UM, WHERE'S THE COMMENTS? THE VOTES? ANYONE? ANYONE? BUELLER?
Don't forget to scroll down and peruse the nominees for Best Post from Year 1 of The Pond. Meanwhile, got a new Pick To Click: My fellow peacenik and war tax resister (and almost-mayor of Toledo) Mike Ferner tipped me off to a guy named Mark Morford who writes for SFGate.com. Below is just a sample of his work. For more, the link's over by there.--->
***
President John F. Kennedy had an affair with a 19-year-old intern who traveled with him on official trips, according to a new biography. "She had no skills. She could answer the phone," Robert Dallek, author of "An Unfinished Life," told "Dateline NBC". "Apparently, her only skill was to provide sexual release for JFK on those trips and maybe in the White House." Dallek learned of the affair from a White House aide, Barbara Gamarekian, whose oral history was recently unsealed. President Bush, who obtains sexual release from dry humping a mangy taxidermied colt named Binkers while snorting premium Peruvian blow through the hollow case of an ExxonMobile ballpoint pen, was visibly appalled and shaken at the news, unless that was just the lithium and Demerol, as was Dick Cheney, whose idea of sexual release is, of course, a dozen gin/Viagra Martinis and cranking the defibrillator on 10 and having Lynney stuff used nylons into every orifice and then coating his body with liver-flavored kibble and letting a swarm of rabid Chihuahuas in heat run all over his mounds of milky white cottage cheese while Lynney jumps on a trampoline and does a sloppy heavily Paxiled strip-tease and belts out 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' through a megaphone.
***
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
A FEW EXCERPTS FROM THIS WEEK'S NWOPC E-MAIL NEWSLETTER:
***
If the U.S. chooses to occupy other lands and set up puppet governments then the U.S. will encounter resistance. This is creating an ongoing world war that will last decades. Other countries in the area and around the world will seek to act to stop empire building. If you are going to build and maintain a world empire then it is reasonable that there will be opposition, that the U.S. military will be in constant battles around the world to maintain the empire, and that there will be attacks on U.S. soil. Certain actions will bring about certain reactions. This isn't that hard to understand.
***
According to the Canadian Web site Straightgoods.ca, the Bush administration (a) failed to protest when the Republican-controlled House Budget Committee voted to cut $25 billion in veterans benefits over the next 10 years; (b) proposed cutting $172 million from impact aid programs that provide school funding for children of military personnel; and (c) ordered the Department of Veterans Affairs to stop publicizing health benefits available to veterans.
But the guy looks great in a flight suit, doesn't he?
***
THE CHINA SYNDROME
By Paul Krugman
From NY Times Op-Ed, May 13, 2003
(MY OWN COMMENTS ARE INSERTED THUSLY.--DJP)
A funny thing happened during the Iraq war: many Americans turned to the BBC for their TV news. They were looking for an alternative point of view — something they couldn't find on domestic networks, which, in the words of the BBC's director general, "wrapped themselves in the American flag and substituted patriotism for impartiality." (HEY, SOUNDS LIKE CLEAR CHANNEL!--DJP)
Leave aside the rights and wrongs of the war itself, and consider the paradox. The BBC is owned by the British government, and one might have expected it to support that government's policies. In fact, however, it tried hard — too hard, its critics say — to stay impartial. America's TV (AND RADIO--DJP) networks are privately owned, yet they behaved like state-run media (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP).
What explains this paradox? It may have something to do with the China syndrome. No, not the one involving nuclear reactors — the one exhibited by Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation when dealing with the government of the People's Republic.
In the United States, Mr. Murdoch's media empire — which includes Fox News and The New York Post — is known for its flag-waving patriotism. But all that patriotism didn't stop him from, as a Fortune article put it, "pandering to China's repressive regime to get his programming into that vast market." The pandering included dropping the BBC's World Service — which reports news China's government doesn't want disseminated — from his satellite programming, and having his publishing company cancel the publication of a book critical of the Chinese regime.
Can something like that happen in this country? Of course it can. Through its policy decisions — especially, though not only, decisions involving media regulation — the U.S. government can reward media companies that please it (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP), punish those that don't. This gives private networks an incentive to curry favor with those in power. Yet because the networks aren't government-owned, they aren't subject to the kind of scrutiny faced by the BBC, which must take care not to seem like a tool of the ruling party. So we shouldn't be surprised if America's "independent" television (AND RADIO--DJP) is far more deferential to those in power than the state-run systems in Britain or — for another example — Israel.
A recent report by Stephen Labaton of The Times contained a nice illustration of the U.S. government's ability to reward media companies that do what it wants (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP). The issue was a proposal by Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, to relax regulations on media ownership. The proposal, formally presented yesterday, may be summarized as a plan to let the bigger fish (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP) eat more of the smaller fish. Big media companies will be allowed to have a larger share of the national market and own more TV stations in any given local market, and many restrictions on "cross-ownership" — owning radio stations, TV stations and newspapers in the same local market — will be lifted.
The plan's defects aside — it will further reduce the diversity of news available to most people — what struck me was the horse-trading involved. One media group wrote to Mr. Powell, dropping its opposition to part of his plan "in return for favorable commission action" on another matter. That was indiscreet, but you'd have to be very naive not to imagine that there are a lot of implicit quid pro quos out there.
And the implicit trading surely extends to news content. Imagine a TV news executive considering whether to run a major story that might damage the Bush administration — say, a follow-up on Senator Bob Graham's charge that a Congressional report on Sept. 11 has been kept classified because it would raise embarrassing questions about the administration's performance. Surely it would occur to that executive that the administration could punish any network running that story.
Meanwhile, both the formal rules and the codes of ethics that formerly prevented blatant partisanship are gone or ignored. Neil Cavuto of Fox News is an anchor, not a commentator. Yet after Baghdad's fall he told "those who opposed the liberation of Iraq" — a large minority — that "you were sickening then; you are sickening now." Fair and balanced.
We don't have censorship in this country; it's still possible to find different points of view. But we do have a system in which the major media companies (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP) have strong incentives to present the news in a way that pleases the party in power, and no incentive not to.
***
If the U.S. chooses to occupy other lands and set up puppet governments then the U.S. will encounter resistance. This is creating an ongoing world war that will last decades. Other countries in the area and around the world will seek to act to stop empire building. If you are going to build and maintain a world empire then it is reasonable that there will be opposition, that the U.S. military will be in constant battles around the world to maintain the empire, and that there will be attacks on U.S. soil. Certain actions will bring about certain reactions. This isn't that hard to understand.
***
According to the Canadian Web site Straightgoods.ca, the Bush administration (a) failed to protest when the Republican-controlled House Budget Committee voted to cut $25 billion in veterans benefits over the next 10 years; (b) proposed cutting $172 million from impact aid programs that provide school funding for children of military personnel; and (c) ordered the Department of Veterans Affairs to stop publicizing health benefits available to veterans.
But the guy looks great in a flight suit, doesn't he?
