[Ducksoup's note: The following is from Taco's site, and I wanted to make sure you all saw it because it's fucking hilarious. But I'm posting it as is so no 5 bucks for typos. And why do I get the feeling you're all going to start referring to me by a new nickname?]
A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MARIO
By Taco and Livestock
Mario opened his eyes. It was a brand new day and it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! He instantly put on his brightest pair of red overalls and his special mario party underwear and combed the blood out of his mustache. He suspected all his friends in the magic kingdom or whatever gay shit name wherever he lives has were planning a surprise party, but he had no evidence to back it up. He decided he would play coy and wait for the important phone call inviting him to the party.
Suddenly, he heard a crash! He turned towards the source of the crash and saw a brick come crashing through his crashed window! CRASH! Mario looked out the window, but saw nobody! There was a note tied to the brick... it said, 'This is a brick!'
Furious, Mario took the brick into his basement where he busted it to pieces with a hammer he procured from a dead turtle. The brick crumbled into pieces, and he ate the pieces. Later his revenge was complete when he blew up a hat factory that was next to a brick factory. The fire spread to the brick factory and the brick factory fell over and landed on a man holding a brick. Police traced the arson back to Mario, and a swat team stormed his house arresting him. He was dragged to prison, where his special party underwear was broken in.
Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new dayand it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario tried to climb out of bed, but immense pain and bed sores prevented him from doing so. He was lying in a week's worth of urine and a month worth's of spaghetti. Also, he had no arms or legs due to a freak accident with a toaster and a cute puppy and a nuclear reactor.
Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. It's a forklift and a crew ready to move Mario to the party. Only Mario can't open the door, so they wait ten minutes and then leave.
Mario lives on a steady supply of wet cat food and stupid cunt. Now the tense changes back to the past.
The phone rang in violent thunderings of "ring, ring." Mario leaned over to reach the screaming phone, but rolled out of bed and landed on the floor, crashing through it into an S&M dungeon below his house.
There was an S&M Dog there. "Hi," said the S&M Dog, "I'm Doug the S&M Dog."
Mario decided it was time to get in shape. He began his diet by not eating the S&M Dog. Doug the S&M Dog helped him get in shape by putting him in a box and hitting him over and over again with a stick. This only made Mario depressed.
Mario tried to hang himself using a noose made out of hotdog links. The cold, fleshy texture of the hotdogs reminded him of Italy, where he once made love to a vacationing Persian boy. Mario remembered the sweet memories. The memories smelled like orange juice. Then his neck snapped and he died instantly.
Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new dayand it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario opened his top drawer, pulled out his gun, and shot himself in the head three times.
Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new day and it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario climbed out of bed and ate a shitload of magic mushrooms. He got so high he took off all his clothes and went out in his front yard, where a raccoon raped and murdered him.
Mario lay bleeding in his front yard for six hours until his friends who had arrived to give him a surprise birthday party discovered him. They raped his corpse and threw it into the ocean, but only after pissing on Mario and writing "CUNT BURGER BOATPEOPLE" on his forehead in cunt-colored marker. It was the best surprise party anyone had ever thrown for Mario.
Mario lay in the bottom of the ocean for years, drifting vaguely to the west, until he happened to be crushed into the ocean floor by a sinking ship. Mario crunched through the rotted bottom of the ship. His corpse floated around the quarters and decks of the sunken vessel. There was a pirate skeleton and it raped him. The pirate skeleton was a pirate skeleton of honor, and so he wed Mario and they remained dead together for centuries.
One day Mario stopped being dead and floated to the surface to partake in his revenge upon his "friends" who had not given him a cake on his birthday His friends were long dead, which depressed Mario, so he committed suicide twice. He could not get revenge, and so he set about haunting a popular mailbox. He lived on love letters and mice. And every year on the day of his death, the mail disappears.
This has been the tale of the haunted mailbox haunted by the ghost of Mario who was killed several times in his sleep and ultimately killed for real followed closely by a two hundred year quest to rise from the depths of the ocean and get revenge. Now it is over. Goodbye!
Tuesday, August 20, 2002
Thursday, August 15, 2002
Here's a sort of companion piece to go with the "Cola Wars" posting (it actually predates the other piece):
BLUE FOOD: REVISITED
by Ducksoup
I just had my first taste of Pepsi Blue, and not my last. I'd say in this latest epic cola grudge match, Pepsi Blue and Vanilla Coke have gamely fought to a draw. But it did start me thinking about the recent proliferation of blue food in our grocery stores and carryouts.
Many years ago, George Carlin wondered aloud why there was no blue food. Who had all the blue food? Why were they keeping it from us? All the other colors were represented. But in those days, the rare occurence of blue food was purely an arbitrary thing. The flavor in question never really had anything to do with blue in a tangible sense. The only food that could come close to laying claim to blue as an official food color was the blueberry. But as Carlin noted, "Blue on the vine, purple on the plate."
Of course, Grape had already called dibs on Purple, and nobody disputed it. And most of the other colors were no-brainers; Orange obviously had sole possession of Orange from the get-go (though it allowed its close associate Tangerine to use Burnt Orange), and Lemon simply beat Banana to the punch for the rights to Yellow, leaving Banana to settle for Pale Yellow.
