DENNIS HOPPER
1936-2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE
After hearing Buzz Kilman talk about it on the Steve Dahl podcast last week, I had to make the hour-long drive to the Main Art Theatre in Royal Oak (near Detroit) to see this movie. It was well worth the drive. This film is gloriously fucked-up! Those of you with weak constitutions will probably want to take a pass on it. (Wusses!)
Those of you who can handle it, just take your sense of humor in with you and keep in mind it's just a movie, it's not really happening. Mind you I'm not really a horror movie enthusiast, but there are quality kills here, and pity the poor girl who ended up being the 'middle piece' of the 3-person centipede. Oh, the fresh hell that is visited upon her by the end! But that's what you get for trying to escape.
One guy sitting near me had apparently seen it already, and brought 5 of his friends to see it. During the particularly disturbing "Feed her! Feed her!" scene, which isn't even really graphic, all it took was the mere IMPLICATION of what was happening to send at least 3 of this guy's friends running out of the theatre! I am not kidding. He high-fived me and everyone else within reach. It was an awesome moment.
A sequel is due next year, with a 12-person centipede! I can't wait. In the meantime, I strongly recommend you make the trip (however far) to GO SEE THIS MOVIE. Enjoy your popcorn. And keep the empty bag handy when you're finished!
After hearing Buzz Kilman talk about it on the Steve Dahl podcast last week, I had to make the hour-long drive to the Main Art Theatre in Royal Oak (near Detroit) to see this movie. It was well worth the drive. This film is gloriously fucked-up! Those of you with weak constitutions will probably want to take a pass on it. (Wusses!)
Those of you who can handle it, just take your sense of humor in with you and keep in mind it's just a movie, it's not really happening. Mind you I'm not really a horror movie enthusiast, but there are quality kills here, and pity the poor girl who ended up being the 'middle piece' of the 3-person centipede. Oh, the fresh hell that is visited upon her by the end! But that's what you get for trying to escape.
One guy sitting near me had apparently seen it already, and brought 5 of his friends to see it. During the particularly disturbing "Feed her! Feed her!" scene, which isn't even really graphic, all it took was the mere IMPLICATION of what was happening to send at least 3 of this guy's friends running out of the theatre! I am not kidding. He high-fived me and everyone else within reach. It was an awesome moment.
A sequel is due next year, with a 12-person centipede! I can't wait. In the meantime, I strongly recommend you make the trip (however far) to GO SEE THIS MOVIE. Enjoy your popcorn. And keep the empty bag handy when you're finished!
Monday, May 17, 2010
FLAVOR FLAV
Let me ask you a couple of questions. And by you I mean those of you who eat ramen noodles. And by that I mean those of you who prepare them the same way I do, since these questions may not apply otherwise. (Por ejemplo, I don't of anyone who eats them in soup form.) I crush the block of noodles before cooking, I drain them and eat them dry, adding the full flavor packet plus a little butter (and by butter I mean any butter-like substance) to help distribute the flavor evenly.
So the first question is, do you experience the same fleeting moment I do in the middle of preparing/eating ramen, where the word "MAGGOTS" flashes in your brain? It's very brief, it passes, and you continue. But let's all face the hard truth here. At some point, ramen resembles maggots. Usually right after you drain them. Frankly, it's the slimy quality that really sells it IMHO. (Of course many of you may not have had the same experience I had many years ago when I had a neighbor who didn't keep house too well and I offered to wash the heap of dirty dishes in their long-abandoned sink and at a certain point I picked up one dish and saw a tiny little party going on in the dish underneath and ran away screaming.)
Now the second and more important question I have about ramen noodles (and I ask for your feedback on this one especially at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com) is this:
Can you tell the different flavors apart?
I can't. I've tried just about every flavor there is (well, not mushroom, that would be disgusting) and I simply cannot discern any diff. Am I the only one? But what do you expect for 20 cents? Whatever profit Maruchan is making is clearly not going into flavor development. They just make them varying shades of brown or yellow and screw any further effort.
Their role model on this point? Two words. Froot Loops.
How many of you were weird kids like me? Well, okay, nobody's as weird as me, but were you at least weird enough to do what I did at least once and go through an entire box of Froot Loops separating the colors so you could then have a bowl of just the orange ones and then a bowl of yellow and then a bowl of red? (And yes, I know there's more colors now, you spoiled little brats, shut up!)
Yeah, you know you did it. You know you got bored one rainy day and segregated your Froot Loops, admit it. Cereal racist!
And could you tell any difference in flavor between the different Froot Loop colors? Neither could I. Oh, sure, Toucan Sam led us to believe we could. That lying son of a cunt. "Orange, lemon, and cherry!"
BULLSHIT!
But I suppose there was a valuable lesson there for all of us. It doesn't matter what color or flavor your flavor packet is, you can help feed people for cheap or just be a slimy maggot. And no matter what color of the rainbow, you can be just as frooty as the next loop.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've been sitting here typing too long. I need to separate my Crunch Berries.
