(NOTE: Boy, will I be glad when this day is over and all the mindless Xmas zombies snap out of their annoying annual trance. In the meantime, I'd like to share with you George Carlin's bit on the ten commandments that pretty much echoes my thoughts on the subject.)

GEORGE CARLIN ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
(excerpted from the book "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?")

I have a problem with the ten commandments. Here it is:

Why are there ten? You don't need ten. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list. Here's how it happened:

About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people, and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God -- God personally -- had given one of them a list of ten commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.

Well let me ask you something...when these guys were sitting around the tent making all this stuff up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why: because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official! They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People'd say, "What, are you kidding me? The eleven commandments? Get the fuck outta here!" But ten...ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system. It's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed. So deciding on ten commandments was clearly a marketing decision! And it's obviously a bullshit list. It's a political document, artificially inflated to sell better. I'm gonna show you how you can reduce the number of commandments, and come up with a list that's a little more logical and realistic.

We'll start with the first three (and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was fed as a little boy):

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN
THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments: pure bullshit. Sabbath day, Lord's name, strange gods...spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo-jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized humans in the 21st century. So you throw out the first three commandments, and you're down to seven.

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

This commandment is about obedience, and respect for authority. In other words, it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parent's (or the authority figure's) performance. Some parents deserve respect; most of them don't. Period. We're down to six.

Now, in the interest of logic, something religion has a REALLY hard time with, I'm gonna skip around the list a little bit...

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL
THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two commandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty -- stealing, and lying. So we don't need two of them! Instead we combine these two and call it "THOU SHALT NOT BE DISHONEST." And suddenly we're down to five.

And as long as we're combining commandments, I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY
THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior. In this case, marital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind, and I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife. Otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But marital fidelity is a good idea. So I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "THOU SHALT NOT BE UNFAITHFUL." And suddenly, we're down to four.

And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually part of the same overall value. So in truth we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive language instead of negative, call the whole thing "THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL." And now we're down to three.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful"...you wanna get one too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone. You throw out coveting, and you're down to two now: the big combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL
Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. To cite a few examples, think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion doctor killings, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously religious people take "THOU SHALT NOT KILL." Apparently, to religious folks, especially the truly devout, murder is...negotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing, and who's getting killed.

And so, with all this in mind folks, I offer you my revised list of the two commandments. First:

THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE

And second:

THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS OF COURSE THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO

Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby, as long as he included one additional commandment:

THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!

QUOTE DU JOUR

"You know what sucks? They shot JFK in a moving car from the top of a building...Ronald Reagan was standing right next to Hinckley and he missed him! I only wish Hinckley would have gone after John Lennon. He would have missed Lennon, killed Yoko and been a fuckin' hero!"

--Otto & George

Joan (Heiden) Liebherr
1936-2005

Dear friend to me and my mom, and a whiz at doing my taxes. RIP Joanie.

DUCK POND VARIETY PACK

Got three items to post, let's start with...

Best Band Names Playing The Toledo Area This Week

Atomic Bitchwax--Monday at Underground
Becoming The Archetype--tonight at Howards Club H
Canada's Electric Tiger Machine--Friday at Howards Club H
Dragon Spit--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Funeral Black Condor--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Gravel Salad--Friday at Longhorn Saloon
Intentions Of Nothing--Saturday at Headliners
None So Vile--Friday at Longhorn Saloon
The Nuclear Holy Warriors--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Scotty Karate--Friday at Underground
Sideways Smile--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Taking On Explosives--Monday at Underground
Twistin' Tarantulas--Friday at Underground

Next up...

Man pleads insanity in professor's death

A University of Texas student who claimed he stabbed and slashed his piano professor more than 200 times because he thought she was a robot intent on killing him pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. Jackson Ngai, 24, went on trial for attacking Danielle Martin with a meat cleaver, scissors and other items in her kitchen in 2004. On her body was a note that read, "Computer chip in brain."

I, for one, will buy the insanity defense on this one, because when a sane person is stabbing someone they think is a robot trying to kill them, my guess is that after a couple dozen stabs, all the blood and guts and screaming in pain and terror would likely be sufficient to convince them that they're probably mistaken. "I'm sorry, I seem to have terribly misjudged you. I am sooo embarrassed. Shall I dial 911 for you?" Whereas an insane person at that point would think "Well, I'd better stab you a couple hundred more times, just to be on the safe side."

And last but not least...

Actually...

From USA Today, today:

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper, who is afraid of heights, parachuted from a plane for a TV commercial to illustrate the state's plunging finances.



My problem with this, "actually," is that he "actually" made the jump "actually" strapped to an "actual" skydiving instructor, whose image was "actually" removed from the ad, "actually" making it appear as if Hickenlooper was "actually" diving alone.

In other words, this image is "actually" BULLSHIT!

And that "actually" pisses me off.

MONARCH DREAM: PART DEUX

Whoa.

I just now woke from another doozy of a dream. Most of it had a plot entirely unrelated to giant Monarchs, and I plum forgot all of those details, but right at the end I caught a TV news segment featuring giant Monarchs wintering in southern Florida. (I thought, wow, just like in my dream! Little did I know.)

Seems they were hanging out on the beaches down there, people were sunning on the beach with them, swimming with them, and some people were even water-skiing around on the Monarchs' backs! Cowa-fuckin'-bunga dude!

(Noel, I challenge you to find a picture to go along with THAT mental image!)

Too bad these damn things aren't real...think of the Monarch show the Orlando Sea World could put together!

One thing's for sure, I gotta fix some more bacon fish (what a band name) and see if I can induce a Part 3!

***

In an unrelated story...speaking of band names, I came upon 2 of the best ever the other day: the paper listed The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza, which was playing Thursday at Mickey Finn's. I wasn't sure if this was a band or some sort of tap dancing act endorsed by Mr. Danza. So I actually called MF's to find out. The guy I talked to confirmed that it was just a really silly band name, but not as silly as his personal favorite, John Cougar Concentration Camp.

[Note: After I wrote this, I searched for pics to add to it, thus copying the style of Noel's blog, then I had Noel search for pics. I ended up using the best of both searches. Enjoy!]

[2010 P.S.: Most of the pics I used are gone now. Some I replaced, others I couldn't. Sorry.]

THE MONARCH DREAM

I had the strangest/coolest dream last week.

[I found this by searching 'strangest dream'. You'd think it'd come up under 'coolest dream']


As some of you may know, I have been a fan of the Monarch butterfly for many years now, ever since I was but a lad. I read up on them, raised them, even helped tag them now and then. Possibly my favorite animal on the planet.

(My dream vacation is to go to that forest clearing in Mexico where the Monarchs spend the winter. Well, that and a total solar eclipse. Of course, if I had the good fortune to be at the Monarchs' winter spot during a total solar eclipse there, I could die then and there with a smile on my face.)


[Actually, this COULD happen in 2024!]

But I don't think I ever had any kind of Monarch dream, that is to say, a dream that features Monarchs, let alone the fucked-up episode I dreamed on this night.

By the way, yes, I know what you're thinking, "Monarch Dream" is one hell of a great band name, and it is, I acknowledge that, but let me take just a mo to explain to you just why...

Working-class schlubs like you and me, we often dream of things we don't have. "I wish I could hit the lottery or make a killing on some bold new internet investment or patent the world's first iPod that performs oral sex (I think I'd call it 'blowPod'), and get me a nice big house and a nice car, yadda yadda yadda."

[So I searched for 'blow pod' and I found this pic. Strangely, it seems very accurate.]


But what if you're a monarch? (Royalty, I mean, not a butterfly.) You already have a freakin' mansion and a hot queen with a sweet ass and a private jet a closet full of a couple thousand pairs of shoes and a dozen or so blowPods (you know, for parties), what more could you want? What do you dream of? "You know, this is all great and all, but I sure wish Jann Arden lived next door and came over to our yard every day and made out with my hot wife half-naked under the sprinklers before we slip into my giant hot tub and indulge in some fantastic MFF BBW depravity." (Unless, of course, your wife *was* Jann Arden, in which case your neighbor would be, say, Mo'Nique.)

