My mom would have been 66 today, so not much to say beyond that, although I did see that it's also Tom Green's birthday. Maybe that explains why she actually liked his show. But more on that in my post on the "50 Worst Shows" list, which will be here within the next day or two.

But for today, we pause, and remember...and perhaps, if you listen carefully, you'll hear a distant call from beyond...

"DOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!"

I'M CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION...

Specifically, a tropical depression. Yes, it saddens me to report that The Artist Formerly Known As Hurricane Douglas has been downgraded and is weakening. Son of a dog shit sandwich! I had to wait 37+ years for my own hurricane, now I suppose I gotta hang around until I'm 74 for the next one. Perhaps by then I'll be retired and living in Florida. And maybe, just maybe, I could be killed by my own hurricane. "Hey Doug, see that hurricane out there?" one of you will say, "It's got your name all over it! You're screwed! Been nice knowing ya."

Makes you think, doesn't it? How many guys named Andrew, for example, were done in by Hurricane Andrew? Well, I guess everyone would remember how you died. And how many babies born in Florida since then have been named Andrew? Any at all? I would think some parent would be defiant enough to do that. After all, I think they retire the names of all the really big killer hurricanes, sort of like jersey numbers. So all those new little Andys should be safe from that scenario.

Which brings me to the irrational fear that Degauss has about Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. He was in an accident there once, and is afraid it would happen again. But 'Gaussie, dude, think of the odds against you being in a second accident on LSD (the road, not the drug). If you were to be in another accident the next time you go to Chicago, odds are it will be on a different street. LSD will be the safest place for you! It's like the scene in "World According To Garp" where Garp and his wife are looking at a house to buy, and a plane crashes into the side of the house. So Garp says "We'll take it," for the perfectly logical reason that the odds of another plane hitting the house are astronomical. "It's been pre-disastered! We'll be safe here." Makes sense to me.

ROCK YOU LIKE A...ME?

I've got good news and bad news. The good news: It's official...I FINALLY HAVE A HURRICANE NAMED AFTER ME! The bad news: It isn't expected to make any landfall. Dammit! Even when I get what I want, I don't get what I want. I wanted a hurricane I could root for as it destroyed homes and took lives. I wanted to be able to say about my 'cane, "It's black and demonic and it spreads darkness and death...cool!" But nooooo...

WE KNOW A REMOTE FARM IN LINCOLNSHIRE, WHERE MRS. BUCKLEY LIVES. EVERY JULY, PEAS GROW THERE...
by Ducksoup

First off, thank you Shaggy, you sneaky bastid. I've been looking for a suitable place to compile all my frequently-used links, and fortunately I was able to find where you added the link to Shagout and add more.

On last Friday's Dahl show, The Stever played the tape of the infamous Orson Welles commercial voiceover session, which was the basis for Pinky And The Brain, who later recreated the Welles voiceover session on the show. You can check it out using the handy-dandy link I've added on the left. Here's the time codes:

1:06:52 to 1:08:28, the original Orson Welles tape
1:18:16 to 1:20:48, the Pinky And The Brain version (preceded by an explanation by Steve)

Note: For those who have never heard it, toward the end of the Welles tape they had to bleep out the phrase "go down on you". In the P&B version they changed that part to "make cheese for you". Perhaps "make cheese for you" could become a new slang term for oral sex.

PS: My take on the "50 Worst Shows" list is still in the works, so stay tuned.

CROSS-PROMOTION
by Shaggy

See how that works? I link you, you link me. Yase.

REVELATION
by Ducksoup

I was listening to some of my brother's CDs at work while Steve Dahl is on vacation, including some Billy Joel. I just noticed an interesting bit in "We Didn't Start The Fire". Check it out...

"...payola, Kennedy, Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo..." Stop! Let's go to the replay official!

Notice which two references are back-to-back? "...Chubby Checker, Psycho..." Also note that the scary Psycho chords are playing under both of those references?

Which leads me to think that perhaps the actual lyric is "Chubby Checker's psycho!"

THAT'S FINE AND ALL, BUT WHO THE HECK SHOT J.R.?
by Ducksoup

And the process of getting everyone caught up and up to speed continues...

Due to my computer probs, the 2001 Song Of The Year tournament, which had extended a record-shattering 5 months into this year, ultimately had to be cancelled. But good news, a winner was declared. The 2001 PriBax Radio Network Song Of The Year award goes to...[opens envelope]

"Song For The Stupid Raver Shithead Who Lives Underneath Me And Always Plays His Shitty Music Really Loud And Makes My Floor Vibrate And At One Point He Left His Room But Left The Stereo On And It Skipped And I Had To Listen To It For Four Fucking Hours" by Taco The Wonder Dog!

