STICK IT TO ME

While you're waiting for me to post the nominations for all my usual year-end awards, here's some stuff to keep you occupied...

Stick figure fighting: it's all the rage! I think. Here's a few links to get you started on this fascinating new spectator sport:

Xiao Xiao #3
One of the first stick figure fighting films I saw, and still one of the best.

Stick Figure Death Theater
This is where I found the above film. A ton of others, including more from Xiao Xiao.

StickDeath.com
Just what it says. Fun for the whole stick figure family.

There. Now you know just a few of the many places where you can stick it.

IF THIS WORKS, I'M PLAYING THE LOTTERY NEXT

Okay folks, this is a long shot, but it's worth a try...

Is there, by any chance, anyone reading this who happened to save the text to the "No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus" piece I wrote last year for the old Shagout multi-person blog? If so please email it to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com so I post it again this year. I'm just too damn lazy to try to rewrite it. Thanks.

I'M STILL HERE

Been experiencing a bout of writer's block lately. Bear with me.

ALL YOUR ANGST ARE BELONG TO US

Found something interesting. It's the cover art of an album that our very own Shaggy released a few years ago, during his brief Kenny Loggins/Al Stewart/Cat Stevens-type introspective phase. I think it'll be out on CD soon.

Click the link below to check it out.

Rock me gently

IS THIS TOO MORBID?

In the wake of my mom's premature demise, and the inevitable disputes over who gets what, I have naturally been giving a lot of thought to what will happen to my stuff should I check out early.

I have yet to craft a will, hopefully soon I'll get around to it, but in the meantime, I could use your help, mi amigos.

Who wants what?

Come on, stake your claims now! I have to die sooner or later. Why should my worldly possessions take up space in a landfill? Help recycle, dammit!

Okay, so you guys can't call dibs on my organs, but the rest is up for grabs!

First and foremost, there's all my ALF stuff, much of which you have been reading about here the last few. Then there's my vast stockpile of audio and video tapes, the content of which runs the gamut. After that, it's pretty much the usual worldly-possession-type crap. Some worthy of resale, some only of sentimental value, but overall nothing to write home about.

Mind you, I am a borderline minor local celebrity, so if there's anything currently in my possession that would make for tabloid fodder, I trust my executor will keep it hidden from the general public. Speaking of which...

Who calls executor? "All the all the outs in free!"

Tell ya what, let's settle that as fairly as possible...

My...mother...and...your...mother...were...hanging...up...clothes...
My...mother...socked...your...mother...in...the...nose...
What...color...of...blood...came...out?

THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER

A good week for me ALF-wise. First the "Got cat?" poster, then the "ALF Files" DVD, then my new ALF cell phone face plate.

The best part about the face plate? The main button is strategically and conveniently located right over ALF's crotch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch...

And so the ALF paraphernalia collection grows. Next I'll be stockpiling ALF plushies. Hey, you gotta have backups.

IS IT JUST ME...

...or are my posts getting shorter?

I'M VERY...HAP-PY!

I am now the proud owner of The "ALF Files" DVD. Oh yeah. I have creamed my jeans. My nipples have exploded with delight. My hovercraft is full of eels.

I'll watch it later today. But first I'm just going to lie in bed next to it and cuddle with it for a while.

MMM...THE NEW KITTEN TERIYAKI SUB...(DROOL DROOL)

Thanks to Shaggy, there's a new #2 pic in the Gallery too. Also the Shagman has sent his first query to the Ask blog. Much obliged.

And I'm just about to make a run for the border to grab my copy of the ALF DVD, which Shagola tipped me off to.

Tell ya what, let's just declare this "Give Your Props To Shaggy" Day!

No, wait, I forgot, it's Nov. 4. Never mind. This is already "Death To America" Day. (Hey, I didn't name it. Bite me.)

"I'VE BEEN FRAMED!"

We've had a swap for the top spot in the Gallery. And the hard copy of the new #1 pic is now in my possession. Read more about it!

REMEMBERING A PIONEER...

