[Ducksoup's note: The following is from Taco's site, and I wanted to make sure you all saw it because it's fucking hilarious. But I'm posting it as is so no 5 bucks for typos. And why do I get the feeling you're all going to start referring to me by a new nickname?]

A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MARIO
By Taco and Livestock

Mario opened his eyes. It was a brand new day and it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! He instantly put on his brightest pair of red overalls and his special mario party underwear and combed the blood out of his mustache. He suspected all his friends in the magic kingdom or whatever gay shit name wherever he lives has were planning a surprise party, but he had no evidence to back it up. He decided he would play coy and wait for the important phone call inviting him to the party.

Suddenly, he heard a crash! He turned towards the source of the crash and saw a brick come crashing through his crashed window! CRASH! Mario looked out the window, but saw nobody! There was a note tied to the brick... it said, 'This is a brick!'

Furious, Mario took the brick into his basement where he busted it to pieces with a hammer he procured from a dead turtle. The brick crumbled into pieces, and he ate the pieces. Later his revenge was complete when he blew up a hat factory that was next to a brick factory. The fire spread to the brick factory and the brick factory fell over and landed on a man holding a brick. Police traced the arson back to Mario, and a swat team stormed his house arresting him. He was dragged to prison, where his special party underwear was broken in.

Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new dayand it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario tried to climb out of bed, but immense pain and bed sores prevented him from doing so. He was lying in a week's worth of urine and a month worth's of spaghetti. Also, he had no arms or legs due to a freak accident with a toaster and a cute puppy and a nuclear reactor.

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. It's a forklift and a crew ready to move Mario to the party. Only Mario can't open the door, so they wait ten minutes and then leave.

Mario lives on a steady supply of wet cat food and stupid cunt. Now the tense changes back to the past.

The phone rang in violent thunderings of "ring, ring." Mario leaned over to reach the screaming phone, but rolled out of bed and landed on the floor, crashing through it into an S&M dungeon below his house.

There was an S&M Dog there. "Hi," said the S&M Dog, "I'm Doug the S&M Dog."

Mario decided it was time to get in shape. He began his diet by not eating the S&M Dog. Doug the S&M Dog helped him get in shape by putting him in a box and hitting him over and over again with a stick. This only made Mario depressed.

Mario tried to hang himself using a noose made out of hotdog links. The cold, fleshy texture of the hotdogs reminded him of Italy, where he once made love to a vacationing Persian boy. Mario remembered the sweet memories. The memories smelled like orange juice. Then his neck snapped and he died instantly.

Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new dayand it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario opened his top drawer, pulled out his gun, and shot himself in the head three times.

Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new day and it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario climbed out of bed and ate a shitload of magic mushrooms. He got so high he took off all his clothes and went out in his front yard, where a raccoon raped and murdered him.

Mario lay bleeding in his front yard for six hours until his friends who had arrived to give him a surprise birthday party discovered him. They raped his corpse and threw it into the ocean, but only after pissing on Mario and writing "CUNT BURGER BOATPEOPLE" on his forehead in cunt-colored marker. It was the best surprise party anyone had ever thrown for Mario.

Mario lay in the bottom of the ocean for years, drifting vaguely to the west, until he happened to be crushed into the ocean floor by a sinking ship. Mario crunched through the rotted bottom of the ship. His corpse floated around the quarters and decks of the sunken vessel. There was a pirate skeleton and it raped him. The pirate skeleton was a pirate skeleton of honor, and so he wed Mario and they remained dead together for centuries.

One day Mario stopped being dead and floated to the surface to partake in his revenge upon his "friends" who had not given him a cake on his birthday His friends were long dead, which depressed Mario, so he committed suicide twice. He could not get revenge, and so he set about haunting a popular mailbox. He lived on love letters and mice. And every year on the day of his death, the mail disappears.

This has been the tale of the haunted mailbox haunted by the ghost of Mario who was killed several times in his sleep and ultimately killed for real followed closely by a two hundred year quest to rise from the depths of the ocean and get revenge. Now it is over. Goodbye!