TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JAN 30-FEB 5)

10. Seven Letters--tonight at Headliners
9. Ten Inch Willy--tonight, Saturday & Thursday at L.A. Pit Stop
8. Slim Hip Mama--Saturday at Manhattan's
7. Krestile Ti'--Saturday at Headliners
6. Into The Freylakh--Sunday at Firefly Club
5. The Mega 80s--Saturday at Magic Bag
4. Echo Of Silence--Saturday at Headliners
3. The T-Shirts--Saturday at Howards Club H
2. Ducksoup--Saturday at Mutz

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Human Being Lawnmower--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JAN 23-29)

10. Infinite Number of Sounds--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
9. Proximity Grey--Saturday at Headliners
8. DeadMan's Hand--Tuesday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Chalkline--Saturday at Headliners
6. D.A. and the Prosecutors--Saturday at Fitzpatrick's Tavern
5. Shuttlecock--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
4. Murphy Lee & the St. Lunatics--tonight at Headliners
3. Ooba Tooba--Saturday at Fat Tuesdays
2. Embrace Today--Tuesday at Mickey Finn's Pub

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Amino Acids--Saturday at Headliners

After a multi-week layoff due to lack of interesting entries...they're baaa-aaack!

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JAN 16-22)

10. Red Wanting Blue--tonight at Howards Club H
9. Own Free Will--tonight at Headliners
8. Toothpick--tonight at Howards Club H
7. Tattoo Annie--tonight & Saturday at Prime Time South
6. Mindless Mischief--Sunday at Headliners
5. Creamy Goodness--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
4. Hypnodik--Sunday at Headliners
3. Strip the Image--Saturday at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
2. MoneyShot--tonight at Headliners

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Binge Crosby--Saturday at Ernie's Lounge

A LITTLE SHAG-ETTE HAS JUST ENTERED THE WORLD!

Congrats to my pal Shaggy and his wife, who today became the proud parental units of 9-pound Ella Cornelia. She and her mum are both doing fine. Shagster, you owe me one (1) candy cigar :)

ALF: THE COMEBACK KID, ER, ALIEN
(email report from Steve Baxley)

This just in from the home office on Melmac: The signers of the "Bring Back ALF" online petition letter have finally gotten their wish.



The furry, cat-craving extraterrestrial star of the 1980s NBC sitcom, most recently spotted slumming it for long-distance services 10-10-220 and 1-800-COLLECT, has just landed his own show on Nickelodeon.

ALF's Hit Talk Show is a new series in development for Nick at Nite. Perhaps taking a hint from his latest 10-10-220 commercial where he channels Johnny Carson, the show will feature ALF (short for Alien Life Form--his given name is Gordon Shumway) interviewing a host of celebs.

The gabfest is part of an effort by the Nickelodeon and TV Land channels (both owned by media giant Viacom) to garner a more adult audience in the post-kiddie viewing hours. Among the other shows on tap are two new adult-friendly animated series from Bill Cosby and Kelsey Grammer.

For now Nickelodeon is banking on the alien appeal of ALF. Surprisingly, the hairy space oddity has retained a major cult following since NBC pulled ALF off the air in 1990 after four seasons of dissing the daily activities of the Tanner clan, his de facto family after his spaceship crashed into their garage.

Thirteen years after the show was canceled, hundreds of fan sites have sprung up on the Web. ALF's comeback began earlier this year when he was hired to hawk long-distance services opposite the likes of Terry Bradshaw, Mike Piazza, Emmitt Smith and Toby Keith.

Apparently a couple commercials weren't enough for ALF's most ardent fans, many of whom took to the Net to petition for a more appropriate vehicle to showcase ALF's unique talents.

"ALF is the coolest, most loveable alien and for some reason he is off. Networks, get him back," begged Tara on the Planet Melmac Message Board before Nickelodeon green-lighted the talk show.

"Whoever the powers to be are: PLEASE!!! Bring back this show!!! With all the junk on the dial today... nothing would make me happier than to be able to watch my furry friendly buddy," added ALF aficionado Jody.

Though none of Jody's TV ideas (such as ALF Returns, ALF Goes Hollywood, ALF Over the Rainbow, ALF visits London and the U.K., ALF: Return of the Family, ALF: Return to Melmac or Winter Vacation with ALF) were picked up, ALF's Hit Talk Show is ready to go.

The pilot was taped in November, and ALF's run as the next Dave/Jay/Oprah will begin early in 2004.

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (DEC 19-25)

(This week it seems the H in Howards Club H stands for Hogging Half the list. And once again, I engage in shameless self-promotion.)

