SPAGHETTI DAY

My mom should have turned 72 today. Since she's not around to do so, I'm starting a new personal tradition. I will eat her favorite meal, spaghetti, every July 30th.

Plus, it's Wednesday this year, which of course is Prince spaghetti day. So I suppose I should have a double helping. (But then, I always do. Of everything.)

THE TREASURE OF THE ARCHIVO ROJO (EPISODE 3)

For this installment, we take a look at another piece by fellow former Corpsmember Scott Haden. This one is perhaps my favorite:

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STRAIGHT CURVE

A straight curve is a curve that runs straight without any bumps, ridge, or other curves. For example, if someone was to walk around a corner, in order to have a straight curve he wouldn't be able to stagger. He would have to walk in a straight line only it curves.

OHIO TO CARSON PALMER:

DROP DEAD!

2008 ESPY AWARDS DRINKING GAME

Do a shot whenever they show Fergie in the audience. You will die of alcohol poisoning.

PS: If one of the networks just took a chance, Justin Timberlake could be the next Carol Burnett.

COMING SOON...

My pal Bryan and I are currently designing the first (to my knowledge) URBAN frisbee golf course.

Hey, Southwyck was just sitting there!

QUOTE DU JOUR

"Now that the FCC fines for the topless Super Bowl antics have been struck down, Janet Jackson is working on a crotchless cheerleading routine for the NBA Finals next year."--Janet Dahl

QUOTE OF THE WEEK...NOT!

"We took three out of four, so that was perfect."

--Leon "Bull" Durham, acting Mud Hens manager (Larry Parrish was in NY for the Futures Game) during last Sunday's game at Indy, which the Hens lost after winning the first 3 games of the 4-game series.

Um, excuse me, Bull, Wouldn't FOUR out of four be perfect?

CLEAR AS DAY

If you get a chance to catch a replay of the 2003 Fiesta Bowl (Ohio State vs Miami) on the Big Ten Network (or possibly ESPN Classic), take a look at the celebrating Buckeye fans right after they score their second touchdown. For about a second, you'll see an enthusiastic female OSU fan jumping up and down in a white shirt with the UM helmet on it and the words "FUCK MICHIGAN". You gotta love it.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 28.0 C / 82.4 F

FOLLOW THE PATH

With the possibility of an increase in Duck Pond readership by frisbee golf (or if you prefer, disc golf) enthusiasts, I'd like to unveil a new frisbee golf variation I invented recently.

After making up a course at Highland Park, and redesigning the course I made up years ago at Walbridge Park, I came up with the idea of using the paved walking/biking loops at those two parks for this new variation.

As a sort of tribute to the online parody cult from a few years ago, the Followers Of Geno, I have dubbed it "Follow The Path". Here's how to play:

Find a park with a paved walking loop, the ones at Highland and Walbridge are each about a mile. Pick a starting/finishing point anywhere on the path. Then pick which direction you want to go, clockwise or counterclockwise.

Each throw that lands on the path at least partially is 1 point. Any throw that lands on the outer side of the path's loop is 2 points. Any throw that lands on the inner side of the loop is 3 points. Whoever completes the loop with the fewest points wins. (Another scoring option instead of 1-2-3 is 1-3-5.)

Any object near a bend or curve in the path (tree, pole, sign, etc.) should be thought of as a 'gate' (sort of like in skiing), and your throw must go around it the same way the path does. If your throw goes past a gate on the wrong side, you will have to throw back the way you came and go around the gate the right way.

In cases where there is a bend in the path and no object nearby to serve as a gate, try to use the apex of the bend in the path as a gate. This is optional and open to personal taste and interpretation, but I try to keep in the spirit of the game and 'follow the path'. No shortcuts!

The main benefits of this variation, I've found so far, are that you don't have to wind up with a sore elbow throwing as hard and as far as you can. Distance helps of course as you want to complete the loop in as few throws as possible, but accuracy is obviously very important. A round or two of this game might result in better approach shots when you go back to regular frisbee golf.

And natch you need to be really good at making shots that will slide nice and straight down the path (especially if you use the 1-3-5 scoring option).

Using the 1-2-3 scoring at Highland, my current record low score is 91 points.