So there ya go, anything that is as good as that, is, to coin a phrase, a "Monarch's Dream". Therefore, Monarch Dream would be a great name for a spoiled, pretentious British pretty-boy alternative rock band. Here they come, taking the stage: "Hello, we're Monarch Dream. We are the greatest band in the world. Monarchs dream of being able to see us perform in person...yeah, two of us used to be in Oasis, what's your point?"

Anyhoo, back to my particular Monarch dream...

So it was mid-September, and the annual Monarch migration was underway, and, for whatever reason, in my dream they migrated in flocks. They would fly at night, and then rest as a flock in someone's yard or wherever, and spend the day feeding and sunning and saving up energy for the next night's flight.

And so I awoke one morning and went to the kitchen and looked out the window to discover that a flock of Monarchs had set up camp in my backyard for the day. I called off work. I didn't even lie and say I was sick. For this was a rare and privileged occurence. My supervisor, knowing of my fascination with the species, would understand.

My life-long love of Monarchs had come to its zenith on this day! I would spend the day observing my fair-winged friends. Except...well, there is one detail I haven't mentioned yet, and I would be horribly remiss if I didn't: these particular 'dream Monarchs' (also a good band name, and slightly less-pretentious) were...shall we say, (cue a bit of spooky reverb) NOT OF NORMAL SIZE.

Normal size of a Monarch being about a 4-inch wingspan, that is. Ah, but these Monarchs were...are you sitting down?...seven and a half times their normal size. That is to say, approximately a 30-inch wingspan. Thus when they were at rest with their wings folded up, they were about 15 inches tall. And as can be expected in, I think, most dreams, this seemed like nothing out of the ordinary. For reasons only my neurons will ever really know, this WAS normal Monarch size. In my dream.


[Forget "Sweet Transvestite", this is my next Halloween costume]

So there I am, sitting on my back porch, sipping from my 2-liter bottle of tea, having fixed no more complicated a breakfast for myself than a couple of pieces of German Rye toast, as I don't want to miss a minute of the wonderful show of nature in my yard: A few hundred or so huge, giant, and, in retrospect, almost downright frighteningly-gargantuan Monarch butterflies. (I also have a few cans of Chef Boyardee stacked up out there to get me through the day. Those new pull-tab lids are sooo convenient.)



I mean, now that I think about it in my waking existence, you normally would expect any such type of gigantic insects appearing in a dream to have claws and fangs and be flying around attacking and biting and killing people and beating them to death with their massive wings and feasting on their blood and flesh and people are running around screaming and panicking and CNN reporters are being trampled and some even offered up sacrificially and it all probably looks fantastic on a wide-screen HDTV and hey honey make some more popcorn willya please Spielberg has really outdone himself this time! (Okay, I just went all-out Mark Morford there with the run-on and all the 'and's and shit. My apologies if you hate that sort of thing. But how could you?)

[The pic I had *was* damn-near perfect. Mothra makes a passable replacement.]


But no, these were gentle, happy, playful, friendly giant Monarchs. (Hey, I just figured it out. Friendly giants! I use to love the "Friendly Giant" on the CBC as a kid. Ahh, warm, fuzzy memories...) And they would joyfully hop around the yard...well, only about a third to a half of them at a time, it seemed. Most of the rest were quietly napping in the trees, and a few were feeding on flowers here and there. (Maybe somewhere deep in the innermost parts of the canopies there was some mating going on, I imagined, but the rest were shielding anyone's view. Prudes. Maybe I like to watch? Come on, let me see some hot giant-butterfly sex. I mean, I've been sitting here half the day by now, I'm starting to get just a bit bored out here. Even I have my limits.)


[The late great Bob "The Friendly Giant" Homme]

Anyhoo, the rest were hopping around the yard all festive-like and making an almost-inaudible (and for the moment indistinguishable) sort of boinging sound, like a happy little flock of hyperactive orange-and-black-winged sheep on a giant yard-sized trampoline ("Shiny happy Monarchs hopping 'round..."), and it was just about that time some PBS nature-show host dude showed up and asked permission to film on my premises, to which I gladly obliged. I'm not sure, it may have been one of the Attenboroughs, don't ask me which one, Probably whichever one is still alive. Or maybe the dead one? I dunno. Whatever. It's not important.


[Caption: "This monarch butterfly is jumping on a trampoline. It planted a vine on a trellis."]

So he helpfully explains to me that although they are all roughly the same size, the ones resting in the trees are the adults and the ones hopping around on the ground are the youngsters. The very young are noticeably smaller, but are harder to spot since they are up in the trees with their parents.

Then he asks if I would like to know how to sex them? (I forget what my hilariously quick-witted response was, but if you know me well enough, you know it had to be side-splitting.) Well anyway, he then advises that if I listen carefully to their individual little quiet boinging sounds, that there are two distinct types: the males make a boinging sound that sounds sort of like the word 'port', while the female boing sounds sort of like the word 'point'.

This is the sort of thing you just don't notice under any circumstances until someone points ('point's?) it out to you, then you can't NOT notice it. You can't escape it. (Like when you see the same painting on a wall for years, and then one day you notice a dog's face in one of the clouds that you never noticed before, after which it's always the very first thing you see in the picture.) So now it's almost as if I am being deafened by all these softly quiet little 'port's and 'point's in my backyard. Can you imagine the sound? Can you imagine the sight! And the sound? Together? Whoa. These are some good drugs I'm on, man.


[Clearly this is not the painting I meant.]

He also 'point's (sorry, I can't help it) out that the females' hop averages out to be, for all practical purposes, exactly twice as high as the males'. This is indeed apparent. This is the kind of astuteness we have all, I think, come to expect from our PBS nature-show hosts. But what I learned next really surprised me.

In a jive-ass attempt to make myself seem like a know-it-all, I mention a casual observation I have just...well, observed: Some of the youngsters were play-chasing each other around the perimeter of the yard, and I noticed that the males' hop seemed to average out to be, for all practical purposes, exactly twice the distance of the females'. This was not readily noticeable on one's initial observation of the majority of a flock of giant Monarchs hopping around your yard en masse like a sort of lepidopteral Woodstock. An insect rave. A Monarch mosh pit!

I also observed a distinct difference in the frequency of hops between them. My ear just happened to pick out, at one particular moment, one of each gender hopping near me, and oddly enough, for every hop the female made, the male made two hops. And though they weren't actually interacting in any observable way, from my vantage point they seemed to have a rhythm going with each other. As luck would have it, they were perfectly synched. I'm not sure if I can approximate it here in text, but I'll try. The two sounds side by side were sort of like this:

"Portportportportportportportport..."
"Point.....point.....point.....point....."

...which, when observed, called to mind for me an old Pepe LePew cartoon, where he's steadily hopping along in pursuit of the cat. Only here the genders were reversed. And the two I heard weren't actually chasing each other, but the sound was definitely there.



Thus, the difference in hop frequency plus the difference in hop distance meant that the males traveled 4 times as fast as the females. (I think this ratio may also apply, in reverse of course, to the Pepe LePew cartoons.) And shockingly, the host dude had never noticed any of this. Apparently, no one else had ever noticed it either. I was the first! Where then, I thought, were my PBS dollars going? None of these jackoffs ever noticed something so seemingly obvious? "What the fuck are they paying you idiots for?!" I almost screamed.

"You're kidding," I actually said.

Later in the day, after the 'port'ing and 'point'ing had mostly died down and the camera crew had left, I spotted one of the smaller Monarchs that had just fallen out of the tree near the back corner of the yard. It had landed on its back with its wings spread out, and it was stuck there like a turtle, kicking its legs in the air. I hurried out and righted it.

It was a bit shaken so I petted it and comforted it, "There you go, little one, you're okay now," and it was obviously very grateful and started purring like a cat and sort of rubbing against my leg. "Careful," I cautioned, "you don't want to rub your scales off." I petted it some more and scritched its chin (it wasn't old enough to hop around yet, so I don't know what gender it was). Then I carefully picked it up and put it back up in the tree with its parents, who also seemed grateful.

