"BUT WE'VE GOT TO HAVE AIDS BEFORE WE PEE IN HER EYE SOCKET!"

I STILL say the Woodland Critters deserve their own spinoff.

THE COOLEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER

MONNNAAARRRCHS INNN SPAAAAAAAACE!!!



For more info, pics and vids, click here:MONARCHS IN SPACE

GRENADES DON'T GROW HAIR EITHER

This is exactly why I don't play games like World Of Warfare. Because of the stupid ad of theirs I just saw, in which Mr. T seems to be taking credit for inventing the Mohawk haircut. Seriously???

Mr. T did NOT invent the Mohawk. If he did it would not be called the Mohawk, it would be called the Mr. T. Mr. T doesn't even LOOK like a Mohawk! Well, except for the Mohawk.

If this is how stupid the world has become, fuck it. Let me try something...I hereby claim credit for inventing male pattern baldness. Yep, I thought of that. Totally MY idea. From now on, let's all refer to male pattern baldness as the 'Doug'. (And if you play World of Wartime, you can call your hairless grenades 'Doug-nades'.)

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to go Doug my scrotum.

NWOPC PROTEST, NOVEMBER 12, 2009

I'm the one in short sleeves (I am a polar bear, after all).

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN LITERAL MUSIC VIDEOS

There are many other decent ones floating around out there (as well as many lame ones), but Dustin McLean and David Scott are not only the most prolific, but light years ahead of everyone else in terms of consistent LOL moments. These are my faves so far, in alphabetical order:

Head Over Heels--Dustin McLean
Some very good matching of parody lyrics with the lip-synching in places, except at the very end, where 'old guy' would have been a much better fit.


Loser--Dustin McLean
I think this one might actually be an improvement on the original song. It certainly makes more sense!

Loser: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

Love Is A Battlefield--David Scott
Easily one of the most preposterous videos ever, this one fittingly includes one of the most delightfully ridiculous LMV bits during the dance sequence. "Booby shake!"


One Week--David Scott
This one amazes me. There's just so much going on at such a fast pace, it is mind-boggling that everything could be made to fit the song so well. I love the exploding crotch.


Penny Lane--David Scott
As much as I hate to have to use that damn P-word, this one includes what is maybe the funniest moment in any LMV. You'll know it when you see it, it's totally 'random'.


Separate Ways--David Scott
"Steeeeeve...PERRY!"


Take On Me--Dustin McLean
The one that started it all, fittingly this was the first one I did at karaoke.


Total Eclipse Of The Heart--David Scott
This is the first one I saw, thanks to a tip from my karaoke comrade Rivers. One of the most definitive (and popular) LMVs.


Under The Bridge--Dustin McLean
This was going to be the first one I did at karaoke, but to my bumfuzzlement Doug & Micki don't have the video! How could that be?


White Wedding--Dustin McLean
"There is nothing safe in this room."


Honorable mention:
Video Killed The Radio Star--Phil Marriott
An entirely different definition of 'literal music video', this award-winner actually pre-dates all the others.

SOUNDALIKES

Heard the song "Falling Away From Me" by Korn on the radio today, and could not help thinking that (at least on this song) Jonathan Davis sounds a bit like Chris Griffin from "Family Guy".

DAILY SHOW, 11/5/2009

I've never seen Jon Stewart stay in character this long. Enjoy.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The 11/3 Project
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

HOW TO DO ORANGE RIGHT:



The Miami Dolphins are 3-0 in these unis. You'd think they'd wear them more often!

Our resident sports fashion critic, Mr. Coloredwell, discovered a weird sensory overload trick recently while watching a Tennessee Volunteers game: "The Vols also wear a nice juicy orange uniform, and I was swigging orange kool-aid while looking at those delicious jerseys. My eyes and my taste buds were sending totally harmonious signals to my brain. It was better than dropping orange sunshine acid! Fabulous! I plan to replay that orange Dolphins game while drinking Orange Crush soda. Just imagine what it must have been like to do that during a Broncos game in the 70s."

"The Monday night game just ended a while ago, and ohhhhh what I would give to be in the Dolphins locker room right now, sucking on one of those jerseys! Nummy nummy nummy!"

BTW the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are scheduled to wear their orange 'creamsicle' unis later this season. I hope Mr. C gets a room for that one.

I'M NOT DEAD

I've just been pining for the fjords. Anyway, Mr. Coloredwell insisted that I post something about the Broncos throwbacks.



I'm with Mr. Coloredwell on this, that's an awesome uni. [PS: I've got to get a pair of those socks! Alas, they're sold out for now.]

This of course sets up what might turn out to be the greatest throwback uniform matchup of all time, next Monday night, Denver at San Diego. Hawthorn Hawks lookalikes vs the good ol' powder blues. I cannot wait.

BTW, I'm adding Mr. Coloredwell's National Fashion League standings to the Pond, so's y'all can keep up.

C IS FOR [CENSORED]

Pay no attention to the video, it might ruin the joke for you. Just close your eyes, listen to the audio, and use your imagination.

RECAP OF MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND ROAD TRIP

Mind you, my birthday was 5 months ago, but judging by the lack of responses to the Andy Kaufman poll question, it seems hardly anyone is reading this blog these days anyway, so I figure I won't get any complaints about the tardiness of this recap.

The first leg was Toledo to South Bend to pick up my longtime pal Willie. Gave him a minor metrosexual makeover with a haircut and some new threads. I couldn't take him to the spy bar in Milwaukee with long gray hair and beard and overalls, looking like a homeless farmer. Went to a big & tall store in SB, found myself some nice new threads as well. Dark shirts with vertical stripes in my size. Hell yeah.

Next it was off to a traffic jam thru Chicago, then to the Red Dot for my second helping of poutine, which frankly wasn't quite as good as the first. Then to the spy-themed bar, the Safe House, in Milwaukee. Finally got to see the ejector seat in action, but had to wait an hour.

Then we checked out Milwaukee's karaoke scene. There doesn't seem to be much of one. Hit 2 very different bars, both stunk (Wisconsin isn't smoke-free yet) and both had hardly any decent singers. If they had been holding contests I would have won by a country mile. The first show was clearly a cheap startup operation run by amateurs, the second was clearly a legit pro operation. Amongst the dozen or so of my aces that I sang that night was "The Dance", which Willie associates with his late grandmother. I'm proud to say I nailed it so well that I made him cry.

Stayed at a motel outside of Milwaukee, then went to the Adler Planetarium in Chicago on Sunday. Paid $50 for the two of us to spend the afternoon checking out most of the featured shows, one of which was supposed to be in 3-D but was horribly out of sync. Complained to no avail. They could have at least given me a $10 refund. Fucking bastards. I will never go back. Wish we had gone to the Science & Industry Museum instead.

We were going to head home after that, but I just couldn't end my birthday on such a sour note. So I figured, since we were already in Chicago, why not head south and take care of some unfinished business from a few years ago?

Back in October 2002, I had to drive 7 hours to find clear, dark skies for the fantastic Leonid meteor storm. Wound up, oddly enough, near Toledo, Illinois. Afterwards I headed north to Chicago, but if I had gone about 60-90 minutes due west, I could have gone to Jack In The Box to see if their tacos were really similar to the BK tacos that came along that same year. I always regretted not doing that.

So here was my chance to right that wrong. It was a long drive through a stiff cross wind, but it was worth it. We arrived at the JITB in Litchfield at around 10pm CST, just in time for me to have JITB tacos for my birthday dinner. But I also had to try a few other things on the menu, because when am I going to get back to JITB again? So I fell way short of the 30 tacos needed to match the total from their "Stoner" ad.