***
PS: Back in the day when TV shows would try to avoid any product placement, and would cover up any brand names, I remember some pretty lame attempts at such. (Like we wouldn't be able to tell it was a can of Pepsi just because they covered up the word "Pepsi" but not the rest of the logo!) By far the lamest attempt I ever saw was on some sitcom in a scene at the breakfast table: A big box of "ROOT OOPS".
OOPS!
Let me ask you a couple of questions. And by you I mean those of you who eat ramen noodles. And by that I mean those of you who prepare them the same way I do, since these questions may not apply otherwise. (Por ejemplo, I don't of anyone who eats them in soup form.) I crush the block of noodles before cooking, I drain them and eat them dry, adding the full flavor packet plus a little butter (and by butter I mean any butter-like substance) to help distribute the flavor evenly.
So the first question is, do you experience the same fleeting moment I do in the middle of preparing/eating ramen, where the word "MAGGOTS" flashes in your brain? It's very brief, it passes, and you continue. But let's all face the hard truth here. At some point, ramen resembles maggots. Usually right after you drain them. Frankly, it's the slimy quality that really sells it IMHO. (Of course many of you may not have had the same experience I had many years ago when I had a neighbor who didn't keep house too well and I offered to wash the heap of dirty dishes in their long-abandoned sink and at a certain point I picked up one dish and saw a tiny little party going on in the dish underneath and ran away screaming.)
Now the second and more important question I have about ramen noodles (and I ask for your feedback on this one especially at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com) is this:
Can you tell the different flavors apart?
I can't. I've tried just about every flavor there is (well, not mushroom, that would be disgusting) and I simply cannot discern any diff. Am I the only one? But what do you expect for 20 cents? Whatever profit Maruchan is making is clearly not going into flavor development. They just make them varying shades of brown or yellow and screw any further effort.
Their role model on this point? Two words. Froot Loops.
How many of you were weird kids like me? Well, okay, nobody's as weird as me, but were you at least weird enough to do what I did at least once and go through an entire box of Froot Loops separating the colors so you could then have a bowl of just the orange ones and then a bowl of yellow and then a bowl of red? (And yes, I know there's more colors now, you spoiled little brats, shut up!)
Yeah, you know you did it. You know you got bored one rainy day and segregated your Froot Loops, admit it. Cereal racist!
And could you tell any difference in flavor between the different Froot Loop colors? Neither could I. Oh, sure, Toucan Sam led us to believe we could. That lying son of a cunt. "Orange, lemon, and cherry!"
BULLSHIT!
But I suppose there was a valuable lesson there for all of us. It doesn't matter what color or flavor your flavor packet is, you can help feed people for cheap or just be a slimy maggot. And no matter what color of the rainbow, you can be just as frooty as the next loop.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've been sitting here typing too long. I need to separate my Crunch Berries.
***
PS: Back in the day when TV shows would try to avoid any product placement, and would cover up any brand names, I remember some pretty lame attempts at such. (Like we wouldn't be able to tell it was a can of Pepsi just because they covered up the word "Pepsi" but not the rest of the logo!) By far the lamest attempt I ever saw was on some sitcom in a scene at the breakfast table: A big box of "ROOT OOPS".
OOPS!
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
FOUR DEAD IN OHIO
(The poem below is by my dear friend and fellow NWOPC member Terry Lodge)
Looking down from the brusque, black marble memorial
Grave reminder
Of a dark chapter
I'm halfway between Blanket Hill and the valley of
death of May 4, 1970
At an observation post above a field of green
Today dressed up as thousands of war crimes
On May 3, 2006.
It is May
And the semi-shade of the black oak branches
And their celadon new-leaves
Wreath the distant, orderly rows
Of white spring petals
Fallen from the Tree of Death.
Tears water this chiaroscuro of whitewash nestled
Implacably in shadow.
From a distance, a palette worthy of Manet
Choreographed by Rumsfeld,
Or is it Kissinger? Or Gates? The blood is the same color
No matter how far back I look.
These petals will produce no fruit
Nor beauty nor poetry
Neither will they produce
leaves; only leave-takings.
We listen
For some hopeful spring noise
That their blood might have nurtured
Silently, met by silence.
- Terry Lodge, 2006 and 2010
(The poem below is by my dear friend and fellow NWOPC member Terry Lodge)
Looking down from the brusque, black marble memorial
Grave reminder
Of a dark chapter
I'm halfway between Blanket Hill and the valley of
death of May 4, 1970
At an observation post above a field of green
Today dressed up as thousands of war crimes
On May 3, 2006.
It is May
And the semi-shade of the black oak branches
And their celadon new-leaves
Wreath the distant, orderly rows
Of white spring petals
Fallen from the Tree of Death.
Tears water this chiaroscuro of whitewash nestled
Implacably in shadow.
From a distance, a palette worthy of Manet
Choreographed by Rumsfeld,
Or is it Kissinger? Or Gates? The blood is the same color
No matter how far back I look.
These petals will produce no fruit
Nor beauty nor poetry
Neither will they produce
leaves; only leave-takings.
We listen
For some hopeful spring noise
That their blood might have nurtured
Silently, met by silence.
- Terry Lodge, 2006 and 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
BOLF
I had one of those "Eureka!" moments today at work. I call it "Bolf".