10. Ducksoup--tonight at Jalapeno's (maybe), Saturday at Mutz (definitely)
9. Time Peace--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
8. Crazy Eddie--tonight at Howards Club H
7. Fat Dog--tonight at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
6. Red Headed Stepchild--Saturday at Howards Club H
5. Headcreeps--Saturday at Howards Club H
4. Arose Hail--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
3. Hemi Jendrix--Thursday at Howards Club H
2. 2000 Flushes--Saturday at Fitzpatrick's Tavern

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Goiterjelly--Saturday at Howards Club H

"THE DEPOSIIIII-TION! WHAT A SHOW! THE DEPOSIIIII-TION..."

Well, okay, it didn't take place in a courtroom, but I did give my deposition the other day. (Just to be safe I won't mention the details.) But sure enough, as you'd expect, the task of swearing me in was not exactly routine.

The stenographer was given the honors. "Raise your right hand."

Why? What diff does it make whether I raise my hand or not? Nothing up my sleeve. Ah, fuck it, I'll play along.

I raise my left hand.

Obviously she's no beginner at this. "Your other hand," she says nonchalantly. (I was kinda hoping for the 'your other right hand' joke. Oh well.)

I protest. "But I'm left-handed." Really, shouldn't it be the other way around for me? Hey, I gotta stick up for my fellow southpaws. Left on!

Fuckin' bigoted right-handed world. Whatever. I acquiesce. But in doing so, I manage to get in a nice subtle dig on my sis, who is also present, and with whom I had a rather heated argument just a bit earlier that day about my sexual orientation/preference.

"Whatever...I'm kinda ambidextrous actually, so I can go both ways." [big grin] Take that, sis, ya dang homophobe! (Or bi-phobe in this case, I spose.)

The next part, of course, you all knew was coming. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"Nope."

A slight pause. I can tell by now these people just love me. "I'm an atheist. Leave off that last part and we're in business," I say, very cheerful and friendly-like. I don't mean to give anyone a hard time. I'm just sticking up for my non-beliefs.

The poor thing soldiers on and tries again. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"So help me ALF," I say, as I whip out my cell phone with my goombah's picture on it. I give his mug a quick little peck for added effect. Whenever possible, I try to give people something to talk about at the dinner table that night. In some cases, you make not just their day, but their life. Years from now, at Thanksgiving..."Did I ever tell you about the weirdo I had to swear in once?"

Really, the whole swearing in thing is just a quaint bit of stupidity that has hung in there for ages, and everyone is so used to it that no one ever really thinks about how ridiculous it is. As in the comedy bit about D&D: "He said it was a magical sword!" "He was lying." "But he said he never tells a lie!" "He was lying when he said that." And the raising your hand bit: What is this, the fucking scouts? I suppose they want to make sure I'm not crossing my fingers. How very childish. Next you're gonna tell me there's no tagbacks.

Just think if I ever hit a courtroom. Hoo boy! It'll be a Three Stooges/Marx Brothers for the new millennium!

"Order in the court!" "I'll have two large, one all-meat and one pepperoni melt, with garlic and parmesan on the crust, please. Anybody else want something?"
"Objection!" "The goofy game for dopey doctors? No, wait, that's Operation. Sorry. Never mind."
"The witness may step down now." "I can? Can I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around too?"
"Place your hand on this bible..." "Oh, I don't think so. Can we get a copy of Carl Sagan's 'Cosmos' in here for this? I prefer NON-fiction, thank you. If we gotta do fiction, let's at least go with Douglas Adams."
"All rise!" "Rise? You mean, like, levitate? Hey, I ain't David Blaine here. On the other hand, that cute gal in the jury box is making part of me levitate right now, if ya know what I mean."

I guess I should arrange my bail ahead of time, for when they throw that 'contempt of court' bullshit at me.

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (DEC 12-18)

10. Ducksoup--Saturday at Mutz, about 9:30-10pm (shameless self-promotion)
9. Ceiling--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
8. The Strawbs--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Stacked Ham--tonight & Saturday at Break Room Lounge
6. Deep Fried Pickle Project--Saturday at Maxwell's Brew
5. One Eyed Show--tonight at Howards Club H
4. Swashbucklers Of The 21st Century--tonight at Club Frogtown
3. Local Anesthetic--Saturday at Sports Zone
2. Grasshopper Pie--tonight at Howards Club H

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Moon The Giant--tonight at Village Idiot

MUST...WRITE...A...BLOG...ENTRY...(GASP)...MUST...REACH...MY...UTILIITY...BELT...

Got a few different topics to catch you up on, so I'll itemize them.