There was only one thing to do: Get a motel room nearby, and go back for breakfast the next morning, combining our efforts to reach the magic number, which we did, and I brought back the 30 used paper sleeves as everlasting proof.

BTW, my final verdict: yes indeed, JITB tacos are almost exactly like the late great BK tacos. And they were worth the trip. But they're still not as good as El Tipico, so the results of the 2002 Taco War still stand. Although Del Taco is pretty damn good too. And cheap.

Spent most of Monday driving home, kept awake by gallons of McDonald's iced coffee and by my fear of wrecking my new wheels. The Bus performed magnificently throughout the entire trip, did everything I asked. He's such a good boy. Who's the Bus?!

On the other hand, my Magellan GPS unit, which I call Jelly for short, is a crazy bitch. She tried to kill me on the way home from South Bend. I asked her for the fastest route home avoiding toll roads, figuring she would send me along Route 20. Instead she kept sending me farther and farther north. Eventually I realized she was sending me to I-94 in Michigan!

About halfway to 94, I cancelled that route and instead asked for the shortest route home. She then sent me on a zigzag route through a maze of back roads in northeast Indiana. It was during this insane excursion in the middle of nowhere that my low fuel light came on! Fearing death at the hands of some insane backwoods redneck Hicksville Indiana rejected-extra-from-the-set-of-Deliverance farmer, I asked her for the nearest gas station. It was only 1.8 miles away to the east. Whew!

No, wait. That's 1.8 miles as the crow flies. In actual driving distance, it's about 6 miles west to the nearest I-80 entrance, then another 8 miles back east. I can only hope for a good time in the sack with the aforementioned psycho-farmer's daughter before he kills me.

Fortunately The Bus gets very good mileage and makes it the 6 miles west where I find a different but more expensive gas station where I get just enough to get to the cheaper one on I-80. From there I stay on the Turnpike and just barely manage to stay awake the rest of the way home.

X GAMES...ARE THEY X ENOUGH?

IMHO, not until they bring back street luge in the summer games, and especially not until they bring back super-modified shovel racing in the winter games.

SPOOKY

Went to Gino's Thursday night to have my late mom's favorite food, spaghetti, for dinner to honor her 73rd birthday. They give you a numbered sign when you order to put at your table so they know where to bring your food. The number I got: 73.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

STEVE DAHL PODCAST COMING SOON!

Our hero The Stever returns with a one-hour podcast every weekday starting September 8th!



For more info go to Dahl.com

Walter Cronkite spit in my food.

THE SCOTTISH STEVE DAHL OF LATE NIGHT TV

Craig Ferguson, for my money, is the best of the late night network TV talk shows these days.



He's the edgiest and most unpredictable of the current bunch, and he follows the traditional format as loosely as can be gotten away with.

Hey, who needs a monologue when you can lip-sync a funky dance song dressed like a cross between an Elvis impersonator and a 70s porn star, flanked by afro-topped dancers and cheap hand puppets?

IDIOTIC STAT DU JOUR

Those of you who follow the goings-on at Wimbledon know they have a new roof over Centre Court. Well, get a load of this: If you count up all the letters in the names of the players remaining in men's and women's singles draws as of today, the middle Sunday of the fortnight, the ten most common letters are A, D, E, I, L, N, O, R, S, and V, which can be rearranged to spell "RAIN SOLVED". Whoa.

I have way too much free time.

ED MCMAHON
1923-2009

The best sidekick Johnny, and ALF, could ever ask for. His laugh will echo through the ages.

Weird Al sang it best in his 1986 parody of El DeBarge's "Who's Johnny?":

There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line

"Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed McMahon's his name...all right

Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living

Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name

A very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name

TWO QUESTIONS:

Richard Petty standing in Victory Lane with a beer-sponsored car...isn't that one of the first signs of the apocalypse?

And if Richard's mom were still alive today, would she tell the press "Okay, you guys can call my son Dick again if you want"?

DO YOU NEED AN ENEMA?

Yep, that there is the title of my new parody song, based on Green Day's "Know Your Enemy". I premiered it this past Sunday at Claddagh's. I seem to have confused people with it. The response was rather...unsure. My karaoke komrade Bryan told me he thought it had too much stuff in it about asses and shit. Dude, what do you expect? It's a song about enemas!

I plan to perform it a few more times this week, come on out and see what you think of it. I should be at J.J.'s in Perrysburg on Thursday night, the Bier Stube on Friday night, and Buster Brown's in Maumee on Saturday night.

Or if you just want to read the lyrics and tell me if it rocks or sucks, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com

ON SECOND THOUGHT...

...I guess I should have written it as "Dredge Me Up When Katrina Ends".

MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry Calvin, but as we now know, the Curse of Mister Ed applies to jockeys too.

AN OPEN LETTER TO "ANDOG"

Re: Your postings of gas prices on ToledoGasPrices.com

Dear Sir,

STOP IT.

You know what I'm talking about. Your constant "REAL PRICE" comments you add to your price postings just because you can't be bothered to use REAL CASH. It is REAL STUPID and REAL ANNOYING to the rest of us who use the site, and you are just making yourself look like a REAL DOUCHEBAG. If you don't stop I will find you in REAL LIFE and shove your REAL CREDIT CARD up your REAL ASS! REALLY!

Again, STOP IT.

Sincerely,

--Ducksoup8253

I'LL SUE YA! (NOT!)

I emailed the folks at Smirnoff last week to suggest a new flavor, ruby red/sweet grapefruit. I'm sure they could put out something really good along those lines. Today I checked my inbox and found a long reply from someone named Richard that had the stink of the Smirnoff legal department all over it, explaining exhaustively how they don't take ideas or suggestions from outside the company. I was rather offended. Here's the gist of my reply:

"Spare me the legalese, Dick. I'm not looking to sue you guys for some cockamamie reason. My mother didn't raise me like that. All I'm saying is, hey, if you guys put out a grapefruit flavor I'll buy it. But thanks for assuming the worst. Sheesh. Maybe I should just stick to Diet Coke when I'm out at karaoke. --DJP"

21ST CENTURY BREAKDOWN

The new Green Day album...yep, it sounds a lot like American Idiot 2. But it's still damn good. Sounds great in The Bus. "Know Your Enemy" and "21 Guns" seem to be the tracks that are getting the big push, and both deserve it. I can also recommend the following tracks:

"Last Night On Earth"--Very John Lennon-esque ballad, sure to be a single down the road. Can't wait for the karaoke version.
"Peacemaker"--A fun track that I have to believe was at least partially influenced by Gogol Bordello. In fact, I'd love to hear Gogol B cover this.
"Last Of The American Girls"--Sure to get airplay at some point. Just a hint of Weezer.
"[upside-down question mark]Viva La Gloria? (Little Girl)"--Very Brechtian. Would make for an excellent mashup with The Doors' "Alabama Song". (Party Ben, I'm looking in your direction!)

THE CURSE OF MISTER ED STRIKES AGAIN

Still no Triple Crown winner since his death.

SUICIDAL DRINKING GAME DU JOUR

While watching Life After People (History Channel), whenever the narrator says "In the time of humans," you say "In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey" and do a shot. You will die of alcohol poisoning.

"Wow, what a lineup. But look at meeeee!"--The Flying Pig, from The Kids In The Hall

A text message from my friend Kat (I'm paraphrasing...or am I paratexting?):

"Some people said we'd have a black president when pigs flew...well, here we are, 100 days into Obama's presidency, and sure enough...SWINE FLU!

