I'LL SUE YA! (NOT!)
I emailed the folks at Smirnoff last week to suggest a new flavor, ruby red/sweet grapefruit. I'm sure they could put out something really good along those lines. Today I checked my inbox and found a long reply from someone named Richard that had the stink of the Smirnoff legal department all over it, explaining exhaustively how they don't take ideas or suggestions from outside the company. I was rather offended. Here's the gist of my reply:
"Spare me the legalese, Dick. I'm not looking to sue you guys for some cockamamie reason. My mother didn't raise me like that. All I'm saying is, hey, if you guys put out a grapefruit flavor I'll buy it. But thanks for assuming the worst. Sheesh. Maybe I should just stick to Diet Coke when I'm out at karaoke. --DJP"
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
21ST CENTURY BREAKDOWN
The new Green Day album...yep, it sounds a lot like American Idiot 2. But it's still damn good. Sounds great in The Bus. "Know Your Enemy" and "21 Guns" seem to be the tracks that are getting the big push, and both deserve it. I can also recommend the following tracks:
"Last Night On Earth"--Very John Lennon-esque ballad, sure to be a single down the road. Can't wait for the karaoke version.
"Peacemaker"--A fun track that I have to believe was at least partially influenced by Gogol Bordello. In fact, I'd love to hear Gogol B cover this.
"Last Of The American Girls"--Sure to get airplay at some point. Just a hint of Weezer.
"[upside-down question mark]Viva La Gloria? (Little Girl)"--Very Brechtian. Would make for an excellent mashup with The Doors' "Alabama Song". (Party Ben, I'm looking in your direction!)
The new Green Day album...yep, it sounds a lot like American Idiot 2. But it's still damn good. Sounds great in The Bus. "Know Your Enemy" and "21 Guns" seem to be the tracks that are getting the big push, and both deserve it. I can also recommend the following tracks:
"Last Night On Earth"--Very John Lennon-esque ballad, sure to be a single down the road. Can't wait for the karaoke version.
"Peacemaker"--A fun track that I have to believe was at least partially influenced by Gogol Bordello. In fact, I'd love to hear Gogol B cover this.
"Last Of The American Girls"--Sure to get airplay at some point. Just a hint of Weezer.
"[upside-down question mark]Viva La Gloria? (Little Girl)"--Very Brechtian. Would make for an excellent mashup with The Doors' "Alabama Song". (Party Ben, I'm looking in your direction!)
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
"Wow, what a lineup. But look at meeeee!"--The Flying Pig, from The Kids In The Hall
A text message from my friend Kat (I'm paraphrasing...or am I paratexting?):
"Some people said we'd have a black president when pigs flew...well, here we are, 100 days into Obama's presidency, and sure enough...SWINE FLU!
***
BTW, coming soon, my picks for the all-time greatest Don Martin sound effects. Stay tuned.
A text message from my friend Kat (I'm paraphrasing...or am I paratexting?):
"Some people said we'd have a black president when pigs flew...well, here we are, 100 days into Obama's presidency, and sure enough...SWINE FLU!
***
BTW, coming soon, my picks for the all-time greatest Don Martin sound effects. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
MARK "THE BIRD" FIDRYCH
1954-2009
Perhaps my favorite baseball player ever. I was lucky enough to get to see him pitch in person, back at The Ned against the Hens when he was with Pawtucket. I think every MLB pitcher playing tomorrow should tell their ball, "The Bird says goodbye."
We also bid farewell to legendary sportscaster Harry Kalas and legendary porn star Marilyn Chambers. You know those celeb deaths, they come in threes. Strange that this trio all had something to do with balls. One talked to them, one talked about them, and one sucked them.
No Fidrych, no Kalas, no Chambers, shit.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
TUNA POT PIE
Does anyone reading this know of any restaurant in the Toledo area that serves a decent tuna pot pie? If so, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com. Seriously.
Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but for some strange reason I really need some tuna pot pie. (Sure, I could make my own, but I'm a lazy sumbitch.)
Does anyone reading this know of any restaurant in the Toledo area that serves a decent tuna pot pie? If so, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com. Seriously.
Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but for some strange reason I really need some tuna pot pie. (Sure, I could make my own, but I'm a lazy sumbitch.)
Thursday, April 09, 2009
THOUGHTS ON BILL O'REILLY AND SQUEAKY THE CHICAGO MOUSE
By Roger Ebert / April 7, 2009
To: Bill O'Reilly
From: Roger Ebert
Dear Bill: Thanks for including the Chicago Sun-Times on your exclusive list of newspapers on your "Hall of Shame." To be in an O'Reilly Hall of Fame would be a cruel blow to any newspaper. It would place us in the favor of a man who turns red and starts screaming when anyone disagrees with him. My grade-school teacher, wise Sister Nathan, would have called in your parents and recommended counseling with Father Hogben.
