MR. COLOREDWELL'S 2008-09 BEST-DRESSED AND WORST-DRESSED BOWL TEAMS
Hi there! Mr. Coloredwell here, ready to give you my review of the latest in college football fashions! I had a peeky-boo of all 34 bowl games, and in between barfing my lungs out, I jotted down notes on all 68 teams. (68: You do me and I'll owe you one! LOL) I must say, a lot of the current football fashion trends are REALLY testing my gag reflex!
First let me blow some kisses to the top 10 best-dressed teams:
1. Iowa
Beautiful black-and-gold PERFECTION! I beg you, Steelers, go back to block numbers! The Hawkeyes are putting you to shame!
2. Ohio State
Okay, I'm being a homer here, but fact is the Buckeyes have always sported an excellent football uni. Hit 'em high, hit 'em low, let Woody hit Bo!
3. East Carolina
Purple from head to toe...Gogol Bordello would love it! Avast ye mateys, the Pirates can ransack my booty anytime!
4. Oregon State
A very B.C. Lions-ish look. Beautiful juicy orange jerseys! I could just suck the juice out of all of 'em! The jerseys, silly, not the Beavers! Ew, gross!
5. Louisiana Tech
Terry Bradshaw's alma mater sported a nice classic uniform, sort of like what the Buffalo Bills wore a few years ago. The helmet logo is cute too.
6. Rutgers
No nappy-headed hos are they, the Knights put a neat new spin on scarlet. No offense, Buckeyes.
7. Clemson
Speaking of Woody hitting...LOL. Clemson wore a nice head-to-toe orange, though also not quite as juicy as Oregon State.
8. Fresno State
Head-to-toe red. Not a bad look, although any time a team wears a brighter color head-to-toe they can tend to look like pajamas. Still, I could go for a pajama party in Fresno!
9. TCU
Texas Christian...there's 2 icky-scary words! But their black-and-purple unis were scary without being icky. Northwestern's on the phone, they want their old look back!
10. LSU
Mind you, I'm still miffed at them from last year, but they do have a nice combo of the Packers look with the Vikings colors.
Honorable mention: USC
I can't forget the Trojans, now can I? Perhaps this is a 'safe' choice (grin), but it's another classic look that even O.J. couldn't kill.
And now, the other end of the spectrum, the 5 worst-dressed college bowl teams of the year:
(Of course, in any other year, Michigan would top the worst-dressed list, but they didn't go to a bowl game this year did they? Nyeah nyeah! LOOOOOsers!)
1. Cincinnati
Of all the uniform fashion trends I hate the most, the Bearcats are wearing them all! Black pants, ick. Head-to-toe black, ick. Stupid-looking non-block numbers, ick. Last and least those disgusting tapered swooshes that a lot of teams are wearing lately that all look like the Nike logo spooged all over them! (Like it isn't bad enough seeing the actual logo on half the teams!) Cincy, do us all a favor and burn those monstrosities! I'd rather see you play naked! (Bare-cats, anyone?)
2. Penn State
The Jimmie Johnson of football unis. Yawn. BOR-ING! Vanilla! Generic! Double yawn! You have a logo, use it! I've seen peewee teams that dress better! I'm sure you folks can afford something nice. Stop slumming it! You look like the Guards from the original "Longest Yard". Who designed those unis, the Dharma Initiative?!
3. Hawaii
Oh, excuse me, I forgot the apostrophe, Hawai'i. (Gad, how pretentious can you get?) Look, Warriors, the Philadelphia Eagles uniform is NOT a role model. And no, I'm not just picking on you because you dropped the 'Rainbow' from your nickname. (Homophobes! Hey, why not borrow a page from Jeff Gordon and call yourselves the Flaming Warriors?)
4. Texas
Normally, I love orange jerseys. But apparently there is only one ugly shade of orange, and the Longhorns (Yeah, right! In your dreams!) wear it!
5. Notre Dame
Would someone please explain to me why the Fighting IRISH weren't wearing GREEN? HELLOOOOO???
Dishonorable mention: The 2008 Ugly Bowl
Maryland vs Nevada at Boise
Both teams had those horrible Denver Bronco-style tapered stripes down their sides (Can you say 'Nike-spooge'?), and both looked even worse on that ghastly blue turf in Boise. Whose idea was THAT?! Whomever it was, they ought to be Jimmy Hoffa-ed underneath it!
Maybe this would make sense in Kentucky, but Boise???
And finally, just a few teams to whom I give mixed reviews:
California: Nice choice of yellow jerseys, but, and I can never use this phrase enough, LOSE THE PANTS! That's one of the worst cases of Nike-spooge I've seen.
Miami (Fla.): LOVE the orange pants! HATE the ugly numbers and the dark green Nike-spooge. Seriously, that Cal-Miami game had my head spinning. Perhaps these two teams could merge and pair up the yellow jerseys with the orange pants. Mmm, citrusy!
North Carolina:
The Petty blue on the helmets and the jersey numbers, fabulous! But why oh why did you go with dark blue (with Nike-spooge) from the waist down? LOSE THE PANTS!
Oregon:
Obvi I'm partial to Ducks or I wouldn't be guesting here on the Duck Pond. And the Oregon Ducks sport a great color combination, their helmets are nice and shiny, there are some nice touches on the pants (the O logo and a vertical 'Oregon'), and some of the players had yellow shoes, which sort of looked like duck feet in a way. But WHAT THE HELL is with those numbers?! Were they designed by the same crayon-wielding kid who cooked up the Toledo Storm logo?
Oregon would have easily made the 10 best otherwise, but those nauseating numbers ruined it for me. Besides, I had heard talk a few days before the game that Oregon was going to wear bright green a la the Orlando Thunder (one of the best football unis of all time IMO), so I was quite disappointed that they didn't.
Granted, I'm a bit of a fashion maverick. I get SOOOO tired of people dissing the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers 'creamsicle' look. Who doesn't love creamsicles? And the uni looked so good on Dougie Williams...I could have spent a lifetime just licking it!
I scream, you scream...
Coming soon, the year-end review of the NFL's best and worst dressed. I'll probably unleash that the week of the Super Bowl. Till then, this is Mr. Coloredwell tossing it back to Ducky. Toodles!
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