***

BTW, coming soon, my picks for the all-time greatest Don Martin sound effects. Stay tuned.

A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE

This is your brain:


This is Fox News:


This is your brain on Fox News:


Any questions?

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MARK "THE BIRD" FIDRYCH
1954-2009

Perhaps my favorite baseball player ever. I was lucky enough to get to see him pitch in person, back at The Ned against the Hens when he was with Pawtucket. I think every MLB pitcher playing tomorrow should tell their ball, "The Bird says goodbye."

We also bid farewell to legendary sportscaster Harry Kalas and legendary porn star Marilyn Chambers. You know those celeb deaths, they come in threes. Strange that this trio all had something to do with balls. One talked to them, one talked about them, and one sucked them.

No Fidrych, no Kalas, no Chambers, shit.

TUNA POT PIE

Does anyone reading this know of any restaurant in the Toledo area that serves a decent tuna pot pie? If so, email me at ducksoup2009@yahoo.com. Seriously.

Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but for some strange reason I really need some tuna pot pie. (Sure, I could make my own, but I'm a lazy sumbitch.)

THOUGHTS ON BILL O'REILLY AND SQUEAKY THE CHICAGO MOUSE
By Roger Ebert / April 7, 2009

To: Bill O'Reilly
From: Roger Ebert

Dear Bill: Thanks for including the Chicago Sun-Times on your exclusive list of newspapers on your "Hall of Shame." To be in an O'Reilly Hall of Fame would be a cruel blow to any newspaper. It would place us in the favor of a man who turns red and starts screaming when anyone disagrees with him. My grade-school teacher, wise Sister Nathan, would have called in your parents and recommended counseling with Father Hogben.

Yes, the Sun-Times is liberal, having recently endorsed our first Democrat for President since LBJ. We were founded by Marshall Field one week before Pearl Harbor to provide a liberal voice in Chicago to counter the Tribune, which opposed an American war against Hitler. I'm sure you would have sided with the Trib at the time.

I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that "very few" readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, "many more complained about Nancy." I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that "wow" was "mom" spelled upside-down.

Your column ran in our paper while it was owned by the right-wing polemicists Conrad Black (Baron Black of Coldharbour) and David Radler. We dropped it to save a little money after they looted the paper of millions. Now you call for an advertising boycott. It is unusual to observe a journalist cheering for a newspaper to fail. At present the Sun-Times has no bank debt, but labors under the weight of millions of dollars in tax penalties incurred by Lord Black, who is serving an eight-year stretch for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. We also had to pay for his legal expenses.

There is a major difference between Conrad Black and you: Lord Black is a much better writer and thinker, and authored a respected biography about Roosevelt, who we were founded to defend. That newspapers continue to run your column is a mystery to me, since it is composed of knee-jerk frothings and ravings. If I were an editor searching for a conservative, I wouldn't choose a mad dog. My recommendation: The admirable Charles Krauthammer.

Bill, I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician?

That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: "Raise the bridge! I have an erection!"

HAIL TO THE QUEEF

I can't believe one of my unused band names popped up in last night's South Park:

"The Great Barrier Queef"

I am truly honored. And a little disgusted.

ALF CUP 2009

The ALF Cup scoring system underwent another major overhaul for this season, and so far it's working quite well. Only new (or new-to-me) episodes are scored, and each episode is scored by itself on a scale of 0 to 10 (10 being best). A minimum of 6 episodes is needed for a show's average score to count in the official standings. So this is about as close to the traditional ratings system as I can get.

The season is well underway, but I was waiting until ten shows had aired at least 6 episodes each before posting the current standings. And in scoring the first '10' of the season last night, former champ Family Guy has vaulted into the top spot. Here's the standings after the first 12 weeks:

1. Family Guy, FOX, 7.833
2. Look Around You, TOON, 7.000
2. Nitro Circus, MTV, 7.000
4. The Rick Mercer Report, CBC, 6.889
5. Important Things, COM, 6.714
6. The Whitest Kids U'Know, IFC, 6.667
7. This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC, 6.111
8. Wilfred, IFC, 5.286
9. American Dad, FOX, 4.889
10. Lost, ABC, 4.364

Yeah, I know. This is all really pathetic. Shoot bullets through me. But a hobby's a hobby.

TODAY'S ADVICE

Never make fun of people in wheelchairs. Always tip them out first.

IT'S OFFICIAL...I HAVE A MOONROOF

After many discussions with many acquaintances, I had to look up the difference, and since the panel in the roof of The Bus is see-through, and a sunroof is opaque, what I have is a moonroof. Although there's also an inside panel I have to open first in order to get to the moonroof, and I suppose you could consider that panel a sunroof, so maybe I have both. But if that's the case, then my sunroof 'eclipses' my moonroof, which really doesn't seem right.

In any case, I still don't see how I'm supposed to moon people through the thing, especially while I'm driving. I simply do not bend that way!

MAYBE IT'S GENE WILDER?

Is it just me, or does RNC Chairman Michael Steele look like a white guy wearing shoe polish?

DON'T GIVE ME THAT DO GOODY GOOD BULLSHIT

If there was any doubt left in anyone's mind that Toledo radio is dead, allow me to now erase it for you...

The other day I heard WXKR edit the 'shit' out of "Money" by Pink Floyd.

NO, repeat, NO self-respecting classic rock station edits the 'shit' out of "Money" or the 'fuck' out of "Who Are You" by The Who. Regardless of the FCC's mood on any given day, those are the two songs you leave alone.

BTW, don't forget to call your representatives in Washington, DC and demand the reinstatement of the Fairness Doctrine. Clear Channel and Cumulus are evil, and they must be stopped.

INTRODUCING...

My new steed, a 2003 Saturn Vue:


(That's not mine in the photo, but that's what it looks like)

To quote MST3K: "It's black and demonic and it spreads darkness and death...cool!"

It was previously owned by someone in Pittsburgh (a Steelers fan, I'm sure) so it needed a good Steeler-related nickname. At first I thot old-school, Franco, Mean Joe, etc. But then I went with a more recent reference: Ladies and germs, say hello to THE BUS! I'm thinking maybe some Steeler Gold racing stripes, but I dunno, do racing stripes work on an SUV?

Altho someone at work thot it looked like a hearse. I'm good with that too. (An SUH?) I might have to put those squiggly things on the sides. It'll be the coolest hearse since the Jaguar hearse in "Harold And Maude" (or the psychedelic hearse in "Grand Theft Parsons").

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT OF THE FISHNET STOCKINGS...THEY PULL ME BACK IN AGAIN!

The top 5 finalists in the karaoke contest were all female. Need I say more?

I guess for the next contest, I'll have to show up in drag.

89 COINKY-DINKS? I DON'T THINK SO!

Recently I got an email from someone in a band thanking me for the band name he found on my list of Unused Band Names, "Death By Papercut". I Googled it to see if I could find a website or a Myspace page for them, and to my dismay, I found another band using the name. I then realized I needed to Google all 560 band names on my Unused list to see how many others were being used without my knowledge. It's taken me about a week, and I ended up moving a whopping 89 band names from the Unused to the Used list. Yikes.

The majority of them had Myspace Music pages (which is the one thing Myspace is actually good for [and I know that's bad grammar right there, but screw it]), which makes it extremely hard for me to believe that they all got their names independent of my list!

I've never expected any compensation or credit for the names, but the least these folks could have done is let me know they were being used! All I've ever really wanted is for the names to be put to use, and to hear what the bands who end up using them sound like. So as soon as I gather all the links to these newly-discovered Used band names, I'll have them all posted over on unusedbandnames.blogspot.com.