It's a very simple concept, really. It's just bowling, but scored like golf. You bowl 10 frames, or 12 or 18 or whatever, and try to knock down all the pins in as few throws as possible. (A strike would then equal a hole-in-one, and also there would be no open frames, because in each frame you would continue to throw until you knock down all 10 pins.)
Granted, I'm a genius, but I have a hard time believing I am the first person to think of this. A brief search of the internet turned up one instance of golf being scored like bowling (well, sort of), but as far as I can tell, no idea like mine. But then, I have a hard time finding things on the internet, plus, like I say up top, the internet sucks. So if anyone knows of anyone thinking of this before me, so be it. Until then, I will go ahead and take credit for it. Not that it matters, I highly doubt there's any way for me or anyone else to make a dime from it.
Two major questions remain: First, it will require the ability to switch from automatic to manual resetting of the pins, and the willingness of the bowling alley to let you do so, which should not be a problem if you are paying for a certain amount of time on the lanes instead of a certain number of games, like some bowling alleys do for, say, glow bowling nights.
Second, does anyone have a problem with the name "Bolf"? Because I also considered "Bowlf". Or if you like, we could get silly and call it "Beowulf"!
PS: No, THIS is NOT what I'm talking about.
I had one of those "Eureka!" moments today at work. I call it "Bolf".
It's a very simple concept, really. It's just bowling, but scored like golf. You bowl 10 frames, or 12 or 18 or whatever, and try to knock down all the pins in as few throws as possible. (A strike would then equal a hole-in-one, and also there would be no open frames, because in each frame you would continue to throw until you knock down all 10 pins.)
Granted, I'm a genius, but I have a hard time believing I am the first person to think of this. A brief search of the internet turned up one instance of golf being scored like bowling (well, sort of), but as far as I can tell, no idea like mine. But then, I have a hard time finding things on the internet, plus, like I say up top, the internet sucks. So if anyone knows of anyone thinking of this before me, so be it. Until then, I will go ahead and take credit for it. Not that it matters, I highly doubt there's any way for me or anyone else to make a dime from it.
Two major questions remain: First, it will require the ability to switch from automatic to manual resetting of the pins, and the willingness of the bowling alley to let you do so, which should not be a problem if you are paying for a certain amount of time on the lanes instead of a certain number of games, like some bowling alleys do for, say, glow bowling nights.
Second, does anyone have a problem with the name "Bolf"? Because I also considered "Bowlf". Or if you like, we could get silly and call it "Beowulf"!
PS: No, THIS is NOT what I'm talking about.
BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK
Grape Smugglers Lite--Friday at Cousino's Steak House
SeeAlice--Friday at Bronze Boar
Sexy Roast Beef--Saturday at Dog House
The Infernal Names--Saturday at Longhorn Saloon, Sunday at Frankie's Inner City
Lame-O--Sunday at Frankie's Inner City
Hating Hollywood--Wednesday at Pub 51
Beaver Fever with the Village Idiot All-Stars--Wednesday at Village Idiot
Grape Smugglers Lite--Friday at Cousino's Steak House
SeeAlice--Friday at Bronze Boar
Sexy Roast Beef--Saturday at Dog House
The Infernal Names--Saturday at Longhorn Saloon, Sunday at Frankie's Inner City
Lame-O--Sunday at Frankie's Inner City
Hating Hollywood--Wednesday at Pub 51
Beaver Fever with the Village Idiot All-Stars--Wednesday at Village Idiot
Sunday, April 25, 2010
BRACE YOURSELF FOR...
by Bruce Maiman, Populist Examiner, April 25, 2010
In a science experiment that will surely delight teenage boys the world over, thousands of women have promised to show a little more skin than usual tomorrow.
Following the pronouncement of Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi that "women who do not dress modestly" cause moral decay that "increases earthquakes," Jenn McCreight created an indignant Facebook group:
"I have a modest proposal," she wrote. "Sedighi claims that not dressing modestly causes earthquakes. If so, we should be able to test this claim scientifically ... Time for a Boobquake."
McCreight called on women to wear their skimpiest tops ("or short shorts, if that's your preferred form of immodesty") on Monday. If the combined power of all that exposed female flesh doesn't trigger some teeth-rattling earthquakes, Sedighi will have been proven wrong!
Almost as amusing as the idea of Boobquake is that its creator didn't intend for it to be an actual event. McCreight, a self-described "liberal, geeky, nerdy, scientific, perverted atheist feminist," wrote a jokey blog entry about "Boobquake" and forgot about it. Then the Internet got a hold of it. "Holy crap," she wrote two days (and 96,000 Facebook fans) later. "To be honest, it started as silly joke that I hurriedly fired off since I was about to miss the beginning of House."
"House" will have to wait for McCreight's attention; she's busy going on the radio, arranging interviews for the BBC, and calming the concerns of worried scientists.
It's the Cleric vs the Cleavage, 2010! The Boob vs the Boobs! (Order now!)
Don't worry," she says. "I fully plan on doing some statistics after the event."
by Bruce Maiman, Populist Examiner, April 25, 2010
In a science experiment that will surely delight teenage boys the world over, thousands of women have promised to show a little more skin than usual tomorrow.
