STICK IT TO ME

While you're waiting for me to post the nominations for all my usual year-end awards, here's some stuff to keep you occupied...

Stick figure fighting: it's all the rage! I think. Here's a few links to get you started on this fascinating new spectator sport:

Xiao Xiao #3
One of the first stick figure fighting films I saw, and still one of the best.

Stick Figure Death Theater
This is where I found the above film. A ton of others, including more from Xiao Xiao.

StickDeath.com
Just what it says. Fun for the whole stick figure family.

There. Now you know just a few of the many places where you can stick it.

IF THIS WORKS, I'M PLAYING THE LOTTERY NEXT

Okay folks, this is a long shot, but it's worth a try...

Is there, by any chance, anyone reading this who happened to save the text to the "No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus" piece I wrote last year for the old Shagout multi-person blog? If so please email it to ducksoup@sacbeemail.com so I post it again this year. I'm just too damn lazy to try to rewrite it. Thanks.

I'M STILL HERE

Been experiencing a bout of writer's block lately. Bear with me.

ALL YOUR ANGST ARE BELONG TO US

Found something interesting. It's the cover art of an album that our very own Shaggy released a few years ago, during his brief Kenny Loggins/Al Stewart/Cat Stevens-type introspective phase. I think it'll be out on CD soon.

Click the link below to check it out.

Rock me gently

IS THIS TOO MORBID?

In the wake of my mom's premature demise, and the inevitable disputes over who gets what, I have naturally been giving a lot of thought to what will happen to my stuff should I check out early.

I have yet to craft a will, hopefully soon I'll get around to it, but in the meantime, I could use your help, mi amigos.

Who wants what?

Come on, stake your claims now! I have to die sooner or later. Why should my worldly possessions take up space in a landfill? Help recycle, dammit!

Okay, so you guys can't call dibs on my organs, but the rest is up for grabs!

First and foremost, there's all my ALF stuff, much of which you have been reading about here the last few. Then there's my vast stockpile of audio and video tapes, the content of which runs the gamut. After that, it's pretty much the usual worldly-possession-type crap. Some worthy of resale, some only of sentimental value, but overall nothing to write home about.

Mind you, I am a borderline minor local celebrity, so if there's anything currently in my possession that would make for tabloid fodder, I trust my executor will keep it hidden from the general public. Speaking of which...

Who calls executor? "All the all the outs in free!"

Tell ya what, let's settle that as fairly as possible...

My...mother...and...your...mother...were...hanging...up...clothes...
My...mother...socked...your...mother...in...the...nose...
What...color...of...blood...came...out?

THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER

A good week for me ALF-wise. First the "Got cat?" poster, then the "ALF Files" DVD, then my new ALF cell phone face plate.

The best part about the face plate? The main button is strategically and conveniently located right over ALF's crotch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch. Touch...

And so the ALF paraphernalia collection grows. Next I'll be stockpiling ALF plushies. Hey, you gotta have backups.

IS IT JUST ME...

...or are my posts getting shorter?

I'M VERY...HAP-PY!

I am now the proud owner of The "ALF Files" DVD. Oh yeah. I have creamed my jeans. My nipples have exploded with delight. My hovercraft is full of eels.

I'll watch it later today. But first I'm just going to lie in bed next to it and cuddle with it for a while.

MMM...THE NEW KITTEN TERIYAKI SUB...(DROOL DROOL)

Thanks to Shaggy, there's a new #2 pic in the Gallery too. Also the Shagman has sent his first query to the Ask blog. Much obliged.

And I'm just about to make a run for the border to grab my copy of the ALF DVD, which Shagola tipped me off to.

Tell ya what, let's just declare this "Give Your Props To Shaggy" Day!

No, wait, I forgot, it's Nov. 4. Never mind. This is already "Death To America" Day. (Hey, I didn't name it. Bite me.)

"I'VE BEEN FRAMED!"

We've had a swap for the top spot in the Gallery. And the hard copy of the new #1 pic is now in my possession. Read more about it!

REMEMBERING A PIONEER...

Jam Master Jay
1965-2002

story here

THERE ARE SOME THINGS MONEY CAN'T BUY

Check this out from The Brunching Shuttlecocks: It's called Priceless. And it is. It's the best MasterCard ad I've seen to date and it's not even a real one!

IT'S ALIVE! MY CREATION IS ALIVE!

Wow. This Ask Ducksoup thang is getting huge! A ton of questions in the mailbag today. Go check out my answers.

WARNING! NEW FEATURE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Man, I am just chock full of ideas lately. Here's my latest stroke of genius:

Ask Ducksoup

Try it (with milk). It's fun! I hope.

PS: Holy unexpected popularity, Batman! "Ask Ducksoup" has been up for only an hour or so and already I've received 3 questions. From total strangers! All this time I thought my entire readership consisted of my 3 best friends/Duck Pond affiliates. Where did all you other people come from? And what's wrong with you?! Well, wherever you came from, thanks large for starting off the "Ask" thing with a resounding bang! I can hardly keep up!