The latest two additions came just this morning, when I got emails from band members wanting to use "The Little Red Wagon Repairmen" and "Samurai Sausage". So the Unused count is down to 471, and here's hoping they all eventually end up being used. (Heck, if Perry Farrell finds the list, they'll all be gone in no time...that guy goes through band names like Shake-N-Bake bags!)

***

In other news, Elliott Smith's creepy mug continues to stare at me from several of the Urge music channels. (I had previously wondered if he owned or was screwing whomever owned it, but apparently he's dead, so never mind.) It's going to give me nightmares at some point. I haven't been this creeped out by something staring at me since the VAB Building!*

*Note: The reference to the VAB Building is an inside joke. The tallest building in South Bend, Indiana used to be called the Valley American Bank Building, and it had "VAB" in large, friendly red letters at the top. (It has since changed hands once or twice and is now called the Chase Tower.) And whenever I visited my friend Willie over there, the VAB Building, which is said to be visible from everywhere in the city, was also visible from just about every window in Willie's house. Or at least every window I sat by. Every time I glanced out a window, there was "VAB" staring down at me, which started to really freak me out. Then after I'd come back home, and I'd talk to Willie on the phone, he'd easily scare the shit out of me by telling me the VAB Building was coming to get me. Yes, I was a grown man, scared of a building. I'm telling you, it was that creepy. (Good thing I haven't seen it lately, or I'd worry that, with "Chase" in large, friendly blue letters on top, that it's going to "Chase" me!)

A P.S. FROM MR. COLOREDWELL

I wonder when we're going to see pink NFL uniforms for breast cancer awareness???

MR. COLOREDWELL PRESENTS THE NFL'S BEST- AND WORST-DRESSED FOR 2008

Hi there! Mr. C here, one more time this season, to give you the full rundown of the 2008 National Fashion League (tee-hee) final standings! (Sorry, but I won't bother including pics as it'll slow the page loading. If you don't already know what they look like, you can easily find pics on your own.)

1-Pittsburgh Steelers-19-0
The reigning world champs were also the champs in my Best-Dressed competition. They might have lost to the Giants if they hadn't worn their excellent throwback unis with the pretty gold helmets that week. Their regular unis are perfect except that they need to change back to block numbers a la Iowa.

2-Green Bay Packers-15-1
Their only loss was on the road at Chicago. If they had hosted the Steelers this season, they could have won the whole Best-Dressed enchilada. They do everything right. Their look hasn't really changed since the Lombardi era, and why should it?

3-Carolina Panthers-15-2
I LOVE the light blue trim. They should use more of it. A good look all around...the all-white look is a little plain, but in black (or the occasional light blue) jerseys, practically unbeatable.

4-Cleveland Browns-14-2
Like Carolina, too plain-looking in all-white, but in brown, yummy. A good classic look. But they ought to bring back their 70s orange pants, and Brownies, PLEASE, put a logo on that helmet. Something. Anything!

5-San Francisco 49ers-13-3
How could I not be partial to an SF team? I'm not crazy about the raised numbers, I much prefer the 80s throwbacks, but still a good look and a great color combo. And if you tweak the color settings on your TV just right, the red and gold becomes magenta and beige. Fabulous!

6-New York Giants-13-4
Now here's a team that went retro and stayed there. I love it. It's a little weird that they wear blue at home but then go with a lot of red trim on the road, but both looks are good, so I can't complain.

7-Kansas City Chiefs-12-4
Beautiful colors, and the shiny red pants on the road are to die for! One suggestion: How about gold pants at home like Pittsburgh and Green Bay? With the red jerseys, it'd make Mickey D envious. Mustard and ketchup...I'm special-saucing in my undies just thinking about it!

8-New York Jets-12-4
Another team that went retro, must be a New York thing. But they might want to go back to the lighter Kelly green. Also they should always be in both green and white, home or road. Never all-white (bo-ring!) and definitely not all-green!

9-Miami Dolphins-11-6
Better than most, but still needs some tweaks. Too much white, the aqua is okay, and WAY too little orange. The Fish didn't sport their orange jerseys at all this year, and I was heartbroken. It might be the best orange jersey in the league!

10-Chicago Bears-10-6
In most cases I don't tolerate non-block numbers, but Da Bears are grandfathered (or Papa-Beared) in because theirs are classics. Their only mistake is going all-white on the road. Dark pants is another no-no of mine, but again Da Bears are the exception. The '85 Bears had navy-blue road pants, and '85 Bears are always right.

11-Washington Redskins-10-6
The advice I gave to the Jets I also give to the 'Skins. Never go all-white or all-burgundy. Always combine the two. Or...gold pants are always a good idea. They wore them in Super Bowl VII, and it worked.

12-Oakland Raiders-10-6
The Raidahs have never changed, nor should they. Black and white can be boring (espesh the road white) but they accentuate with those gorgeous silver pants. Shiny!

13-Detroit Lions-10-6
The only thing they have right is their uniforms! Their Thanksgiving throwbacks are always delicious. Of course, their actual play will make you puke, but on this list it's better to look good than to play good.

14-San Diego Chargers-11-7
ATTENTION CHARGERS: ALWAYS WEAR YOUR POWDER BLUE JERSEYS WHENVER POSSIBLE. IF YOU MUST WEAR WHITE JERSEYS ON THE ROAD, GET SOME POWDER BLUE PANTS TO GO WITH THEM. LOSE THE DARK BLUE. I'll let you slide on your non-block number font, it works for you. But PLEASE, POWDER BLUE ALWAYS!

15-Indianapolis Colts-10-7
Good classic look, the blue jerseys at home in your giant toaster of a stadium, very nice. But on the road in all-white, bleah. You look like Penn State. And that is not a good thing.

16-Buffalo Bills-8-8
The best part of their uni is their red socks (Tweak your TV color just right and they get this freaky two-tone effect, pink on the left and purple on the right, no matter which way they're facing! Mind-fry!). But when the socks are your best feature, you got uni probs. All-dark-blue is bad, and the blue shoulders on the white jerseys are hideous.

17-Dallas Cowboys-8-8
Don't get me wrong, I HATE Dallas. But at least their regular home unis are okay...I do like the metallic blue pants. Their throwbacks are not the best but they could be worse. The road blues still look like the LA Express. Only time they looked good in blue was Super Bowl V.

18-Tennessee Titans-8-9
I should drop them 10-12 spots just for that towel-stomping bullshit. Hate the numbers almost as much as I hate the team. They started 5-0 only because they kept playing even uglier teams. How to make light blue look bad: Wear it head-to-toe in a Monday night game. Can you say 'pajamas'?

19-Tampa Bay Buccaneers-7-9
Ah yes, the Pirates of Pewter Pants. Except the only time those pants look good is with their red jerseys which make the red stripe down the legs really pop. But even then, I still long for the old creamsicle look.

20-New Orleans Saints-6-10
In terms of how they dressed, the Saints were the Aints this year. I saw them in their gold pants at least once, so I know those weren't lost during Katrina. They should have worn them every week. And gold jerseys once in a while (a la Winnipeg) would be neat. But all-black? Ick.

21-St Louis Rams-6-10
Not the worst unis, but compared to how they used to dress in the 70s, 80s and 90s...ugh. Plus, WHAT THE HELL is with that horrifying home turf of theirs?! No team looks good on that puke-fest! Switch back to your old unis by all means, but first things first: FIX THE TURF!!!

