I WONDER...

When is Burger King going to do one of those "Whopper Virgin" ads in India?

"This is Sanjay, a tech support operator in Mumbai. He's never had a burger..."

PERFECTLY AWFUL

ANOTHER FREE IDEA FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO RUN WITH IT

Clue: The Serial Killer Edition

Example: "Mr. Dahmer, in the smelly apartment, with the vat of acid."

TELL ME IF THIS IS GOOD OR BAD...

In that one commercial for Guitar Hero, I recognize Tony Hawk on drums. The other 3 guys, I have no clue.

DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?

Thought of a really good idea in the shower just now, and just googled it to see if anyone else had thought of it already. Nothing came up. So let me just float this idea out there in case anyone is interested in taking it on...

I think there ought to be a support group for family and friends of non-believers, sort of like PFLAG.

For all of my friends and relatives who are reading this, here's a chance to do something really nice for others like you.

I came out as bisexual by birth (and straight by choice) just a few years ago, and I have been fortunate that practically everyone has accepted me as such.

On the other hand, I came out as a non-believer nearly 30 years ago, and I still am met with non-acceptance constantly from all sides (mainly relatives, to be frank).

And as yet another holiday season approaches its climax, there are still those in my life who just can't seem to fully accept that I want nothing to do with any of it.

For example, my dad still sends me a Xmas card every year, which is basically the equivalent of constantly setting your son up on dates with women for 3 decades after he comes out as gay. (PS: Here's a couple of alternative ideas...how about a Solstice card? Or Festivus?)

I am a non-believer. I was born this way and I'll die this way. There is nothing wrong with me. Just like being bi or bald or blue-eyed or left-handed, it is not a disease or a defect. I couldn't change if I wanted to, which I don't. I like me just the way I am.

Everybody...I'm here, I'm atheist, get used to it! You've had plenty of time.

And here's hoping somebody reading this--friend, relative, whomever--picks up the ball and starts that support group!

Duck Pond temperature when I woke up this morning:

9.7 C /49.4 F

SEQUEL, ANYONE?

Remember the "Bin Laden Liquors" online flash game that came out shortly after 9/11? Somebody needs to put together a similar flash game in which you throw shoes at Dubya! I'd do it myself but I have no idea how to do that stuff.

PS: Much to my delight, the folks at SOCK AND AWE have made just such a game! Have fun and good luck, the former cheerleader can dodge those shoes like they were the Vietnam-era draft!

GOOD OL' SHOE

(If you don't get the above reference to "Wag The Dog", go rent it already!)

Obvi my new hero is the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at George W. Douchebag. WTG dude, you've got sole! (Or as Keith Olbermann says, "Iraqi journalism: left shoe, right shoe. Fair and balanced!)

And no, I haven't been forgetting to post the Duck Pond temperature, I've stopped because I'm now using a space heater, which unfortunately defeats the purpose of tracking the temperature difference down here from summer to winter, but I can tell you that the heater was off most of the day today, and a little while ago it was 52.7 F. Brr.

I KNEW HE REMINDED ME OF SOMEBODY...

THE USELESS TOOLS

Yet another band name has moved from the Unused list to the Used list. (Or should it be the Useless list?)

Click here to check out The Useless Tools and hear some of their work.

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

[cue Dr. Demento countdown music] "It's time for number one...this is it, here it comes...NUMBER ONE!"

1. WHALE TAIL

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

2. Nail Gun!

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

3. It's Illegal To Say...

(Note: In case you watch this a few months from now, this sketch orignally aired in 2007.)

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

4. Kicking Guy

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

5. Elephant

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

6. Our Label Is Run By Homos

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

7. Dinosaur Rap

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

8. Religious Cult

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

9. Feeler Doc

DUCKSOUP'S TOP TEN SKETCHES FROM "THE WHITEST KIDS U'KNOW"

As promised, here are my 10 favorite WKUK sketches, starting with...

10. Francis Scott Key

CATCH OF THE DAY

Kudos to Bob & Ron of the Steve Dahl Show who correctly pointed out this morning that "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins blatantly rips off the guitar part from "Funk #49" by the James Gang. LAWSUIT TIME!

Current Duck Pond temperature:
14.2 C / 57.5 F

I SUCK

Yeah I know, I've been slacking on posts again. I'm working on an investigative report right now, I'll have that up here ASAP. Also the ALF Cup season is winding down, and I don't want to give away too much, but I will say this: The reports I have heard say that the series finale of The Shield is very satisfying. It better be, because the ALF Cup title could very well ride on how satisfying, or unsatisfying, it is.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
15.3 C / 59.5 F

IT BEGINS...

Current Duck Pond temperature:

15.3 C / 59.5 F

It's dipped into the 50s where I sleep. I know I'm a polar bear and all, but I have my limits.

COMING SOON: I take a trip to Bloomington, Indiana to see the Drive-By Truckers and also to attempt a personal first in frisbee golf. Stay tuned...

IN 77 DAYS...

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!!!

Current Duck Pond temperature:
18.7 C / 65.6 F

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN...AND AGAIN...AND AGAIN...

Don't forget to set your clocks back an hour tonight at 2am. Of course, and hour after you do that it'll be 2am again and you'll have to set your clocks back again and again and again...

Current Duck Pond temperature:
17.3 C / 63.1 F

FREE BAND NAME IDEA

An open note to whomever thought up that disturbing band name from last week, "My Polar Bear Ex"...here's a better band name for you, taken straight from tonight's Daily Show:

"Midwestern Pot Mom Demographic"

Zing!

Current Duck Pond temperature:
17.1 C / 62.7 F

I GOT YOUR OBAMA CAMPAIGN SLOGAN RIGHT HERE:

I'd like to see somebody put this on a t-shirt (Micki could, but I know she won't)...a picture of Obama and a picture of Palin with the following caption:

"BROS BEFORE HOS!"

Current Duck Pond temperature:
16.8 C / 62.2 F

JINGLE IDEA

Call Joe the Plumber, that's the name,
And away your campaign DOWN THE DRAIN!

Current Duck Pond temperature:
17.3 C / 63.1 F

ICK

Most disturbing band name playing the Toledo area this week:

My Polar Bear Ex

That's just creepy and wrong.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
17.3 C / 63.1 F

A TEXT MESSAGE EXCHANGE WITH MY PAL NOEL:

N: "What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded"

DS: "Well, that might be debatable"

N: "Okay you have a point"

Current Duck Pond temperature:
17.7 C / 63.8 F

EEWW

Perhaps the most disturbing period in world history was when it was almost impossible to tell John Denver and Martina Navratilova apart.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
17.1 C / 62.7 F

EDIE ADAMS
1927-2008

Today I present a video tribute Ernie Kovacs' lovely and talented widow, whose Marilyn Monroe impersonation can never be topped:



Edie was a sweetie, and she will be missed. Below is her AP obit:

***
LOS ANGELES - Actress and singer Edie Adams, the blonde beauty who won a Tony Award for bringing Daisy Mae to life on Broadway and who played the television foil to her husband, comedian Ernie Kovacs, has died. She was 81.

Ms. Adams died Wednesday in a Los Angeles hospital from pneumonia and cancer, publicist Henri Bollinger said.

A graduate of Juilliard School of Music, Ms. Adams hoped to become an opera singer but instead went on to gain fame for her sketches with Kovacs and her pivotal roles in two top Broadway musicals.

She was born Elizabeth Edith Enke in 1927 in Kingston, Pa., and grew up in Tenafly, N.J. She first attracted notice on the television show "Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts." Kovacs was then performing his innovative comedy show on a Philadelphia television station, and his director saw her and invited her to audition.

"Here was this guy with the big mustache, the big cigar, and the silly hat," she recalled in 1982. "I thought, 'I don't know what this is, but it's for me.' "

When she auditioned for the Kovacs show, she knew a lot about opera but only three pop songs, she recalled. "I sang them all during the audition, and if they had asked to hear another, I never would have made it," she said.

With her innocent face and refreshing manner, Ms. Adams became the ideal partner for Kovacs's far-out humor. They eloped to Mexico City in 1954.

Kovacs moved his show - which appeared in various guises in the 1950s and early 1960s - to New York, where he became the darling of critics and discriminating viewers and hugely influential on other comedians. Both Kovacs and Ms. Adams garnered Emmy nominations in 1957 for best performances in a comedy series.

Ms. Adams found success on Broadway as well. She was acclaimed for her role as the sister to Rosalind Russell's character in the 1953 "Wonderful Town," the Comden-Green-Bernstein musical based on "My Sister Eileen." In 1957, Ms. Adams won a Tony for best featured (supporting) actress in a musical for her role as Daisy Mae in "Li'l Abner," based on Al Capp's satirical comic strip.

She and Kovacs moved to Hollywood in the late 1950s, and both became active in films.

In Billy Wilder's classic "The Apartment," the 1960 Oscar winner for best picture, Ms. Adams played the spurned secretary to philandering businessman Fred MacMurray. Among her other movies were "Lover Come Back," "Call Me Bwana" (with Bob Hope), "Under the Yum Yum Tree," "The Best Man," and "The Honey Pot."

In early 1962, Kovacs left a star-filled baby shower for Mrs. Milton Berle and crashed his car into a light pole, dying instantly. He had been a carefree gambler and profligate buyer of unneeded things. He once telephoned his wife and said he had bought the California Racquet Club, with its nightclub, shops, and mortgages.

His widow was faced with debts of $520,000, trouble with the Internal Revenue Service, and a nasty custody battle over Kovacs's daughters, Betty and Kippie, from his first marriage. She and Kovacs also had a daughter, Mia, born in 1959.