WAIT FOR IT...WAIT FOR IT...

Bummer.

The "ALF Files" DVD is not due in Windsor stores until November 4th. But I WILL HAVE IT!!!

IF THE POLICE NEVER FIND IT, IS IT STILL A CLUE?

So, the note the sniper left on the tarot card said "I am god", which as you might recall was the title of Taco The Wonder Dog's remix of the Mark Standriff/Chubby Checker interview.

I predict the next note will read "I am the wheel that rock rolls on", and then we've got our man!

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME ON THE WAY TO OBLIVION

How screwed up is my mind? Here's a scenario I recently dreamed up for my own demise...

I'm driving and I crash my van into an ambulance. I go flying through the windshield and land in the back of the ambulance. So far I'm only injured, and the ambulance is not too severely damaged, so they start to take me to the hospital.

On the way the ambulance collides with another vehicle, and I go flying out of the ambulance and land in the back of the other vehicle, dead. You guessed it...it's a hearse.

And then on the way to the cemetery the hearse hits a deep pothole...and IN I GO! WHEE!

I need therapy.

3/19/2011, PS: I've since made some additions to this scenario. After the hearse a cement truck hits the same pothole and the contents spill in on top of me. Then a florist drives by and...well, you get the idea.

GAG ME WITH A SPOON

(NOTE: The show in question is no longer posted.)

Steve Dahl Show, Wednesday, October 2, time code 1:17:18 to 1:26:02. Go. Listen. Now!

A woman drops by the studio with a hair-trigger gag reflex. No puking, just gagging. Say something gross and she ulps. This is one for the "Best Of" reel. I heard it here at work and had to bite a hole in my lip to keep from laughing too loud.

PS: Also on the same show, after you enjoy the gagging woman, skip ahead to time code 2:00:18 to 2:15:58, as Steve gives his own review of BK tacos vs Taco Bell tacos, and tells us what soda flavor goes best with a BK taco. It's a combination throwback to both the Cola Wars AND the Taco Wars!

Dahl copying me: there's a switch!!!

PPS: It gets weirder: During Thursday's show, they're talking about a Sopranos character doing amyl nitrate while getting a vibrator up the keister, and also about video head cleaners and alkyl nitrate, and Steve mentions Rush. By name. And did I not mention my sudden craving for poppers after getting drunk? Weird. Eerie.

VROOM. VROOM.

The official FART blog is now open for your perusal.

In other news, I'm down to 318 and I've reached the 5th hole on my belt. This starting from the 2nd hole about two months ago. All this just from eating less. Imagine when I begin exercising too! And the fall frisbee golf season is approaching, so heads up, amigos.

By my estimation, I'm losing about 3 pounds a week. In 2 years, I'll be gone.

YO QUIERO TACO WARS

"LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMBLLLLLLE!"

In this corner, weighing in at...ah, hell, I don't know how much they weigh, and it's not much of a battle, so let's just get to it, shall we?

TACO BELL'S "CRUNCHY" TACO vs BURGER KING'S "CRISPY" TACO

TB's "Crunchy" has been a perennial fave, but in recent years has slipped in the taste department, primarily due to TB's sudden prejudice against yellow corn shells. Why the white corn shells? For our health? Look, I've said this before about the lack of salt on my french fries at the burger joints, and it applies here too: If I were the type who was concerned about my health or my sodium intake, I wouldn't be eating drive-thru in the first place! I expect salt on my fries and yellow corn shells under and around my taco filling!

And speaking of taco filling, would someone please explain to me what is with that pumpkin-y aftertaste I get a couple of hours after eating at TB? It's creepy. But I digress. Back to the white shells, they seem to crumble more than the ol' yellers. Also, TB tacos are often way too heavy on lettuce and way too light on cheese. If I wanted lettuce I'd eat a salad. And as ALF once said about salad, "That's not food, that's the stuff food eats." So, while I still dig on TB tacos, they've been developing serious problems. I suggest therapy.

As for the challengers, I had heard good things about the BK taco from Chicago radio legend Steve Dahl, who compares them to Jack-In-The-Box "Super" tacos, which I'd gladly sample except that the nearest JITBs are in the greater St. Louis area. The JITB taco is said to be a good hangover cure, but I can't vouch for that, since after Degauss got me drunk I was in no condition to drive anywhere, especially St. Louis.

The first time I tried BK's "Crispy" the ingredients were different than they have been since. The first version had no cheese and a half slice of tomato in the center. Normally I pass on tomatoes, but I had waited so long to try the BK taco I threw my tomato-phobia to the wind and tucked in. The BK taco is so thoroughly smothered in taco sauce that I hardly noticed the tomato. By the second try the tomato was gone and there was now some melted cheese (kind of so-so cheese, but hey, it was melted!) inside. Much more to my liking. But still drowned in sauce. Very hot, very spicy, and very bad for my heat-sensitive taste buds. But if you like that sort of thing, go for it. I personally give the nod on that point to TB.