1. The resolution: We won, and we're not happy about it
2. I think I've found a place to call my karaoke home
3. My car accident
4. The subsequent letters from scumbag law firms about my accident

1. The resolution

Yes, Toledo is now one of the more than 200 cities/communities that have passed resolutions against the so-called "Patriot" Act. The problem is that they gutted the damn thing before they passed it. It got watered down so much that some of us held a press conference Monday to voice our disgust. The Blade ran articles Tuesday and Wednesday on the subject. The Tuesday article features a nice picture of yours truly and a few of my comrades. Check it out. Boy, don't we look pissed? Well, we were!

And so the shell of a resolution that remained got passed 10-2, which is a small, hollow victory for our side, but there remains much more work to be done. Now I'd like to see Toledo pass an ordinance, something with some substance, some teeth to it. The ultimate goal is to get the so-called "Patriot" Act and all other legislation like it thrown out and have the Bill of Rights restored!

2. Karaoke

Ever since my brief (one song) stint in Cleveland as lead singer of Pansy Division, I've been itching to get out and do some karaoke. Also Nick (bassist for Dirty Power) wants to form an all-lookalike band of big bald guys with goatees called Baldy and he's looking for a lead singer and a drummer, so I need to work on my singing. (That, or find a dirt-cheap set of drums and a tolerant neighborhood.)

After some investigation, I finally found a host site conducive to my location and work schedule. I plan to be a regular, so for those who, just in case, a few years from now, want to be able to tell everyone about how they were witness to Baldy lead singer Ducksoup's humble beginnings, you can, most likely, barring any unforseen circumstances, catch me at Mutz, 27 Broadway (the Oliver House) on Saturday nights starting around 9:30 or 10pm.

Given my vocal range, I think I do best with stuff like Pearl Jam or Staind, and last week I did okay with a couple of Weird Al ballads, but my current song of choice is Finger Eleven's "One Thing". I also need to explore my limits, though, so I'm ready to try just about any song I'm familiar with. But I promise not to shatter your eardrums. So please come cheer me on!

One query though: If I bill myself as my band, Eggs Danny Thomas Style, can I make my own band name list?

3. My car accident

Finally! Took me long enough, right? Hey, I needed time to gain some perspective on the whole experience. Bite me.

As far as the crash itself, there's really not much to tell. I hitched a ride home from work with a co-worker, she had a brain fart and accidentally (that's why they're called accidents) ran a red light, and we got t-boned on my side. Ouch.

As I said previously, there's nothing quite like riding shotgun, watching a pair of headlights approach from your side, knowing the car is going to t-bone you, knowing you're just a passenger, and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it. And all you can do is think to yourself, "Oh shit. This is going to be rather unpleasant." And then you brace for impact.

As it happens, I was in a Chrysler Fifth Avenue, a nice big tank of a car, and the other driver was in a compact. He had an airbag so he wasn't hurt. (But he was 85 and despite the roads being wet I'm not all that sure he really tried to slow down much, so it's too bad he wasn't faulted, or my co-worker and I would both be rolling into work in tight whips, baby! Bling bling!) Now, switch the cars around and I might not be sitting here typing this. But it's safe to say the tank I was in saved my life, so later that week, on Thanksgiving, I gave thanks to Chrysler for building it.

Immediately after impact, I had a very sore spot in my back around my right shoulder blade. Given my low threshold of pain, if something was broken I would be screaming my lungs out. And I've lost no mobility in any way. So I passed on visiting an emergency room. Some other sore spots came and went in the next week, the initial sore spot remains, but it's steadily getting better, save for a couple of times I've slept in the wrong position, so hopefully there are no long-term problems.

But I've saved my biggest sore spot for last...

4. Time for a mailbag segment! "Letters, oh we get letters, we get your letters every day..."

Let's see, what's in the ol' mailbag today...ooh, a big manila envelope, looks important.

It's not.

It's a fucking advertisement! From the law firm of Kalniz, Iorio & Feldstein. Seems they scoured the accident reports in the paper, saw me and my address listed and fired off this nice friendly insidious disgusting advertisement (I can tell it's an advertisement, you see, by the tiny little faintly stamped-in-red-ink "advertisement only" way at the bottom as per whatever regulations exist that say they have to stamp that on there somewhere however barely noticeable) with a nice friendly insidious disgusting suggestion: "SUE SUE SUE!"

"Go ahead, sue the crap out of your co-worker, who graciously offered you a ride home, went out of her way to do so, and showed the utmost concern for your well-being immediately after impact in spite of her own! Sue her kind thoughtful ass! Sue her even though she works the exact same job and the exact same hours and takes home the exact same crappy paycheck as you! Sue her even though your dear departed mother did not raise you that way. Don't listen to your mom, she's dead anyway. Listen to us. We know what's good for you. Never mind the fact that we're too damn lazy to go out and literally chase ambulances anymore."