Have fun and good luck!

The Geno follow the path
The path is the way
The way is the light
The light is grey.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 25.0 C / 77.0 F

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE

The PDGA.com info page for the JCC course has been updated, and now includes a link to my full scathing review. If it saves just one fellow frisbee golfer from the horrors of that place, it will have been worth it.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 27.0 C / 80.6 F

GREAT IDEA

Steve Dahl had a fantastic idea yesterday. Why not make a fuel from a vegetable that no one likes, like Brussels sprouts or broccoli?

Current Duck Pond temperature: 24.9 C / 76.8 F

WORST...FRISBEE GOLF COURSE...EVER!

The other day my karaoke komrade Bryan and I traveled up to Jackson, MI to shoot a round of frisbee golf at a course on the campus of Jackson Community College.

A round of 18 holes at our home course, Ottawa Park in Toledo, takes about an hour or just over an hour, longer if the course is busy. So we figured this wouldn't take long.

Over 3 hours later...

I wish I could meet the person who designed this JCC course. I'd like to shake their hand. And then snap it off at the wrist and slap them silly with it. And then break their arm off and beat them to death with it.

My lack of god. The horror. The horror.

The first hint of an actual course we were able to spot was the 4th basket. We figured it would be easy to backtrack to the first tee. The problem was, the 4th basket was near the edge of an open field, thus we had no idea in which direction we would find the 4th tee. After a bit of searching we found the 5th tee. This did not help.

After some more wandering around trying to get our bearings, spotting a few baskets here and there in the distance, we found the 8th basket. Not far from that was the 2nd basket. Oy. By this time my feet already hurt, and we hadn't even started playing yet!

We traced back along what we hoped was the 2nd fairway, and after close to a half hour of walking around lost and disoriented we finally spotted two other players. They directed us towards the first tee the best they could, but it still took some searching to find it.

We played the first two holes, then it was back to more looking around in vain trying to find the 3rd tee. Luckily our guides from before reappeared and got us to it. Mind you, there was no marker or sign for it, but they assured us that the tee was 'near this patch of dirt right about here.'

Hole #4 was nearly 500 feet long, half the length of the Monster hole at Hudson Mills. The fairway, as I said earlier, was just an open field, covered with weeds and those ugly little white round shriveled-up-dandelion-looking things (are those dandelions?) that draw bees so you have to watch your step. But the bees were nothing compared to the horse flies (as in 'as big as') and other bugs that come at your head.

Then it was back to the 5th tee. We played back across the field toward a basket we saw a few minutes earlier, believing it to be hole #5. Only after we finished it did we see the number on the other side of the basket. "6". So we had to backtrack into the woods to find tee #6 and hole #5 and then go back to tee #5 and start over.

We got thru #7 and had to do more searching for the 8th tee. Got thru 8, 9 and 10, then found tee #11. Did I mention the rough? There's a lot of rough on this course. And it is beyond rough. If you dare play this course, bring plenty of extra discs, because the rough on this course will eat discs like Melmackians eat cats. It is only thru stubborn persistence that we managed to escape with all the discs we brought with us.

So there was a lot of rough on 11. We tried our best to stay on the extremely narrow fairway, but at one point Bryan's disc was MIA for maybe 15 minutes. We finally found it, and finished the hole. Then we noticed the number on the basket. "12". Not again! And after all that searching around for the lost disc. AARRGH!

So we traipse back to tee #11. Did I mention the tees? Most other frisbee golf courses have concrete tees, about 4'x8'. Not here. The tee-off areas were basically just patches of dirt, marked by a pile of rocks nearby with the hole number, distance and a vague line showing the course direction painted on a flat slab of rock sort of resembling a cemetery headstone, perhaps marking the makeshift graves of previous frisbee golfers who had killed themselves rather than play this wretched course any further!

So we re-examine the marker for hole #11. What we had mistaken for the fairway was just a mown path for walking. There was no other fairway in sight, but right by the marker was a hint of a narrow path down a steep hill. A broken neck waiting to happen. Farther down the hill was a lot of rocks and mud, and a large puddle. Beyond that was more rough and then a clear patch. It couldn't be, we thought. It couldn't possibly...The three of us cautiously and reluctantly make our way down the steep hill.