Jam Master Jay
1965-2002

story here

THERE ARE SOME THINGS MONEY CAN'T BUY

Check this out from The Brunching Shuttlecocks: It's called Priceless. And it is. It's the best MasterCard ad I've seen to date and it's not even a real one!

IT'S ALIVE! MY CREATION IS ALIVE!

Wow. This Ask Ducksoup thang is getting huge! A ton of questions in the mailbag today. Go check out my answers.

WARNING! NEW FEATURE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Man, I am just chock full of ideas lately. Here's my latest stroke of genius:

Ask Ducksoup

Try it (with milk). It's fun! I hope.

PS: Holy unexpected popularity, Batman! "Ask Ducksoup" has been up for only an hour or so and already I've received 3 questions. From total strangers! All this time I thought my entire readership consisted of my 3 best friends/Duck Pond affiliates. Where did all you other people come from? And what's wrong with you?! Well, wherever you came from, thanks large for starting off the "Ask" thing with a resounding bang! I can hardly keep up!

WAIT FOR IT...WAIT FOR IT...

Bummer.

The "ALF Files" DVD is not due in Windsor stores until November 4th. But I WILL HAVE IT!!!

IF THE POLICE NEVER FIND IT, IS IT STILL A CLUE?

So, the note the sniper left on the tarot card said "I am god", which as you might recall was the title of Taco The Wonder Dog's remix of the Mark Standriff/Chubby Checker interview.

I predict the next note will read "I am the wheel that rock rolls on", and then we've got our man!

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME ON THE WAY TO OBLIVION

How screwed up is my mind? Here's a scenario I recently dreamed up for my own demise...

I'm driving and I crash my van into an ambulance. I go flying through the windshield and land in the back of the ambulance. So far I'm only injured, and the ambulance is not too severely damaged, so they start to take me to the hospital.

On the way the ambulance collides with another vehicle, and I go flying out of the ambulance and land in the back of the other vehicle, dead. You guessed it...it's a hearse.

And then on the way to the cemetery the hearse hits a deep pothole...and IN I GO! WHEE!

I need therapy.

3/19/2011, PS: I've since made some additions to this scenario. After the hearse a cement truck hits the same pothole and the contents spill in on top of me. Then a florist drives by and...well, you get the idea.

GAG ME WITH A SPOON

(NOTE: The show in question is no longer posted.)

Steve Dahl Show, Wednesday, October 2, time code 1:17:18 to 1:26:02. Go. Listen. Now!

A woman drops by the studio with a hair-trigger gag reflex. No puking, just gagging. Say something gross and she ulps. This is one for the "Best Of" reel. I heard it here at work and had to bite a hole in my lip to keep from laughing too loud.

PS: Also on the same show, after you enjoy the gagging woman, skip ahead to time code 2:00:18 to 2:15:58, as Steve gives his own review of BK tacos vs Taco Bell tacos, and tells us what soda flavor goes best with a BK taco. It's a combination throwback to both the Cola Wars AND the Taco Wars!

Dahl copying me: there's a switch!!!

PPS: It gets weirder: During Thursday's show, they're talking about a Sopranos character doing amyl nitrate while getting a vibrator up the keister, and also about video head cleaners and alkyl nitrate, and Steve mentions Rush. By name. And did I not mention my sudden craving for poppers after getting drunk? Weird. Eerie.

VROOM. VROOM.

The official FART blog is now open for your perusal.

In other news, I'm down to 318 and I've reached the 5th hole on my belt. This starting from the 2nd hole about two months ago. All this just from eating less. Imagine when I begin exercising too! And the fall frisbee golf season is approaching, so heads up, amigos.

By my estimation, I'm losing about 3 pounds a week. In 2 years, I'll be gone.

YO QUIERO TACO WARS

"LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMBLLLLLLE!"

In this corner, weighing in at...ah, hell, I don't know how much they weigh, and it's not much of a battle, so let's just get to it, shall we?