22-Minnesota Vikings-6-11
Another team that used to dress better. Another team that would look really cool in gold pants. Love the purple, hate everything else. Classic case of Nike-spooge down their sides (easily the worst fashion trend in football).

23-Houston Texans-5-11
Bad colors. They ruin what is otherwise an acceptable uni. They looked okay in all-red (tho a tad pajama-ish) on a Monday night, otherwise...yawn. Maybe red pants every game might help.

24-Atlanta Falcons-5-12
Ugh. Bad numbers, inconsistent color scheme, and Nike-spooge on the pants. Even the Dirty Bird-era unis were better. But they should really go back to the Bartkowski era, including red helmets.

25-Denver Broncos-4-12
Just like Tampa did at the same time in the mid 90s, Denver went from one of the best unis ever, the Orange Crush, to one of the worst ever. How to make orange look bad: use it as Nike-spooge down your sides. And those numbers are just stupid.

26-Cincinnati Bengals-4-12
Another way to make orange look bad. The Bungles keep using ever-worsening variations on an already-awful theme. Those atrocious helmets that look like varicose pumpkins continue to induce vomiting.

27-Philadelphia Eagles-4-15
Give me their Jaworski look over their McNabb look any day. The numbers are horrible, the darker green is horrible, espesh on the pants, and the alternate black jerseys don't help. Until they change, it'll never be sunny in Philadelphia. (Then again, at least they didn't wear the throwbacks they wore last year!)

28-Arizona Cardinals-4-16
One of the worst cases of Nike-spooge in the league, and what happened to their numbers? They look like they got shrinky-dinked. Who'd think that in the heat of the desert, you could fall victim to shrinkage?

29-Seattle Seahawks-3-13
Pick a REAL fucking color, would you please? "Gun Metal Blue" (UGH!) is NOT a real color! Either go back to regular blue, green and silver, or at least use more of the bright green that is nearly undetectable as trim. It worked for the Orlando Thunder!

30-Baltimore Ravens-2-17
How to make purple look even worse than in Minnesota right now. Absolutely horrible uniforms. Ugly numbers, ugly helmet with ugly logo, ugly black pants on the road, an ugly color scheme (even with the purple included), plus we just plain hate their hideously-dressed guts.

31-Jacksonville Jaguars-1-15
A product of what was by far the worst sports fashion trend of the 90s: Expansion teams wearing black and teal. All the same faux pas as Baltimore: Ugly numbers, helmet, logo, black road pants and colors. And the teal jerseys look ghastly when sweat-stained.

32-New England Patriots-1-15
What's not to hate about the Cheaters? The colors, the numbers, the logo...you name it, they make it look disgusting. The only outfit uglier is anything Belichick wears! Not just Brady, but the whole rest of the team, players, coaches and staff, ought to have their legs broken for dressing like this. Now that would be karmic payback!

Well that's it for this year, darlings. Let's hope for more throwbacks and less Nike-spooge next season! Buh-bye!

SB43 P.S.

Kudos to the Blade's Dave Hackenberg and ESPN's Chris Mortensen for picking the final score of the Super Bowl exactly right.

Mr. Coloredwell is working on his final review of 2008 NFL fashion. Give him a little extra time, I think the Pro Bowl uniforms made his crying time come a little early last night.

THOUGHTS I HAD WHILE RE-WATCHING SUPER BOWL XLIII ON DVR

...and other thoughts I had while actually watching it live at a party but was too busy partying to jot down.

Actually one of my favorite moments of the day was during the pre-game Obama interview when Lauer asks about the Blackberry. I loved the Prez's deadpan, matter-of-fact "It turns into a car." How freakin' cool is this guy?

6:15--Faith Hill LIP-SYNCHING "America The Beautiful". Isn't the actual national anthem bad enough? Do we really need a 2nd?

6:16--One of the added bonuses of wireless microphones: No need to run all those wires out there to fake like they're not Milli Vanilli-ing it. You can just set up a mic stand and a dead mic now and nobody's the wiser. The mic could be made of chocolate for all we know!

6:17--Sully and the crew of Flight 1549 get a well-deserved round of applause. WTG folks!

6:19--Jennifer Hudson's turn to LIP-SYNC. Bleah. She's gotten way too skinny. Where's the badonkadonk? Egad. Not only is she over-singing it on the tape, but she's actually over-lip-synching too! My lack of god I fucking HATE HATE HATE American Idol! The *ONLY* good thing to ever come out of that travesty is that retarded Chinese dude ("She bangs! She bangs!").

6:21--Sheesh, I can see her back teeth. Oh, and then she ends by fake-panting like she's just SOOOOO out of breath after that. COME THE FUCK *ON*!!! Too bad she wasn't in that house when the bullets were flying. (What, is that too harsh? Fuck you, it's what I do.)

6:27--Gen. Petra-e-i-e-i-o-us does the weakest coin toss I've ever seen. John McCain could've tossed it higher with his bad arm! (Best coin toss of the year: the one that bounced off Brian Urlacher's helmet. Doink!)

6:33--Long completion from Big Ben to Hines Ward. Injuries, bah! My Steelers shake off injuries like a bad case of fleas!

6:38--Apparent Big Ben TD is challenged by Ken Whisen-Cunt. Whis is just being a dick because Ben didn't want him as head coach.

6:39--First commercial break. The Ad Bowl begins! Bud Light. Guy gets thrown out of a window. They're kind of ripping off their own gag, remember the satin sheets? Then a movie ad (yawn) and a car ad (yawn). Movie and car ads during the SB always suck.

6:42--TD overturned. This is just revenge for 3 years ago.

6:43--FG Steelers, 3-0.

6:44--Pepsi "Forever Young". Rather hokey and at times outright stupid. Shrek is the new Gumby? Maybe. But Will.I.Am (ugh, what a lame stage name) is the new Dylan and Jack Black is the new Belushi? PUH-LEEEEEEEEZE! Give me a large personal break with pepperoni.

6:45--Doritos "Crystal Ball". The guy grabbing the bags out of the vending machine has no acting skill. Otherwise a good job guys. I was pleasantly surprised when this ad beat Budweiser in Ad Meter XXI. And to think this ad cost only 2 grand. (For slightly less than that I could have gone to the game. And I guess I should have. Pardon me while I kick myself yet again.)

7:01--That was a quick first quarter.

7:02--Bridgestone ad with the Potato Heads. Cute. Funny.

7:03--Castrol "Grease Monkeys". Hot monkey love. Eeww. Castrol: The #1 bestiality lube?

7:06--Doritos 2nd ad. This was my pick for best commercial. Crunch gives man superpowers, until he runs out of chips and gets hit by a bus. I'm glad Doritos won, but they should have won for THIS one!

7:07--GoDaddy "Danica In Shower". Oy. I really wish she'd stop acting like a whore and just drive. How are we supposed to take her seriously? And let's be honest, she lucked out in the Japan race. Win or no win, looks like she's still the Anna Kournikova of auto racing.

7:08--TD Steelers! 10-0.

7:09--Pepsi Max "I'm Good". After the last Doritos ad, this pales in comparison.

7:10--Pedigree "Exotic Pets". Good tag line. "Maybe you should get a dog" to promote their adoption drive. For their next ad, how about some Obama family lookalikes?

7:11--Budweiser "Fetch". I was shocked by this. Usually when Bud has the first spot of the game, they run this sort of pandering cutey-cutey Clydesdale crap and easily win the Ad Meter with it. Instead they went with the standard slapstick. And got out-slapsticked!

7:12--Budweiser "Clydesdale Love". Again, they were too late with the pandering crap. I still expected one of these to win. Glad I was wrong.