Mind you, I was tempted to send it back with a nice friendly note of my own telling them just what I thought of their sickening little ad, but as my bro pointed out, that's like answering spam email. No need to confirm for them that there's a living body at this address who would surely just love to receive ten times more of stupid advertisements like this.

And in fact, I've received two more since then, specifically from Dzienny Law Offices, Ltd., and from the Law Offices of Douglas R. Price, Attorney At Law. All with the same nice friendly insidious disgusting advertising message. Why then, you must wonder, am I listing them here, along with their phone numbers?

Oops, did I forget to list their phone numbers? Sorry, my bad. Here ya go:

Kalniz, Iorio & Feldstein: 800-537-1954
Dzienny Law Offices: 877-255-7315
Douglas R. Price: 419-242-3540

Again, why am I listing them here? No reason. I mean, it's not like I'm encouraging everyone reading this to BOYCOTT THEM AND INUNDATE THEM WITH PHONE CALLS TELLING THEM WHAT SCUMBAGS THEY ARE FOR MAILING OUT THIS KIND OF CRAP. Because I'm sure those of you reading this who share my mindset on this subject will BOYCOTT THEM AND INUNDATE THEM WITH PHONE CALLS TELLING THEM WHAT SCUMBAGS THEY ARE FOR MAILING OUT THIS KIND OF CRAP without my encouragement. And if you do, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that if you first dial *67 it will block your phone number from them so they can't call you back.

And so as I sit here relieved that I've finally been able to write about all this stuff, I wonder, which will arrive next: the wave of mail advertisements from chiropractors, or the wave of mail advertisements from massage parlors?

TOP ONE BEST BAND NAME PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK INSTEAD OF LAST WEEK

Since this week is lacking in new and interesting band names, I'm giving the ol' list another rest. Instead I have a correction to make:

Lame-O (aka Mullet Milennium) did not play last week as listed, but they are playing this Saturday at Longhorn Saloon, 944 Phillips Ave., around 10pm. Go check 'em out!

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (NOV 28-DEC 4)

10. Reaganomics--Saturday at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
9. Ten Inch Willy--tonight & Saturday at Randy's Last Call
8. Chili Cat--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
7. Geronimo's Cadillac--Saturday at Village Idiot
6. Laurie Swyers and the Blue Sun Band--Saturday at Manhattan's (Okay, it's not that weird a band name, but L.S. wrote the song "Bush's Stinkin' War" to help raise funds for the NWOPC, so I'm taking this opportunity to promote her show.)
5. Vermicious Knids--Saturday at Headliners
4. Everytime I Die--Wednesday at Headliners
3. Poison the Well--Wednesday at Headliners
2. Deep Fried Pickle Project--Saturday at Maxwell's Brew

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and not just because I know the dad of one of the band members)...

1. Lame-O (aka Mullet Millennium)--tonight at Longhorn

NO T-BONE STEAK FOR ME, THANKS

An interesting experience, riding shotgun in a car, watching a pair of headlights come right at you, and knowing a t-bone collision is imminent. All you can think is, "Well, this is going to be rather unpleasant." And it was.

No serious injuries resulted, just a lot of soreness. And I'll be sure to write more about this later, but right now I need some sleep.

The Top Ten Band Name list is back from vacation and ready to rock ya with its usual style and finesse. But first, I am happy to announce that I had to remove a name from my Unused Band Name list!

I got an email this week from one of the members of Sado-Massachusetts, a band based in Austin, Texas. They got the name from someone else, but nonetheless he promised to send me some MP3s of their work. IT BEGINS...!

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (NOV 21-27)

10. Premonitions of War--Sunday at Mickey Finn's Pub
9. Ekoostik Hookah--Wednesday at Bijou Theatre (no, not THAT Bijou)
8. Backstabbers Inc.--Sunday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Fat Dog--tonight at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
6. The Duhks--Monday at Mickey Finn's Pub
5. Ooba Tooba--Saturday at Fat Tuesdays
4. Driftwood Whale--tonight at Frog City Sports Pub
3. A Perfect Murder--Sunday at Mickey Finn's Pub
2. Voodoo Libido--Saturday at Griffin's Hines Farm Blues Club

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Rat Salad--Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub

"COME BACK TOMORROW NIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DO...FRACTIONS!"

Below are two recent letters to the Blade editorial department. The first was published Sunday. The second has not yet been published, as I just now fired it off.

***

Maybe it's correct in Land of Oz, but ...
We are the members of the pre-calculus class at Cory-Rawson High School. Sunday night WTBS will be airing The Wizard of Oz. In one of the final scenes of the movie, the scarecrow, upon receiving his diploma, states, "The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!"

This is an inaccurate attempt to state the Pythagorean Theorem and, as mathematicians, we find this highly offensive. This movie is clearly intended for mathematically mature audiences.