Where BK really shines is how their taco holds together. Part of TB's problem is the wide open nature of their shells. BK's shell, thanks in large part to the gallon of sauce, is not as dry and also it's closed more at the top. This is great if you're driving and don't want ingredients dropping out like stoned college students. But if you're the type who likes the impromptu taco salad formed by TB's lack of cohesion, you won't get it from BK.

Finally, in the price department, BK has the edge at 2 for 99 cents. But of course if you want an odd number of tacos, BK says go fuck yourself.

So in conclusion, if there was a way to combine the good points of each, and eliminate the drawbacks such as BK's excessive spiciness and TB's lack of cohesion, we might have one hell of a taco. As it stands now, I can still dig on either one.

[Now, as a sort of postscript, I should mention at this time that it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote the first draft of this, so to be fair, just the other night I gave both of our contestants a final back-to-back showdown. Lately, I have learned to ask for light or even no sauce on the BK taco, and it makes a world of difference. But there was a noticeable difference in the quality of the ingredients. The price is a dead giveaway. Only when sampled in succession does one notice that TB has a clear edge in ingredient quality. But on this particular night the TB tacos fell to pieces like Jimmy Swaggart in his "I have sinned against you" speech.]

So in conclusion, when you put TB and BK face-to-face in a knock-down, drag-out street fight, only one true winner emerges. The winner, and still champion of the Taco Wars, is...

EL TIPICO!

"Huh?!" I hear you all exclaim. But no, seriously, the best tacos I've ever had are right down the street within walking distance of my house. Simple little family-O&O'ed authentic Mexican place. Back when I was but a lad and one of my friends or I would steal money from our mom's purse, we'd go down the street to ET and I'd pig out on the #8 plate (5 tacos). Just as I did the last time I was down there a few weeks ago (except this time I didn't steal money from my mom...she's dead now, after all), and the #8 was still 5 tacos and they're still the best. Too bad there's not a drive-thru or I'd have them more often. Anyway, if any of my friends reading this are interested I'll treat, and you can judge for yourself.

[Note: Taco The Wonder Dog was not eligible for this contest. Frankly I have no interest in finding out what he tastes like.]

"GOOD COP AND BAD COP WENT HOME FOR THE DAY...I'M A DIFFERENT KIND OF COP"

WOOHOO! Michael Chiklis won the Best Actor Emmy for "The Shield"! Finally, there's some justice in the world! YESSSS!!!

Meanwhile, sorry for not posting for a while. And this isn't much of a post itself. But I thought I'd give you one of those "Coming Soon" thingies...

Coming Soon to The Duck Pond:

>Taco Wars: Taco Bell vs Burger King
>A link to the first official FART blog
>"Someone & Someone Else: An Annoyingly Vague Love Story" [pending approval of the party or parties involved therein who must remain unidentified for reasons we cannot disclose at this time]

Also some of these questions might actually be answered:

>Might I be the next Karen Carpenter?
>What good is a cell phone if you never answer it? (Steve?)
>What exactly is the proper term for the male equivalent of a mistress?
>If there are multiple universes, what do they call the thing they're all part of?

More later, until then I leave you with this thought:

A mayfly only lives one day. And sometimes it rains.

[Ducksoup's note: The following is from Taco's site, and I wanted to make sure you all saw it because it's fucking hilarious. But I'm posting it as is so no 5 bucks for typos. And why do I get the feeling you're all going to start referring to me by a new nickname?]

A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MARIO
By Taco and Livestock

Mario opened his eyes. It was a brand new day and it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! He instantly put on his brightest pair of red overalls and his special mario party underwear and combed the blood out of his mustache. He suspected all his friends in the magic kingdom or whatever gay shit name wherever he lives has were planning a surprise party, but he had no evidence to back it up. He decided he would play coy and wait for the important phone call inviting him to the party.

Suddenly, he heard a crash! He turned towards the source of the crash and saw a brick come crashing through his crashed window! CRASH! Mario looked out the window, but saw nobody! There was a note tied to the brick... it said, 'This is a brick!'

Furious, Mario took the brick into his basement where he busted it to pieces with a hammer he procured from a dead turtle. The brick crumbled into pieces, and he ate the pieces. Later his revenge was complete when he blew up a hat factory that was next to a brick factory. The fire spread to the brick factory and the brick factory fell over and landed on a man holding a brick. Police traced the arson back to Mario, and a swat team stormed his house arresting him. He was dragged to prison, where his special party underwear was broken in.

Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new dayand it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario tried to climb out of bed, but immense pain and bed sores prevented him from doing so. He was lying in a week's worth of urine and a month worth's of spaghetti. Also, he had no arms or legs due to a freak accident with a toaster and a cute puppy and a nuclear reactor.

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. It's a forklift and a crew ready to move Mario to the party. Only Mario can't open the door, so they wait ten minutes and then leave.

Mario lives on a steady supply of wet cat food and stupid cunt. Now the tense changes back to the past.

The phone rang in violent thunderings of "ring, ring." Mario leaned over to reach the screaming phone, but rolled out of bed and landed on the floor, crashing through it into an S&M dungeon below his house.