Following the pronouncement of Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi that "women who do not dress modestly" cause moral decay that "increases earthquakes," Jenn McCreight created an indignant Facebook group:
"I have a modest proposal," she wrote. "Sedighi claims that not dressing modestly causes earthquakes. If so, we should be able to test this claim scientifically ... Time for a Boobquake."
McCreight called on women to wear their skimpiest tops ("or short shorts, if that's your preferred form of immodesty") on Monday. If the combined power of all that exposed female flesh doesn't trigger some teeth-rattling earthquakes, Sedighi will have been proven wrong!
Almost as amusing as the idea of Boobquake is that its creator didn't intend for it to be an actual event. McCreight, a self-described "liberal, geeky, nerdy, scientific, perverted atheist feminist," wrote a jokey blog entry about "Boobquake" and forgot about it. Then the Internet got a hold of it. "Holy crap," she wrote two days (and 96,000 Facebook fans) later. "To be honest, it started as silly joke that I hurriedly fired off since I was about to miss the beginning of House."
"House" will have to wait for McCreight's attention; she's busy going on the radio, arranging interviews for the BBC, and calming the concerns of worried scientists.
It's the Cleric vs the Cleavage, 2010! The Boob vs the Boobs! (Order now!)
Don't worry," she says. "I fully plan on doing some statistics after the event."
Sunday, April 04, 2010
LIFE IS BETTER...OR AT LEAST IT WOULD BE...
...if medical science would catch up with Buckeye Cable's remote control exchange policy. If your remote starts going bad on you, you can take it in and swap it out for a new one, no questions asked. I hope I live to see the day when I can do the same with my body! "This thing has gone to shit, can I get a new one?" "Sure, here you go. Have a nice day."
...if medical science would catch up with Buckeye Cable's remote control exchange policy. If your remote starts going bad on you, you can take it in and swap it out for a new one, no questions asked. I hope I live to see the day when I can do the same with my body! "This thing has gone to shit, can I get a new one?" "Sure, here you go. Have a nice day."
Sunday, March 28, 2010
YOU CAN'T GET *THAT* COFFEE AT STARBUCKS!
Perhaps some of you guys of a certain generation remember being a little boy on a rainy day with nothing better to do, nosing around the house, going through drawers and cabinets, finding what were ordinary household objects, and wondering what were all these strange things that your parents kept stashed around and what purpose might they serve. And then, of course, you used your imagination.
And perhaps while poking around in the bathroom by yourself, you found the "hot water bottle". You know, the one made of the same red rubber as a school gym dodgeball or a plunger. And at some point one of your parents told you not to play with that, but they didn't give you a reason, because back in the day parents didn't have to explain themselves. And so you wondered what the big deal was, because you didn't see what possible harm it could do.
And perhaps in your single-digit-age mind, you thought the "hot water bottle" was like a thermos somehow. Like a canteen. Maybe you were supposed to fill it with hot water and take it with you while camping. Then you'd have hot water for whatever wilderness-related emergency, or just for making coffee or soup the next morning.
And probably, at least once, you filled it with water right there from the bathroom sink (in our house, that was always the best-tasting water) and drank from it. And probably only once, because it had that weird dodgeball taste to it. Still, where's the harm?
And then, years, or even decades, later, right after you're done dealing with yet another stupid asshole, and under your breath you call them a word you've used a thousand times before: "douchebag", a spark ignites in your brain.
"Ohhh yeahhh, THAT'S what that was for...BLEEAAGHHH!!!"
Um...this happened to a friend of mine.
[July 2010 PS: This has the makings of a Jump Smokers parody.]
Perhaps some of you guys of a certain generation remember being a little boy on a rainy day with nothing better to do, nosing around the house, going through drawers and cabinets, finding what were ordinary household objects, and wondering what were all these strange things that your parents kept stashed around and what purpose might they serve. And then, of course, you used your imagination.
And perhaps while poking around in the bathroom by yourself, you found the "hot water bottle". You know, the one made of the same red rubber as a school gym dodgeball or a plunger. And at some point one of your parents told you not to play with that, but they didn't give you a reason, because back in the day parents didn't have to explain themselves. And so you wondered what the big deal was, because you didn't see what possible harm it could do.
And perhaps in your single-digit-age mind, you thought the "hot water bottle" was like a thermos somehow. Like a canteen. Maybe you were supposed to fill it with hot water and take it with you while camping. Then you'd have hot water for whatever wilderness-related emergency, or just for making coffee or soup the next morning.
And probably, at least once, you filled it with water right there from the bathroom sink (in our house, that was always the best-tasting water) and drank from it. And probably only once, because it had that weird dodgeball taste to it. Still, where's the harm?
And then, years, or even decades, later, right after you're done dealing with yet another stupid asshole, and under your breath you call them a word you've used a thousand times before: "douchebag", a spark ignites in your brain.
"Ohhh yeahhh, THAT'S what that was for...BLEEAAGHHH!!!"
Um...this happened to a friend of mine.
[July 2010 PS: This has the makings of a Jump Smokers parody.]
