 1968, Abbie was in a restaurant having breakfast when two cops confronted him and demanded that he take off his cowboy hat. He eventually did, revealing the word "FUCK" written on his forehead (a similar incident got me kicked out of Job Corps), was promptly arrested, and spent the rest of the day being bounced between precincts just long enough to keep him away from the Battle of Michigan Avenue.

He delivered two of my favorite courtroom quotes. When on trial for wearing a shirt with an American flag motif (many mistook the shirt as being made from a flag), considered 'desecration of the flag' (though many others had worn similar garb without being tried, proving that Abbie was really on trial for the thoughts in his head), he stood before the judge, the torn shirt lying in view on a table, struck a defiant pose and declared, "Your honor, I regret that I have but one shirt to give for my country."

The other was near the end of the Chicago trial, when he quoted Lincoln's inaugural address of 1861: "'When the people shall grow weary of their constitutional right to amend the government, they shall exert their revolutionary right to dismember and overthrow that government.' If Abraham Lincoln had given that speech in Lincoln Park, he would be on trial right here in this courtroom because that is an inciteful speech." The quote is as timely as ever today.

As for Sam, he is remembered for many classic bits, but if he could only be remembered for one, it would rightfully be the "Phone Call From Hell". He would call up 2 or 3 guys from the audience, listen to their stories about how some bitch broke their heart, pick a winner, then have a phone brought on stage so he could call her then and there and tell her off Kinison-style. This was a much-needed public service, and I wish I could have enlisted his help, though I was able to do it myself, in a way, at karaoke once using Sam's version of "Are You Lonesome Tonight". (Not to mention my "Jagged Little Parody", in which I spoke my mind and didn't care who I pissed off...Deja vu!)

More inspirational for me, though, was one of his many visits to the Steve Dahl Show. Never mind the mind-blowing show when Slash called from his car, then showed up in the studio to trade veiled drug references with Sam while Steve microwaved Oscar Mayer Zappetites right there in the studio (I labeled the tape "Zappetite For Destruction"). The visit that really stood out for me came just weeks after Sam's younger brother Kevin committed suicide in 1988.

At a time when any other guest or host would have steered clear of such a subject, Sam tackled it head-on with the sickest, darkest, and funniest humor possible. The highlight was when he talked about the wake. He told of standing in front of the casket next to his other brother Bill and their mother. When she said, through her tears, "He was the best...God always takes the best...", Sam and Bill looked at each other, then Sam said "So what are you trying to say, Mom?" Everyone at the wake cracked up. "Give us something to live for, will ya?" He had done his good deed for the day.

I always knew that Type 1 diabetes would someday claim my oldest brother Louie, and upon hearing that show, I immediately knew I would remember it when the inevitable day came. Sure enough, after Louie died in 2000, I kept Sam's example in my memory and maintained my sense of humor through the first huge loss of my life.

I have endured many more trying times in the years since, the senseless killing of my mom at the hands of medical incompetence, the 'Three is a tragic number' incident (no, not Earnhardt's death, though there's that too), my trainwreck of a breakup, being wrongfully fired (supposedly for something I didn't do, but really for being antiwar and atheist...punished for the thoughts in my head, yet more deja vu!), just to name a few, and of course I've had to endure the Bush administration's stupidity and their illegal war. And I have maintained my sense of humor through it all.

And I have Abbie and Sam to thank. Abbie endured an unjust war, Sam endured a tragic loss. Each did so with their sense of humor intact.

My own sense of humor has been my lifejacket, and Abbie and Sam each supplied a generous breath of air to help inflate it.

MOVE OVER, FACE ON MARS...WE NOW PRESENT THE POLAR HEXAGON OF SATURN!



For the full related article at NASA's Cassini mission site, CLICK HERE

Seriously, how friggin' weird is that thing? I'm guessing it will provide a nice change of pace for all the folks who have grown tired of speculating about the face on Mars and how it was made by aliens and NASA and/or the government wants to cover it up and whatnot. Now they can have fun coming up with lots of fresh new whackjob theories. Perhaps gigantic space-bees have begun building a massive hive there in preparation for an invasion of Earth. Or maybe when they image it in different wavelengths they'll find it's the middle part of a Star of David. Could it be Mel Brooks was unknowingly prophetic about Jews In Space? Oy vey!

LARRY "BUD" MELMAN
1921-2007

BAND TO CHECK OUT: GOMEZ



I've been championing these guys since 2004, when my Album of the Year winner was "Split The Difference". Two songs off their latest album, "How We Operate", are in the PKE book, the title track and "See The World", so I've been singing those a lot lately. Last week "See The World" was used on "House" and just last night "How We Operate" was used on "The Riches" so looks like they're catching on. Now I just hope they don't get too big and start repeating themselves. (Coldplay, I'm looking in your direction!)