Lime, meanwhile, had a firm grip on Green, but only because no one else wanted it. After all, many consumers associated Green with mold. And Lime Jello, let's face it, is widely regarded as a sad joke. In fact, Green's stock dropped so low at one point that Lime was ultimately left with few other options and was all but forced to team up with Lemon in products such as 7-Up and Sprite just to keep up its mortgage payments.
But the biggest battle for color rights in the fruit-flavored world was over Red. In the eyes of many, Cherry had firmly staked its claim to the color. But many others sided with Strawberry. After years of legal deadlocks, the two sides made an somewhat uneasy compromise. Cherry and Strawberry would simply stay out of each other's way.
To this day, the two rarely co-exist in any multi-flavored medium. In most other cases (Starburst, for example), Strawberry agreed to relegate itself to Pink. The rest of the time, Cherry would grudgingly agree to be a Dark Red, even Maroon in some cases. (Once, Cherry even attempted to use Burgundy, but was forced to back off after Dr. Pepper threatened legal action.)
And then, there was Raspberry. The bastard stepchild of the red berry flavors.
Raspberry, with absolutely no legal or popular support on its side, was left out in the cold. It tried in vain to obtain the rights to Violet-Red, but was no match for Cranberry, which had a wealth of powerful Thanksgiving lobbyists on its side. For many years, Raspberry was a flavor without a color to call its own.
Then, in the late 1970s, the faithful support of a small cult of Raspberry enthusiasts grew at an astonishing rate to a groundswell of popular support to give the flavor its due. For years the fruit-flavored food industry had been thoroughly resistant to change, and the idea that flavors and colors must match in all circumstances went unchallenged. But in the landmark 1978 Supreme Court case of California v. Slush Puppie, the radical and unprecedented move was made to grant Raspberry use of the color Blue.
Needless to say, Blueberry was PISSED. But the unpopular flavor had no leg to stand on, especially after Boo Berry cereal ceased production. When it finally was granted an official color years later, it had to settle for Blue-Violet, and then only after Grape had agreed to ease up on its virtual stranglehold on the entire violet and near-violet realm of the spectrum.
Raspberry continues to thrive using Blue as its medium, and has since granted many others permission to use the color in limited release, the latest of course being the lucrative deal with Pepsi. Thus, store shelves are now seemingly overrun with blue products. Still, none of these have flavors that are inherently blue in nature. And so, in the hearts and minds of purists, there remains no 'true blue' food to this day.
Meanwhile, other color battles are still being waged. Strawberry's occasional use of Pink, for example, ran into a formidable challenge from Watermelon beginning in the early 1980s. But in recent years, Strawberry has inexplicably teamed up with Kiwi in order to hang on to Pink. Many consumers, myself included, regard this as a match made in hell. I would put it this way: If the primary fruit flavors were the Beatles, Strawberry would be John Lennon, making Kiwi its Yoko Ono. (Except that Kiwi has a better singing voice.)
[2010 P.S. I guess this means Acai is May Pang.]
Flavor experts agree that the discovery of the fourth primary color, Squant, in the early 1990s could revolutionize the flavor-coloring world. But with Squant-related proprietary disputes between paint companies tying up the courts for years, it could be decades before the fruit-flavored color wars are settled.
But it could be worse, considering the limited flavor choices our grandparents and great-grandparents had to deal with back when the entire world was in black-and-white.
Think about that the next time you encounter coconut or licorice.
BLUE FOOD: REVISITED
by Ducksoup
I just had my first taste of Pepsi Blue, and not my last. I'd say in this latest epic cola grudge match, Pepsi Blue and Vanilla Coke have gamely fought to a draw. But it did start me thinking about the recent proliferation of blue food in our grocery stores and carryouts.
Many years ago, George Carlin wondered aloud why there was no blue food. Who had all the blue food? Why were they keeping it from us? All the other colors were represented. But in those days, the rare occurence of blue food was purely an arbitrary thing. The flavor in question never really had anything to do with blue in a tangible sense. The only food that could come close to laying claim to blue as an official food color was the blueberry. But as Carlin noted, "Blue on the vine, purple on the plate."
Of course, Grape had already called dibs on Purple, and nobody disputed it. And most of the other colors were no-brainers; Orange obviously had sole possession of Orange from the get-go (though it allowed its close associate Tangerine to use Burnt Orange), and Lemon simply beat Banana to the punch for the rights to Yellow, leaving Banana to settle for Pale Yellow.
Lime, meanwhile, had a firm grip on Green, but only because no one else wanted it. After all, many consumers associated Green with mold. And Lime Jello, let's face it, is widely regarded as a sad joke. In fact, Green's stock dropped so low at one point that Lime was ultimately left with few other options and was all but forced to team up with Lemon in products such as 7-Up and Sprite just to keep up its mortgage payments.
But the biggest battle for color rights in the fruit-flavored world was over Red. In the eyes of many, Cherry had firmly staked its claim to the color. But many others sided with Strawberry. After years of legal deadlocks, the two sides made an somewhat uneasy compromise. Cherry and Strawberry would simply stay out of each other's way.
To this day, the two rarely co-exist in any multi-flavored medium. In most other cases (Starburst, for example), Strawberry agreed to relegate itself to Pink. The rest of the time, Cherry would grudgingly agree to be a Dark Red, even Maroon in some cases. (Once, Cherry even attempted to use Burgundy, but was forced to back off after Dr. Pepper threatened legal action.)