***
THE CHINA SYNDROME
By Paul Krugman
From NY Times Op-Ed, May 13, 2003
(MY OWN COMMENTS ARE INSERTED THUSLY.--DJP)
A funny thing happened during the Iraq war: many Americans turned to the BBC for their TV news. They were looking for an alternative point of view — something they couldn't find on domestic networks, which, in the words of the BBC's director general, "wrapped themselves in the American flag and substituted patriotism for impartiality." (HEY, SOUNDS LIKE CLEAR CHANNEL!--DJP)
Leave aside the rights and wrongs of the war itself, and consider the paradox. The BBC is owned by the British government, and one might have expected it to support that government's policies. In fact, however, it tried hard — too hard, its critics say — to stay impartial. America's TV (AND RADIO--DJP) networks are privately owned, yet they behaved like state-run media (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP).
What explains this paradox? It may have something to do with the China syndrome. No, not the one involving nuclear reactors — the one exhibited by Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation when dealing with the government of the People's Republic.
In the United States, Mr. Murdoch's media empire — which includes Fox News and The New York Post — is known for its flag-waving patriotism. But all that patriotism didn't stop him from, as a Fortune article put it, "pandering to China's repressive regime to get his programming into that vast market." The pandering included dropping the BBC's World Service — which reports news China's government doesn't want disseminated — from his satellite programming, and having his publishing company cancel the publication of a book critical of the Chinese regime.
Can something like that happen in this country? Of course it can. Through its policy decisions — especially, though not only, decisions involving media regulation — the U.S. government can reward media companies that please it (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP), punish those that don't. This gives private networks an incentive to curry favor with those in power. Yet because the networks aren't government-owned, they aren't subject to the kind of scrutiny faced by the BBC, which must take care not to seem like a tool of the ruling party. So we shouldn't be surprised if America's "independent" television (AND RADIO--DJP) is far more deferential to those in power than the state-run systems in Britain or — for another example — Israel.
A recent report by Stephen Labaton of The Times contained a nice illustration of the U.S. government's ability to reward media companies that do what it wants (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP). The issue was a proposal by Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, to relax regulations on media ownership. The proposal, formally presented yesterday, may be summarized as a plan to let the bigger fish (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP) eat more of the smaller fish. Big media companies will be allowed to have a larger share of the national market and own more TV stations in any given local market, and many restrictions on "cross-ownership" — owning radio stations, TV stations and newspapers in the same local market — will be lifted.
The plan's defects aside — it will further reduce the diversity of news available to most people — what struck me was the horse-trading involved. One media group wrote to Mr. Powell, dropping its opposition to part of his plan "in return for favorable commission action" on another matter. That was indiscreet, but you'd have to be very naive not to imagine that there are a lot of implicit quid pro quos out there.
And the implicit trading surely extends to news content. Imagine a TV news executive considering whether to run a major story that might damage the Bush administration — say, a follow-up on Senator Bob Graham's charge that a Congressional report on Sept. 11 has been kept classified because it would raise embarrassing questions about the administration's performance. Surely it would occur to that executive that the administration could punish any network running that story.
Meanwhile, both the formal rules and the codes of ethics that formerly prevented blatant partisanship are gone or ignored. Neil Cavuto of Fox News is an anchor, not a commentator. Yet after Baghdad's fall he told "those who opposed the liberation of Iraq" — a large minority — that "you were sickening then; you are sickening now." Fair and balanced.
We don't have censorship in this country; it's still possible to find different points of view. But we do have a system in which the major media companies (I.E. CLEAR CHANNEL--DJP) have strong incentives to present the news in a way that pleases the party in power, and no incentive not to.
Monday, May 12, 2003
OOPS. WE MISSED THE PARTY. OH WELL, THERE WAS NO CAKE ANYWAY.
Um, yeah. Silly me, I thought today was the one-year anniversary of The Duck Pond. But I checked the archives to make sure and, heh heh, turns out it was Saturday. My bad. (Hey, at least I knew it was May, the date started with a 1, and it was an even number. So give me SOME credit.)
So, to save face, let's just label this Duck Pond Anniversary Week! Wait, shit, can't do that. That would have been last week. Aw, fuck it, the week started Saturday, dammit. So there. Anyone got a problem with that? Blow me.
Anyhoo, stay tuned, sometime this week I'll give yas a chance to vote for the best post from the Pond's first year of operation.
Um, yeah. Silly me, I thought today was the one-year anniversary of The Duck Pond. But I checked the archives to make sure and, heh heh, turns out it was Saturday. My bad. (Hey, at least I knew it was May, the date started with a 1, and it was an even number. So give me SOME credit.)
So, to save face, let's just label this Duck Pond Anniversary Week! Wait, shit, can't do that. That would have been last week. Aw, fuck it, the week started Saturday, dammit. So there. Anyone got a problem with that? Blow me.
Anyhoo, stay tuned, sometime this week I'll give yas a chance to vote for the best post from the Pond's first year of operation.
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
Hey campers, just wanted to post a reminder about the upcoming lunar eclipse this Thursday night. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO
Hey campers, just wanted to post a reminder about the upcoming lunar eclipse this Thursday night. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO
Friday, May 02, 2003
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROY!
A posthumous birthday greeting goes out to the late great Roy Orbison, who would have turned 67 today.
Hey, my dad turns 67 today! Happy birthday, Dad!
Okay, so the secret's out: my dad is actually Roy Orbison's evil twin. Kinda hard for people to spot it, of course, since Dad never wears the dark glasses or the black wig.
Hey, today is Shirley Temple Black's birthday too...um, uh oh. Oh bloody hell, I don't even wanna know.
A posthumous birthday greeting goes out to the late great Roy Orbison, who would have turned 67 today.
Hey, my dad turns 67 today! Happy birthday, Dad!
Okay, so the secret's out: my dad is actually Roy Orbison's evil twin. Kinda hard for people to spot it, of course, since Dad never wears the dark glasses or the black wig.
Hey, today is Shirley Temple Black's birthday too...um, uh oh. Oh bloody hell, I don't even wanna know.
Saturday, April 19, 2003
Thursday, April 17, 2003
STEAL THIS BLOG
A couple more thots from the protest the other day...
Mind you, most of the response was positive, or at least polite. The few obnoxious assholes do tend to stick in one's memory, however, so let's address these cretins, shall we?
First off, you gotta love how the hawk types rarely stick around to debate. Their point is usually something well thought out like "You suck!" and then VROOM! Off they go. Hey, come back, let's discuss the issue. Nope, sorry, they gotta get home in time to watch WWE Smack-off.
A couple of my other faves:
"Losers!" Excuse me, you can't lose a war if you don't fight it in the first place. So I can't lose. Besides, in a war there are no winners. So who's the real loser here?
"Get a real job!" I have a real job, but it's third shift. When I'm helping promote peace, I usually do it in my spare time. Hey, we all need a hobby.
"Go home!" Thanks, but I already AM home. I'm right here, snug as a Doug in your rug, in my very own country. AKA: ME! I am my own country, in and of myself. These 290 pounds of bone and blood and meat are my country. And I cannot and will not ever be conquered, overthrown or annexed. Ah, home sweet home.
Then there was the drunken frat boy (go fig) who kept yelling "George Bush!" in much the same way one might yell "Go Marlins!" Yeesh. Guess it's the way CNN etc. cover the war as if it were a sporting event. "Here's Howie Long to analyze Iraq's secondary." Which pushover opponent is next? It's as if Ohio State's schedule this year was nothing but high school teams.