We offer this suggestion for parents with young children: Please preview the movie so that you can mute the sound at the right moment. Then, following the movie, sit down with your children and have a frank discussion about the Pythagorean Theorem.

Cory-Rawson High School Pre-Calculus Class
Rawson, Ohio

Editor's note: Students who signed the letter are Crystal Turner, Ryan Morrison, Brian Ferris, Brittney Rapp, Andy Cox, Jimmy Klay, Allison Bormuth, Luke J. Erford, Jenna Wood, Jason Bormuth, Melanie Weihrauch, Casey Jensen, Lori Webb, Landon Hamilton, Craig Van Stein, Cody Conaway, Jesse Anderson, Daniel Dray, and Jameson Businger. Their teacher is Chris Leuthold.

***

Regarding the Scarecrow's incorrect stating of the Pythagorean Theorem in "The Wizard of Oz":

ALF correctly stated the Pythagorean Theorem on an episode of his show: "The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides."

Obviously the inhabitants of the planet Melmac had a much better math education than the inhabitants of the Land of Oz.

DOUG PRIBE
South Avenue

THE TOP TEN BEST BAND NAME LIST IS TAKING THE WEEK OFF

Sorry, there just wasn't a very good selection of new and interesting band names this week. (Unless you count "Battered Women's Shelter Benefit", which I don't think is a band name.)

YEAH, I'M A CAMERA WHORE...WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

Wow, what a busy weekend my fellow commie fag junkie terrorist hippie co-conspirators and I had.

Citizens for Individual Rights and Freedoms (CIRF) scheduled a whirlwind slate of activities this past weekend, which ended up being bookended by two press conferences with decidedly different outcomes. But looking back on both, we couldn't have scripted the whole drama any better.

Friday night we put on a play about the Bill of Rights and how it's been eroded by the so-called Patriot Act (hereafter abbreviated to 'scPA'). Our troupe doesn't have an iron-clad name, but I'm pushing for the Patri-Actors. Or maybe the Patriot Players, or Peace Players...whatever, as long as it involves a nice alliteration. Our debut performance was received warmly. I played the "bell ringer", although I actually had to use a triangle (blame the prop department). I opened the show with the Preamble and a few ad libs, and closed it on a serious note with a quote from Benjamin Franklin (I paraphrased): "Those who are willing to sacrifice liberty for the sake of security deserve neither." There's talk of us maybe touring the city. Broadway can't be far off. (Or maybe East Broadway.)

Saturday afternoon we presented a couple of films about the scPA to a packed-to-the-rafters crowd, which I have to believe was due in large part to the mention we got in Roberta de Boer's column that day. Dare I say we had more butts in the seats in that room than were in most movie theaters in town that afternoon. A lengthy and lively discussion followed, which bought me just enough time to be able to head down the road to UT afterward to view the lunar eclipse that evening.

Sunday afternoon was our march near Franklin Park mall, and it was a smashing success! (Um, yeah...that's an in-joke for those who were there. [grin]) We marched a hundred strong around the block containing the mall, with our "The P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act is unpatriotic" banner leading the way. Lots of great signs in the crowd...my personal fave: "This is a patriot act!" Also good were "Don't fight for freedom by curtailing mine" and "Stop the war on dissent" (okay, that one was mine). Channel 13 got a great long-distance money shot of the march and the banner out front (yes, I'm visible) and I captured it all on the VCR. Bee-yoo-tee-full!

But aside from the spectacular march, nothing could top the goings-on down at One Government Center both Thursday and Monday, which I'll now recap for those who missed the whole shebang...

Thursday, a very small group (about 5 or 6) of us from CIRF joined council members Pete Gerken and Frank Szollosi in the lobby of 1GC to hold a press conference about the resolution. Two other CIRFers and I held up the aforementioned banner behind the podium as CIRFer Linda, flanked by Pete and Frank, spoke to camera crews from chs. 24 and 36. About a minute in, one of the state troopers patrolling the building and a suit appeared. "You're gonna hafta take it outside," the suit says to me. I think to myself "Oh boy, here we go, this mild-mannered little press confo is about to get REALLY interesting." I stand my ground.

Pete comes over and the suit tells him the same. Linda keeps rolling right along with her statement, despite the fact that the TV cameras have now panned over in our direction as Pete stands his ground and argues his point. He held a press confo just a day earlier in the same spot on a different subject and no one said a thing. The suit insists that we leave or else the stormtroopers will escort us all out. Pete is defiant, and the next thing you know...well, you've seen the video by now of Pete being shown the front door. Not wanting the nonsense to get too out of hand, the rest of us decide to pause the proceedings and continue them outside.

Now, riddle me this, Batman: If they don't want council members or anyone else making statements in the lobby, then WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING PODIUM?! (Guess I shouldn't say that though...watch it disappear now.)