Berle, Frank Sinatra, Jack Lemmon, Dean Martin, and other stars organized a TV special to raise money for her and her daughters.

"No," she said, "I can take care of my own children."

For a solid year, she worked continuously. She did movies, TV musical revues, and a Las Vegas act where Groucho Marx introduced her with the comment: "There are some things Edie won't do, but nothing she can't do."

She won custody of her stepdaughters, tearfully telling reporters after the verdict: "This is the way Ernie would have wanted it."

Over a career that spanned some six decades, Ms. Adams also appeared in various stage productions; had a short-lived television show in 1963 that earned her two Emmy nominations; performed in nightclubs and released several albums.

In the 1980s and 1990s, she made appearances on such television shows as "Murder, She Wrote" and "Designing Women." She also played Tommy Chong's mother, Mrs. Tempest Stoner, in the first Cheech and Chong movie, "Up in Smoke," in 1978.

Over the years, she strove to keep Kovacs's comedic legacy alive by buying rights to his television shows and repackaging them for television and videocassettes.

Ms. Adams's son said her appearance in "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" with Ethel Merman, Sid Caesar, and Jonathan Winters was perhaps her fondest memory, as it was filmed just after the death of Kovacs. "She was able to laugh again for the first time," Joshua Mills, her son from her marriage to photographer Martin Mills, told the Los Angeles Times. That marriage ended in divorce as did her third marriage, to jazz trumpeter Pete Candoli, who died in January.

A daughter, Mia Kovacs, was killed in a 1982 car accident.
***

Current Duck Pond temperature:
19.0 C / 66.2 F

UNDEFEATED

I am now 1-0 in karaoke contests. Yay me. I won $25. "Winner buys drinks!" said one of my karaoke komrades. "No," I corrected him, "winner pays bills."

Current Duck Pond temperature:
22.2 C / 71.9 F

THE LIST

Last week Garry Trudeau's "Doonesbury" comic strip began listing some of the Wall Street lobbyists working for McCain, but since there apparently isn't room there to list them all, I've got them all right here for you.

Quote from the strip: "Hey, folks! Were you surprised to learn McCain has 177 lobbyists working for his campaign? Well, it gets worse...84 of those lobbyists, including his campaign manager, have lobbied for the financial industry McCain now trashes! So who are they? Well, as McCain likes to say about 'pork-barrelers,' let's make 'em famous! From the top..."

Phil Anderson: American Council of Life Insurers, Aetna, AIG, New York Life, MassMutual, VISA

Rebecca Anderson: Aegon, American Council of Life Insurers, Cigna, Barclays, Credit Suisse First Boston, HSBC

Stanton Anderson: The Debt Exchange

David Beightol: Allstate, Amerigroup, Charles Schwab, HSBC

Rhonda Bentz: VISA

Wayne Berman: American Council of Life Insurers, AIG, Americhoice, Shinsei Bank, Blackstone, Carlyle Group, Broidy Capital Management, Credit Suisse Securities, Highstar Capital, VISA, Ameriquest Mortgage, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Fitch Ratings

Charlie Black: JP Morgan, Washington Mutual Bank, Freddie Mac, Mortgage Bankers Association of America, National Association of Mortgage Brokers

Judy Black: Colorado Credit Union League, Genworth Financial, Bay Harbour Management, Merrill Lynch

Kirk Blalock: Credit Union National Association, Financial Executives International, American Insurance Association, Mutual of Omaha, Zurich Financial Service Group, Fannie Mae, Federal Home Loan Bank of San Francisco

Carlos Bonilla: Financial Services Roundtable, Freddie Mac

Christine Burgeson: Citigroup

Mark Buse: Freddie Mac, Goldman Sachs, Manufacturers Life Insurance Company

Nicholas Calio: Citigroup, Managed Fund Association, Fannie Mae, Merrill Lynch, The Investment Company Institute, TIAA-CRE, Securities Industry and Financial Markets Association

Ben Nighthorse Campbell: Amscot Financial Corporation, Community Financial Services Association, Fidelity National Financial

Andrew Cantor: American Insurance Association, Merrill Lynch

Alberto Cardenas: Fannie Mae

James Courter: Goldman Sachs, Donaldson Lufkin & Jenrette, Investment Company Institute, Merrill Lynch

David Crane: Financial Services Roundtable, PriceWaterhouseCoopers, Deloitte & Touche, KPMG, Ernst & Young, Bank of America, Association of Corporate Credit Unions, Freddie Mac

Dan Crippen: Merrill Lynch, National Multi-Housing Council

Arthur Culvahouse: Fannie Mae

Bryan Cunningham: Arch Capital Group

Alfonse D'Amato: AIG, Freddie Mac

Doug Davenport: Federal Home Loan Bank of San Francisco, Goldman Sachs, VISA

Ashley Davis: Prudential Financial, American Financial Group, American Premier Underwriters, Great American Insurance Company

Mimi Dawson: MassMutual

Melissa Edwards: Freddie Mac, National Association of Real Estate Investment Trusts, Access to Capital Coalition

Chris Fidler: American Bankers Association, Milcom Venture Partners, National Association Real Estate Investment Trusts

Samuel Geduldig: American Bankers Association, American Institute of CPAs, America Gains, Berkshire Hathaway, Consumer Bankers Association, Ernst & Young, Financial Services Roundtable, Investment Company Institute, PriceWaterhouseCoopers, Prudential Financial, Sovereign Investment Council, Fidelity Investments, FMR Corp.

Benjamin Ginsberg: Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance, AIG Technical Services

David Girard-Dicarlo: American Financial Group, American Premier Underwriters

Juleanna Glover Weiss: RJI Capital, American Institute of CPAs, BNP Paribas, Ernst & Young, PriceWaterhouseCoopers

Slade Gorton: Allstate Insurance, Hannan Armstrong Capital

Phil Gramm: UBS Americas

John Green: Laredo National Bank, Alternative Investment Management Association, AIG, Blackstone Group, Carlyle Group, Citigroup, Credit Suisse Group, Fannie Mae, Icahn Associates, FMR Corp., AFLAC, VISA

Janet Grissom: American Institute of CPAs, NYSE, Merrill Lynch

Kristen Gullott: San Diego Credit Union

Kent Hance: Stanford Financial Group, Municipal Capital Markets Group, Inc.

Vicki Hart: American Financial Services Association, Citigroup, Investment Company Institute, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, New York Stock Exchange, VISA, Carlyle Group, Credit Suisse, Federal Home Loan Bank of Indianapolis, Goldman Sachs, Stanford Group, Lloyd's of London, National City Corp.

Richard Hohlt: Capmark Financial Group, Fannie Mae, JP Morgan Chase and Co., Student Loan Marketing Association, Washington Mutual, Guaranty Bank & Trust, Peachtree Settlement Funding, Dime Savings Bank of New York

Gaylord Hughey: Heartland Security Insurance Group

Kate Hull: Credit Union National Association, Fannie Mae, Federal Home Loan Bank of San Francisco, Zurich Financial Services, American Insurance Association, Financial Executives International

James Hyland: American Insurance Association, Seattle Home Loan Bank, Self Help Credit Union, National Association of Bankruptcy Trustees, Merrill Lynch, Mortgage Investors Corp., Federal Home Loan Bank of Indianapolis, Freddie Mac, New York Stock Exchange, Citigroup, VISA

Aleix Jarvis: Credit Union National Association, Fannie Mae, Federal Home Loan Bank of San Francisco, Financial Executives International, Mutual of Omaha, American Insurance Association, Zurich Financial Services

Greg Jenner: American Council of Life Insurers, JG Wentworth, UBS, VISA, PriceWaterhouseCoopers

Frank Keating: American Council of Life Insurers

Steven Kuykendall: California Bankers Association

William Lesher: Chicago Mercantile Exchange, Commerce Ventures, Rabobank International

Thomas Loeffler: Citigroup, Fannie Mae, Investment Company Institute, World Savings and Loan Association, United Services Automobile Association (USAA)

Kelly Lugar: RJI Capital Strategies

Peter Madigan: Arthur Andersen, Bank of New York, Broadridge Securities Processing, Charles Schwab, Deloitte and Touche, Goldman Sachs, International Employee Stock Option Coalition, Mastercard, NYSE, Fannie Mae, Merrill Lynch, PNC Bank

Mary Mann: MassMutual

Paul Martino: Morgan Stanley, Baker Tilly

Jana McKeag: Venture Catalyst

Alison McSlarrow: Fannie Mae, Hartford

Mike Meece: Georgetown Partners

David Metzner: Ernst & Young, Harbinger Capital Investments, Prudential, Public Financial Management, Western Union

Susan Molinari: Freddie Mac, American Land Title Association, Association of Consumer Credit Unions, Beacon Capital Partners, College Loan Corp, Coventry First, E-Trade, Financial Services Roundtable, Rent-A-Center

John Moran: Cerberus Capital Management, American Council of Life Insurers, Accenture

John Napier: Freddie Mac

Susan Nelson: AIG, San Antonio Credit Union

Paul Otellini: Ernst & Young, Financial Services Forum

Steve Perry: Charles Schwab, Hoover Partners, HSBC, National Stock Exchange

Nancy Pfotenhauer: American Land Title Association, Mortgage Bankers Association

Elise Pickering-Finley: Credit Suisse, DE Shaw, Hartford Financial Services, Research In Motion, Retail Industry Lenders Association, URL Mutual

James Pitts: Advanced Association for Life Underwriting, AETNA, American Council of Life Insurers, AIG, Council of Insurance Agents and Brokers, Debt Advisory International, Financial Services Coordinating Council, GE Financial Assurance, Hartford Life, Jefferson Pilot Financial, Kenwood Investments, MassMutual, Mutual of Omaha, New York Life, UNUM Provident, VISA, PMI Group