Past winners:
2000--Stuck On Earth--ALF and Ben Liebrand
1999--PriBax Pie--Eggs Danny Thomas Style
1998--White Horse--Laid Back
1997--Drivin'--Henry Phillips
1996--1979--Smashing Pumpkins
1995--Bulbous Bouffant--The Vestibules
1994--Across The Universe--Laibach
1993--Jeremy--Pearl Jam
1992--Mississippi Queen--Sam Kinison
1991--X Y & Zee--Pop Will Eat Itself
1990--Def Con One--Pop Will Eat Itself
1989--Surfing With The Alien--Joe Satriani
1988--Mean Green Mother From Outer Space--Levi Stubbs
1987--You're The One Who's Out Of This World--ALF
1986--I'm So Worried--Monty Python
1985--Marvin I Love You--Marvin The Paranoid Android
1984--Lookin' Out Steve's Asshole--Eggs Danny Thomas Style
1983--Fish Heads--Barnes And Barnes
1982--Countdown--Rush
1981--Run Like Hell--Pink Floyd

Wasn't that educational? Anyhoo congrats to Taco The Wonder Dog, who also won Geak Rookie Of The Year as well as Best Video Of The Year for "Got A Bag Of Doritos".

In other delayed news, due to Lugnuts actually winning one of the many fantasy sports competitions we regularly go head-to-head in, I am currently sporting my Curly Howard look. Those who have yet to see me looking like this (Shaggy) better hurry, because it's growing back fast! (At least what little of it still grows.)

So, David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar are touring together. Um, okay. You know, this might make a good follow-up to The Osbournes. [Lugnuts, cue the Odd Couple theme, please]

"Some time earlier, the Red Rocker's band had thrown him out, asking that he never return. Confused, he went on tour with Diamond Dave, who, coincidentally, had also been thrown out of the same band...twice, no less. Can two washed-up rock singers tour together without driving each other crazy?"

Sammy: "That's not spaghetti, Dave, those are my guitar strings!" Dave: [throws strings at the wall] "Now it's garbage!"

This week's special guest: Former Beach Boy Brian Wilson, who stops by the buffet table backstage and, right after picking his nose, take a single bite out of each of the chicken wings so he can return later to finish them. Plus a special cameo appearance by Gary Cherone as one of the janitors.

ANY CALLS WHILE I WAS OUT? GUESS NOT.
by Ducksoup

Well I'm back to give the old Blog Pond another spin. Had to completely burn down the computer and start over with a clean hard drive. My virus protection is much improved so I don't expect further probs.

I'm sure you're all wondering what I'm up to, but right now I'm more interested in what the rest of you are doing, so let's do a quick roll call...

Max: now officially a bus driver, and also became a dad June 3rd. We welcome his daughter Cheyenne to the universe and hope she has better luck dealing with it.

Peace: Presumably recovered from the same nasty virus that crippled my online status. I'd phone him to ask how he is, but I don't think I can get the necessary bank loan.

Degauss: New crib, new job, new girlfriend, and possibly a new hope for PriBax Radio. Here's hoping we get a chance to return to the old "Apartment".

Lugnuts: Still maintaining the Baxley Entertainment Report, soon to be more accurately renamed The Ashleigh Banfield Hate Page if current trends continue.

Shaggy: Failed to make a scheduled frisbee golf appearance and has not been seen or heard from since. If anyone knows his whereabouts please call the missing persons hotline. (I'm also submitting a photo to local milk companies.)

RE: TURTLE HUNTING
by Ducksoup

"So happy together..." (Get it?)

As for the discovery of Miss Levy's mortal remains, I think Spike Manton (of the Steve Dahl Show) said it best:

"Killed by a weasel, eaten by squirrels."

LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING MOSQUITO REPELLENT
by Ducksoup

Recently my bro Snail and I had a disagreement about a song lyric.

As many of you probably know, such impasses can lead to anger, resentment and, in extreme cases, nuclear exchange. (Such was the case in 1945 when President Truman vehemently disagreed with Emperor Hirohito over "Three Little Fishies In A Itty Bitty Poo". Hirohito correctly insisted 'poo' actually meant 'pool', while Truman maintained it was a scatological reference.)

The lyric in question was from Allan Sherman's version of "Mexican Hat Dance". The correct lyric, which I have known for years because I have it on vinyl, is "They just throw their fedoras wherever the floor is and start doing horas and taps." Snail stubbornly argued that the last part of the line was "chorus and taps".

Extensive research, including an email correspondence with THE authority on novelty music, Dr. Demento, confirmed what I knew all along. But actually it only takes a few moments of logical reasoning to see that I am right.

For starters, the hora is a dance popular in Jewish culture, and one of Sherman's comedic signatures was making Yiddish references in his songs. Second, 'horas', like 'taps', is plural, as opposed to 'chorus'. For that idea to fit, it would have to be 'choruses' or even 'chori', and neither of those even come close to rhyming.

