ALF CUP 2008: WEEK 11 GAME BALLS

Gotta give one to South Park for another fine new ep. Leave Britney alone! And one to Nathan Fielder for his latest "On Your Side" segment. I wouldn't be surprised to see a half-hour "On Your Side" compilation special on CBC after 22's current season ends. (Hint hint, Mr. Farrell!)

But the biggest game ball this week goes to a website. March Madness caused Dexter to start way late, so my DVR only got the first 5 minutes. My brother's DVR got the same. Panic-stricken, I searched the internet to find a download. No luck. It looked as though, after 3 first-place and 2 second-place finishes in its first 5 weeks, Dex was headed for a scoreless week. In desperation I googled "Watch Dexter season 1 episode 6" and found WatchDexterEpisodes.com, and Dex ended up winning for the 4th time in the last 6 weeks. It's now tied for 2nd, and if it ends up winning the Cup, we may look back on this as the turning point of the season. Incredible as it may seem, sometimes the internet actually doesn't suck!

ALF CUP WEEK 10 GAME BALL

Almost forgot, last week's Game Ball goes to 22's lovely and talented Cathy Jones for giving us what would make a good band name, fake DJ name, or racehorse name: Crunchy Sweatsocks.

ALF CUP 2008--WEEK 9 GAME BALLS

First GB to Raymond Cruz, who plays Tuco the drug lord on Breaking Bad, for his season-ending meth tweak during which he beats one of his henchmen (to death?).

Next one to the John Fogerty of TV comedy, Shaun Majumder, whose Unhitched character Freddy was said to have been plagiarized from his 22 Minutes character Raj Binder. The accusation, of course, came from Raj Binder himself during this week's 22.

And the last GB has to go to the entire cast of The Whitest Kids U'Know, who, standing on the shoulders of Monty Python and the Kids In The Hall, continue to advance sketch comedy even further into the future. The sketch about teaching a whale to jump out of its tail is an instant classic. What more can I say about the WKUK except "HOLY SHIT!"

OCHO DE MARZO* IS HERE, AND SO IS THE 2007 SOTY CHAMP

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED! THE 2007 SONG OF THE YEAR IS...

COMPASS POINT--LOWEN & NAVARRO (click here to listen and/or download the champ)

PAST SOTY WINNERS
2006--Pancreas--Weird Al Yankovic
2005--Start Wearing Purple--Gogol Bordello
2004--Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam
2003--Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam
2002--Trouble--Coldplay
2001--Song For The Stupid Raver Shithead Who Lives Underneath Me And Always Plays His Shitty Music Really Loud And Makes My Floor Vibrate And At One Point He Left His Room But Left The Stereo On And It Skipped And I Had To Listen To It For Four Fucking Hours--Taco The Wonder Dog
2000--Stuck On Earth--ALF (with Ben Liebrand)
1998--White Horse--Laid Back
1997--Drivin'--Henry Phillips
1996--1979--Smashing Pumpkins
1995--Bulbous Bouffant--The Vestibules
1994--Across The Universe--Laibach
1993--Jeremy--Pearl Jam
1992--Mississippi Queen--Sam Kinison
1991--X Y & Zee--Pop Will Eat Itself
1990--Def Con One--Pop Will Eat Itself
1989--Surfing With The Alien--Joe Satriani
1988--Mean Green Mother From Outer Space--Audrey II (Levi Stubbs)
1987--You're The One Who's Out Of This World--ALF
1986--I'm So Worried--Monty Python
1985--Marvin I Love You--Marvin The Paranoid Android
1983--Fish Heads--Barnes And Barnes
1982--Countdown--Rush
1981--Run Like Hell--Pink Floyd

* Footnote: Ocho De Marzo is what I now call my birthday. I don a sombrero and eat a lot of tacos.

ALF CUP/SOTY UPDATES

The 2007 Song Of The Year winner will be announced this Saturday, Ocho de Marzo.

Meanwhile, it's interesting to look at the shows that have held sway in the ALF Cup top 10 so far this season. Beside the fact that there are 3 pairs of 'drafting partners', and that 5 of the 10 air Sunday night, there are 4 distinct groups in there: the 3 CBC veterans (Mercer, 22 and Air Farce) and 3 hotshot Sunday night rookies (Whitest Kids, Dexter and Breaking Bad) in the top 6, followed by Fox partners F-Guy and Am-Dad and Discovery partners Mythbusters and rookie Smash Lab.

And lastly, to steal a page from Chris Berman, I'd like to start awarding "Game Balls" for the top individual performances each week. The first Game Ball this week has to go to 22's Nathan Fielder for his report on MP3 players. Other Game Balls go to Michael C. Hall who continues to shine as Dexter, and Bryan Cranston's 'explosive' performance on Breaking Bad.

"...TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT..."

Funeral services for karaoke at Mutz have been cancelled. Or at least postponed.

We ended up going back this past week. I kicked things off with "Welcome Back". (It was either that or "Reunited". Bleah.)