Finally, around sunset, the flock gradually took off, a few at a time, and among the last to take off were the little one I helped and its parents. Just before they took flight, the parents looked back at me and seemed to nod in gratitude for my help and hospitality. My heart was warmed.

Then, the little one, before taking off behind them, looked back and, with just the very tip of one of its wings, waved to me as if to say "Thank you for letting us stay in your yard for the day! Bye-bye!" It was almost like some sappy-ass Disney movie or something. All that was missing was some lame Elton John ballad. And much as I hate to admit it, I got a little misty-eyed. But it WAS quite a touching moment.

[So I search for Elton John photos and I find this gem. Caption: "If Elton John was a poodle..."]


"Bye, little one," I waved back. "Maybe I'll get to host your descendants next year!"

[Noel says: "'Monarch waving' brought up the following:"]


So I'll bet you're wondering just what the fuck I had for dinner the night I had this dream. I'm not sure, but I believe it was leftover Long John Silver's fish (shaped like Nevada) re-fried in bacon grease. There you go. Good luck inducing your own giant Monarch dreams, if you dare! (And be sure not to miss the excellent footage of giant butterflies hopping around in my backyard, coming soon to PBS. Check local listings.)

[You might want to stock up on antacids]

[Left pic is a replacement]

I am not a normal man.

[Noel says: "No, you're not."]

UPDATES COMING SOONER THAN YOU THINK

Almost there...wait for it...by the end of this week if I don't choke...

I've got a wonderfully bizarre dream to tell you all about, and I am considering the following tweaks to this here Pond thingy:

First off, I gotta add a nice official-looking link to the new blog by my pal the Noelomite. For now, this should suffice. (BTW I've asked Noel to help me punch up my upcoming post about my aforementioned dream, borrowing from the style of his blog [as in lots of odd pics sprinkled throughout]) This should be fun.

I also would like to compartmentalize things a bit, such as moving local band name lists to the band names blog, and moving the karaoke updates to the 'ducksoupkaraoke' blog along with the list of the 350+ songs I've done. Also the KUs will be streamlined: the specific dates and locations of my karaoke appearances will no longer be included.

The reason for this is so that certain persons will not know where or when I will turn up to sing songs like "Jagged Little Parody". I have recently switched to 1st shift, so all my nights are free now, and I have an accomplice to get around to different places. (And there's no guarantee I'll be safely tucked away in certain places on certain nights. I could turn up anywhere at anytime.)

KARAOKE RECAP: WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, *SECRET LOCATION*, 4 SONGS
Dare To Be Stupid--Weird Al Yankovic--Tougher to breathe through than I remember.
The Long And Winding Road--The Beatles--Wanted to impress any cute gals present, and most of my other money songs (i.e. "Outside") were not in the book.
Marijuanaville--David Allan Coe--Sans the bong sound effect. But had a new crowd to play to. (Unfortunately for me, I had to follow Noel stealing Prince's "Kiss" from Sam, during which he started dancing in the middle of the song and took an hilarious but rather scary-looking fall, but got up just in time to start singing again. Crowd went wild. Upstaging bastid.)
Jagged Little Parody--Ducksoup--And this is why I am not disclosing the location. Felt sooooo good to bring it back out. The crowd here was a bit stunned when I finished, and I'm told I got quite a few evil looks when I dropped the good ol' C-bomb. Ahh, sweet, delicious controversy! You never know when or where I'll strike next! No karaoke spot in the Toledo area is safe! Beware my wrath! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

KARAOKE RECAPS: JUNE 8-20

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, CENTRE COURT, 5 SONGS
Green Haze--Elvis Hitler--Didn't add anything new this time, I think I've got it down.
Schiavo--Steve Dahl--Went well considering how out-of-date it is now.
Star Wars Cantina--Mark Jonathan Davis--Duet with Noel. We do our best to fill the 56-measure break, but we got lots more to add.
NEW--Waiting On A Sunny Day--Bruce Springsteen--A rarity: A song PKE doesn't have. Yet.
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--Anymore, whether or not I do this one depends on if I can get a fork.

SATURDAY, JUNE 11, MUTZ, 3 SONGS
NEW--Interstate Love Song--Stone Temple Pilots--Heard it on the radio, pulled it out of my Need-its.
NEW--The Truth About Men--Tracy Byrd--Stole it from Doug. The truth is I blew it. Need more practice.
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--I'm thinking about adding more props along with the fork...a rolodex to pull a name out of, a picture of the ex to tear in two, and maybe a little scale model of a malt shop to set on fire.

MONDAY, JUNE 13, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS
NEW--Soul To Squeeze--Red Hot Chili Peppers--Last of a small group of Need-its I wanted to finish off.
Green Haze--Elvis Hitler--Back by popular demand. Well, by Micki's demand, anyway.
The Long And Winding Road--The Beatles--The Drama Queen strikes again.

SATURDAY, JUNE 18, MUTZ, 2 SONGS
Arrived late due to going to Flat Rock for Schoolbus Figure 8's with the Noelomite. D-Bizzle was also late but called ahead and had someone else turn in a slip for him before he got there. Now we can truly say the little bitch phones it in. (Just kidding Dusty, you know we love ya.) Noel and I could have done the same, but we'd risk missing our turn, and besides, I personally would consider that cheating. (And I wouldn't want anyone saying I phone it in.)
NEW--How's Your Whole Family--Red Peters--The PKE book is so full of hidden treasures!
Brain Damage/Eclipse--Pink Floyd--Saw Wish You Were Here, an excellent Pink Floyd tribute band, the night before, so I had to whip out some Floydage.

MONDAY, JUNE 20, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS
How's Your Whole Family--Red Peters--See above.
Wish You Were Here--Pink Floyd--See above.

TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JUN 16-22)

Yes, for once there's enough to rank the top ten!

10. Between Home And Serenity--tonight at Howards Club H
9. Silence In The Wake--Friday at Happy Badger
8. Hidden In Plain View--tonight at Headliners
7. Sofa King Cool--Wednesday at Augie's
6. Those Transatlantics--Friday at Happy Badger
5. Angry Pill--Fri & Sat at Upper Deck
4. Scary Kids--tonight at Howards Club H
3. Clumsy Lovers--Friday at Mickey Finn's Pub
2. Quit Your Life--Friday at Happy Badger

And the best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

1. The Motel Beds--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JUN 10-16)

Deadbeat Moms--Friday at Underground
Don't Ask--Fri & Sat at Bluebird
After Trust Is Betrayed--Saturday at Underground
As Cities Burn--Saturday at Underground
Courageous Minority--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Bear Essentials--Wednesday at Papa's Tavern
Free Beer--Wednesday at Augie's

And the best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

Doug's Brother--Monday at Casa Barron

KARAOKE RECAPS: MAY 19-JUNE 6

[Note: Due to technical difficulties, I lost a few weeks worth of karaoke recaps.]

THURSDAY, MAY 19, MUTZ, 7 SONGS
Star Wars Cantina--Mark Jonathan Davis, The Saga Begins--Weird Al Yankovic, Yoda--Weird Al Yankovic--All duets with Noel. We were fresh from seeing Ep 3. Had to do 'em all. The 56 measure break during "Cantina" is ridiculous. We can only quote the movies so many times! Bumped "Saga" down a key, and "Yoda" down 3 keys.
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--19th time singing it, it's now my all-time leader.
Marijuanaville--David Alan Coe--Received a nice compliment for my off-stage bong hit bit.
NEW--Gay Wedding--Ducksoup--Reworking of Billy Idol's "White Wedding". Duet with David. A couple of months ago he did this with his then-boyfriend, I suggested the change at the last second, and they went with it. This time we changed a few more lyrics, so I'll count it as one of my parodies. I'm no Jon Ginoli, but I do my best.
Man! I Love Karaoke!--Ducksoup--Requested by Noel. Hadn't sung this since last summer. I've been wanting to update some of the references, but I only had the original lyrics on me. Good reception, except for some D.C. right up front who heckled me throughout. I so wanted to kick the bitch in the fucking teeth! It's called a PARODY, you retard! Weird Al made a career of it. Rent a clue!