Tim Powers: AP Capital, Genworth Financial, Retail Industry Lenders Association, E-LOAN, General Electric Mortgage Insurance

Walter Price: Wachovia

Sloan Rappoport: Friedman, Billings, Ramsey Group, Inc. (FBR), Trafelet Delta Funds

Hans Rickhoff: Capital One, Investment Company Institute, United Services Automobile Association (USAA)

Kathleen Shanahan: New York Stock Exchange

Andrew Shore: Accenture, Retail Industry Lenders Association, Barclays, Bond Market Association, Credit Suisse, TPG Capital

Katie Stahl: Alliance for Investment Transparency, Ares Management, Fairfax Financial Holdings, Uhlmann Financial Group

Milly Stanges: TIAA-CREF

Aquiles Suarez: Fannie Mae

Don Sundquist: Freddie Mac, The Hartford

Peter Terpeluk: JP Morgan Chase, Ernst & Young, Prudential

Fred Thompson: Equitas

Jeri Thompson: American Insurance Association

John Timmons: National Association of Federal Credit Unions

William Timmons Sr.: American Council of Life Insurers, Citigroup, Dun & Bradstreet, Freddie Mac, Vanguard Group

Vin Weber: Agstar Financial Services, AKT Investment Corp., American Institute of CPAs, Ernst & Young, Freddie Mac, Louis Dreyfus Corp, PriceWaterhouseCoopers

Jeffery Weiss: JP Morgan

Tony Williams: Russell Investment Group, American Life Inc., Northwestern Mutual

Current Duck Pond temperature:
21.2 C / 70.1 F

"CANADIAN GOLD" WINS!

Congratulations to Colin Oberst, winner of CBC's Hockey Anthem Challenge. "Canadian Gold" is the new Hockey Night In Canada theme music. Said HNIC host Ron MacLean to the winner, "You made some money, you made a name for yourself, and you made a difference." (Story from CBC.ca below)

Current Duck Pond temperature:
21.1 C / 69.9 F

ALBERTA ENTRY IS GOLDEN IN HOCKEY NIGHT ANTHEM CHALLENGE
School teacher Colin Oberst takes home $100,000 and half of lifetime royalties

"Canadian Gold" is the new Hockey Night in Canada anthem.

After 14,871 entries flooded in and thousands of voters cast their ballots for each of the two finalists, a Celtic-themed piece by Beaumont, Alta.'s Colin Oberst was chosen to introduce Canada's longest-running television program.

His victory was announced on Saturday's Hockey Night broadcast featuring Toronto hosting Montreal and Vancouver in Calgary.


Colin Oberst, second from left, penned "Canadian Gold", the new Hockey Night in Canada anthem.

Toronto teenager Robert Fraser Burke's "Sticks to the Ice" finished second.

"I'm thrilled that it's an ordinary Canadian whose passion for hockey will be forever associated with the show," said Scott Moore, executive director of CBC Sports. "The process has shown the passion that Canadians have for hockey, Hockey Night in Canada and for music.

"I think it's so appropriate that such a passionate hockey fan is the final winner."

Oberst is an elementary school teacher who also doubles as an avid music writer and member of an Edmonton band.

He takes home the $100,000 top prize and half of the lifetime royalties, with the other 50 per cent invested by the CBC in minor hockey across the country.

Burke, the 13-year-old son of a music teacher, is a pianist who sings in a choir and performs in the school band.

The contest to find new theme music for Hockey Night in Canada was launched June 19 by CBC Sports after it didn't renew the rights to The Hockey Theme, which were subsequently purchased by CTV Inc.

Each of the five semifinalists in the anthem challenge were profiled on The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos and later on the Hockey Night In Canada Anthem Challenge special, when the original compositions — produced by Bob Rock, a multiple Juno Award winner — were played in their entirety.

"You just get this overwhelming sense of pride," Oberst said while working with Rock at the taping of the theme in Toronto. "Everything just jelled into this amazing song that went way over my expectations."

BAGPIPES RULE! VOTE FOR "CANADIAN GOLD"!

Dear Pond readers in Canada...go to CBCSports.ca/AnthemChallenge to vote for the new Hockey Night In Canada theme.

Kudos to 13-year-old Robert Fraser Burke for making the finals, but I strongly urge you to vote for Colin Oberst's entry, "Canadian Gold". It's big, it's bold, it's got a good beat and you can dance to it!

Current Duck Pond temperature:
20.6 C / 69.0 F

THIS JUST IN...

From our pals at This Hour Has 22 Minutes:

"A team of Boston researchers won an award from the Annals of Improbable Research Magazine for proving that Diet Coke is an amazingly effective spermicide. The scientists warn, however, it should never be used in combination with a Mentos diaphragm."

Current Duck Pond temperature:
20.3 C / 68.5 F

SOUNDALIKES

John McCain and Dean Sparks both need better dentures.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
20.0 C / 68.0 F

PLAY IT AGAIN, STEVE

Steve Goodman--"A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request"


Seriously, this picture is just heartbreaking. :(


Current Duck Pond temperature:
19.0 C /66.2 F

ROBERT MURAINE IKEA COMMERCIAL FULL VERSION

This dude is a freak.

MONARCH RELEASE 2008 PICS

Here are my picks for the top ten photos from this year's Monarch release...

#1 Monarch on sunflower (photo by Lori Anderson)

Kudos to my friend Lori for some damn fine butterfly-on-flower pics. I immediately used this one for a puzzle at JigZone.com.

#2 High five (photo by Lori Anderson)

I guess I don't look too hideous here, posing with our little three-legged pal we named after Dale Earnhardt.

#3 They're off! (photo by Lori Anderson)

Snapped plenty of shots of the actual release, but this is my fave. I like how they seem to be contained in that one cloud.

#4 Monarch taking a drink (photo by Lori Anderson)

You gotta look close, but you can see it sipping. This would also make a good puzzle.

#5 What are you doing with that Monarch on your nose? (photo by Lori Anderson)

That's little Earnhardt the Monarch again, here you can tell his right front leg is missing. He sat on my nose for maybe a half hour. After a while, I did feel a bit like Johnny Carson with the marmoset on his head.

#6 Grrr... (photo by Lori Anderson)

Looks like I was growling, but I didn't want to breathe on him and scare him away, so I had to talk out of the side of my mouth.

#7 Another good puzzle pic (photo by Lori Anderson)

Seriously, props to Lori again. JigZone is gonna love these.

#8 Never mind the big guy, look at me! (photo by Lori Anderson)

Little E was a real showoff. Total camera hog. He hung out with us for probably a whole hour striking various poses.

#9 Staring contest! (photo by Lori Anderson)

Not exactly a fair fight. Little E has a lot more eyes.

#10 "I'm the new Berlin Wall, baby...try and tear ME down!" (photo by Lori Anderson)

Okay, truth is I include this one only because it reminds me so much of the opening shot in "Hedwig And The Angry Inch". Case in point:

Hedwig in cape (photo NOT by Lori Anderson)


Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.6 C / 74.4 F

IT'S ABOUT TIME!

The Detroit Lions finally fired Matt Millen. The nightmare is over!

FLAMES ON AN AEROSTAR, PART 2

All that needless fuss over the 'lipstick on a pig' thing...now that I think about it, perhaps if he had said 'flames on an Aerostar' people wouldn't have gotten their panties in a bunch. Well, except perhaps Ford or the UAW. Perhaps a slight variation...how about 'racing stripes on a Yugo'?

Okay, what else? I already used 'whipped cream on dog shit', I'm sure I can think of some others. Maybe I'll send these to Barack, he might find one of them suitable. Or not.

You can put velvet drapes on an outhouse...
You can plant flowers in front of a garbage dump...
You can put gravy on headcheese...
You can put cheese sauce on broccoli... (nah, too much like Bush Sr.)
You can air the Olympics and the Super Bowl on NBC24...
You can have Sir Lawrence Olivier guest star on Gilligan's Island...
You can put a Tuxedo on the Elephant Man... (Variation: You can put an Armani suit on Kid Rock...)
You can build a ballpark and a hockey arena in downtown Toledo... (Variation: You can fix the streets in Tulsa...)
You can have Billie Holliday sing "Before He Cheats"... (Variation: You can have Pavarotti sing "Achy Breaky Heart"...)
You can have Fred Astaire do the Chicken Dance...
You can have Martin Scorcese direct "Joe Dirt"...

That's all I can come up with at the moment. If you can think of any, email them to askduckpond2008@sacbeemail.com

Current Duck Pond temperature:
22.6 C / 72.6 F

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

I don't know if they were decals or painted on, but today I saw flames on a Ford Aerostar. The ugliest minivan ever made (and I can say this because I used to own one).

Flames on an Aerostar...that's like putting whipped cream on dog shit. (Or maybe lipstick on a pig?)

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.0 C / 73.4 F
(No, that's not my body temperature. I'm not hypothermic. )

HELLOOOOOOOO???

Here's one of those song hooks that will stick to your brain like Velcro. Why should I suffer alone? Enjoy!

George Westerholm--"Trevor"
(from CBC's Winnipeg Comedy Festival)

BABS ASSURES ME I WILL NOT HAVE TO GO GAY

Good thing, too. I have a bad gag reflex.

Streisand to McCain: Women "are not that stupid!"