R.I.P., MUTZ

Well, tonight was our last night of karaoke at Mutz. It's not like we didn't see it coming, they pretty much killed it 6 months ago by remodeling it for the worse. Tonight was just the last shovel of dirt on the grave. A couple of friends and I had the honor of singing the very last song, "The Way We Were". I thought it quite fitting.

I spent much of the last 4+ years down there, and I take away many fond and lasting memories, as well as many damn good friendships with fellow karaoke enthusiasts: Noel & Kristy, Levi, Tenacious Sam, the Lizard Queen, ProZak, Matt P., Jennel, Josh, Minko, many others too numerous to mention, and of course Doug and Micki.

What can I say? The place changed my life, in good ways and, occasionally, bad ways. On the good side, I got some pussy via the place! On the bad side, the pussy belonged to a total psychobitch from hell. But as the song says, "what's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget...so it's the laughter I will remember":

* Noel's cellphone recording of a drunk Tenacious Sam out front, singing "YOU MAKE ME FEEL...YOU MAKE ME FEEL...[long pause]...BITCH!...YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAAAAAN!"

* The crowd reaction every Halloween as I revealed my drag outfit during "Sweet Transvestite".

* The crowd reaction when I dropped the C-bomb during "Jagged Little Parody"...all the guys let out a collective "WHOOOA!" as if they were on a roller coaster, while half the gals flipped me off.

* Noel and I and our many performances of "Boulevard Of Broken Songs".

* Picking up Tenacious Sam to pull off a couple of swing-dance moves during "Kiss".

* Drowning out an obnoxious UM fan after yet another OSU victory by yelling "O-H!" at the top of my very LOUD lungs, followed by an almost-as-loud "I-O!" from the mostly OSU crowd. His finished his song and promptly hightailed it out of there. (Doug said it best...I'm the only person who doesn't even need a mic!)

* All the fun summer nights singing outside in the courtyard between the bars. Outdoor karaoke...can't do that anywhere else! (Except maybe at a corn maze)

* Belting out "Anarchy In The UK" while standing on top of a barstool, shortly after Saddam Hussein's execution, with the handwritten sign "EXECUTE GEORGE NEXT!" duct-taped to my forehead.

* The dozens of times I whipped out that fork during "One More Minute"...never fails to get a laugh.

I could go on for hours. But I won't.

Thanks to all my pals with whom I had fun at what used to be the best karaoke spot in town. It was a heck of a 4.25-year run.

But PKE still has plenty of other shows, including my own weekly gig at Woodchuck's. Here's to creating new fond memories at all our other haunts! See you there!

DAN IS THE MAN



I must give a huge shoutout to astronaut Daniel Tani, who returned home from the ISS this week after 4 long months in earth orbit (twice as long as scheduled) during which his mother met a most untimely death.

My mom's death was plenty tough on me, and I got to sleep in my own bed afterwards. I can't imagine how tough it must have been for Dan to be stranded in space during all that, missing the funeral and not being with his loved ones and whatnot.

Needless to say, he did the only thing he could do to cope. He kept right on doing his job up there. And given the circumstances, he did one heck of a job. (And some say there are no more heroes in this world.)

Welcome home, Dan. The Duck Pond salutes you. You are the man!

SOTY 2007...YOU MAKE THE CALL!

And then there were two. The 2007 Song Of The Year comes down to this final matchup:

"Compass Point" by Lowen And Navarro vs. "Rocky Drunky Pervert" by Stevans

AND I CAN'T DECIDE! So I need your help, dear friends. If you would like to help me pick a winner, email me at askduckpond2008@sacbeemail.com. If you haven't heard them yet, let me know and I will email them to you.

SOTY 2007...Their fate is in YOUR HANDS!

The rest of the top 42 are listed below...

3. A Modern Man--George Carlin
4. Girlshapedlovedrug--Gomez
5. Angry Inch--Hedwig And The Angry Inch
6. Move Along--The All-American Rejects
7. Underneath Your Skirt--Stevans
8. Wicked Little Town--Hedwig And The Angry Inch
9. Shake Your Junk--Minko
10. Emotional Cash--Stevans
11. Supertheory Of Supereverything--Gogol Bordello
12. Monday's Wedding--Stevans
13. Wig In A Box--Hedwig And The Angry Inch
14. Leaving For Paris No. 2--Rufus Wainwright
15. How We Operate--Gomez
16. The Origin Of Love--Hedwig And The Angry Inch
17. Notice--Gomez
18. Macarthur Park--Jimmy Webb
19. All About Me--Matt Dusk
20. Mojo--Peeping Tom
21. Yesterday Never Tomorrows--The Stills
22. Tear Me Down--Hedwig And The Angry Inch
23. Daily Grind--Minko
24. Weight Of The World--Lowen And Navarro
25. The Underdog--Spoon
26. Crucifixion Steaks Demo--Steve Dahl
27. Suddenly...(I Miss Carpaty)--Gogol Bordello
28. The Way We Get By--Spoon
29. Missing Part--Stevans
30. Midnight Radio--Hedwig And The Angry Inch
31. Girlfriend--Avril Lavigne
32. Coast-To-Coast Emergency--George Carlin
33. 11x3 (live)--Steve Dahl & The Dahlfins
34. Dick In A Box--Justin Timberlake
35. Buzz In My Head--Stevans
36. Rise And Fall--Stevans
37. My Humps--Alanis Morissette
38. John Allyn Smith Sails--Okkervil River
39. Lights Out--Lisa Marie Presley
40. 11x3--Steve Dahl & Teenage Radiation
41. Crazy Bitch--Buckcherry
42. Tulsa--Rufus Wainwright

