JOHNNY CARSON

King of comedy and sharp-dressed man

October 23, 1925-January 23, 2005

JOHNNY, I BID YOU A VERY HEARTFELT GOODNIGHT.

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

In that small café
The park across the way
The children’s carousel
The chestnut tree
The wishing well

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day
In everything that’s light and gay
I’ll always think of you that way

I’ll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll be seeing you

KARAOKE RECAPS

SAT JAN 15, MUTZ, 4 SONGS

NEW--Polk Salad Annie--Tony Joe White--Dahl played some TJW recently, this is the only TJW that PKE has, so I took it on. Wanted to be sure to get the grunts right. I did, but that was about it.
Tuesday's Gone--Lynyrd Skynyrd
NEW--American Idiot--Green Day--Stole the slip. I think I did good except for breathing right. On the line "I'm not part of a redneck agenda" I changed "redneck" to "red state".
Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand--Had 3 songs picked out to finish on, I took a vote among my comrades, this won.

MON JAN 17, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS

NEW--You Get What You Give--New Radicals--Felt compelled to try it for some reason. Did a so-so job. The high notes are tricky and that whole bit at the end about Hanson and Marilyn Manson etc. is nearly impossible.
NEW--White Houses--Vanessa Carlton--Heard it on Dahl. She has a cute voice, and she's singing about losing her virginity, which makes it even hotter. I, of course, had to perform a sex-change on the lyrics, and to make it fit my own experience.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--See Ducksoup defy the laws of physics! Hear him sing notes of dizzying heights! And all without a safety net!

WED JAN 19, CENTER COURT, 1 SONG

Fat Girls--Ducksoup--Took another shot. I think the problem is that not enough people know the original. I might have to re-apply the concept to a more well-known song. That or just memorize "Baby Got Back", but so many people sing that that it's lost its impact. What's a chubby-chasing karaokaholic to do?

KARAOKE RECAP: WED JAN 12, CENTER COURT LOUNGE, 1 SONG

Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--What is with me and this song?! Maybe it's that my nailing a high-up song like this seems to defy some fundamental law of physics. And of course, I'm nothing if not defiant.

KARAOKE RECAPS:

SATURDAY, JANUARY 8, MUTZ, 6 SONGS

For the first 3-4 songs it was just me and Doug. Just like the old days at Mugzie's. (sigh) Memories...

Turn The Page--Bob Seger--On my mind since NYE. The lady friend can sing it in the car, hoping to convince her she can sing it at karaoke as well.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--Not quite sick of it yet.
Not For You--Pearl Jam
Outside--Staind--14th time for this one. There's one tricky spot where my voice cracks every now and then. Dammit.
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--14th time for this one, so they're still tied for first. Wanted to work the crowd before the big premiere...
NEW--Fat Girls--Ducksoup--A parody of "Mad World" which I wrote Friday afternoon. Sort of a kinder, gentler "Baby Got Back", actually along the same lines of the Snackstreet Boys' "I Want A Fat Babe", but to a tune that's well within my range. (To save space here, those who would like to read the lyrics can request them by email at askduckpond@sacbeemail.com)

MONDAY, JANUARY 10, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS

NEW--Ohio--Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young--Earlier in the day, a statue was unveiled downtown of former Ohio governor James Rhodes, the scumbag responsible for the Kent State shootings. A dozen of us were there to protest, chanting "Four dead in Ohio". It would be far more appropriate to put up a statue paying tribute to Allison Krause, Jeffrey Miller*, Sandra Scheuer*, and William Schroeder, instead of a statue of the man responsible for their deaths. As it was, I paid them my own small tribute.
It's Been Awhile--Staind--...since I sang this song.
NEW--So Yesterday--Hilary Duff--Completing my Spears/Lavigne/Duff hat trick. Tried the EVV...too low. Tried an HDV...too high. I shoulda went with my Kinison song like I was going to in the first place.

*A couple of Kent State connections:
My fellow NWOPCer Betty C. taught at Kent State at the time, and Scheuer was one of her students.
My geography teacher at Rogers HS attended Kent State and was roommates with Miller. (The year I was in his class, there was a TV-movie about Kent State which he taped and screened for us. Interesting bit of trivia he pointed out: The infamous photo of the girl kneeling in horror next to one of the slain students inspired the line in the song "What if you knew her and found her dead on the ground..." because CSNY thought the slain student in the photo was female. But in fact, it was Miller.)

KARAOKE RECAP: MONDAY, JANUARY 3, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 5 SONGS

NEW--Big Empty--Stone Temple Pilots--Stole the slip from someone who did it at Mutz last week. I do good on STP, forgot this one.
Losing My Religion--R.E.M.--Stole this slip weeks ago. Finally got to it. Dunno why I didn't start doing this one months ago.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--I'm just really digging singing this right now. Probably because it should be too high for me but it's not.
You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'--The Righteous Brothers--Duet with Doug. But frankly I think it works better with Fat Bastard.
Daysleeper--R.E.M.--Hmm. Two R.E.M. songs for the night. No reason. Just coinkydink.

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM A SPRAINED MIND

Just freeing up some memory space in my post-New Year's brain...

***

For New Year's Eve, my lady friend and I went to Port Clinton to see the famed "Walleye Drop" in which a 20-foot long fiberglass walleye named Wylie was "dropped" (or rather, "slowly lowered down a cable") into a net at the stroke of midnight. (Well, actually the timing was a bit off, he hit the net several seconds late.) Those folks in Port Clinton really know how to party...By 12:15-12:20 most of the crowd seemed to have dispersed and gone home. The evening's entertainment included an Elvis impersonator and a barbershop quartet, in spite of which we somehow managed to have a good time.