But the most disturbing comment I heard that day? "I support war!" Um, yeah. Look, even though I disagree either way, it's one thing to say you support the war, or a war, or this particular war. I hear that a lot. But you are achieving a whole new level of mental illness when you say you "support war". So, you mean, you like war in general, as a basic concept? Hmm, interesting. You might want to seek professional help, Bubba.
Anyhoo, whatever. So Napoleon drove Snowball off the farm. Whatever. Take a peek in the window of the farmhouse in a few weeks and get back to me.
As the Pearl Jam lyric says in the song "Bushleaguer", "Born on third, thinks he got a triple."
That's all for now. Peace, out!
A couple more thots from the protest the other day...
Mind you, most of the response was positive, or at least polite. The few obnoxious assholes do tend to stick in one's memory, however, so let's address these cretins, shall we?
First off, you gotta love how the hawk types rarely stick around to debate. Their point is usually something well thought out like "You suck!" and then VROOM! Off they go. Hey, come back, let's discuss the issue. Nope, sorry, they gotta get home in time to watch WWE Smack-off.
A couple of my other faves:
"Losers!" Excuse me, you can't lose a war if you don't fight it in the first place. So I can't lose. Besides, in a war there are no winners. So who's the real loser here?
"Get a real job!" I have a real job, but it's third shift. When I'm helping promote peace, I usually do it in my spare time. Hey, we all need a hobby.
"Go home!" Thanks, but I already AM home. I'm right here, snug as a Doug in your rug, in my very own country. AKA: ME! I am my own country, in and of myself. These 290 pounds of bone and blood and meat are my country. And I cannot and will not ever be conquered, overthrown or annexed. Ah, home sweet home.
Then there was the drunken frat boy (go fig) who kept yelling "George Bush!" in much the same way one might yell "Go Marlins!" Yeesh. Guess it's the way CNN etc. cover the war as if it were a sporting event. "Here's Howie Long to analyze Iraq's secondary." Which pushover opponent is next? It's as if Ohio State's schedule this year was nothing but high school teams.
But the most disturbing comment I heard that day? "I support war!" Um, yeah. Look, even though I disagree either way, it's one thing to say you support the war, or a war, or this particular war. I hear that a lot. But you are achieving a whole new level of mental illness when you say you "support war". So, you mean, you like war in general, as a basic concept? Hmm, interesting. You might want to seek professional help, Bubba.
Anyhoo, whatever. So Napoleon drove Snowball off the farm. Whatever. Take a peek in the window of the farmhouse in a few weeks and get back to me.
As the Pearl Jam lyric says in the song "Bushleaguer", "Born on third, thinks he got a triple."
That's all for now. Peace, out!
"I KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON, STUART! I KNOW IT'S THE QUEERS! THEY'RE IN IT WITH THE ALIENS! THEY'RE BUILDING LANDING STRIPS FOR GAY MARTIANS!"
Today's rather paranoid Pond entry is sponsored by SubShumDougWay: Eat fresh cat snatch. [jingle kicks in] "Cat snatch fever..."
Just a couple of thots in the wake of my taking part in a protest down at the main post office Tuesday, as a few of us, including Mike Ferner and myself, refused to pay our taxes...
The night before I dug out my Abbie Hoffman books for inspiration, maybe find a couple of relevant quotes in case I ended up on the local news. I never really did buy that bullshit about him committing suicide, did you? Trust me, the CIA knows how to hold a grudge. While I'm at it, it seems unlikely to me that Jerry Rubin getting hit by a car and killed was merely an accident. Mind you, I could go on to include John Lennon, M.L. King, etc., but I'm busy these days so I'll let you folks fill in the rest of the blanks.
Maybe next entry I'll have time to discuss the microchips implanted in our buttcheeks.
PS: A reminder: FRISBEE GOLF BECKONS!
Today's rather paranoid Pond entry is sponsored by SubShumDougWay: Eat fresh cat snatch. [jingle kicks in] "Cat snatch fever..."
Just a couple of thots in the wake of my taking part in a protest down at the main post office Tuesday, as a few of us, including Mike Ferner and myself, refused to pay our taxes...
The night before I dug out my Abbie Hoffman books for inspiration, maybe find a couple of relevant quotes in case I ended up on the local news. I never really did buy that bullshit about him committing suicide, did you? Trust me, the CIA knows how to hold a grudge. While I'm at it, it seems unlikely to me that Jerry Rubin getting hit by a car and killed was merely an accident. Mind you, I could go on to include John Lennon, M.L. King, etc., but I'm busy these days so I'll let you folks fill in the rest of the blanks.
Maybe next entry I'll have time to discuss the microchips implanted in our buttcheeks.
PS: A reminder: FRISBEE GOLF BECKONS!
Monday, April 14, 2003
*NOTE: Since I often go a long time between posts, I've taken steps to remedy the situation. Well, step. By now you've noticed (unless you read this thing bottom-to-top) the link above. Props to Lore and the Brunching Shuttlecocks for yet another stroke of genius. And now back to our regularly-skedded blog...
Today's Pond entry is sponsored by Subway: Eat fresh. And by Shumway: Eat cat. And by Dougway: Eat snatch.
SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER
Okay, so now what I can't figure out is why I used that song title instead of the song I'm about to quote? Whatever. It's the first really nice warm day this year, so let me hit you all with this yearly standard...
"Poisoning Pigeons In The Park"
by Tom Lehrer
Spring is here, spring is here, life is skittles and life is beer
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring, I do, don't you? Course you do!
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me, and makes every Sunday a treat for me
All the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning pigeons in the park
Every Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison the pigeons in the park
When they see us coming the birdies all try and hide, but they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide
The sun's shining bright, everything seems alright when we're poisoning pigeons in the park
We've gained notoriety and caused much anxiety in the Audubon Society with our games
They call it impiety and lack of propriety and quite a variety of unpleasant names
But it's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon
So if Sunday you're free why don't you come with me and we'll poison the pigeons in the park
And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two while we're poisoning pigeons in the park
We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment, except for the few we take home to experiment
My pulse will be quickenin' with each drop of stricnine we feed to a pigeon
it just takes a smidgeon to poison a pigeon in the park!
Today's Pond entry is sponsored by Subway: Eat fresh. And by Shumway: Eat cat. And by Dougway: Eat snatch.
SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER
Okay, so now what I can't figure out is why I used that song title instead of the song I'm about to quote? Whatever. It's the first really nice warm day this year, so let me hit you all with this yearly standard...
"Poisoning Pigeons In The Park"
by Tom Lehrer
Spring is here, spring is here, life is skittles and life is beer
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring, I do, don't you? Course you do!
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me, and makes every Sunday a treat for me
All the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning pigeons in the park
Every Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison the pigeons in the park
When they see us coming the birdies all try and hide, but they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide
The sun's shining bright, everything seems alright when we're poisoning pigeons in the park
We've gained notoriety and caused much anxiety in the Audubon Society with our games
They call it impiety and lack of propriety and quite a variety of unpleasant names
But it's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon
So if Sunday you're free why don't you come with me and we'll poison the pigeons in the park
And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two while we're poisoning pigeons in the park
We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment, except for the few we take home to experiment
My pulse will be quickenin' with each drop of stricnine we feed to a pigeon
it just takes a smidgeon to poison a pigeon in the park!