22 XP MARK FARRELL VISITS THE DUCK POND INTERVIEW LOFT



Last March, after This Hour Has 22 Minutes had seemingly won the 2007 ALF Cup, their Executive Producer Mark Farrell contacted me about possibly doing a piece about it on the show.

But then the ALF Cup format underwent a couple of major overhauls, putting the title up for grabs until the end of the calendar year.

As it turned out, the format changes only delayed the inevitable, and under the new points system 22 ran away with the title in the closing weeks.

After 22 clinched, I delivered the good news and we began an email interview which follows below.

***

DS: Mark Farrell, 22 Minutes has just won it's 5th ALF Cup. What are you gonna do now?

MF: Hey this is exciting, after all the controversy just to win out right, feels good.

In terms of what I'm going to do now; maybe take some time with my family, but really with the way competitions are nowadays there's really no time to rest because the the next thing you know there'll be another ALF Cup and as defending champ, I know a lot of shows will be coming after us.

DS: Going into 2008, how stable is the cast lineup? Is Shaun Majumder expected back or is Geri Hall a permanent replacement?

MF: Pretty stable. The plan is that Geri will be in every episode. It looks like Shaun will be back in the New Year pending availability on his Fox Show "Unhitched". In episodes in which he appears we'll have five cast members.

DS: What about your rookie correspondent Nathan Fielder, whose Tall Club piece in the "After Rick Mercer Before The Tudors" ep had ALF Cup followers buzzing?

MF: Nathan has a great style and deadpan delivery and has brought a lot to the show this year. How's that for a vague non-descript answer?


22 rookie sensation Nathan Fielder

He also has a bit of a following on Youtube etc. from before his time with us on 22 and last year won the Cream of Comedy contest, a contest that identifies young up and coming comedians. In its first (or maybe its second) year, the winner was a guy by the name of Gavin Crawford...

DS: Third year, actually. I just looked it up (Thanks Wikipedia!). So a good pedigree there.

And the stability of the lineup has certainly been a factor in 22's resurgence in ALF Cup. Your last title was five years ago, and in that time there was plenty of cast turnover...

MF: The idea is, and I'm not sure we've pulled it off completely yet, is to take advantage of the skills of the cast we have in the present and try not to be weighed down by what we used to do. If we have people who do monologues we'll do monologues; if they're great mimics we'll do impressions. If we stay basically rooted in Canadian pop culture (which obviously is influenced by U.S. pop culture) and current events, we should be okay.


22's current cast (aka the "Halifax Five"): (l-r) Geri Hall, Gavin Crawford, Cathy Jones, Shaun Majumder and Mark Critch

DS: You even took a turn behind the desk yourself, and we also remember you 'round these parts from The Newsroom. Which brings me to my next question, whatever happened to Mark Farrell? Are you happier behind the scenes, writing and producing? Or can we expect to see you in any future projects?

MF: Not too many people remember the Newsroom (or that I did a week on the 22 desk way back in Season 6; I wasn't the showrunner then BTW, the next week there was a CBC technician strike and during that work stoppage Rick Mercer, who had decided to leave midway through Season 6, returned. He then did Season 7 and left after that) so thanks for the mention.

I'm not unhappy behind the scenes; acting is a more of a crapshoot. It's much harder for me to get acting work, especially given my range. I can basically play myself, or slight variations of myself. I've done a cameo on Corner Gas and on Made in Canada when it was on.

Basically, to get acting work, I have to be a writer or a producer on it, so that when they're stuck someone can say, "Hey just get Mark to do it."

DS: 22 won 3 ALF Cups with the original lineup, then Rick left right after the 3rd win (beating Whose Line in the final, ironically), then Colin Mochrie came on board and 22 won #4, beating Rick's show Made In Canada in the final.

Thus began perhaps the most famous rivalry in ALF Cup competition. And of course there was the Spring 2007 'basho' final between 22 and RMR. Over the past few years 22 has taken the occasional jab at RMR, leaving some of us to wonder about the nature of Rick's departure, and whether it was amicable or not.

Do you feel there's a 22-RMR rivalry? If so, how intense is it, is it a friendly one or not?

MF: There's not much of a rivalry to be honest. RMR consistently does much better ratings and Rick is one of Canada's (few) big stars. We have taken a few jabs (three years ago) but that's more to do with his popularity and the fact that people know who he is.