Which brings us to the clincher, which is that even the singular 'chorus' still does not rhyme. Case in point: 'fedoras' ends with a 'z' sound; 'floor is' ends with a 'z' sound; and, of course, 'horas' ends with, you guessed it, a 'z' sound. 'Chorus', on the other hand, ends with an 's' sound, and therefore is not an exact rhyme.

Now, I realize that in this day and age, this seems like nitpicking. But back in Sherman's day, precise rhyming of lyrics was of the greatest importance to the songwriter, as demonstrated by Sherman himself in his song "Hungarian Goulash", which contains one of the greatest rhymes in history: "Borscht is what they're eating in the Soviet/Wait I think we've got some on the stove yet."

Granted, this was the early-to-mid sixties, back before the English language, for all practical purposes, simply ran out of words. In fact, the very last plausible English language rhyme was discovered in 1994, when a little known Indonesian ska band, Sticky Tape, successfully rhymed 'orange' with 'door hinge'.

By the way, at this point I should give props to Elvis Costello who, according to a review of his latest album, may be the first and last songwriter in the 21st century to use the word 'elocution' (and no, that's not what happens to you when you stick your finger in a light socket) in a song lyric.

Of course, nowadays exact rhyming has gone the way of the Edsel, and if, say, Puddle Of Mudd or Destiny's Child were to cover Sherman's version of "Mexican Hat Dance", 'chorus' would pass for a rhyme in the ears of the average listener. But I know better. I fear that in another 10 years or so, the concept of rhyming lyrics, even rhymes deemed 'close enough for jazz', will be completely lost.

We simply cannot sit idly by and watch this happen, my friends. I cannot and will not accept a song lyric which attempts to rhyme, for example, 'toast' with 'zebra', simply because they both have an 'a' in them.

This, of course, is why, a couple of years ago, I had to abandon my own attempt to write a song about toasted zebras.

ANOTHER MAY, ANOTHER INFECTION
by Ducksoup

Strange it is that last May, I was sent to the sidelines with an inner ear infection, which left my head spinning up and down and sideways for a few weeks.

This May, it was my computer's turn. A strain of the dreaded Nimda virus befell my already iffy box. Luckily Dr. Snail and McAfee were on the case and, to paraphrase the weird old lady from "Poltergeist", "This box is cleeeeean." Still iffy, but at least clean.

Other than Peace, who may have infected me via email without knowing it, and Snail and Degauss, who networked with me the other night for some Nascar 4-play, I believe Lugnuts and Shaggy should both be in the clear. I think I emailed you two Friday, and I wasn't infected until Saturday. The virus may also have come from a page Peace indirectly directed me to about "Earth's second moon", so if you must know any details about that topic, I would recommend either NASA, Astronomy Magazine, or Sky & Telescope's web sites (addresses listed below). The sites I hit were obviously not as well-maintained and one of them was probably compromised.

Remember, if you find any .eml files in your brain, or your computer keeps falling over on its side and vomiting, one of you may have either the Nimda virus or an inner ear infection. And that's...

One To Grow On!

To search for details about "Earth's second moon", if any are available, try:
www.nasa.gov
www.astronomy.com
www.skypub.com

One of these should be able to help you...

Read More About It!

Coming up next: Schoolhouse Rock!

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW...
by Ducksoup

From what I can deduce, there is a massive conspiracy...wait, let's not call it that, sounds too paranoid...there is a massive practical joke being played on AT&T by whatever market research company they have been employing.

They are apparently being fed inaccurate information that leads them to believe the viewing public can't get enough of commercials featuring annoying spokespeople. This has led them to employ a long list of annoying spokespeople, the latest being Carrot Top.

The question is, are the execs at AT&T so utterly stupid as to believe such misleading information from their market research firm of choice?

The answer, judging by the fiasco that was AT&T @Home, would seem to be a resounding yes.

YEAH, WHATEVER.
by Ducksoup

So go ahead and let out a cheer on my behalf and get it over with already: I now have...cable internet.

Okay, stop with the trumpets and shit. My bro had to have it, and going half-and-half, it's less than twice the cost of dialup, so I've finally caved in to your peer pressure. Of course, now the rest of you guys are either on dialup or not online at all.

Fellas, we've REALLY gotta work on our timing here.

"ANYONE? ANYONE? BUELLER? BUELLER? ANYONE?"
by Ducksoup

No one else posting yet? Bummer. Fine, I can hold down the fort for now.

So, I see in the paper the other day that Dan Quayle says Ozzy Osbourne is a good role model, in that he "sets a good example of how not to live your life."

Well, what a coinkydink, Danny Boy...(all together everybody)...SO DO YOU!!!