TACO BELL'S "CRUNCHY" TACO vs BURGER KING'S "CRISPY" TACO

TB's "Crunchy" has been a perennial fave, but in recent years has slipped in the taste department, primarily due to TB's sudden prejudice against yellow corn shells. Why the white corn shells? For our health? Look, I've said this before about the lack of salt on my french fries at the burger joints, and it applies here too: If I were the type who was concerned about my health or my sodium intake, I wouldn't be eating drive-thru in the first place! I expect salt on my fries and yellow corn shells under and around my taco filling!

And speaking of taco filling, would someone please explain to me what is with that pumpkin-y aftertaste I get a couple of hours after eating at TB? It's creepy. But I digress. Back to the white shells, they seem to crumble more than the ol' yellers. Also, TB tacos are often way too heavy on lettuce and way too light on cheese. If I wanted lettuce I'd eat a salad. And as ALF once said about salad, "That's not food, that's the stuff food eats." So, while I still dig on TB tacos, they've been developing serious problems. I suggest therapy.

As for the challengers, I had heard good things about the BK taco from Chicago radio legend Steve Dahl, who compares them to Jack-In-The-Box "Super" tacos, which I'd gladly sample except that the nearest JITBs are in the greater St. Louis area. The JITB taco is said to be a good hangover cure, but I can't vouch for that, since after Degauss got me drunk I was in no condition to drive anywhere, especially St. Louis.

The first time I tried BK's "Crispy" the ingredients were different than they have been since. The first version had no cheese and a half slice of tomato in the center. Normally I pass on tomatoes, but I had waited so long to try the BK taco I threw my tomato-phobia to the wind and tucked in. The BK taco is so thoroughly smothered in taco sauce that I hardly noticed the tomato. By the second try the tomato was gone and there was now some melted cheese (kind of so-so cheese, but hey, it was melted!) inside. Much more to my liking. But still drowned in sauce. Very hot, very spicy, and very bad for my heat-sensitive taste buds. But if you like that sort of thing, go for it. I personally give the nod on that point to TB.

Where BK really shines is how their taco holds together. Part of TB's problem is the wide open nature of their shells. BK's shell, thanks in large part to the gallon of sauce, is not as dry and also it's closed more at the top. This is great if you're driving and don't want ingredients dropping out like stoned college students. But if you're the type who likes the impromptu taco salad formed by TB's lack of cohesion, you won't get it from BK.

Finally, in the price department, BK has the edge at 2 for 99 cents. But of course if you want an odd number of tacos, BK says go fuck yourself.

So in conclusion, if there was a way to combine the good points of each, and eliminate the drawbacks such as BK's excessive spiciness and TB's lack of cohesion, we might have one hell of a taco. As it stands now, I can still dig on either one.

[Now, as a sort of postscript, I should mention at this time that it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote the first draft of this, so to be fair, just the other night I gave both of our contestants a final back-to-back showdown. Lately, I have learned to ask for light or even no sauce on the BK taco, and it makes a world of difference. But there was a noticeable difference in the quality of the ingredients. The price is a dead giveaway. Only when sampled in succession does one notice that TB has a clear edge in ingredient quality. But on this particular night the TB tacos fell to pieces like Jimmy Swaggart in his "I have sinned against you" speech.]

So in conclusion, when you put TB and BK face-to-face in a knock-down, drag-out street fight, only one true winner emerges. The winner, and still champion of the Taco Wars, is...

EL TIPICO!

"Huh?!" I hear you all exclaim. But no, seriously, the best tacos I've ever had are right down the street within walking distance of my house. Simple little family-O&O'ed authentic Mexican place. Back when I was but a lad and one of my friends or I would steal money from our mom's purse, we'd go down the street to ET and I'd pig out on the #8 plate (5 tacos). Just as I did the last time I was down there a few weeks ago (except this time I didn't steal money from my mom...she's dead now, after all), and the #8 was still 5 tacos and they're still the best. Too bad there's not a drive-thru or I'd have them more often. Anyway, if any of my friends reading this are interested I'll treat, and you can judge for yourself.

[Note: Taco The Wonder Dog was not eligible for this contest. Frankly I have no interest in finding out what he tastes like.]