And then, there was Raspberry. The bastard stepchild of the red berry flavors.
Raspberry, with absolutely no legal or popular support on its side, was left out in the cold. It tried in vain to obtain the rights to Violet-Red, but was no match for Cranberry, which had a wealth of powerful Thanksgiving lobbyists on its side. For many years, Raspberry was a flavor without a color to call its own.
Then, in the late 1970s, the faithful support of a small cult of Raspberry enthusiasts grew at an astonishing rate to a groundswell of popular support to give the flavor its due. For years the fruit-flavored food industry had been thoroughly resistant to change, and the idea that flavors and colors must match in all circumstances went unchallenged. But in the landmark 1978 Supreme Court case of California v. Slush Puppie, the radical and unprecedented move was made to grant Raspberry use of the color Blue.
Needless to say, Blueberry was PISSED. But the unpopular flavor had no leg to stand on, especially after Boo Berry cereal ceased production. When it finally was granted an official color years later, it had to settle for Blue-Violet, and then only after Grape had agreed to ease up on its virtual stranglehold on the entire violet and near-violet realm of the spectrum.
Raspberry continues to thrive using Blue as its medium, and has since granted many others permission to use the color in limited release, the latest of course being the lucrative deal with Pepsi. Thus, store shelves are now seemingly overrun with blue products. Still, none of these have flavors that are inherently blue in nature. And so, in the hearts and minds of purists, there remains no 'true blue' food to this day.
Meanwhile, other color battles are still being waged. Strawberry's occasional use of Pink, for example, ran into a formidable challenge from Watermelon beginning in the early 1980s. But in recent years, Strawberry has inexplicably teamed up with Kiwi in order to hang on to Pink. Many consumers, myself included, regard this as a match made in hell. I would put it this way: If the primary fruit flavors were the Beatles, Strawberry would be John Lennon, making Kiwi its Yoko Ono. (Except that Kiwi has a better singing voice.)
[2010 P.S. I guess this means Acai is May Pang.]
Flavor experts agree that the discovery of the fourth primary color, Squant, in the early 1990s could revolutionize the flavor-coloring world. But with Squant-related proprietary disputes between paint companies tying up the courts for years, it could be decades before the fruit-flavored color wars are settled.
But it could be worse, considering the limited flavor choices our grandparents and great-grandparents had to deal with back when the entire world was in black-and-white.
Think about that the next time you encounter coconut or licorice.
Thursday, August 08, 2002
ROCK AND ROLLER COLA WARS, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE
by Ducksoup
After Shaggy's review of new soda flavors, I took it upon myself to see what would happen when all 4 were combined in various ways to see what hideous mutant creatures would come crawling up out of the flask.
Once I brought home 2 liters of each soda, my brother Snail and I had a soda-tasting session (like a wine-tasting session, only fizzy!), and in a short time, what started out as a calm, well-civilized flavor comparison turned into a no-holds-barred street brawl of carbonated chaos!
In full-blown OCD mode, we arranged the flavors in alphabetical order and drew up a round-robin tournament of two-at-a-time combinations. The schedule was as follows:
Round 1
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Mountain Dew Code Red
Pepsi Blue vs Vanilla Coke
Round 2
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Pepsi Blue
Mountain Dew Code Red vs Vanilla Coke
Round 3
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Vanilla Coke
Mountain Dew Code Red vs Pepsi Blue
Match #1: Red Fusion vs Code Red
The battle of the Reds. In the color department, it was a draw. As for flavor, it was a split decision. Snail agreed with the Doc's prognosis, I did the Dew.
Winner: draw
Match #2: Pepsi Blue vs Vanilla Coke
The heavyweight grudge match. Blue held its own in the color battle, resulting in an intriguing dark green. The Vanilla got off to a strong start, and in Snail's view held off a late charge by Blue. In my view, Blue had too much for Vanilla in the end, especially in aftertaste.
Winner: draw
Match #3: Red Fusion vs Pepsi Blue
The color was an excellent deep purple with just a hint of grey, but overall leaning toward the Blue. And the color didn't lie. Red Fusion's lack of publicity left us wondering just what was going on there in terms of flavor, resulting in a rout.
Winner: Pepsi Blue
Match #4: Code Red vs Vanilla Coke
Nice maroon color, very warm and inviting. But once again, Vanilla started out strong and never looked back. Code Red's light fruitiness was no match for the Vanilla juggernaut.
Winner: Vanilla Coke
Match #5: Red Fusion vs Vanilla Coke
Deeper color than in Match #4, ended up a deep burgundy, much like the traditional Doc can (or Brandie's posts on the old Shagout). And again, the color would prove to be prophetic. Regular Doc has always had a vanilla presence, so here Coke ended up playing to one of Doc's strengths. As Snail put it, "It's like Dr. Pepper plays in a northern climate. 'The frozen tundra of Dr. Pepper Stadium!' Coke is throwing those long Vanilla bombs, but Dr. Pepper keeps intercepting them!" Doc's home-field advantage leads to an upset special.
Winner: Red Fusion
Match #6: Code Red vs Pepsi Blue
Here I was anticipating the best color, but CR is lighter than RF, so here the resulting purple was lighter and greyer, more like grape Kool-aid. A disappointment. As for flavor, Code Red was again too light and no match for the ever-dominant Blue. In this match, it was obvious to all why Mountain Dew has always been Pepsi's bitch.