HERE'S AN IDEA...

What if they replace Brad Delp with Eric Clapton and rename the band Boston Cream?

Hey, it's better than my last idea of Charlie Daniels and Dennis DeYoung forming a bluegrass band called Fiddlestyx.

BRAD DELP
1951-2007



[From the official Boston website]

"As you all know by now, Boston's lead singer, Brad Delp, was found dead in his home on Friday, March 9th 2007. Plans for live Boston performances this summer have, of course, been cancelled.

My heart goes out to his wonderful fiance Pamela, his two children and other family members, his close friends and band mates, and to the millions of people whose lives were made a little brighter by the sound of his voice. He will be dearly missed."

--Tom Scholz

THIS JUST IN...

After further review, the 2007 ALF Cup has been put back up for grabs.

The first ALF Cup Spring Basho will begin Monday night at 8pm, and end the last Monday in May. The winner of the Spring Basho will then face This Hour Has 22 Minutes (winners of what has now been reclassified as the Winter Basho) and a wildcard (TBD) in a Summer Basho to determine the 2007 ALF Cup champ.

The 2007-08 ALF Cup season will begin in September with an Autumn Basho, followed by Winter and Spring Bashos, etc.

Spiders On Drugs

This got airplay this week on "This Hour Has 22 Minutes", and deservedly so. Enjoy!

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

[The following is from the Toledo City Paper, January 24, 2007]

***

Best Karaoke Song List: Premiere Karaoke, LLC

Karaoke has come a long way since it first hit the United States from Japan. No longer is it simply a tipsy uncle singing "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang at your wedding. For many people, it's a weekly tradition, a chance to shine and impress a crowded room while celebrating a huge spectrum of music. TCP asked Doug Richardson about the karaoke empire he's built with Micki Greenburg to get some insight into what made Premiere Karaoke our readers' choice for Best Karaoke Song List.

TCP: How long has Premiere Karaoke been around?

DR: To us it doesn't seem that long, but Premiere Karaoke will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this October. We got our "start" at Buster Brown's Lounge in Maumee. Our second year there, Buster Brown's won "Best Karaoke Bar" in the City Paper's ‘Best Of Toledo’ poll, and since then, several of the clubs that we do, or did at that time, have been honored with that award (Jalapenos, JaK's Press Box, and Mutz; Mutz & Bier Stube were winner and runner-up last year, respectively).

TCP: What are some of the places that Premiere services?

DR: We currently provide karaoke services to the following clubs (in alphabetical order): Bier Stube, Buster Brown's, Jalapenos, Mutz, Old Roadhouse, Southwyck Lounge and T-Zers Sports Bar. And yes, we have actually done karaoke wedding receptions.

TCP: What is your favorite thing about being in the karaoke business?

DR: This is a difficult question for me to answer. Other than my love of music (I'm one of those people for whom the music drowns out the voices in my head), I think we enjoy the ability to interact with people of all ages — we've had singers ranging in age from six to over 60. I personally like designing and building the sound systems that we use, and (this may sound crazy) I get a rush from fixing them when they malfunction ... Yeah, that's right, I'm a geek! Fortunately, we rarely have any major problems at the shows.

TCP: What sets Premiere apart from other karaoke companies?

DR: There's really no big secret on how to be sucessful in the karaoke business. Just like any other business, you provide your customers a high quality product when they want it. Aside from our vast song selection and unequaled sound systems (everyone in the business claims to have that), we've recently integrated music videos, together with the karaoke and music tracks, to create a complete entertainment experience. Keeping a fair karaoke rotation is also key. We've also been very fortunate to find some very good karaoke hosts to run our shows over the years.

TCP: Have you noticed any trends (in people's music choices, etc.)?

DR: College kids love singing their grandparents' songs.
Only white boys sing rap music.
If a person comes up to the karaoke host towards the end of the show, and tells him to put his friend up to sing next, it's because either
he's going to get this party started, or
he's gonna Rock This Bar
There's a 99.9999% chance the singer's going to suck!

***

Let me just add that I am proud to be one of those hosts, and I am honored to be part of Doug & Micki's empire. Congrats you guys! And thanks to everyone who voted for us!

"THE BAD MACHINE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S A BAD MACHINE..."

I was in Southwyck the other day, dodging the tumbleweeds, and it really is a depressing place. The number of open shops seems to be in the single digits, and the only people who are walking around are the people who are only walking around.

Mall walkers. The sight of them never fails to remind me of The Wheel in "Midnight Express". Every now and then I'll go up to one and say "Remember, a good Turk always walks to the right."

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR ALL YOU STAR TREK FANS TO CHEW ON

While watching a rerun of Star Trek: Voyager, a thought occured to me.