So what starts out as a very low-key, sparsely populated little announcement about our resolution against the scPA has now morphed into a brouhaha about elected officials being thrown out of the city hall lobby. (BTW, as I understand it, this was the first time ever that any elected official had been kicked out of the building. Not even that tirade-prone, anger-mismanaged, rabies-infected psycho nutcase Carty Finkbeiner ever accomplished that!)

After we set up shop out front, Pete and Frank got plenty of camera time, out of earshot of me as I stood there thinking how great a scene was playing out, how we're sure to make the evening news and get the word out about the evils of the scPA. "It's the 60s all over again, baby," I said to CIRFer Terry.

Alas, when I got home and rolled tape on 24's 6 o'clock, my erection waned. 24 made it all about councilman Pete getting booted. (Of course councilman Frank had to go outside too, but councilman Frank wasn't on tape being dramatically escorted out by a stormtrooper.) The subject of the resolution, the reason we were there in the first place, became an afterthought.

(Okay, I didn't want to bring this up, but I really should at this point. During the Sunday march there were a couple of rear-ender fender-benders, and it's fair to say that one of the drivers was distracted by us. Mind you, as bad as all of us CIRFers feel about this, the fact is that it's the driver's responsibility to control his vehicle, maintain a safe following distance, etc. Luckily there were no serious injuries.

Anyhoo, when I tuned in to 24's coverage of the march, once again they shoved our main message to the back burner and shifted the focus of the story to the accidents. I suppose if, during our Monday press confo, one of the state troopers had stubbed his toe, 24's coverage that night would feature a live report from outside the ER. "Jim, we're told the trooper will have to wear special socks for 2-3 weeks. Once again, it was his left big toe. Back to you in the studio.")

So that along with the fact that I watched the first 20 minutes of 36's 10 o'clock with no mention of the incident left me rather pissed through my Friday workday. But once I got home, there was Pete and the 'bouncers' right on the Blade's front page. And 24's online video clips (^linked up top^) had much better coverage than on their newscast, and didn't completely ignore our main message.

And then there was our triumphant reassembly Monday, right back in the same spot, but with more council members, more CIRFers, more cameras, and no more bum's rush! No less than 7 of the 12 council members (the rest had valid excuses for their absence and were supportive or their colleagues) were there, including council prez Lou Escobar, as Pete and Frank got a second chance to speak at the conveniently-placed podium. Mayor Jack Ford poked his head out of his hole (not sure if he saw his shadow or not) for a minute to view the scene from the sidelines.

And even though they only addressed their right to speak there in the 1GC lobby, the CIRFers present (well over a dozen of us) were waved over to stand behind them in a show of support, and we did our best to turn the tables right back around on everyone and bring attention back to our original message, holding up plenty of signs and, of course, the now-legendary banner for all the media to get a nice money shot of, which they did. (Afterward, being the camera whore that I am, I did my best to hold up a sign in the background for as many post-confo TV interviews as possible.)

In the end, though, only 13 and the Blade made use of the money shot or anything else as far as I could tell. I painstakingly scoured the late casts on 11, 24 and 36, with no sign of us. 36 committed the worst case of reneging. They filmed a nice statement by CIRFer Karen on Thursday that ended up on the cutting room floor. Monday they made a point of giving her another shot to speak on camera, and the cameraman even signaled me to better position my sign behind her. But come 10pm, nothing nada zip zero zilch made it to air.

Thankfully the Blade did us more justice than the 4 TV stations combined, Roberta de Boer ran another column, and the banner money shot made the front page of the second section (If you look closely you can see my arm way over on the right! Woohoo!), a bit of a demotion but still far better than 3 of the 4 TV stations. 13's post-MNF cast included security camera footage from Thursday, which shows me standing right behind Pete as he was about to get bounced, and their footage from Monday included a close-up of yours truly, so they must have recognized me from the security cam footage.

And something tells me they weren't the only ones. Today I got a letter from the IRS about my unpaid taxes, which of course, as a war resister, I refused to pay. (I included a note with my return stating as much, can't they read?) Tell me Big Bro ain't watching. Hi mom!

So if and when I'm in that lobby again, I'm going to seek out the security cam and, just like the guy in "Surveillance Report" (one of the films we showed Saturday), I'll make sure they can read my lips as I mouth a silent "Fuck you!"