Winner: Pepsi Blue
So in the round robin, Pepsi Blue came out ahead with a 2-0-1 record, thanks in large part to Red Fusion's upset win over Vanilla Coke. Those two wound up 1-1-1, with Code Red bringing up the rear at 0-2-1.
But we weren't finished yet! It was now time for the big finale, a 4-way slugfest.
LLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!
In the color battle, Blue was ganged up on by the other three. It took all three of the others to cancel out Blue's blue. A similar thing happened in the flavor department, as Blue and the two Reds had to team up to subdue Coke's 800-pound Vanilla gorilla. Eventually, however, we were left with a shocking and stunning result:
Winners: Red Fusion and Code Red
The two world cola superpowers, Pepsi and Coke, were so intent on beating the crap out of each other that they failed to notice, over in the corner, the two underrated, upstart Reds teaming up in an obvious communist plot to topple the two capitalist heavyweights. The Red Menace emerged victorious! The streets ran blue and caramel-color with the blood of the non-believers!
Makes you think.
by Ducksoup
After Shaggy's review of new soda flavors, I took it upon myself to see what would happen when all 4 were combined in various ways to see what hideous mutant creatures would come crawling up out of the flask.
Once I brought home 2 liters of each soda, my brother Snail and I had a soda-tasting session (like a wine-tasting session, only fizzy!), and in a short time, what started out as a calm, well-civilized flavor comparison turned into a no-holds-barred street brawl of carbonated chaos!
In full-blown OCD mode, we arranged the flavors in alphabetical order and drew up a round-robin tournament of two-at-a-time combinations. The schedule was as follows:
Round 1
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Mountain Dew Code Red
Pepsi Blue vs Vanilla Coke
Round 2
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Pepsi Blue
Mountain Dew Code Red vs Vanilla Coke
Round 3
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Vanilla Coke
Mountain Dew Code Red vs Pepsi Blue
Match #1: Red Fusion vs Code Red
The battle of the Reds. In the color department, it was a draw. As for flavor, it was a split decision. Snail agreed with the Doc's prognosis, I did the Dew.
Winner: draw
Match #2: Pepsi Blue vs Vanilla Coke
The heavyweight grudge match. Blue held its own in the color battle, resulting in an intriguing dark green. The Vanilla got off to a strong start, and in Snail's view held off a late charge by Blue. In my view, Blue had too much for Vanilla in the end, especially in aftertaste.
Winner: draw
Match #3: Red Fusion vs Pepsi Blue
The color was an excellent deep purple with just a hint of grey, but overall leaning toward the Blue. And the color didn't lie. Red Fusion's lack of publicity left us wondering just what was going on there in terms of flavor, resulting in a rout.
Winner: Pepsi Blue
Match #4: Code Red vs Vanilla Coke
Nice maroon color, very warm and inviting. But once again, Vanilla started out strong and never looked back. Code Red's light fruitiness was no match for the Vanilla juggernaut.
Winner: Vanilla Coke
Match #5: Red Fusion vs Vanilla Coke
Deeper color than in Match #4, ended up a deep burgundy, much like the traditional Doc can (or Brandie's posts on the old Shagout). And again, the color would prove to be prophetic. Regular Doc has always had a vanilla presence, so here Coke ended up playing to one of Doc's strengths. As Snail put it, "It's like Dr. Pepper plays in a northern climate. 'The frozen tundra of Dr. Pepper Stadium!' Coke is throwing those long Vanilla bombs, but Dr. Pepper keeps intercepting them!" Doc's home-field advantage leads to an upset special.
Winner: Red Fusion
Match #6: Code Red vs Pepsi Blue
Here I was anticipating the best color, but CR is lighter than RF, so here the resulting purple was lighter and greyer, more like grape Kool-aid. A disappointment. As for flavor, Code Red was again too light and no match for the ever-dominant Blue. In this match, it was obvious to all why Mountain Dew has always been Pepsi's bitch.
Winner: Pepsi Blue
So in the round robin, Pepsi Blue came out ahead with a 2-0-1 record, thanks in large part to Red Fusion's upset win over Vanilla Coke. Those two wound up 1-1-1, with Code Red bringing up the rear at 0-2-1.
But we weren't finished yet! It was now time for the big finale, a 4-way slugfest.
LLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!
In the color battle, Blue was ganged up on by the other three. It took all three of the others to cancel out Blue's blue. A similar thing happened in the flavor department, as Blue and the two Reds had to team up to subdue Coke's 800-pound Vanilla gorilla. Eventually, however, we were left with a shocking and stunning result:
Winners: Red Fusion and Code Red
The two world cola superpowers, Pepsi and Coke, were so intent on beating the crap out of each other that they failed to notice, over in the corner, the two underrated, upstart Reds teaming up in an obvious communist plot to topple the two capitalist heavyweights. The Red Menace emerged victorious! The streets ran blue and caramel-color with the blood of the non-believers!
Makes you think.
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
I see that several advertisers are choosing not to run ads September 11. Whatever. Let's go to the scoreboard...
Pepsi will not run ads September 11. Score a win for the terrorists.
Budweiser will not run ads September 11. Score another win for the terrorists.
Dell will not run ads September 11. Hey, that means 24 hours with no "Dell Dude". Score a win for EVERYBODY!