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
THE ROAD TO JUSTICE (AND THE ALF CUP) IS TWISTED
THE SHIELD lived up to the hype and the preseason forecast by soundly winning the 2003 ALF Cup Final last night against 4-time and defending champ This Hour Has 22 Minutes.
22M stumbled in a manner similar to 3 years ago when they rolled over and played dead with a clip show against Twin Peaks. This time, the clips all tied in with the doings in Iraq, and there were plenty of top-notch anti-Yank zingers, but a clip show is a clip show, and not a good strategy to employ in an ALF Cup Final.
The Shield, meanwhile, stayed right on the schedule that made them the season-long pick to win it all, posting up with an excellent season finale. As soon as it was announced last fall that the 2nd season would wrap up during the week of the Final, Vic and company were a virtual lock to take home the trophy.
"I'm a different kind of cop."
Still, a bit of luck was involved along the way. Sometimes, it's not who wins, but who loses (and when). 22M got to the Final by virtue of a semifinal win over a subpar ep of South Park, which got to the semis by virtue of a win over Royal Canadian Air Farce, which got preempted that week by CBC war coverage.
One surprise: Series star Michael Chiklis was figured to be an easy choice for playoff MVP, but instead that honor went to co-star Walton Goggins. This season was a real tour de force for his character, Shane Vendrell. Let us toast him with a yammy full of Georgia joy juice!
ALF CUP CHAMPIONS (playoff MVPs in parentheses):
1987-ALF (ALF)
1988-ALF (ALF)
1989-ALF (ALF)
1990-ALF (ALF)
1991-ALF (ALF)
1992-ALF (ALF)
1993-Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Michael J. Nelson)
1994-The Secret Life Of Machines (Rex Garrod)
1995-Animaniacs (Rob Paulsen)
1996-Due South (Paul Gross)
1997-Carson's Comedy Classics (Johnny Carson)
1998-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Mary Walsh)
1999-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Rick Mercer)
2000-Twin Peaks (Kyle Maclachlan)
2001-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Preston Manning)
2002-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Colin Mochrie)
2003-The Shield (Walton Goggins)
THE SHIELD lived up to the hype and the preseason forecast by soundly winning the 2003 ALF Cup Final last night against 4-time and defending champ This Hour Has 22 Minutes.
22M stumbled in a manner similar to 3 years ago when they rolled over and played dead with a clip show against Twin Peaks. This time, the clips all tied in with the doings in Iraq, and there were plenty of top-notch anti-Yank zingers, but a clip show is a clip show, and not a good strategy to employ in an ALF Cup Final.
The Shield, meanwhile, stayed right on the schedule that made them the season-long pick to win it all, posting up with an excellent season finale. As soon as it was announced last fall that the 2nd season would wrap up during the week of the Final, Vic and company were a virtual lock to take home the trophy.
"I'm a different kind of cop."
Still, a bit of luck was involved along the way. Sometimes, it's not who wins, but who loses (and when). 22M got to the Final by virtue of a semifinal win over a subpar ep of South Park, which got to the semis by virtue of a win over Royal Canadian Air Farce, which got preempted that week by CBC war coverage.
One surprise: Series star Michael Chiklis was figured to be an easy choice for playoff MVP, but instead that honor went to co-star Walton Goggins. This season was a real tour de force for his character, Shane Vendrell. Let us toast him with a yammy full of Georgia joy juice!
ALF CUP CHAMPIONS (playoff MVPs in parentheses):
1987-ALF (ALF)
1988-ALF (ALF)
1989-ALF (ALF)
1990-ALF (ALF)
1991-ALF (ALF)
1992-ALF (ALF)
1993-Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Michael J. Nelson)
1994-The Secret Life Of Machines (Rex Garrod)
1995-Animaniacs (Rob Paulsen)
1996-Due South (Paul Gross)
1997-Carson's Comedy Classics (Johnny Carson)
1998-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Mary Walsh)
1999-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Rick Mercer)
2000-Twin Peaks (Kyle Maclachlan)
2001-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Preston Manning)
2002-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (Colin Mochrie)
2003-The Shield (Walton Goggins)
Saturday, March 29, 2003
Sunday, March 23, 2003
IN THIS CASE, THE SIMPLE SOLUTION OF WAR IS SIMPLY THE WRONG ONE
by Steve Lopez, LA Times
H.L. Mencken should have been here.
"For every problem," he said, "there is a solution which is simple, clean and wrong."
Sums it up nicely, if you ask me.
Like you, I have two hopes. That the war in Iraq goes quickly, and that the loss of life is minimal.
But that's exactly what brought us to the brink -- the simple-minded notion that against the laws of history and logic, and with minimal sacrifice, we can shape a world that suits our needs by the sheer force of military might, God's will be done.
We don't know what it will cost, but we're going to war.
We don't know what comes next, but we're going to war.
We can't find the money to equip police and fire units with the equipment they'll need to take on terrorists, but we're going to war.
We can't liberate millions of American children from failed schools or rescue millions of medically uninsured in this tanking economy, but we're going to war.
You have to admire the clarity. But President Bush didn't do it alone.
God is on his team, he tells us, which explains why he sleeps easy. He is wrapped in the swaddling embrace of evangelical imperative, and may God keep blessing America, as Bush intoned in his national sermon the other night.
The fundamentalists who killed 3,000-plus Americans were operating on a parallel conviction, by the way, so they sleep easy too. Particularly since Saddam Hussein, for reasons that remain a mystery, replaced them as Public Enemy No. 1.
Since last June, when I first started writing about the inevitable war of prevention, I've checked in periodically with USC professor Richard Dekmejian. At one point, I asked the author of "Islam in Revolution: Fundamentalism in the Arab World," if there is any way this war can make the world safer.
"Miracles can always happen," he said. "It is the holy land, after all.... But I see chaos and a massive increase of international terrorism ....Everything I know about Iraq ... tells me there will be near-term and long-term crisis after Saddam is defeated."
That's partly because in our rush to plant the seeds of democracy, we've trampled every international democratic institution in our path. The hypocrisy has alienated friends, which will make this mission all the more complicated, and allowed enemies to say, I told you so.
The planet rotates with a wobble because of an imbalance of wealth and power that fuels anti-American sentiment, and we respond with tax breaks for the wealthy and the mother of all bombs. My favorite line in the walk-up to war appeared in a story from Wall Street in which a broker was quoted on the rumored arrest of Osama bin Laden. Remember him?
"If they do get him," said the broker, "it's got to be good for a pop in equities and a decent pullback in bonds, say 10 basis points on the two-year yield. That's got the short-term crowd nervous."
Who needs David Mamet?
I'm short-term nervous and long-term too. Even if there's no chemical or biological disaster and the war goes smoothly, if there is such a thing, the hard part comes in a couple of weeks. That's when some dust-covered commander will be standing in the middle of the world's largest sand trap, looking at 25 million Iraqis and wondering, OK, now what?