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (NOV 7-13)

10. Watermelon Men--Sun at Secor Lanes
9. Mad Cows--Sat at Mainstreet Roadhouse
8. 2 Big Guitars--Tue at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Pal Joey and da Sicilian Playboys--tonight & Sat at Firehouse 47 Bar and Grill
6. D.A. and the Prosecutors--tonight at Panama J's
5. Five Card Stud--tonight & Sat at Gametime Sports Pub
4. Oval Opus--Sat at Headliners
3. Creamy Goodness--tonight & Sat at Frog City Sports Pub
2. Child Proof Toys--tonight & Sat at the Barn

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Citizens for Individual Rights and Freedoms (CIRF)--tonight at St Mark's Church, Sat at Sanger Branch Library, Sun at Franklin Park Mall

Okay, so we're not actually a band. Hey, a little shameless self-promotion never hurt anyone :)

CIRF'S UP!

Reclaim your civil liberties with a weekend of events opposing one of the most unpatriotic of documents, the USA-Patriot Act. YOUR ATTENDANCE SENDS A MESSAGE! PLEASE JOIN US!!

Tonight at 7:30 at St Mark's Church, 2272 Collingwood--A one-act play about the Patriot Act (featuring yours truly). Learn how six of the first 10 Amendments to the U.S. Constitution have been repealed.

Saturday at 3pm at Sanger Branch Library, 3030 W. Central--Two short films about the Patriot Act, presented by the Media Decompresion Collective. Come hear the facts the mainstream news does not want you to know on how the Patriot Act affects our rights and ultimately our lives.

Sunday at 2pm near Franklin Park Mall--March at Monroe and Talmadge. TAKE BACK THE BILL OF RIGHTS!!! All events are free and open to the public. Sponsored by the Media Decompression Collective and the NW Ohio Peace Coalition.

Already we've caused a stir: Our press conference yesterday afternoon, promoting the weekend events and the City Council resolution condemning the Patriot Act, made the evening newscasts on channels 24 and 36. (I got on camera on both stations, and I captured it all on tape.) Plus the story made the front page of today's Blade. No such thing as bad publicity, baby! For more, check out the links ^up top^.

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 31-NOV 6)

(Looks like it's Headliners' turn to dominate the list this week, with 6, count 'em, 6 entries, all playing tonight.)

10. Sworn Enemy--Fri at Headliners
9. Everyday Pain--Fri at Headliners
8. Ceiling--Sat at Game Time Sports
7. Avenged Sevenfold--Fri at Headliners
6. Frank, Zunk and Punk--Fri at Morris' Restaurant
5. Ninja And The Secret Rage--Sun at Music Suite
4. Western Waste--Fri at Headliners
3. Sick Of It All--Fri at Headliners
2. Bottoms Up--Fri & Sat at Firehouse 47 Bar And Grill

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and a fitting choice for Halloween)...

1. Dead Man's Hand--Fri at Headliners

A QUICK DIP IN THE DOVE POND

WHAT'S IN A NAME? USA-PATRIOT ACT UNVEILED

The Bill of Rights Defense Committee lists the winning entries from a contest where the acronym 'USA-PATRIOT' had to expose the true purposes of the Act:

1st Place: Useless State-sponsored Action Purporting to Attack Terror While Really Initiating an Oligarchic Takeover

2nd Place: Unseemly and Simplistic Attempt to Preclude Americans' Treasured Rights by Inapt Obsession with Terrorism

3rd Place: Unilaterally Subverting America by Punishing Activists and Torturing and Repressing Immigrants by Oppression and Tyranny

MARCONI MADNESS!

It was the greatest tournament I failed to tell you about here in The Pond until it was all over.

In the wake of the demise of the annual GeakSweeps, a new radio tournament was formulated about a month ago that would be squeezed in on October weekends just before the start of the new ALF Cup season. It took the form of a March Madness-style tournament, hence the moniker "Marconi Madness".

A total of 83 AM and FM stations qualified to take part, and after a preliminary round, a bracket of 64 squared off in the first radio-only competition since before TV stations were admitted into the previously all-radio GeakSweeps. It was a bit of a chore to begin with, and downright boring at times. Little did I know of the exciting finish that was in store.

Each matchup in each round was determined by a random draw. Once things got underway, the AMs, as expected, got pretty much slaughtered by the FMs. Signal strength was often an issue, even more than format. There were some mild upsets, but ultimately the final four was comprised of the four tournament favorites, WXKR, WJZE, WIOT, and WRWK.

The final matchup came as no surprise, a meeting between WIOT and WRWK, the two stations I happen to listen to the most while at work (no other good stations come in good there). A classic Clear Channel vs Cumulus grudge match.

RWK came in as the tourney favorite, but on the morning of the finals, it just so happened that our good pal Shaggy, head honcho of the Duck Pond affiliate Shagout, was at the helm for IOT. And in a thrilling, nail-biting, knock-down drag-out double overtime epic, it was the Shagster (named MVDJ) and the IOT Coyote pulling off the upset and emerging as the champs of the first ever Marconi Madness. Congrats guys!