Hey Dell, why don't you stop running your ads altogether while you're at it?
And what's with this stupid phrase, "the first anniversary of September 11"? For as long as I can remember, there's been a September 11 every year. If I can find any old calendars lying around, I'll bet dollars to donuts none of them ever skipped from the 10th to the 12th. Now I don't want to go off on a rant here, but it seems to me if you idiots really wanted to pay tribute to the dead, you'd go on with business as usual. That's what I'll be doing that day. How weird will that be? Yours truly, the most anti-American person you're likely to run across, will be doing the most pro-American thing possible that day. Now that's fucking strange! But as anti-American as I am, I'm also anti-terrorist, so you won't see me allowing my daily routine to be disrupted by a bunch of plane-hijacking clayheads. But hey, you loser Yanks do whatever you want.
And why do I get the feeling that lots of workplaces will be scheduling "minutes of silence" on 9/11? If you've got any brains, you'll do like me and keep right on working through it. A minute of silence serves no practical purpose. It won't bring anyone back from the dead. Trust me, I know. I took time off work when my brother died, and when my mom died, and I left work as soon as I heard about Earnhardt. Didn't bring any of them back.
I am now, always have been, and always will be, my own country. So don't ever mistake me for an American or I'll be pissed. But I can tell you this, if I were an American, I'd do like Steve Dahl said: I'd go to Ground Zero on 9/11 and hold a groundbreaking ceremony to start construction on putting those towers back up exactly like they were. (Well, okay, not exactly. I think I'd improve the fireproofing this time around.) When pseudo-President Bush shows up there that morning, I'd hand him a shovel. "Here, you lazy fuck. If you're not gonna be in the office today, you might as well make yourself useful. Now start digging, you fucking retard!"
Pepsi will not run ads September 11. Score a win for the terrorists.
Budweiser will not run ads September 11. Score another win for the terrorists.
Dell will not run ads September 11. Hey, that means 24 hours with no "Dell Dude". Score a win for EVERYBODY!
Hey Dell, why don't you stop running your ads altogether while you're at it?
And what's with this stupid phrase, "the first anniversary of September 11"? For as long as I can remember, there's been a September 11 every year. If I can find any old calendars lying around, I'll bet dollars to donuts none of them ever skipped from the 10th to the 12th. Now I don't want to go off on a rant here, but it seems to me if you idiots really wanted to pay tribute to the dead, you'd go on with business as usual. That's what I'll be doing that day. How weird will that be? Yours truly, the most anti-American person you're likely to run across, will be doing the most pro-American thing possible that day. Now that's fucking strange! But as anti-American as I am, I'm also anti-terrorist, so you won't see me allowing my daily routine to be disrupted by a bunch of plane-hijacking clayheads. But hey, you loser Yanks do whatever you want.
And why do I get the feeling that lots of workplaces will be scheduling "minutes of silence" on 9/11? If you've got any brains, you'll do like me and keep right on working through it. A minute of silence serves no practical purpose. It won't bring anyone back from the dead. Trust me, I know. I took time off work when my brother died, and when my mom died, and I left work as soon as I heard about Earnhardt. Didn't bring any of them back.
I am now, always have been, and always will be, my own country. So don't ever mistake me for an American or I'll be pissed. But I can tell you this, if I were an American, I'd do like Steve Dahl said: I'd go to Ground Zero on 9/11 and hold a groundbreaking ceremony to start construction on putting those towers back up exactly like they were. (Well, okay, not exactly. I think I'd improve the fireproofing this time around.) When pseudo-President Bush shows up there that morning, I'd hand him a shovel. "Here, you lazy fuck. If you're not gonna be in the office today, you might as well make yourself useful. Now start digging, you fucking retard!"
Monday, August 05, 2002
Recently I got some CDs to listen to at work when I run out of Steve Dahl. (BTW, click on Dahl Archives on the left, then Friday, and go about 4 hours 23 minutes in to hear the latest phone recording from the Bijou Theatre in Chicago. It's fabulous!) One of the CDs is an Uriah Heep anthology, and I didn't notice the title of Track #9 (Number 9...number 9...) until I actually heard it today: "July Morning".
Now those of you who are up on things know that Uriah Heep was one of THE favorite bands of my brother Louis, who died two years ago...on a JULY MORNING!
"Bom bom BOMMMMMMMMMM!!!"
Louie, you old son-of-a-bitch! You got me again! You left behind a post-mortem easter egg! Good one.
I hope when I die I leave behind lots of neat little easter eggs like that. Actually I think a lot of them are hidden out there somewhere already. And if you're lucky and you pay attention to all the clues, perhaps some of you will find a few of them.
Now those of you who are up on things know that Uriah Heep was one of THE favorite bands of my brother Louis, who died two years ago...on a JULY MORNING!
"Bom bom BOMMMMMMMMMM!!!"
Louie, you old son-of-a-bitch! You got me again! You left behind a post-mortem easter egg! Good one.
I hope when I die I leave behind lots of neat little easter eggs like that. Actually I think a lot of them are hidden out there somewhere already. And if you're lucky and you pay attention to all the clues, perhaps some of you will find a few of them.
Friday, August 02, 2002
OH NO, IT'S ANOTHER PLASTIC HATCHBACK!
Thursday's Steve Dahl Show features an excellent example of the "Acid Flashback" effect that we tried on the PriBax show with lackluster results.