Yes, the Sun-Times is liberal, having recently endorsed our first Democrat for President since LBJ. We were founded by Marshall Field one week before Pearl Harbor to provide a liberal voice in Chicago to counter the Tribune, which opposed an American war against Hitler. I'm sure you would have sided with the Trib at the time.
I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that "very few" readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, "many more complained about Nancy." I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that "wow" was "mom" spelled upside-down.
Your column ran in our paper while it was owned by the right-wing polemicists Conrad Black (Baron Black of Coldharbour) and David Radler. We dropped it to save a little money after they looted the paper of millions. Now you call for an advertising boycott. It is unusual to observe a journalist cheering for a newspaper to fail. At present the Sun-Times has no bank debt, but labors under the weight of millions of dollars in tax penalties incurred by Lord Black, who is serving an eight-year stretch for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. We also had to pay for his legal expenses.
There is a major difference between Conrad Black and you: Lord Black is a much better writer and thinker, and authored a respected biography about Roosevelt, who we were founded to defend. That newspapers continue to run your column is a mystery to me, since it is composed of knee-jerk frothings and ravings. If I were an editor searching for a conservative, I wouldn't choose a mad dog. My recommendation: The admirable Charles Krauthammer.
Bill, I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician?
That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: "Raise the bridge! I have an erection!"
By Roger Ebert / April 7, 2009
To: Bill O'Reilly
From: Roger Ebert
Dear Bill: Thanks for including the Chicago Sun-Times on your exclusive list of newspapers on your "Hall of Shame." To be in an O'Reilly Hall of Fame would be a cruel blow to any newspaper. It would place us in the favor of a man who turns red and starts screaming when anyone disagrees with him. My grade-school teacher, wise Sister Nathan, would have called in your parents and recommended counseling with Father Hogben.
Yes, the Sun-Times is liberal, having recently endorsed our first Democrat for President since LBJ. We were founded by Marshall Field one week before Pearl Harbor to provide a liberal voice in Chicago to counter the Tribune, which opposed an American war against Hitler. I'm sure you would have sided with the Trib at the time.
I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that "very few" readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, "many more complained about Nancy." I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that "wow" was "mom" spelled upside-down.
Your column ran in our paper while it was owned by the right-wing polemicists Conrad Black (Baron Black of Coldharbour) and David Radler. We dropped it to save a little money after they looted the paper of millions. Now you call for an advertising boycott. It is unusual to observe a journalist cheering for a newspaper to fail. At present the Sun-Times has no bank debt, but labors under the weight of millions of dollars in tax penalties incurred by Lord Black, who is serving an eight-year stretch for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. We also had to pay for his legal expenses.
There is a major difference between Conrad Black and you: Lord Black is a much better writer and thinker, and authored a respected biography about Roosevelt, who we were founded to defend. That newspapers continue to run your column is a mystery to me, since it is composed of knee-jerk frothings and ravings. If I were an editor searching for a conservative, I wouldn't choose a mad dog. My recommendation: The admirable Charles Krauthammer.
Bill, I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician?
That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: "Raise the bridge! I have an erection!"
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
ALF CUP 2009
The ALF Cup scoring system underwent another major overhaul for this season, and so far it's working quite well. Only new (or new-to-me) episodes are scored, and each episode is scored by itself on a scale of 0 to 10 (10 being best). A minimum of 6 episodes is needed for a show's average score to count in the official standings. So this is about as close to the traditional ratings system as I can get.
The season is well underway, but I was waiting until ten shows had aired at least 6 episodes each before posting the current standings. And in scoring the first '10' of the season last night, former champ Family Guy has vaulted into the top spot. Here's the standings after the first 12 weeks:
1. Family Guy, FOX, 7.833
2. Look Around You, TOON, 7.000
2. Nitro Circus, MTV, 7.000
4. The Rick Mercer Report, CBC, 6.889
5. Important Things, COM, 6.714
6. The Whitest Kids U'Know, IFC, 6.667
7. This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC, 6.111
8. Wilfred, IFC, 5.286
9. American Dad, FOX, 4.889
10. Lost, ABC, 4.364
Yeah, I know. This is all really pathetic. Shoot bullets through me. But a hobby's a hobby.
The ALF Cup scoring system underwent another major overhaul for this season, and so far it's working quite well. Only new (or new-to-me) episodes are scored, and each episode is scored by itself on a scale of 0 to 10 (10 being best). A minimum of 6 episodes is needed for a show's average score to count in the official standings. So this is about as close to the traditional ratings system as I can get.