So things are pretty amicable between the two shows. A lot of people have worked on both and in my other jobs I used to work with Supervising Producer/ headwriter Paul Mather) on his show and we're on right after them now so we consult to make sure that we're not doing the same joke.

Right now, it's a good hour for CBC. Rick does great, and while we would like to hold more of his lead-in, we're doing pretty well too.

Sorry. wish I gave you more controversial answers.


22's original cast (aka the "Halifax Four"): (l-r) Mary Walsh, Greg Thomey, Cathy Jones and Rick Mercer

DS: That's quite alright, I personally prefer a friendly rivalry. Even Air Farce seems to get in a jab at 22 or RMR now and then and vice versa. But the entire CBC comedy collective is always formidable here in ALF Cup.

Actually, "After Rick Before Tudors" seemed like a fair shot at the CBC itself.

MF: I'm glad you liked the After Rick Before Tudors episode; the network played along and changed their packaging as well. It was quite fun. The reality is we do have a great slot, Rick's numbers are their highest in this his fifth year.

DS: It seems as though there's a yearly threat of possible CBC budget cuts. How much does that pressure weigh on you guys?

MF: To be honest, the pressure I feel isn't so much related to me or the cast or the writers. We film in Halifax and in the CBC here. Other than 22, there's not a lot going on out of (wow three prepositions in a row) the Halifax plant (there are other things like the Halifax Comedy Festival; but no on-going series, though hopefully that will change). So other than the pressure of wanting to do a good show I want the show to keep going because I like living in Halifax.

I think the show does fill a niche in Canada. I like episodes of our show that contain material that no one else would do, either because of its tone, or Canadian-ness.

DS: So no need for fans to worry about the often-threatened budget cuts? Do you feel being based in Halifax keeps 22 out of danger?

MF: Budget cuts to CBC? That's out of our control, but people are watching us and we're not that expensive so we always have a good chance of being renewed.

In terms of the Halifax thing, if the CBC is in a mood that says the regions are important then being in Halifax helps. If they're not in that mood it hurts. Now determining what mood they're in? That's left to people smarter than me.



DS: With the current writer's strike down here, this might be a good time for Canadian shows in general to increase their fan base in the States. Any plans for that?

MF: I suppose the strike means networks are looking at Canadian shows more than they normally would, but there are no plans here to change the way we do the show because of the strike.

DS: Air Farce tried a few years ago to follow in Red Green's steps, but 'de-Canadianized' themselves by taking out certain bits (like Preston Manning stuff, since only people like me or my pal knew who he was [he was hilarious, gosh we miss him!]). Of course, Little Mosque is doing well outside Canada now, and WGN just picked up Corner Gas. Do you think 22 can catch on with the average Yank without 'de-Canuckifying' things too much?

MF: We tend to focus on what would work for a Canadian audience, of course since most people in Canada are bombarded with American Pop Culture, that means we can do parodies of American shows, personalities etc.

DS: You think you're bombarded with it, try being stuck down here! I'm very lucky to have grown up with a CBC affiliate on our cable system, to get at least some of the opposite of that bombardment. So thanks for staying Canadian, I learn a lot about my virtual homeland from 22, et al.

What are some of the main comedy influences on your cast and writers?

MF: The influences vary on the individual I guess. But the comedies I watch today are The Office, Earl, 30 Rock, Daily Show, Colbert and SNL which personally I think was having a great season.

The show that influenced me most comedically was The Simpsons.

DS: I just happen to have a 22 rerun on as I write this...the Bell/Telus bit. Also saw the one the other day about "the notion of a motion of a nation"...etc. Who came up with those? They're fantastic!

MF: I'm not one hundred per cent sure but I think both those were the brainchild of my then head writer Kevin White. A truly funny writer who is now the show-runner for Corner Gas.

DS: Speaking of Corner Gas, I must admit I haven't watched it yet, but I've just set my DVR for upcoming eps, and it will be vying for ALF Cup rookie honors in '08. For those of us who are new to CG, can you give us some background on it and what we can expect?

MF: It's basically Brent Butt's brainchild. He's described it as what his life might have been like if he had stayed in small-town Saskatchewan and not gone into stand-up.


Brent Butt in Corner Gas

Brent Leroy owns and runs a gas station which is attached to a restaurant. As the series begins Lacey Burrows has just moved from Toronto back to small-town Saskatchewan. The early episodes deal with her fitting in with the people in the town, Dog River.

Other characters are Brent's parents, two police officers, Brent's best friend Hank, and his best (only employee) Wanda. Since I was involved from the beginning, probably not the best for me to say how good it is. But it is doing quite well in Canada...

It's a pretty straight forward single camera comedy. We don't hide the fact we're Canadian, but a huge knowledge of Canada isn't necessary.

DS: Sounds good, I'm on board!

Getting back to 22, what can we look forward to in early '08? For example, which recurring characters will we likely see more of (or less of)?

MF: Hopefully more Mark Jackson, we didn't use him enough before Christmas.

