MONARCH RELEASE 2008 PICS

Here are my picks for the top ten photos from this year's Monarch release...

#1 Monarch on sunflower (photo by Lori Anderson)

Kudos to my friend Lori for some damn fine butterfly-on-flower pics. I immediately used this one for a puzzle at JigZone.com.

#2 High five (photo by Lori Anderson)

I guess I don't look too hideous here, posing with our little three-legged pal we named after Dale Earnhardt.

#3 They're off! (photo by Lori Anderson)

Snapped plenty of shots of the actual release, but this is my fave. I like how they seem to be contained in that one cloud.

#4 Monarch taking a drink (photo by Lori Anderson)

You gotta look close, but you can see it sipping. This would also make a good puzzle.

#5 What are you doing with that Monarch on your nose? (photo by Lori Anderson)

That's little Earnhardt the Monarch again, here you can tell his right front leg is missing. He sat on my nose for maybe a half hour. After a while, I did feel a bit like Johnny Carson with the marmoset on his head.

#6 Grrr... (photo by Lori Anderson)

Looks like I was growling, but I didn't want to breathe on him and scare him away, so I had to talk out of the side of my mouth.

#7 Another good puzzle pic (photo by Lori Anderson)

Seriously, props to Lori again. JigZone is gonna love these.

#8 Never mind the big guy, look at me! (photo by Lori Anderson)

Little E was a real showoff. Total camera hog. He hung out with us for probably a whole hour striking various poses.

#9 Staring contest! (photo by Lori Anderson)

Not exactly a fair fight. Little E has a lot more eyes.

#10 "I'm the new Berlin Wall, baby...try and tear ME down!" (photo by Lori Anderson)

Okay, truth is I include this one only because it reminds me so much of the opening shot in "Hedwig And The Angry Inch". Case in point:

Hedwig in cape (photo NOT by Lori Anderson)


Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.6 C / 74.4 F

IT'S ABOUT TIME!

The Detroit Lions finally fired Matt Millen. The nightmare is over!

FLAMES ON AN AEROSTAR, PART 2

All that needless fuss over the 'lipstick on a pig' thing...now that I think about it, perhaps if he had said 'flames on an Aerostar' people wouldn't have gotten their panties in a bunch. Well, except perhaps Ford or the UAW. Perhaps a slight variation...how about 'racing stripes on a Yugo'?

Okay, what else? I already used 'whipped cream on dog shit', I'm sure I can think of some others. Maybe I'll send these to Barack, he might find one of them suitable. Or not.

You can put velvet drapes on an outhouse...
You can plant flowers in front of a garbage dump...
You can put gravy on headcheese...
You can put cheese sauce on broccoli... (nah, too much like Bush Sr.)
You can air the Olympics and the Super Bowl on NBC24...
You can have Sir Lawrence Olivier guest star on Gilligan's Island...
You can put a Tuxedo on the Elephant Man... (Variation: You can put an Armani suit on Kid Rock...)
You can build a ballpark and a hockey arena in downtown Toledo... (Variation: You can fix the streets in Tulsa...)
You can have Billie Holliday sing "Before He Cheats"... (Variation: You can have Pavarotti sing "Achy Breaky Heart"...)
You can have Fred Astaire do the Chicken Dance...
You can have Martin Scorcese direct "Joe Dirt"...

That's all I can come up with at the moment. If you can think of any, email them to askduckpond2008@sacbeemail.com

Current Duck Pond temperature:
22.6 C / 72.6 F

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

I don't know if they were decals or painted on, but today I saw flames on a Ford Aerostar. The ugliest minivan ever made (and I can say this because I used to own one).

Flames on an Aerostar...that's like putting whipped cream on dog shit. (Or maybe lipstick on a pig?)

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.0 C / 73.4 F
(No, that's not my body temperature. I'm not hypothermic. )

HELLOOOOOOOO???

Here's one of those song hooks that will stick to your brain like Velcro. Why should I suffer alone? Enjoy!

George Westerholm--"Trevor"
(from CBC's Winnipeg Comedy Festival)

BABS ASSURES ME I WILL NOT HAVE TO GO GAY

Good thing, too. I have a bad gag reflex.

Streisand to McCain: Women "are not that stupid!"

Current Duck Pond temperature:
22.3 C / 72.1 F

EXTREME UTTER STUPIDITY: TOLEDO EDITION

Oh how I wish I could have "Quantum Leap"-ed into Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner when it was announced that ABC was bringing their inane Extreme Ultimate Roasted Garlic Chipotle Smart Choice Not-So-Much-A-Make-Over-Or-Make-Better-As-Just-Plain-Tearing-Down-And-Replacing Home Improvement Whatever warped-reality show to town, so I could have shocked the entire city with a sudden, shockingly sane and level-headed (at least for Carty) suggestion to the show's producers that instead of building a new fancy-schmancy home for one family, perhaps it would be a neat idea to really do some good for our community, instead of just poser showbiz charity bullshit, by building some halfway-decent low-rent apartment buildings for the 100 or so families displaced by the recent Hunter's Ridge fire.

Just a thought.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
28.0 C / 82.4 F

PS: A follow-up to my post about "Ocho Cinco"...ESPN's Chris Berman said it best this morning when he described the current Cincy team as "Oucho Stinko".

JUST A QUICK RHYME I CAME UP WITH WHILE FIGHTING INSOMNIA

It will not stand, this bullshit,
because we will not stand for it,
because that is not what we stand for,
and we cannot stand it anymore.

Trust me, it's a lot funnier in the generic foreign accent I thought it up in.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
25.6 C / 78.0 F

IT'S OKAY BARRY, I'LL HANDLE THIS

As anyone with a brain knows by now, Barack Obama did not call Sarah Palin a pig.

But I will! I heard her speak last week, and she IS a pig!

In fact, she is what my mom would have called a D.C. The D stands for dumb. I'll let you figure out the C.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.7 C / 74.6 F

A CHAD BY ANY OTHER NAME IS STILL AN IDIOT

So Chad Johnson of the Cincinnazi Bungles had his name legally changed to Chad Ocho Cinco, then the NFL made him change the name on his jersey back to C. Johnson, by which I couldn't help but be reminded of that scene in Roots: "Your name is Toby!"



Now I'll defend Chad's right to change his name, but as Steve Dahl has repeatedly pointed out, "Ocho Cinco" translates to "Eight Five". If he wanted to get it right, he would change his last name to "Ochenta y Cinco" ("Eighty-Five").

But even then, what if he gets traded to another team that already has a player wearing 85 who doesn't want to relinquish it? Then he'll have to change his name again, thus becoming the Sean Combs of the NFL.

I COULD REALLY GO FOR A FIVE-STORY-HIGH ENGLISH MUFFIN RIGHT ABOUT NOW

Is it just me, or does the Indianapolis Colts' new home look like a giant toaster?



Instead of Lucas Oil, they should have sold the naming rights to Wonder Bread!

TOO DARK FOR LENO

Actual AP headline in the paper the other day:

EMPTY CARGO PLANE CRASHES IN FIELD; ALL 3 ON BOARD DIE

Current Duck Pond temperature:

24.1 C / 75.3 F

WOW

Well, much as I hate to admit it, despite my previous post, I actually did happen upon a bit of the telethon, but the act I caught absolutely blew my mind.

Click here to check out YouTube clips of Terry Fator. Set aside some time and just WATCH THEM ALL, they're all amazing!

Here's hoping Comedy Central or some other network gives this guy his own TV special. Or two, or three. As many as he wants! For as much money as he wants!

Official Terry Fator website

Current Duck Pond temperature:
27.6 C / 81.6 F