The season is well underway, but I was waiting until ten shows had aired at least 6 episodes each before posting the current standings. And in scoring the first '10' of the season last night, former champ Family Guy has vaulted into the top spot. Here's the standings after the first 12 weeks:
1. Family Guy, FOX, 7.833
2. Look Around You, TOON, 7.000
2. Nitro Circus, MTV, 7.000
4. The Rick Mercer Report, CBC, 6.889
5. Important Things, COM, 6.714
6. The Whitest Kids U'Know, IFC, 6.667
7. This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC, 6.111
8. Wilfred, IFC, 5.286
9. American Dad, FOX, 4.889
10. Lost, ABC, 4.364
Yeah, I know. This is all really pathetic. Shoot bullets through me. But a hobby's a hobby.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
IT'S OFFICIAL...I HAVE A MOONROOF
After many discussions with many acquaintances, I had to look up the difference, and since the panel in the roof of The Bus is see-through, and a sunroof is opaque, what I have is a moonroof. Although there's also an inside panel I have to open first in order to get to the moonroof, and I suppose you could consider that panel a sunroof, so maybe I have both. But if that's the case, then my sunroof 'eclipses' my moonroof, which really doesn't seem right.
In any case, I still don't see how I'm supposed to moon people through the thing, especially while I'm driving. I simply do not bend that way!
After many discussions with many acquaintances, I had to look up the difference, and since the panel in the roof of The Bus is see-through, and a sunroof is opaque, what I have is a moonroof. Although there's also an inside panel I have to open first in order to get to the moonroof, and I suppose you could consider that panel a sunroof, so maybe I have both. But if that's the case, then my sunroof 'eclipses' my moonroof, which really doesn't seem right.
In any case, I still don't see how I'm supposed to moon people through the thing, especially while I'm driving. I simply do not bend that way!
Friday, March 06, 2009
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
DON'T GIVE ME THAT DO GOODY GOOD BULLSHIT
If there was any doubt left in anyone's mind that Toledo radio is dead, allow me to now erase it for you...
The other day I heard WXKR edit the 'shit' out of "Money" by Pink Floyd.
NO, repeat, NO self-respecting classic rock station edits the 'shit' out of "Money" or the 'fuck' out of "Who Are You" by The Who. Regardless of the FCC's mood on any given day, those are the two songs you leave alone.
BTW, don't forget to call your representatives in Washington, DC and demand the reinstatement of the Fairness Doctrine. Clear Channel and Cumulus are evil, and they must be stopped.
If there was any doubt left in anyone's mind that Toledo radio is dead, allow me to now erase it for you...
The other day I heard WXKR edit the 'shit' out of "Money" by Pink Floyd.
NO, repeat, NO self-respecting classic rock station edits the 'shit' out of "Money" or the 'fuck' out of "Who Are You" by The Who. Regardless of the FCC's mood on any given day, those are the two songs you leave alone.
BTW, don't forget to call your representatives in Washington, DC and demand the reinstatement of the Fairness Doctrine. Clear Channel and Cumulus are evil, and they must be stopped.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
INTRODUCING...
My new steed, a 2003 Saturn Vue:
(That's not mine in the photo, but that's what it looks like)
To quote MST3K: "It's black and demonic and it spreads darkness and death...cool!"
It was previously owned by someone in Pittsburgh (a Steelers fan, I'm sure) so it needed a good Steeler-related nickname. At first I thot old-school, Franco, Mean Joe, etc. But then I went with a more recent reference: Ladies and germs, say hello to THE BUS! I'm thinking maybe some Steeler Gold racing stripes, but I dunno, do racing stripes work on an SUV?
Altho someone at work thot it looked like a hearse. I'm good with that too. (An SUH?) I might have to put those squiggly things on the sides. It'll be the coolest hearse since the Jaguar hearse in "Harold And Maude" (or the psychedelic hearse in "Grand Theft Parsons").
My new steed, a 2003 Saturn Vue:
(That's not mine in the photo, but that's what it looks like)
To quote MST3K: "It's black and demonic and it spreads darkness and death...cool!"
It was previously owned by someone in Pittsburgh (a Steelers fan, I'm sure) so it needed a good Steeler-related nickname. At first I thot old-school, Franco, Mean Joe, etc. But then I went with a more recent reference: Ladies and germs, say hello to THE BUS! I'm thinking maybe some Steeler Gold racing stripes, but I dunno, do racing stripes work on an SUV?
Altho someone at work thot it looked like a hearse. I'm good with that too. (An SUH?) I might have to put those squiggly things on the sides. It'll be the coolest hearse since the Jaguar hearse in "Harold And Maude" (or the psychedelic hearse in "Grand Theft Parsons").