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
HIS LAST WORDS BEFORE TAKING TO THE ICE WERE "I CAN'T WEAR THIS HELMET, IT TOTALLY CLASHES WITH MY SEQUINED CHAPS!"
Mr. Coloredwell is still working on his 2009 football fashion reviews. Meanwhile, don't expect him to put out a fashion review of Olympic figure skaters, because he's a SPORTS fashion critic, and figure skating is NOT a sport. Any so-called sport that is decided by a panel of judges is not really a sport.
Ironically, Mr. C agrees with me on my first of 4 suggestions to improve figure skating, and maybe even turn it into an actual sport: All the skaters should wear identical outfits. It should not be a fashion show. Clearly the skaters think that they can win part of the crowd over with their outfits, which in turn might sway some of the judges. It shouldn't matter how sparkly or frilly you are dressed.
And I direct that last part specifically at all the gay male figure skaters I saw on the bar TV at karaoke the other night. Way to perpetuate stereotypes, boys! I believe that every 4 years, when this stuff comes on the telly, it sets gay rights back by about 4 years. I doubt it's winning over any of the religious, homophobic douchebags out there opposing same-sex marriage and gays in the military and/or boy scouts.
Plus, for the love of Sonia Heine, talk about a twink-fest! You're looking at more than a few cases of anorexia/bulimia out there. A lot of them probably weigh less than one of my legs! Which brings me to my next idea: different weight divisions, like they have in boxing. Just imagine a heavyweight figure skating division! Let's put a few 300-pounders like me out on the ice. Whoever falls down the fewest times wins.
Which also applies to my next idea, which would actually be the most practical and possible change that could be made to make it an actual sport: put all the skaters on the ice at once, have them just go in a circle around the rink, and have them all do the same moves at the same time, starting with the easiest ones and gradually increasing the level of difficulty. You miss one and fall, you're done. Last one skating wins.
Finally, my favorite idea: Each skater goes out and tries to execute his routine just as they do now, but with 2 new elements to raise the level of difficulty and keep things interesting. First, put a couple of hockey players out there with sticks trying to trip the skater or slam him into the boards. Second, have someone on each side of the rink sliding curling rocks across the ice. I don't know if that would make it a sport, but it would certainly be some highly entertaining shit.
"And now he's about to go for the triple lutz, and...OOH! He gets body-checked into the glass! He's down! And one of the curling rocks hits him in the head and knocks him unconscious! Well, there go his medal hopes. Bob."
Mr. Coloredwell is still working on his 2009 football fashion reviews. Meanwhile, don't expect him to put out a fashion review of Olympic figure skaters, because he's a SPORTS fashion critic, and figure skating is NOT a sport. Any so-called sport that is decided by a panel of judges is not really a sport.
Ironically, Mr. C agrees with me on my first of 4 suggestions to improve figure skating, and maybe even turn it into an actual sport: All the skaters should wear identical outfits. It should not be a fashion show. Clearly the skaters think that they can win part of the crowd over with their outfits, which in turn might sway some of the judges. It shouldn't matter how sparkly or frilly you are dressed.
And I direct that last part specifically at all the gay male figure skaters I saw on the bar TV at karaoke the other night. Way to perpetuate stereotypes, boys! I believe that every 4 years, when this stuff comes on the telly, it sets gay rights back by about 4 years. I doubt it's winning over any of the religious, homophobic douchebags out there opposing same-sex marriage and gays in the military and/or boy scouts.
Plus, for the love of Sonia Heine, talk about a twink-fest! You're looking at more than a few cases of anorexia/bulimia out there. A lot of them probably weigh less than one of my legs! Which brings me to my next idea: different weight divisions, like they have in boxing. Just imagine a heavyweight figure skating division! Let's put a few 300-pounders like me out on the ice. Whoever falls down the fewest times wins.
Which also applies to my next idea, which would actually be the most practical and possible change that could be made to make it an actual sport: put all the skaters on the ice at once, have them just go in a circle around the rink, and have them all do the same moves at the same time, starting with the easiest ones and gradually increasing the level of difficulty. You miss one and fall, you're done. Last one skating wins.
Finally, my favorite idea: Each skater goes out and tries to execute his routine just as they do now, but with 2 new elements to raise the level of difficulty and keep things interesting. First, put a couple of hockey players out there with sticks trying to trip the skater or slam him into the boards. Second, have someone on each side of the rink sliding curling rocks across the ice. I don't know if that would make it a sport, but it would certainly be some highly entertaining shit.
"And now he's about to go for the triple lutz, and...OOH! He gets body-checked into the glass! He's down! And one of the curling rocks hits him in the head and knocks him unconscious! Well, there go his medal hopes. Bob."
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Before we get to the business at hand, I should let you know that Mr. Coloredwell's 2009 football fashion review is coming soon. Also I should pass along his two Super Bowl fashion stats:
1. Including the Saints, teams wearing white jerseys have won the last 6 Super Bowls.
B. Including the Colts, teams wearing blue jerseys are 5-11 overall in Super Bowls.
DUXOOP DOZEN...THE LONG-OVERDUE CONCLUSION
And now, the big 4...