Picked myself up a few items during the visit: Got a black feather boa, which would have been just the thing to top off my "Sweet Transvestite" outfit. (Wait til next Halloween.) Also got a couple of buttons that are SO me:

"My sexual preference is often"
and
"Behind every great woman...is a man checking out her ass" (How 'me' can you get?)

Sad to say, I was unable to make it to Waterville for the New Year's Day polar bear swim. Nor did I make to Sandusky Speedway for the Hangover 100 race, but all the snow was gone anyway.

***

Okay, this next thing is still bugging me...

There's this online IQ test (web.tickle.com) that includes a fucked-up question. I sent an email "to whom it may concern" months ago to suggest a correction but they still haven't fixed it.

(WARNING: MATH AHEAD! Those who have an aversion to math problems may want to skip this item. You know, like most Americans.)

Here's the question:

Two cars start off at the same point on a straight highway facing opposite directions. Each car drives for 6 miles, takes a left turn, and drives for 8 miles. How far apart are the two cars?
2 miles
11 miles
14 miles
20 miles
26 miles

Now, all the questions on the test give multiple choices, and some include the choice "It's impossible to tell", which is not one of the choices for this question, but is in fact the correct answer.

The answer they're apparently looking for is 20, based on the Pythagorean Theorem: "The sum of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides." However, this is assuming that each car turned at an exact right angle. If the question specified that each car made "a 90-degree left turn onto another straight highway", 20 would be the correct answer. But no angle is specified (let alone whether or not the other highways are straight).

I therefore urge you to send an email to support@tickle-inc.com and insist that they correct this blatant and inexcusable error! (Unless, unlike me, you have a life.)

***

The rest of these are items from the last week's worth of newspapers that I thought I'd pass along and/or comment on.

***

There was an article about former Ohio State QB and chronic gamble-holic Art Schlichter (and after all these 20+ years I still can't pronounce "Schlichter") which reminded me I have yet to run my recent interview with him. I might post it here in the near-future. Or not. Anyhoo here's an excerpt:

Schlichter: "Actually, Duck, I'm happy to announce that I've finally beaten my gambling addiction."
Ducksoup: "No disrespect, Art, but I highly doubt that."
Schlichter: "Oh yeah? Wanna bet?"
[rim shot]

***

Over-used words and phrases from 2004:

"Flip-flop"
"And I approved this message"
"You're fired!"
"Sale event"
"Body wash"
"Zero-percent APR financing"
"Wardrobe malfunction"
"Pockets of resistance"
"Enemy combatant"
"Improvised explosive device"
"Battleground state"
"Security moms"
"Girlie men"
"Values voters"
"Coalition of the willing"
"Bring it on"
"Ownership society"
"Mandate"
"Reverse the curse"
"Green zone"
"What would Jesus drive?"
"Companion animals"
"Embeds"
"Shots rang out"
"In harm's way"
"It is what it is"
"Swift boats"
"Little Gitmo"
"Stop-loss"

Most of these, of course, would make damn fine band names.

***

A question from "Ask Marilyn": "Say that May 2 is on a Monday, which means May 6 is on a Friday. Six minus two equals four, yet five days have passed. What am I missing?"--Brenda Haury, Valley Center, Kan.

Well, what'd you expect? Kansas is, after all, a red state. (Marilyn of course failed to give the correct answer to the question, which of course would be "a brain.")

***

From the editorial letter section, David J. Undis, Executive Director of LifeSharers, Nashville TN has one of the best ideas I've ever heard:

"The solution to the organ shortage is simple: If you don't agree to donate your organs when you die, then you go to the back of the waiting list if you ever need an organ to live."

I try not to ever say this but...AMEN!

***

"MINOT, N.D.--Thirty-six children were injured in a sledding accident during an all-night New Year's Eve party hosted by a religious organization."

No, that's not a typo, folks. THIRTY-SIX. In ONE accident. What, were they sledding on an interstate in heavy fog?!

"Police Sgt. Winston Black said more than 100 children ages 12 to 19 attending a Youth for Christ event gathered at a high school around 4 a.m. to slide down a hill using sleds built out of cardboard boxes. A sign posted on the hill prohibited sledding."

Again, that's "Youth for Christ", not "Youth for Literacy". (North Dakota: yes, another red state.)

"The children and Youth for Christ staff piled eight to 12 passengers on the sleds, then went down the hill in quick succession, Sergeant Black said. 'The sleds struck rocks, a light pole, and each other,' he said."

I wouldn't be surprised if the accident was started by either Jimmy Sphincter or Robby Gourdhead. Damn restrictor plate sledding!

***

"Officials are considering a proposed multi-million dollar expansion to the Palace of Auburn Hills, home of the Detroit Pistons. Planned additions include restaurants, suites, and a banquet facility."

How 'bout a jail cell? (It could double as a locker room next time the Pacers are in town.)

***

"BUFFALO, Mo.--A man apparently upset over his share of a family inheritance shot and killed his sister and brother-in-law and then killed himself, authorities said."

I dunno, this guy's math seems flawed to me. (Well whatcha know, Missouri: yet another red state! Man, this is like shooting fish in a barrel.)

***

"Congress passed a bill in November designating the oak as our national tree, and the President has signed it into law."

I guess it's about time the U.S. had a "national tree", seeing as so many people in the red states are still living in trees.