"ELITE 8", DAY 3
2003 TRIO AWARD (BEST COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR)
ALF, having won this award last year for 10-10-220, withdrew this year to give others a chance. As always, there were plenty of very good Nascar-related ads, especially Napa's Mikey & Dale Jr. spots, the best of which would have to be the restrictor plate over Mikey's mouth. Ads during races are on the whole better than those during the Super Bowl. The best ad of the year ran during the Super Bowl, though since it was during halftime, it wasn't included in the Ad Meter. (Of the ones that were, Pepsi's Osbournes spot was tops.)
Winner: Smirnoff Ice Triple Black--Blind Date ("Hi, you must be Brad...I'm Alex")
Previous winners: 2002--10-10-220--ALF, 2001--UPS--Dale Jarrett, 2000--FedEx--Steve Irwin, 1999--Cracker Jack--Industrial-Size Bag, 1998--Volkswagen--Goooool!, 1997--Volkswagen--Da Da Da
Tomorrow: Best Movie Of The Year
2003 SONG OF THE YEAR TOP 32 CONTENDERS:
(in alphabetical order)
All My Life--Foo Fighters
All The Things She Said--t.A.T.u.
Angry White Boy Polka--Weird Al Yankovic
At The Mall--Pansy Division
Closer To Free--Arthur Kill
Faint--Linkin Park
Genius In France--Weird Al Yankovic
Going In The Right Direction--Robert Randolph & The Family Band
He Whipped My Ass In Tennis, Then I Fucked His Ass In Bed--Pansy Division
Hey Superman--Dirty Power
Hit That--The Offspring
Hurt--Johnny Cash
Love Thing/Bass Solo--Joe Satriani/Stuart Hamm
LSD--Dirty Power
Never Did No Wanderin'--The Folksmen
No Protection--Pansy Division
Nookie--Limp Bizkit
One More Time--Mitch & Mickey
One Thing--Finger Eleven
One With Everything--Styx
Open Your Mind--Arthur Kill
Outside--Staind
Potato's In The Paddy Wagon--The New Main Street Singers
Rock It--Master P
She Hates Me--Puddle Of Mudd
So Far Away--Staind
Spiral--Pansy Division
Stupid Girl--Cold
Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam
Together--Styx
Trouble--Coldplay
Wanna B UR Lovr--Weird Al Yankovic
SONGS 33 thru 64:
33-Creatures (For A While)--311
34-Never Did No Wanderin'--The New Main Street Singers
35-Drag You Down--Dirty Power
36-In A World Gone Mad--Beastie Boys
37-The Best Revenge--Pansy Division
38-Bush's Stinkin' War--Laurie Swyers
39-Dirty Power--Dirty Power
40-Inside Out--Eve 6
41-These Are The Times--Styx
42-Blurry Down Below--Pansy Division
43-Loco Man--The Folksmen
44-You Are--Pearl Jam
45-It's No Good--Arthur Kill
46-Adam's Song--Blink 182
47-Really Safe Sex--Tim Cavanagh
48-Total Entertainment--Pansy Division
49-Yes I Can--Styx
50-Go Or Go Ahead--Rufus Wainwright
51-Bother--Corey Taylor (Stone Sour)
52-Running Away--Hoobastank
53-The Ballad Of Bobby And June--Mitch & Mickey
54-Too Many Hoops--Pansy Division
55-Can't Stop--Red Hot Chili Peppers
56-Bushleaguer--Pearl Jam
57-A Complicated Song--Weird Al Yankovic
58-Alpine Skiing--Pansy Division
59-Semi-Charmed Life--Third Eye Blind
60-Let's Talk Dirty To The Animals--Gilda Radner
61-Couch Potato--Weird Al Yankovic
62-Down--Arthur Kill
63-Flower--Pansy Division
64-14th Street--Rufus Wainwright
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
"ELITE 8", DAY 2
2003 MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
Coldplay's "The Scientist" (or is it "tsitneicS ehT" s'yalpdloC?) was fascinating to watch, Pansy Division's "Bad Boyfriend", though made a few years ago, was puppet-licious, and the flash animation a Weird Al fan did for his "Angry White Boy Polka" was nicely reminiscent of Taco The Wonder Dog. But in the end, I had to go with The Man In Black's haunting swan song.
Winner: Hurt--Johnny Cash
Previous winners: 2002--Trouble-Coldplay, 2001--Got A Bag Of Doritos--Taco The Wonder Dog, 2000--Combo #5--4-D Marketing
Tomorrow: Commercial Of The Year
2003 SONG OF THE YEAR TOP 64 CONTENDERS:
(in alphabetical order)
Adam's Song--Blink 182
All My Life--Foo Fighters
All The Things She Said--t.A.T.u.
Alpine Skiing--Pansy Division
Angry White Boy Polka--Weird Al Yankovic
At The Mall--Pansy Division
The Ballad Of Bobby And June--Mitch & Mickey
The Best Revenge--Pansy Division
Blurry Down Below--Pansy Division
Bother--Corey Taylor (Stone Sour)
Bushleaguer--Pearl Jam
Bush's Stinkin' War--Laurie Swyers
Can't Stop--Red Hot Chili Peppers
Closer To Free--Arthur Kill
A Complicated Song--Weird Al Yankovic
Couch Potato--Weird Al Yankovic
Creatures (For A While)--311
Dirty Power--Dirty Power
Down--Arthur Kill
Drag You Down--Dirty Power
Faint--Linkin Park
Flower--Pansy Division
14th Street--Rufus Wainwright
Genius In France--Weird Al Yankovic
Go Or Go Ahead--Rufus Wainwright
Going In The Right Direction--Robert Randolph & The Family Band
He Whipped My Ass In Tennis, Then I Fucked His Ass In Bed--Pansy Division
Hey Superman--Dirty Power
Hit That--The Offspring
Hurt--Johnny Cash
In A World Gone Mad--Beastie Boys
Inside Out--Eve 6
It's No Good--Arthur Kill
Let's Talk Dirty To The Animals--Gilda Radner
Loco Man--The Folksmen
Love Thing/Bass Solo--Joe Satriani/Stuart Hamm
LSD--Dirty Power
Never Did No Wanderin'--The Folksmen
Never Did No Wanderin'--The New Main Street Singers
No Protection--Pansy Division
Nookie--Limp Bizkit
One More Time--Mitch & Mickey
One Thing--Finger Eleven
One With Everything--Styx
Open Your Mind--Arthur Kill
Outside--Staind
Potato's In The Paddy Wagon--The New Main Street Singers
Really Safe Sex--Tim Cavanagh
Rock It--Master P
Running Away--Hoobastank
Semi-Charmed Life--Third Eye Blind
She Hates Me--Puddle Of Mudd
So Far Away--Staind
Spiral--Pansy Division
Stupid Girl--Cold
These Are The Times--Styx
Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam
Together--Styx
Too Many Hoops--Pansy Division
Total Entertainment--Pansy Division
Trouble--Coldplay
Wanna B UR Lovr--Weird Al Yankovic
Yes I Can--Styx
You Are--Pearl Jam
SONGS 65 thru 100:
65-The Rainbow--Ween
66-Amber--311
67-Hardware Store--Weird Al Yankovic
68-Waiting For Our Time--Styx
69-The Man Song (He's The Man)--Rodney Carrington
70-Big Coke--Taco The Wonder Dog
71-Last Resort--Papa Roach
72-Bring Me To Life--Evanescence
73-Start Me Up--The Folksmen
74-Party At The Leper Colony--Weird Al Yankovic
75-I Left My Sperm In A Fag Named Cisco--John Valby
76-E.I.--Nelly
77-Lo Que Siente La Whore--Swiss Miss and Jonathan Quinny
78-Overcome--Live
79-Love Boat Captain--Pearl Jam
80-Fare Away--The New Main Street Singers
81-Come Sail Away--Eric Cartman
82-Lady Danzig--Dirty Power
83-A Mighty Wind--The Folksmen, Mitch & Mickey, and The New Main Street Singers
84-Territories--Rush
85-Can't Keep--Pearl Jam
86-I'm Alright--Pansy Division
87-Find The River--R.E.M.
88-Kiss Your Ass Goodbye--Styx
89-First Betrayal--Pansy Division
90-Shine--Lil' Wayne
91-Bandages--Hot Hot Heat
92-Landslide (Sheryl Crow remix)--Dixie Chicks
93-Lights Out--Lisa Marie Presley
94-Yellow Brick Road--Arthur Kill
95-Asthma Pimp--Dirty Power
96-Blood On The Coal--The Folksmen
97-Fade--Staind
98-Suck On My Cock--John Valby
99-Headstrong--Trapt
100-In A Graveyard--Rufus Wainwright
2003 MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
Coldplay's "The Scientist" (or is it "tsitneicS ehT" s'yalpdloC?) was fascinating to watch, Pansy Division's "Bad Boyfriend", though made a few years ago, was puppet-licious, and the flash animation a Weird Al fan did for his "Angry White Boy Polka" was nicely reminiscent of Taco The Wonder Dog. But in the end, I had to go with The Man In Black's haunting swan song.
Winner: Hurt--Johnny Cash
Previous winners: 2002--Trouble-Coldplay, 2001--Got A Bag Of Doritos--Taco The Wonder Dog, 2000--Combo #5--4-D Marketing
Tomorrow: Commercial Of The Year
2003 SONG OF THE YEAR TOP 64 CONTENDERS:
(in alphabetical order)
Adam's Song--Blink 182
All My Life--Foo Fighters
All The Things She Said--t.A.T.u.
Alpine Skiing--Pansy Division
Angry White Boy Polka--Weird Al Yankovic
At The Mall--Pansy Division
The Ballad Of Bobby And June--Mitch & Mickey
The Best Revenge--Pansy Division
Blurry Down Below--Pansy Division
Bother--Corey Taylor (Stone Sour)
Bushleaguer--Pearl Jam
Bush's Stinkin' War--Laurie Swyers
Can't Stop--Red Hot Chili Peppers
Closer To Free--Arthur Kill
A Complicated Song--Weird Al Yankovic
Couch Potato--Weird Al Yankovic
Creatures (For A While)--311
Dirty Power--Dirty Power
Down--Arthur Kill
Drag You Down--Dirty Power
Faint--Linkin Park
Flower--Pansy Division
14th Street--Rufus Wainwright
Genius In France--Weird Al Yankovic
Go Or Go Ahead--Rufus Wainwright
Going In The Right Direction--Robert Randolph & The Family Band
He Whipped My Ass In Tennis, Then I Fucked His Ass In Bed--Pansy Division
Hey Superman--Dirty Power
Hit That--The Offspring
Hurt--Johnny Cash
In A World Gone Mad--Beastie Boys
Inside Out--Eve 6
It's No Good--Arthur Kill
Let's Talk Dirty To The Animals--Gilda Radner
Loco Man--The Folksmen
Love Thing/Bass Solo--Joe Satriani/Stuart Hamm
LSD--Dirty Power
Never Did No Wanderin'--The Folksmen
Never Did No Wanderin'--The New Main Street Singers
No Protection--Pansy Division
Nookie--Limp Bizkit
One More Time--Mitch & Mickey
One Thing--Finger Eleven
One With Everything--Styx
Open Your Mind--Arthur Kill
Outside--Staind
Potato's In The Paddy Wagon--The New Main Street Singers
Really Safe Sex--Tim Cavanagh
Rock It--Master P
Running Away--Hoobastank
Semi-Charmed Life--Third Eye Blind
She Hates Me--Puddle Of Mudd
So Far Away--Staind
Spiral--Pansy Division
Stupid Girl--Cold
These Are The Times--Styx
Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam
Together--Styx
Too Many Hoops--Pansy Division
Total Entertainment--Pansy Division
Trouble--Coldplay
Wanna B UR Lovr--Weird Al Yankovic
Yes I Can--Styx
You Are--Pearl Jam
SONGS 65 thru 100:
65-The Rainbow--Ween
66-Amber--311
67-Hardware Store--Weird Al Yankovic
68-Waiting For Our Time--Styx
69-The Man Song (He's The Man)--Rodney Carrington
70-Big Coke--Taco The Wonder Dog
71-Last Resort--Papa Roach
72-Bring Me To Life--Evanescence
73-Start Me Up--The Folksmen
74-Party At The Leper Colony--Weird Al Yankovic
75-I Left My Sperm In A Fag Named Cisco--John Valby
76-E.I.--Nelly
77-Lo Que Siente La Whore--Swiss Miss and Jonathan Quinny
78-Overcome--Live
79-Love Boat Captain--Pearl Jam
80-Fare Away--The New Main Street Singers
81-Come Sail Away--Eric Cartman
82-Lady Danzig--Dirty Power
83-A Mighty Wind--The Folksmen, Mitch & Mickey, and The New Main Street Singers
84-Territories--Rush
85-Can't Keep--Pearl Jam
86-I'm Alright--Pansy Division
87-Find The River--R.E.M.