Catch Phrase Of The Year: "Yaaaaay!" (with too-fast clapping) - Bryan Gunn
A narrow victory over Quote Of The Year "No money, no women, no dope, shit", this was originally coined by former karaoke regular Kevin, but was perfectly-copied and subsequently popularized by Bryan (as well as myself), so much so that we have people who have never even MET Kevin imitating him to cheer each other's karaoke turns. Yaaaay Bryan!
Geak Rookie Of The Year: The Bus
There was a very good rookie crop this year, but my trusty steed left all the others in the dust...wait, make that a snow drift. This past Saturday I had an absolute blast driving around the snow-covered parking lot at my workplace before my delayed shift. All-wheel drive + unplowed parking lot = a shitload of FUN!
Album Of The Year: Citizen Cope - "The Clarence Greenwood Recordings"
As you'll see below, Cope snagged a lot of high spots in this year's SOTY standings, thus making this one an easy choice.
Which brings us to the biggie, Song Of The Year. Was there ever any doubt who'd win this one? Here's the top 42 (a nod to Douglas Adams) in the final standings:
1 Barnes & Barnes - Cruising Through Westwood
2 Loscil - Rorschach
3 Citizen Cope - D'Artagnan's Theme
4 Hey Rosetta! - New Goodbye
5 Pearl Jam - Just Breathe
6 Owl City - Fireflies
7 Flight Of The Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)
8 Blue Rodeo - Hasn't Hit Me Yet
9 Citizen Cope - Pablo Picasso/My Way Home
10 Flight Of The Conchords - Hiphopopotamus Vs. Rhymenoceros
11 Heatmiser - Half Right
12 Pansy Division - Never You Mind
13 Citizen Cope - Nite Becomes Day
14 Barnes & Barnes - Political Statement
15 Flight Of The Conchords - I'm Not Crying
16 Iron Maiden - The Prisoner
17 Rogue Wave - Kicking The Heart Out
18 The Rutles - The Knicker Elastic King
19 Hey Rosetta! - Hospital Beds
20 Barnes & Barnes - Fish Heads (Early Version)
21 Green Day - Last Night On Earth
22 My Morning Jacket - Golden (Acoustic)
23 Kings Of Leon - Notion
24 Madness - The Sun And The Rain
25 Citizen Cope - Son's Gonna Rise
26 Green Day - Peacemaker
27 Weird Al Yankovic - Craigslist
28 Citizen Cope - Sideways
29 Loudon Wainwright III - Good Ship Venus
30 Green Day - ?Viva La Gloria?
31 Pansy Division - Some Of My Best Friends
32 Joe Walsh - Indian Summer (live on the Steve Dahl Show)
33 Green Day - The Static Age
34 Citizen Cope - Bullet And A Target
35 Robert Lund - 99 Words For Boobs
36 Madness - One Better Day
37 The Rutles - Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik
38 Green Day - Last Of The American Girls
39 Pansy Division - It's Just A Job
40 Citizen Cope - Hurricane Waters
41 Barnes & Barnes - Voyeur
42 Weird Al Yankovic - Whatever You Like
(PS: Last year's winner, The Weepies - World Spins Madly On, finished 43rd.)
1. Including the Saints, teams wearing white jerseys have won the last 6 Super Bowls.
B. Including the Colts, teams wearing blue jerseys are 5-11 overall in Super Bowls.
DUXOOP DOZEN...THE LONG-OVERDUE CONCLUSION
And now, the big 4...
Catch Phrase Of The Year: "Yaaaaay!" (with too-fast clapping) - Bryan Gunn
A narrow victory over Quote Of The Year "No money, no women, no dope, shit", this was originally coined by former karaoke regular Kevin, but was perfectly-copied and subsequently popularized by Bryan (as well as myself), so much so that we have people who have never even MET Kevin imitating him to cheer each other's karaoke turns. Yaaaay Bryan!
Geak Rookie Of The Year: The Bus
There was a very good rookie crop this year, but my trusty steed left all the others in the dust...wait, make that a snow drift. This past Saturday I had an absolute blast driving around the snow-covered parking lot at my workplace before my delayed shift. All-wheel drive + unplowed parking lot = a shitload of FUN!
Album Of The Year: Citizen Cope - "The Clarence Greenwood Recordings"
As you'll see below, Cope snagged a lot of high spots in this year's SOTY standings, thus making this one an easy choice.