There was an S&M Dog there. "Hi," said the S&M Dog, "I'm Doug the S&M Dog."

Mario decided it was time to get in shape. He began his diet by not eating the S&M Dog. Doug the S&M Dog helped him get in shape by putting him in a box and hitting him over and over again with a stick. This only made Mario depressed.

Mario tried to hang himself using a noose made out of hotdog links. The cold, fleshy texture of the hotdogs reminded him of Italy, where he once made love to a vacationing Persian boy. Mario remembered the sweet memories. The memories smelled like orange juice. Then his neck snapped and he died instantly.

Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new dayand it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario opened his top drawer, pulled out his gun, and shot himself in the head three times.

Suddenly, Mario woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! But it was time to put that behind him. It was a brand new day and it wasn't just any day! It was his birthday! Mario climbed out of bed and ate a shitload of magic mushrooms. He got so high he took off all his clothes and went out in his front yard, where a raccoon raped and murdered him.

Mario lay bleeding in his front yard for six hours until his friends who had arrived to give him a surprise birthday party discovered him. They raped his corpse and threw it into the ocean, but only after pissing on Mario and writing "CUNT BURGER BOATPEOPLE" on his forehead in cunt-colored marker. It was the best surprise party anyone had ever thrown for Mario.

Mario lay in the bottom of the ocean for years, drifting vaguely to the west, until he happened to be crushed into the ocean floor by a sinking ship. Mario crunched through the rotted bottom of the ship. His corpse floated around the quarters and decks of the sunken vessel. There was a pirate skeleton and it raped him. The pirate skeleton was a pirate skeleton of honor, and so he wed Mario and they remained dead together for centuries.

One day Mario stopped being dead and floated to the surface to partake in his revenge upon his "friends" who had not given him a cake on his birthday His friends were long dead, which depressed Mario, so he committed suicide twice. He could not get revenge, and so he set about haunting a popular mailbox. He lived on love letters and mice. And every year on the day of his death, the mail disappears.

This has been the tale of the haunted mailbox haunted by the ghost of Mario who was killed several times in his sleep and ultimately killed for real followed closely by a two hundred year quest to rise from the depths of the ocean and get revenge. Now it is over. Goodbye!

Here's a sort of companion piece to go with the "Cola Wars" posting (it actually predates the other piece):

BLUE FOOD: REVISITED
by Ducksoup

I just had my first taste of Pepsi Blue, and not my last. I'd say in this latest epic cola grudge match, Pepsi Blue and Vanilla Coke have gamely fought to a draw. But it did start me thinking about the recent proliferation of blue food in our grocery stores and carryouts.

Many years ago, George Carlin wondered aloud why there was no blue food. Who had all the blue food? Why were they keeping it from us? All the other colors were represented. But in those days, the rare occurence of blue food was purely an arbitrary thing. The flavor in question never really had anything to do with blue in a tangible sense. The only food that could come close to laying claim to blue as an official food color was the blueberry. But as Carlin noted, "Blue on the vine, purple on the plate."

Of course, Grape had already called dibs on Purple, and nobody disputed it. And most of the other colors were no-brainers; Orange obviously had sole possession of Orange from the get-go (though it allowed its close associate Tangerine to use Burnt Orange), and Lemon simply beat Banana to the punch for the rights to Yellow, leaving Banana to settle for Pale Yellow.

Lime, meanwhile, had a firm grip on Green, but only because no one else wanted it. After all, many consumers associated Green with mold. And Lime Jello, let's face it, is widely regarded as a sad joke. In fact, Green's stock dropped so low at one point that Lime was ultimately left with few other options and was all but forced to team up with Lemon in products such as 7-Up and Sprite just to keep up its mortgage payments.

But the biggest battle for color rights in the fruit-flavored world was over Red. In the eyes of many, Cherry had firmly staked its claim to the color. But many others sided with Strawberry. After years of legal deadlocks, the two sides made an somewhat uneasy compromise. Cherry and Strawberry would simply stay out of each other's way.

To this day, the two rarely co-exist in any multi-flavored medium. In most other cases (Starburst, for example), Strawberry agreed to relegate itself to Pink. The rest of the time, Cherry would grudgingly agree to be a Dark Red, even Maroon in some cases. (Once, Cherry even attempted to use Burgundy, but was forced to back off after Dr. Pepper threatened legal action.)

And then, there was Raspberry. The bastard stepchild of the red berry flavors.

Raspberry, with absolutely no legal or popular support on its side, was left out in the cold. It tried in vain to obtain the rights to Violet-Red, but was no match for Cranberry, which had a wealth of powerful Thanksgiving lobbyists on its side. For many years, Raspberry was a flavor without a color to call its own.

Then, in the late 1970s, the faithful support of a small cult of Raspberry enthusiasts grew at an astonishing rate to a groundswell of popular support to give the flavor its due. For years the fruit-flavored food industry had been thoroughly resistant to change, and the idea that flavors and colors must match in all circumstances went unchallenged. But in the landmark 1978 Supreme Court case of California v. Slush Puppie, the radical and unprecedented move was made to grant Raspberry use of the color Blue.