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
89 COINKY-DINKS? I DON'T THINK SO!
Recently I got an email from someone in a band thanking me for the band name he found on my list of Unused Band Names, "Death By Papercut". I Googled it to see if I could find a website or a Myspace page for them, and to my dismay, I found another band using the name. I then realized I needed to Google all 560 band names on my Unused list to see how many others were being used without my knowledge. It's taken me about a week, and I ended up moving a whopping 89 band names from the Unused to the Used list. Yikes.
The majority of them had Myspace Music pages (which is the one thing Myspace is actually good for [and I know that's bad grammar right there, but screw it]), which makes it extremely hard for me to believe that they all got their names independent of my list!
I've never expected any compensation or credit for the names, but the least these folks could have done is let me know they were being used! All I've ever really wanted is for the names to be put to use, and to hear what the bands who end up using them sound like. So as soon as I gather all the links to these newly-discovered Used band names, I'll have them all posted over on unusedbandnames.blogspot.com.
The latest two additions came just this morning, when I got emails from band members wanting to use "The Little Red Wagon Repairmen" and "Samurai Sausage". So the Unused count is down to 471, and here's hoping they all eventually end up being used. (Heck, if Perry Farrell finds the list, they'll all be gone in no time...that guy goes through band names like Shake-N-Bake bags!)
***
In other news, Elliott Smith's creepy mug continues to stare at me from several of the Urge music channels. (I had previously wondered if he owned or was screwing whomever owned it, but apparently he's dead, so never mind.) It's going to give me nightmares at some point. I haven't been this creeped out by something staring at me since the VAB Building!*
*Note: The reference to the VAB Building is an inside joke. The tallest building in South Bend, Indiana used to be called the Valley American Bank Building, and it had "VAB" in large, friendly red letters at the top. (It has since changed hands once or twice and is now called the Chase Tower.) And whenever I visited my friend Willie over there, the VAB Building, which is said to be visible from everywhere in the city, was also visible from just about every window in Willie's house. Or at least every window I sat by. Every time I glanced out a window, there was "VAB" staring down at me, which started to really freak me out. Then after I'd come back home, and I'd talk to Willie on the phone, he'd easily scare the shit out of me by telling me the VAB Building was coming to get me. Yes, I was a grown man, scared of a building. I'm telling you, it was that creepy. (Good thing I haven't seen it lately, or I'd worry that, with "Chase" in large, friendly blue letters on top, that it's going to "Chase" me!)
Recently I got an email from someone in a band thanking me for the band name he found on my list of Unused Band Names, "Death By Papercut". I Googled it to see if I could find a website or a Myspace page for them, and to my dismay, I found another band using the name. I then realized I needed to Google all 560 band names on my Unused list to see how many others were being used without my knowledge. It's taken me about a week, and I ended up moving a whopping 89 band names from the Unused to the Used list. Yikes.
The majority of them had Myspace Music pages (which is the one thing Myspace is actually good for [and I know that's bad grammar right there, but screw it]), which makes it extremely hard for me to believe that they all got their names independent of my list!
I've never expected any compensation or credit for the names, but the least these folks could have done is let me know they were being used! All I've ever really wanted is for the names to be put to use, and to hear what the bands who end up using them sound like. So as soon as I gather all the links to these newly-discovered Used band names, I'll have them all posted over on unusedbandnames.blogspot.com.
The latest two additions came just this morning, when I got emails from band members wanting to use "The Little Red Wagon Repairmen" and "Samurai Sausage". So the Unused count is down to 471, and here's hoping they all eventually end up being used. (Heck, if Perry Farrell finds the list, they'll all be gone in no time...that guy goes through band names like Shake-N-Bake bags!)
***
In other news, Elliott Smith's creepy mug continues to stare at me from several of the Urge music channels. (I had previously wondered if he owned or was screwing whomever owned it, but apparently he's dead, so never mind.) It's going to give me nightmares at some point. I haven't been this creeped out by something staring at me since the VAB Building!*
*Note: The reference to the VAB Building is an inside joke. The tallest building in South Bend, Indiana used to be called the Valley American Bank Building, and it had "VAB" in large, friendly red letters at the top. (It has since changed hands once or twice and is now called the Chase Tower.) And whenever I visited my friend Willie over there, the VAB Building, which is said to be visible from everywhere in the city, was also visible from just about every window in Willie's house. Or at least every window I sat by. Every time I glanced out a window, there was "VAB" staring down at me, which started to really freak me out. Then after I'd come back home, and I'd talk to Willie on the phone, he'd easily scare the shit out of me by telling me the VAB Building was coming to get me. Yes, I was a grown man, scared of a building. I'm telling you, it was that creepy. (Good thing I haven't seen it lately, or I'd worry that, with "Chase" in large, friendly blue letters on top, that it's going to "Chase" me!)
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