SATURDAY, MAY 21, MUTZ, 5 SONGS
It's Been Awhile--Staind--Wanted to start the night with one I hadn't done for awhile. Noel picked the obvious.
Drinkin' Bone--Tracy Byrd--Another I hadn't done for awhile.
Volcano--Jimmy Buffett--Yet another I hadn't done for awhile. Then again, I haven't done "Margaritaville" for awhile either. Been too busy doing "Marijuanaville".
Love Shack--The B-52's--Duet with Rachael and Alesha. Best rendition of this one yet. Sadly it wasn't enough to get me and Sam in their pants...
Outside (acoustic)--Staind--...which was probably because Micki totally threw a cockblock during this song. (I won't go into details. Suffice to say, I will have my revenge.) I nailed it as usual anyway.

MONDAY, MAY 23, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS
NEW--Garden Party--Ricky Nelson--Picked two new songs to bump my total to 299, in prep for #300, which hopefully will be "Almost" by Bowling For Soup. Get it? 300? Bowling? Gosh, but I'm a clever bastid. If only they had "Take The Skinheads Bowling".
NEW--The Long And Winding Road--The Beatles--Gotta do this one more often. Ended up in a high EVV, but it works. Also further indulges my 'inner drama queen' along with Radiohead and Staind.

SATURDAY, MAY 28, MUTZ, 6 SONGS
Fish Heads--Barnes And Barnes--Duet with Noel. He found it in the book and insisted on opening the night with it. He took the verses, and I of course did my fish head voice on the refrain.
The Long And Winding Road--The Beatles--Drama queen time!
Somewhere Out There--Our Lady Peace--Right at the edge of my high limit, but I nailed it.
Marijuanaville--David Allan Coe--Kay was there, and last time she was there we dueted on "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" so I had to let her hear this one.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--This was for Levi, who is moving out of state, so this was his last Saturday at Mutz. I ran the show the last 2 hours, so I made sure to sked Levi as the last singer, and skedded myself next-to-last so I could pass a personal milestone: my 300th different song...
NEW--Take The Skinheads Bowling--Camper Van Beethoven--Turns out they DO have it! But it's mistakenly listed under V for "Van Beethoven", as if it were a person's name. Oy. Anyhoo, worked very well. There were a couple of guys near the 'stage' with shaved heads and they both got into the song, so that was a nice bonus.

MONDAY, MAY 30, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS
Take The Skinheads Bowling--Camper Van Beethoven--An encore of #300 for the SWL crowd.
NEW--Runnin' Down A Dream--Tom Petty--Couldn't decide on #301. Set out a few slips, Micki picked this one. I was gonna keep doing the 'woo-oo's at the end, but after a minute or two Micki got tired of them and just stopped the song cold. I was like, "Hey, you picked it!"
NEW--Under The Bridge--Red Hot Chili Peppers--#302. It's about damn time I got around to this. Of course, unlike everyone else I've heard do this, I do the ridiculously high, reminiscent-of-my-mom "UNDER THE BRIDGE DOWNTOWN!!!" part near the end. Since I did the rest of the song straight, this was nicely jarring to everyone listening.

FRIDAY, JUNE 3, BIER STUBE, 4 SONGS
NEW--Green Haze--Elvis Hitler--My tribute to Eddie Albert, who died the week before. It's simply the music of "Purple Haze" combined with the lyrics to the "Green Acres" theme song. Went okay for the first time.
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--One of my nephews and his wife showed up, so I wanted to finally whip out some of my A material for relatives. Had to use a real fork instead of a plastic one this time, which concerned me some, but I did get the nice, satisfying sound of it bouncing off whatever it hit when I tossed it.
You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'--The Righteous Brothers--Duet with Noel. Fat Bastard put this in but then didn't show for his turn, so we got drafted. Not bad, but Noel needs to practice it some before we try it again.
NEW--Feel Like Making Love--Bad Company--These three guys called me up to help out on it, at first I did backing vocals and improvised some harmony parts, but by the end of the song they had me doing the lead, so let's count this as #304.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, MUTZ, 3 SONGS
NEW--Another One Rides The Bus--Weird Al Yankovic--After my 8-hour TARTA odyssey (see previous post) I had to do this. However, the track was completely fucked up. Not a complete surprise, as it turns out it's from the same disc as the fucked up track to "She Drives Like Crazy" and the fucked up lyrics on "Yoda" (i.e. Obi-Juan). Note to self: Avoid songs numbered 860-**.
Detachable Penis--King Missile--A bachelorette party had a 5-foot-tall inflatable penis in tow, and they graciously let me use it as a prop during this song. I gotta say, of all the partners I've teamed up with in my karaoke history, this was the most successful, best-received pairing ever. They asked me to sign it too, so I graced it with my usual Kilroy, right in my own personal favorite spot.
Green Haze--Elvis Hitler--This time, I added an alternate version of the first verse during the second half of the song, borrowing the Stiffs.com blurb. Concept: If we could hear Eddie singing to us from beyond: "Green Acres *was* the place to be | Farm living *was* the life for me | But my friends, now that I have died | Keep Manhattan, just give me formaldehyde."
Bad night for me. Didn't get any songs in after 12. Just sat around the rest of the night sweating.

MONDAY, JUNE 6, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS
NEW--Give A Little Bit--Supertramp/Goo Goo Dolls--Had 3 new songs to pick from, put it to popular vote. Not bad, but not great either.
Green Haze--Elvis Hitler--Added a couple more elements: Traced a square in the air on the "Times Square" line; did the pitchfork take (Bomp bomp) with the mic stand at one point; and after one more "Green Acres, we are there" toward the end, I reworked a line from "Are You Experienced": "Not necessarily green, but...beautiful." This is getting so good I might just keep it in my regular rotation.

ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS

A rough timeline of my Saturday afternoon trip to Franklin Park Mall this past weekend to get a card and a gift for my karaoke buddy Noel's birthday.

12:00--I leave the house to catch the 32. It's several minutes late, but on a warm spring weekend that's to be expected.

12:30--I'm at the 12:20 lineup downtown. I go to get on the 2, but it looks a bit crowded, so I opt to go look for the 22. Once at the 22's block, I overhear a driver telling another passenger that the 22 broke down on the way downtown, so it's running even later than the rest of the fleet. I momentarily consider going back to the 2, but they break the lineup without the 22. Since I have time to kill and about a week's worth of newspapers to read, I decide to wait for the 22.

1:00--Noel calls from the library. If I'd remembered he was going to be over there I'd have gone over to hang with him for a bit and escape the 90-degree heat. No sign of the 22 yet.

1:30--I've been sitting in hot, humid, downtown Toledo for an hour with nothing to do but read the paper. Still no 22. I've gotten through about 2 days of papers waiting. A few minutes later, buses start arriving for the 1:30 lineup. The 22 finally shows up around 1:40. The lineup breaks around 1:45

2:15--I'm on the 22, arriving at Westgate. Once there, I get a bad feeling. When we start heading back toward Secor and Central, I realize it's a good thing I have so much paper to read and time to kill. I forgot the 22 doesn't continue on to FPM on weekends. Now I have to ride back downtown for the so-called "2:40" lineup.

3:00--I'm at the 2:40 lineup, finally on the 2, waiting to leave. Lineup breaks about 3:05.

3:10--On the 2, at Monroe and Collingwood. The bus has started to make an extremely loud beeping noise and has stalled out. The driver tries a couple of times to start it back up, but each time the beeping noise will not shut off.

3:20--By this time my fellow riders don't care if the damn thing keeps beeping, as long as it runs. Let's just get to where the heck we're going. The driver has radioed in for another bus, which will meet us at Monroe and Detroit.

3:25--We get to Monroe and Detroit, and proceed to wait for the other bus.

3:30--The other bus arrives. We make the switch and get back underway.

3:45--Somewhere around Monroe and Secor, the bus stalls out. After a minute it refires. Thankfully there's no beeping. Yet.

4:00--A full FOUR HOURS after leaving the house, I finally arrive at the mall. As I deboard the bus starts beeping. Poor driver. I text my pal Max, a TARTA savant, to tell him of my misadventures. He's too busy to talk, so rather than TM the whole story I wait until later when he's got a minute.