We get to the clear patch. It's part of a fairway with a basket at the other end. Now we are in a state of furious denial. Bryan has the younger legs, so he runs ahead to check the basket number. Sure enough it's 11. Now we are just plain furious! We refuse to go back up the hill, and we tee off from the front end of the fairway.

From that travesty we're off to tee #12. Hole 12, which we know from before, is straight up a hill. Did I mention the numerous elevation changes on this course? If you dare play this course (and by this time I hope I have talked some sense into you and you will heed this warning and avoid this course like the plague), wear good hiking shoes because you will be trudging up and down a LOT of hills.

Holes 13, 14 and 15 also require quite a bit of recon. By now we have learned to spread out a bit until one of us finds the right tee/hole. By now we are also just about ready to drop from exhaustion.

While the other two find their way to tee #15, I happen upon basket #16. This is the 2nd-stupidest thing about this course, after the insane layout of hole #11. I am later informed that a JCC student laid out the course. I must assume this idiot was on drugs at the time. How else do you explain 11?

In fact, at several points throughout the course I noticed a faint hint of a white line which I presumed was meant to lead one around the course. But since it was so faint and inconsistent it utterly failed to act as any sort of a reliable guide, I am left to theorize that perhaps this trail was whatever kind of powdered substance this idiot was snorting while plotting out the course, slowly leaking out of their pocket?

Anyway, back to basket #16, which as I said was only surpassed in idiocy by hole #11. Any other basket on any other course (and in fact every other basket on this course) is set in a clear spot. 16, however...oy. I meet Bry at tee #15. "Wait til you see hole 16! You won't believe how stupid it is!"

Yes, basket #16 is planted in a patch of weeds. This is sort of like putting a regular golf hole in a bunker. Bryan's putting game has been off all day, he really better improve by the time he gets to 16!

With two holes left, we grab a seat on the ground under the gigantic shadow of the campus water tower. There is a road nearby. This would probably be the best place to park next time we play this course, and we'd just start on hole 17 and finish on 16. That is, if we were ever crazy and masochistic enough to play this course again, which I highly doubt.

If you're enough of a masochist to try it, I should probably add that our guides from earlier in the day warned us to tuck our pant legs in our socks and hope to avoid ticks. So for that extra boost of punishment, if you'd like to risk Lyme disease, kick your shoes and socks off and go for it!

Or if you're allergic to bee stings, perhaps venturing into the 4th 'fairway' will lead to your being stung to death, thus sparing you most of the horrors we encountered. Which tee marker would you like to be buried under?

Jackson Community College: WORST. FRISBEE. GOLF. COURSE. EVER!

Current Duck Pond temperature: 27.0 C / 80.6 F

COMING UP, A REVIEW OF THE WORST...FRISBEE GOLF COURSE...EVER

But first, you know what I'd like to see on the Espy Awards sometime? Roger Federer and Jeff Gordon presenting an award together, with Gordon wearing tennis whites and Federer wearing a Dupont fire suit. How many people would be fooled?

Current Duck Pond temperature: 25.0 C / 77.0 F

THE LATEST SONG I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW

Foo Fighters--"Razor"

Dave Grohl on acoustic guitar. Haunting, pretty tune. Eat your heart out, Segovia.



Wake up, it's time | We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind | I need to know, I need to know tonight
Sweet and divine | Razor of mine | Sweet and divine | Razorblade shine

Patience, my dear | We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time | I hope I get the chance to say goodbye
Sweet and divine | Razor of mine | Sweet and divine | Razorblade shine

Day after day | Cutting away | Day after day | But anyway

Wake up, it's time | We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind | I need to know, I need to know tonight
Sweet and divine | Razor of mine | Sweet and divine | Razorblade shine

Current Duck Pond temperature: 24.0 C / 75.2 F

YOUR TAX REBATE DOLLARS AT WORK

Got 2 pieces of mail today:

One was a letter from the IRS telling me I should be receiving my rebate check soon.

The other was my rebate check.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 24.9 C / 76.8 F

TONIGHT'S FORECAST: DARK



"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."--George Carlin

He was a modern man. A man for the millenium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically-, anatomically-, and ecologically-incorrect.