Needless to say, Blueberry was PISSED. But the unpopular flavor had no leg to stand on, especially after Boo Berry cereal ceased production. When it finally was granted an official color years later, it had to settle for Blue-Violet, and then only after Grape had agreed to ease up on its virtual stranglehold on the entire violet and near-violet realm of the spectrum.

Raspberry continues to thrive using Blue as its medium, and has since granted many others permission to use the color in limited release, the latest of course being the lucrative deal with Pepsi. Thus, store shelves are now seemingly overrun with blue products. Still, none of these have flavors that are inherently blue in nature. And so, in the hearts and minds of purists, there remains no 'true blue' food to this day.

Meanwhile, other color battles are still being waged. Strawberry's occasional use of Pink, for example, ran into a formidable challenge from Watermelon beginning in the early 1980s. But in recent years, Strawberry has inexplicably teamed up with Kiwi in order to hang on to Pink. Many consumers, myself included, regard this as a match made in hell. I would put it this way: If the primary fruit flavors were the Beatles, Strawberry would be John Lennon, making Kiwi its Yoko Ono. (Except that Kiwi has a better singing voice.)

[2010 P.S. I guess this means Acai is May Pang.]

Flavor experts agree that the discovery of the fourth primary color, Squant, in the early 1990s could revolutionize the flavor-coloring world. But with Squant-related proprietary disputes between paint companies tying up the courts for years, it could be decades before the fruit-flavored color wars are settled.

But it could be worse, considering the limited flavor choices our grandparents and great-grandparents had to deal with back when the entire world was in black-and-white.

Think about that the next time you encounter coconut or licorice.

ROCK AND ROLLER COLA WARS, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE
by Ducksoup

After Shaggy's review of new soda flavors, I took it upon myself to see what would happen when all 4 were combined in various ways to see what hideous mutant creatures would come crawling up out of the flask.

Once I brought home 2 liters of each soda, my brother Snail and I had a soda-tasting session (like a wine-tasting session, only fizzy!), and in a short time, what started out as a calm, well-civilized flavor comparison turned into a no-holds-barred street brawl of carbonated chaos!

In full-blown OCD mode, we arranged the flavors in alphabetical order and drew up a round-robin tournament of two-at-a-time combinations. The schedule was as follows:

Round 1
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Mountain Dew Code Red
Pepsi Blue vs Vanilla Coke
Round 2
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Pepsi Blue
Mountain Dew Code Red vs Vanilla Coke
Round 3
Dr. Pepper Red Fusion vs Vanilla Coke
Mountain Dew Code Red vs Pepsi Blue

Match #1: Red Fusion vs Code Red
The battle of the Reds. In the color department, it was a draw. As for flavor, it was a split decision. Snail agreed with the Doc's prognosis, I did the Dew.
Winner: draw

Match #2: Pepsi Blue vs Vanilla Coke
The heavyweight grudge match. Blue held its own in the color battle, resulting in an intriguing dark green. The Vanilla got off to a strong start, and in Snail's view held off a late charge by Blue. In my view, Blue had too much for Vanilla in the end, especially in aftertaste.
Winner: draw

Match #3: Red Fusion vs Pepsi Blue
The color was an excellent deep purple with just a hint of grey, but overall leaning toward the Blue. And the color didn't lie. Red Fusion's lack of publicity left us wondering just what was going on there in terms of flavor, resulting in a rout.
Winner: Pepsi Blue

Match #4: Code Red vs Vanilla Coke
Nice maroon color, very warm and inviting. But once again, Vanilla started out strong and never looked back. Code Red's light fruitiness was no match for the Vanilla juggernaut.
Winner: Vanilla Coke

Match #5: Red Fusion vs Vanilla Coke
Deeper color than in Match #4, ended up a deep burgundy, much like the traditional Doc can (or Brandie's posts on the old Shagout). And again, the color would prove to be prophetic. Regular Doc has always had a vanilla presence, so here Coke ended up playing to one of Doc's strengths. As Snail put it, "It's like Dr. Pepper plays in a northern climate. 'The frozen tundra of Dr. Pepper Stadium!' Coke is throwing those long Vanilla bombs, but Dr. Pepper keeps intercepting them!" Doc's home-field advantage leads to an upset special.
Winner: Red Fusion

Match #6: Code Red vs Pepsi Blue
Here I was anticipating the best color, but CR is lighter than RF, so here the resulting purple was lighter and greyer, more like grape Kool-aid. A disappointment. As for flavor, Code Red was again too light and no match for the ever-dominant Blue. In this match, it was obvious to all why Mountain Dew has always been Pepsi's bitch.
Winner: Pepsi Blue

So in the round robin, Pepsi Blue came out ahead with a 2-0-1 record, thanks in large part to Red Fusion's upset win over Vanilla Coke. Those two wound up 1-1-1, with Code Red bringing up the rear at 0-2-1.

But we weren't finished yet! It was now time for the big finale, a 4-way slugfest.

LLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!

In the color battle, Blue was ganged up on by the other three. It took all three of the others to cancel out Blue's blue. A similar thing happened in the flavor department, as Blue and the two Reds had to team up to subdue Coke's 800-pound Vanilla gorilla. Eventually, however, we were left with a shocking and stunning result:

Winners: Red Fusion and Code Red

The two world cola superpowers, Pepsi and Coke, were so intent on beating the crap out of each other that they failed to notice, over in the corner, the two underrated, upstart Reds teaming up in an obvious communist plot to topple the two capitalist heavyweights. The Red Menace emerged victorious! The streets ran blue and caramel-color with the blood of the non-believers!

Makes you think.

I see that several advertisers are choosing not to run ads September 11. Whatever. Let's go to the scoreboard...

Pepsi will not run ads September 11. Score a win for the terrorists.
Budweiser will not run ads September 11. Score another win for the terrorists.
Dell will not run ads September 11. Hey, that means 24 hours with no "Dell Dude". Score a win for EVERYBODY!

Hey Dell, why don't you stop running your ads altogether while you're at it?

And what's with this stupid phrase, "the first anniversary of September 11"? For as long as I can remember, there's been a September 11 every year. If I can find any old calendars lying around, I'll bet dollars to donuts none of them ever skipped from the 10th to the 12th. Now I don't want to go off on a rant here, but it seems to me if you idiots really wanted to pay tribute to the dead, you'd go on with business as usual. That's what I'll be doing that day. How weird will that be? Yours truly, the most anti-American person you're likely to run across, will be doing the most pro-American thing possible that day. Now that's fucking strange! But as anti-American as I am, I'm also anti-terrorist, so you won't see me allowing my daily routine to be disrupted by a bunch of plane-hijacking clayheads. But hey, you loser Yanks do whatever you want.

And why do I get the feeling that lots of workplaces will be scheduling "minutes of silence" on 9/11? If you've got any brains, you'll do like me and keep right on working through it. A minute of silence serves no practical purpose. It won't bring anyone back from the dead. Trust me, I know. I took time off work when my brother died, and when my mom died, and I left work as soon as I heard about Earnhardt. Didn't bring any of them back.

I am now, always have been, and always will be, my own country. So don't ever mistake me for an American or I'll be pissed. But I can tell you this, if I were an American, I'd do like Steve Dahl said: I'd go to Ground Zero on 9/11 and hold a groundbreaking ceremony to start construction on putting those towers back up exactly like they were. (Well, okay, not exactly. I think I'd improve the fireproofing this time around.) When pseudo-President Bush shows up there that morning, I'd hand him a shovel. "Here, you lazy fuck. If you're not gonna be in the office today, you might as well make yourself useful. Now start digging, you fucking retard!"

Recently I got some CDs to listen to at work when I run out of Steve Dahl. (BTW, click on Dahl Archives on the left, then Friday, and go about 4 hours 23 minutes in to hear the latest phone recording from the Bijou Theatre in Chicago. It's fabulous!) One of the CDs is an Uriah Heep anthology, and I didn't notice the title of Track #9 (Number 9...number 9...) until I actually heard it today: "July Morning".

Now those of you who are up on things know that Uriah Heep was one of THE favorite bands of my brother Louis, who died two years ago...on a JULY MORNING!

"Bom bom BOMMMMMMMMMM!!!"

Louie, you old son-of-a-bitch! You got me again! You left behind a post-mortem easter egg! Good one.

I hope when I die I leave behind lots of neat little easter eggs like that. Actually I think a lot of them are hidden out there somewhere already. And if you're lucky and you pay attention to all the clues, perhaps some of you will find a few of them.

OH NO, IT'S ANOTHER PLASTIC HATCHBACK!

Thursday's Steve Dahl Show features an excellent example of the "Acid Flashback" effect that we tried on the PriBax show with lackluster results.
So to hear it done the right way, click on Dahl Archives on the left, click on Thursday, and go about 2 hours, 26 minutes in.

Also today, we debut a new semi-regular feature here in The Pond...

"GREAT MYSTERIES OF ROCK AND ROLL"
Installment #1

We've all heard The Who singing "I can see for miles and miles..." but have you ever stopped to consider this:

1) The Who are British; and B) The British use the Metric system.

Therefore, shouldn't the lyrics be "I can see for kilometers and kilometers..."?

Think about it.

This has been Installment #1 of "Great Mysteries Of Rock And Roll". I'm Pablo Harvey...buenos dias!

Today, my take on the "50 Worst Shows". Strap yourselves in, here we go. (Or as Ed Silha would say, "SEATBELTS!")

Of course, the folks at TVG have their heads up their asses as usual. You'll recall they left THE greatest show in TV history, "ALF", off the "Best Shows" list.

And now, for the "Worst" list they leave out Gross-anne The Garbage Barge...well, at least they're consistent. Perhaps they couldn't decide which was worse, her crappy sitcom or her crappy talk show.

Anyhoo, allow me to fully dissect the list, one by one...