4:20--It's 4:20, so natch I go smoke a doob in the restroom. Just kidding. But with the day I've had up to that point, I probably could've used it!

4:25--I've gotten what I went there for in the first place (I'll tell you at the end), so I hit the food court to relax, have a bite, and do the crosswords and other puzzles I've saved from all the papers I've read through.

5:45--I head back out to the bus stop, find a shady spot to sit and wait and read more paper. Did I mention it was a 90-degree day?

6:00--Bus arrives. Same driver. Not sure if it's the same bus or not but all seems to be working well. We head downtown for the "6:10" lineup.

6:20--My eyes are tired from all the reading, so I decide to go ahead and send Max a series of TMs describing my day spent in the TARTA Twilight Zone. He can only laugh in repsonse, and I don't blame him. I kept laughing at my predicament throughout. Little did I know there was a Part Two coming, and it would not be as funny...

6:25--Monroe and Detroit. Bus starts making a slightly different beeping noise. Some of my fellow riders and I begin having flashbacks. It's not as loud this time and we're still moving, so we should be okay.

6:30--We're just about to pass the former Macomber (aka Make-'Em-Dumber) HS, a mere 2 or 3 minutes, mind you, from arriving at the lineup, when the driver tells us that the order has been given to break the lineup without us. The bus erupts in protest, but it's not our driver's fault. As we continue down Monroe, I can see all the way to Summit, where sure enough I can see some of the buses heading away from downtown, including my 32. The lineups have already been ridiculously late all day, would another 2 minutes have killed anyone? Whoever the dispatcher was who made this call ought to be horsewhipped. (And I had a bus full of volunteers.) The whole time I continue to TM Max, who started laughing at me even more at this point. Fucker.

6:33--Rather than sit downtown in the heat for an hour (as I had done once already), several of us decided to stay on the bus as she ran her 17 route, which she promised was shorter so we wouldn't miss the next lineup.

6:45--I have no choice but to regale my fellow riders with my tale of woe, just so they know that no matter how insane their day has now become, mine has been more so.

7:00--It was somewhere around this time that I really started to miss having my own wheels. Only natch...here I am, joyriding around, killing time, enjoying the AC, avoiding the heat...exactly what I'd be doing at that time on a day like this if I had wheels.

7:55--So after my leisurely 17 ride, and another late lineup, I am back on the 32 and in the homestretch. Noel calls to confirm picking me up for karaoke. "Buddy, have I got a story to tell you on the way!"

8:00--Back home at last. Never could I have imagined it would take me EIGHT HOURS to go across town to the mall and back. I could have hopped a Greyhound and gone to visit Willie in South Bend and gotten back sooner!

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (MAY 19-25)

Spazmatics--Fri & Sat at Firehouse 47
The Bleeding Deacons--Saturday at Mickey Finn's
Taking On Explosives--Saturday at Underground
Them One Guys--Saturday at Headliners
Attacked By Wolves--Monday at Mickey Finn's

And the best band name playing the Toledo area this week:

"Sofa" King Cool--Wednesday at Augie's

BAAAAA!

Got my advance ticket for Star Wars and skedded the night off work. I feel like such a friggin' sheep.

PROOF

By the way, let me share with you the undeniable proof that I am, indeed, incapable of violence:

George W. Bush is still alive.

This, alas, is the one unfortunate side effect of my pacifism. Sorry, everybody.

I GOTTA GO BUY MYSELF A DIGITAL CAMERA A.S.A.P.

So I look out at the back yard just now, and see some of the flowers my mom planted before she died, tulips, daffodils, etc., and the tops are collecting snow. One of the strangest sights I've ever seen.

Toledo weather...you just can't outweird it.

LATEST KARAOKE UPDATE BELOW...BUT FIRST, I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE ALL YOU OTHER KARAOKE SINGERS AS BLOODY FUCKING ENVIOUS AS POSSIBLE...

As I write this, next to me sits..."THE BOOK".

Are you salivating yet?

Yes, The Book. The Good Book, if you will. The Mother Of All Karaoke Books!

Yes, the one and only Premiere Karaoke Songbook, in all its "virtually duplicate free" glory. 191 pages, countless thousands of songs, double-column format (the single-column version was getting TOO THICK to add new pages!), now sits beside me, awaiting my eagle-eye proofreading skills, to weed out any and all spelling/wording errors.

And if along the way, I manage to fill out a slip for every possible song I might even THINK about doing...well, no harm, no foul.

Did I say countless thousands? Well, sure, that is, until I get in a crazy-enough mood to start counting them! Muwahahahahaha!!!

KARAOKE RECAP: SAT APR 9, MUTZ, 6 SONGS

NEW--California Girls--The Beach Boys
Figured You Out--NickelbackSang it nice and angry.
Stealin'--Uriah Heep
NEW--Friends Never Say Goodbye--Elton John--Rehearsed it all day Saturday, but then it turned out to be a diff version, and I got thrown. Sang half the notes wrong I'm sure. Didn't matter.
Ace Of Spades--MotorheadIt was this or Radiohead, but since Jason (Satan) showed up and Levi didn't, Motorhead won out. Jason was impressed, and of course he had to play helper monkey, which I don't mind. The mic stand didn't go up as high as the first time I did it, so the Lemmy effect wasn't as strong. Plus I still need the fake boils.
I'll Be Seeing You--Frank Sinatra

LONGEST...KARAOKE RECAP...EVER!