Current Duck Pond temperature:
22.3 C / 72.1 F

EXTREME UTTER STUPIDITY: TOLEDO EDITION

Oh how I wish I could have "Quantum Leap"-ed into Toledo Mayor Carty Finkbeiner when it was announced that ABC was bringing their inane Extreme Ultimate Roasted Garlic Chipotle Smart Choice Not-So-Much-A-Make-Over-Or-Make-Better-As-Just-Plain-Tearing-Down-And-Replacing Home Improvement Whatever warped-reality show to town, so I could have shocked the entire city with a sudden, shockingly sane and level-headed (at least for Carty) suggestion to the show's producers that instead of building a new fancy-schmancy home for one family, perhaps it would be a neat idea to really do some good for our community, instead of just poser showbiz charity bullshit, by building some halfway-decent low-rent apartment buildings for the 100 or so families displaced by the recent Hunter's Ridge fire.

Just a thought.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
28.0 C / 82.4 F

PS: A follow-up to my post about "Ocho Cinco"...ESPN's Chris Berman said it best this morning when he described the current Cincy team as "Oucho Stinko".

JUST A QUICK RHYME I CAME UP WITH WHILE FIGHTING INSOMNIA

It will not stand, this bullshit,
because we will not stand for it,
because that is not what we stand for,
and we cannot stand it anymore.

Trust me, it's a lot funnier in the generic foreign accent I thought it up in.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
25.6 C / 78.0 F

IT'S OKAY BARRY, I'LL HANDLE THIS

As anyone with a brain knows by now, Barack Obama did not call Sarah Palin a pig.

But I will! I heard her speak last week, and she IS a pig!

In fact, she is what my mom would have called a D.C. The D stands for dumb. I'll let you figure out the C.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.7 C / 74.6 F

A CHAD BY ANY OTHER NAME IS STILL AN IDIOT

So Chad Johnson of the Cincinnazi Bungles had his name legally changed to Chad Ocho Cinco, then the NFL made him change the name on his jersey back to C. Johnson, by which I couldn't help but be reminded of that scene in Roots: "Your name is Toby!"



Now I'll defend Chad's right to change his name, but as Steve Dahl has repeatedly pointed out, "Ocho Cinco" translates to "Eight Five". If he wanted to get it right, he would change his last name to "Ochenta y Cinco" ("Eighty-Five").

But even then, what if he gets traded to another team that already has a player wearing 85 who doesn't want to relinquish it? Then he'll have to change his name again, thus becoming the Sean Combs of the NFL.

I COULD REALLY GO FOR A FIVE-STORY-HIGH ENGLISH MUFFIN RIGHT ABOUT NOW

Is it just me, or does the Indianapolis Colts' new home look like a giant toaster?



Instead of Lucas Oil, they should have sold the naming rights to Wonder Bread!

TOO DARK FOR LENO

Actual AP headline in the paper the other day:

EMPTY CARGO PLANE CRASHES IN FIELD; ALL 3 ON BOARD DIE

Current Duck Pond temperature:

24.1 C / 75.3 F

WOW

Well, much as I hate to admit it, despite my previous post, I actually did happen upon a bit of the telethon, but the act I caught absolutely blew my mind.

Click here to check out YouTube clips of Terry Fator. Set aside some time and just WATCH THEM ALL, they're all amazing!

Here's hoping Comedy Central or some other network gives this guy his own TV special. Or two, or three. As many as he wants! For as much money as he wants!

Official Terry Fator website

Current Duck Pond temperature:
27.6 C / 81.6 F

LAAAYYYDEEEEEE!!!

There were a few times, long ago, when I would challenge myself to stay awake through the entire Labor Day weekend. I actually did it once...ONCE! Not only that, but I would actually force myself to sit through the entire telethon. Of course, that was back when we only had a couple dozen channels. Plus I had a deck of cards with which to play solitaire during the boring parts, which was of course everything but the 2 or 3 acts that actually interested me and the freaky segments where Jerry was obviously tweaking on Perc.

I thought about staying up through the telethon this year, but what with DVR time-shifting, there's just no appeal. Also, I can't afford the DVR space, and I have other shows to record anyway. And with Jerry (presumably) sober and the rest of the Rat Pack dead, there's not much to pique my interest. Now I probably couldn't stay awake through 21 seconds of it, let alone 21 hours. I trust that when Jerry finally kicks, the powers that be will reassess the entire telethon format.

Mind you, it was a big deal during my childhood. For a few years I'd walk the 3 miles to the Channel 24 studios on Byrne Road, going door-to-door the whole way collecting change in a Pringles can. This was followed by a couple years when my older brothers would intercept me towards the end of the trip and make me split the take with them. (I'm sure I'm safe admitting that, statute of limitations-wise.) Later when I got too old to look innocent and people became (justifiably) untrusting, I went into the staying awake challenge phase.

By my early 20s, they moved it to Channel 13 and the fishbowl moved around between malls, and the main objective was to get on camera. In 1986, I got about 2 seconds of face time in front of Diane Larson with a "Kilroy Wuz Heer" sign at Southwyck. I still have the videotape around here somewhere. If I had the means I'd put it on YouTube but I don't.

Yeah, that's another thing I thought about doing tomorrow, but I'm too lazy. Maybe one of these years though...you might spot me at the fishbowl, in drag or otherwise looking bizarre.

As for the telethon itself, I doubt I'll miss anything. I'm sure if Jerry does something stupid like the "fag" comment of last year, I'll see it online.

PS: You're right, looking back over this post even I can see that it's all about me, when it should really be about the 'kids' and whatnot, and I'm a bastard for ignoring that. But at least I admit it. Sure, those first few years I was just a dumb kid and when my parents sent me out the door with the Pringles can I was all excited to be doing a good deed. Then came my brothers making me split the money with them, and as I recall I spent most if not all of my share on junk food. And now I'm a food addict and I weigh over 300 pounds and that sucks. So I got mine.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
25.9 C / 78.6 F

DON'T MAKE ME

So McCain picked a female running mate. I hope all those female Hillary supporters out there are smart enough to see through such a cheap stunt. If not, I'll have to go gay.

LAYING AN EGG

2008 Mud Hens W-L record by month:
April: 17-9
May: 17-14
June: 15-13
July: 13-15
August (as of 29th): 11-17

Ick.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
25.8 C / 78.4 F

AN ERROR OF ASTRONOMICAL PROPORTIONS

Just as Corner Gas is climbing toward the top of the ALF Cup standings...along comes the episode titled "Telescope Trouble".

The trouble is that YOU DO NOT USE A TELESCOPE TO WATCH A METEOR SHOWER!

Sorry, but this is going to warrant a big penalty in the points.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
25.3 C / 77.5 F

A FEW THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING THE DEM CONVENTION

To any female supporters of Hillary Clinton who are now planning to vote for John McCain: You lost. Tough shit. That's no reason to shame your entire gender. Have a good cry and GET OVER IT. (And BTW I'm not crazy about Captain Hairplug being added to the ticket either, but whatever.) Double down on your Midol and PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR CUNT!!! Think.

Michelle Obama is speaking now...wow she really has the shtreet-speak thing going. In just the past two minutes I've heard her say "shtreet", "shtrength" and "shtrive". If she says "aks" I'm gonna gag.

Saw Jimmy Carter earlier. His eyes are really icky. I can't decide who he looks more like: Data from Star Trek or Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

"Something, something, something, DARK SIDE. Something, something, something, COMPLETE."

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE THE BEIJING OLYMPIC CLOSING CEREMONIES RECORDED:

Replay that "Beijing Beijing" song that all the Chinese pop stars were singing, and tell me if I'm right or wrong in thinking it's plagiarized from George Michael's "I Want Your Sex". Go ahead, create your own mash-up of the two in your head!

MR. COLOREDWELL

Hi there! Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Mr. Coloredwell, and I am the Duck Pond's resident sports fashion police chief. And first of all let me say that I am sooooo happy to see Argentina's soccer team defend their Olympic men's title! Is there another team in all of sports that is better-dressed than those luscious latinos? I think not!


[Photo courtesy of CBC Sports]

That's Angel Di Maria, who scored the lone goal in the Olympic final vs. Nigeria, who looked just horrible in a head-to-toe shade of green that looked like a pine tree threw up! Puhleeze Nigeria, would it hurt you to add a second color to your unis? Even the Irish team doesn't wear that much green!

Argentina, however, has THE definitive soccer uniform. Those light blue and white stripes are of course very slimming, and the black shorts fabulously accentuate the light and refreshing Argentine flag motif above.

Anyhoo, you'll be hearing more from me this fall, as Ducky has finally gotten around to bringing me aboard to judge his inaugural NFL's Best-Dressed competition. I will be picking the better-dressed team in each and every NFL game this season.

Attention, San Diego Chargers: break out those throwback uniforms! This time it counts!

See you in a few weeks...till then, toodles!

GOOD COURSE, BAD PRICE

Tried out the frisbee golf course at Rolling Hills, southeast of Ann Arbor the other day. Actually wanted to try out the course at Brown Park in Ann Arbor, but that one is no longer in existence.

As for the RH course, I am currently ranking it 4th on my list of favorites. It would have been 3rd if not for the $9 charge for non-resident parking. The course itself goes through a lot of woods, and there is some rough, but not so thick that you will lose your disc. Had more than a few shots go off into the rough, but spotted each one right away. Didn't have to waste time searching. Plus you do get some chances in-between holes to actually enjoy a bit of the nature around you. This course is what that aggravating course in Findlay wishes it was.

You do have to deal with trees on a lot of holes, but the only one I would take a chainsaw to is the one to the left as you tee off on the 9th hole, which has clearly blocked a lot of drives because it is covered with divots.

So if you don't mind the steep parking fee (or you can find a place nearby to stash your vehicle and walk in), give Rolling Hills a go. Frankly if I lived nearby I would make a killing charging frisbee golfers 4 or 5 bucks to park!