If anyone in Washington has a good answer, it hasn't been heard.
But we're going to war.
To make things all the more interesting, our new next-door neighbor will be Iran, which, unlike Iraq, actually has a nuclear program to worry about.
But make no mistake, this risk carries certain rewards. The Blair Bush Project, should it succeed, puts guess who? -- America and Britain -- first in line at the oil trough.
That's right. A president and vice president with zero combat experience between them have guided us into war that will fatten the industries that made them rich, and turn Iraq into a subsidiary of Halliburton, Enron, or whoever.
I've got more combat experience than Bush and Cheney, and I wasn't even enlisted. In brief tours of Iraq and Bosnia, I saw just enough of what war is about to feel compelled to speak up for any alternative.
Congressional representatives, on the other hand, with only a handful of sons and daughters in the military, remain virtually mute, having long ago taken a vow of submission.
In its collective failure to make a compelling case for combat and draw more allies to the cause, Congress and the president have raised the danger level for troops sent to Iraq. And do not for one minute let them tell you this war was a hard choice.
Diplomacy is hard.
Peaceful resolution is hard.
Leading the world by earning its respect is hard.
Raining record numbers of megaton bombs on an absurdly overmatched foe is simple in the most elemental ways, and for this time and place, it is wrong.
*
(Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve.lopez@latimes.com)
by Steve Lopez, LA Times
H.L. Mencken should have been here.
"For every problem," he said, "there is a solution which is simple, clean and wrong."
Sums it up nicely, if you ask me.
Like you, I have two hopes. That the war in Iraq goes quickly, and that the loss of life is minimal.
But that's exactly what brought us to the brink -- the simple-minded notion that against the laws of history and logic, and with minimal sacrifice, we can shape a world that suits our needs by the sheer force of military might, God's will be done.
We don't know what it will cost, but we're going to war.
We don't know what comes next, but we're going to war.
We can't find the money to equip police and fire units with the equipment they'll need to take on terrorists, but we're going to war.
We can't liberate millions of American children from failed schools or rescue millions of medically uninsured in this tanking economy, but we're going to war.
You have to admire the clarity. But President Bush didn't do it alone.
God is on his team, he tells us, which explains why he sleeps easy. He is wrapped in the swaddling embrace of evangelical imperative, and may God keep blessing America, as Bush intoned in his national sermon the other night.
The fundamentalists who killed 3,000-plus Americans were operating on a parallel conviction, by the way, so they sleep easy too. Particularly since Saddam Hussein, for reasons that remain a mystery, replaced them as Public Enemy No. 1.
Since last June, when I first started writing about the inevitable war of prevention, I've checked in periodically with USC professor Richard Dekmejian. At one point, I asked the author of "Islam in Revolution: Fundamentalism in the Arab World," if there is any way this war can make the world safer.
"Miracles can always happen," he said. "It is the holy land, after all.... But I see chaos and a massive increase of international terrorism ....Everything I know about Iraq ... tells me there will be near-term and long-term crisis after Saddam is defeated."
That's partly because in our rush to plant the seeds of democracy, we've trampled every international democratic institution in our path. The hypocrisy has alienated friends, which will make this mission all the more complicated, and allowed enemies to say, I told you so.
The planet rotates with a wobble because of an imbalance of wealth and power that fuels anti-American sentiment, and we respond with tax breaks for the wealthy and the mother of all bombs. My favorite line in the walk-up to war appeared in a story from Wall Street in which a broker was quoted on the rumored arrest of Osama bin Laden. Remember him?
"If they do get him," said the broker, "it's got to be good for a pop in equities and a decent pullback in bonds, say 10 basis points on the two-year yield. That's got the short-term crowd nervous."
Who needs David Mamet?
I'm short-term nervous and long-term too. Even if there's no chemical or biological disaster and the war goes smoothly, if there is such a thing, the hard part comes in a couple of weeks. That's when some dust-covered commander will be standing in the middle of the world's largest sand trap, looking at 25 million Iraqis and wondering, OK, now what?
If anyone in Washington has a good answer, it hasn't been heard.
But we're going to war.
To make things all the more interesting, our new next-door neighbor will be Iran, which, unlike Iraq, actually has a nuclear program to worry about.
But make no mistake, this risk carries certain rewards. The Blair Bush Project, should it succeed, puts guess who? -- America and Britain -- first in line at the oil trough.
That's right. A president and vice president with zero combat experience between them have guided us into war that will fatten the industries that made them rich, and turn Iraq into a subsidiary of Halliburton, Enron, or whoever.
I've got more combat experience than Bush and Cheney, and I wasn't even enlisted. In brief tours of Iraq and Bosnia, I saw just enough of what war is about to feel compelled to speak up for any alternative.
Congressional representatives, on the other hand, with only a handful of sons and daughters in the military, remain virtually mute, having long ago taken a vow of submission.
In its collective failure to make a compelling case for combat and draw more allies to the cause, Congress and the president have raised the danger level for troops sent to Iraq. And do not for one minute let them tell you this war was a hard choice.
Diplomacy is hard.
Peaceful resolution is hard.
Leading the world by earning its respect is hard.
Raining record numbers of megaton bombs on an absurdly overmatched foe is simple in the most elemental ways, and for this time and place, it is wrong.
*
(Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve.lopez@latimes.com)
Saturday, March 22, 2003
2003 GEAK TV ALF CUP PLAYOFFS
Well, this sucks.
I was afraid that the stupid war would fuck up my playoffs. My fears were realized Friday night when 3, count 'em, 3 playoff contenders got preempted by war coverage.
When I tuned in to my usual Friday night comedies on CBC, instead of seeing Air Farce at 8, all I got was Peter Mansbridge. At 9, An American In Canada got zonked as well. This turn of events handed wins to South Park and Made In Canada, which also got zonked, but got a win earlier in the week via a rerun. MIC would have advanced anyway by virtue of being seeded higher than AAIC.
The only question now is, will next week's new eps of 22M and MIC get zonked by war coverage, leaving them to fall back on their weekday afternoon reruns? Or will those reruns get zonked as well? The smart money is on a Shield-South Park final, as both are running new eps, and neither should be in any danger of getting preempted. But as Chris Berman always says, "That's why they play the games."
Semifinals--March 23-29:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 4-South Park
3-The Shield vs 7-Made In Canada
Quarterfinal results:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes def. 9-Monk 2-0
4-South Park def. 5-Royal Canadian Air Farce 2-0
7-Made In Canada def. 18-An American In Canada 2-0
3-The Shield def. 6-The Simpsons 2-1
Meanwhile, time to unveil a new weekly feature here on the Pond...TMs Of The Week! Each week we'll have two winners, one in the Inbox division and one in the Outbox division. This week's winners:
Inbox: After sending several TMs (with no response) to Max while he was at his job on an overnight cleaning crew, he finally answered "CANT TM NOW IM USING ACID" which was followed about 10-15 seconds later by "CANT TM NOW IM USING ACID 2 CLEAN". Yeah, I was wondering how LSD would help in cleaning. I suppose the possibilities are endless. Woohoo! Toxic super freakouts!