Feb 26-Apr 4
NEW--Ace Of Spades--Motorhead--Works very well. Jason (aka Satan) will be proud of me when he hears it. I put the mic stand even higher than I already do, to achieve maximum Lemmy effect. All I need now is a couple of fake boils to stick on my face!
NEW--Ain't No Sunshine--Bill Withers--I felt like challenging myself. Could I get through all 26 "I know"s in one breath? Answer: Almost...I got 25.
American Idiot--Green Day--People love my 'red state agenda' line.
Birthday--The Beatles--Once for Doug and once for myself. We teamed up. Doug likes to do the scream.
NEW--Born To Be Wild--Steppenwolf--Joined Mighty Mouse for an improptu duet. Worked well.
NEW--Boulevard Of Broken Dreams--Green Day--Stole it from Noel. We've sort of been taking turns on this one. Not as strenuous as "American Idiot", but still pushing the range a bit.
Carefree Highway--Gordon Lightfoot--Dusted off some of my lower-range songs while I was sick and my mid-to-high was shot.
The Curly Shuffle--Jump 'n The Saddle Band--Mighty Mouse requested it. Hadn't done it for a while because it's a real workout. But I still get many compliments on it.
NEW--Dear Prudence--The Beatles--Had been sitting in the Need-It pile for some time. Turns out I like hearing it more than singing it.
Detachable Penis--King Missile--Still gets raves even though I'm not singing. WTF?
Drinkin' Bone--Tracy Byrd--Doug hardly sings anymore. Perhaps I've stolen one too many songs from him? Oh well, too bad..."How'd I Wind Up In Jamaica" is next on my to-do list. I just need one specific prop and I'll be ready.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--Still nailing it for the most part and still enjoying it.
NEW--Figured You Out--Nickelback
Float On--Modest Mouse--Sam helped me do a song-smashup on this one. I had him sing "Float On" while I tossed in bits of "Sunday Bloody Sunday" which, face it, is what "Float On" sounds a lot like. I think the smashup worked well, though the crowd didn't know what to make of it. Peasants!
NEW--Got The Time--Anthrax--Another one that sat in the Need-It pile too long. Stole it from Jason (aka Satan) who ended up singing just about the whole song with me. I didn't really need that much help though, he was only supposed to do the backup parts.
Hurt--Johnny Cash--Low-range song for when I was sick.
I Don't Like Mondays--The Boomtown Rats--Sung at SWL leading into my birthday. Halfway through I changed "Mondays" to "Birthdays".
I Miss You--Blink 182--Had to come back to this one at some point, because first time I did it I failed to do the obligatory Blink 182 accent. (Someone please explain how a band from San Diego ends up sounding like they're from Jersey?
NEW--I Wanna Be Sedated--The Ramones--Stole it from and then dueted on it with Dusty (aka D-Bizzle). Every now and then I change "Sedated" to "Fellated".
NEW--I'm Too Sexy--Right Said Fred--A recent South Park ep featured a Chinese singer from New Zealand named Wing, who sang songs like "Dancing Queen", "Fernando" and "Sing A Song" in an almost Yoko-esque falsetto. Within hours I was doing a spot-on Wing imitation. Soon after, so was Noel. In a shining example of just how oddly our brains are wired, we somehow decided to sing "I'm Too Sexy" as a duet, both in our Wing voices. Don't ask.
If I Had $1,000,000--Barenaked Ladies
The Lion Sleeps Tonight--The Tokens--Did this while sick. What was I thinking? Someone dueted with me, but I forget whom.
Marijuanaville--David Allan Coe--Have done this 5 times since the last recap. Crowd loves it everywhere I go. What's odd is, I get in trouble for certain other parodies, but this one meets no resistance. I guess there are more potheads out there than I thought. (D&M, is there something I should know about you guys?) I added a new bit: during the instrumental break I sneak off (with mike in hand) for a few pretend hits, then come back in full stoner mode. Doug hopes to have a bong sound effect ready for this part in the near future.
Miserable--Lit--Fucked up my 2nd try at this worse than my 1st. Maybe 3rd time will be a charm, if I make a 3rd try.
Mother--Pink Floyd--Did this March 5th, 3 years to the day she died.
My Happy Ending--Avril Lavigne--While sick, I still had the EVV so I decided to do one from my Avril/Britney/etc batch. I couldn't pick one so I let Doug pick. Bad choice, turns out. Sucked big time.
1979--Smashing Pumpkins--Some guy did "33", first guy I've heard besides myself to try to sound like Billy Corgan. He did good, but being me, I had to throw down.
Oh Pretty Woman--Roy Orbison
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--Crowd loves it, the chicks dig when I sing to them, and I now do Al's fork bit in the middle.
Outside (live acoustic version--Aaron Lewis & Fred Durst--Slowly catching up to the original.
Poisoning Pigeons In The Park--Tom Lehrer--Spring is here. Once solo, and once as a duet with Noel.
NEW--Rawhide--The Blues Brothers--Something low-range while sick. Luckily nobody threw any bottles, because I was fresh out of chicken wire.
NEW--Saturday Night--The Bay City Rollers--In a year and a half of Saturday nights at Mutz, I'd never heard anyone do this one. So I took a shot. Now I know why I never heard it.
NEW--Schiavo--Steve Dahl--Parody of "Shilo" by Neil Diamond. I did it at Center Court the night before she died. Timing is everything.
NEW--She Blocked Me--Bob Ricci--From a flash animation online. Well received.
NEW--Shilo--Neil Diamond--Did this at CC in order to set up "Schiavo", and also to see how the karaoke track goes. The song ends abruptly, without the "Shilo...Shilo..." part at the end. So I moved that part to the middle instrum break on "Schiavo", at which point I also add my imitation of T.S. sounding like something at Sea World. (BTW, my Neil Diamond is right on. Even better than Dahl's, IMHO.)
NEW--Sister Golden Hair--America--Dahl recently had Gerry Beckley on his show and got to perform "SGH" with him. Had to try my hand at it. I came close to lapsing into the EVV a couple times at first, but now my GBV is right on!
NEW--Star Wars Cantina--Mark Jonathan Davis--Parody of "Copacabana", of course. Duet with Noel. Yes, we certainly seem to be kindred spirits.
Tiptoe Thru The Tulips--Tiny Tim--Only because I hadn't done it at Mutz since last spring, so most of my current karaoke comrades hadn't heard my spot-on TTV.
Transcendental Blues--Steve Earle--Got a cold? Voice is raspy? Not sure what to sing at karaoke at a time like this? Well that, my friend, is why Steve Earle is in the book.
Turn The Page--Bob Seger--"You drink the day's last Triple Black..."
Wish You Were Here--Pink Floyd--Also on March 5th, along with "Mother" and "I Miss You". No, I won't be getting over it, thank you. Ever.
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--I've had to do this one less frequently, especially at Mutz. I think some of the regular gals know that I work the ladies in the crowd on this one, and some of them seem to run and hide during it. Guess I can't blame them...after all, considering some of the songs I've sung in the past, who knows what I'm capable of? Right?

Finally, so that you can all judge for yourself, here are the lyrics to "Schiavo" as written by S.R. Dahl, 3/22/05:

Young child in jeans
Sometimes those jeans were too tight
The pounds melt away
When you can't give up the fight
Papa says that he loves to be with you
But you've got no brain
So he turns to the only friend he can find
The evangelical mind

Schiavo when you were young
They used to call you names
The dinner bell was rung
Schiavo you always came
Come today

She went on a diet
Something she said she understood
She wanted less thigh
Starving is never too good
Anorexics lose their potassium
And a dress size or two
All I'm thinking is she looked so tanned and hot
There on the news

Schiavo when you were young
They used to call you names
The dinner bell was rung
Schiavo you always came
Come today

Had a tube and it filled you with breakfast
Michael had other plans
Gotta go and I hope that you'll understand
You'll understand

Schiavo when you were young
They used to call you names
The dinner bell was rung
Schiavo you always came
Come today

40

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (MARCH 4-10)

Infinite Number Of Sounds--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Ooba Tooba--tonight at Happy Badger
Schmuck Ba--tonight at Fuse
This Exploding--tonight at Longhorn Saloon, Saturday at Fuse
Binge Crosby--Saturday at Ernie's Lounge
Bear Essentials--Wednesday at Papa's Tavern

And the best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

Dick Van Dork--tonight and Saturday at Old Roadhouse Inn

ANGER MANAGEMENT

I have no idea who wrote the following but it's fabulous. Enjoy!

***

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Stephen. May I please speak with Robin Carter"? Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW M3 cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me and then stuck his middle finger out the window and waved it around. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, ( I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW M3 for sale?" "Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a very modern white house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Burgemeyer."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a white house, and to make easy for you, my black BMW M3 is parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole. Bring your lunch!"

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. This anger management thing really works!!

KARAOKE RECAPS

SAT FEB 19, MUTZ, 4 SONGS

Was all set to do Anthrax, but Jason (aka Satan) was a no-show, as were just about all the other 'karaoke all-stars', i.e. Bev, Levi, Noel, Sam, etc. In their place were my new comrades Erica, David and Josh, and a couple of coke fiends we all hope to never see again! Eeeeeeeeee.

The Rose--Bette Midler--For my cousin Wendy, who died the week before last, and who was singing in bars, with a band, at age 11, before there was such a thing as karaoke, belting out Benatar and the like. This was one of her faves, and it was played at her memorial service. (I know, I know, I have a tendency to sing songs for dead people. Well, if they'd stop dying on me I could take a break!)
The Saga Begins--Weird Al Yankovic--Some guy did "American Pie". Had to follow with this. Just call me Pavlov's Duck.
Daughter--Pearl Jam--Sent this one out to that homophobic moron Alan Keyes, whose daughter Maya came out last week and was prompty disowned by the brainless asswipe. "Hey hey, my my, Alan Keyes can eat shit and die!"
Detachable Penis--King Missile--D&M requested it. Micki wasn't there last week and missed it. Rave reviews once again. No one seems to care that I'm not actually singing. Whatever.

MON FEB 21, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS
Miserable--Lit--Went through my "Need-it's", picked this out for no particular reason, and only messed up twice. Next time, I'll nail it.
Beat Me--CustomWell within vocal range, but very tough to breathe properly through.

KARAOKE RECAP: SAT FEB 12, MUTZ, 4 SONGS

Turn The Page--Bob Seger--Had to try my new lyric change: "You drink the day's last Triple Black, remembering what she said..."
Take A Picture--Filter--Love it, gotta get good at it. Went lower on the shouting part, seemed to work.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--It was either this or "Got The Time" by Anthrax for Jason (aka Satan), but Radiohead fan Levi showed up first. Tonight, J, I'm doing Anthrax, I promise!
Detachable Penis--King Missile--Someone else put this in and then didn't show, so I offered to fill in. Surprisingly well-received. Even got the crowd singing along on the "Detachable Penis" part. Fuck, all I did was recite the lyrics! It's not even sung! They loved it anyway. Go fig.