88-Kiss Your Ass Goodbye--Styx
89-First Betrayal--Pansy Division
90-Shine--Lil' Wayne
91-Bandages--Hot Hot Heat
92-Landslide (Sheryl Crow remix)--Dixie Chicks
93-Lights Out--Lisa Marie Presley
94-Yellow Brick Road--Arthur Kill
95-Asthma Pimp--Dirty Power
96-Blood On The Coal--The Folksmen
97-Fade--Staind
98-Suck On My Cock--John Valby
99-Headstrong--Trapt
100-In A Graveyard--Rufus Wainwright
Monday, March 01, 2004
THE DUCK POND'S 2003 "ELITE 8" YEAR-END AWARDS
Am I late? I don't think so. In past years, January and February have been a sort of gray area between years. Plus in some respects I like to think of years as beginning and ending with my birthday, March 8th. So, let's kick off this 8-day extravaganza with the first Elite 8 award, along with the top 100 contenders for the 2003 SOTY (Song Of The Year). First up:
WEBSITE OF THE YEAR
Rather than engage in award-masturbation as I did last year, I'll refrain from giving the award to The Duck Pond again. Instead it's time to recognize the site I use perhaps more often than any other, as it has been steadily improving over time.
WINNER--The Steve Dahl Show (www.dahl.com)
Honorable mention: Pansy Division, Dirty Power, Mark Morford
Past winners: 2002--The Duck Pond, 2001--Taco The Wonder Dog, 2000--The Brunching Shuttlecocks
Tomorrow: Music Video Of The Year
And now, here's the field for the 2003 SOTY. Tomorrow, songs 65-100 will fall into their final positions, while the top 64 "survive", if you will. Then each day afterwards, the bottom half of the remaining songs will fall into their final positions, with the top 2 SOTY "survivors" being revealed next Monday.
2003 SONG OF THE YEAR TOP 100 CONTENDERS:
(in alphabetical order)
Adam's Song--Blink 182
All My Life--Foo Fighters
All The Things She Said--t.A.T.u.
Alpine Skiing--Pansy Division
Amber--311
Angry White Boy Polka--Weird Al Yankovic
Asthma Pimp--Dirty Power
At The Mall--Pansy Division
The Ballad Of Bobby And June--Mitch & Mickey
Bandages--Hot Hot Heat
The Best Revenge--Pansy Division
Big Coke--Taco The Wonder Dog
Blood On The Coal--The Folksmen
Blurry Down Below--Pansy Division
Bother--Corey Taylor (Stone Sour)
Bring Me To Life--Evanescence
Bushleaguer--Pearl Jam
Bush's Stinkin' War--Laurie Swyers
Can't Keep--Pearl Jam
Can't Stop--Red Hot Chili Peppers
Closer To Free--Arthur Kill
Come Sail Away--Eric Cartman
A Complicated Song--Weird Al Yankovic
Couch Potato--Weird Al Yankovic
Creatures (For A While)--311
Dirty Power--Dirty Power
Down--Arthur Kill
Drag You Down--Dirty Power
E.I.--Nelly
Fade--Staind
Faint--Linkin Park
Fare Away--The New Main Street Singers
Find The River--R.E.M.
First Betrayal--Pansy Division
Flower--Pansy Division
14th Street--Rufus Wainwright
Genius In France--Weird Al Yankovic
Go Or Go Ahead--Rufus Wainwright
Going In The Right Direction--Robert Randolph & The Family Band
Hardware Store--Weird Al Yankovic
He Whipped My Ass In Tennis, Then I Fucked His Ass In Bed--Pansy Division
Headstrong--Trapt
Hey Superman--Dirty Power
Hit That--The Offspring
Hurt--Johnny Cash
I Left My Sperm In A Fag Named Cisco--John Valby
I'm Alright--Pansy Division
In A Graveyard--Rufus Wainwright
In A World Gone Mad--Beastie Boys
Inside Out--Eve 6
It's No Good--Arthur Kill
Kiss Your Ass Goodbye--Styx
Lady Danzig--Dirty Power
Landslide (Sheryl Crow remix)--Dixie Chicks
Last Resort--Papa Roach
Let's Talk Dirty To The Animals--Gilda Radner
Lights Out--Lisa Marie Presley
Lo Que Siente La Whore--Swiss Miss and Jonathan Quinny
Loco Man--The Folksmen
Love Boat Captain--Pearl Jam
Love Thing/Bass Solo--Joe Satriani/Stuart Hamm
LSD--Dirty Power
The Man Song (He's The Man)--Rodney Carrington
A Mighty Wind--The Folksmen, Mitch & Mickey, and The New Main Street Singers
Never Did No Wanderin'--The Folksmen
Never Did No Wanderin'--The New Main Street Singers
No Protection--Pansy Division
Nookie--Limp Bizkit
One More Time--Mitch & Mickey
One Thing--Finger Eleven
One With Everything--Styx
Open Your Mind--Arthur Kill
Outside--Staind
Overcome--Live
Party At The Leper Colony--Weird Al Yankovic
Potato's In The Paddy Wagon--The New Main Street Singers
The Rainbow--Ween
Really Safe Sex--Tim Cavanagh
Rock It--Master P
Running Away--Hoobastank
Semi-Charmed Life--Third Eye Blind
She Hates Me--Puddle Of Mudd
Shine--Lil' Wayne
So Far Away--Staind
Spiral--Pansy Division
Start Me Up--The Folksmen
Stupid Girl--Cold
Suck On My Cock--John Valby
Territories--Rush
These Are The Times--Styx
Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam
Together--Styx
Too Many Hoops--Pansy Division
Total Entertainment--Pansy Division
Trouble--Coldplay
Waiting For Our Time--Styx
Wanna B UR Lovr--Weird Al Yankovic
Yellow Brick Road--Arthur Kill
Yes I Can--Styx
You Are--Pearl Jam
Am I late? I don't think so. In past years, January and February have been a sort of gray area between years. Plus in some respects I like to think of years as beginning and ending with my birthday, March 8th. So, let's kick off this 8-day extravaganza with the first Elite 8 award, along with the top 100 contenders for the 2003 SOTY (Song Of The Year). First up:
WEBSITE OF THE YEAR
Rather than engage in award-masturbation as I did last year, I'll refrain from giving the award to The Duck Pond again. Instead it's time to recognize the site I use perhaps more often than any other, as it has been steadily improving over time.
WINNER--The Steve Dahl Show (www.dahl.com)
Honorable mention: Pansy Division, Dirty Power, Mark Morford
Past winners: 2002--The Duck Pond, 2001--Taco The Wonder Dog, 2000--The Brunching Shuttlecocks
Tomorrow: Music Video Of The Year
And now, here's the field for the 2003 SOTY. Tomorrow, songs 65-100 will fall into their final positions, while the top 64 "survive", if you will. Then each day afterwards, the bottom half of the remaining songs will fall into their final positions, with the top 2 SOTY "survivors" being revealed next Monday.
2003 SONG OF THE YEAR TOP 100 CONTENDERS:
(in alphabetical order)
Adam's Song--Blink 182
All My Life--Foo Fighters
All The Things She Said--t.A.T.u.
Alpine Skiing--Pansy Division
Amber--311
Angry White Boy Polka--Weird Al Yankovic
Asthma Pimp--Dirty Power
At The Mall--Pansy Division
The Ballad Of Bobby And June--Mitch & Mickey
Bandages--Hot Hot Heat
The Best Revenge--Pansy Division
Big Coke--Taco The Wonder Dog
Blood On The Coal--The Folksmen
Blurry Down Below--Pansy Division
Bother--Corey Taylor (Stone Sour)
Bring Me To Life--Evanescence
Bushleaguer--Pearl Jam
Bush's Stinkin' War--Laurie Swyers
Can't Keep--Pearl Jam
Can't Stop--Red Hot Chili Peppers
Closer To Free--Arthur Kill
Come Sail Away--Eric Cartman
A Complicated Song--Weird Al Yankovic
Couch Potato--Weird Al Yankovic
Creatures (For A While)--311
Dirty Power--Dirty Power
Down--Arthur Kill
Drag You Down--Dirty Power
E.I.--Nelly
Fade--Staind
Faint--Linkin Park
Fare Away--The New Main Street Singers
Find The River--R.E.M.