Outbox: I was describing a dream I had earlier this week to my pals. In the dream, ALF and I went out to brunch. We had freedom toast, freedom fries with a side order of fredom onion chip dip, and freedom dip sub sandwiches. Then we went back to my place and started freedom kissing, and then, well, this brings us to the TMOTW: "THEN I FUCKED HIM IN THE ASS WEARING A FREEDOM TICKLER". (Granted, certain readers may be disturbed that I mentioned ALF in the joke. To them I say, hey, it could have been worse. Use your imagination, campers!)
Well, this sucks.
I was afraid that the stupid war would fuck up my playoffs. My fears were realized Friday night when 3, count 'em, 3 playoff contenders got preempted by war coverage.
When I tuned in to my usual Friday night comedies on CBC, instead of seeing Air Farce at 8, all I got was Peter Mansbridge. At 9, An American In Canada got zonked as well. This turn of events handed wins to South Park and Made In Canada, which also got zonked, but got a win earlier in the week via a rerun. MIC would have advanced anyway by virtue of being seeded higher than AAIC.
The only question now is, will next week's new eps of 22M and MIC get zonked by war coverage, leaving them to fall back on their weekday afternoon reruns? Or will those reruns get zonked as well? The smart money is on a Shield-South Park final, as both are running new eps, and neither should be in any danger of getting preempted. But as Chris Berman always says, "That's why they play the games."
Semifinals--March 23-29:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 4-South Park
3-The Shield vs 7-Made In Canada
Quarterfinal results:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes def. 9-Monk 2-0
4-South Park def. 5-Royal Canadian Air Farce 2-0
7-Made In Canada def. 18-An American In Canada 2-0
3-The Shield def. 6-The Simpsons 2-1
Meanwhile, time to unveil a new weekly feature here on the Pond...TMs Of The Week! Each week we'll have two winners, one in the Inbox division and one in the Outbox division. This week's winners:
Inbox: After sending several TMs (with no response) to Max while he was at his job on an overnight cleaning crew, he finally answered "CANT TM NOW IM USING ACID" which was followed about 10-15 seconds later by "CANT TM NOW IM USING ACID 2 CLEAN". Yeah, I was wondering how LSD would help in cleaning. I suppose the possibilities are endless. Woohoo! Toxic super freakouts!
Outbox: I was describing a dream I had earlier this week to my pals. In the dream, ALF and I went out to brunch. We had freedom toast, freedom fries with a side order of fredom onion chip dip, and freedom dip sub sandwiches. Then we went back to my place and started freedom kissing, and then, well, this brings us to the TMOTW: "THEN I FUCKED HIM IN THE ASS WEARING A FREEDOM TICKLER". (Granted, certain readers may be disturbed that I mentioned ALF in the joke. To them I say, hey, it could have been worse. Use your imagination, campers!)
Saturday, March 15, 2003
2003 GEAK TV ALF CUP QUARTERFINALS
It's been quality over quantity in this year's ALF Cup playoffs. The forecast calls for plenty of fresh eps.
Quarterfinals--March 16-22:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 9-Monk
4-South Park vs 5-Royal Canadian Air Farce
7-Made In Canada vs 18-An American In Canada
3-The Shield vs 6-The Simpsons
Second round results:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes def. 16-Futurama 2-0
9-Monk def. 8-The Sean Cullen Show 2-0
4-South Park def. 13-Inside Cup Racing 2-1
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce def. 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews 2-0
7-Made In Canada def. 10-The Osbournes 2-0
18-An American In Canada def. 2-Survivor 2-1
3-The Shield def. 19-Frasier 2-0
6-The Simpsons def. 11-The Red Green Show 1-0
It's been quality over quantity in this year's ALF Cup playoffs. The forecast calls for plenty of fresh eps.
Quarterfinals--March 16-22:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 9-Monk
4-South Park vs 5-Royal Canadian Air Farce
7-Made In Canada vs 18-An American In Canada
3-The Shield vs 6-The Simpsons
Second round results:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes def. 16-Futurama 2-0
9-Monk def. 8-The Sean Cullen Show 2-0
4-South Park def. 13-Inside Cup Racing 2-1
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce def. 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews 2-0
7-Made In Canada def. 10-The Osbournes 2-0
18-An American In Canada def. 2-Survivor 2-1
3-The Shield def. 19-Frasier 2-0
6-The Simpsons def. 11-The Red Green Show 1-0
DEMOTIVATORS
If you haven't seen these before, go. See them. Now.
Demotivators
Once there, just check out all the links on the right.
(Personally, I think quite a few of these would look nice on the walls over at Convergys.)
If you haven't seen these before, go. See them. Now.
Demotivators
Once there, just check out all the links on the right.
(Personally, I think quite a few of these would look nice on the walls over at Convergys.)
Sunday, March 09, 2003
2003 GEAK TV ALF CUP PLAYOFFS
The first round, as usual, was pretty uneventful, though there were two upsets. The real action begins this week, as all the top seeds begin their quest for the Cup.
Second round--March 9-15:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 16-Futurama
8-The Sean Cullen Show vs 9-Monk
4-South Park vs 13-Inside Cup Racing
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce vs 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews
2-Survivor vs 18-An American In Canada
7-Made In Canada vs 10-The Osbournes
3-The Shield vs 19-Frasier
6-The Simpsons vs 11-The Red Green Show
First round results:
16-Futurama def. 17-Life & Times 1-0
13-Inside Cup Racing def. 20-Freakazoid 1-0
18-An American In Canada def. 15-The Crocodile Hunter 2-0
19-Frasier def. 14-Whose Line Is It Anyway 2-0
The first round, as usual, was pretty uneventful, though there were two upsets. The real action begins this week, as all the top seeds begin their quest for the Cup.
Second round--March 9-15:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes vs 16-Futurama
8-The Sean Cullen Show vs 9-Monk
4-South Park vs 13-Inside Cup Racing
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce vs 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews
2-Survivor vs 18-An American In Canada
7-Made In Canada vs 10-The Osbournes
3-The Shield vs 19-Frasier
6-The Simpsons vs 11-The Red Green Show
First round results:
16-Futurama def. 17-Life & Times 1-0
13-Inside Cup Racing def. 20-Freakazoid 1-0
18-An American In Canada def. 15-The Crocodile Hunter 2-0
19-Frasier def. 14-Whose Line Is It Anyway 2-0
Saturday, March 01, 2003
2003 GEAK TV ALF CUP PLAYOFFS
A record low turnout of just 20 shows are set to do battle on the road to this year's ALF Cup championship. Nonetheless, it promises to be an interesting tournament...
First round--March 2-8:
16-Futurama (Fox/Toon) vs 17-Life & Times (CBC)
13-Inside Cup Racing (Speed) vs 20-Freakazoid (Toon)
15-The Crocodile Hunter (AniP) vs 18-An American In Canada (CBC)
14-Whose Line Is It Anyway (ABC/Fam) vs 19-Frasier (NBC/Syn.)