QUOTE DU JOUR

"February 2 was Groundhog Day. It was also the day W gave his State of the Union Address. It was an ironic juxtaposition of events: One involved a meaningless ritual in which we looked to a creature of little intelligence for an accurate prognostication of the future. The other involved a groundhog."

--Terry "T-Dog" Lodge

KARAOKE RECAP: MON FEB 7, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS

Missed Mutz on the 5th due to my ankle injury. Managed to hobble to SWL on crutches.

NEW--Do You Really Want To Hurt Me--Culture Club--Heard this the night before, thot it would sound good in the EVV voice. Not bad.
NEW--Take A Picture--Filter--Heard this on Dahl a couple of weeks ago, can't stop listening to it, had to try it.

KARAOKE RECAPS

Sorry folks, but I wanted to take at least a week off to mourn the passing of Mr. Carson. Plus I've had other stressful situations to deal with lately. On top of it all, I fucked up my ankle slipping on ice Tuesday night while leaving for work. To quote the Rutles: "Ouch! Ow! Ow! Ouch!"

So while I'm stuck here, hobbled, I might as well catch up on these...

SAT JAN 22, MUTZ, 4 SONGS
Runaway Train--Soul Asylum--I just felt like it.
NEW--In My Life--The Beatles--Popped into my head on the way down there. So I tried it. Not bad.
Float On--Modest Mouse--By request.
Big Bottom--Spinal Tap--Someone did "Baby Got Back", someone else did "Fat Bottomed Girls", so I had to complete the hat trick.

MON JAN 24, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS
NEW--I'll Be Seeing You; NEW--One For My Baby; Tiptoe Thru The Tulips
A triple tribute to Johnny: His favorite song, followed by the one Bette Midler did on the next-to-last show, and finally Tiny Tim just for the heck of it.

SAT JAN 29, MUTZ, 5 SONGS
One For My Baby--Frank Sinatra--Had to do at least one of these at Mutz.
Masochism Tango--Tom Lehrer--Duet with Noel. Had to school him on it.
Stealin'--Uriah HeepI hadn't sung it in a while.
American Idiot--Green Day--A couple of idiots did "Back When" billing themselves as "The Republicans". So I countered with this in the interest of equal time. I got the better response, especially with my slight lyric change "I'm not a part of a red state agenda". My peeps love that.
Love Shack--The B-52's--Two ladies asked me to suggest a song for them. I pitched this as one I could help them with. Who am I to pass up a 3-way with two women?

MON JAN 31, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 1 SONG
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--Was gonna do "American Idiot" but didn't feel my voice was 100% so I switched. What the fuck was I thinking?!

Okay, that should take care of any outstanding business. Now I can get back to sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

***

BONUS POST:

RE: THE TSUNAMI SONG

By now you've probably heard the ruckus over "The Tsunami Song", which got a gaggle of radio jocks canned in NYC. Of course, most news outlets reporting the story will, predictably, never pass along the actual lyrics, so you, Joe Q. Public, can judge for yourself.

So I hit my preferred file-sharing site, found the tune, gave it a listen, and in my humble opinion, from a musical standpoint, you're not missing much. The singing is lame, the pacing is lame, and it's just plain not funny. Even if I weren't offended by the racial slurs, I still wouldn't laugh at the song. It sucks. It wallows in lameness. If I were the one in charge of that station I would have fired the lot of them for not being funny, I wouldn't even get to the racial slurs and whatnot.

Still, for those who want to peruse the lyrics, here ya go, knock yourself out...

***
There was a time when the sun was shining bright
So I went down to the beach to catch me a tan
Then the next thing I knew, a wave 20 feet high
Came and washed your whole country away

And all at once you could hear the screaming chinks
And no one was safe from the wave
There were Africans drowning, little Chinamen swept away
You could hear God laughing, "Swim, you bitches, swim"

So now you're screwed, it's the tsunami
You better run or kiss your ass away, go find your mommy
I just saw her float by, a tree went through her head
And now your children will be sold to child slavery
***

PS: I couldn't help but be reminded of another "We Are The World" parody, this one from about 20 years ago. Willie and I recorded this one back in Grand Rapids. Looking back now, it was also pretty stupid, but we had an excuse: We were a couple of weird 19-year-olds dealing with the insane environment of Job Corps!

"We Are The Snot"
There comes a time when we pick a certain nose
When the snot must come together as one
There are boogers flying
And it's time to lend a finger to snot
The greatest gift of all

We keep it loose, picking day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon pick a nose
We're all a part of snot's great big family
And the truth, you know snot is all we need

(chorus)
We are the snot, we are the sickening
We are the ones who make a tasty snack
So let's start picking
There's a nose we're picking
We're picking our own nose
It's true we pick a brighter nose
Just you and me

Well, send 'em your snot
So they know that someone cares
And their nose will be stronger and free
As snot has shown us
By turning fingers green
And so we all must lend a helping finger

(repeat chorus)

When you're down and out
There seems no snot at all
But if you just believe
There's no snot that will fall
Well, well, well, let's realize
That a snot can only come
When we pick together as one
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!

(repeat chorus ad nauseam)

(c) 1985 by USA For Mucus

JOHNNY CARSON

King of comedy and sharp-dressed man

October 23, 1925-January 23, 2005

JOHNNY, I BID YOU A VERY HEARTFELT GOODNIGHT.

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

In that small café
The park across the way
The children’s carousel
The chestnut tree
The wishing well

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day
In everything that’s light and gay
I’ll always think of you that way

I’ll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll be seeing you

KARAOKE RECAPS

SAT JAN 15, MUTZ, 4 SONGS

NEW--Polk Salad Annie--Tony Joe White--Dahl played some TJW recently, this is the only TJW that PKE has, so I took it on. Wanted to be sure to get the grunts right. I did, but that was about it.
Tuesday's Gone--Lynyrd Skynyrd
NEW--American Idiot--Green Day--Stole the slip. I think I did good except for breathing right. On the line "I'm not part of a redneck agenda" I changed "redneck" to "red state".
Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand--Had 3 songs picked out to finish on, I took a vote among my comrades, this won.

MON JAN 17, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS

NEW--You Get What You Give--New Radicals--Felt compelled to try it for some reason. Did a so-so job. The high notes are tricky and that whole bit at the end about Hanson and Marilyn Manson etc. is nearly impossible.
NEW--White Houses--Vanessa Carlton--Heard it on Dahl. She has a cute voice, and she's singing about losing her virginity, which makes it even hotter. I, of course, had to perform a sex-change on the lyrics, and to make it fit my own experience.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--See Ducksoup defy the laws of physics! Hear him sing notes of dizzying heights! And all without a safety net!

WED JAN 19, CENTER COURT, 1 SONG

Fat Girls--Ducksoup--Took another shot. I think the problem is that not enough people know the original. I might have to re-apply the concept to a more well-known song. That or just memorize "Baby Got Back", but so many people sing that that it's lost its impact. What's a chubby-chasing karaokaholic to do?

KARAOKE RECAP: WED JAN 12, CENTER COURT LOUNGE, 1 SONG

Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--What is with me and this song?! Maybe it's that my nailing a high-up song like this seems to defy some fundamental law of physics. And of course, I'm nothing if not defiant.

KARAOKE RECAPS:

SATURDAY, JANUARY 8, MUTZ, 6 SONGS

For the first 3-4 songs it was just me and Doug. Just like the old days at Mugzie's. (sigh) Memories...