First Betrayal--Pansy Division
Flower--Pansy Division
14th Street--Rufus Wainwright
Genius In France--Weird Al Yankovic
Go Or Go Ahead--Rufus Wainwright
Going In The Right Direction--Robert Randolph & The Family Band
Hardware Store--Weird Al Yankovic
He Whipped My Ass In Tennis, Then I Fucked His Ass In Bed--Pansy Division
Headstrong--Trapt
Hey Superman--Dirty Power
Hit That--The Offspring
Hurt--Johnny Cash
I Left My Sperm In A Fag Named Cisco--John Valby
I'm Alright--Pansy Division
In A Graveyard--Rufus Wainwright
In A World Gone Mad--Beastie Boys
Inside Out--Eve 6
It's No Good--Arthur Kill
Kiss Your Ass Goodbye--Styx
Lady Danzig--Dirty Power
Landslide (Sheryl Crow remix)--Dixie Chicks
Last Resort--Papa Roach
Let's Talk Dirty To The Animals--Gilda Radner
Lights Out--Lisa Marie Presley
Lo Que Siente La Whore--Swiss Miss and Jonathan Quinny
Loco Man--The Folksmen
Love Boat Captain--Pearl Jam
Love Thing/Bass Solo--Joe Satriani/Stuart Hamm
LSD--Dirty Power
The Man Song (He's The Man)--Rodney Carrington
A Mighty Wind--The Folksmen, Mitch & Mickey, and The New Main Street Singers
Never Did No Wanderin'--The Folksmen
Never Did No Wanderin'--The New Main Street Singers
No Protection--Pansy Division
Nookie--Limp Bizkit
One More Time--Mitch & Mickey
One Thing--Finger Eleven
One With Everything--Styx
Open Your Mind--Arthur Kill
Outside--Staind
Overcome--Live
Party At The Leper Colony--Weird Al Yankovic
Potato's In The Paddy Wagon--The New Main Street Singers
The Rainbow--Ween
Really Safe Sex--Tim Cavanagh
Rock It--Master P
Running Away--Hoobastank
Semi-Charmed Life--Third Eye Blind
She Hates Me--Puddle Of Mudd
Shine--Lil' Wayne
So Far Away--Staind
Spiral--Pansy Division
Start Me Up--The Folksmen
Stupid Girl--Cold
Suck On My Cock--John Valby
Territories--Rush
These Are The Times--Styx
Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam
Together--Styx
Too Many Hoops--Pansy Division
Total Entertainment--Pansy Division
Trouble--Coldplay
Waiting For Our Time--Styx
Wanna B UR Lovr--Weird Al Yankovic
Yellow Brick Road--Arthur Kill
Yes I Can--Styx
You Are--Pearl Jam
Sunday, February 29, 2004
2004 ALF CUP PLAYOFFS
It's on! The ALF Cup playoffs are officially underway. Here's a look at the matchups:
First Round--Feb 29-Mar 6
16-WKRP In Cincinnati vs 17-Nova
9-An American In Canada vs 24-Most Extreme Elimination Challenge
13-Boohbah vs 20-Futurama
12-South Park vs 21-TV Funhouse
15-Beavis & Butt-head vs 18-The Ernie Kovacs Show
10-The Kids In The Hall vs 23-Sportscentury
14-The Shield vs 19-Monk
11-Family Guy vs 22-Fawlty Towers
Second Round--Mar 7-13
1-Royal Canadian Air Farce vs 16/17 winner
8-Rick Mercer's Monday Report vs 9/24 winner
4-Queer Eye For The Straight Guy vs 13/20 winner
5-The Red Green Show vs 12/21 winner
2-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 15/18 winner
7-The Newsroom vs 10/23 winner
3-Survivor vs 14/19 winner
6-The Simpsons vs 11/22 winner
Quarterfinals--Mar 14-20
Semifinals--Mar 21-27
2004 ALF Cup Grand Final--Mar 28-Apr 3
PS: Starting Monday, I'll be announcing the "Elite 8" year-end awards, one per day thru the 8th. Find out 2003's best website, music video, commercial, movie, album, catch phrase, rookie, and last but not least, the winner of what has been the most competitive Song Of The Year tournament EVER!
It's on! The ALF Cup playoffs are officially underway. Here's a look at the matchups:
First Round--Feb 29-Mar 6
16-WKRP In Cincinnati vs 17-Nova
9-An American In Canada vs 24-Most Extreme Elimination Challenge
13-Boohbah vs 20-Futurama
12-South Park vs 21-TV Funhouse
15-Beavis & Butt-head vs 18-The Ernie Kovacs Show
10-The Kids In The Hall vs 23-Sportscentury
14-The Shield vs 19-Monk
11-Family Guy vs 22-Fawlty Towers
Second Round--Mar 7-13
1-Royal Canadian Air Farce vs 16/17 winner
8-Rick Mercer's Monday Report vs 9/24 winner
4-Queer Eye For The Straight Guy vs 13/20 winner
5-The Red Green Show vs 12/21 winner
2-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 15/18 winner
7-The Newsroom vs 10/23 winner
3-Survivor vs 14/19 winner
6-The Simpsons vs 11/22 winner
Quarterfinals--Mar 14-20
Semifinals--Mar 21-27
2004 ALF Cup Grand Final--Mar 28-Apr 3
PS: Starting Monday, I'll be announcing the "Elite 8" year-end awards, one per day thru the 8th. Find out 2003's best website, music video, commercial, movie, album, catch phrase, rookie, and last but not least, the winner of what has been the most competitive Song Of The Year tournament EVER!
Friday, February 27, 2004
BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (FEB 27-MAR 5)
(Had to re-format the concept. Doesn't have to be ten anymore, could be more or less, and they're no longer ranked.)
Buck 69--Wednesday at Bronze Boar
Knee Deep Shag--tonight at Magic Bag
Local Anesthetic--Saturday at Sports Zone
The Penetration--Thursday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Trunk Monkeys--tonight at Game Time Sports
(Had to re-format the concept. Doesn't have to be ten anymore, could be more or less, and they're no longer ranked.)
Buck 69--Wednesday at Bronze Boar
Knee Deep Shag--tonight at Magic Bag
Local Anesthetic--Saturday at Sports Zone
The Penetration--Thursday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Trunk Monkeys--tonight at Game Time Sports
Monday, February 23, 2004
Friday, February 13, 2004
AND SPEAKING OF CHUBBY GALS WITH MORE BODACIOUS TA-TA'S THAN JANET JACKSON...
Meanwhile...
DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (FEB 13-19)
10. 40 Below Summer--Sunday at Headliners
9. Saturn-nine Hello--Saturday at Headliners
8. Rib--Saturday at Magic Bag
7. Mushroom-Head--Wednesday at Headliners
6. Glass Bead Game--Thursday at Mickey Finn's Pub
5. Unbanded Brothers--Saturday at Mainstreet Roadhouse
4. The Killer Flamingos--tonight at Magic Bag
3. Grip Shifter--Saturday at Sports Zone
2. Jill in the Box--tonight at Headliners
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Here Come the Robots--Saturday at Headliners
Meanwhile...
DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (FEB 13-19)
10. 40 Below Summer--Sunday at Headliners
9. Saturn-nine Hello--Saturday at Headliners
8. Rib--Saturday at Magic Bag
7. Mushroom-Head--Wednesday at Headliners
6. Glass Bead Game--Thursday at Mickey Finn's Pub
5. Unbanded Brothers--Saturday at Mainstreet Roadhouse
4. The Killer Flamingos--tonight at Magic Bag
3. Grip Shifter--Saturday at Sports Zone
2. Jill in the Box--tonight at Headliners
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Here Come the Robots--Saturday at Headliners
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
A QUICKIE
Okay, don't hold your breath waiting for my Super Sunday recap, there's not much to say that hasn't already been said elsewhere. Also there was another dearth of interesting band names this past week, except for Gopherbroke.
Screw it, here's my belated Super Sunday recap, Reader's Digest version...
Game: Panthers coach John Fox should be fired. If it weren't for all that 2-point conversion nonsense the game would have gone into OT 31-31. NFL coaches just don't understand 2-point conversions. Yet another reason the CFL is way better.
Commercials: IMHO, best ad was the American Legacy Foundation (A.L.F.)'s "Shards-O-Glass Freeze Pops". Dale Jr.'s ad was very good, other Budweiser ads: yeah, whatever. Why does the very first ad always win the Ad Meter? Pepsi and Spike Lee gave props to us chubby chasers. There were too damn many movie trailers. Where's the props for Homer Simpson's ad? And oh yeah, Mike Ditka MUST DIE!
Halftime incident #1: Kid Rock caught shit for his flag pancho. If I had been there I REALLY would have caught some shit: I would've set it on fire. What, that's what you're supposed to do with a torn or damaged flag, isn't it?
Halftime incident #2: Janet's tit...WHO CARES?! I've seen better lumps in oatmeal! She's got nothing on the bodacious ta-ta's possessed by some recent chubby female friends of mine. Janet, get back to me when you're around 200# or so, k?
Halftime incident #3: The streaker just prior to the second half kickoff was actually promoting some stupid online gambling site. Lord of the Dance? I don't think so. Let's just call him Lord of No Pants!
The ensuing fallout from the Janet incident: Steve Dahl said it best...It was 2004, then Janet's breast flops out, next thing you know it's 1954 and Joe McCarthy is running around.
I'm sleepy, so I'm done for now.
Okay, don't hold your breath waiting for my Super Sunday recap, there's not much to say that hasn't already been said elsewhere. Also there was another dearth of interesting band names this past week, except for Gopherbroke.
Screw it, here's my belated Super Sunday recap, Reader's Digest version...
Game: Panthers coach John Fox should be fired. If it weren't for all that 2-point conversion nonsense the game would have gone into OT 31-31. NFL coaches just don't understand 2-point conversions. Yet another reason the CFL is way better.
Commercials: IMHO, best ad was the American Legacy Foundation (A.L.F.)'s "Shards-O-Glass Freeze Pops". Dale Jr.'s ad was very good, other Budweiser ads: yeah, whatever. Why does the very first ad always win the Ad Meter? Pepsi and Spike Lee gave props to us chubby chasers. There were too damn many movie trailers. Where's the props for Homer Simpson's ad? And oh yeah, Mike Ditka MUST DIE!
Halftime incident #1: Kid Rock caught shit for his flag pancho. If I had been there I REALLY would have caught some shit: I would've set it on fire. What, that's what you're supposed to do with a torn or damaged flag, isn't it?
Halftime incident #2: Janet's tit...WHO CARES?! I've seen better lumps in oatmeal! She's got nothing on the bodacious ta-ta's possessed by some recent chubby female friends of mine. Janet, get back to me when you're around 200# or so, k?
Halftime incident #3: The streaker just prior to the second half kickoff was actually promoting some stupid online gambling site. Lord of the Dance? I don't think so. Let's just call him Lord of No Pants!
The ensuing fallout from the Janet incident: Steve Dahl said it best...It was 2004, then Janet's breast flops out, next thing you know it's 1954 and Joe McCarthy is running around.
I'm sleepy, so I'm done for now.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
(I was planning to write something about the whole Janet Jackson thang, but my friend, NWOPC colleague, and absolute freakin' genius Terry Lodge sums it up far better than I could ever hope to. In fact, so does Mark Morford. [In factual fact, I'm just being lazy.] These two guys, they're no boobs! Enjoy.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LODGE'S RANT-O'-THE-DAY: To the FCC, a request from the Boobs and Body Parts Fairness Campaign
From: "Terry Lodge"
Subject: To the FCC: A request from the Boobs and Body Parts Fairness Campaign
To: mpowell@fcc.gov, kabernat@fcc.gov, mcopps@fcc.gov, kjmweb@fcc.gov, jadelste@fcc.gov
To the Members of the Federal Communications Commission:
I wholly agree that an inquiry into the carefully-rehearsed, staged exposure of Janet Jackson's surgically-enhanced cleavage is of the highest priority for the FCC. In fact, the bluenoses at the Justice Department should impose a heightened alert setting - perhaps Code Red - over this catastrophe.
The horrifying principal evidence in this priority investigation should be played, replayed, and yes, replayed again on all networks for weeks to come, so that the public will know fully of this threat to our grave national insecurity over sex. I certainly wish the Federal Communications Commission well in its quest to finally cleanse our privatized, media-concentrated airwaves of every disgusting hint at the existence of warmth, intimacy and the nonviolent exchange of love between the genders.
But your efforts must go farther, and that's why I'm writing. I'm making a plea on behalf of increased TV coverage for other parts of the body - specifically, the shredded, mangled, pulped, bloodied, detached limbs and heads of U.S. troops that continue to spew from the dozens of bloody bombings, mortar and rocket attacks in Iraq. These violent detachments and decapitations are never aired. Perhaps a concerted FCC effort toward the showing of fewer tits and more body bits would help address the FCC's twin goals of affording the media-consuming American public more choices, even as it diverts their minds from acting upon their dirty-minded sexual proclivities.
