18 HOLES AND A DOZEN (MINUS 5) FREAKIES

Some of you already know that I enjoy the occasional round of frisbee golf. (You probably also know that I always refer to it as 'frisbee golf', never 'disc golf', for the same reason most people refer to facial tissues as 'Kleenex' regardless of the brand. Do you know anyone who calls them 'Puffs'? I don't. If you asked someone for a 'Puff', you'd most likely get something other than a facial tissue. Which reminds me of that one Mitch Hedberg joke about how the Pringles company's original intent was to make tennis balls but they got a truckload of potatoes instead and since they're laid-back they said 'Fuck it, cut em up!' Do you think maybe the makers of Puffs originally intended to make rolling papers but they turned out too thin and flimsy and some pothead in the product-testing group sneezed and the rest was history?)

Well today I finally got around to moseying down the street to Highland park to plot out my own frisbee golf course. I managed to lay out a decent 18 holes, I think. And just like the first course I ever made up, at Walbridge Park, the entire course is reversible, meaning you can go around it clockwise or counterclockwise. This is because the immediate area around (almost) every 'hole' acts as the tee-off area for the next 'hole'.

Now, instead of the standard metal basket on a pole you find on an actual course nowadays, when making up my own course I have to use other objects as 'holes': trees, light poles, sign posts, whatever the park has to offer up. One of the 'holes' I picked out was an old, lumpy-looking tree which reminded me of the Freakies tree.

And at this point many of you are now wondering just what the flying French dip is the Freakies tree? For the answer to that, please view the video below.



"We never miss a meal / 'cause we love our cere-eel" has to be the most labored rhyme in commercial jingle history. And yes, I can name all 7 Freakies off the top of my head without the aid of the above video. The one I always have trouble remembering, though, is Hamhose. But how do you forget a name like Hamhose?? Especially when you're me?! Kind of sounds filthy when you think about it. "Hey broad, I got yer hamhose right here!" Perhaps the folks at Ralston Purina were intentionally warping my little 8-year-old mind with that stuff. I love the 70s.

The sad fact, though, is that I never, not once, actually ate Freakies cereal. For whatever reason. I think maybe by the time I got to the point where I went with my mom to the grocery store on a regular basis, Freakies cereal was gone. Always saw the commercials, never got to try it. Same with Koogle. What, you don't remember Koogle either? Twas a peanut butter that came in 4 flavors: chocolate, vanilla, banana, and cinnamon. (For more on Koogle, click here. Or, you could Google Koogle!)

Perhaps it's just as well. Odds are I would have liked both Freakies and Koogle. (I might have even combined them.) But then, with their disappearances, they would have joined a long list of grocery items I absolutely loved that got discontinued. Been happening all my life. It's a conspiracy, I tells ya! Campbell's Meatball Alphabet soup, Snyder's Coney Island Potato Chips (hot dog and mustard flavor!), Zotz (the fizzy candy), Kroger fish cakes, the list goes on and on.

And then add the fact that Pizza Hut still (after more than 2 decades) has yet to bring back the Priazzo, and you can see why I get paranoid about this kind of shit. (You can also see how I got fat.)