DS: And lastly, I hope you will indulge me in a blatant ripoff of Inside The Actors Studio, as we end with the famous questionnaire 'invented' by Bernard Pivot:


Will Ferrell (spelled different, no relation) as James Lipton

Mark Farrell...What is your favorite word?

MF: Flabbergasted.

DS: What is your least favorite word?

MF: Separate (I can never spell it right).

DS: What turns you on, what inspires you?

MF: A great joke heard for the first time.

DS: What turns you off?

MF: A hacky joke heard for the millionth time.

DS: What sound or noise do you love?

MF: The sound a well-hit golf ball makes.

DS: What sound or noise do you hate?

MF: The sound a mis-hit golf ball makes.

DS: What is your favorite curse word?

MF: Fuck.

DS: What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?

MF: Touring golf professional.

DS: What profession would you not like to attempt?

MF: Bagpipe instructor.

DS: And finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

MF: Fuck, I'm flabbergasted you're here!

THIS HOUR HAS 22 MINUTES can be seen Tuesdays at 8:30 pm ET on CBC (Buckeye Cable channel 59 in Toledo), after the Rick Mercer Report and before jPod.

RELATED LINKS:
22minutes.com
nathanfielder.com
shaunmajumder.com
gerihall.com
cornergas.com
cbc.ca

TO ALL MY FELLOW OHIO STATE FANS...

I remind you all that there is no true national champion, never has been, and never will be until there is a playoff system. Saying LSU are the national champs is like saying George W...well, you know.

So remember, Buckeye fans...IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!

Now, watch the clip below and repeat as needed at your favorite Buckeye hangout.

KARAOKE RECAP--1/2/2008

It's been quite a while since I did one of these, but tonight was a strange and fun night, so here we go!

I decided to go straight from work to karaoke, but I didn't have my man-purse full of song slips with me. So I decided en route to do karaoke roulette, in which you let others pick your songs for you, and you don't know what you're singing until the intro starts.

Doug and Micki started me off easy with a few songs I'd done before, then Doug hits me with "Still Of The Night" by Whitesnake, which Vivian occasionally does at my regular show, if for no other reason than to have me do this schtick we came up with in the middle of the song where, at one point, I attempt to sing "rubber baby buggy bumpers" 18 times in a row in one breath, which we determined is the karaoke equivalent of Tony Hawk's 900. I have succeeded at it only twice so far. But this time I had to do the whole song myself, including the schtick. I had to low-ball the vocals, and sadly I didn't complete the "900".

Now before I cover the next song, I must tell you all about a few weeks ago when some people wanted Doug and me to do "Paradise By The Dashboard Light". Since I can't hit Meat Loaf's range, I volunteer to do the female part. Not long after I started in on it, I realize I'm sounding like Flip Wilson's character, Geraldine, a voice I've been able to do since I was 5. It got laughs from the mostly older crowd, so I went all out with it.

Okay, back to tonight...karaoke komrade Nic puts a song in for me. The intro starts..."I Touch Myself". Oy. This is gonna suck balls. But at the very last second before I start, I decide to do it as Geraldine. "I don't want anybody else, Killer! WOOOOO!" etc. Again, this goes over well, but at certain points it occurs to me that I'm not far off from sounding like Axl Rose. I point this out, and work in a line or two of "Sweet Child O' Mine". Toward the end I go over and give Nic a bit of a lap dance as revenge. NEVER fuck with the master, bitch!

My next turn, Doug picks one out. You guessed it..."Sweet Child O' Mine". Natch, I start doing it as Geraldine. About a verse in, I am switching between Geraldine and an attempt at an actual Axl voice. "Okay, folks, now I'm doing Geraldine doing Axl," I point out. "This is some high-concept shit!"

Later Nic picked out "Margaritaville" and "American Pie", but I ended up doing "Marijuanaville" and "The Saga Begins" instead.

One he picked that ended up working quite well was "Rocket Man". Of course I started out doing it as Shatner ("I'm a rock-IT man!"), but then I decided to do it straight. (Well, as straight as one can do an Elton John song. *rim shot*) I'll have to do that one more often.

PS: After I got home I realized that I wasn't really doing Axl so much as I was doing Adam Sandler doing Axl. But I was doing it as Geraldine. So it was even more high-concept than I thought: Me doing Flip Wilson doing Geraldine doing Adam Sandler doing Axl Rose! It's imitation-on-imitation crime!

What can I say? "The devil made me do it! WOOOOOOOO!!!"

AND MOVING RIGHT ALONG, THE FIRST ENTRY FOR 2008 ROOKIE OF THE YEAR...

The Whitest Kids U'Know

2007 ELITE 11

Weird year. I'll leave it at that.