So to hear it done the right way, click on Dahl Archives on the left, click on Thursday, and go about 2 hours, 26 minutes in.
Also today, we debut a new semi-regular feature here in The Pond...
"GREAT MYSTERIES OF ROCK AND ROLL"
Installment #1
We've all heard The Who singing "I can see for miles and miles..." but have you ever stopped to consider this:
1) The Who are British; and B) The British use the Metric system.
Therefore, shouldn't the lyrics be "I can see for kilometers and kilometers..."?
Think about it.
This has been Installment #1 of "Great Mysteries Of Rock And Roll". I'm Pablo Harvey...buenos dias!
Thursday's Steve Dahl Show features an excellent example of the "Acid Flashback" effect that we tried on the PriBax show with lackluster results.
So to hear it done the right way, click on Dahl Archives on the left, click on Thursday, and go about 2 hours, 26 minutes in.
Also today, we debut a new semi-regular feature here in The Pond...
"GREAT MYSTERIES OF ROCK AND ROLL"
Installment #1
We've all heard The Who singing "I can see for miles and miles..." but have you ever stopped to consider this:
1) The Who are British; and B) The British use the Metric system.
Therefore, shouldn't the lyrics be "I can see for kilometers and kilometers..."?
Think about it.
This has been Installment #1 of "Great Mysteries Of Rock And Roll". I'm Pablo Harvey...buenos dias!
Thursday, August 01, 2002
Today, my take on the "50 Worst Shows". Strap yourselves in, here we go. (Or as Ed Silha would say, "SEATBELTS!")
Of course, the folks at TVG have their heads up their asses as usual. You'll recall they left THE greatest show in TV history, "ALF", off the "Best Shows" list.
And now, for the "Worst" list they leave out Gross-anne The Garbage Barge...well, at least they're consistent. Perhaps they couldn't decide which was worse, her crappy sitcom or her crappy talk show.
Anyhoo, allow me to fully dissect the list, one by one...
1. The Jerry Springer Show
This seems to me to encompass the entire trash talk genre. (Certainly they could have included several others if this had been a "100 Worst" list. Why only 50? Budget cuts?) So, if you're going to single out the worst show of the genre, this pick makes sense, though personally I would include Gross-And Large as part of this genre.
2. My Mother the Car
Alright, put the brakes on (and pardon the pun). This is a predictable choice, but still I must protest. This show belongs in the 'so bad it's good' category, sort of like "Rocky Horror" or "Killer Tomatoes" as movies go. Besides, as Shaggy points out, "Knight Rider" used the same premise and you don't see that listed.
3. XFL
No argument here. I'd rather watch the NFL, and that's saying something!
4. The Brady Bunch Hour
No argument here either, but why leave out the original "Brady Bunch"? While we're at it, where's all the other crap Sherwood Schwartz was responsible for? Where's "Gilligan's Island"? (For that matter, where's the cheap Gilligan ripoff, "Dusty's Trail"?)
5. Hogan's Heroes
Now this is the one that stirs most of the debate, and I can understand both sides of the argument. Shag makes a good point about wacky Germans, but first and foremost you have to admire the balls it took to even attempt the premise of a comedy about Nazis. Then again, this is not without precedent; the Nazis have made many notable and lasting contributions to the history of comedy: Mel Brooks' "The Producers", Spike Jones' "Der Fuehrer's Face", the British sitcom "Heil Honey I'm Home" (think Hitler and Eva Braun in place of Lucy and Desi), Jerry Lewis' "The Day The Clown Cried", Charlie Manson's forehead, and, of course, the Volkswagen Beetle. And compared to those, "HH" pales, mostly because, let's face it, it was rather poorly executed. Sorry. I call them as I see them.
6. Celebrity Boxing
It's really just a ripoff of "Celebrity Deathmatch", and a bad one at that, so no argument here.
7. AfterMASH
Frankly, I think the title alone doomed this show from the start.
8. Cop Rock
Just as Springer takes the fall for trash talk, we'll let this one represent all the crap from Steven Bochco, narrowly edging out "Doogie Howser". After he was rightfully criticized for the far-fetched premise of "Doogie", Bochco responded with a thoroughly uncalled for dismissal of "ALF" as "a hand-puppet from Mars". Then the asshole puts out "Cop Rock". Hard to get much stupider than that shithead Bochco.
9. You're in the Picture
Never heard of it.
10. Hee Haw Honeys
Why list this without also listing "Hee Haw"? Damn budget cuts again.
11. The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer
Never heard of it.
12. Hello, Larry
Once again, one show takes the fall for a whole genre. In this case, it's the incredible string of bad sitcoms McLean Stevenson headlined after leaving "M*A*S*H". But this was actually the best of that lot and lasted the longest. I can't even name any of the others.
13. Twenty-One
Which incarnation? They probably mean the original, but I'd go with the Maury Povich version.
14. Baby Bob
Agreed. Babies and animals talking via computer-assisted mouth movements give me the creeps. (And commercials that use that "Matrix"-type suspended-in-air special effects give me a nasty headache. And I'll bet they induce seizures in some cases.)
15. Manimal
Some would put this in the "so bad it's good" category. I don't.
16. The Chevy Chase Show
Agreed. Just the fact that he never donned any makeup to imitate Gerald Ford on SNL suggests he must really be a dick.