1. The Jerry Springer Show
This seems to me to encompass the entire trash talk genre. (Certainly they could have included several others if this had been a "100 Worst" list. Why only 50? Budget cuts?) So, if you're going to single out the worst show of the genre, this pick makes sense, though personally I would include Gross-And Large as part of this genre.

2. My Mother the Car
Alright, put the brakes on (and pardon the pun). This is a predictable choice, but still I must protest. This show belongs in the 'so bad it's good' category, sort of like "Rocky Horror" or "Killer Tomatoes" as movies go. Besides, as Shaggy points out, "Knight Rider" used the same premise and you don't see that listed.

3. XFL
No argument here. I'd rather watch the NFL, and that's saying something!

4. The Brady Bunch Hour
No argument here either, but why leave out the original "Brady Bunch"? While we're at it, where's all the other crap Sherwood Schwartz was responsible for? Where's "Gilligan's Island"? (For that matter, where's the cheap Gilligan ripoff, "Dusty's Trail"?)

5. Hogan's Heroes
Now this is the one that stirs most of the debate, and I can understand both sides of the argument. Shag makes a good point about wacky Germans, but first and foremost you have to admire the balls it took to even attempt the premise of a comedy about Nazis. Then again, this is not without precedent; the Nazis have made many notable and lasting contributions to the history of comedy: Mel Brooks' "The Producers", Spike Jones' "Der Fuehrer's Face", the British sitcom "Heil Honey I'm Home" (think Hitler and Eva Braun in place of Lucy and Desi), Jerry Lewis' "The Day The Clown Cried", Charlie Manson's forehead, and, of course, the Volkswagen Beetle. And compared to those, "HH" pales, mostly because, let's face it, it was rather poorly executed. Sorry. I call them as I see them.

6. Celebrity Boxing
It's really just a ripoff of "Celebrity Deathmatch", and a bad one at that, so no argument here.

7. AfterMASH
Frankly, I think the title alone doomed this show from the start.

8. Cop Rock
Just as Springer takes the fall for trash talk, we'll let this one represent all the crap from Steven Bochco, narrowly edging out "Doogie Howser". After he was rightfully criticized for the far-fetched premise of "Doogie", Bochco responded with a thoroughly uncalled for dismissal of "ALF" as "a hand-puppet from Mars". Then the asshole puts out "Cop Rock". Hard to get much stupider than that shithead Bochco.

9. You're in the Picture
Never heard of it.

10. Hee Haw Honeys
Why list this without also listing "Hee Haw"? Damn budget cuts again.

11. The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer
Never heard of it.

12. Hello, Larry
Once again, one show takes the fall for a whole genre. In this case, it's the incredible string of bad sitcoms McLean Stevenson headlined after leaving "M*A*S*H". But this was actually the best of that lot and lasted the longest. I can't even name any of the others.

13. Twenty-One
Which incarnation? They probably mean the original, but I'd go with the Maury Povich version.

14. Baby Bob
Agreed. Babies and animals talking via computer-assisted mouth movements give me the creeps. (And commercials that use that "Matrix"-type suspended-in-air special effects give me a nasty headache. And I'll bet they induce seizures in some cases.)

15. Manimal
Some would put this in the "so bad it's good" category. I don't.

16. The Chevy Chase Show
Agreed. Just the fact that he never donned any makeup to imitate Gerald Ford on SNL suggests he must really be a dick.

17. Casablanca
If it was what the title suggests, then I agree.

18. The Ugliest Girl in Town
Never heard of it. Unless they mean the aforementioned Garbage Barge.

19. The P.T.L. Club
Takes the fall for religious shows, so I agree, with a big BUT: If they're gonna list this show, they should also list "The Jim J. And Tammy Faye Show".

20. The Pruitts of Southampton
Never heard of it.

21. Baywatch
Agreed. Also agree with Shag on the spinoff. Much of the blame for this show popularity lies with those wacky Germans, too.

22. The Powers of Matthew Star
Only vaguely recall it. Must be taking the fall for shows like "Shazam" and "Misfits Of Science". Whatever.

23. Sammy and Company
Never heard of it.

24. One of the Boys
Never heard of the show. The Steve Dahl song of the same title is good.

25. Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?
And this one takes the fall for all the crappy reality game shows.

26. Life With Lucy
I actually remember this one. Thank you for your sympathy.

27. Turn-On
I think it was a "Laugh-In" ripoff. I also think it was cancelled DURING it's premiere. Whoa.

28. Supertrain
Takes the fall for all of Fred Silverman's mistakes.

29. Howard Stern
Never forget, all of Stern's success over the years should really have been Steve Dahl's.

30. Unhappily Ever After
Personally, I think the show it ripped off, "Married With Children", was even worse.

31. Homeboys in Outer Space
Takes the fall for the entire UPN network. Was really a ripoff of "Red Dwarf" if you think about it.