Which brings us to the biggie, Song Of The Year. Was there ever any doubt who'd win this one? Here's the top 42 (a nod to Douglas Adams) in the final standings:
1 Barnes & Barnes - Cruising Through Westwood
2 Loscil - Rorschach
3 Citizen Cope - D'Artagnan's Theme
4 Hey Rosetta! - New Goodbye
5 Pearl Jam - Just Breathe
6 Owl City - Fireflies
7 Flight Of The Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)
8 Blue Rodeo - Hasn't Hit Me Yet
9 Citizen Cope - Pablo Picasso/My Way Home
10 Flight Of The Conchords - Hiphopopotamus Vs. Rhymenoceros
11 Heatmiser - Half Right
12 Pansy Division - Never You Mind
13 Citizen Cope - Nite Becomes Day
14 Barnes & Barnes - Political Statement
15 Flight Of The Conchords - I'm Not Crying
16 Iron Maiden - The Prisoner
17 Rogue Wave - Kicking The Heart Out
18 The Rutles - The Knicker Elastic King
19 Hey Rosetta! - Hospital Beds
20 Barnes & Barnes - Fish Heads (Early Version)
21 Green Day - Last Night On Earth
22 My Morning Jacket - Golden (Acoustic)
23 Kings Of Leon - Notion
24 Madness - The Sun And The Rain
25 Citizen Cope - Son's Gonna Rise
26 Green Day - Peacemaker
27 Weird Al Yankovic - Craigslist
28 Citizen Cope - Sideways
29 Loudon Wainwright III - Good Ship Venus
30 Green Day - ?Viva La Gloria?
31 Pansy Division - Some Of My Best Friends
32 Joe Walsh - Indian Summer (live on the Steve Dahl Show)
33 Green Day - The Static Age
34 Citizen Cope - Bullet And A Target
35 Robert Lund - 99 Words For Boobs
36 Madness - One Better Day
37 The Rutles - Eine Kleine Middle Klasse Musik
38 Green Day - Last Of The American Girls
39 Pansy Division - It's Just A Job
40 Citizen Cope - Hurricane Waters
41 Barnes & Barnes - Voyeur
42 Weird Al Yankovic - Whatever You Like
(PS: Last year's winner, The Weepies - World Spins Madly On, finished 43rd.)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
MORE DUXOOP DOZEN
Let's give a few more of these out...
Breakthrough Of The Year - FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS
I can do their stuff at karaoke now! "Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)" is especially good for working the ladies in the crowd.
Quote Of The Year - BARNES & BARNES - "NO MONEY, NO WOMEN, NO DOPE, SHIT."
The lyric that stopped me dead in my tire tracks. Almost won Catch Phrase Of The Year too, because there are a couple of distinct ways to say it.
Johnny Carson Award (Corpse Of The Year) - PATRICK MCGOOHAN
The Priz had to be rolling in his grave at that shitty AMC remake. Honorable mention goes to Mark "The Bird" Fidrych. We'll miss you both, guys.
Website Of The Year - YOUTUBE
The 2006 winner comes back for a second trophy. (Honorable mention: Toledo Gas Prices)
Music Video Of The Year - LITERAL MUSIC VIDEOS
We're splitting this one between all the LMV's on my list of a few weeks ago.
Trio Award (Commercial Of The Year) - AMERICAN EXPRESS - "FACES"
Every time I see the boat with the two portholes for eyes and the rope for a mouth, I'm reminded of Taco The Wonder Dog's "You Are A Chef" video. "I am a chef! Hi! Hello!"
Carl Sagan Award (Movie Of The Year) - CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY
A second win in this category for Michael Moore (Fahrenheit 9/11 won in 2004). Marcy Kaptur couldn't ask for a better campaign ad.
Still to come: Catch Phrase, Rookie, Album and Song Of The Year winners for 2009!
Let's give a few more of these out...
Breakthrough Of The Year - FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS
I can do their stuff at karaoke now! "Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)" is especially good for working the ladies in the crowd.
Quote Of The Year - BARNES & BARNES - "NO MONEY, NO WOMEN, NO DOPE, SHIT."
The lyric that stopped me dead in my tire tracks. Almost won Catch Phrase Of The Year too, because there are a couple of distinct ways to say it.
Johnny Carson Award (Corpse Of The Year) - PATRICK MCGOOHAN
The Priz had to be rolling in his grave at that shitty AMC remake. Honorable mention goes to Mark "The Bird" Fidrych. We'll miss you both, guys.
Website Of The Year - YOUTUBE
The 2006 winner comes back for a second trophy. (Honorable mention: Toledo Gas Prices)
Music Video Of The Year - LITERAL MUSIC VIDEOS
We're splitting this one between all the LMV's on my list of a few weeks ago.
Trio Award (Commercial Of The Year) - AMERICAN EXPRESS - "FACES"
Every time I see the boat with the two portholes for eyes and the rope for a mouth, I'm reminded of Taco The Wonder Dog's "You Are A Chef" video. "I am a chef! Hi! Hello!"
Carl Sagan Award (Movie Of The Year) - CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY
A second win in this category for Michael Moore (Fahrenheit 9/11 won in 2004). Marcy Kaptur couldn't ask for a better campaign ad.
Still to come: Catch Phrase, Rookie, Album and Song Of The Year winners for 2009!
Friday, January 15, 2010
SMOKEOUT FOR HAITI CHALLENGE
I challenge all smokers to the following: quit smoking for however long it takes you to go through one pack, and donate the money you would have spent on that pack to the Haitian relief effort. Just think of the potential impact. Plus if some of you end up quitting in the process, well that would be a damn fine bonus.
I challenge all smokers to the following: quit smoking for however long it takes you to go through one pack, and donate the money you would have spent on that pack to the Haitian relief effort. Just think of the potential impact. Plus if some of you end up quitting in the process, well that would be a damn fine bonus.