17. Casablanca
If it was what the title suggests, then I agree.
18. The Ugliest Girl in Town
Never heard of it. Unless they mean the aforementioned Garbage Barge.
19. The P.T.L. Club
Takes the fall for religious shows, so I agree, with a big BUT: If they're gonna list this show, they should also list "The Jim J. And Tammy Faye Show".
20. The Pruitts of Southampton
Never heard of it.
21. Baywatch
Agreed. Also agree with Shag on the spinoff. Much of the blame for this show popularity lies with those wacky Germans, too.
22. The Powers of Matthew Star
Only vaguely recall it. Must be taking the fall for shows like "Shazam" and "Misfits Of Science". Whatever.
23. Sammy and Company
Never heard of it.
24. One of the Boys
Never heard of the show. The Steve Dahl song of the same title is good.
25. Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?
And this one takes the fall for all the crappy reality game shows.
26. Life With Lucy
I actually remember this one. Thank you for your sympathy.
27. Turn-On
I think it was a "Laugh-In" ripoff. I also think it was cancelled DURING it's premiere. Whoa.
28. Supertrain
Takes the fall for all of Fred Silverman's mistakes.
29. Howard Stern
Never forget, all of Stern's success over the years should really have been Steve Dahl's.
30. Unhappily Ever After
Personally, I think the show it ripped off, "Married With Children", was even worse.
31. Homeboys in Outer Space
Takes the fall for the entire UPN network. Was really a ripoff of "Red Dwarf" if you think about it.
32. Co-ed Fever
Never heard of it.
33. Holmes and Yoyo
Never heard of it. But you should have seen the original idea, "Holmes and Yoko". Yikes.
34. Alexander the Great
Never heard of it.
35. Pink Lady... And Jeff
Oh my lack of god, the horror, the horror. For those of you too young to remember it, the typed word alone cannot describe the horror. Ask me about it sometime, IF YOU DARE!
36. The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo
Another fall-taker, sparing the likes of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and "Enos".
37. Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell
Hey! I liked this one. Then again, I did have a rather troubled childhood.
38. Hell Town
Never heard of it. Gee, you'd think someone would have told us they did a show about Jackson, Michigan.
39. Still the Beaver
Bad idea for a show. But a good band name.
40. Makin' It
This one can take the fall for the entire second half of the 70's.
41. The Tom Green Show
Now hold on just an udder-sucking minute! I liked this show. My mom, incredibly, liked this show! And I loved the movie...and screw you. It's a shame the show was done in by its own success. Much like "The Osbournes" will be.
42. The Flying Nun
Horrible. But not as bad as the failed spinoff, "The Groping Pope".
43. Woops!
Never heard of it.
44. She's the Sheriff
TV producers, please make a mental note: Suzanne Somers = crappy show.
45. A.K.A. Pablo
Ripoff of "Chico And The Man". The only thing worse than a show that rips off another show is one that takes 10+ years to do so.
46. Me and the Chimp
Why not "BJ And The Bear"? Oh, right, #36 covered that.
47. Rango
Never heard of it.
48. Bless This House
Never heard of it.
49. The Ropers
Heard of it. Unfortunately. Let this one take the fall for every worse spinoff of a bad show.
50. Barney & Friends
And one more fall-taker, this one for the likes of the "Teletubbies". At least the Teletubbies get big ratings from potheads. Which reminds me, why no "Scooby-Doo" on this list? Really, we should take up a collection so TVG can afford to redo this as a "100 Worst" list.
Of course, the folks at TVG have their heads up their asses as usual. You'll recall they left THE greatest show in TV history, "ALF", off the "Best Shows" list.
And now, for the "Worst" list they leave out Gross-anne The Garbage Barge...well, at least they're consistent. Perhaps they couldn't decide which was worse, her crappy sitcom or her crappy talk show.
Anyhoo, allow me to fully dissect the list, one by one...
1. The Jerry Springer Show
This seems to me to encompass the entire trash talk genre. (Certainly they could have included several others if this had been a "100 Worst" list. Why only 50? Budget cuts?) So, if you're going to single out the worst show of the genre, this pick makes sense, though personally I would include Gross-And Large as part of this genre.
2. My Mother the Car
Alright, put the brakes on (and pardon the pun). This is a predictable choice, but still I must protest. This show belongs in the 'so bad it's good' category, sort of like "Rocky Horror" or "Killer Tomatoes" as movies go. Besides, as Shaggy points out, "Knight Rider" used the same premise and you don't see that listed.
3. XFL
No argument here. I'd rather watch the NFL, and that's saying something!
4. The Brady Bunch Hour
No argument here either, but why leave out the original "Brady Bunch"? While we're at it, where's all the other crap Sherwood Schwartz was responsible for? Where's "Gilligan's Island"? (For that matter, where's the cheap Gilligan ripoff, "Dusty's Trail"?)
5. Hogan's Heroes
Now this is the one that stirs most of the debate, and I can understand both sides of the argument. Shag makes a good point about wacky Germans, but first and foremost you have to admire the balls it took to even attempt the premise of a comedy about Nazis. Then again, this is not without precedent; the Nazis have made many notable and lasting contributions to the history of comedy: Mel Brooks' "The Producers", Spike Jones' "Der Fuehrer's Face", the British sitcom "Heil Honey I'm Home" (think Hitler and Eva Braun in place of Lucy and Desi), Jerry Lewis' "The Day The Clown Cried", Charlie Manson's forehead, and, of course, the Volkswagen Beetle. And compared to those, "HH" pales, mostly because, let's face it, it was rather poorly executed. Sorry. I call them as I see them.