He was uplinked and downloaded, he was inputed and outsourced. He knew the upside of downsizing, he knew the downside of upgrading. He was a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker, and he could give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

He was new wave, but he was old school, and his inner child was outward bound. He was a hot-wired heat-seeking warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable. He interfaced with his database, his database was in cyberspace. He was interactive, hyperactive and, from time to time, he was radioactive.

Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding a wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope. He was on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. He had no need for coke and speed. He had no urge to binge and purge. He was in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept low-profile medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart-bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder. He wore power ties, he told power lies, he took power naps, he ran victory laps. He was a totally ongoing bigfoot slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial.

He had a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You couldn't shut him up. You couldn't dumb him down. Because he was tireless and he was wireless. He was an alpha male on beta blockers.

He was a nonbeliever and an overachiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super-size, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. He was a hands-on foot-loose knee-jerk head-case, prematurely post-traumatic and he had a love child who sent him hate mail.

He was feeling, he was caring, he was healing, he was sharing. A supportive bonding nurturing primary caregiver. His output was down but his income was up, he took a short position on the long bond and his revenue stream had its own cash flow. He read junk mail, he ate junk food, he bought junk bonds, he watched trash sports. He was gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

He liked rough sex, he liked tough love. He used the f-word in his e-mail and the software on his hard drive was hardcore, no soft porn. He bought a microwave at a mini-mall, he bought a minivan at a megastore. He ate fast food in the slow lane. He was toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear and he came in all sizes.

A fully-equipped factory-authorized hospital-tested clinically-proven scientifically-formulated medical miracle. He was pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and he had an unlimited broadband capacity.

He was a rude dude but he was the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. He took it slow, he went with the flow, he rode with the tide, he had glide in his stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. He didn't snooze so he didn't lose. He kept the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. He partied hearty, and lunch time was crunch time.

He hung in, there ain't no doubt. And he hung tough. Over and out.



Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.9 C / 75.0 F

MY FRIENDS SUCK

I called. I texted. Dozens of karaoke and non-karaoke friends and relatives. I let everyone I could think of know about my new karaoke show.

Nobody showed up. Sure, I had plenty of singers, but I didn't know anybody there.

Time to make new friends, I suppose.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.1 C / 73.5 F

QUOTE DU JOUR

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."
- Theodor Seuss Geisel

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.4 C / 74.1 F

THE BETTER RODENT TRAP: WASTEBASKETS

Got a rodent in your house? Have you set out snap traps and glue traps and poison, all to no avail?

I've been there, and the only rodent-catching method with which I have EVER had consistent success is this: Two identical wastebaskets, preferably your standard tall rectangular kitchen variety, and a shitload of vigilance.

Set one wastebasket near where you've seen the disgusting little bastard, and bait it with some standard tasty-smelling garbage. Last time I found the greasy cardboard from inside a pizza box incredibly effective.

And now you play the waiting game. Clear your schedule for the next few hours. Listen to some music or the TV. Keep the other wastebasket handy, and monitor the baited one like a psychotic hawk. (The better the bait, the shorter the wait. That greasy pizza cardboard took less than an hour.)

When your visitor comes to check out your garbage, and it will, wait for it to hop in, then swoop in with the second wastebasket and drop it in the first one. Now you've got it trapped. If you prefer not to kill it, you can now run it outside to the nearest empty field or woods or wherever, and release it. The problem with releasing them is that they will now go look for another house to terrorize, or quite possibly return to yours! Well, fuck that shit.

If you'd rather kill it, use an awl to punch a couple of small holes in the second wastebasket. Once you've got it trapped, pour some bleach in. Oh, sorry, is that too cruel? Fuck you, it's vermin!

I released the last one, but only because I didn't think of the bleach thing yet.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
21.9 C / 71.4 F

A NEW FEATURE WHICH IS COMPLETELY POINTLESS (WELL, EXCEPT FOR DECIMAL POINTS)

I've decided to start ending every post with the current temperature here in my man cave, according to my new digital thermometer. And since it'll appear just above the time I posted, think of it as sort of a modernized throwback to the days of calling the Ohio Bell recording that gave the time and temperature.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 23.7 C / 74.6 F