YO QUIERO TACO WARS

"LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMBLLLLLLE!"

In this corner, weighing in at...ah, hell, I don't know how much they weigh, and it's not much of a battle, so let's just get to it, shall we?

TACO BELL'S "CRUNCHY" TACO vs BURGER KING'S "CRISPY" TACO

TB's "Crunchy" has been a perennial fave, but in recent years has slipped in the taste department, primarily due to TB's sudden prejudice against yellow corn shells. Why the white corn shells? For our health? Look, I've said this before about the lack of salt on my french fries at the burger joints, and it applies here too: If I were the type who was concerned about my health or my sodium intake, I wouldn't be eating drive-thru in the first place! I expect salt on my fries and yellow corn shells under and around my taco filling!

And speaking of taco filling, would someone please explain to me what is with that pumpkin-y aftertaste I get a couple of hours after eating at TB? It's creepy. But I digress. Back to the white shells, they seem to crumble more than the ol' yellers. Also, TB tacos are often way too heavy on lettuce and way too light on cheese. If I wanted lettuce I'd eat a salad. And as ALF once said about salad, "That's not food, that's the stuff food eats." So, while I still dig on TB tacos, they've been developing serious problems. I suggest therapy.

As for the challengers, I had heard good things about the BK taco from Chicago radio legend Steve Dahl, who compares them to Jack-In-The-Box "Super" tacos, which I'd gladly sample except that the nearest JITBs are in the greater St. Louis area. The JITB taco is said to be a good hangover cure, but I can't vouch for that, since after Degauss got me drunk I was in no condition to drive anywhere, especially St. Louis.

The first time I tried BK's "Crispy" the ingredients were different than they have been since. The first version had no cheese and a half slice of tomato in the center. Normally I pass on tomatoes, but I had waited so long to try the BK taco I threw my tomato-phobia to the wind and tucked in. The BK taco is so thoroughly smothered in taco sauce that I hardly noticed the tomato. By the second try the tomato was gone and there was now some melted cheese (kind of so-so cheese, but hey, it was melted!) inside. Much more to my liking. But still drowned in sauce. Very hot, very spicy, and very bad for my heat-sensitive taste buds. But if you like that sort of thing, go for it. I personally give the nod on that point to TB.

Where BK really shines is how their taco holds together. Part of TB's problem is the wide open nature of their shells. BK's shell, thanks in large part to the gallon of sauce, is not as dry and also it's closed more at the top. This is great if you're driving and don't want ingredients dropping out like stoned college students. But if you're the type who likes the impromptu taco salad formed by TB's lack of cohesion, you won't get it from BK.

Finally, in the price department, BK has the edge at 2 for 99 cents. But of course if you want an odd number of tacos, BK says go fuck yourself.

So in conclusion, if there was a way to combine the good points of each, and eliminate the drawbacks such as BK's excessive spiciness and TB's lack of cohesion, we might have one hell of a taco. As it stands now, I can still dig on either one.

[Now, as a sort of postscript, I should mention at this time that it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote the first draft of this, so to be fair, just the other night I gave both of our contestants a final back-to-back showdown. Lately, I have learned to ask for light or even no sauce on the BK taco, and it makes a world of difference. But there was a noticeable difference in the quality of the ingredients. The price is a dead giveaway. Only when sampled in succession does one notice that TB has a clear edge in ingredient quality. But on this particular night the TB tacos fell to pieces like Jimmy Swaggart in his "I have sinned against you" speech.]

So in conclusion, when you put TB and BK face-to-face in a knock-down, drag-out street fight, only one true winner emerges. The winner, and still champion of the Taco Wars, is...

EL TIPICO!

"Huh?!" I hear you all exclaim. But no, seriously, the best tacos I've ever had are right down the street within walking distance of my house. Simple little family-O&O'ed authentic Mexican place. Back when I was but a lad and one of my friends or I would steal money from our mom's purse, we'd go down the street to ET and I'd pig out on the #8 plate (5 tacos). Just as I did the last time I was down there a few weeks ago (except this time I didn't steal money from my mom...she's dead now, after all), and the #8 was still 5 tacos and they're still the best. Too bad there's not a drive-thru or I'd have them more often. Anyway, if any of my friends reading this are interested I'll treat, and you can judge for yourself.

[Note: Taco The Wonder Dog was not eligible for this contest. Frankly I have no interest in finding out what he tastes like.]