7:18--TD Arizona. 10-7. Ruh roh. I was hoping for a good old-fashioned SB blowout.

7:23--Cars.com "Overachiever". Bad idea using the MasterCard voiceover guy. Kept waiting for the "Priceless" tag line. (I recently learned that's Billy Crudup from "Almost Famous". He had a better tag line in that: "I'm on drugs!")

7:34--Hyundai "Angry Competitors". "Win one little award and suddenly everyone gets your name right. It's Hyundai, like 'Sunday'. Say what? Who the fuck still doesn't know how to pronounce it? Don't call me a gourd-head!

7:35--E-Trade "More Talking Babies". Ugh. Okay, we get it, talking baby/animal visual effects are really cool now. It's been about 5 years now, we fucking get it already!!! What you guys don't seem to get is that talking babies are still creepy!

7:41--Tip drill! Big Ben's pass is tipped and picked. Tipped passes are almost always picked. I hate when that happens.

7:42--Teleflora "Boxed Flowers". Talking flowers, on the other hand, especially when hurling insults, are damn funny as it turns out. "Go home to your romance novels and your fat, smelly cat!" This ad should have finished much higher in the standings.

7:43--Leno at 10 promo. NBC: The first ENTIRE network to jump the shark! The long, gradual Melmackian curse ALF put on them when they cancelled him is now entering its final stages.

7:49--The momentum shift in the game at this point, from Pitt to 'Zona, is palpable. Not good.

7:50--After I've had a few Smirnoff Ices, my niece Melissa asks me if I'm buzzing yet. She thinks my eyes are red enough that I am, but it takes a lot more than Smirnoff Ice to get me even the slightest buzz.

7:51--James Harrison's epic 100-yard INT return! WOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!! I leap up to celebrate and get a bit of a head rush. Okay Missy, NOW I'm buzzing!!! And the mo instantly shifts back. 17-7.

7:55--And like every great (and indisputable) play in this game, it takes 4-5 minutes to review it and make it official. Bit of a buzzkill, zebras.

8:06--Here comes Bruce...his addressing the home viewers is a good, funny start. No lip-synching here. Go Bruce!

8:10--"10th Avenue Freeze Out" and "Born To Run" bring my buzz back.

8:18--Having the ref come out and throw the 'delay of game' flag is another nice touch.

8:19--Ol' Bruce is still one of the best in the biz. Great performance. Sure as hell beats Up With People.

8:47--Big Ben has done some fantastic scrambling tonight. At times he puts Fran Tarkenton to shame. (Though not as much as "That's Incredible".)

8:57--FG Steelers. 20-7. Largest deficit overcome to win SB: 10 points. I'm feeling good about this.

8:58--Careerbuilder.com with the most annoying ad of the night. Can you say 'too much repetition'? "And a partridge in a pear tree". Make it stop! BEEP!!!

9:06--Usama Young's "Snow Cone Story". These NFL story ads are not a good idea. If you're at a loud SB party, you can't hear the story.

9:16--Hyundai (How is that pronounced again? I'm stoopid). Ah yes, the Hyundai "Assurance" Program. If you lose your job, you have Hyundai's "Assurance" that they will REPOSSESS YOUR CAR! Gee thanks, Hyundai, I feel so...assured. Yeesh.

9:17--Coke Zero "Polamalu Parody". Coming into the game, this was my favorite to win. And it was very good, very funny, but I felt it could have been better and funnier somehow. Doritos set the bar pretty high.

9:18--Cash4gold "McMahon and Hammer". Sad and pathetic. Hammer's an idiot, I expect this from him. But Ed? Oh, Eddie Mac, how could you? I may have to put him on my death team after this.

9:23--Vizio. The lowest-scorer in Ad Meter this year, and for good reason. Nothing but prick-waving. Please don't spooge all over my TV, thank you.

9:25--TD Arizona. 20-14. Eep. Bad mo shift.

9:26--Hulu "Alec Baldwin". Ick. Ever since that voicemail, he creeps me out. Ick. Even malevolent aliens bent on world domination and turning people's brains to mush don't call their daughters pigs. Ick. Go away now. Ick. You and your greasy hair. Ick.

9:33--Pepsi "McGruber". Painfully unfunny parody. Why was I not surprised to learn it's from SNL?

9:43--Almost a safety. Yikes.

9:44--Great throw and catch, but...holding. Safety. 20-16. More mo shift. I have a bad feeling about this.

9:48--TD Arizona. 20-23. Their first lead. Now I'm PISSED.

9:49--Fitzgerald watched himself on the jumbo vision while he ran. Seems a tad narcissistic.

9:51--Well, here we go. 2:30 left and 78 yards to go. Now or never. C'mon guys, do it for Myron Cope...

9:52--Ben scrambles again, dumps off to "Waltzing" Mewelde Moore. Holding penalty. Now 2:24 left and 88 yards to go. Oy. Ben scrambles again, completes to former Buckeye Santonio Holmes for 14 yards. Quick snap before the warning, incomplete. 1:56 left, 74 yards to go.

9:55--3rd and 6. Complete to Holmes. Move the chains. Tick tick tick. Complete to Toledo Scott's own Nate Washington. Move the chains. Tick tick tick.

9:56--Ben scrambles to the 'Zona 46. Timeout, 1:02 to go.

9:57--Andrea Kremer sideline report. The realization strikes me that she and Suzy Kolber are the female equivalent of Dave Despain and Gary Lee. I cannot tell them apart.

9:58--2nd and 6. Complete, Santonio runs it to the 5! O-H! I-O! Timeout, :49 left.

9:59--1st and goal. Pass to Holmes in the left corner, incomplete.

10:00--2nd and goal. Pass to Holmes in the right corner, behind 3 defenders...

There was only one way to top the Manning-to-Tyree play from last year...and the Steelers found it! Talk about extension! Greatest catch in SB history.

And like the "Levitating Leap" and the "Circus Catch", this one needs a good, catchy (pun intended) nickname for all eternity, and I think I have it, because the winning catch by the first Buckeye SB MVP gives it a whole new meaning:

"HANG ON SLOOPY!"

10:02--Review confirms it. 27-23. :35 left.

10:09--After a few anti-climactic plays, game over. Six-burgh!

10:11--Everyone who worked on the NBC sound crew during this game should be FIRED IMMEDIATELY. I lost count of how many times the sound cut out completely or Michaels and Madden sounded like they were using tin cans and string.

10:20--Namath brings out the trophy. He seems sober tonight. If I'm wrong, Andrea Kremer better run and hide. Or is it Suzy Kolber? Whichever.

10:26--Roethlisberger is the shiznit. You gotta love that kid. I remember watching the '04 draft, hoping that as that year's 'plummeting pick' he would fall into the Steelers' lap. (And it was deja vu for me, because the same thing had happened a few years before with Rod Woodson, who just got inducted into the HOF. Now I know I'm getting old.)

10:30--Andrea with James Harrison. Her first question should have been "Have you gotten your breath back yet?"

10:34--Matt Millen's postgame comments. I must give a big shout-out and huge kudos to WDIV, Ch. 4 in Detroit, for running the following crawl every time Millen appeared on screen Sunday:

"Matt Millen was president of the Lions for the worst eight-year run in the history of the NFL. Knowing his history with the team, is there a credibility issue as he now serves as an analyst for NBC Sports? Will Detroit fans ever forgive him for turning the Lions into the worst team in football?"

Way to go WDIV! You guys are awesome!

10:38--Interview with loser QB Kurt Warner. Already in a suit and tie. WTF? Is he on his way to a board meeting? (And I notice he makes no mention of his imaginary boyfriend God when he loses.)