Below are the full tournament results.

2003 MARCONI MADNESS
PRELIMINARY ROUND
FM 89.3 WYSZ Toledo OH def. AM 1080 KRLD Dallas TX
FM 99.9 WKKO Toledo OH def. AM 760 WJR Detroit MI
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. AM 1620 WDND South Bend IN
AM 800 CKLW Windsor ON def. FM 89.9 CBE Windsor ON
AM 1470 WLQR Toledo OH def. AM 840 WHAS Louisville KY
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 97.9 WJLB Detroit MI
FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI def. FM 105.5 WWWM Toledo OH
AM 700 WLW Cincinnati OH def. AM 1020 KDKA Pittsburgh PA
AM 1170 WWVA Wheeling WV def. AM 890 WLS Chicago IL
FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI def. FM 107.3 WJUC Toledo OH
FM 90.3 WOTL Toledo OH def. AM 1010 CFRB Toronto ON
AM 1370 WSPD Toledo OH def. FM 99.5 WYCD Detroit MI
FM 91.7 WUOM Ann Arbor MI def. AM 950 WWJ Detroit MI
FM 100.5 WKXA Findlay OH def. FM 93.1 WDRQ Detroit MI
AM 900 WFRO Fremont OH def. AM 980 WONE Dayton OH
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 1640 WKSH Milwaukee WI
AM 1120 KMOX St Louis MO def. AM 1540 KXEL Waterloo IA
FM 88.3 WXUT Toledo OH def. AM 830 WCCO Minneapolis MN
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. AM 1050 CHUM Toronto ON

FIRST ROUND
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. AM 1370 WSPD Toledo OH
FM 88.1 WBGU Bowling Green OH def. AM 1530 WSAI Cincinnati OH
FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH def. AM 810 WGY Schenectady NY
AM 1060 KYW Philadelphia PA def. FM 100.5 WKXA Findlay OH
FM 91.3 WGTE Toledo OH def. AM 1120 KMOX St Louis MO
AM 670 WSCR Chicago IL def. FM 88.7 CIMX Windsor ON
AM 1630 KCJJ Iowa City IA def. AM 1650 KCNZ Cedar Falls IA
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 1170 WWVA Wheeling WV
FM 96.9 WXQQ Toledo OH def. AM 1070 WIBC Indianapolis IN
FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI def. AM 610 WTVN Columbus OH
AM 710 WOR New York NY def. FM 95.5 WKQI Detroit MI
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. FM 99.9 WKKO Toledo OH
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 1200 WOAI San Antonio TX
AM 720 WGN Chicago IL def. AM 550 WKRC Cincinnati OH
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. FM 91.7 WUOM Ann Arbor MI
FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI def. AM 1510 WLAC Nashville TN
AM 660 WFAN New York NY def. AM 1100 WTAM Cleveland OH
FM 95.7 WIMX Toledo OH def. AM 740 CBL Toronto ON
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. AM 800 CKLW Windsor ON
FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH def. AM 900 WFRO Fremont OH
AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL def. AM 700 WLW Cincinnati OH
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. AM 870 WWL New Orleans LA
AM 780 WBBM Chicago IL def. FM 99.1 WFRO Fremont OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 88.3 WXUT Toledo OH
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. AM 580 CKWW Windsor ON
AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY def. FM 89.3 WYSZ Toledo OH
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 93.5 WRQN Toledo OH
AM 1030 WBZ Boston MA def. AM 1470 WLQR Toledo OH
AM 650 WSM Nashville TN def. FM 102.9 WWWW Ann Arbor MI
FM 96.3 WDVD Detroit MI def. FM 90.3 WOTL Toledo OH
AM 1040 WHO Des Moines IA def. FM 101.9 WDET Detroit MI
FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI def. AM 1690 WRLL Chicago IL

SECOND ROUND
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. AM 780 WBBM Chicago IL
FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI def. FM 88.1 WBGU Bowling Green OH
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. FM 91.3 WGTE Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. AM 720 WGN Chicago IL
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. AM 1630 KCJJ Iowa City IA
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 660 WFAN New York NY
AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY def. AM 1040 WHO Des Moines IA
FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH def. AM 710 WOR New York NY
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 96.9 WXQQ Toledo OH
FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH def. AM 1030 WBZ Boston MA
AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL def. AM 670 WSCR Chicago IL
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. AM 1060 KYW Philadelphia PA
AM 650 WSM Nashville TN def. FM 96.3 WDVD Detroit MI
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. FM 95.7 WIMX Toledo OH

THIRD ROUND
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 650 WSM Nashville TN
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH

QUARTERFINALS
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH

SEMIFINALS
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH

FINAL
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH

2003 MARCONI MADNESS CHAMPION:
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH