IDIOTIC STAT DU JOUR
Those of you who follow the goings-on at Wimbledon know they have a new roof over Centre Court. Well, get a load of this: If you count up all the letters in the names of the players remaining in men's and women's singles draws as of today, the middle Sunday of the fortnight, the ten most common letters are A, D, E, I, L, N, O, R, S, and V, which can be rearranged to spell "RAIN SOLVED". Whoa.
I have way too much free time.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
ED MCMAHON
1923-2009
The best sidekick Johnny, and ALF, could ever ask for. His laugh will echo through the ages.
Weird Al sang it best in his 1986 parody of El DeBarge's "Who's Johnny?":
There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line
"Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed McMahon's his name...all right
Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living
Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name
A very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name
1923-2009
The best sidekick Johnny, and ALF, could ever ask for. His laugh will echo through the ages.
Weird Al sang it best in his 1986 parody of El DeBarge's "Who's Johnny?":
There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line
"Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed McMahon's his name...all right
Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living
Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name
A very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
DO YOU NEED AN ENEMA?
Yep, that there is the title of my new parody song, based on Green Day's "Know Your Enemy". I premiered it this past Sunday at Claddagh's. I seem to have confused people with it. The response was rather...unsure. My karaoke komrade Bryan told me he thought it had too much stuff in it about asses and shit. Dude, what do you expect? It's a song about enemas!
I plan to perform it a few more times this week, come on out and see what you think of it. I should be at J.J.'s in Perrysburg on Thursday night, the Bier Stube on Friday night, and Buster Brown's in Maumee on Saturday night.
Or if you just want to read the lyrics and tell me if it rocks or sucks, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com
Yep, that there is the title of my new parody song, based on Green Day's "Know Your Enemy". I premiered it this past Sunday at Claddagh's. I seem to have confused people with it. The response was rather...unsure. My karaoke komrade Bryan told me he thought it had too much stuff in it about asses and shit. Dude, what do you expect? It's a song about enemas!
I plan to perform it a few more times this week, come on out and see what you think of it. I should be at J.J.'s in Perrysburg on Thursday night, the Bier Stube on Friday night, and Buster Brown's in Maumee on Saturday night.
Or if you just want to read the lyrics and tell me if it rocks or sucks, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
AN OPEN LETTER TO "ANDOG"
Re: Your postings of gas prices on ToledoGasPrices.com
Dear Sir,
STOP IT.
You know what I'm talking about. Your constant "REAL PRICE" comments you add to your price postings just because you can't be bothered to use REAL CASH. It is REAL STUPID and REAL ANNOYING to the rest of us who use the site, and you are just making yourself look like a REAL DOUCHEBAG. If you don't stop I will find you in REAL LIFE and shove your REAL CREDIT CARD up your REAL ASS! REALLY!
Again, STOP IT.
Sincerely,
--Ducksoup8253
Re: Your postings of gas prices on ToledoGasPrices.com
Dear Sir,
STOP IT.
You know what I'm talking about. Your constant "REAL PRICE" comments you add to your price postings just because you can't be bothered to use REAL CASH. It is REAL STUPID and REAL ANNOYING to the rest of us who use the site, and you are just making yourself look like a REAL DOUCHEBAG. If you don't stop I will find you in REAL LIFE and shove your REAL CREDIT CARD up your REAL ASS! REALLY!
Again, STOP IT.
Sincerely,
--Ducksoup8253
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I'LL SUE YA! (NOT!)
I emailed the folks at Smirnoff last week to suggest a new flavor, ruby red/sweet grapefruit. I'm sure they could put out something really good along those lines. Today I checked my inbox and found a long reply from someone named Richard that had the stink of the Smirnoff legal department all over it, explaining exhaustively how they don't take ideas or suggestions from outside the company. I was rather offended. Here's the gist of my reply:
"Spare me the legalese, Dick. I'm not looking to sue you guys for some cockamamie reason. My mother didn't raise me like that. All I'm saying is, hey, if you guys put out a grapefruit flavor I'll buy it. But thanks for assuming the worst. Sheesh. Maybe I should just stick to Diet Coke when I'm out at karaoke. --DJP"
I emailed the folks at Smirnoff last week to suggest a new flavor, ruby red/sweet grapefruit. I'm sure they could put out something really good along those lines. Today I checked my inbox and found a long reply from someone named Richard that had the stink of the Smirnoff legal department all over it, explaining exhaustively how they don't take ideas or suggestions from outside the company. I was rather offended. Here's the gist of my reply:
"Spare me the legalese, Dick. I'm not looking to sue you guys for some cockamamie reason. My mother didn't raise me like that. All I'm saying is, hey, if you guys put out a grapefruit flavor I'll buy it. But thanks for assuming the worst. Sheesh. Maybe I should just stick to Diet Coke when I'm out at karaoke. --DJP"
21ST CENTURY BREAKDOWN
The new Green Day album...yep, it sounds a lot like American Idiot 2. But it's still damn good. Sounds great in The Bus. "Know Your Enemy" and "21 Guns" seem to be the tracks that are getting the big push, and both deserve it. I can also recommend the following tracks:
"Last Night On Earth"--Very John Lennon-esque ballad, sure to be a single down the road. Can't wait for the karaoke version.
"Peacemaker"--A fun track that I have to believe was at least partially influenced by Gogol Bordello. In fact, I'd love to hear Gogol B cover this.
"Last Of The American Girls"--Sure to get airplay at some point. Just a hint of Weezer.
"[upside-down question mark]Viva La Gloria? (Little Girl)"--Very Brechtian. Would make for an excellent mashup with The Doors' "Alabama Song". (Party Ben, I'm looking in your direction!)
The new Green Day album...yep, it sounds a lot like American Idiot 2. But it's still damn good. Sounds great in The Bus. "Know Your Enemy" and "21 Guns" seem to be the tracks that are getting the big push, and both deserve it. I can also recommend the following tracks:
"Last Night On Earth"--Very John Lennon-esque ballad, sure to be a single down the road. Can't wait for the karaoke version.
"Peacemaker"--A fun track that I have to believe was at least partially influenced by Gogol Bordello. In fact, I'd love to hear Gogol B cover this.
"Last Of The American Girls"--Sure to get airplay at some point. Just a hint of Weezer.
"[upside-down question mark]Viva La Gloria? (Little Girl)"--Very Brechtian. Would make for an excellent mashup with The Doors' "Alabama Song". (Party Ben, I'm looking in your direction!)
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
"Wow, what a lineup. But look at meeeee!"--The Flying Pig, from The Kids In The Hall
A text message from my friend Kat (I'm paraphrasing...or am I paratexting?):
"Some people said we'd have a black president when pigs flew...well, here we are, 100 days into Obama's presidency, and sure enough...SWINE FLU!
***
BTW, coming soon, my picks for the all-time greatest Don Martin sound effects. Stay tuned.
A text message from my friend Kat (I'm paraphrasing...or am I paratexting?):
"Some people said we'd have a black president when pigs flew...well, here we are, 100 days into Obama's presidency, and sure enough...SWINE FLU!
***
BTW, coming soon, my picks for the all-time greatest Don Martin sound effects. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
MARK "THE BIRD" FIDRYCH
1954-2009
Perhaps my favorite baseball player ever. I was lucky enough to get to see him pitch in person, back at The Ned against the Hens when he was with Pawtucket. I think every MLB pitcher playing tomorrow should tell their ball, "The Bird says goodbye."
We also bid farewell to legendary sportscaster Harry Kalas and legendary porn star Marilyn Chambers. You know those celeb deaths, they come in threes. Strange that this trio all had something to do with balls. One talked to them, one talked about them, and one sucked them.
No Fidrych, no Kalas, no Chambers, shit.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
TUNA POT PIE
Does anyone reading this know of any restaurant in the Toledo area that serves a decent tuna pot pie? If so, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com. Seriously.
Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but for some strange reason I really need some tuna pot pie. (Sure, I could make my own, but I'm a lazy sumbitch.)
Does anyone reading this know of any restaurant in the Toledo area that serves a decent tuna pot pie? If so, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com. Seriously.
Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but for some strange reason I really need some tuna pot pie. (Sure, I could make my own, but I'm a lazy sumbitch.)
Thursday, April 09, 2009
THOUGHTS ON BILL O'REILLY AND SQUEAKY THE CHICAGO MOUSE
By Roger Ebert / April 7, 2009
To: Bill O'Reilly
From: Roger Ebert
Dear Bill: Thanks for including the Chicago Sun-Times on your exclusive list of newspapers on your "Hall of Shame." To be in an O'Reilly Hall of Fame would be a cruel blow to any newspaper. It would place us in the favor of a man who turns red and starts screaming when anyone disagrees with him. My grade-school teacher, wise Sister Nathan, would have called in your parents and recommended counseling with Father Hogben.
Yes, the Sun-Times is liberal, having recently endorsed our first Democrat for President since LBJ. We were founded by Marshall Field one week before Pearl Harbor to provide a liberal voice in Chicago to counter the Tribune, which opposed an American war against Hitler. I'm sure you would have sided with the Trib at the time.
I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that "very few" readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, "many more complained about Nancy." I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that "wow" was "mom" spelled upside-down.
Your column ran in our paper while it was owned by the right-wing polemicists Conrad Black (Baron Black of Coldharbour) and David Radler. We dropped it to save a little money after they looted the paper of millions. Now you call for an advertising boycott. It is unusual to observe a journalist cheering for a newspaper to fail. At present the Sun-Times has no bank debt, but labors under the weight of millions of dollars in tax penalties incurred by Lord Black, who is serving an eight-year stretch for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. We also had to pay for his legal expenses.
There is a major difference between Conrad Black and you: Lord Black is a much better writer and thinker, and authored a respected biography about Roosevelt, who we were founded to defend. That newspapers continue to run your column is a mystery to me, since it is composed of knee-jerk frothings and ravings. If I were an editor searching for a conservative, I wouldn't choose a mad dog. My recommendation: The admirable Charles Krauthammer.
Bill, I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician?
That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: "Raise the bridge! I have an erection!"
By Roger Ebert / April 7, 2009
To: Bill O'Reilly
From: Roger Ebert
Dear Bill: Thanks for including the Chicago Sun-Times on your exclusive list of newspapers on your "Hall of Shame." To be in an O'Reilly Hall of Fame would be a cruel blow to any newspaper. It would place us in the favor of a man who turns red and starts screaming when anyone disagrees with him. My grade-school teacher, wise Sister Nathan, would have called in your parents and recommended counseling with Father Hogben.
Yes, the Sun-Times is liberal, having recently endorsed our first Democrat for President since LBJ. We were founded by Marshall Field one week before Pearl Harbor to provide a liberal voice in Chicago to counter the Tribune, which opposed an American war against Hitler. I'm sure you would have sided with the Trib at the time.
I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that "very few" readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, "many more complained about Nancy." I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that "wow" was "mom" spelled upside-down.
Your column ran in our paper while it was owned by the right-wing polemicists Conrad Black (Baron Black of Coldharbour) and David Radler. We dropped it to save a little money after they looted the paper of millions. Now you call for an advertising boycott. It is unusual to observe a journalist cheering for a newspaper to fail. At present the Sun-Times has no bank debt, but labors under the weight of millions of dollars in tax penalties incurred by Lord Black, who is serving an eight-year stretch for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. We also had to pay for his legal expenses.
There is a major difference between Conrad Black and you: Lord Black is a much better writer and thinker, and authored a respected biography about Roosevelt, who we were founded to defend. That newspapers continue to run your column is a mystery to me, since it is composed of knee-jerk frothings and ravings. If I were an editor searching for a conservative, I wouldn't choose a mad dog. My recommendation: The admirable Charles Krauthammer.
Bill, I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician?
That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: "Raise the bridge! I have an erection!"
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
ALF CUP 2009
The ALF Cup scoring system underwent another major overhaul for this season, and so far it's working quite well. Only new (or new-to-me) episodes are scored, and each episode is scored by itself on a scale of 0 to 10 (10 being best). A minimum of 6 episodes is needed for a show's average score to count in the official standings. So this is about as close to the traditional ratings system as I can get.
The season is well underway, but I was waiting until ten shows had aired at least 6 episodes each before posting the current standings. And in scoring the first '10' of the season last night, former champ Family Guy has vaulted into the top spot. Here's the standings after the first 12 weeks:
1. Family Guy, FOX, 7.833
2. Look Around You, TOON, 7.000
2. Nitro Circus, MTV, 7.000
4. The Rick Mercer Report, CBC, 6.889
5. Important Things, COM, 6.714
6. The Whitest Kids U'Know, IFC, 6.667
7. This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC, 6.111
8. Wilfred, IFC, 5.286
9. American Dad, FOX, 4.889
10. Lost, ABC, 4.364
Yeah, I know. This is all really pathetic. Shoot bullets through me. But a hobby's a hobby.
The ALF Cup scoring system underwent another major overhaul for this season, and so far it's working quite well. Only new (or new-to-me) episodes are scored, and each episode is scored by itself on a scale of 0 to 10 (10 being best). A minimum of 6 episodes is needed for a show's average score to count in the official standings. So this is about as close to the traditional ratings system as I can get.
The season is well underway, but I was waiting until ten shows had aired at least 6 episodes each before posting the current standings. And in scoring the first '10' of the season last night, former champ Family Guy has vaulted into the top spot. Here's the standings after the first 12 weeks:
1. Family Guy, FOX, 7.833
2. Look Around You, TOON, 7.000
2. Nitro Circus, MTV, 7.000
4. The Rick Mercer Report, CBC, 6.889
5. Important Things, COM, 6.714
6. The Whitest Kids U'Know, IFC, 6.667
7. This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC, 6.111
8. Wilfred, IFC, 5.286
9. American Dad, FOX, 4.889
10. Lost, ABC, 4.364
Yeah, I know. This is all really pathetic. Shoot bullets through me. But a hobby's a hobby.
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