Now for those of you with lives, in the Trek universe, the Milky Way galaxy is divided into four quadrants. Earth is located in the Alpha Quadrant, the Voyager ship is stranded in the Delta Quadrant, etc. The point is that, to the best of my knowledge, everything in Star Trek shows or movies takes place within our galaxy.

In other words, all of Trek is 'intragalactic'. Which means that any time you hear them use the word 'intergalactic', it's pretty much wrong. If there were any 'intergalactic' travel going on, for example, that would have to entail a trip to another galaxy.

I now brace for impact and await the onslaught of emails from apoplectic Trekkers. (Though it would be nice to know if my pal Willie is still reading this.)

Olbermann on Bush

I think he's pissed. Excellent job, Keith.

ELITE 8 AWARDS FOR 2006

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: "Rescue Me" Soundtrack--various artists
GEAK ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Rescue Me
CATCH PHRASE OF THE YEAR: "What up, sugar skull?"--Steve Dahl
MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan
COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR: "Whopperettes"--Burger King
MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR: Here It Goes Again"--OK Go
WEBSITE OF THE YEAR: YouTube

As for SONG OF THE YEAR, I'll be listing the results of the 128-song slugfest in the coming days. There was no clear favorite, and some of the leading contenders going in didn't even crack the top 10! In the end, the winner was decided by a slim margin, and I can honestly say that, even considering the many epic SOTY battles that have taken place in years past, the 2006 SOTY tourney will go down as the wildest, craziest, most competitive, and greatest in history!

lowercase thots, november 2006
(random things that pop into my sprained mind while i'm working)

one time a guy told me he had recently been born again so i told him he should go put on some diapers. (my friend noel says i should have asked the guy if he had two belly buttons)

the last time i was in chicago i almost caught a cold but luckily for me steve bartman got in the way

i'm a lapsed agnostic. i have more important things to think about

i once saw a very low-budget stage production of pink floyd's 'the wall'. they used a cubicle wall. at the end when they go 'tear down the wall!' a guy just walked up to it and tipped it over. rather anti-climactic

i made a pilgrimage to the spot where ernie kovacs veered off the road and fatally crashed. i stood on the exact spot. it felt very weird standing where he veered

my childhood dog was named scooter by his previous owners with whom he rode on their motorcycle as a puppy. i wonder if they rode on just their back wheel, because it would be really weird if he were wheelie-reared

i always like to say something when i sneeze: 'ahhh shiznit!' 'hot cheese!' etc. but my new favorite is 'iiiii sneezed!' it's the long-awaited sequel to what i say when i burp: 'i burped'

i'm all in favor of adoption but it doesn't always work out. just ask the manson family

you can learn a lot of new words doing crossword puzzles, but most of them are only used in crossword puzzles. when's the last time you used 'ague' or 'eft' or 'erne' in normal conversation? and how much are eli wallach and arte johnson paying for all those mentions?

even if i wanted people to bless me (which i don't), i still wouldn't want them to waste it on a harmless little sneeze. save it for when i'm in a car accident or i'm diagnosed with ass cancer

smart financial move on my part: starting that rumor years ago about razor blades in halloween candy. now i don't have to buy as much to hand out

how many songs have you heard where the first line is something about waking up in the morning? ever wonder why that is? as a guy who's written a few songs, i can tell you why: it's because the songwriter, whether he had a topic in mind or just decided for some self-disciplinary reason to make himself sit down that day and write a song, was stuck for a first line, and thus resorted to reviewing what he had done so far that day. 'let's see...i woke up, and then...'

the 'whose line' drinking game: when watching a rerun of 'whose line is it anyway', whenever wayne brady is making up a song and begins a line with the word 'because', do a shot. warning: you will probably die of alcohol poisoning

how to get people to stop talking on their cell phones on the bus: put your ear up next to their phone to try to hear what the other person is saying. if they have a problem with that, they can hang up and call back after they get off the damn bus!

there are no atheists in foxholes because we're not stupid enough to enlist in the first place!

why aren't there more orange cars?

i wrote a poem in which i rhymed 'orange' with 'door hinge'. i just hope the poetry cops don't come after me. i doubt it. they've got their hands full with eminem

when i peed on the witness stand the judge declared 'urine contempt of court!'

just so you know, i'm ashamed that george w. bush is from the same universe as me

when i hear someone described as 'high maintenance' i think of the kind of potheads who have to maintain a high 24/7. even at work (you know, like my ex)

dick clark is hosting 'new year's rockin eve' again this year, giving whole new meaning to the phrase 'stroke of midnight'

the animals they use for animal cracker shapes are never the ones we eat normally. who the heck is eating circus animals? where are the cows, pigs and chickens? when's the last time you ate actual giraffe meat? i say if you're going to go in the other direction, be more exotic: platypus, squid...how about a stingray cracker? that'd be timely. tho they probly won't sell down under. here's another idea: endangered animal crackers! pandas, fur seals, california condors...that'll *really* piss off the vegetarians!