The Elite 8 has been expanded with three new categories. The annual SOTY (Song Of The Year) tournament is still in progress. The rest of the year-end awards have been decided:

Rookie Of The Year: Hedwig And The Angry Inch
Honorable Mention: Richard Dawkins, Stevans

Album Of The Year: the self-titled debut album by Stevans
HM: "Life Is Worth Losing"--George Carlin, "Super Taranta"--Gogol Bordello, "Hedwig And The Angry Inch" soundtrack, "Release The Stars"--Rufus Wainwright

Catch Phrase Of The Year: "I sneezed"--Ducksoup
HM: "Thank you for shopping with us"

The Carl Sagan Award (Movie Of The Year): "Hedwig And The Angry Inch"
HM: Frankly, no other movie even came close

The Trio Award (Commercial Of The Year): Jack In The Box--Stoner
HM: Again, can't think of any worthy runners-up

Music Video Of The Year: "Hedwig And The Angry Inch" (the entire movie)
HM: "Pachelbel Rant"--Rob Paravonian

Website Of The Year: Pandora
HM: The Steve Dahl Show, Jigsawdoku, Youtube

Comeback Of The Year: Garry Meier
HM: none

Quote Of The Year: "The planet, hell! What about my nuts?"--David Suzuki
HM: "But we've GOT to have AIDS before we pee in her eye socket!"--Beary Bear, Woodland Critters, South Park

Johnny Carson Award (Corpse Of The Year--the person who died this past year who we'll miss most): Tom Snyder
HM: Larry Bud Melman, Charles Nelson Reilly, Don Herbert, Marcel Marceau, Evel Knievel, Terry Armour

The 2007 SOTY results will be posted here as soon as the tournament is finished.

Happy new year everybody, and don't forget to set your calendars ahead.

CORRECTION

A few months ago I said Troy Polamalu looked like a Doobie Brother. I hereby retract that statement. Now he looks like Charlie Manson!

CHEAP

I only remember the end of the dream I had the other day...I was just about to shoot a bad guy (sort of a mafia hitman type) who was just about my size. I really liked the suit he was wearing, so I tried to get him to take it off before I shot him so as not to ruin it. He refused.

"Okay, at least take the jacket part off," I begged.

"Why?"

"So when I wear it the jacket part will cover up the bullet hole and the blood stain."

"Screw that, you can just sew up the hole, and most good detergents will get the blood out!"

"Too much work, besides, I can't sew."

"Jeez...why don't you just shoot me in the fucking head, dumbass?"

"Oh, yeah, right. Why didn't I think of that?"

*BANG*

HAPPY TWEAKSGIVING!

So I'm at work a couple of weeks ago, waiting for a new project to start, and there's a delay. A co-worker tells me the supervisors are probably tweaking the project. "Either that or they're just tweaking," I joke. This somehow leads to a handful of 'tweak' puns, then I get on a roll, and eventually we have buried ourselves in an avalanche of 'tweak' puns.

I have since compiled over 300 of them, and I have decided to post them here in what I am calling Tweaksgiving 2007. I tried to group similar ones together, and I've included explanations for some of the more obscure references.

Enjoy, if you can! (And if you think of any good ones I may have missed, please feel free to send them to me at askduckpond2007@sacbeemail.com.)