Excuse me, "Mr. Potatoe Head," but we're finished with you. Have been for years now. Go away. We've got bigger knuckleheads to deal with. Shit, George W. Bush makes you look like Stephen Hawking (minus the ability to carry a Zep tune). Go back to your representative representation of a representative democracy representing the people whose government governs the people who need people are the luckiest people blah blah blah Murphy Brown is a skanky whore blah blah fuckin' blah. Shut the fuck up.

(PS: "Potatoe" in the above context was clearly intentional. Don't even bother.)

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, we're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside...

You are looking live at the latest incarnation of The Duck Pond. Think of this as Shagout Light. It may not have all the bells and whistles, but it's 1/3 less calories than the regular Shagout, and that's a good thing.

As for Ducksoup's Blog 1.0, we'll leave that as is, sort of a monument to simpler times when I had no idea what I was doing (as if I do now).

That's it for now, I need sleep. Until next time, for those who haven't yet been exposed to it, here's my piece on waffles that I didn't get a chance to post in the previous Pond before Shagout got zonked:

WAFFLE FENCING?

"The Fed is gonna be lowering rates, so get your money out of T-bills and put it all into [THWACK] waffles! Tasty waffles! With lots of syrup!" --Quote from Family Guy

Why are waffles female?

You know how an extension cord, for example, has a male end and a female end? (Yes, Willie, that's right, just like a flatworm, yes, yes, now shut up.) Okay, so it occured to me that waffles are female, in that the squares go inward. As opposed to a waffle iron, where the squares point outward.

Well, what the fuck, I just answered my own question: Waffles are female because waffle irons are male. Duh! Alrighty then, so why doesn't somebody make a female waffle iron, thus creating male waffles?

Here's another idea: How about making waffles and waffle irons hermaphroditic, with one side male and one side female? Just like extension cords. Just like flatworms. Just like...

Lego bricks! Yeah, then you could build stuff with them! Think of the fun kids will have playing with their food. Think of the promotional tie-in between Lego and Eggo!

Heck, you could even build yourself a whole house out of waffles. It'd work better than a house of pancakes. How the hell can you build a house of pancakes? They're flat. There's no interlocking. One good windstorm and you're screwed. A house of waffles, now there's a sturdy sumbitch!

Then you could do like Lego-Land and build yourself a whole town.

You could call it...WAFFLE-OPOLIS!

Wait, wasn't that a member of Clinton's staff?

No, that was Stephanopoulos.

I though that was a character on Sesame Street.

No, that's Snuffleupagus.

I thought that was another name for your windpipe.

No, that's esophagus.

I thought that was the name of those islands where Darwin hung out.

No, that's Galapagos.

I have to go lie down now, my head is spinning.

***

POSTSCRIPT: May 23, 2007--Once again, I have proven to be ahead of my time: About a year or so ago, Lego-shaped Eggo waffles hit the test market. I got zilch in royalties. Just as well, as they don't seem to have worked out too well, according to the following review from taquitos.net:

"05.21.2006
This new variety of Eggo Waffles looked like fun, promising a Lego-like shape that lets its eaters 'Toast Break & Build!' So I bought a box.

Each square sheet consisted of six 2x4-grid detachable bricks. So the idea is that you toast your waffles, cut them up into Lego bricks, build something, and then (presumably) eat your Lego creation. I had a huge Lego collection when I was a kid and built all sorts of things with them, so the idea of edible Legos seemed appealing.

Unfortunately, it was a lot less fun than it sounded. This was a severely flawed concept. Problems included:

The perforations in the waffles (intended to help separate the bricks) caused the waffles to bend in my vertical toaster, so some parts were closer to the heating elements than others, resulting in uneven cooking.
Once toasted, it was hard to separate the individual bricks in each sheet. It really required a sharp knife and some very careful cutting, which is probably not something that the target audience should be encouraged to do. (If you just pulled them apart, they would barely resemble bricks once you were done, as they did not separate easily. And if you did that shortly after toasting, you would burn your fingers.)
There were eight circles jutting out of the top of each brick, and matching indentations on the bottom, sort of like real Legos, but they didn't even remotely snap together. They barely even stacked on top of each other with any kind of stablilty.
A standard serving is two waffles, or 12 bricks once you've broken them up. There's just not all that much you can build with that many bricks.
Eggo's quality control department allowed some of the sheets in this box to include incomplete bricks, as the batter did not fill the entire waffle iron and also spilled out off the edge. The irregular look might add charm to your standard Eggo waffles, but in this case, it reduced the number of usable bricks and made actual Lego contruction even more difficult.
Even if you manage to get a good sheet of waffles, cook them evenly, and cut them perfectly, they look a heck of a lot less like Legos than the picture on the box. And you really can't do much with them other than eat them."

Also, at the time I wrote this I had not yet heard of Waffle House. I don't think they were in this area yet. I have been there since, and turns out they are not built with actual waffles, which, upon reading the above review, is not at all surprising.