And so, I'm demanding as urgent an investigation into the chronic absence of gaping, bloody, hamburgerized limbs and skulls from our TV screens, as has been undertaken into the presence of Janet Jackson's boob on those same screens. To assist the FCC, I'm placing the full resources of my "Boobs and Body Parts Fairness Campaign" at your disposal so that we might get to the bottom (oops, apologies, no sexual innuendo intended) of this remarkable discrepancy.
Please help; a Red Alert may hang in the balance.
Terry Lodge
P.S. Yes, I really did send this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Curse Words For Janet Jackson
Daddy, why does that f--ing politician hate women's breasts? Because he's a s-- and a hypocrite, honey
(By Mark Morford)
Jaws were clenched. Brows were furrowed. Scowls were scowled. Fake sanctimony was hissed. Pasty cellulitic butts were scrunched. This is what happened.
Just last week, well before Janet Jackson reignited her limp career in the most nipple-riffic PR stunt in months, uptight members of Congress from all corners squeezed their narrow ideologies into little fiery balls and decided to berate, as they so often do, radio and TV for being "vile, crude, disgusting, and awful," yo hey pot kettle black. And, lo, lightning did not strike them dead on the spot.
Why the outburst? Because Bono said the delicious f-word during the Golden Globes, and it wasn't edited out. Because a few of the country's crude 'n' obnoxious Clear Channel shock-radio stations you would never listen to because you have taste and a brain aired one of those vapid sexist gag radio bits that appeal only to semicatatonic homophobic frat boys.
Oh, and because S.F.'s own KRON-TV dared to accidentally flash a shot of a real penis during a segment about the very much not-all-that-funny "Puppetry of the Penis" theater show. Shocking. Appalling. Honey cover your eyes.
And thus did the sanctimonious pseudo-Christian cry go out, powerful and time tested by politicians worldwide, guaranteed to induce fear and ignorance and allow them to paint themselves as all self-righteous and ethical and pretend they're not a corporate shill raping the environment from the back pocket of an oil lobbyist: Who -- pray, who -- will protect the children?
So the politicians, they hissed, they derided, they wrapped themselves in cloaks of hypocrisy and righteousness and proposed a bill to quintuple the Federal Communication Commission's powers to punish "crude, vile" media violators -- i.e., anyone who broadcasts certain "forbidden" swear words or exposes genitalia or offers up crude schlock-radio pap, as if these are the true demons of society, the true leeches sucking the souls of the virtuous and the young. Wrong again, pols.
Which leads us, naturally, straight to Janet Jackson's nipple. To the instantly infamous fully intentional breast-exposing PR stunt wherein Justin Timberlake "accidentally" ripped off one of Janet's breast plates, exposing one actually quite cool silver sunburst nipple shield, just before a panicky NBC cut to a much more morally virtuous Pepsi commercial.
Once again, America was shocked and appalled. Families were horrified. Civilizations trembled. Churches crumbled. Eighty-nine million viewers gasped and made the sign of the cross and realized just how desperate Janet's career must've been that she had to try to pull that one off. So to speak.
And oh yes, children were traumatized, too. Deeply scarred. Forever and ever. So very sad.
Because children are always traumatized by such events, aren't they? The wee ones simply can't handle sex and nudity and swearing and it's a wonder the damn little things can get out of bed in the morning, what with all the f-words and exposed nipples and penises flopping around out there. Right, senator? The poor dears. Thank god for Spongebob.
So outraged was the populace that Michael Powell, sanctimonious head of the FCC, he of the flagrant corporate whoring who recently tried to cram through new rules that would've allowed a handful of media giants to own almost every media outlet in the nation, is actually launching a probe into the Janet episode. How cute.
This is the message: A woman's bare breast is a horrific and disturbing thing, completely inappropriate for an afternoon of wholesome macho homoerotic skull-bashing NFL violence and endless hours of nauseating commercial crassness -- unless the woman is, you know, a cheerleader. Now rush off to bed kids, and read your Bibles while Mommy and Daddy pop some Zoloft and Levitra and crack a few Bud Lights and head off to the fetish dungeon to lick our new Ford GT. Got it.
Yes, a woman's flesh is unspeakable evil. However, umpteen erectile-dysfunction commercials and crotch-biting pisswater Bud Light commercials and toxic-junk-food commercials and faux-macho truck commercials and the ad featuring two old people beating each other up over a bag of greasy potato chips, why, that's just tasteful, healthy capitalism. Is that it, Mike? Politicians? Just want to be clear.
Because there is no outcry. There are no snide FCC honchos or uptight politicians hurling the terms "vile," "disgusting" and "crude" at the true poisons of the culture, like those above -- not to mention politicians' own oil cronyism or easy lies about war, or the decimation of our foreign policy. You want to talk vile and disgusting, senator? Have you seen the new BushCo budget?
Most telling side note: Bono, of U2, was barred from performing a song about AIDS awareness at the Super Bowl because he is "too political," given how he fights for those horrible un-American causes of peace and Third World debt relief.
But pseudo-gangsta P. Diddy can pimp like a talentless thug and Kid Rock can, well, be Kid Rock and NFL players can kneel in smarmy bogus prayer rituals, praying fervently to crush the other team's vertebrae and win a shiny trophy. My God but we are so beautifully, deeply screwed.
Mind, this is no impassioned defense of vulgar radio or tacky overblown halftime stunts, which are, by American tradition, inane and insulting on 157 levels. After all, a nation gets exactly the type of schlock entertainment it deserves. And, as for the children, well, if you let your 5-year-old listen to Howard Stern, you get exactly the kind of kid you deserve, too.
But in the final analysis, which is more harmful to your innocent unsoiled perfect child? Hearing Bono say "this is really fucking brilliant" during the Golden Globes and ogling Janet Jackson's PR-happy breast for all of 1.7 seconds, or the endless stream of blood-soaked images of BushCo's bogus war machine interspersed with never-ending commercials featuring misogyny, bestiality, cheap beer and toxic sodas, along with arrays of pneumatic bleached-toothed cheerleaders doing the splits while sweaty 300-pound men in tights pulverize each other like gorillas on meth?
Verily, congressman, and truly, Mr. Powell, why are you not out there screaming and clenching your fists and protecting our innocent children from the endless array of sociocultural lies and abuses and corporate whorings you yourselves support and help perpetuate?
Why are you not, in short, ranting about the need to protect our children from the likes of, well, you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LODGE'S RANT-O'-THE-DAY: To the FCC, a request from the Boobs and Body Parts Fairness Campaign
From: "Terry Lodge"
Subject: To the FCC: A request from the Boobs and Body Parts Fairness Campaign
To: mpowell@fcc.gov, kabernat@fcc.gov, mcopps@fcc.gov, kjmweb@fcc.gov, jadelste@fcc.gov
To the Members of the Federal Communications Commission:
I wholly agree that an inquiry into the carefully-rehearsed, staged exposure of Janet Jackson's surgically-enhanced cleavage is of the highest priority for the FCC. In fact, the bluenoses at the Justice Department should impose a heightened alert setting - perhaps Code Red - over this catastrophe.
The horrifying principal evidence in this priority investigation should be played, replayed, and yes, replayed again on all networks for weeks to come, so that the public will know fully of this threat to our grave national insecurity over sex. I certainly wish the Federal Communications Commission well in its quest to finally cleanse our privatized, media-concentrated airwaves of every disgusting hint at the existence of warmth, intimacy and the nonviolent exchange of love between the genders.
But your efforts must go farther, and that's why I'm writing. I'm making a plea on behalf of increased TV coverage for other parts of the body - specifically, the shredded, mangled, pulped, bloodied, detached limbs and heads of U.S. troops that continue to spew from the dozens of bloody bombings, mortar and rocket attacks in Iraq. These violent detachments and decapitations are never aired. Perhaps a concerted FCC effort toward the showing of fewer tits and more body bits would help address the FCC's twin goals of affording the media-consuming American public more choices, even as it diverts their minds from acting upon their dirty-minded sexual proclivities.
And so, I'm demanding as urgent an investigation into the chronic absence of gaping, bloody, hamburgerized limbs and skulls from our TV screens, as has been undertaken into the presence of Janet Jackson's boob on those same screens. To assist the FCC, I'm placing the full resources of my "Boobs and Body Parts Fairness Campaign" at your disposal so that we might get to the bottom (oops, apologies, no sexual innuendo intended) of this remarkable discrepancy.
Please help; a Red Alert may hang in the balance.
Terry Lodge
P.S. Yes, I really did send this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Curse Words For Janet Jackson
Daddy, why does that f--ing politician hate women's breasts? Because he's a s-- and a hypocrite, honey
(By Mark Morford)
Jaws were clenched. Brows were furrowed. Scowls were scowled. Fake sanctimony was hissed. Pasty cellulitic butts were scrunched. This is what happened.
Just last week, well before Janet Jackson reignited her limp career in the most nipple-riffic PR stunt in months, uptight members of Congress from all corners squeezed their narrow ideologies into little fiery balls and decided to berate, as they so often do, radio and TV for being "vile, crude, disgusting, and awful," yo hey pot kettle black. And, lo, lightning did not strike them dead on the spot.
Why the outburst? Because Bono said the delicious f-word during the Golden Globes, and it wasn't edited out. Because a few of the country's crude 'n' obnoxious Clear Channel shock-radio stations you would never listen to because you have taste and a brain aired one of those vapid sexist gag radio bits that appeal only to semicatatonic homophobic frat boys.
Oh, and because S.F.'s own KRON-TV dared to accidentally flash a shot of a real penis during a segment about the very much not-all-that-funny "Puppetry of the Penis" theater show. Shocking. Appalling. Honey cover your eyes.
And thus did the sanctimonious pseudo-Christian cry go out, powerful and time tested by politicians worldwide, guaranteed to induce fear and ignorance and allow them to paint themselves as all self-righteous and ethical and pretend they're not a corporate shill raping the environment from the back pocket of an oil lobbyist: Who -- pray, who -- will protect the children?
So the politicians, they hissed, they derided, they wrapped themselves in cloaks of hypocrisy and righteousness and proposed a bill to quintuple the Federal Communication Commission's powers to punish "crude, vile" media violators -- i.e., anyone who broadcasts certain "forbidden" swear words or exposes genitalia or offers up crude schlock-radio pap, as if these are the true demons of society, the true leeches sucking the souls of the virtuous and the young. Wrong again, pols.
Which leads us, naturally, straight to Janet Jackson's nipple. To the instantly infamous fully intentional breast-exposing PR stunt wherein Justin Timberlake "accidentally" ripped off one of Janet's breast plates, exposing one actually quite cool silver sunburst nipple shield, just before a panicky NBC cut to a much more morally virtuous Pepsi commercial.
Once again, America was shocked and appalled. Families were horrified. Civilizations trembled. Churches crumbled. Eighty-nine million viewers gasped and made the sign of the cross and realized just how desperate Janet's career must've been that she had to try to pull that one off. So to speak.
And oh yes, children were traumatized, too. Deeply scarred. Forever and ever. So very sad.
Because children are always traumatized by such events, aren't they? The wee ones simply can't handle sex and nudity and swearing and it's a wonder the damn little things can get out of bed in the morning, what with all the f-words and exposed nipples and penises flopping around out there. Right, senator? The poor dears. Thank god for Spongebob.
So outraged was the populace that Michael Powell, sanctimonious head of the FCC, he of the flagrant corporate whoring who recently tried to cram through new rules that would've allowed a handful of media giants to own almost every media outlet in the nation, is actually launching a probe into the Janet episode. How cute.
This is the message: A woman's bare breast is a horrific and disturbing thing, completely inappropriate for an afternoon of wholesome macho homoerotic skull-bashing NFL violence and endless hours of nauseating commercial crassness -- unless the woman is, you know, a cheerleader. Now rush off to bed kids, and read your Bibles while Mommy and Daddy pop some Zoloft and Levitra and crack a few Bud Lights and head off to the fetish dungeon to lick our new Ford GT. Got it.
Yes, a woman's flesh is unspeakable evil. However, umpteen erectile-dysfunction commercials and crotch-biting pisswater Bud Light commercials and toxic-junk-food commercials and faux-macho truck commercials and the ad featuring two old people beating each other up over a bag of greasy potato chips, why, that's just tasteful, healthy capitalism. Is that it, Mike? Politicians? Just want to be clear.
Because there is no outcry. There are no snide FCC honchos or uptight politicians hurling the terms "vile," "disgusting" and "crude" at the true poisons of the culture, like those above -- not to mention politicians' own oil cronyism or easy lies about war, or the decimation of our foreign policy. You want to talk vile and disgusting, senator? Have you seen the new BushCo budget?
Most telling side note: Bono, of U2, was barred from performing a song about AIDS awareness at the Super Bowl because he is "too political," given how he fights for those horrible un-American causes of peace and Third World debt relief.
But pseudo-gangsta P. Diddy can pimp like a talentless thug and Kid Rock can, well, be Kid Rock and NFL players can kneel in smarmy bogus prayer rituals, praying fervently to crush the other team's vertebrae and win a shiny trophy. My God but we are so beautifully, deeply screwed.
Mind, this is no impassioned defense of vulgar radio or tacky overblown halftime stunts, which are, by American tradition, inane and insulting on 157 levels. After all, a nation gets exactly the type of schlock entertainment it deserves. And, as for the children, well, if you let your 5-year-old listen to Howard Stern, you get exactly the kind of kid you deserve, too.
But in the final analysis, which is more harmful to your innocent unsoiled perfect child? Hearing Bono say "this is really fucking brilliant" during the Golden Globes and ogling Janet Jackson's PR-happy breast for all of 1.7 seconds, or the endless stream of blood-soaked images of BushCo's bogus war machine interspersed with never-ending commercials featuring misogyny, bestiality, cheap beer and toxic sodas, along with arrays of pneumatic bleached-toothed cheerleaders doing the splits while sweaty 300-pound men in tights pulverize each other like gorillas on meth?
Verily, congressman, and truly, Mr. Powell, why are you not out there screaming and clenching your fists and protecting our innocent children from the endless array of sociocultural lies and abuses and corporate whorings you yourselves support and help perpetuate?
Why are you not, in short, ranting about the need to protect our children from the likes of, well, you?
Monday, February 02, 2004
ATTENTION, TINKY-WINKY: YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME ARE NOW OFFICIALLY OVER. PLEASE CLEAR OUT YOUR WORKSTATION AND TURN IN YOUR SWIPE CARD AT THE SECURITY DESK.
Think of it as Teletubbies: The Next Generation.
Boohbah! has arrived on the PBS airwaves. And with that, the 'Tubbies days of cultural significance have been shortened tenfold. They now seem rather quaint in comparison to their tricked-out successors.
For starters, in a street fight, the Boohbahs have the Tubbies outnumbered 5-4. And they seem to have a weight advantage. Most importantly, whereas the Tubbies have TV sets in their stomachs, the Boohbahs have the ability to fly. And the best part: They seem to be propelled by...yes, you guessed it, FLATULENCE!
I'm sure you all have the 'Tubbies memorized by now, so allow me to bring you up to speed on the Boohbahs. Pay attention, there WILL be a short quiz later.
Yellow--Humbah
Blue--Jumbah
Purple--Zumbah
Pink--Jingbah
Orange (my personal fave)--Zing Zing Zingbah
Now, if you count the pink one as representing red, all that's missing for a complete rainbow color set is a green one. (Maybe they'll add that one next season. They could name it "Goombah"!) Which brings us to the inevitable rumors, and in order to save time, and since someone has to start them, I might as well take the initiative:
The Boohbahs are gay.
Not just one. All five of them. I can't say for sure any of them have dated Tinky-Winky, but there. I've said it and I feel better for having said it. How else do you explain the frequent rainbow motifs throughout the show? Plus, they like to dance. A lot. And they're damn good at it (at least in the eyes of the target audience, ages 3-6, I would imagine). Hey, it's simple math: Rainbows + dancing = Butt pirates. And I hope I'm not out of line, but I would also postulate that their frequent flatulence may be the result of flaccid bowel muscles, brought on by...well, like I gotta draw you a map, folks.
Now, for those I haven't yet offended, let me take things a step further:
The Boohbahs are also Satan worshippers.
See, they do this thing a few times during the show where they hover in the air and join hands and form what sort of resembles a pentagram. Satanic ass rammers, weekdays at 10am on your local PBS station! Tune in, won't you?
[2010 P.S.: Satanic Ass Rammers. Now there's a band name!]
Okay, okay. I'm just pulling your socks. But I wouldn't be one bit surprised to hear Pat Robertson or another of his ilk alleging the same kinds of shit in the not-too-distant future.
But while I'm at it, perhaps I should backtrack just a bit. In nearly two weeks of watching, I can't really tell which Boohbahs are male and which are female. Maybe they're hermaphrodites? Asexual? Well, they all interact with each other at various times, so if they are of specific genders, I suppose they could be bi.
So, there you have it. The Boohbahs are chubby flatulent bisexual Satan worshippers. (And yes, I can hear you right now saying "Well Duck, it takes one to know one!" Ha ha. Very funny. Now shut the fuck up, smartass, and read on.)
There are other segments in the show that are Boohbah-less, but they are almost not worth even mentioning. But I will anyway.
The opening credits are, as with most shows for viewers 3-6, deeply disturbing, deeply annoying and deeply repetitive. The theme song goes something like this: "Booh-bah, booh-bah, booh-bah, booh...booh-bah, booh-bah, booh-bah, booh..." Even those who prefer to get stoned prior to viewing shows like this and the 'Tubbies will have their patience taxed. But if you can get past all of this and drop acid just in time for the psychedelic spinning color show shortly thereafter, it's worth the price of admission.
After the opening dance routine, a group of kids appears, and there's lots of "shush"-ing. Then they carry...something...on my first viewing it looked as though they were laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Boohbah (perhaps Goombah, the missing green one?). But it turns out it's "a present for the Storypeople!" Actually, it's uh, kind of a link.
The "Storypeople" (aka the "Stupidpeople", as I prefer to call them) persist in inane activities only amusing to preschoolers, such as hopping around in giant pairs of socks or running back and forth between curtained windows suspended in midair. It's sort of like a Benny Hill bit, only twice as retarded.
There's Grandmamma (aka Hideously Ugly Old Broad), Grandpappa (aka Fake Old Guy In Cheap Makeup), Mrs. Lady (aka Insert Your Own Jerry Lewis Imitation Here), Mr. Man (aka Insert Your Own Kathy Bates In The Movie "Misery" Imitation Here), Brother & Sister, who are together at all times (aka Don't Ask, I Think They're From The South), an aunt whose name I can't discern (but it sounds sort of like Aunt Titty, so I'll go with that), and last but not least, Little Dog Fido (Oh, shut up, I was cleared of those charges!).
According to the credits, the "Storypeople" narrator is Chris Langham. If this is the same Chris Langham who is known for his stand-up act featuring bottle rockets up his ass, how sad that this is where he is now. Listening to his narration, he sounds incredibly bored and about to nip off and shoot himself. He always ends the segment with "Goodbye." Sometimes I fear he means it. Poor guy.
After a second Boohbah dance segment comes the most torturous portion of the show, "Look What I Can Do", in which kids in the target age demographic do various pointless physical activities such as hopping around on one leg, touching their knees to their elbows, etc., for roughly 2 long, agonizing minutes that seem more like 20.
About 30 seconds in you'll likely find yourself yelling at the screen "Okay, you can do cartwheels, we get the fucking point already! Stop it! ENOUGH! MY LACK OF GOD MAKE IT STOP! I WANT TO GOUGE MY EYEBALLS OUT!" And there are usually 3 or 4 of these bits in a row. It's a challenge to resist your suicidal urges at this point, but it can be done. I advise a bathroom or snack break during this portion of the show. That or double-down on your drug of choice.
Then there's sort of a Boohbah encore with a few brief dance routines, all very simple, and all throughout the show meant to get the target audience to imitate the movements they see. This is never outright solicited, but odds are there are few kids that age who can resist copying the Boohbahs or the annoying "Look What I Can Do" kids. The potential for evil here is obvious, but the Boohbahs seem harmless enough.
But I guarantee that across the studio lot, the Teletubbies are quaking in their fuzzy little boots.
Meet the Boohbahs...same as the old boss.
Think of it as Teletubbies: The Next Generation.
Boohbah! has arrived on the PBS airwaves. And with that, the 'Tubbies days of cultural significance have been shortened tenfold. They now seem rather quaint in comparison to their tricked-out successors.
For starters, in a street fight, the Boohbahs have the Tubbies outnumbered 5-4. And they seem to have a weight advantage. Most importantly, whereas the Tubbies have TV sets in their stomachs, the Boohbahs have the ability to fly. And the best part: They seem to be propelled by...yes, you guessed it, FLATULENCE!
I'm sure you all have the 'Tubbies memorized by now, so allow me to bring you up to speed on the Boohbahs. Pay attention, there WILL be a short quiz later.
Yellow--Humbah
Blue--Jumbah
Purple--Zumbah
Pink--Jingbah
Orange (my personal fave)--Zing Zing Zingbah
Now, if you count the pink one as representing red, all that's missing for a complete rainbow color set is a green one. (Maybe they'll add that one next season. They could name it "Goombah"!) Which brings us to the inevitable rumors, and in order to save time, and since someone has to start them, I might as well take the initiative:
The Boohbahs are gay.
Not just one. All five of them. I can't say for sure any of them have dated Tinky-Winky, but there. I've said it and I feel better for having said it. How else do you explain the frequent rainbow motifs throughout the show? Plus, they like to dance. A lot. And they're damn good at it (at least in the eyes of the target audience, ages 3-6, I would imagine). Hey, it's simple math: Rainbows + dancing = Butt pirates. And I hope I'm not out of line, but I would also postulate that their frequent flatulence may be the result of flaccid bowel muscles, brought on by...well, like I gotta draw you a map, folks.
Now, for those I haven't yet offended, let me take things a step further:
The Boohbahs are also Satan worshippers.
See, they do this thing a few times during the show where they hover in the air and join hands and form what sort of resembles a pentagram. Satanic ass rammers, weekdays at 10am on your local PBS station! Tune in, won't you?
[2010 P.S.: Satanic Ass Rammers. Now there's a band name!]
Okay, okay. I'm just pulling your socks. But I wouldn't be one bit surprised to hear Pat Robertson or another of his ilk alleging the same kinds of shit in the not-too-distant future.
But while I'm at it, perhaps I should backtrack just a bit. In nearly two weeks of watching, I can't really tell which Boohbahs are male and which are female. Maybe they're hermaphrodites? Asexual? Well, they all interact with each other at various times, so if they are of specific genders, I suppose they could be bi.
So, there you have it. The Boohbahs are chubby flatulent bisexual Satan worshippers. (And yes, I can hear you right now saying "Well Duck, it takes one to know one!" Ha ha. Very funny. Now shut the fuck up, smartass, and read on.)
There are other segments in the show that are Boohbah-less, but they are almost not worth even mentioning. But I will anyway.
The opening credits are, as with most shows for viewers 3-6, deeply disturbing, deeply annoying and deeply repetitive. The theme song goes something like this: "Booh-bah, booh-bah, booh-bah, booh...booh-bah, booh-bah, booh-bah, booh..." Even those who prefer to get stoned prior to viewing shows like this and the 'Tubbies will have their patience taxed. But if you can get past all of this and drop acid just in time for the psychedelic spinning color show shortly thereafter, it's worth the price of admission.
After the opening dance routine, a group of kids appears, and there's lots of "shush"-ing. Then they carry...something...on my first viewing it looked as though they were laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Boohbah (perhaps Goombah, the missing green one?). But it turns out it's "a present for the Storypeople!" Actually, it's uh, kind of a link.
The "Storypeople" (aka the "Stupidpeople", as I prefer to call them) persist in inane activities only amusing to preschoolers, such as hopping around in giant pairs of socks or running back and forth between curtained windows suspended in midair. It's sort of like a Benny Hill bit, only twice as retarded.
There's Grandmamma (aka Hideously Ugly Old Broad), Grandpappa (aka Fake Old Guy In Cheap Makeup), Mrs. Lady (aka Insert Your Own Jerry Lewis Imitation Here), Mr. Man (aka Insert Your Own Kathy Bates In The Movie "Misery" Imitation Here), Brother & Sister, who are together at all times (aka Don't Ask, I Think They're From The South), an aunt whose name I can't discern (but it sounds sort of like Aunt Titty, so I'll go with that), and last but not least, Little Dog Fido (Oh, shut up, I was cleared of those charges!).
According to the credits, the "Storypeople" narrator is Chris Langham. If this is the same Chris Langham who is known for his stand-up act featuring bottle rockets up his ass, how sad that this is where he is now. Listening to his narration, he sounds incredibly bored and about to nip off and shoot himself. He always ends the segment with "Goodbye." Sometimes I fear he means it. Poor guy.
After a second Boohbah dance segment comes the most torturous portion of the show, "Look What I Can Do", in which kids in the target age demographic do various pointless physical activities such as hopping around on one leg, touching their knees to their elbows, etc., for roughly 2 long, agonizing minutes that seem more like 20.
About 30 seconds in you'll likely find yourself yelling at the screen "Okay, you can do cartwheels, we get the fucking point already! Stop it! ENOUGH! MY LACK OF GOD MAKE IT STOP! I WANT TO GOUGE MY EYEBALLS OUT!" And there are usually 3 or 4 of these bits in a row. It's a challenge to resist your suicidal urges at this point, but it can be done. I advise a bathroom or snack break during this portion of the show. That or double-down on your drug of choice.
Then there's sort of a Boohbah encore with a few brief dance routines, all very simple, and all throughout the show meant to get the target audience to imitate the movements they see. This is never outright solicited, but odds are there are few kids that age who can resist copying the Boohbahs or the annoying "Look What I Can Do" kids. The potential for evil here is obvious, but the Boohbahs seem harmless enough.
But I guarantee that across the studio lot, the Teletubbies are quaking in their fuzzy little boots.
Meet the Boohbahs...same as the old boss.
Friday, January 30, 2004
TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JAN 30-FEB 5)
10. Seven Letters--tonight at Headliners
9. Ten Inch Willy--tonight, Saturday & Thursday at L.A. Pit Stop
8. Slim Hip Mama--Saturday at Manhattan's
7. Krestile Ti'--Saturday at Headliners
6. Into The Freylakh--Sunday at Firefly Club
5. The Mega 80s--Saturday at Magic Bag
4. Echo Of Silence--Saturday at Headliners
3. The T-Shirts--Saturday at Howards Club H
2. Ducksoup--Saturday at Mutz
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Human Being Lawnmower--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
10. Seven Letters--tonight at Headliners
9. Ten Inch Willy--tonight, Saturday & Thursday at L.A. Pit Stop
8. Slim Hip Mama--Saturday at Manhattan's
7. Krestile Ti'--Saturday at Headliners
6. Into The Freylakh--Sunday at Firefly Club
5. The Mega 80s--Saturday at Magic Bag
4. Echo Of Silence--Saturday at Headliners
3. The T-Shirts--Saturday at Howards Club H
2. Ducksoup--Saturday at Mutz
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Human Being Lawnmower--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Friday, January 23, 2004
TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JAN 23-29)
10. Infinite Number of Sounds--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
9. Proximity Grey--Saturday at Headliners
8. DeadMan's Hand--Tuesday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Chalkline--Saturday at Headliners
6. D.A. and the Prosecutors--Saturday at Fitzpatrick's Tavern
5. Shuttlecock--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
4. Murphy Lee & the St. Lunatics--tonight at Headliners
3. Ooba Tooba--Saturday at Fat Tuesdays
2. Embrace Today--Tuesday at Mickey Finn's Pub
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Amino Acids--Saturday at Headliners
10. Infinite Number of Sounds--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
9. Proximity Grey--Saturday at Headliners
8. DeadMan's Hand--Tuesday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Chalkline--Saturday at Headliners
6. D.A. and the Prosecutors--Saturday at Fitzpatrick's Tavern
5. Shuttlecock--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
4. Murphy Lee & the St. Lunatics--tonight at Headliners
3. Ooba Tooba--Saturday at Fat Tuesdays
2. Embrace Today--Tuesday at Mickey Finn's Pub
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Amino Acids--Saturday at Headliners
Friday, January 16, 2004
After a multi-week layoff due to lack of interesting entries...they're baaa-aaack!
TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JAN 16-22)
10. Red Wanting Blue--tonight at Howards Club H
9. Own Free Will--tonight at Headliners
8. Toothpick--tonight at Howards Club H
7. Tattoo Annie--tonight & Saturday at Prime Time South
6. Mindless Mischief--Sunday at Headliners
5. Creamy Goodness--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
4. Hypnodik--Sunday at Headliners
3. Strip the Image--Saturday at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
2. MoneyShot--tonight at Headliners
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Binge Crosby--Saturday at Ernie's Lounge
TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JAN 16-22)
10. Red Wanting Blue--tonight at Howards Club H
9. Own Free Will--tonight at Headliners
8. Toothpick--tonight at Howards Club H
7. Tattoo Annie--tonight & Saturday at Prime Time South
6. Mindless Mischief--Sunday at Headliners
5. Creamy Goodness--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
4. Hypnodik--Sunday at Headliners
3. Strip the Image--Saturday at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
2. MoneyShot--tonight at Headliners
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Binge Crosby--Saturday at Ernie's Lounge
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Thursday, December 25, 2003
ALF: THE COMEBACK KID, ER, ALIEN
(email report from Steve Baxley)
This just in from the home office on Melmac: The signers of the "Bring Back ALF" online petition letter have finally gotten their wish.
The furry, cat-craving extraterrestrial star of the 1980s NBC sitcom, most recently spotted slumming it for long-distance services 10-10-220 and 1-800-COLLECT, has just landed his own show on Nickelodeon.
ALF's Hit Talk Show is a new series in development for Nick at Nite. Perhaps taking a hint from his latest 10-10-220 commercial where he channels Johnny Carson, the show will feature ALF (short for Alien Life Form--his given name is Gordon Shumway) interviewing a host of celebs.
The gabfest is part of an effort by the Nickelodeon and TV Land channels (both owned by media giant Viacom) to garner a more adult audience in the post-kiddie viewing hours. Among the other shows on tap are two new adult-friendly animated series from Bill Cosby and Kelsey Grammer.
For now Nickelodeon is banking on the alien appeal of ALF. Surprisingly, the hairy space oddity has retained a major cult following since NBC pulled ALF off the air in 1990 after four seasons of dissing the daily activities of the Tanner clan, his de facto family after his spaceship crashed into their garage.
Thirteen years after the show was canceled, hundreds of fan sites have sprung up on the Web. ALF's comeback began earlier this year when he was hired to hawk long-distance services opposite the likes of Terry Bradshaw, Mike Piazza, Emmitt Smith and Toby Keith.
Apparently a couple commercials weren't enough for ALF's most ardent fans, many of whom took to the Net to petition for a more appropriate vehicle to showcase ALF's unique talents.
"ALF is the coolest, most loveable alien and for some reason he is off. Networks, get him back," begged Tara on the Planet Melmac Message Board before Nickelodeon green-lighted the talk show.
"Whoever the powers to be are: PLEASE!!! Bring back this show!!! With all the junk on the dial today... nothing would make me happier than to be able to watch my furry friendly buddy," added ALF aficionado Jody.
Though none of Jody's TV ideas (such as ALF Returns, ALF Goes Hollywood, ALF Over the Rainbow, ALF visits London and the U.K., ALF: Return of the Family, ALF: Return to Melmac or Winter Vacation with ALF) were picked up, ALF's Hit Talk Show is ready to go.
The pilot was taped in November, and ALF's run as the next Dave/Jay/Oprah will begin early in 2004.
(email report from Steve Baxley)
This just in from the home office on Melmac: The signers of the "Bring Back ALF" online petition letter have finally gotten their wish.
The furry, cat-craving extraterrestrial star of the 1980s NBC sitcom, most recently spotted slumming it for long-distance services 10-10-220 and 1-800-COLLECT, has just landed his own show on Nickelodeon.
ALF's Hit Talk Show is a new series in development for Nick at Nite. Perhaps taking a hint from his latest 10-10-220 commercial where he channels Johnny Carson, the show will feature ALF (short for Alien Life Form--his given name is Gordon Shumway) interviewing a host of celebs.
The gabfest is part of an effort by the Nickelodeon and TV Land channels (both owned by media giant Viacom) to garner a more adult audience in the post-kiddie viewing hours. Among the other shows on tap are two new adult-friendly animated series from Bill Cosby and Kelsey Grammer.
For now Nickelodeon is banking on the alien appeal of ALF. Surprisingly, the hairy space oddity has retained a major cult following since NBC pulled ALF off the air in 1990 after four seasons of dissing the daily activities of the Tanner clan, his de facto family after his spaceship crashed into their garage.
Thirteen years after the show was canceled, hundreds of fan sites have sprung up on the Web. ALF's comeback began earlier this year when he was hired to hawk long-distance services opposite the likes of Terry Bradshaw, Mike Piazza, Emmitt Smith and Toby Keith.
Apparently a couple commercials weren't enough for ALF's most ardent fans, many of whom took to the Net to petition for a more appropriate vehicle to showcase ALF's unique talents.
"ALF is the coolest, most loveable alien and for some reason he is off. Networks, get him back," begged Tara on the Planet Melmac Message Board before Nickelodeon green-lighted the talk show.
"Whoever the powers to be are: PLEASE!!! Bring back this show!!! With all the junk on the dial today... nothing would make me happier than to be able to watch my furry friendly buddy," added ALF aficionado Jody.
Though none of Jody's TV ideas (such as ALF Returns, ALF Goes Hollywood, ALF Over the Rainbow, ALF visits London and the U.K., ALF: Return of the Family, ALF: Return to Melmac or Winter Vacation with ALF) were picked up, ALF's Hit Talk Show is ready to go.
The pilot was taped in November, and ALF's run as the next Dave/Jay/Oprah will begin early in 2004.
Friday, December 19, 2003
DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (DEC 19-25)
(This week it seems the H in Howards Club H stands for Hogging Half the list. And once again, I engage in shameless self-promotion.)
10. Ducksoup--tonight at Jalapeno's (maybe), Saturday at Mutz (definitely)
9. Time Peace--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
8. Crazy Eddie--tonight at Howards Club H
7. Fat Dog--tonight at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
6. Red Headed Stepchild--Saturday at Howards Club H
5. Headcreeps--Saturday at Howards Club H
4. Arose Hail--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
3. Hemi Jendrix--Thursday at Howards Club H
2. 2000 Flushes--Saturday at Fitzpatrick's Tavern
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Goiterjelly--Saturday at Howards Club H
(This week it seems the H in Howards Club H stands for Hogging Half the list. And once again, I engage in shameless self-promotion.)
10. Ducksoup--tonight at Jalapeno's (maybe), Saturday at Mutz (definitely)
9. Time Peace--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
8. Crazy Eddie--tonight at Howards Club H
7. Fat Dog--tonight at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
6. Red Headed Stepchild--Saturday at Howards Club H
5. Headcreeps--Saturday at Howards Club H
4. Arose Hail--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
3. Hemi Jendrix--Thursday at Howards Club H
2. 2000 Flushes--Saturday at Fitzpatrick's Tavern
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Goiterjelly--Saturday at Howards Club H
Thursday, December 18, 2003
"THE DEPOSIIIII-TION! WHAT A SHOW! THE DEPOSIIIII-TION..."
Well, okay, it didn't take place in a courtroom, but I did give my deposition the other day. (Just to be safe I won't mention the details.) But sure enough, as you'd expect, the task of swearing me in was not exactly routine.
The stenographer was given the honors. "Raise your right hand."
Why? What diff does it make whether I raise my hand or not? Nothing up my sleeve. Ah, fuck it, I'll play along.
I raise my left hand.
Obviously she's no beginner at this. "Your other hand," she says nonchalantly. (I was kinda hoping for the 'your other right hand' joke. Oh well.)
I protest. "But I'm left-handed." Really, shouldn't it be the other way around for me? Hey, I gotta stick up for my fellow southpaws. Left on!
Fuckin' bigoted right-handed world. Whatever. I acquiesce. But in doing so, I manage to get in a nice subtle dig on my sis, who is also present, and with whom I had a rather heated argument just a bit earlier that day about my sexual orientation/preference.
"Whatever...I'm kinda ambidextrous actually, so I can go both ways." [big grin] Take that, sis, ya dang homophobe! (Or bi-phobe in this case, I spose.)
The next part, of course, you all knew was coming. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
"Nope."
A slight pause. I can tell by now these people just love me. "I'm an atheist. Leave off that last part and we're in business," I say, very cheerful and friendly-like. I don't mean to give anyone a hard time. I'm just sticking up for my non-beliefs.
The poor thing soldiers on and tries again. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"So help me ALF," I say, as I whip out my cell phone with my goombah's picture on it. I give his mug a quick little peck for added effect. Whenever possible, I try to give people something to talk about at the dinner table that night. In some cases, you make not just their day, but their life. Years from now, at Thanksgiving..."Did I ever tell you about the weirdo I had to swear in once?"
Really, the whole swearing in thing is just a quaint bit of stupidity that has hung in there for ages, and everyone is so used to it that no one ever really thinks about how ridiculous it is. As in the comedy bit about D&D: "He said it was a magical sword!" "He was lying." "But he said he never tells a lie!" "He was lying when he said that." And the raising your hand bit: What is this, the fucking scouts? I suppose they want to make sure I'm not crossing my fingers. How very childish. Next you're gonna tell me there's no tagbacks.
Just think if I ever hit a courtroom. Hoo boy! It'll be a Three Stooges/Marx Brothers for the new millennium!
"Order in the court!" "I'll have two large, one all-meat and one pepperoni melt, with garlic and parmesan on the crust, please. Anybody else want something?"
"Objection!" "The goofy game for dopey doctors? No, wait, that's Operation. Sorry. Never mind."
"The witness may step down now." "I can? Can I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around too?"
"Place your hand on this bible..." "Oh, I don't think so. Can we get a copy of Carl Sagan's 'Cosmos' in here for this? I prefer NON-fiction, thank you. If we gotta do fiction, let's at least go with Douglas Adams."
"All rise!" "Rise? You mean, like, levitate? Hey, I ain't David Blaine here. On the other hand, that cute gal in the jury box is making part of me levitate right now, if ya know what I mean."
I guess I should arrange my bail ahead of time, for when they throw that 'contempt of court' bullshit at me.
Well, okay, it didn't take place in a courtroom, but I did give my deposition the other day. (Just to be safe I won't mention the details.) But sure enough, as you'd expect, the task of swearing me in was not exactly routine.
The stenographer was given the honors. "Raise your right hand."
Why? What diff does it make whether I raise my hand or not? Nothing up my sleeve. Ah, fuck it, I'll play along.
I raise my left hand.
Obviously she's no beginner at this. "Your other hand," she says nonchalantly. (I was kinda hoping for the 'your other right hand' joke. Oh well.)
I protest. "But I'm left-handed." Really, shouldn't it be the other way around for me? Hey, I gotta stick up for my fellow southpaws. Left on!
Fuckin' bigoted right-handed world. Whatever. I acquiesce. But in doing so, I manage to get in a nice subtle dig on my sis, who is also present, and with whom I had a rather heated argument just a bit earlier that day about my sexual orientation/preference.
"Whatever...I'm kinda ambidextrous actually, so I can go both ways." [big grin] Take that, sis, ya dang homophobe! (Or bi-phobe in this case, I spose.)
The next part, of course, you all knew was coming. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
"Nope."
A slight pause. I can tell by now these people just love me. "I'm an atheist. Leave off that last part and we're in business," I say, very cheerful and friendly-like. I don't mean to give anyone a hard time. I'm just sticking up for my non-beliefs.
The poor thing soldiers on and tries again. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"So help me ALF," I say, as I whip out my cell phone with my goombah's picture on it. I give his mug a quick little peck for added effect. Whenever possible, I try to give people something to talk about at the dinner table that night. In some cases, you make not just their day, but their life. Years from now, at Thanksgiving..."Did I ever tell you about the weirdo I had to swear in once?"
Really, the whole swearing in thing is just a quaint bit of stupidity that has hung in there for ages, and everyone is so used to it that no one ever really thinks about how ridiculous it is. As in the comedy bit about D&D: "He said it was a magical sword!" "He was lying." "But he said he never tells a lie!" "He was lying when he said that." And the raising your hand bit: What is this, the fucking scouts? I suppose they want to make sure I'm not crossing my fingers. How very childish. Next you're gonna tell me there's no tagbacks.
Just think if I ever hit a courtroom. Hoo boy! It'll be a Three Stooges/Marx Brothers for the new millennium!
"Order in the court!" "I'll have two large, one all-meat and one pepperoni melt, with garlic and parmesan on the crust, please. Anybody else want something?"
"Objection!" "The goofy game for dopey doctors? No, wait, that's Operation. Sorry. Never mind."
"The witness may step down now." "I can? Can I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around too?"
"Place your hand on this bible..." "Oh, I don't think so. Can we get a copy of Carl Sagan's 'Cosmos' in here for this? I prefer NON-fiction, thank you. If we gotta do fiction, let's at least go with Douglas Adams."
"All rise!" "Rise? You mean, like, levitate? Hey, I ain't David Blaine here. On the other hand, that cute gal in the jury box is making part of me levitate right now, if ya know what I mean."
I guess I should arrange my bail ahead of time, for when they throw that 'contempt of court' bullshit at me.
Friday, December 12, 2003
DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (DEC 12-18)
10. Ducksoup--Saturday at Mutz, about 9:30-10pm (shameless self-promotion)
9. Ceiling--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
8. The Strawbs--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Stacked Ham--tonight & Saturday at Break Room Lounge
6. Deep Fried Pickle Project--Saturday at Maxwell's Brew
5. One Eyed Show--tonight at Howards Club H
4. Swashbucklers Of The 21st Century--tonight at Club Frogtown
3. Local Anesthetic--Saturday at Sports Zone
2. Grasshopper Pie--tonight at Howards Club H
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Moon The Giant--tonight at Village Idiot
10. Ducksoup--Saturday at Mutz, about 9:30-10pm (shameless self-promotion)
9. Ceiling--tonight & Saturday at Frog City Sports Pub
8. The Strawbs--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Stacked Ham--tonight & Saturday at Break Room Lounge
6. Deep Fried Pickle Project--Saturday at Maxwell's Brew
5. One Eyed Show--tonight at Howards Club H
4. Swashbucklers Of The 21st Century--tonight at Club Frogtown
3. Local Anesthetic--Saturday at Sports Zone
2. Grasshopper Pie--tonight at Howards Club H
And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...
1. Moon The Giant--tonight at Village Idiot
Thursday, December 11, 2003
MUST...WRITE...A...BLOG...ENTRY...(GASP)...MUST...REACH...MY...UTILIITY...BELT...
Got a few different topics to catch you up on, so I'll itemize them.
1. The resolution: We won, and we're not happy about it
2. I think I've found a place to call my karaoke home
3. My car accident
4. The subsequent letters from scumbag law firms about my accident
1. The resolution
Yes, Toledo is now one of the more than 200 cities/communities that have passed resolutions against the so-called "Patriot" Act. The problem is that they gutted the damn thing before they passed it. It got watered down so much that some of us held a press conference Monday to voice our disgust. The Blade ran articles Tuesday and Wednesday on the subject. The Tuesday article features a nice picture of yours truly and a few of my comrades. Check it out. Boy, don't we look pissed? Well, we were!
And so the shell of a resolution that remained got passed 10-2, which is a small, hollow victory for our side, but there remains much more work to be done. Now I'd like to see Toledo pass an ordinance, something with some substance, some teeth to it. The ultimate goal is to get the so-called "Patriot" Act and all other legislation like it thrown out and have the Bill of Rights restored!
2. Karaoke
Ever since my brief (one song) stint in Cleveland as lead singer of Pansy Division, I've been itching to get out and do some karaoke. Also Nick (bassist for Dirty Power) wants to form an all-lookalike band of big bald guys with goatees called Baldy and he's looking for a lead singer and a drummer, so I need to work on my singing. (That, or find a dirt-cheap set of drums and a tolerant neighborhood.)
After some investigation, I finally found a host site conducive to my location and work schedule. I plan to be a regular, so for those who, just in case, a few years from now, want to be able to tell everyone about how they were witness to Baldy lead singer Ducksoup's humble beginnings, you can, most likely, barring any unforseen circumstances, catch me at Mutz, 27 Broadway (the Oliver House) on Saturday nights starting around 9:30 or 10pm.
Given my vocal range, I think I do best with stuff like Pearl Jam or Staind, and last week I did okay with a couple of Weird Al ballads, but my current song of choice is Finger Eleven's "One Thing". I also need to explore my limits, though, so I'm ready to try just about any song I'm familiar with. But I promise not to shatter your eardrums. So please come cheer me on!
One query though: If I bill myself as my band, Eggs Danny Thomas Style, can I make my own band name list?
3. My car accident
Finally! Took me long enough, right? Hey, I needed time to gain some perspective on the whole experience. Bite me.
As far as the crash itself, there's really not much to tell. I hitched a ride home from work with a co-worker, she had a brain fart and accidentally (that's why they're called accidents) ran a red light, and we got t-boned on my side. Ouch.
As I said previously, there's nothing quite like riding shotgun, watching a pair of headlights approach from your side, knowing the car is going to t-bone you, knowing you're just a passenger, and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it. And all you can do is think to yourself, "Oh shit. This is going to be rather unpleasant." And then you brace for impact.
As it happens, I was in a Chrysler Fifth Avenue, a nice big tank of a car, and the other driver was in a compact. He had an airbag so he wasn't hurt. (But he was 85 and despite the roads being wet I'm not all that sure he really tried to slow down much, so it's too bad he wasn't faulted, or my co-worker and I would both be rolling into work in tight whips, baby! Bling bling!) Now, switch the cars around and I might not be sitting here typing this. But it's safe to say the tank I was in saved my life, so later that week, on Thanksgiving, I gave thanks to Chrysler for building it.
Immediately after impact, I had a very sore spot in my back around my right shoulder blade. Given my low threshold of pain, if something was broken I would be screaming my lungs out. And I've lost no mobility in any way. So I passed on visiting an emergency room. Some other sore spots came and went in the next week, the initial sore spot remains, but it's steadily getting better, save for a couple of times I've slept in the wrong position, so hopefully there are no long-term problems.
But I've saved my biggest sore spot for last...
4. Time for a mailbag segment! "Letters, oh we get letters, we get your letters every day..."
Let's see, what's in the ol' mailbag today...ooh, a big manila envelope, looks important.
It's not.
It's a fucking advertisement! From the law firm of Kalniz, Iorio & Feldstein. Seems they scoured the accident reports in the paper, saw me and my address listed and fired off this nice friendly insidious disgusting advertisement (I can tell it's an advertisement, you see, by the tiny little faintly stamped-in-red-ink "advertisement only" way at the bottom as per whatever regulations exist that say they have to stamp that on there somewhere however barely noticeable) with a nice friendly insidious disgusting suggestion: "SUE SUE SUE!"
"Go ahead, sue the crap out of your co-worker, who graciously offered you a ride home, went out of her way to do so, and showed the utmost concern for your well-being immediately after impact in spite of her own! Sue her kind thoughtful ass! Sue her even though she works the exact same job and the exact same hours and takes home the exact same crappy paycheck as you! Sue her even though your dear departed mother did not raise you that way. Don't listen to your mom, she's dead anyway. Listen to us. We know what's good for you. Never mind the fact that we're too damn lazy to go out and literally chase ambulances anymore."
Mind you, I was tempted to send it back with a nice friendly note of my own telling them just what I thought of their sickening little ad, but as my bro pointed out, that's like answering spam email. No need to confirm for them that there's a living body at this address who would surely just love to receive ten times more of stupid advertisements like this.
And in fact, I've received two more since then, specifically from Dzienny Law Offices, Ltd., and from the Law Offices of Douglas R. Price, Attorney At Law. All with the same nice friendly insidious disgusting advertising message. Why then, you must wonder, am I listing them here, along with their phone numbers?
Oops, did I forget to list their phone numbers? Sorry, my bad. Here ya go:
Kalniz, Iorio & Feldstein: 800-537-1954
Dzienny Law Offices: 877-255-7315
Douglas R. Price: 419-242-3540
Again, why am I listing them here? No reason. I mean, it's not like I'm encouraging everyone reading this to BOYCOTT THEM AND INUNDATE THEM WITH PHONE CALLS TELLING THEM WHAT SCUMBAGS THEY ARE FOR MAILING OUT THIS KIND OF CRAP. Because I'm sure those of you reading this who share my mindset on this subject will BOYCOTT THEM AND INUNDATE THEM WITH PHONE CALLS TELLING THEM WHAT SCUMBAGS THEY ARE FOR MAILING OUT THIS KIND OF CRAP without my encouragement. And if you do, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that if you first dial *67 it will block your phone number from them so they can't call you back.
And so as I sit here relieved that I've finally been able to write about all this stuff, I wonder, which will arrive next: the wave of mail advertisements from chiropractors, or the wave of mail advertisements from massage parlors?
Got a few different topics to catch you up on, so I'll itemize them.
1. The resolution: We won, and we're not happy about it
2. I think I've found a place to call my karaoke home
3. My car accident
4. The subsequent letters from scumbag law firms about my accident
1. The resolution
Yes, Toledo is now one of the more than 200 cities/communities that have passed resolutions against the so-called "Patriot" Act. The problem is that they gutted the damn thing before they passed it. It got watered down so much that some of us held a press conference Monday to voice our disgust. The Blade ran articles Tuesday and Wednesday on the subject. The Tuesday article features a nice picture of yours truly and a few of my comrades. Check it out. Boy, don't we look pissed? Well, we were!
And so the shell of a resolution that remained got passed 10-2, which is a small, hollow victory for our side, but there remains much more work to be done. Now I'd like to see Toledo pass an ordinance, something with some substance, some teeth to it. The ultimate goal is to get the so-called "Patriot" Act and all other legislation like it thrown out and have the Bill of Rights restored!
2. Karaoke
Ever since my brief (one song) stint in Cleveland as lead singer of Pansy Division, I've been itching to get out and do some karaoke. Also Nick (bassist for Dirty Power) wants to form an all-lookalike band of big bald guys with goatees called Baldy and he's looking for a lead singer and a drummer, so I need to work on my singing. (That, or find a dirt-cheap set of drums and a tolerant neighborhood.)
After some investigation, I finally found a host site conducive to my location and work schedule. I plan to be a regular, so for those who, just in case, a few years from now, want to be able to tell everyone about how they were witness to Baldy lead singer Ducksoup's humble beginnings, you can, most likely, barring any unforseen circumstances, catch me at Mutz, 27 Broadway (the Oliver House) on Saturday nights starting around 9:30 or 10pm.
Given my vocal range, I think I do best with stuff like Pearl Jam or Staind, and last week I did okay with a couple of Weird Al ballads, but my current song of choice is Finger Eleven's "One Thing". I also need to explore my limits, though, so I'm ready to try just about any song I'm familiar with. But I promise not to shatter your eardrums. So please come cheer me on!
One query though: If I bill myself as my band, Eggs Danny Thomas Style, can I make my own band name list?
3. My car accident
Finally! Took me long enough, right? Hey, I needed time to gain some perspective on the whole experience. Bite me.
As far as the crash itself, there's really not much to tell. I hitched a ride home from work with a co-worker, she had a brain fart and accidentally (that's why they're called accidents) ran a red light, and we got t-boned on my side. Ouch.
As I said previously, there's nothing quite like riding shotgun, watching a pair of headlights approach from your side, knowing the car is going to t-bone you, knowing you're just a passenger, and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it. And all you can do is think to yourself, "Oh shit. This is going to be rather unpleasant." And then you brace for impact.
As it happens, I was in a Chrysler Fifth Avenue, a nice big tank of a car, and the other driver was in a compact. He had an airbag so he wasn't hurt. (But he was 85 and despite the roads being wet I'm not all that sure he really tried to slow down much, so it's too bad he wasn't faulted, or my co-worker and I would both be rolling into work in tight whips, baby! Bling bling!) Now, switch the cars around and I might not be sitting here typing this. But it's safe to say the tank I was in saved my life, so later that week, on Thanksgiving, I gave thanks to Chrysler for building it.
Immediately after impact, I had a very sore spot in my back around my right shoulder blade. Given my low threshold of pain, if something was broken I would be screaming my lungs out. And I've lost no mobility in any way. So I passed on visiting an emergency room. Some other sore spots came and went in the next week, the initial sore spot remains, but it's steadily getting better, save for a couple of times I've slept in the wrong position, so hopefully there are no long-term problems.
But I've saved my biggest sore spot for last...
4. Time for a mailbag segment! "Letters, oh we get letters, we get your letters every day..."
Let's see, what's in the ol' mailbag today...ooh, a big manila envelope, looks important.
It's not.
It's a fucking advertisement! From the law firm of Kalniz, Iorio & Feldstein. Seems they scoured the accident reports in the paper, saw me and my address listed and fired off this nice friendly insidious disgusting advertisement (I can tell it's an advertisement, you see, by the tiny little faintly stamped-in-red-ink "advertisement only" way at the bottom as per whatever regulations exist that say they have to stamp that on there somewhere however barely noticeable) with a nice friendly insidious disgusting suggestion: "SUE SUE SUE!"
"Go ahead, sue the crap out of your co-worker, who graciously offered you a ride home, went out of her way to do so, and showed the utmost concern for your well-being immediately after impact in spite of her own! Sue her kind thoughtful ass! Sue her even though she works the exact same job and the exact same hours and takes home the exact same crappy paycheck as you! Sue her even though your dear departed mother did not raise you that way. Don't listen to your mom, she's dead anyway. Listen to us. We know what's good for you. Never mind the fact that we're too damn lazy to go out and literally chase ambulances anymore."
Mind you, I was tempted to send it back with a nice friendly note of my own telling them just what I thought of their sickening little ad, but as my bro pointed out, that's like answering spam email. No need to confirm for them that there's a living body at this address who would surely just love to receive ten times more of stupid advertisements like this.
And in fact, I've received two more since then, specifically from Dzienny Law Offices, Ltd., and from the Law Offices of Douglas R. Price, Attorney At Law. All with the same nice friendly insidious disgusting advertising message. Why then, you must wonder, am I listing them here, along with their phone numbers?
Oops, did I forget to list their phone numbers? Sorry, my bad. Here ya go:
Kalniz, Iorio & Feldstein: 800-537-1954
Dzienny Law Offices: 877-255-7315
Douglas R. Price: 419-242-3540
Again, why am I listing them here? No reason. I mean, it's not like I'm encouraging everyone reading this to BOYCOTT THEM AND INUNDATE THEM WITH PHONE CALLS TELLING THEM WHAT SCUMBAGS THEY ARE FOR MAILING OUT THIS KIND OF CRAP. Because I'm sure those of you reading this who share my mindset on this subject will BOYCOTT THEM AND INUNDATE THEM WITH PHONE CALLS TELLING THEM WHAT SCUMBAGS THEY ARE FOR MAILING OUT THIS KIND OF CRAP without my encouragement. And if you do, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that if you first dial *67 it will block your phone number from them so they can't call you back.
And so as I sit here relieved that I've finally been able to write about all this stuff, I wonder, which will arrive next: the wave of mail advertisements from chiropractors, or the wave of mail advertisements from massage parlors?
Friday, December 05, 2003
TOP ONE BEST BAND NAME PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK INSTEAD OF LAST WEEK
Since this week is lacking in new and interesting band names, I'm giving the ol' list another rest. Instead I have a correction to make:
Lame-O (aka Mullet Milennium) did not play last week as listed, but they are playing this Saturday at Longhorn Saloon, 944 Phillips Ave., around 10pm. Go check 'em out!
Since this week is lacking in new and interesting band names, I'm giving the ol' list another rest. Instead I have a correction to make:
Lame-O (aka Mullet Milennium) did not play last week as listed, but they are playing this Saturday at Longhorn Saloon, 944 Phillips Ave., around 10pm. Go check 'em out!
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