THE TREASURE OF THE ARCHIVO ROJO (EPISODE 1)

It figures. Just three days into my new daily blogging policy and I'm already blanking. But not to worry, for I have a healthy stash of archived material to fall back on. I recently recovered my long-lost Red Folder, which contains a buttload of insane song lyrics, short stories, and other assorted weirdness from my younger days.

Today, in our first installment, we'll take a look at a much-talked-about classic: "Fun With Googols", a piece inspired by Carl Sagan's "Cosmos", based on the numbers googol and googolplex. A googol is 10 to the hundredth power, or a one followed by 100 zeros. Here's one now:

10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

And a googolplex is a one followed by a googol zeros (which I will not type out here, let alone write it out on a piece of paper since the amount of paper I'd need to do so could not fit within the known universe), also known as 10 to the power or a googol, or 10 to the 10 to the 100th.

This was as far as Dr. Sagan went on the subject, so I took it upon myself to go further. The next logical step was 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th, or 10 to the power of a googolplex, which would be a one followed by a googolplex zeros. I dubbed this number the 'googolduplex'.

Next there's the 'googolbonanza': 10 to the power of a googolduplex, or a one followed by a googolduplex zeros, or 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th, which can be sung to the tune of the "Bonanza" theme song.

After that was the 'googolcondominium', 10 to the power of a googolbonanza, or 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th.

Then I ramped things up quite a bit...

10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th = googolherpes simplex

10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th = googolherpes complex

10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th = googolherpes duplex

10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th = googolherpes duplex with a side order of fries and a small Pepsi and thanks for the memories

10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th = quadri-googol ouch you nasty eat my shorts shit to bed baby fuck me in the dick lick my boody bitch Obi-Wan Kenobi nerf herder in your ass and out your nose and round and round inside your toes gone with the Velveeta down the road changed into a ball of mold and a bacon double cheeseburger with onion rings and good night and good luck and good vibrations

10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 10 to the 100th = quintuple googolot chicken butt turn around and lick it up Charlie Charlie two by four watch him eat the bathroom door if bearded clams make you sick get on your knees and suck my dick lick my boody lick some more lick my dookie off the floor get yourself a sadist whore make her throw you through the door up my asshole your tongue goes while I'm farting in your nose lick my balls ain't that nice now your beard is full of lice lick my great big herpes scabs now your mouth is full of crabs and a seafood platter with Dr. Pepper you selfish porkface now I'll never be satisfied

It's not included on the page I found, but I'm positive there was one more that was twice as long as that last one, and the name included my well-known 'Your mama' rap which gained a life of its own:

Your mama, your daddy, your bald-headed granny
Your two-timing uncle and your three-timing auntie
Your brother and your sister and your whole damn family
And your cross-eyed cousin who I fucked in the fanny
Your mama's a ho, your daddy's a slut
Your bald-headed granny gets fucked in the butt
Your brother's a bastard, your sister's a bitch
And you have the crabs, no wonder you itch!