Second round--March 9-15:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (CBC) vs 16/17 winner
8-The Sean Cullen Show-R (CBC) vs 9-Monk-R (ABC/USA)
4-South Park (Com) vs 13/20 winner
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce (CBC) vs 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews-R (TVL)
2-Survivor (CBS) vs 15/18 winner
7-Made In Canada (CBC) vs 10-The Osbournes-R (MTV)
3-The Shield-R (FX) vs 14/19 winner
6-The Simpsons (Fox/Syn.) vs 11-The Red Green Show (CBC/PBS)
Quarterfinals--March 16-22
Semifinals--March 23-29
2003 ALF Cup Final--March 30-April 5
A record low turnout of just 20 shows are set to do battle on the road to this year's ALF Cup championship. Nonetheless, it promises to be an interesting tournament...
First round--March 2-8:
16-Futurama (Fox/Toon) vs 17-Life & Times (CBC)
13-Inside Cup Racing (Speed) vs 20-Freakazoid (Toon)
15-The Crocodile Hunter (AniP) vs 18-An American In Canada (CBC)
14-Whose Line Is It Anyway (ABC/Fam) vs 19-Frasier (NBC/Syn.)
Second round--March 9-15:
1-This Hour Has 22 Minutes (CBC) vs 16/17 winner
8-The Sean Cullen Show-R (CBC) vs 9-Monk-R (ABC/USA)
4-South Park (Com) vs 13/20 winner
5-Royal Canadian Air Farce (CBC) vs 12-TV Land Legends The 60 Minutes Interviews-R (TVL)
2-Survivor (CBS) vs 15/18 winner
7-Made In Canada (CBC) vs 10-The Osbournes-R (MTV)
3-The Shield-R (FX) vs 14/19 winner
6-The Simpsons (Fox/Syn.) vs 11-The Red Green Show (CBC/PBS)
Quarterfinals--March 16-22
Semifinals--March 23-29
2003 ALF Cup Final--March 30-April 5
Thursday, February 13, 2003
EVERY OLD IDEA IS NEW AGAIN
For those of you who haven't been visiting StickFight.net on a regular basis (and if you haven't, what the fuck is wrong with you?!), you may have missed the rebirth of an old pet concept of mine.
Perhaps some of you remember "Survival Of The Least Objectionable". Perhaps not. Perhaps because when I tried it out on you, my precious posse of pals, you reacted to it with as much enthusiasm as Marvin The Paranoid Android at an "Up With People" Super Bowl halftime extravaganza.
The concept, for those who forgot, was to take a group of people (fictional or non-) deemed rather annoying by the general public, and vote to kill off the most annoying of all, one by one, until we are left with the least objectionable of the lot.
About a week ago I gave new life to SOTLO in the Stickfight forums, and it garnered a nice voter turnout. The contestants for Season One were The Castaways (Gilligan, Skipper, etc.), and much as I expected, Mary Ann emerged the sole survivor.
And so I have now rushed headlong into the second season with The Brady Bunch as the next group of victims...er, contestants.
To vote and weigh in with your thoughts, simply follow the StickFight link on the right, and you're sure to see the latest SOTLO round listed under "Latest Forum Threads".
For those of you who haven't been visiting StickFight.net on a regular basis (and if you haven't, what the fuck is wrong with you?!), you may have missed the rebirth of an old pet concept of mine.
Perhaps some of you remember "Survival Of The Least Objectionable". Perhaps not. Perhaps because when I tried it out on you, my precious posse of pals, you reacted to it with as much enthusiasm as Marvin The Paranoid Android at an "Up With People" Super Bowl halftime extravaganza.
The concept, for those who forgot, was to take a group of people (fictional or non-) deemed rather annoying by the general public, and vote to kill off the most annoying of all, one by one, until we are left with the least objectionable of the lot.
About a week ago I gave new life to SOTLO in the Stickfight forums, and it garnered a nice voter turnout. The contestants for Season One were The Castaways (Gilligan, Skipper, etc.), and much as I expected, Mary Ann emerged the sole survivor.
And so I have now rushed headlong into the second season with The Brady Bunch as the next group of victims...er, contestants.
To vote and weigh in with your thoughts, simply follow the StickFight link on the right, and you're sure to see the latest SOTLO round listed under "Latest Forum Threads".
Friday, January 03, 2003
CRAPPY OLD YEAR!
Good fucking riddance, 2002. You were the worst calendar year of my life. Any 2002 calendars I get my hands on are gonna get burned to a crisp. Except of course for the one on which my mom noted things such as birthdays of friends and relatives, as well as those of Nascar drivers, and the Nascar TV schedule.
Nonetheless, in spite of the horror that was 2002, I still have my usual year-end awards to give out...
GEAK ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Always a prestigious award. And this year, many fine efforts from the likes of Monk, Wendy Snyder, The Basement, Cleo Glyde, and Coldplay, just to name a few. But the winner is:
THE SHIELD
SONG OF THE YEAR
Another perennial biggie. Usually there's a tournament, but this year there's no need. Although there were serious challenges from the likes of Pansy Division ("Flower", "The Summer You Let Your Hair Grow Out", "Obstacle Course", etc.), Foo Fighters ("All My Life"...possible 2003 SOTY?), Uriah Heep ("Sweet Freedom", "July Morning", etc.), Bruce Springsteen (several tracks from "The Rising"), and Steve Dahl ("I Wish I Was The Pope"), one band had this award in the bag in mid-year and fended off every challenger, including songs from their own new album ("In My Place", "The Scientist", etc.). It was used to great effect at the end of the first season finale of The Shield, it could apply to my mom's death, and it was the one song that, even by title alone, summed up the entire year. The 2002 SOTY is:
COLDPLAY, "TROUBLE"
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Now this is a toughie. I'm gonna need your help on this one, campers. Email your picks to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com and I'll post the winner later. Here's the nominees:
Coldplay, "Parachutes"
Coldplay, "A Rush Of Blood To The Head"
Pansy Division, "Absurd Pop Song Romance"
Pansy Division, "Pileup"
Pansy Division, "Undressed"
Rush, "Vapor Trails"
Joe Satriani, "Live In San Francisco"
Bruce Springsteen, "The Rising"
Taco The Wonder Dog, "Taco The Wonder Dog Covers The Hits"
Uriah Heep, "Classic Heep: An Anthology"
CATCH PHRASE OF THE YEAR
In any other year, this would have been an interesting one-on-one battle. Steve Dahl's imitation of Dahl Show "Computer Bitch" Ed Silha yielded many top catch phrases, including "I will not wear someone else's pants!", "I will not drive through Pennsylvania!", and "I will not buy a glass fish tank!". But the biggie, the signature, the touchstone, the trigger phrase, was, of course, "SEATBELTS!" And Edzila's main competition would be from the movie championed by Dahl himself, "Pootie Tang", which gave us a plethora of phrases that make no sense, are fun to say, and can be used throughout everyday life. From "Sine your pitty on the runny kine" to "Cole me down on the panny sty" to "I can't say the nay-no, my brother" to "Sepatown" to "My main damie" to "Sa-da-tay!", and my personal fave (because it almost sounds like "Whatever"), "Wadatah", Pootie Tang could have singlehandedly locked up this category. But as with the SOTY, one catch phrase summed up the main story of the year, as well as the year in general. Though it may seem a bit of a downer, I feel it my duty to give this award posthumously to my mom, who kept repeating this phrase on Feb. 21, easily the worst day of the year as well as my life. The 2002 Catch Phrase Of The Year is:
"THIS IS REALITY."--THE LATE ALVA PRIBE
THE CARL SAGAN AWARD (BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR)
In previous years, I tried to limit this award to movies I saw in the theater for the first time that year. But 2002 called for a change. I saw a couple of movies for the first time in 2002 on video that were released in previous years, and both must be included in my top 6, including #1. Let me quickly give honorable mention to "Men With Brooms", "Red Green: Duct Tape Forever", "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course", "Die Another Day", and "Fight Club". But as good as all those were, my choice is clear. (And no, it's not "Fellowship Of The Ring". I'd have to give that Worst Movie status. A 3-hour nerd-fest. You don't normally expect to hear a movie character utter the line "We will taste man-flesh!" unless you're cruising at the Bijou in Chicago.) The 2002 Movie Of The Year is:
"POOTIE TANG"
THE TRIO AWARD (BEST COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR)
As in 2001, ads shown during Nascar races make up most of the top com'ls of 2002, though they DO get awfully repetitive. The ones I never got tired of: UPS's ads with Joe Walsh and George Thorogood, and Mikey Waltrip's Napa ads ("I'm at the wrong track!"). But even though he appeared in several of their ads, the first one with him still stands as the best. And this was one of the few remaining awards not on his mantle. And, face it, any time ALF is eligible for an award, you can send the other nominees home early. The 2002 Com'l Of The Year is:
10-10-220, ALF (WITH TERRY BRADSHAW)
MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
I'm completely stumped, folks. I can't even think of any nominees here. Please email your nods to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com and we'll see who/what we end up with.