Current Duck Pond temperature:
26.3 C / 79.3 F

USAIN BOLT IS THE SHIZNIT

Another world record today in the 200, and on his 22nd birthday. This kid is the human Secretariat!

The mind boggles at the possible commercial endorsements to come. I should think any product or service where speed is of the utmost is going to just throw money at this kid. I can just see him now outrunning either the FedEx or UPS race car.

A happy birthday to Mr. Bolt and IRIE, MON!

HERE'S A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I'D TYPE:

The Detroit Lions have the best starting QB in their division right now.

TWO OF MY LEAST FAVORITE 'THINGS'

An open letter to Kid Rock
RE: "All Summer Long"

Well, for starters, what do you have against Steve Miller? If you're going to rip off "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Werewolves Of London", why not throw in "Take The Money And Run" while you're at it? (And with a key change, you could even add "In The Evening" by Led Zeppelin.)

If someone like Party Ben had done a mashup of these songs, I could accept it. But coming from a talentless, white-trash hack like you...no thanks.

[2010 P.S.: If you love Michigan so much, why did you shoot the video in Tennessee?]

Oh, and Kid, here's some free advice for you: buy a rhyming dictionary, will ya?

"We were trying different things...
We were smoking funny things..."

We were rhyming 'things' with 'things'...
Couldn't think of other things...
Other things that rhyme with 'things'...

Ok then, here ya go, you stupid douchebag...Here's just 250 other words you could have used that rhyme with 'things':

awnings backings battings bearings beatings bedsprings beings billings bindings blessings bombings bookings bowstrings branchings briefings brings brislings buildings bullrings burnings bushings cagelings callings carvings casings castings ceilings chartings clearings clings clippings clockings coatings codings combings comings couplings cowlings cravings crossings crumblings cuttings darlings dealings diggings dings dippings doings downswings drawings drawstrings dressings drippings ducklings dumplings dwellings earnings earrings earthlings endings etchings evenings facings failings fallings farthings fastenings feedings feelings filings fillings findings firings firstlings fittings fixings fledglings flemings flings floorings footings foundlings fraggings frostings geldings gleanings goslings gratings graylings greetings grindings groundlings groupings hairsprings hamstrings handsprings hangings hatchlings headings hearings heartstrings helpings herrings hirelings holdings housings icings inklings innings killings kings knifings lacewings lacings landings lapwings lashings latchstrings launchings leanings leavings leggings lemmings lickings lightings lightnings likings linings listenings listings loadings lodgings longings lyings mailings mainsprings makings marblings markings maskings matchings matings meanings meetings millings moldings moorings mornings mountings musings nestings nestlings nothings nurslings offsprings outings paintings pairings parings partings pavings peelings phrasings pickings pilings pings pinnings plantings playthings puddings quislings railings rankings ratings ravings readings riggings rings routings rulings rumblings sayings schillings scrapings searchings seasonings seedings seedlings shavings shillings shoestrings shootings showings siblings sidings sightings sings sittings slings spacings spankings spellings springs sprinklings standings starlings starvelings stings stockings stranglings strings striplings sucklings summings sweepings swellings swings tailings takings teachings testings tidings timings toppings tracings trappings trimmings tunings turnings upswings vikings warnings waxwings weaklings weddings wellsprings windings wingdings wings winnings wordings workings worldlings wrappings wrings writings yearlings yearnings younglings zings

See? There's plenty of other lines you could have come up with! We were having summer flings, we were wearing out bedsprings, we were pulling our hamstrings, we were eating onion rings, we were tying our shoestrings, we had broken arms in slings, we were playing on rope swings, we were wearing water wings, went to Colorado Springs, we played with our ding-a-lings...okay, that last one would be ripping off Chuck Berry, but hey, like that would stop you!

Current Duck Pond temperature:
24.4 C / 75.9 F

PS: These are a few of my favorite Things:

PLAYING CATCH-UP

And now, all the stuff I meant to post during the five days I had off work this past week.

FRIDAY
Best band names playing the Toledo area this week (Aug 7-13):
Rich And Growing Sicker
Lame-O
When Girls Kiss Girls
Identical Strangers
Shortbus Pickup
And the best band name playing the Toledo area this week:
Can't Sing Karaoke

SATURDAY
Watched the Olympic opening ceremonies LIVE on CBC. Those drummers at the beginning were A-MA-ZING. The movable type thing was also good, and that last torch-bearer is one brave sumbitch. I thought there was something not quite right with that way-too-cute little girl singing, and I was right. Turns out the girl doing the actual singing wasn't cute enough to put on display. How do you say Milli Vanilli in Chinese? Mirri Vanirri?

SUNDAY
Quotes Du Jour: From Lewis Black's Root Of All Evil, "Beer vs. Weed"
Paul F. Tompkins, arguing that weed is the Root Of All Evil, on the fact that beer makes some people sentimental: "I would rather have someone tell me that they love me, than tell me that I have to watch 'The Dark Crystal'."
Andrew Daly, arguing that beer is the Root Of All Evil: "Beer ruined the 20th century because nobody loves beer more than Germans, and nobody loved Hitler more than Germans on beer. Beer caused World Wars I and II. All weed ever was caused was 'Caddyshacks' I and II. And only one of those movies was a globally-devasting human catastrophe."

MONDAY
Frisbee golf recap:
Just finished a 3-day regional frisbee golf tour with my karaoke komrade Bryan, with a round Friday at what is now my new favorite frisbee golf course, Victory Park in Albion, MI. Think Ottawa Park with water hazards. Yes, water hazards. And not annoying ones, either. They actually added to the fun. The 10th hole is quite intimidating at first glance, but the water is clean and only a couple of feet deep. Each of us ended up in the drink, but we were able to wade in and play each lie. Plus the course has its own 'monster' hole that is just a tad shorter than the one at Hudson Mills. I strongly recommend this course. And best of all, there's no rough.

I wish I could say the same for a few other courses we tried over the weekend. After we finished in Albion, Bry and I stopped by Hudson Mills for a round on the Original course. When I first played HM about 8 years ago, it was gorgeous. Mown fairways, a bit of rough on some holes, but nothing horrible, and not much underbrush. How times have changed. Now there's a lot more nasty rough and underbrush. A LOT more. And it's as annoying as an Appliance Center commercial.

A few weeks ago I had 6 discs in my collection. I lost my go-to disc, my red all-purpose Cobra, at Vienna Park, I gave away my orange Cobra, and I gave Bryan the purple #1 Flyer that I had bought for the ex-gf, leaving me with my blue Eclipse driver "Bluie", my yellow Cobra "Old Yeller", and "Maggie", my trusty Magnet chain-seeking putter. (I had that red Cobra's hook to the right down pat. It took me a few rounds to adjust my game to the seemingly-schizoid Bluie, but now I'm getting straighter and longer drives. Plus I found ol' "Red" at Ottawa anyway, so easy come, easy go.)

Anyhoo, back to HM, Bry's very first shot on the first tee at HM went off into the underbrush, never to return. Oh well, good riddance, I wasn't that fond of the purple one for obvi reasons anyway. Except that he would have then had to use the yellow Cobra, leaving me with no backup.

But as luck would have it, and as it turns out, make that the luck of the Irish, while looking in vain for the purple disc, we instead found a slightly warped disc with a shamrock pictured on it. No idea what kind of club it is, but we bent it back in shape as best we could, Bry tried it out and liked it, we dubbed it "Shammy", and played on.

Somewhere around Hole 11 or 12, Shammy disappeared into the underbrush from whence it came. We searched for a while and not only managed to recover Shammy, but in the process we found an Innova driver as well. So for the round Bry lost a disc I was happy to be rid of, and found 2 other discs that seem to have actually improved his game since. Sadly, that's the only positive thing I can say about the current HM. That place has really deteriorated.

Saturday, Bry wanted to hit Carter Park in BG to get on the first couple of open-field holes to give his 2 newfound discs a proper workout. They seemed to fly okay, so we skipped the rest of BG and went to Findlay to check out 2 courses down there. First we hit Firestine Park. Only 9 holes, but in a city park with no rough or underbrush so not too bad. I was still adjusting to Bluie, and on the last hole my drive went way off course and into the shallow creek next to the park. I finished the hole with Old Yeller, then we hopped in the car and drove around to the other side of the creek to retrieve Bluie. Then it was off to the Riverbend Disc Golf Trail east of Findlay.

Yeah, that's right. They call it a "Disc Golf Trail". Apparently they expect you to think of it as like just another metropark trail, and enjoy nature while you play. Fuck nature! We're here to play frisbee golf! Nature sucks!

And it especially sucks at that place when you keep losing your discs in it. The rough is downright maddening, even more so than the idiots out there playing who have absolutely no concept of basic, standard golf etiquette. Parents with little kids who spend 10 minutes on a hole just throwing frisbees willy-nilly while you keep shouting "FORE!" to no avail.

I swear to my lack of god we spent more time searching frantically for discs lost in the rough than we did actually shooting. By the time we got to the last 2 holes, with plenty of annoying bugs adding to our shitty mood, we were speed-golfing just to get it over with. Bry actually quit halfway through #18, he was so fed up. He couldn't even stand to finish the last hole. Never again. A map of the whole course at the very start is the ONLY thing that kept it from being as bad as the course at Jackson CC.

Sunday we began a round at Ottawa Park expecting to introduce fellow KJ "151" to the sport, but he cancelled so we decided to check out the course at Heritage Park in Adrian. There was a sign at the entrance with one arrow pointing to 'disc golf', and that was it. We parked, saw one basket way off in the distance next to a sledding hill, and walked out to it. Saw another basket nearby, #4, and another parking lot closer than where we parked. Bry went back to bring the car over while I investigated a few more nearby holes.

