RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM A SPRAINED MIND

Just freeing up some memory space in my post-New Year's brain...

***

For New Year's Eve, my lady friend and I went to Port Clinton to see the famed "Walleye Drop" in which a 20-foot long fiberglass walleye named Wylie was "dropped" (or rather, "slowly lowered down a cable") into a net at the stroke of midnight. (Well, actually the timing was a bit off, he hit the net several seconds late.) Those folks in Port Clinton really know how to party...By 12:15-12:20 most of the crowd seemed to have dispersed and gone home. The evening's entertainment included an Elvis impersonator and a barbershop quartet, in spite of which we somehow managed to have a good time.

Picked myself up a few items during the visit: Got a black feather boa, which would have been just the thing to top off my "Sweet Transvestite" outfit. (Wait til next Halloween.) Also got a couple of buttons that are SO me:

"My sexual preference is often"
and
"Behind every great woman...is a man checking out her ass" (How 'me' can you get?)

Sad to say, I was unable to make it to Waterville for the New Year's Day polar bear swim. Nor did I make to Sandusky Speedway for the Hangover 100 race, but all the snow was gone anyway.

***

Okay, this next thing is still bugging me...

There's this online IQ test (web.tickle.com) that includes a fucked-up question. I sent an email "to whom it may concern" months ago to suggest a correction but they still haven't fixed it.

(WARNING: MATH AHEAD! Those who have an aversion to math problems may want to skip this item. You know, like most Americans.)

Here's the question:

Two cars start off at the same point on a straight highway facing opposite directions. Each car drives for 6 miles, takes a left turn, and drives for 8 miles. How far apart are the two cars?
2 miles
11 miles
14 miles
20 miles
26 miles

Now, all the questions on the test give multiple choices, and some include the choice "It's impossible to tell", which is not one of the choices for this question, but is in fact the correct answer.

The answer they're apparently looking for is 20, based on the Pythagorean Theorem: "The sum of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides." However, this is assuming that each car turned at an exact right angle. If the question specified that each car made "a 90-degree left turn onto another straight highway", 20 would be the correct answer. But no angle is specified (let alone whether or not the other highways are straight).

I therefore urge you to send an email to support@tickle-inc.com and insist that they correct this blatant and inexcusable error! (Unless, unlike me, you have a life.)

***

The rest of these are items from the last week's worth of newspapers that I thought I'd pass along and/or comment on.

***

There was an article about former Ohio State QB and chronic gamble-holic Art Schlichter (and after all these 20+ years I still can't pronounce "Schlichter") which reminded me I have yet to run my recent interview with him. I might post it here in the near-future. Or not. Anyhoo here's an excerpt:

Schlichter: "Actually, Duck, I'm happy to announce that I've finally beaten my gambling addiction."
Ducksoup: "No disrespect, Art, but I highly doubt that."
Schlichter: "Oh yeah? Wanna bet?"
[rim shot]

***

Over-used words and phrases from 2004:

"Flip-flop"
"And I approved this message"
"You're fired!"
"Sale event"
"Body wash"
"Zero-percent APR financing"
"Wardrobe malfunction"
"Pockets of resistance"
"Enemy combatant"
"Improvised explosive device"
"Battleground state"
"Security moms"
"Girlie men"
"Values voters"
"Coalition of the willing"
"Bring it on"
"Ownership society"
"Mandate"
"Reverse the curse"
"Green zone"
"What would Jesus drive?"
"Companion animals"
"Embeds"
"Shots rang out"
"In harm's way"
"It is what it is"
"Swift boats"
"Little Gitmo"
"Stop-loss"

Most of these, of course, would make damn fine band names.

***

A question from "Ask Marilyn": "Say that May 2 is on a Monday, which means May 6 is on a Friday. Six minus two equals four, yet five days have passed. What am I missing?"--Brenda Haury, Valley Center, Kan.

Well, what'd you expect? Kansas is, after all, a red state. (Marilyn of course failed to give the correct answer to the question, which of course would be "a brain.")

***

From the editorial letter section, David J. Undis, Executive Director of LifeSharers, Nashville TN has one of the best ideas I've ever heard:

"The solution to the organ shortage is simple: If you don't agree to donate your organs when you die, then you go to the back of the waiting list if you ever need an organ to live."

I try not to ever say this but...AMEN!

***

"MINOT, N.D.--Thirty-six children were injured in a sledding accident during an all-night New Year's Eve party hosted by a religious organization."

No, that's not a typo, folks. THIRTY-SIX. In ONE accident. What, were they sledding on an interstate in heavy fog?!

"Police Sgt. Winston Black said more than 100 children ages 12 to 19 attending a Youth for Christ event gathered at a high school around 4 a.m. to slide down a hill using sleds built out of cardboard boxes. A sign posted on the hill prohibited sledding."

Again, that's "Youth for Christ", not "Youth for Literacy". (North Dakota: yes, another red state.)

"The children and Youth for Christ staff piled eight to 12 passengers on the sleds, then went down the hill in quick succession, Sergeant Black said. 'The sleds struck rocks, a light pole, and each other,' he said."

I wouldn't be surprised if the accident was started by either Jimmy Sphincter or Robby Gourdhead. Damn restrictor plate sledding!

***

"Officials are considering a proposed multi-million dollar expansion to the Palace of Auburn Hills, home of the Detroit Pistons. Planned additions include restaurants, suites, and a banquet facility."

How 'bout a jail cell? (It could double as a locker room next time the Pacers are in town.)

***

"BUFFALO, Mo.--A man apparently upset over his share of a family inheritance shot and killed his sister and brother-in-law and then killed himself, authorities said."

I dunno, this guy's math seems flawed to me. (Well whatcha know, Missouri: yet another red state! Man, this is like shooting fish in a barrel.)

***

"Congress passed a bill in November designating the oak as our national tree, and the President has signed it into law."

I guess it's about time the U.S. had a "national tree", seeing as so many people in the red states are still living in trees.