WEBSITE OF THE YEAR
The new Dahl.com is snazzy. JoeCartoon.com has some funny moments (Aw, my freakin' head, I'm so wasted!"). And the new Shagout.net is good but not as good as the old Shagout. Screw it, time to let my ego out for some fresh air! The 2002 Website Of The Year is:
THE DUCK POND!
Good fucking riddance, 2002. You were the worst calendar year of my life. Any 2002 calendars I get my hands on are gonna get burned to a crisp. Except of course for the one on which my mom noted things such as birthdays of friends and relatives, as well as those of Nascar drivers, and the Nascar TV schedule.
Nonetheless, in spite of the horror that was 2002, I still have my usual year-end awards to give out...
GEAK ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Always a prestigious award. And this year, many fine efforts from the likes of Monk, Wendy Snyder, The Basement, Cleo Glyde, and Coldplay, just to name a few. But the winner is:
THE SHIELD
SONG OF THE YEAR
Another perennial biggie. Usually there's a tournament, but this year there's no need. Although there were serious challenges from the likes of Pansy Division ("Flower", "The Summer You Let Your Hair Grow Out", "Obstacle Course", etc.), Foo Fighters ("All My Life"...possible 2003 SOTY?), Uriah Heep ("Sweet Freedom", "July Morning", etc.), Bruce Springsteen (several tracks from "The Rising"), and Steve Dahl ("I Wish I Was The Pope"), one band had this award in the bag in mid-year and fended off every challenger, including songs from their own new album ("In My Place", "The Scientist", etc.). It was used to great effect at the end of the first season finale of The Shield, it could apply to my mom's death, and it was the one song that, even by title alone, summed up the entire year. The 2002 SOTY is:
COLDPLAY, "TROUBLE"
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Now this is a toughie. I'm gonna need your help on this one, campers. Email your picks to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com and I'll post the winner later. Here's the nominees:
Coldplay, "Parachutes"
Coldplay, "A Rush Of Blood To The Head"
Pansy Division, "Absurd Pop Song Romance"
Pansy Division, "Pileup"
Pansy Division, "Undressed"
Rush, "Vapor Trails"
Joe Satriani, "Live In San Francisco"
Bruce Springsteen, "The Rising"
Taco The Wonder Dog, "Taco The Wonder Dog Covers The Hits"
Uriah Heep, "Classic Heep: An Anthology"
CATCH PHRASE OF THE YEAR
In any other year, this would have been an interesting one-on-one battle. Steve Dahl's imitation of Dahl Show "Computer Bitch" Ed Silha yielded many top catch phrases, including "I will not wear someone else's pants!", "I will not drive through Pennsylvania!", and "I will not buy a glass fish tank!". But the biggie, the signature, the touchstone, the trigger phrase, was, of course, "SEATBELTS!" And Edzila's main competition would be from the movie championed by Dahl himself, "Pootie Tang", which gave us a plethora of phrases that make no sense, are fun to say, and can be used throughout everyday life. From "Sine your pitty on the runny kine" to "Cole me down on the panny sty" to "I can't say the nay-no, my brother" to "Sepatown" to "My main damie" to "Sa-da-tay!", and my personal fave (because it almost sounds like "Whatever"), "Wadatah", Pootie Tang could have singlehandedly locked up this category. But as with the SOTY, one catch phrase summed up the main story of the year, as well as the year in general. Though it may seem a bit of a downer, I feel it my duty to give this award posthumously to my mom, who kept repeating this phrase on Feb. 21, easily the worst day of the year as well as my life. The 2002 Catch Phrase Of The Year is:
"THIS IS REALITY."--THE LATE ALVA PRIBE
THE CARL SAGAN AWARD (BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR)
In previous years, I tried to limit this award to movies I saw in the theater for the first time that year. But 2002 called for a change. I saw a couple of movies for the first time in 2002 on video that were released in previous years, and both must be included in my top 6, including #1. Let me quickly give honorable mention to "Men With Brooms", "Red Green: Duct Tape Forever", "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course", "Die Another Day", and "Fight Club". But as good as all those were, my choice is clear. (And no, it's not "Fellowship Of The Ring". I'd have to give that Worst Movie status. A 3-hour nerd-fest. You don't normally expect to hear a movie character utter the line "We will taste man-flesh!" unless you're cruising at the Bijou in Chicago.) The 2002 Movie Of The Year is:
"POOTIE TANG"
THE TRIO AWARD (BEST COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR)
As in 2001, ads shown during Nascar races make up most of the top com'ls of 2002, though they DO get awfully repetitive. The ones I never got tired of: UPS's ads with Joe Walsh and George Thorogood, and Mikey Waltrip's Napa ads ("I'm at the wrong track!"). But even though he appeared in several of their ads, the first one with him still stands as the best. And this was one of the few remaining awards not on his mantle. And, face it, any time ALF is eligible for an award, you can send the other nominees home early. The 2002 Com'l Of The Year is:
10-10-220, ALF (WITH TERRY BRADSHAW)
MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
I'm completely stumped, folks. I can't even think of any nominees here. Please email your nods to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com and we'll see who/what we end up with.
WEBSITE OF THE YEAR
The new Dahl.com is snazzy. JoeCartoon.com has some funny moments (Aw, my freakin' head, I'm so wasted!"). And the new Shagout.net is good but not as good as the old Shagout. Screw it, time to let my ego out for some fresh air! The 2002 Website Of The Year is:
THE DUCK POND!
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