Next to this second parking area I found a big wooden sign of the sort on which one would normally expect to find a course map. At the top it said "Heritage Park Disc Golf Course". the rest of the sign: BLANK. I repeat. BLANK!!! The nearby holes we found were nos. 5, 6 and 7. With no hint as to where the first hole was, with plenty of wind and threats of rain, with every indication that there was plenty of rough, and without so much as even a practice throw, we had no choice but to quit this course before we even started! There was only one way to save this 3rd day of our ever-increasingly-annoying frisbee golf odyssey.

We headed back to Albion.

Despite the threat of rain, more fun ensued. We got wet again, not by rain, but by wading back into the water hazards after our frisbees. The water at the 10th hole was a bit deeper than 2 days before. This time it was up to my nuts. The 12th hole, Albion's 'monster', has a large shallow pond next to it, and poor Bryan landed in the middle of it. After about 10 minutes of carefully wading out to his disc, he made a rather half-assed attempt at a safe shot out to the side of the pond. PLUNK. Right back in the drink it went. More wading. This time he tried the longer, more daring shot across the water and out toward the basket. Just barely cleared the water! No guts, no glory!

Final verdict: I'd rather have my disc land in a clean 2-foot-deep pond where I can easily find it and get a little wet, than have to burrow into a shitload of underbrush or wander around in a field of rough wondering if I'll ever see my disc again. From now on I'll stick to parks like Ottawa and Victory, and avoid rough and underbrush like they were religion and the plague.

TUESDAY
Had clear skies for the Perseid meteor shower this year, camped out for 2.5 hours on Bryan's driveway in Monclova, and averaged 24 meteors per hour. It had its share of funny moments, like when the count got to 22 near the end of the first hour. "This Hour Has 22 Meteors", I proclaimed. When the total reached 30, we made the obvious reference to the Jack-In-The-Box stoner commercial: "How many meteors should I get?" "30."

There was one other recurring joke involving the sounds of nearby waterfowl, but rather than try to explain it here, those of you who know me can ask me about it next time you talk to me. Suffice to say said waterfowl were apparently Led Zeppelin fans.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.9 C / 75.0 F

SORRY, BEEN BUSY

Just when I thought nobody was reading this, Doug was kind enough to notice I haven't posted for a week and tell me I was slacking off. Thanks, Dougie!

Been playing a lot of frisbee golf this past week, some of it at some shitty courses, so you don't have to! More on that later. Right now I'm tired. I just got home from this year's Perseid meteor shower, averaged 24 per hour, not bad.

Soon as I get some much-needed z's and take care of some errands later today, I will fill you all in on my recent adventures. For now I'll say Victory Park in Albion, MI is my new favorite frisbee golf course, and later I'll have details on that, and why I have discovered several other courses that I will henceforth be avoiding like they were pro-payday loan petitioners!

Current Duck Pond temperature:
22.1 C / 71.7 F

OOPS

Last few posts I forgot to do this...

Current Duck Pond temperature:
28.1 C / 82.5 F

BEST BAND NAME PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK:

Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

SPAGHETTI DAY

My mom should have turned 72 today. Since she's not around to do so, I'm starting a new personal tradition. I will eat her favorite meal, spaghetti, every July 30th.

Plus, it's Wednesday this year, which of course is Prince spaghetti day. So I suppose I should have a double helping. (But then, I always do. Of everything.)

THE TREASURE OF THE ARCHIVO ROJO (EPISODE 3)

For this installment, we take a look at another piece by fellow former Corpsmember Scott Haden. This one is perhaps my favorite:

***

STRAIGHT CURVE

A straight curve is a curve that runs straight without any bumps, ridge, or other curves. For example, if someone was to walk around a corner, in order to have a straight curve he wouldn't be able to stagger. He would have to walk in a straight line only it curves.

OHIO TO CARSON PALMER:

DROP DEAD!

2008 ESPY AWARDS DRINKING GAME

Do a shot whenever they show Fergie in the audience. You will die of alcohol poisoning.

PS: If one of the networks just took a chance, Justin Timberlake could be the next Carol Burnett.

COMING SOON...

My pal Bryan and I are currently designing the first (to my knowledge) URBAN frisbee golf course.

Hey, Southwyck was just sitting there!

QUOTE DU JOUR

"Now that the FCC fines for the topless Super Bowl antics have been struck down, Janet Jackson is working on a crotchless cheerleading routine for the NBA Finals next year."--Janet Dahl

QUOTE OF THE WEEK...NOT!

"We took three out of four, so that was perfect."

--Leon "Bull" Durham, acting Mud Hens manager (Larry Parrish was in NY for the Futures Game) during last Sunday's game at Indy, which the Hens lost after winning the first 3 games of the 4-game series.

Um, excuse me, Bull, Wouldn't FOUR out of four be perfect?

CLEAR AS DAY

If you get a chance to catch a replay of the 2003 Fiesta Bowl (Ohio State vs Miami) on the Big Ten Network (or possibly ESPN Classic), take a look at the celebrating Buckeye fans right after they score their second touchdown. For about a second, you'll see an enthusiastic female OSU fan jumping up and down in a white shirt with the UM helmet on it and the words "FUCK MICHIGAN". You gotta love it.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 28.0 C / 82.4 F

FOLLOW THE PATH

With the possibility of an increase in Duck Pond readership by frisbee golf (or if you prefer, disc golf) enthusiasts, I'd like to unveil a new frisbee golf variation I invented recently.

After making up a course at Highland Park, and redesigning the course I made up years ago at Walbridge Park, I came up with the idea of using the paved walking/biking loops at those two parks for this new variation.

As a sort of tribute to the online parody cult from a few years ago, the Followers Of Geno, I have dubbed it "Follow The Path". Here's how to play:

Find a park with a paved walking loop, the ones at Highland and Walbridge are each about a mile. Pick a starting/finishing point anywhere on the path. Then pick which direction you want to go, clockwise or counterclockwise.

Each throw that lands on the path at least partially is 1 point. Any throw that lands on the outer side of the path's loop is 2 points. Any throw that lands on the inner side of the loop is 3 points. Whoever completes the loop with the fewest points wins. (Another scoring option instead of 1-2-3 is 1-3-5.)

Any object near a bend or curve in the path (tree, pole, sign, etc.) should be thought of as a 'gate' (sort of like in skiing), and your throw must go around it the same way the path does. If your throw goes past a gate on the wrong side, you will have to throw back the way you came and go around the gate the right way.

In cases where there is a bend in the path and no object nearby to serve as a gate, try to use the apex of the bend in the path as a gate. This is optional and open to personal taste and interpretation, but I try to keep in the spirit of the game and 'follow the path'. No shortcuts!

The main benefits of this variation, I've found so far, are that you don't have to wind up with a sore elbow throwing as hard and as far as you can. Distance helps of course as you want to complete the loop in as few throws as possible, but accuracy is obviously very important. A round or two of this game might result in better approach shots when you go back to regular frisbee golf.

And natch you need to be really good at making shots that will slide nice and straight down the path (especially if you use the 1-3-5 scoring option).

Using the 1-2-3 scoring at Highland, my current record low score is 91 points.

Have fun and good luck!

The Geno follow the path
The path is the way
The way is the light
The light is grey.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 25.0 C / 77.0 F

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE

The PDGA.com info page for the JCC course has been updated, and now includes a link to my full scathing review. If it saves just one fellow frisbee golfer from the horrors of that place, it will have been worth it.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 27.0 C / 80.6 F

GREAT IDEA

Steve Dahl had a fantastic idea yesterday. Why not make a fuel from a vegetable that no one likes, like Brussels sprouts or broccoli?

Current Duck Pond temperature: 24.9 C / 76.8 F

WORST...FRISBEE GOLF COURSE...EVER!

The other day my karaoke komrade Bryan and I traveled up to Jackson, MI to shoot a round of frisbee golf at a course on the campus of Jackson Community College.

A round of 18 holes at our home course, Ottawa Park in Toledo, takes about an hour or just over an hour, longer if the course is busy. So we figured this wouldn't take long.

Over 3 hours later...

I wish I could meet the person who designed this JCC course. I'd like to shake their hand. And then snap it off at the wrist and slap them silly with it. And then break their arm off and beat them to death with it.

My lack of god. The horror. The horror.

The first hint of an actual course we were able to spot was the 4th basket. We figured it would be easy to backtrack to the first tee. The problem was, the 4th basket was near the edge of an open field, thus we had no idea in which direction we would find the 4th tee. After a bit of searching we found the 5th tee. This did not help.

After some more wandering around trying to get our bearings, spotting a few baskets here and there in the distance, we found the 8th basket. Not far from that was the 2nd basket. Oy. By this time my feet already hurt, and we hadn't even started playing yet!

We traced back along what we hoped was the 2nd fairway, and after close to a half hour of walking around lost and disoriented we finally spotted two other players. They directed us towards the first tee the best they could, but it still took some searching to find it.

We played the first two holes, then it was back to more looking around in vain trying to find the 3rd tee. Luckily our guides from before reappeared and got us to it. Mind you, there was no marker or sign for it, but they assured us that the tee was 'near this patch of dirt right about here.'

Hole #4 was nearly 500 feet long, half the length of the Monster hole at Hudson Mills. The fairway, as I said earlier, was just an open field, covered with weeds and those ugly little white round shriveled-up-dandelion-looking things (are those dandelions?) that draw bees so you have to watch your step. But the bees were nothing compared to the horse flies (as in 'as big as') and other bugs that come at your head.