TWEAKSGIVING 2007
A1 Tweak Sauce
"Ain't She Tweak?"
Allow 4-6 tweaks for delivery
'...and she emerges with one squirming in her tweak...' (from the song "Lesbian Seagull" by Tom Wilson Weinberg)
As ye sow, so shall ye tweak
AutoTweak Magazine
Blue Tweak (Cedar Point)
Dr. Bunson Honeydew and his assistant Tweaker
Butterball Tweaky
Calgon, tweak me away!
Cursing up a blue tweak
Dancing tweak to tweak
Days Of The Tweak (SCTV skit)
Do a double tweak
"Do You Want To Know A Tweakret?"
"Don't Tweak" (No Doubt)
Don't tweak any wooden nickels
Don't tweak back
Don't tweak life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive
Drive-By Tweakers
Earthtweak
"Eight Days A Tweak"
Emerson, Tweak and Palmer
"Every Breath You Tweak"
Fantastweak Four
"Flavor Of The Tweak"
Forrest Tweaker (actor Tucker)
Freaks And Tweaks (or Tweaks And Geeks)
Friar Tweak
"Get Ur Tweak On"
Gimme A Tweak
Go ahead, tweak my day
Great Tweaks (Tweak Erie, etc.)
High tweaks poker
"Hit The Hi-Tweak Groove" (Pop Will Eat Itself)
Hostess Tweakies (Tweakie The Kid, "Tweakies have three holes", etc.)
Hostile tweakover
"I Get Tweak" (Belinda Carlisle)
I have a tweak back...I got it about a tweak back
"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tweak..."
"I'm a little tweakpot..."
"I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna tweak this anymore!"
Intweak manifold
'Is you tweakin?' (R. Kelly)
It Tweaks A Thief
It tweaks two to tango
"It's Tweaky" (Run-DMC)
"Jailtweak" (Thin Lizzy)
Jimmy The Tweak
Jive tweaking
"Jump down, spin around, tweak a bale o' cotton..."
"Just a pinch between the tweak and gums"
Kentweaky
Kentweaky bluegrass
Kentweaky Derby
Kentweaky Fried Chicken
"Kentweaky Woman"
Kiss and tweak up
Kon-Twiki
"Lee, Tweako, Youngblood!" (The Untouchables)
Let's Tweak A Deal
Lost Tweakend
Loudtweaker
Maurice Tweaks (Philadelphia 76ers)
Mean Tweak (Cedar Point)
Mistweaken identity
Mo'Twique
My Little Tweakadee
Newstweak Magazine
9 1/2 Tweaks
"19th Nervous Tweakdown"
98-pound tweakling
No tweaking
Not to be tweaken lightly
On Her Majesty's Tweakret Service
"One Tweak" (Barenaked Ladies)
One Tweak Pony
Outback Tweakhouse
Pace Tweakante sauce
Parting is such tweak sorrow
"Pencil Neck Tweak" (Fred Blassie)
Pike's Tweak
Pledge tweak
Quarterback tweak
Ritweakulous
See no evil, hear no evil, tweak no evil (have no fun)
Shredded Tweak
"Silly rabbit, Tweaks are for kids!"
Silver Tweak
Silversun Tweakups
Slow on the uptweak
Spring a tweak
Star Tweak (The Next Generation, etc.)
Stereo tweakers
Supercalifragilistweakexpialidocious
"Supertweak" (Rick James)
Sweeps tweaks
Tanya Tweaker
Testweakles
That Was The Tweak That Was
The love that dare not tweak its name
"They're Coming To Tweak Me Away, Ha-Haaa!"
"This Is Our Countweak" (John Mellencamp)
This place could use a Tweakup
This Tweak With George Snuffleupagus (or however you spell it)
"Tie A Yellow Ribbon 'Round The Old Oak Tweak"
"Time to tweak the donuts..."
Trash-tweaking
Tri-Tweaks solitaire
Trick or tweak (or Tweak or treat)
Turning tweaks
"The Tweak" (Ray Stevens)
Tweak-a-boo
"Tweak-A-Boom" (Daddy Dewdrop)
"Tweak A Chance On Me" (Abba)
"Tweak a little trip..." ("Low Rider")
Tweak-A-Mole
Tweak-A-Mouse
Tweak a number
"Tweak A Picture" (Filter)
Tweak a picture, it'll last longer
Tweak a piss
Tweak a powder
Tweak a shit
Tweak a shower
"Tweak a walk on the wild side..."
Tweak all you want, but eat all you tweak
The Tweak Amigos
Tweak and eggs
"Tweak And Innocent" (Donny Osmond)
"Tweak And Powerless" (A Perfect Circle)
Tweak and ye shall find
Tweak Antifreeze
Tweak Caballeros
"Tweak Caroline" (BA BA BA!)
"Tweak Child O' Mine"
Tweak Coins In A Fountainbleau
Tweak Corea
Tweak Days Of The Condor
"Tweak Dirty To Me" (Poison)
Tweak Doors Down
A tweak 'em game
"Tweak Emotion" (Aerosmith)
Tweak five
"Tweak For Two"
"Tweak Georgia Brown"
Tweak germ
Tweak havoc
Tweak Hearn
Tweak in the knees
"Tweak Is A Magic Number"
"Tweak It Easy" (Eagles)
Tweak it on the chin
"Tweak It To Them Gently" (Burton Cummings)
"Tweak It To The Limit" (Eagles)
"Tweak It Up" (The Cars)
Tweak it with a grain of salt
"Tweak me as I am..." (Chicago)
"Tweak Me Home" (Julian Lennon)
"Tweak Me Out" (Franz Ferdinand)
"Tweak Me Out To The Ballgame"
"Tweak Me To The River" (Tweaking Heads)
Tweak me to your leader
Tweak Musketeers
"Tweak my wife...please"
Tweak mythology
Tweak 'n' Shake (or Steak 'n' Tweak)
Tweak nothings
Tweak of the litter
"Tweak On Me" (A-Ha)
Tweak one's interest
"Tweak Out (Le Tweak)"
Tweak peas