'drug trafficking' is kind of an odd phrase. makes me think of a drug traffic jam. 'whoa dude, i am totally not moving...' *honk honk* 'hey! move your damn pot! i'm on speed here!'

you ever have a coughing jag reach the point where every time you cough, you also hiccup? scary, isn't it? it's like your body's whole system is about to erupt into total chaos. how about when you sneeze and you lose control of your bodily functions for just a split second which is just long enough to make you poot? nothing throws a monkey wrench into your plans for the day like an unexpected sneeze-poot

i saw an item in the paper today about test-tube koalas. chalk up another band name!

'x marks the spot.' no it doesn't. a spot marks the spot. x marks the x

kids are getting arrested for downloading songs for free. why wasn't i arrested when i taped songs off the radio with my cassette player as a kid? yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me

can you imagine a pirate movie a hundred years from now? 'pirates of the internet: the curse of the napster'...starring johnny depp's great-great-grandson as shawn fanning and nigel hawthorne's great-great-grandson as lars ulrich

strange the things that stick in one's brain. whenever i encounter the number 721, i think of that steel-belted tire commercial from 30 years ago: 'seven...around two...wrapped by one'

as of this writing, it seems we are just two assassinations away from a female president. now's the chance for some gun-toting radical feminist to really make a name for herself

my standard reply to 'watch your mouth!' has always been 'i can't, my nose is in the way'

i have no problem with o.j. simpson. he gives hope to all of us who would like to kill our exes

can we as a society please agree not to draw the numeral 6 sideways? and execute those who do? and stop putting that little line thru the 7s!

back when the first 3-blade razor came out, snl did a parody ad about a 4-blade razor. now there are acutal 5-blade razors. therefore, i feel it is my duty to update the parody: 'presenting the new 6-blade razor! the first blade pulls the hair out, then the second blade holds the hair while the third blade beats the crap out of it. then the fourth blade psychologically abuses the hair, thus weakening the hair's spirit before the fifth blade chops it off and the sixth, or so-called 'dahmer' blade, has sex with the now-dead hair.' there ya go. now i just hope i die before they work their way up to an actual 7-blade razor. then the task of coming up with the 8-blade parody will be someone else's problem

REALLY, BO...OF ALL THE CHEAP MOTIVATIONAL STUNTS...YOU FUCKING PRICK!



Shitbelcher will be cremated Saturday afternoon...ALONG WITH HIS TEAM!!!

COMING DISTRACTIONS:

* This year's Halloween pics

* New feature: Add A Caption

* New feature: lowercase thots

Stay tuned!

[2010 P.S.: Top this, Tiger Woods!]

ANOTHER INTERESTING FRIDAY THE 13TH FOR THE OL' DUCK

Earlier this afternoon, I went into a closet (see footnote 1), dropped a deuce (2), got lei'd (3), then came out of the closet (4), went upstairs and played Twister with a putter handle (5), breezed through a corn hole (6) and, last but not least, made a black pussy screech (7).

That, folks, is one well-rounded round of miniature golf in the workplace.

Footnotes:
(1)--My place of work had its 2nd annual mini-golf tournament. One of the holes I played was set up in a supply closet.
(2)--I finished the hole in 2 shots, the best possible score on that hole.
(3)--The theme of the hole was "Snakes On A Plane", which must tie in with Hawaii somehow. Thus when I finished they gave me a lei. A purple one, in fact. Start wearing purple!
(4)--See (1).
(5)--Another hole I played incorporated the game Twister. I had to spin to determine where I had to grip the putter while I played the hole. I ended up holding it sort of like a hockey stick.
(6)--The last hole I played had a corn theme, including cornstalks along the walls, feed corn and popcorn traps, etc. Naturally I dubbed it the "corn hole".
(7)--After I finished I walked past a hole with a Halloween theme which included a motion-sensing black cat doll which would screech when someone walked by.

So there. Get your minds out of the gutter, people.

BAND THAT EVERYBODY SHOULD CHECK OUT IMMEDIATELY:

The Drive By Truckers, the vastly-superior evolutionary by-product of a forced cross-breeding of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Molly Hatchet at the hands of Neil Young brandishing a .38 Special, and born in the backseat of ZZ Top's Eliminator.

Sorry all, haven't had anything to post for a couple of weeks. But I must post my condolences to my friend Noel and his family for the loss of his mother yesterday morning. My thoughts are with you, pal.

It's like rai-ai-ain
On your wedding day
It's the Croc Hunter
Getting killed by a 'ray...