Then it was back to the 5th tee. We played back across the field toward a basket we saw a few minutes earlier, believing it to be hole #5. Only after we finished it did we see the number on the other side of the basket. "6". So we had to backtrack into the woods to find tee #6 and hole #5 and then go back to tee #5 and start over.

We got thru #7 and had to do more searching for the 8th tee. Got thru 8, 9 and 10, then found tee #11. Did I mention the rough? There's a lot of rough on this course. And it is beyond rough. If you dare play this course, bring plenty of extra discs, because the rough on this course will eat discs like Melmackians eat cats. It is only thru stubborn persistence that we managed to escape with all the discs we brought with us.

So there was a lot of rough on 11. We tried our best to stay on the extremely narrow fairway, but at one point Bryan's disc was MIA for maybe 15 minutes. We finally found it, and finished the hole. Then we noticed the number on the basket. "12". Not again! And after all that searching around for the lost disc. AARRGH!

So we traipse back to tee #11. Did I mention the tees? Most other frisbee golf courses have concrete tees, about 4'x8'. Not here. The tee-off areas were basically just patches of dirt, marked by a pile of rocks nearby with the hole number, distance and a vague line showing the course direction painted on a flat slab of rock sort of resembling a cemetery headstone, perhaps marking the makeshift graves of previous frisbee golfers who had killed themselves rather than play this wretched course any further!

So we re-examine the marker for hole #11. What we had mistaken for the fairway was just a mown path for walking. There was no other fairway in sight, but right by the marker was a hint of a narrow path down a steep hill. A broken neck waiting to happen. Farther down the hill was a lot of rocks and mud, and a large puddle. Beyond that was more rough and then a clear patch. It couldn't be, we thought. It couldn't possibly...The three of us cautiously and reluctantly make our way down the steep hill.

We get to the clear patch. It's part of a fairway with a basket at the other end. Now we are in a state of furious denial. Bryan has the younger legs, so he runs ahead to check the basket number. Sure enough it's 11. Now we are just plain furious! We refuse to go back up the hill, and we tee off from the front end of the fairway.

From that travesty we're off to tee #12. Hole 12, which we know from before, is straight up a hill. Did I mention the numerous elevation changes on this course? If you dare play this course (and by this time I hope I have talked some sense into you and you will heed this warning and avoid this course like the plague), wear good hiking shoes because you will be trudging up and down a LOT of hills.

Holes 13, 14 and 15 also require quite a bit of recon. By now we have learned to spread out a bit until one of us finds the right tee/hole. By now we are also just about ready to drop from exhaustion.

While the other two find their way to tee #15, I happen upon basket #16. This is the 2nd-stupidest thing about this course, after the insane layout of hole #11. I am later informed that a JCC student laid out the course. I must assume this idiot was on drugs at the time. How else do you explain 11?

In fact, at several points throughout the course I noticed a faint hint of a white line which I presumed was meant to lead one around the course. But since it was so faint and inconsistent it utterly failed to act as any sort of a reliable guide, I am left to theorize that perhaps this trail was whatever kind of powdered substance this idiot was snorting while plotting out the course, slowly leaking out of their pocket?

Anyway, back to basket #16, which as I said was only surpassed in idiocy by hole #11. Any other basket on any other course (and in fact every other basket on this course) is set in a clear spot. 16, however...oy. I meet Bry at tee #15. "Wait til you see hole 16! You won't believe how stupid it is!"

Yes, basket #16 is planted in a patch of weeds. This is sort of like putting a regular golf hole in a bunker. Bryan's putting game has been off all day, he really better improve by the time he gets to 16!

With two holes left, we grab a seat on the ground under the gigantic shadow of the campus water tower. There is a road nearby. This would probably be the best place to park next time we play this course, and we'd just start on hole 17 and finish on 16. That is, if we were ever crazy and masochistic enough to play this course again, which I highly doubt.

If you're enough of a masochist to try it, I should probably add that our guides from earlier in the day warned us to tuck our pant legs in our socks and hope to avoid ticks. So for that extra boost of punishment, if you'd like to risk Lyme disease, kick your shoes and socks off and go for it!

Or if you're allergic to bee stings, perhaps venturing into the 4th 'fairway' will lead to your being stung to death, thus sparing you most of the horrors we encountered. Which tee marker would you like to be buried under?

Jackson Community College: WORST. FRISBEE. GOLF. COURSE. EVER!

Current Duck Pond temperature: 27.0 C / 80.6 F

COMING UP, A REVIEW OF THE WORST...FRISBEE GOLF COURSE...EVER

But first, you know what I'd like to see on the Espy Awards sometime? Roger Federer and Jeff Gordon presenting an award together, with Gordon wearing tennis whites and Federer wearing a Dupont fire suit. How many people would be fooled?

Current Duck Pond temperature: 25.0 C / 77.0 F

THE LATEST SONG I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW

Foo Fighters--"Razor"

Dave Grohl on acoustic guitar. Haunting, pretty tune. Eat your heart out, Segovia.



Wake up, it's time | We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind | I need to know, I need to know tonight
Sweet and divine | Razor of mine | Sweet and divine | Razorblade shine

Patience, my dear | We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time | I hope I get the chance to say goodbye
Sweet and divine | Razor of mine | Sweet and divine | Razorblade shine

Day after day | Cutting away | Day after day | But anyway

Wake up, it's time | We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind | I need to know, I need to know tonight
Sweet and divine | Razor of mine | Sweet and divine | Razorblade shine

Current Duck Pond temperature: 24.0 C / 75.2 F

YOUR TAX REBATE DOLLARS AT WORK

Got 2 pieces of mail today:

One was a letter from the IRS telling me I should be receiving my rebate check soon.

The other was my rebate check.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 24.9 C / 76.8 F

TONIGHT'S FORECAST: DARK



"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."--George Carlin

He was a modern man. A man for the millenium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically-, anatomically-, and ecologically-incorrect.

He was uplinked and downloaded, he was inputed and outsourced. He knew the upside of downsizing, he knew the downside of upgrading. He was a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker, and he could give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

He was new wave, but he was old school, and his inner child was outward bound. He was a hot-wired heat-seeking warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable. He interfaced with his database, his database was in cyberspace. He was interactive, hyperactive and, from time to time, he was radioactive.

Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, riding a wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope. He was on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. He had no need for coke and speed. He had no urge to binge and purge. He was in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept low-profile medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart-bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder. He wore power ties, he told power lies, he took power naps, he ran victory laps. He was a totally ongoing bigfoot slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial.

He had a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You couldn't shut him up. You couldn't dumb him down. Because he was tireless and he was wireless. He was an alpha male on beta blockers.

He was a nonbeliever and an overachiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super-size, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. He was a hands-on foot-loose knee-jerk head-case, prematurely post-traumatic and he had a love child who sent him hate mail.

He was feeling, he was caring, he was healing, he was sharing. A supportive bonding nurturing primary caregiver. His output was down but his income was up, he took a short position on the long bond and his revenue stream had its own cash flow. He read junk mail, he ate junk food, he bought junk bonds, he watched trash sports. He was gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

He liked rough sex, he liked tough love. He used the f-word in his e-mail and the software on his hard drive was hardcore, no soft porn. He bought a microwave at a mini-mall, he bought a minivan at a megastore. He ate fast food in the slow lane. He was toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear and he came in all sizes.

A fully-equipped factory-authorized hospital-tested clinically-proven scientifically-formulated medical miracle. He was pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and he had an unlimited broadband capacity.

He was a rude dude but he was the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. He took it slow, he went with the flow, he rode with the tide, he had glide in his stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. He didn't snooze so he didn't lose. He kept the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. He partied hearty, and lunch time was crunch time.

He hung in, there ain't no doubt. And he hung tough. Over and out.



Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.9 C / 75.0 F

MY FRIENDS SUCK

I called. I texted. Dozens of karaoke and non-karaoke friends and relatives. I let everyone I could think of know about my new karaoke show.

Nobody showed up. Sure, I had plenty of singers, but I didn't know anybody there.

Time to make new friends, I suppose.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.1 C / 73.5 F

QUOTE DU JOUR

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."
- Theodor Seuss Geisel

Current Duck Pond temperature:
23.4 C / 74.1 F

THE BETTER RODENT TRAP: WASTEBASKETS

Got a rodent in your house? Have you set out snap traps and glue traps and poison, all to no avail?

I've been there, and the only rodent-catching method with which I have EVER had consistent success is this: Two identical wastebaskets, preferably your standard tall rectangular kitchen variety, and a shitload of vigilance.

Set one wastebasket near where you've seen the disgusting little bastard, and bait it with some standard tasty-smelling garbage. Last time I found the greasy cardboard from inside a pizza box incredibly effective.

And now you play the waiting game. Clear your schedule for the next few hours. Listen to some music or the TV. Keep the other wastebasket handy, and monitor the baited one like a psychotic hawk. (The better the bait, the shorter the wait. That greasy pizza cardboard took less than an hour.)

When your visitor comes to check out your garbage, and it will, wait for it to hop in, then swoop in with the second wastebasket and drop it in the first one. Now you've got it trapped. If you prefer not to kill it, you can now run it outside to the nearest empty field or woods or wherever, and release it. The problem with releasing them is that they will now go look for another house to terrorize, or quite possibly return to yours! Well, fuck that shit.

If you'd rather kill it, use an awl to punch a couple of small holes in the second wastebasket. Once you've got it trapped, pour some bleach in. Oh, sorry, is that too cruel? Fuck you, it's vermin!