Turn The Page--Bob Seger--On my mind since NYE. The lady friend can sing it in the car, hoping to convince her she can sing it at karaoke as well.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--Not quite sick of it yet.
Not For You--Pearl Jam
Outside--Staind--14th time for this one. There's one tricky spot where my voice cracks every now and then. Dammit.
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--14th time for this one, so they're still tied for first. Wanted to work the crowd before the big premiere...
NEW--Fat Girls--Ducksoup--A parody of "Mad World" which I wrote Friday afternoon. Sort of a kinder, gentler "Baby Got Back", actually along the same lines of the Snackstreet Boys' "I Want A Fat Babe", but to a tune that's well within my range. (To save space here, those who would like to read the lyrics can request them by email at askduckpond@sacbeemail.com)

MONDAY, JANUARY 10, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS

NEW--Ohio--Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young--Earlier in the day, a statue was unveiled downtown of former Ohio governor James Rhodes, the scumbag responsible for the Kent State shootings. A dozen of us were there to protest, chanting "Four dead in Ohio". It would be far more appropriate to put up a statue paying tribute to Allison Krause, Jeffrey Miller*, Sandra Scheuer*, and William Schroeder, instead of a statue of the man responsible for their deaths. As it was, I paid them my own small tribute.
It's Been Awhile--Staind--...since I sang this song.
NEW--So Yesterday--Hilary Duff--Completing my Spears/Lavigne/Duff hat trick. Tried the EVV...too low. Tried an HDV...too high. I shoulda went with my Kinison song like I was going to in the first place.

*A couple of Kent State connections:
My fellow NWOPCer Betty C. taught at Kent State at the time, and Scheuer was one of her students.
My geography teacher at Rogers HS attended Kent State and was roommates with Miller. (The year I was in his class, there was a TV-movie about Kent State which he taped and screened for us. Interesting bit of trivia he pointed out: The infamous photo of the girl kneeling in horror next to one of the slain students inspired the line in the song "What if you knew her and found her dead on the ground..." because CSNY thought the slain student in the photo was female. But in fact, it was Miller.)

KARAOKE RECAP: MONDAY, JANUARY 3, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 5 SONGS

NEW--Big Empty--Stone Temple Pilots--Stole the slip from someone who did it at Mutz last week. I do good on STP, forgot this one.
Losing My Religion--R.E.M.--Stole this slip weeks ago. Finally got to it. Dunno why I didn't start doing this one months ago.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--I'm just really digging singing this right now. Probably because it should be too high for me but it's not.
You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'--The Righteous Brothers--Duet with Doug. But frankly I think it works better with Fat Bastard.
Daysleeper--R.E.M.--Hmm. Two R.E.M. songs for the night. No reason. Just coinkydink.

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM A SPRAINED MIND

Just freeing up some memory space in my post-New Year's brain...

***

For New Year's Eve, my lady friend and I went to Port Clinton to see the famed "Walleye Drop" in which a 20-foot long fiberglass walleye named Wylie was "dropped" (or rather, "slowly lowered down a cable") into a net at the stroke of midnight. (Well, actually the timing was a bit off, he hit the net several seconds late.) Those folks in Port Clinton really know how to party...By 12:15-12:20 most of the crowd seemed to have dispersed and gone home. The evening's entertainment included an Elvis impersonator and a barbershop quartet, in spite of which we somehow managed to have a good time.

Picked myself up a few items during the visit: Got a black feather boa, which would have been just the thing to top off my "Sweet Transvestite" outfit. (Wait til next Halloween.) Also got a couple of buttons that are SO me:

"My sexual preference is often"
and
"Behind every great woman...is a man checking out her ass" (How 'me' can you get?)

Sad to say, I was unable to make it to Waterville for the New Year's Day polar bear swim. Nor did I make to Sandusky Speedway for the Hangover 100 race, but all the snow was gone anyway.

***

Okay, this next thing is still bugging me...

There's this online IQ test (web.tickle.com) that includes a fucked-up question. I sent an email "to whom it may concern" months ago to suggest a correction but they still haven't fixed it.

(WARNING: MATH AHEAD! Those who have an aversion to math problems may want to skip this item. You know, like most Americans.)

Here's the question:

Two cars start off at the same point on a straight highway facing opposite directions. Each car drives for 6 miles, takes a left turn, and drives for 8 miles. How far apart are the two cars?
2 miles
11 miles
14 miles
20 miles
26 miles

Now, all the questions on the test give multiple choices, and some include the choice "It's impossible to tell", which is not one of the choices for this question, but is in fact the correct answer.

The answer they're apparently looking for is 20, based on the Pythagorean Theorem: "The sum of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides." However, this is assuming that each car turned at an exact right angle. If the question specified that each car made "a 90-degree left turn onto another straight highway", 20 would be the correct answer. But no angle is specified (let alone whether or not the other highways are straight).

I therefore urge you to send an email to support@tickle-inc.com and insist that they correct this blatant and inexcusable error! (Unless, unlike me, you have a life.)

***

The rest of these are items from the last week's worth of newspapers that I thought I'd pass along and/or comment on.

***

There was an article about former Ohio State QB and chronic gamble-holic Art Schlichter (and after all these 20+ years I still can't pronounce "Schlichter") which reminded me I have yet to run my recent interview with him. I might post it here in the near-future. Or not. Anyhoo here's an excerpt:

Schlichter: "Actually, Duck, I'm happy to announce that I've finally beaten my gambling addiction."
Ducksoup: "No disrespect, Art, but I highly doubt that."
Schlichter: "Oh yeah? Wanna bet?"
[rim shot]

***

Over-used words and phrases from 2004:

"Flip-flop"
"And I approved this message"
"You're fired!"
"Sale event"
"Body wash"
"Zero-percent APR financing"
"Wardrobe malfunction"
"Pockets of resistance"
"Enemy combatant"
"Improvised explosive device"
"Battleground state"
"Security moms"
"Girlie men"
"Values voters"
"Coalition of the willing"
"Bring it on"
"Ownership society"
"Mandate"
"Reverse the curse"
"Green zone"
"What would Jesus drive?"
"Companion animals"
"Embeds"
"Shots rang out"
"In harm's way"
"It is what it is"
"Swift boats"
"Little Gitmo"
"Stop-loss"

Most of these, of course, would make damn fine band names.

***

A question from "Ask Marilyn": "Say that May 2 is on a Monday, which means May 6 is on a Friday. Six minus two equals four, yet five days have passed. What am I missing?"--Brenda Haury, Valley Center, Kan.

Well, what'd you expect? Kansas is, after all, a red state. (Marilyn of course failed to give the correct answer to the question, which of course would be "a brain.")

***

From the editorial letter section, David J. Undis, Executive Director of LifeSharers, Nashville TN has one of the best ideas I've ever heard:

"The solution to the organ shortage is simple: If you don't agree to donate your organs when you die, then you go to the back of the waiting list if you ever need an organ to live."

I try not to ever say this but...AMEN!

***

"MINOT, N.D.--Thirty-six children were injured in a sledding accident during an all-night New Year's Eve party hosted by a religious organization."

No, that's not a typo, folks. THIRTY-SIX. In ONE accident. What, were they sledding on an interstate in heavy fog?!

"Police Sgt. Winston Black said more than 100 children ages 12 to 19 attending a Youth for Christ event gathered at a high school around 4 a.m. to slide down a hill using sleds built out of cardboard boxes. A sign posted on the hill prohibited sledding."

Again, that's "Youth for Christ", not "Youth for Literacy". (North Dakota: yes, another red state.)

"The children and Youth for Christ staff piled eight to 12 passengers on the sleds, then went down the hill in quick succession, Sergeant Black said. 'The sleds struck rocks, a light pole, and each other,' he said."

I wouldn't be surprised if the accident was started by either Jimmy Sphincter or Robby Gourdhead. Damn restrictor plate sledding!

***

"Officials are considering a proposed multi-million dollar expansion to the Palace of Auburn Hills, home of the Detroit Pistons. Planned additions include restaurants, suites, and a banquet facility."

How 'bout a jail cell? (It could double as a locker room next time the Pacers are in town.)

***

"BUFFALO, Mo.--A man apparently upset over his share of a family inheritance shot and killed his sister and brother-in-law and then killed himself, authorities said."

I dunno, this guy's math seems flawed to me. (Well whatcha know, Missouri: yet another red state! Man, this is like shooting fish in a barrel.)

***

"Congress passed a bill in November designating the oak as our national tree, and the President has signed it into law."

I guess it's about time the U.S. had a "national tree", seeing as so many people in the red states are still living in trees.