10:40--Costas is right with this closing comment about the 6-time champs, "who now rank perhaps as the model franchise in all of American sports." And good night from Tampa!

And let's not forget...the last one was for my late brother Louie. This one was for the late great Myron Cope! Til next season, keep your Terrible Towels waving! Sextuple YOI!

WTG STEELERS!!!!!!

IN THE NAME OF COPE


THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS POLKA

MONARCHS RULE!

If you missed it Tuesday night, check your local PBS listings for this week's episode of Nova, "The Incredible Journey Of The Butterflies", all about my lifelong friends, the Monarchs. It is a truly awe-inspiring, touching and beautifully-produced hour.

Remaining local air times in the Toledo-BG area:
Sunday 1am on WGTE-30
Sunday 5pm on WBGU-57
Sunday 7pm on WGTE-30

And remember our little three-legged pal Earnhardt from last September that my friend Lori took all those neat pics of? Well I think I spotted him in one of the shots from one of the winter sanctuaries. He made it to Mexico! (Oh sure, sue me for wishful thinking.)

YET ANOTHER SUICIDAL DRINKING GAME
(Originally posted 12/17/08)

If you have the Urge music channels on Buckeye Cable, go to channel 747-Dream Sequence or 748-Acoustic Chill, and whenever Elliott Smith's picture is shown during another artist's song, do a shot. You will die of alcohol poisoning.

PS: If you see his pic on any other Urge channel, do 2 shots. And if they actually play a song by Elliott Smith, CHUG!

QUESTIONNAIRE REMIX

A couple of years ago I tried something my friend Noel told me about, a questionnaire in which you put your music player of choice on random and answer the questions in order with whichever songs come up. I happened upon the original while researching my blog archives, and decided to give it another go. Below are the results.

1. What's my mood like right now?
Heresy--Nine Inch Nails

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me?
I Live In A Split Level Head--Napoleon XIV

3. What kind of person am I?
Salty Dog--Procol Harum

4. Am I loved?
Daves I Know--Bruce McCulloch

5. How can I achieve my highest potential?
Hit In The Head By A Brick--Henry Phillips

6. What should I do with my life?
Goose Step Mama--The Rutles

7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end?
Go Your Own Way--Dirty Power

8. What is my best quality?
Overlove--Dio

9. How does my sex life look?
Razor Love--Neil Young

10. What's the meaning of life?
Comfortably Numb--Luther Wright And The Wrongs

11. What do people think of me?
Across The Universe--Laibach

12. Would I make a good catch?
You Have AIDS--Family Guy

13. How crazy am I?
Du Hast--Rammstein

14. Will I have a good life in general?
I've Been Everywhere--Hank Snow

15. Can (insert YOUR name here) ever really love me?
Polk Salad Annie--Tony Joe White

16. Can me and (insert YOUR name here) ever be more than friends?
The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary--Frank Zappa

17. What's going to happen to me this week?
The Rising--Bruce Springsteen

18. Where will I be a year from now?
Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, BBQ, Barber Shop, Laundromat--Trent Willmon

19. What is my biggest wish?
A Woman In Love--Stevans

20. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment?
Witchi Tai To--Jim Pepper
(Note: This song is a peyote chant)

21. How will I die?
Hot Potato Mouth--Steve Dahl

22. What will happen after I die?
Tunak Tunak Tun--Daler Mehndi

23. How do my friends feel about me?
Total Entertainment--Pansy Division

AT LAST

My favorite part of the inaug speech was when he said "We are a nation of christians and muslims, jews and hindus...and non-believers." Finally, an acknowledgement! Why, that hasn't happened since...well, since they wrote the 1st amendment! Altho I was never crazy about the wording there, you know, "lack of religion"...as tho it were like a vitamin deficiency.

But anyway that was cool to hear. Maybe it's the first step toward folks like me no longer being treated like 2nd-class citizens.

For the first time in my adult life, I am not completely ashamed to be a U.S. citizen.

KEITH OLBERMANN SPECIAL COMMENT: WHY OBAMA MUST PROSECUTE BUSH'S TORTURE

I could not have said it better myself:

YOI!

Go Steelers! Win this one for Myron!

"BE SEEING YOU"

(Click here to see all 17 episodes of the original series)

THIS POST HAS 2 VIDEO CLIPS

A couple of great bits from last night's installment of This Hour Has 22 Minutes. Enjoy!

FUGGLY


CUBA'S REVOLUTION TURNS 50

BONUS ANALOGY

RE: Corner Gas debacle

One more way to put it: Using a telescope to watch a meteor shower is like trying to watch an Imax movie through a pinhole.

BTW, thanks again to Mr. Coloredwell for yesterday's football fashion review. (I think he's a little light in the cleats.)

Today on the Duck Pond, we welcome back our guest columnist and favorite football fashionista...

MR. COLOREDWELL'S 2008-09 BEST-DRESSED AND WORST-DRESSED BOWL TEAMS

Hi there! Mr. Coloredwell here, ready to give you my review of the latest in college football fashions! I had a peeky-boo of all 34 bowl games, and in between barfing my lungs out, I jotted down notes on all 68 teams. (68: You do me and I'll owe you one! LOL) I must say, a lot of the current football fashion trends are REALLY testing my gag reflex!

First let me blow some kisses to the top 10 best-dressed teams:

1. Iowa

Beautiful black-and-gold PERFECTION! I beg you, Steelers, go back to block numbers! The Hawkeyes are putting you to shame!

2. Ohio State

Okay, I'm being a homer here, but fact is the Buckeyes have always sported an excellent football uni. Hit 'em high, hit 'em low, let Woody hit Bo!

3. East Carolina

Purple from head to toe...Gogol Bordello would love it! Avast ye mateys, the Pirates can ransack my booty anytime!

4. Oregon State

A very B.C. Lions-ish look. Beautiful juicy orange jerseys! I could just suck the juice out of all of 'em! The jerseys, silly, not the Beavers! Ew, gross!

5. Louisiana Tech

Terry Bradshaw's alma mater sported a nice classic uniform, sort of like what the Buffalo Bills wore a few years ago. The helmet logo is cute too.

6. Rutgers

No nappy-headed hos are they, the Knights put a neat new spin on scarlet. No offense, Buckeyes.

7. Clemson

Speaking of Woody hitting...LOL. Clemson wore a nice head-to-toe orange, though also not quite as juicy as Oregon State.

8. Fresno State

Head-to-toe red. Not a bad look, although any time a team wears a brighter color head-to-toe they can tend to look like pajamas. Still, I could go for a pajama party in Fresno!

9. TCU

Texas Christian...there's 2 icky-scary words! But their black-and-purple unis were scary without being icky. Northwestern's on the phone, they want their old look back!

10. LSU

Mind you, I'm still miffed at them from last year, but they do have a nice combo of the Packers look with the Vikings colors.

Honorable mention: USC

I can't forget the Trojans, now can I? Perhaps this is a 'safe' choice (grin), but it's another classic look that even O.J. couldn't kill.

And now, the other end of the spectrum, the 5 worst-dressed college bowl teams of the year:
(Of course, in any other year, Michigan would top the worst-dressed list, but they didn't go to a bowl game this year did they? Nyeah nyeah! LOOOOOsers!)