Tweak performance
"Tweak Plastic Trees" (Radiohead)
Tweak Radio
Tweak, rattle and roll
The tweak shall inherit the earth
Tweak Slayton (astronaut Deke)
Tweak softly and carry a big tweak
The Tweak Stooges
"Tweak Stuff" (Limp Bizkit)
Tweak support
Tweak-tac-toe
"Tweak The 'A' Train"
Tweak the bad with the good
"Tweak The Bismarck"
Tweak the bus
Tweak the cake
Tweak the high road
Tweak the light fantastweak
"Tweak The Skinheads Bowling" (Camper Van Beethoven)
Tweak things through
Tweak Thins
"Tweak This Job And Shove It"
"Tweak To Me/Breathe" (Pink Floyd)
Tweak-tock
Tweak tooth
Tweak tragedy
"Tweak Transvestite"
"Tweak Tweak" (by Tweak Tweak, from the album "Tweak Tweak")
"Tweak Tweak Boom" (Saliva)
Tweak two aspirin and call me in the morning
Tweak up
Tweak up for lost time
Tweak you later
Tweak you very much
Tweak your booty
Tweak your groove thang
"Tweak Your Junk" (Minko)
Tweak your lumps
Tweak your medicine
"Tweak Your Tailfeather"
Tweak-Fil-A
Tweak-Ums
Tweak's Company
Tweakachu
Tweakamole
Tweakazoid
Tweakback Mountain (or Broketweak Mountain)
"Tweakdown" (Tom Petty)
Tweaked Witch Of The West
Tweaken aback
"Tweakend In New England" (Barry Manilow)
Tweakenspiel
Tweakenstein
"The Tweaker" (The Who)
Tweaker Carlson
Tweaker Circus
Tweaker Of The House
Tweaker: The Man And His Dream
"Tweaket To Ride"
Tweakfast
Tweakfast in bed
"Tweakfast At Tiffany's"
Tweakheart (childhood, "Good Night", etc.)
Tweaki torches
Tweakies Cereal ("We are the Tweakies...")
Tweakila (The Champs, Rose, Sunrise, Mockingbird, etc.)
"Tweakin'" (Eddie Money)
Tweakin' It (70s sitcom Makin' It)
"Tweakin' It To The Streets"
Tweaking a difference
Tweaking Away
"Tweaking Care Of Business"
Tweaking Heads
"Tweaking In Your Sleep" (The Romantics)
Tweaking it over
Tweaking of which...
Tweaking the fourth wall
"Tweaking The Law" (Judas Priest)
Tweaking time bomb
"Tweaking Whoopee"
Tweakitos
Tweakle Me Elmo
Tweakle Trunk (Mr. Dressup)
"Tweakle Tweakle Little Star"
Tweakletoes
Tweakly World News
"Tweako" ("Biko"--Peter Gabriel)
Tweako Bell
Tweako-Roman wrestling
"Tweako Suave" (Gerardo)
Tweako The Wonder Dog
"Tweakon Blue" (Steely Dan)
Tweakon Jones (NFL Hall Of Famer Deacon)
"Tweakret Agent Man"
Tweakret Squirrel
Tweakretariat
Tweaks and valleys
"The Tweaks Come Out At Night"
"Tweaks for the memories..."
Tweaks of the trade
Tweakshaw
Tweakshow
Tweakson 5ive (Michael Tweakson, etc.)
Tweakson (Andrew, Jesse, Browne, Pollock, et al.)
Tweakson, Michigan (or Mississippi)
Tweakspeare
Tweaktoberfest
"Tweakulator" (Ying Yang Twins)
TweakWar (William Shatner)
"Tweaky" (Toni Basil)
Tweaky Bird
Tweaky Dick (Nixon)
Tweaky faucet
Tweaky Friday
Tweaky Fromme
Tweaky monkey
Tweaky Mouse Club
Tweaky Races
Tweaky Ricardo (Martin, Schroeder, et al.)
Tweaky tobaccy
The tweaky wheel gets the grease
Tweax Ritter
Tweaxas (Rangers, "Yellow Rose Of", Two-Step, et al.)
Tweaxie Chicks
Tweaxieland
Tweaxt messaging
Tweking duck
Twin Tweaks
"Two Tweakets To Paradise"
US Tweakly
"Up On Cripple Tweak"
Victoria's Tweakret
"We're Not Gonna Tweak It"
What the tweak...?
"When you tweak of this, and I know you will, be kind"
"Whistle While You Tweak" (Ying Yang Twins)
Wide Open Countweak
Winning tweak
You are what you tweak
You can't teach an old dog new tweaks
Zorba The Tweak

Hope you enjoyed Tweaksgiving. Happy Turkey Day, and thanks for reading The Pond!

QUOTE DU JOUR

"In Pakistan, due to his scandalous administration, the military dictator Pervez Musharraf is squandering years of social progress by imposing emergency rule against an angry public, denying their right to protest and possibly suspending the upcoming elections. To learn more about this complicated topic, just watch American news and substitute the word 'Musharraf' for 'Bush'."

--Alan Park, Royal Canadian Air Farce

MIRACLE IN MISSISSIPPI

Watch and enjoy.

I'M STILL WORKING ON THE POUTINE QUEST RECAP, BUT FOR NOW...

From CBC's The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos, I hereby pass along the

TOP TEN MOST UNFORTUNATE NAMES

10. Olympic gold medal swimmer Misty Hyman
9. Former Japanese prime minister Noboru Takeshita
8. New York Islander Miroslav Satan
7. Race car driver Dick Trickle
6. Russian figure skater Irina Slutskaya
5. Former baseball player Rusty Kuntz
4. Former college football player Lucious Pusey
3. George Stroumboulopoulos
2. Korean director Kang Suk-Bum

And the number one most unfortunate name...

1. Brazilian geologist Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck