TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 31-NOV 6)

(Looks like it's Headliners' turn to dominate the list this week, with 6, count 'em, 6 entries, all playing tonight.)

10. Sworn Enemy--Fri at Headliners
9. Everyday Pain--Fri at Headliners
8. Ceiling--Sat at Game Time Sports
7. Avenged Sevenfold--Fri at Headliners
6. Frank, Zunk and Punk--Fri at Morris' Restaurant
5. Ninja And The Secret Rage--Sun at Music Suite
4. Western Waste--Fri at Headliners
3. Sick Of It All--Fri at Headliners
2. Bottoms Up--Fri & Sat at Firehouse 47 Bar And Grill

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and a fitting choice for Halloween)...

1. Dead Man's Hand--Fri at Headliners

A QUICK DIP IN THE DOVE POND

WHAT'S IN A NAME? USA-PATRIOT ACT UNVEILED

The Bill of Rights Defense Committee lists the winning entries from a contest where the acronym 'USA-PATRIOT' had to expose the true purposes of the Act:

1st Place: Useless State-sponsored Action Purporting to Attack Terror While Really Initiating an Oligarchic Takeover

2nd Place: Unseemly and Simplistic Attempt to Preclude Americans' Treasured Rights by Inapt Obsession with Terrorism

3rd Place: Unilaterally Subverting America by Punishing Activists and Torturing and Repressing Immigrants by Oppression and Tyranny

MARCONI MADNESS!

It was the greatest tournament I failed to tell you about here in The Pond until it was all over.

In the wake of the demise of the annual GeakSweeps, a new radio tournament was formulated about a month ago that would be squeezed in on October weekends just before the start of the new ALF Cup season. It took the form of a March Madness-style tournament, hence the moniker "Marconi Madness".

A total of 83 AM and FM stations qualified to take part, and after a preliminary round, a bracket of 64 squared off in the first radio-only competition since before TV stations were admitted into the previously all-radio GeakSweeps. It was a bit of a chore to begin with, and downright boring at times. Little did I know of the exciting finish that was in store.

Each matchup in each round was determined by a random draw. Once things got underway, the AMs, as expected, got pretty much slaughtered by the FMs. Signal strength was often an issue, even more than format. There were some mild upsets, but ultimately the final four was comprised of the four tournament favorites, WXKR, WJZE, WIOT, and WRWK.

The final matchup came as no surprise, a meeting between WIOT and WRWK, the two stations I happen to listen to the most while at work (no other good stations come in good there). A classic Clear Channel vs Cumulus grudge match.

RWK came in as the tourney favorite, but on the morning of the finals, it just so happened that our good pal Shaggy, head honcho of the Duck Pond affiliate Shagout, was at the helm for IOT. And in a thrilling, nail-biting, knock-down drag-out double overtime epic, it was the Shagster (named MVDJ) and the IOT Coyote pulling off the upset and emerging as the champs of the first ever Marconi Madness. Congrats guys!

Below are the full tournament results.

2003 MARCONI MADNESS
PRELIMINARY ROUND
FM 89.3 WYSZ Toledo OH def. AM 1080 KRLD Dallas TX
FM 99.9 WKKO Toledo OH def. AM 760 WJR Detroit MI
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. AM 1620 WDND South Bend IN
AM 800 CKLW Windsor ON def. FM 89.9 CBE Windsor ON
AM 1470 WLQR Toledo OH def. AM 840 WHAS Louisville KY
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 97.9 WJLB Detroit MI
FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI def. FM 105.5 WWWM Toledo OH
AM 700 WLW Cincinnati OH def. AM 1020 KDKA Pittsburgh PA
AM 1170 WWVA Wheeling WV def. AM 890 WLS Chicago IL
FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI def. FM 107.3 WJUC Toledo OH
FM 90.3 WOTL Toledo OH def. AM 1010 CFRB Toronto ON
AM 1370 WSPD Toledo OH def. FM 99.5 WYCD Detroit MI
FM 91.7 WUOM Ann Arbor MI def. AM 950 WWJ Detroit MI
FM 100.5 WKXA Findlay OH def. FM 93.1 WDRQ Detroit MI
AM 900 WFRO Fremont OH def. AM 980 WONE Dayton OH
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 1640 WKSH Milwaukee WI
AM 1120 KMOX St Louis MO def. AM 1540 KXEL Waterloo IA
FM 88.3 WXUT Toledo OH def. AM 830 WCCO Minneapolis MN
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. AM 1050 CHUM Toronto ON

FIRST ROUND
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. AM 1370 WSPD Toledo OH
FM 88.1 WBGU Bowling Green OH def. AM 1530 WSAI Cincinnati OH
FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH def. AM 810 WGY Schenectady NY
AM 1060 KYW Philadelphia PA def. FM 100.5 WKXA Findlay OH
FM 91.3 WGTE Toledo OH def. AM 1120 KMOX St Louis MO
AM 670 WSCR Chicago IL def. FM 88.7 CIMX Windsor ON
AM 1630 KCJJ Iowa City IA def. AM 1650 KCNZ Cedar Falls IA
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 1170 WWVA Wheeling WV
FM 96.9 WXQQ Toledo OH def. AM 1070 WIBC Indianapolis IN
FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI def. AM 610 WTVN Columbus OH
AM 710 WOR New York NY def. FM 95.5 WKQI Detroit MI
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. FM 99.9 WKKO Toledo OH
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 1200 WOAI San Antonio TX
AM 720 WGN Chicago IL def. AM 550 WKRC Cincinnati OH
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. FM 91.7 WUOM Ann Arbor MI
FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI def. AM 1510 WLAC Nashville TN
AM 660 WFAN New York NY def. AM 1100 WTAM Cleveland OH
FM 95.7 WIMX Toledo OH def. AM 740 CBL Toronto ON
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. AM 800 CKLW Windsor ON
FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH def. AM 900 WFRO Fremont OH
AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL def. AM 700 WLW Cincinnati OH
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. AM 870 WWL New Orleans LA
AM 780 WBBM Chicago IL def. FM 99.1 WFRO Fremont OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 88.3 WXUT Toledo OH
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. AM 580 CKWW Windsor ON
AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY def. FM 89.3 WYSZ Toledo OH
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 93.5 WRQN Toledo OH
AM 1030 WBZ Boston MA def. AM 1470 WLQR Toledo OH
AM 650 WSM Nashville TN def. FM 102.9 WWWW Ann Arbor MI
FM 96.3 WDVD Detroit MI def. FM 90.3 WOTL Toledo OH
AM 1040 WHO Des Moines IA def. FM 101.9 WDET Detroit MI
FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI def. AM 1690 WRLL Chicago IL

SECOND ROUND
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. FM 101.1 WRIF Detroit MI
FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH def. AM 780 WBBM Chicago IL
FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI def. FM 88.1 WBGU Bowling Green OH
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. FM 91.3 WGTE Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. AM 720 WGN Chicago IL
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. AM 1630 KCJJ Iowa City IA
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 660 WFAN New York NY
AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY def. AM 1040 WHO Des Moines IA
FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH def. AM 710 WOR New York NY
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 96.9 WXQQ Toledo OH
FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH def. AM 1030 WBZ Boston MA
AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL def. AM 670 WSCR Chicago IL
AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI def. AM 1060 KYW Philadelphia PA
AM 650 WSM Nashville TN def. FM 96.3 WDVD Detroit MI
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 94.8 WCSX Detroit MI
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. FM 95.7 WIMX Toledo OH

THIRD ROUND
AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH def. AM 650 WSM Nashville TN
FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI def. FM 98.7 WVMV Detroit MI
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. AM 1180 WHAM Rochester NY
FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI def. AM 1000 WMVP Chicago IL
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 103.7 WCKY Tiffin OH
FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON def. FM 92.5 WVKS Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. AM 1270 WXYT Detroit MI
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. FM 101.5 WRVF Toledo OH

QUARTERFINALS
FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH def. FM 98.3 WTWR Monroe MI
FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH def. FM 93.9 CIDR Windsor ON
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 95.3 WQTE Adrian MI
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. AM 1230 WCWA Toledo OH

SEMIFINALS
FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH def. FM 94.5 WXKR Toledo OH
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 97.3 WJZE Toledo OH

FINAL
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH def. FM 106.5 WRWK Toledo OH

2003 MARCONI MADNESS CHAMPION:
FM 104.7 WIOT Toledo OH

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 24-30)

(Cornering the market on interesting band names this week are Headliners and Howards Club H, with a combined 7 entries.)

10. New Toys--Fri at Frog City
9. Thunderbirds Are Now--Sat at Howards Club H
8. Neutrality Clause--Sat at Headliners
7. Red Wanting Blue--Fri at Howards Club H
6. Audible Thread--Sat at Headliners
5. Breath Of Water--Sat at Headliners
4. The Planet The--Sat at Howards Club H
3. Ooba Tooba--Sat at Easy Street Cafe
2. Infinite Number Of Sounds--Wed at Howards Club H

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and it's 2 weeks in a row at #1 for The Scene)...

1. Feable Weiner--Fri at The Scene

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 17-23)

(The Scene seems to have cornered the market on interesting band names this week. They placed four bands on this week's list, including the top three!)

10. Good Stuff Maynard--Sat at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
9. Tar Beach--Sat at Village Idiot
8. The Drapes--Wed at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Brand New Disaster--Sat at The Scene
6. Bar Code--Fri & Sat at Juwells Sports Bar
5. The Menus--Fri at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
4. Say What?--Fri & Sat at Michigan Tavern
3. MonkeyNut--Fri at The Scene
2. Them One Guys--Sat at The Scene

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and timely since it's similar to Cubs vs. Marlins)...

1. Bear vs. Shark--Wed at The Scene

A DYING CUB FAN'S LAST REQUEST
by Steve Goodman (1983)

By the shores of old Lake Michigan
Where the "hawk wind" blows so cold
An old Cub fan lay dying
In his midnight hour that tolled
'Round his bed, his friends had all gathered
They knew his time was short
And on his head they put this bright blue cap
From his all-time favorite sport
He told them, "It's late and it's getting dark in here"
And I know its time to go
But before I leave the line-up
Boys, there's just one thing I'd like to know

Do they still play the blues in Chicago
When baseball season rolls around
When the snow melts away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their ivy covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring fatigue
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the National League

He told his friends "You know the law of averages says:
Anything will happen that can."
That's what it says.
But the last time the Cubs won a National League pennant
Was the year we dropped the bomb on Japan
The Cubs made me a criminal
Sent me down a wayward path
They stole my youth from me
(that's the truth)
I'd forsake my teachers
To go sit in the bleachers
In flagrant truancy

And then one thing led to another
and soon I'd discovered alcohol, gambling, dope
football, hockey, lacrosse, tennis
But what do you expect,
When you raise up a young boys hopes
And then just crush 'em like so many paper beer cups
Year after year after year
after year, after year, after year, after year, after year
'Til those hopes are just so much popcorn
for the pigeons beneath the 'L' tracks to eat

He said "You know I'll never see Wrigley Field, anymore
before my eternal rest
So if you have your pencils and your score cards ready,
I'll read you my last request
He said, "Give me a double header funeral in Wrigley Field
On some sunny weekend day (no lights)
Have the organ play the National Anthem
and then a little "na, na, na, na, hey hey, hey, Goodbye"
Make six bullpen pitchers carry my coffin
and six ground keepers clear my path
Have the umpires bark me out at every base
In all their holy wrath
It's a beautiful day for a funeral, Hey Ernie let's play two!
Somebody go get Jack Brickhouse to come back,
and conduct just one more interview
Have the Cubbies run right out into the middle of the field,
Have Keith Moreland drop a routine fly
Give everybody two bags of peanuts and a frosty malt
And I'll be ready to die

Build a big fire on home plate out of your Louisville Sluggers baseball bats,
And toss my coffin in
Let my ashes blow in a beautiful snow
From the prevailing 30 mile an hour southwest wind
When my last remains go flying over the left field wall
Will bid the bleacher bums adieu
And I will come to my final resting place, out on Waveland Avenue

The dying man's friends told him to cut it out
They said "Stop it, that's an awful shame"
He whispered, "Don't cry, we'll meet by and by near the Heavenly Hall of Fame
He said, "I've got season's tickets to watch the Angels now,
So that's just what I'm going to do
He said, "But you the living, you're stuck here with the Cubs,
So its me that feels sorry for you!"

And he said, "Ahh, play that lonesome losers tune,
That's the one I like the best"
And he closed his eyes, and slipped away
What we got is the Dying Cub Fan's Last Request
And here it is

Do they still play the blues in Chicago
When baseball season rolls around
When the snow melts away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their ivy covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring fatigue
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the National League

"AND OVER HERE WE SEE THE STARS THAT MAKE UP THE CONSTELLATION PENIS MAJOR..."

So I'm out walking last night under a clear starry sky, looking up at good old Orion the Hunter, with his belt and his sword (Yeah right, that's his "sword". Who are we kidding, people? Really.), and the thought occurs to me that if the constellations had been named by a different culture, Orion might have been a lesbian wearing a strap-on dildo.

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 10-16)

10. Uncle Sandwitch--Fri & Sat at Prime Time South
9. Metaphysical Jones--Thu at Village Idiot
8. Bonkers--Fri & Sat at Break Room Lounge
7. The Wow Factor--Fri & Sat at Lighthouse
6. Fall Out Boy--Mon at Headliners
5. Chili Cat--Sat at Frog City
4. Clumsy Lovers--Mon at Mickey Finn's Pub
3. Shucking Bubba Deluxe--Sat at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
2. A Gruesome Find--Sun at Howards Club H

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Big Al's Used Cars--Fri & Sat at Augie's

[CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP] DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXT MESSAGES

The following is a recent TM exchange between meself and Paulie, AKA Pablo, AKA Idiot Boy, AKA Spanky Pants, AKA Cheese Nipples, AKA Steak Nuts, AKA Bunsy Wunsy Monchichi. Enjoy.

D: "U make me cum"
D: "U make me complete"
D: "U make me completely miserable"
D: "Whos that by, I gota Napster it"
P: "Lit"
D: "Lit? So theyd fit in ur string of band names, betwn Lickety Split n Little Richie"
P: "::Loads a round in the chamber and prepares to cock the shotgun::"
P: "I love when I use predictive text and I type the word 'cock' it cycles me thru the word 'anal' first"
D: "So ur sayin you had 2 run ur cock thru the anal cycle?"
D: "BTW just in case I evr hav 2 get a nu fone #, remind me 2 get a 2625 #"
D: "Im callin dibs on 2625"
D: "That way I'll hav, like, 514-COCK and 514-ANAL with the same #"
P: "Will do"
D: "Then when sum1 wants my # I can say 'wud u prefer my cock # or my anal #?'"
P: "A perfect bisexual's phone number"
D: "Ya, n Im a perfect bisexual!"

And remember, I've called dibs on it, so you, reading this, don't you dare steal it! I'll hunt you down, fucker.

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT. 3-9)

10. Stop, Drop and Roll--Sat at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
9. The Recipe--Tue at Headliners
8. Pal Joey and the Sicilian Playboys--Sat at Trotters Tavern
7. Glinda's Bubble--Sat at Mickey Finn's Pub
6. The Knobs--Fri & Sat at Rooster Inn
5. Chester the Pup--Fri at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
4. Herkimer Shagnasty--Fri & Sat at Prime Time North
3. Bunny Hug--Fri at Mickey Finn's Pub
2. Fetish Doll--Sat at Headliners

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Mustard Plug--Sat at The Scene

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (SEP 26-OCT 2)

10. Scoobie Snaks--Fri & Sat at Prime Time South
9. Beer Goggles--Fri & Sat at Frog City
8. The Ordinary Way--Fri at Howards Club H
7. Mad Cows--Sat at Grill
6. Reaganomics--Sat at Bait Shop Bar and Grill
5. The Sell Out Kings--Fri & Sat at Prime Time North
4. Watermelon Men--Sun at Secor Lanes
3. Geronimo's Cadilac--Fri at Village Idiot
2. Government Honey--Thu at Distillery

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Tangerine Trousers--Fri at Diva

THE DOVE POND--READER'S DIGEST VERSION

Just 2 short items this time, to save space...

1. ASHCROFT'S LATEST WHOPPER

"Recently, some in Washington have created an hysteria that local libraries are under siege of the FBI, that we are somehow rifling through the reading records of Americans," Ashcroft said. But he said "not a single American's library records have been reviewed under the Patriot act."

http://startribune.com/stories/1576/4107876.html

Dear John:

You forgot to mention that the USA-PATRIOT Act MAKES IT A CRIME FOR ANYONE TO DISCLOSE THAT YOU HAVE REQUESTED ANYONE'S LIBRARY RECORDS. So, how may we conclude that you're telling us the truth? Would you tell us if you were wiretapping us and intercepting our emails?

--Terry Lodge

[My pal Terry, a lawyer and fellow NWOPC member, hits the nail on the head there I think.--DJP]

2. LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON...THINK ABOUT IT, WON'T YOU?

On September 11, 1990, President George H. W. Bush, addressing a joint session of Congress, claimed “120,000 Iraqi troops with 850 tanks have poured into Kuwait and moved south to threaten Saudi Arabia.” But an enterprising journalist, Jean Heller, reported in the St. Petersburg Times on January 6, 1991 (a bare ten days before the Gulf War began) that commercial satellite photos taken on September 11, the day the president spoke, showed no sign of a massive buildup of Iraqi forces in Kuwait. When the Pentagon was asked to provide evidence to support the president’s claim, it refused to do so—and continues to refuse to this day.

http://www.veteransforpeace.org/EX_CIA_professional_052503.htm

[Deja vu.--DJP]

PS: Apparently I've gotten away with posting the previous post. Then again, they might be trying to lull me into a false sense of security. Not a chance, I'm too paranoid! :)

LIQUOR, BUSH, AND RUBBER NIPPLES

So I'm searching for photos of some folks who might make my next Celeb Crush list, and a name pops into my head: Jenna Bush.

Then the inevitable questions start bouncing around in my brain: Would I, could I, should I include "Doughnut Girl" in the next list?

The plus is obvious: She's fuckin' hot. The minuses are plenty: For starters, does she even count as a celebrity? Well, she's really only famous for being famous, but it could be argued that she's made a name for herself, what with all the drinking and partying and making out with her gal pals.



Then there's the fact that I hate her along with her entire family. If you hate someone's guts but would still fuck them if given the chance, does that really constitute a 'crush' per se? Doesn't a crush imply some measure of affection/admiration for the crushee?

Then of course there's the ultimate plus/minus: She's a booze hound. And as a rule, drunk women don't turn me on. Never have. (Unless of course I'm also drunk. But obviously that doesn't count.) Now mind you, in light of recent events in my life I've come to much the same realization as many before me: Drunk women are easier. Duh.

So it would seem that all I have to do is either set aside my self-imposed rule or just get myself sufficiently soaked to the point where I don't give a shit. And I happen to know for a fact that this works in my case. (With disastrous results I might add.)

So if I were so inclined (and really horny) I'm sure I could on a regular basis put into practice the routine touted by the late Sam Kinison, which was this: A) Get her drunk, B) Get her in bed, C) Cum all over her back, D) Steal 30 or 40 bucks out of her purse, E) Crawl out the window, and F) Never call her again. "Let them wake up sticky, broke and confused...let's see how they like it."

The trick is (and believe me I will keep this foremost in my mind in future if/when necessary) to make sure that the drunk woman in question is NOT someone I love or care about, and is someone I WON'T miss terribly when we never speak again afterwards.

I hate Jenna Bush. Okay, so that solves that problem!

Which leaves only the biggest hurdle: the ironically increasing lack of freedom of speech in this, the age of the internet. With the U.S. of A. becoming more and more like Nazi Germany under the so-called leadership of Jenna's neo-Hitler daddy, can I really expect to be allowed to post this very entry on my blog without repercussions?

If I wished, could I, in fact, state here in The Pond that *if* I were given the chance, I *might* be inclined to give Jenna the Kinison-style "sticky, broke and confused" treatment? And could I make such a statement without having Secret Service agents breaking down my door tomorrow morning, seizing all my belongings, and shipping me off to Gitmo as a suspected terrorist?

This remains to be seen. If I post again in a few days, you can assume a yes. If not, hopefully one of you will be willing to post my bail.

P.S. In order to maintain the relevance of the title of this post, let me quickly address the topic of rubber nipples:

Rubber nipples--good. Fire--bad.

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (SEP 19-25)

10. Zero Rain--Sat at Bait Shop Bar & Grill
9. Unglued--Fri & Sat at Papa And Drews
8. Static Rituals--Wed at Mickey Finn's Pub
7. Smoking--Sat at Lucky Louie's
6. Ten Inch Willy--Fri & Sat at L.A. Pit Stop
5. Musicians Night Out With Bathhouse Betty--Fri at Back Porch
4. D/A And The Prosecutors--Fri at Panama J's
3. Carbon Leaf--Mon at Howards Club H
2. Stacked Ham--Fri & Sat at Break Room Lounge

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. Creamy Goodness--Fri at Frog City Sports Pub

FIRST I RIP OFF THE STEVER, NOW BUZZ...WHAT'S NEXT, "LEAVING IDAHO"? ("CHAFING CHAFING CHAFING CHAFING...")

With all due props to Buzz Kilman, the time has come for me to kick off a new Pond feature:

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (SEP 12-18)

10. Paint Black Walrus--Fri at Fat Tuesdays, Sat at Bronze Boar
9. The Blue Kazoos--Fri at Morris'
8. The Griswolds--Mon at Casa Barron
7. Ninja And The Secret Rage--Sun at Music Suite
6. Froghead--Fri/Sat at M.T. Loonies
5. Don't Ask--Fri/Sat at Michigan Tavern
4. Goin' To Gramma's--Wed at Manhattan's
3. Ten Inch Willy--Fri/Sat at Checkers Pub, Wed/Thu at Club Attitudes
2. D/A And The Prosecutors--Fri at Panama J's

And the number one best band name playing the Toledo area this week (and what a timely choice for today)...

1. The Bastard Sons Of Johnny Cash--Sat at Mickey Finn's Pub

Honorable Mention: Dirty Power--Tue at the High 5 Bar in Columbus

HELLO CLEVELAND HEIGHTS!

Wow.

What a blast I had in Cleveland Sunday night at the Pansy Division show. I needed until today to recover sufficiently to write this post. Where to begin? What can I tell you? More importantly, what CAN'T I tell you? ;)

Unlike Detroit last October, Paulie and I made sure we arrived at the Grog Shop early so as not to miss anything. And with three other bands opening for them (Three?!) there was plenty of time to spare. From the moment PD got there, we were privileged to spend mucho quality time with them.

After playing roadie and helping them carry their equipment inside, we got to tag along with Patrick, Jon and Luis as they went down the street for sandwiches. (Apparently Chris wasn't hungry.) I kicked myself for not having a tape recorder handy, but nonetheless I gently went into interview mode for the purpose of this here post.

One mystery was cleared up for me when I asked Jon about the song "Blurry Down Below" from the new album. Was it about STDs? Leprosy? Nukes? He explained that it was actually a sort of a sci-fi scenario, about waking up and finding your genitals blurred out much like televised nudity. Think Kafka meets Jackass, I guess.

Another revealing bit of info came as they passed around a write-up on the band in a local paper. The article made mention of Jon's "penis-shaped guitar", to which Jon responded (and I have to paraphrase) "What penis-shaped guitar? I don't have a guitar shaped like a penis. My penis IS shaped like a guitar, though."

Later, back at the Grog Shop, as the other acts played, a guy in the crowd came up to me and handed me a tiny light bulb and said "The tall blond guy [Chris] in your band was looking for a bulb, one of the other bands found it. You're in the band, right?" I told him no, but that I'm friends with them, so I'd see that he got it back. Little did I know how prophetic his question would prove.

Now, during the encore at the Detroit show, several of us requested the song "Flower". For those of you who haven't heard it, the song includes a run-on lyric that goes for about a minute and a half. On the record Jon obviously recorded it in sections which were then edited together. But he was unable to sing it live, so instead they played the song off the CD and lip-synched it as a joke. But since then, after a bit of practice I figured out how to breathe sufficiently to be able to sing it. I told Jon earlier in the evening that if they wanted me to, I could come up on stage and sing it. Jon said "We'll see," and I didn't really expect it to happen.

They played a 16-song set and came back for 2 songs as an encore. Next thing I know Jon tells the crowd "We have a friend here who says he can sing this one..." and before you can say "Star Search" I am on stage performing with Pansy Division!

I half-jokingly asked Jon earlier if they could slow it down for me if we do it. Big mistake. Normally I take 1 breath per line, but they slowed it down to the point where I had to take 2 breaths per line. I muddled through though, AND I stayed in key, something I've been conscious of since Paulie once told me I was off-key on it. I actually ran out of breath on the last two or three words of the very last line, but the crowd didn't seem to care. They went nuts, the band was pleasantly shocked and awed that I made it through, and Paulie was never more proud of me. He got pics of it too which I will scan and post online as soon as I possibly can.

So that was a dream fulfilled for me. Another one was sort of fulfilled as well, but discretion forbids me from writing about it here. Sorry, folks, you'll just have to use your imaginations. ;)

Anyway sorry for the delay of this recap but I'm still coming down off the high. Not to mention my voice is still recovering. But that's really from singing along and shouting throughout the show, not from singing "Flower". So I would imagine once my voice is back at 100% I'll be hitting the local karaoke scene. I really felt in my element up there on stage. Perhaps if PD ever needs a new vocalist...

P.S. One thing's for sure, PD needs a new lead guitarist. Patrick dropped the bombshell on us that this was his final tour with PD (his last show with them is tonight in fact) to concentrate on his own band, Dirty Power. I've added a link to the DP page at right. They've got a video premiering on MTV soon and it will also be viewable on their site soon. Check them out, they fuckin' kick some serious ass!

EDIT

The purpose of this post is to help shorten the main page here at the Pond. Some recent items such as the "Dove Pond" were getting pretty lengthy, making it hard to load this page. I've managed to trim things down a bit by replacing some of the longer items with links to where they're posted elsewhere. I also republished the last post (Celeb Crushes/Smoking ban) as two separate posts, as I should have done in the first place.

I apologize for the inconvenience. (And nothing else!)

I ALMOST FEEL SORRY FOR THE POOR BASTIDS (NO I DON'T)

Well the smoking ban here in Toledo finally took effect this week, and I gotta tell ya, on the way to work last night I passed a couple of neighborhood bars and of course I got to see small packs of nicotine slaves puttering around out front puffing away. Luckily since I was on my way to work and didn't have the spare time, I was able to resist the temptation to pull the car over so I could laugh and point at them.

"Awww, poor little drug addicts. Wassa matter? Now you can only pollute your own lungs? Awww boo-gy boo-gy boo-gy! Poor things. There there, I know how you feel. Once I was in a McDonald's, and I was eating a Big Mac, and I started to go around to the other customers and spit what I'd chewed down their throats...and would you believe (sniff...sob) the store manager made me go outside! Boo-hoo-hoo! I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! Losers."

What a splendid site it was. Makes me proud to be a non-smoking Toledoan. Can't wait to go out on the weekends and actually have a social life. See you all on Karaoke night. :) I think I might go join a bowling league too! STEE-RIKE!

IN THIS INSTALLMENT OF THE DOVE POND:

1. AN ESSAY THAT GIVES ME HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
2. SUCK MY DECK
3. WE'RE HERE, WE'RE CANADIAN, GET USED TO IT, EH?
4. HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDAH...GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
5. BOB HOPE MUST DIE, AND APPARENTLY SO MUST A LOT OF UNKNOWN DOGFACES
6. WOULD YOU HIRE THIS MAN?

***
1.
WHAT THE AMERICAN FLAG STANDS FOR
by Charlotte Aldebron

***
2.
You want a deck of cards? I got your deck of cards RIGHT HERE!

***
3.
IS THERE NO SHAME AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVE.?

After ABC News reporter Jeffrey Kofman did a story from Iraq recently detailing low morale among the troops serving there, the Bush administration reportedly sought to discredit the man rather than refute the message. Apparently someone inside the White House went to cybergossip Matt Drudge and leaked that Kofman was gay. Then, in its effort to further spin the news and muzzle the media, the administration rummaged through Kofman's closet and revealed him to be . . . a Canadian.

Put yourself in Kofman's shoes. What if he hadn't come out yet as a Canadian to his family and friends? There it was, on the Internet for everyone to see. Imagine how difficult it will be now for him at family gatherings or in the office. Awkward silences, punctuated by the occasional, "Boy, that William Shatner is an underrated actor."

It is nothing short of immoral to add to the burden that Kofman must feel as he lives his life as a Canadian. He probably realized at a young age that he was Canadian when, to his horror, it sank in that he was more attracted to hockey than baseball.

Our society already makes it difficult for people to live as Canadians.

Our football fields aren't 110 yards long, and hardly any Americans appreciate Gordon Lightfoot. Adding to their shame are the openly Canadian celebrities who turn their backs on their lifestyle. Peter Jennings became the poster child for ex-Canadians when he earlier this month swore an oath and became an American, and Wayne Gretzky -- Wayne Gretzky -- actually went so far as to marry an American.

The plight of Canadians isn't helped by flamboyant Canadians. We've all seen them marching in their Dominion Day parades, wearing their outrageously flaming red Mountie outfits, waving their Maple Leaf flags and pledging allegiance to their "queen."

To use Kofman's Canadianness as a slur shows how ignorant and intolerant this administration is. We know much more about being Canadian than we did just 10 years ago. For instance, many sociologists now believe that people don't choose to be Canadian, they're born that way.

Instead of deriding Kofman as a Canadian, President Bush should embrace him as being an integral part of the diverse fabric that makes up America.

All people have worth and can contribute to the American dream, even if they're Canadian.

But having the Supreme Court legalize Canadian sex, that's a whole different matter.

***
4.
Bring them on, my ass...BRING THEM HOME! Letter from a young soldier in Iraq

***
5.
Bob Hope died, and the multimillionaire semi-funny right-wing golf-loving non-combatant gets Federal flags at half staff (Bush's actual decree).

Meanwhile... another sweet son of America dies, far before his 100th birthday, without experiencing accolades, television lights, or golf games with Presidents. All he did was go to Iraq and get killed in a Humvee...anonymously.

Think about this: I mean it... THINK about this.

Ponder this.

What does THIS say about America? How painfully revealing is this about the "cult of personality" that we've become? What does this fawning and gushing over the timely and wholly expected death of an obscenely wealthy and well-connected entertainer say about the character of our President?

Bush did not declare that flags should fly reverentially at half-staff for any of the 68 non-celebrity American soldiers who have died since he decided the war was "over" on May 1st.

No. The Texas cheerleader decreed, instead, that the flags at Federal institutions shall fly at half staff for... the century-old wealthy comedian. Un huh.

After all, who in the hell was that poor schmoe dead Marine? And who in the hell cares?

Michael J. Young
San Diego CA

***
6.
WOULD YOU HIRE THIS MAN?

RESUME OF GEORGE W. BUSH

COMING SOON TO THE DUCKPOND: ALBUM REVIEWS!

With Arthur Kill's "Addiction" album being officially released August 1st (I've had it since March, because I'm cool), and with Pansy Division's "Total Entertainment" album being released August 12th (I've already ordered it), I'll be rolling out my new Pond side feature, Duck Pond Album Reviews.

Way cool. The new PD album comes out (pun intended) on the 12th. As if the day wasn't special enough. ALF's b-day, the Perseids, the 1-year anniversary of the infamous "Paula" pic, and now the brand thpanking new PD CD. Can 8/12 get any cooler?