6. Celebrity Boxing
It's really just a ripoff of "Celebrity Deathmatch", and a bad one at that, so no argument here.
7. AfterMASH
Frankly, I think the title alone doomed this show from the start.
8. Cop Rock
Just as Springer takes the fall for trash talk, we'll let this one represent all the crap from Steven Bochco, narrowly edging out "Doogie Howser". After he was rightfully criticized for the far-fetched premise of "Doogie", Bochco responded with a thoroughly uncalled for dismissal of "ALF" as "a hand-puppet from Mars". Then the asshole puts out "Cop Rock". Hard to get much stupider than that shithead Bochco.
9. You're in the Picture
Never heard of it.
10. Hee Haw Honeys
Why list this without also listing "Hee Haw"? Damn budget cuts again.
11. The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer
Never heard of it.
12. Hello, Larry
Once again, one show takes the fall for a whole genre. In this case, it's the incredible string of bad sitcoms McLean Stevenson headlined after leaving "M*A*S*H". But this was actually the best of that lot and lasted the longest. I can't even name any of the others.
13. Twenty-One
Which incarnation? They probably mean the original, but I'd go with the Maury Povich version.
14. Baby Bob
Agreed. Babies and animals talking via computer-assisted mouth movements give me the creeps. (And commercials that use that "Matrix"-type suspended-in-air special effects give me a nasty headache. And I'll bet they induce seizures in some cases.)
15. Manimal
Some would put this in the "so bad it's good" category. I don't.
16. The Chevy Chase Show
Agreed. Just the fact that he never donned any makeup to imitate Gerald Ford on SNL suggests he must really be a dick.
17. Casablanca
If it was what the title suggests, then I agree.
18. The Ugliest Girl in Town
Never heard of it. Unless they mean the aforementioned Garbage Barge.
19. The P.T.L. Club
Takes the fall for religious shows, so I agree, with a big BUT: If they're gonna list this show, they should also list "The Jim J. And Tammy Faye Show".
20. The Pruitts of Southampton
Never heard of it.
21. Baywatch
Agreed. Also agree with Shag on the spinoff. Much of the blame for this show popularity lies with those wacky Germans, too.
22. The Powers of Matthew Star
Only vaguely recall it. Must be taking the fall for shows like "Shazam" and "Misfits Of Science". Whatever.
23. Sammy and Company
Never heard of it.
24. One of the Boys
Never heard of the show. The Steve Dahl song of the same title is good.
25. Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?
And this one takes the fall for all the crappy reality game shows.
26. Life With Lucy
I actually remember this one. Thank you for your sympathy.
27. Turn-On
I think it was a "Laugh-In" ripoff. I also think it was cancelled DURING it's premiere. Whoa.
28. Supertrain
Takes the fall for all of Fred Silverman's mistakes.
29. Howard Stern
Never forget, all of Stern's success over the years should really have been Steve Dahl's.
30. Unhappily Ever After
Personally, I think the show it ripped off, "Married With Children", was even worse.
31. Homeboys in Outer Space
Takes the fall for the entire UPN network. Was really a ripoff of "Red Dwarf" if you think about it.
32. Co-ed Fever
Never heard of it.
33. Holmes and Yoyo
Never heard of it. But you should have seen the original idea, "Holmes and Yoko". Yikes.
34. Alexander the Great
Never heard of it.
35. Pink Lady... And Jeff
Oh my lack of god, the horror, the horror. For those of you too young to remember it, the typed word alone cannot describe the horror. Ask me about it sometime, IF YOU DARE!
36. The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo
Another fall-taker, sparing the likes of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and "Enos".
37. Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell
Hey! I liked this one. Then again, I did have a rather troubled childhood.
38. Hell Town
Never heard of it. Gee, you'd think someone would have told us they did a show about Jackson, Michigan.
39. Still the Beaver
Bad idea for a show. But a good band name.
40. Makin' It
This one can take the fall for the entire second half of the 70's.
41. The Tom Green Show
Now hold on just an udder-sucking minute! I liked this show. My mom, incredibly, liked this show! And I loved the movie...and screw you. It's a shame the show was done in by its own success. Much like "The Osbournes" will be.
42. The Flying Nun
Horrible. But not as bad as the failed spinoff, "The Groping Pope".
43. Woops!
Never heard of it.
44. She's the Sheriff
TV producers, please make a mental note: Suzanne Somers = crappy show.
45. A.K.A. Pablo
Ripoff of "Chico And The Man". The only thing worse than a show that rips off another show is one that takes 10+ years to do so.
46. Me and the Chimp
Why not "BJ And The Bear"? Oh, right, #36 covered that.
47. Rango
Never heard of it.
48. Bless This House
Never heard of it.
49. The Ropers
Heard of it. Unfortunately. Let this one take the fall for every worse spinoff of a bad show.
50. Barney & Friends
And one more fall-taker, this one for the likes of the "Teletubbies". At least the Teletubbies get big ratings from potheads. Which reminds me, why no "Scooby-Doo" on this list? Really, we should take up a collection so TVG can afford to redo this as a "100 Worst" list.
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