Monday, January 11, 2010
2009 DUXOOP DOZEN
Yes, we've gone from the Elite 8 to the Elite 11 to now the Duxoop Dozen. Let's begin with the latest addition to the group, the ALF Award, given to the TV Show Of The Year. This replaces both the Abbie Award for Best Overall Series and the ALF Cup.
The 2009 ALF Cup season fell apart because frankly I couldn't keep up with my latest revamping of the season format. The TV landscape has changed a lot since the ALF Cup competition began way back in 1986. The old 30-week season is now obsolete, and things just got too complicated and labor-intensive for me to maintain year-round scoring and point standings and whatnot, and I simply bailed on it out of frustration. Starting in 2010, I'm just going to keep notes throughout the year, and give out the ALF Awards in pretty much all the same sorts of categories I had in the Abbies, and the winner of Best Overall Series will be crowned official champ.
Since I didn't actually keep such notes during 2009, I'll have to skip all the other categories and just give out the one biggie. This affords me the one-time chance to award it to something other than a regular series. There were a few series that stood out, such as Nitro Circus, Look Around You, Rescue Me, etc., but there was one television event this year, an hour documentary, that IMHO blew away everything else in 2009: an installment of BBC America's 'Strangelove' series that was gloriously weird, disturbing and hilarious. It astonished me, it enthralled me, and most of all it scarred me for life! The 2009 ALF Award for TV Show Of The Year goes to:
MY CAR IS MY LOVER
Check it out for yourself, it's available on YouTube in 6 parts. I've included Part 1 below, and the rest you can get to from there. It is the most delightfully fucked-up hour of TV you will ever see. You'll laugh, you'll gag, and you'll never look at Airwolf quite the same way again! Plus the last words spoken in the end shot, just before the cut to black, will ABSOLUTELY SLAY YOU.
More of the 2009 Duxoop Dozen later this week. Stay tuned.
CLICK HERE FOR PART 3 (Embedding doesn't work for some segments. WTF?!)
CLICK HERE FOR PART 5
Yes, we've gone from the Elite 8 to the Elite 11 to now the Duxoop Dozen. Let's begin with the latest addition to the group, the ALF Award, given to the TV Show Of The Year. This replaces both the Abbie Award for Best Overall Series and the ALF Cup.
The 2009 ALF Cup season fell apart because frankly I couldn't keep up with my latest revamping of the season format. The TV landscape has changed a lot since the ALF Cup competition began way back in 1986. The old 30-week season is now obsolete, and things just got too complicated and labor-intensive for me to maintain year-round scoring and point standings and whatnot, and I simply bailed on it out of frustration. Starting in 2010, I'm just going to keep notes throughout the year, and give out the ALF Awards in pretty much all the same sorts of categories I had in the Abbies, and the winner of Best Overall Series will be crowned official champ.
Since I didn't actually keep such notes during 2009, I'll have to skip all the other categories and just give out the one biggie. This affords me the one-time chance to award it to something other than a regular series. There were a few series that stood out, such as Nitro Circus, Look Around You, Rescue Me, etc., but there was one television event this year, an hour documentary, that IMHO blew away everything else in 2009: an installment of BBC America's 'Strangelove' series that was gloriously weird, disturbing and hilarious. It astonished me, it enthralled me, and most of all it scarred me for life! The 2009 ALF Award for TV Show Of The Year goes to:
MY CAR IS MY LOVER
Check it out for yourself, it's available on YouTube in 6 parts. I've included Part 1 below, and the rest you can get to from there. It is the most delightfully fucked-up hour of TV you will ever see. You'll laugh, you'll gag, and you'll never look at Airwolf quite the same way again! Plus the last words spoken in the end shot, just before the cut to black, will ABSOLUTELY SLAY YOU.
More of the 2009 Duxoop Dozen later this week. Stay tuned.
CLICK HERE FOR PART 3 (Embedding doesn't work for some segments. WTF?!)
CLICK HERE FOR PART 5
Sunday, January 10, 2010
BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A PENIS WITH NO NAME
Okay, maybe that poll question was a bit too personal. But for the most part it seemed to support my long-held theory that naming your genitals is a guy thing. Most male friends I've asked have named theirs, and most female friends I've asked haven't. The poll bore that out, with one exception. Seriously, dude, whomever you are, give that poor thing a name already!
BTW: Almost all the usual year-end awards have been, well, awarded. It's up to 12 now, so I'm calling it the Duxoop Dozen. I'll post those very soon. Also, Mr. Coloredwell will soon reveal his final rankings for this season's best and worst college football uniforms. Stay tuned.
Okay, maybe that poll question was a bit too personal. But for the most part it seemed to support my long-held theory that naming your genitals is a guy thing. Most male friends I've asked have named theirs, and most female friends I've asked haven't. The poll bore that out, with one exception. Seriously, dude, whomever you are, give that poor thing a name already!
BTW: Almost all the usual year-end awards have been, well, awarded. It's up to 12 now, so I'm calling it the Duxoop Dozen. I'll post those very soon. Also, Mr. Coloredwell will soon reveal his final rankings for this season's best and worst college football uniforms. Stay tuned.
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