1. Cincinnati

Of all the uniform fashion trends I hate the most, the Bearcats are wearing them all! Black pants, ick. Head-to-toe black, ick. Stupid-looking non-block numbers, ick. Last and least those disgusting tapered swooshes that a lot of teams are wearing lately that all look like the Nike logo spooged all over them! (Like it isn't bad enough seeing the actual logo on half the teams!) Cincy, do us all a favor and burn those monstrosities! I'd rather see you play naked! (Bare-cats, anyone?)

2. Penn State

The Jimmie Johnson of football unis. Yawn. BOR-ING! Vanilla! Generic! Double yawn! You have a logo, use it! I've seen peewee teams that dress better! I'm sure you folks can afford something nice. Stop slumming it! You look like the Guards from the original "Longest Yard". Who designed those unis, the Dharma Initiative?!

3. Hawaii

Oh, excuse me, I forgot the apostrophe, Hawai'i. (Gad, how pretentious can you get?) Look, Warriors, the Philadelphia Eagles uniform is NOT a role model. And no, I'm not just picking on you because you dropped the 'Rainbow' from your nickname. (Homophobes! Hey, why not borrow a page from Jeff Gordon and call yourselves the Flaming Warriors?)

4. Texas

Normally, I love orange jerseys. But apparently there is only one ugly shade of orange, and the Longhorns (Yeah, right! In your dreams!) wear it!

5. Notre Dame

Would someone please explain to me why the Fighting IRISH weren't wearing GREEN? HELLOOOOO???

Dishonorable mention: The 2008 Ugly Bowl
Maryland vs Nevada at Boise

Both teams had those horrible Denver Bronco-style tapered stripes down their sides (Can you say 'Nike-spooge'?), and both looked even worse on that ghastly blue turf in Boise. Whose idea was THAT?! Whomever it was, they ought to be Jimmy Hoffa-ed underneath it!

Maybe this would make sense in Kentucky, but Boise???

And finally, just a few teams to whom I give mixed reviews:

California: Nice choice of yellow jerseys, but, and I can never use this phrase enough, LOSE THE PANTS! That's one of the worst cases of Nike-spooge I've seen.


Miami (Fla.): LOVE the orange pants! HATE the ugly numbers and the dark green Nike-spooge. Seriously, that Cal-Miami game had my head spinning. Perhaps these two teams could merge and pair up the yellow jerseys with the orange pants. Mmm, citrusy!

North Carolina:

The Petty blue on the helmets and the jersey numbers, fabulous! But why oh why did you go with dark blue (with Nike-spooge) from the waist down? LOSE THE PANTS!

Oregon:

Obvi I'm partial to Ducks or I wouldn't be guesting here on the Duck Pond. And the Oregon Ducks sport a great color combination, their helmets are nice and shiny, there are some nice touches on the pants (the O logo and a vertical 'Oregon'), and some of the players had yellow shoes, which sort of looked like duck feet in a way. But WHAT THE HELL is with those numbers?! Were they designed by the same crayon-wielding kid who cooked up the Toledo Storm logo?

Oregon would have easily made the 10 best otherwise, but those nauseating numbers ruined it for me. Besides, I had heard talk a few days before the game that Oregon was going to wear bright green a la the Orlando Thunder (one of the best football unis of all time IMO), so I was quite disappointed that they didn't.


Granted, I'm a bit of a fashion maverick. I get SOOOO tired of people dissing the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers 'creamsicle' look. Who doesn't love creamsicles? And the uni looked so good on Dougie Williams...I could have spent a lifetime just licking it!

I scream, you scream...

Coming soon, the year-end review of the NFL's best and worst dressed. I'll probably unleash that the week of the Super Bowl. Till then, this is Mr. Coloredwell tossing it back to Ducky. Toodles!

THE BIGGEST AWARDS WE KNOW

Ok, the last 2 of this year's Elite 11 have been decided. Here they are along with all the rest. Congrats to all of this year's champs!

Song Of The Year: World Spins Madly On--The Weepies
The rest of the top 10 Songs of 2008:
2. Lost Boys Calling--Roger Waters (from The Legend Of 1900)
3. Compass Point--Lowen And Navarro (2007 SOTY winner)
4. Trevor--George Westerholm
5. Canadian Gold--Colin Oberst (new HNIC theme)
6. Gotta Have You--The Weepies
7. The Crisis--Ennio Morricone (from The Legend Of 1900)
8. Stars--The Weepies
9. Teardrop--Jose Gonzalez
10. Razor--Foo Fighters

Geak Rookie Of The Year: The Whitest Kids U'Know

Album Of The Year: And 5 More Make 30--Steve Dahl

Catch Phrase Of The Year: "What the hell?!"--Cleveland

Carl Sagan Award (Movie Of The Year: The Legend Of 1900

Trio Award (Commercial Of The Year): Ikea--Robert Muraine

Music Video Of The Year: Dinosaur Rap--The Whitest Kids U'Know

Website Of The Year: [SORRY, THIS INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED]

Johnny Carson Award (Corpse Of The Year): George Carlin

Quote Of The Year: "Holy shit!"--The Whitest Kids U'Know

Breakthrough Of The Year--Miriam Shor

THE RESULTS KEEP TRICKLING IN...

3 more awards can now be announced. Sort of.

Music Video Of The Year: "Dinosaur Rap"--The Whitest Kids U'Know
"First rap song about getting high with dinosaurs...you're welcome, internet!"

Catch Phrase Of The Year, initially awarded to "Holy shit!" from the WKUK 'Whale Tail' sketch, has been changed to "What the hell?!" by Cleveland from Family Guy. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Website Of The Year: We have a winner, but since I don't want to lose yet another source of free music, I must decline to identify it here. Sorry, but I'm no narc.

Still TBD: Perhaps the 2 biggest annual awards of all: SOTY and GROTY (Song Of The Year, Geak Rookie Of The Year). Stay tuned!

CONGRATULATIONS TO THIS YEAR'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPIONS:

Division I-FCS: RICHMOND SPIDERS
Division II: MINNESOTA-DULUTH BULLDOGS
Division III: MOUNT UNION PURPLE RAIDERS

As for Division I-FBS, sorry, but there is NO champion this year because there were NO playoffs. There has NEVER been a champion because there have NEVER been any playoffs. There will NEVER BE a champion UNTIL there are PLAYOFFS.

PERIOD.

DUH

I wasn't thinking during that last post. Obvi the 2008 Trio Award has to go to Robert Muraine's Ikea commercial. The rest are still being determined.

ELITE 11 EARLY RETURNS

Here are the winners that have been determined so far:

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: "AND 5 MORE MAKE 30"--STEVE DAHL

CATCH PHRASE OF THE YEAR: "HOLY SHIT!"--THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW
Also wins QUOTE OF THE YEAR

CARL SAGAN AWARD (MOVIE OF THE YEAR): THE LEGEND OF 1900
Very close second: Religulous
Honorable Mention: Last Days

JOHNNY CARSON AWARD (CORPSE OF THE YEAR): GEORGE CARLIN
This one is no contest...Of everyone who died in 2008, GC is clearly the one I will miss the most

BREAKTHROUGH OF THE YEAR: Miriam Shor
New award, replaces Comeback Of The Year

STILL TO BE DETERMINED: Song Of The Year, Geak Rookie Of The Year, Trio Award (Commercial Of The Year), Music Video Of The Year, and Website Of The Year

Stay tuned!

"I'M HAVING CHEST PAINS!"

Meat Roll-Ups (Steak-Ums) + Butter Beer (Butterscotch Schnapp's and root beer) = This might be my last post.

BREAKING BRAD?



Now that the Vikings are out of the playoffs, head coach Brad Childress will be going back to his off-season routine: teaching high school chemistry and cooking meth under his alias Walter White.