I released the last one, but only because I didn't think of the bleach thing yet.

Current Duck Pond temperature:
21.9 C / 71.4 F

A NEW FEATURE WHICH IS COMPLETELY POINTLESS (WELL, EXCEPT FOR DECIMAL POINTS)

I've decided to start ending every post with the current temperature here in my man cave, according to my new digital thermometer. And since it'll appear just above the time I posted, think of it as sort of a modernized throwback to the days of calling the Ohio Bell recording that gave the time and temperature.

Current Duck Pond temperature: 23.7 C / 74.6 F

I'M GETTING OLD

First I started regularly watching the Mud Hens, now this: I actually watched golf over the weekend. Not even frisbee golf, REGULAR golf! What's next for me, Wii bowling?!

Mind you, it involved a lot of ridiculously-amazing shots by Tiger Woods and a thrilling back-and-forth playoff battle between him and the fun-to-watch Rocco Mediate. But still.

NY MAN COMMITTED SUICIDE IN JUMP FROM PLANE
June 9, 2008

DUANESBURG, N.Y. (AP) - A man who jumped from a skydiving plane without a parachute had been asking co-workers if they would rather die by jumping off a building or out of a plane.

Sloan Carafello, 29, was an observer on the plane Saturday and witnesses said he leaped out behind three parachuters at 10,000 feet. Police said Monday that he committed suicide.

Carafello, who lived in Schenectady, recently had unnerved some of his grocery store co-workers by frequently asking them, "If you had to die, would you rather jump off a building or jump out of a plane without a parachute?" Dave Bilili, an assistant manager at the store, told the Times Union of Albany.

Police found Carafello's body next to a house with a damaged roof in a rural town 15 miles west of Albany.

"It could have been one of two things, accident or suicide, and we ruled out accident," state police investigator Mario DiCristofaro said Monday.

DiCristofaro would not provide further details of the investigation. An autopsy Sunday said the cause of death was massive trauma.

Carafello had lived at a YMCA since August, said Louis Magliocca, the residence director. He said investigators searched Carafello's room, but didn't find a suicide note.

Bob Rawlins, who owns the skydiving company and was the pilot Saturday, said Carafello had asked to take a ride so he could take pictures for a school project. A videographer on board captured images of Carafello leaving the plane and turned it over to police.

"It's not the easiest thing to see," DiCristofaro said. "He comes out of the plane and starts falling."

Police said they won't release the video.

THE TREASURE OF THE ARCHIVO ROJO (EPISODE 2)

Time to dip into the good old Red Folder full of goofy shit from my past.

Today we travel back to my days at Job Corps (1984-85). There was this fellow corpsmember of mine by the name of Scott Haden. I didn't know him that well actually, but I did get to read a lot of short stories and essays and things that he had written back in school. It was quality weirdness, so I typed up copies of all of it and they ended up in the Red Folder. This first item of his that I will share with you is a short piece titled "Revenge":

REVENGE by Scott Haden

Here I am just standing here having a fool made out of myself, letting all these people do what they want to me. It's very humiliating. Being a shoe is not easy. Having to hold up 150 lbs. every day, it's a drag. For instance, just the other day me and my owner were walking through this cow pasture when...well, I guess you know what's next. But anyway he starts griping about it, and here I am, every bit of cow CENSORED on me. Man did I get mad. I wanted to make him trip so bad that I did, and you'll never guess where...well, let's just say that he has something to gripe about now.

The End

Next time from the Archivo Rojo: Scott Haden's "Straight Curve"

OH NOOOOOOOO! HE'S BACK!

Click here to see Mr. Bill's new commercial

THE CURSE OF MISTER ED CONTINUES

THE LAST 30 YEARS

Over the last few weeks I have been mentally compiling a list of things that have happened, come and gone since the last Triple Crown winner (hereafter abbreviated as TCW).

During my childhood I got to see 3 of them. Even two in a row! I took the feat for granted. How spoiled I was! Sure, there was a 25-year drought before that, but I wasn't around for most of that.

Those of you reading this who are under 30 have not had a TCW in your entire lifetime. That includes several of my friends and all 9 of my nieces and nephews (a few of whom have kids of their own now). That blows my mind. And you might not even care. You don't know what you're missing. I do.

I'm slowly becoming a geezer. I had no idea I'd been around this long. Turns out, 30 earth orbits around the sun is a friggin' LONG TIME! Here's just a few things that have occured since the last TCW:

Dale Earnhardt won 7 Nascar championships (plus Rookie Of The Year in 1979!)
Disco Demolition!
The Steelers became the first team to win 3 Super Bowls
The AIDS epidemic
Cal Ripken's entire 2,632 consecutive game streak
Dan Rather replaced Walter Cronkite
The Falkland Islands War
The Iranian hostage crisis
J.R. Ewing and John Lennon were both shot
Michael Jackson released his first solo album (and was still black!)
Mount St. Helens erupted
Pluto moved inside Neptune's orbit and back out again, AND it's moon Charon was discovered
President Jimmy Carter was attacked by a rabbit
Richard Pryor burned himself
Skylab fell out of orbit
Three Mile Island
Voyagers I and II flew by the outer planets

Things that didn't exist at the time of the last TCW:
"Breakfast at Wimbledon"
CART
CNN, ESPN, MTV, Nickelodeon and the Weather Channel
Compact discs
Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" TV series
The DeLorean
Double-Stuf Oreos
The entire Indiana Jones and Star Trek movie series
Nintendo
The Susan B. Anthony dollar
Taxi and WKRP In Cincinnati (both of which ran this week on WGN's Outta Sight Retro Nights)
Test-tube babies

When Affirmed completed the Triple Crown at Belmont on June 3, 1978:

Barack Obama was still in high school
Toledo Mud Hens 3rd baseman Mike Hessman, the reigning IL MVP, was 3 months old
The Cubs had only gone a mere 70 years since winning the World Series
Marco's Pizza had either just started or was about to (all I know is they started in 1978)
Not only had ALF not yet premiered, but neither had Mork & Mindy!

Not yet born at the time of the last TCW:
Chelsea Clinton
Macaulay Culkin
Paris Hilton
Katie Holmes
William Hung
Anna Kournikova
Matthew Lawrence
Danica Patrick
Michael Pitt
Britney Spears
Justin Timberlake

Still alive at the time of the last TCW:
Harry Chapin
Alfred Hitchcock
Joe Louis
Keith Moon
Jesse Owens
Colonel Sanders
Jay "Tonto" Silverheels
Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen
John Wayne

People who were born AND died since the last TCW:
Heath Ledger
Adam Petty

And last but not least...Mister Ed, the talking horse, died on February 28, 1979. How's THAT for perspective? The last time the Triple Crown was won, MISTER ED was still alive!

CONGRATS TO HOCKEYTOWN!!!

LET'S PUT THESE IN THE NEXT WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY ALONG WITH 'SPAMMENT'

I've coined two new words in the last two days. Which is why I failed to post the last two days. I was busy coining new words. It's very time-consuming.

"Drizzerable"--Rather obvious weather term. It's not just drizzle, but miserably so.

"Snippy-snappy"--Describes people in Maryland, who have displayed to me over the last two days an incredible lack of basic phone manners. They are waaay too grouchy and waaaaay too terse. I think the whole state must be experiencing a widespread irritable-bowel-syndrome epidemic. (That or the weather there is drizzerable this week.)

It's not easy being a pacifist sometimes. After two evenings of being snippy-snapped at by Marylanders, my urge to kill causes my nerves to twitch severely and, since I don't have a way to get to Maryland, and even if I could get there I would be completely incapable of fulfilling my desire to strangle people to death, I have to come home and find inanimate objects I had planned to put out in the garbage anyway and bash them to tiny bits with my claw hammer and pretend they are the skulls of Marylanders.

...COMES THE TIME WE HAVE TO SAY 'SO LONG'


Harvey Korman
1927-2008

HAMMERHEAD!

If I ever get around to creating a Corner Gas drinking game, here's the first rule:

Whenever Oscar says "Jackass", you answer "Hammerhead!" and down a Hammerhead cocktail.

MORE THAN A MOUTHFUL IS A WASTE

I am really, really, REALLY sick of TV commercials for 'male enhancement' products.

Never mind Enzyte, which apparently carries with it the unfortunate side-effect of making the user look like a crazed, grinning zombie idiot, like a reject from Soundgarden's video for "Black Hole Sun". The latest one to piss me off is Extenze, because they keep making reference to "that certain part of the male anatomy".

Now, let's pretend I'm a complete imbecile. Exactly which part of the male anatomy are they talking about? They don't say, so how do I know? Sure, we all THINK we know which part they mean. But what if it's something else? What if it's the prostate? I don't want that enlarged, that would be a bad thing, right? Or what if you take it and wake up the next morning and your Adam's apple is suddenly freakishly huge? "Bloody fucking hell! I look like Randy Johnson!"

I don't need ANY body parts enlarged, in fact, I need several reduced! That "certain part" of MY anatomy is just fine the size it is. To any guys out there who think theirs is not big enough, I say just go ahead and fucking kill yourself already. You're making the rest of your gender look ridiculous.

PS: I forgot the latest annoying thing about Enzyte: They've been running ads in which the grinning zombie idiot is dressed as Santa. IT'S MAY! IT'S FUCKING MAY!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!

UTAH PHILLIPS 1935-2008, DICK MARTIN 1922-2008

Click here for an mp3 of the classic Utah Phillips story, "Moose Turd Pie".


Left pic: Utah Phillips. Right pic: Dan Rowan (1922-1987) and Dick Martin.

Also we mourn the passing of Dick Martin of "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In". Say goodnight, Dick.