32. Co-ed Fever
Never heard of it.

33. Holmes and Yoyo
Never heard of it. But you should have seen the original idea, "Holmes and Yoko". Yikes.

34. Alexander the Great
Never heard of it.

35. Pink Lady... And Jeff
Oh my lack of god, the horror, the horror. For those of you too young to remember it, the typed word alone cannot describe the horror. Ask me about it sometime, IF YOU DARE!

36. The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo
Another fall-taker, sparing the likes of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and "Enos".

37. Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell
Hey! I liked this one. Then again, I did have a rather troubled childhood.

38. Hell Town
Never heard of it. Gee, you'd think someone would have told us they did a show about Jackson, Michigan.

39. Still the Beaver
Bad idea for a show. But a good band name.

40. Makin' It
This one can take the fall for the entire second half of the 70's.

41. The Tom Green Show
Now hold on just an udder-sucking minute! I liked this show. My mom, incredibly, liked this show! And I loved the movie...and screw you. It's a shame the show was done in by its own success. Much like "The Osbournes" will be.

42. The Flying Nun
Horrible. But not as bad as the failed spinoff, "The Groping Pope".

43. Woops!
Never heard of it.

44. She's the Sheriff
TV producers, please make a mental note: Suzanne Somers = crappy show.

45. A.K.A. Pablo
Ripoff of "Chico And The Man". The only thing worse than a show that rips off another show is one that takes 10+ years to do so.

46. Me and the Chimp
Why not "BJ And The Bear"? Oh, right, #36 covered that.

47. Rango
Never heard of it.

48. Bless This House
Never heard of it.

49. The Ropers
Heard of it. Unfortunately. Let this one take the fall for every worse spinoff of a bad show.

50. Barney & Friends
And one more fall-taker, this one for the likes of the "Teletubbies". At least the Teletubbies get big ratings from potheads. Which reminds me, why no "Scooby-Doo" on this list? Really, we should take up a collection so TVG can afford to redo this as a "100 Worst" list.

My mom would have been 66 today, so not much to say beyond that, although I did see that it's also Tom Green's birthday. Maybe that explains why she actually liked his show. But more on that in my post on the "50 Worst Shows" list, which will be here within the next day or two.

But for today, we pause, and remember...and perhaps, if you listen carefully, you'll hear a distant call from beyond...

"DOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!"

I'M CURRENTLY SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION...

Specifically, a tropical depression. Yes, it saddens me to report that The Artist Formerly Known As Hurricane Douglas has been downgraded and is weakening. Son of a dog shit sandwich! I had to wait 37+ years for my own hurricane, now I suppose I gotta hang around until I'm 74 for the next one. Perhaps by then I'll be retired and living in Florida. And maybe, just maybe, I could be killed by my own hurricane. "Hey Doug, see that hurricane out there?" one of you will say, "It's got your name all over it! You're screwed! Been nice knowing ya."

Makes you think, doesn't it? How many guys named Andrew, for example, were done in by Hurricane Andrew? Well, I guess everyone would remember how you died. And how many babies born in Florida since then have been named Andrew? Any at all? I would think some parent would be defiant enough to do that. After all, I think they retire the names of all the really big killer hurricanes, sort of like jersey numbers. So all those new little Andys should be safe from that scenario.

Which brings me to the irrational fear that Degauss has about Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. He was in an accident there once, and is afraid it would happen again. But 'Gaussie, dude, think of the odds against you being in a second accident on LSD (the road, not the drug). If you were to be in another accident the next time you go to Chicago, odds are it will be on a different street. LSD will be the safest place for you! It's like the scene in "World According To Garp" where Garp and his wife are looking at a house to buy, and a plane crashes into the side of the house. So Garp says "We'll take it," for the perfectly logical reason that the odds of another plane hitting the house are astronomical. "It's been pre-disastered! We'll be safe here." Makes sense to me.

ROCK YOU LIKE A...ME?

I've got good news and bad news. The good news: It's official...I FINALLY HAVE A HURRICANE NAMED AFTER ME! The bad news: It isn't expected to make any landfall. Dammit! Even when I get what I want, I don't get what I want. I wanted a hurricane I could root for as it destroyed homes and took lives. I wanted to be able to say about my 'cane, "It's black and demonic and it spreads darkness and death...cool!" But nooooo...

WE KNOW A REMOTE FARM IN LINCOLNSHIRE, WHERE MRS. BUCKLEY LIVES. EVERY JULY, PEAS GROW THERE...
by Ducksoup

First off, thank you Shaggy, you sneaky bastid. I've been looking for a suitable place to compile all my frequently-used links, and fortunately I was able to find where you added the link to Shagout and add more.

On last Friday's Dahl show, The Stever played the tape of the infamous Orson Welles commercial voiceover session, which was the basis for Pinky And The Brain, who later recreated the Welles voiceover session on the show. You can check it out using the handy-dandy link I've added on the left. Here's the time codes:

1:06:52 to 1:08:28, the original Orson Welles tape
1:18:16 to 1:20:48, the Pinky And The Brain version (preceded by an explanation by Steve)

Note: For those who have never heard it, toward the end of the Welles tape they had to bleep out the phrase "go down on you". In the P&B version they changed that part to "make cheese for you". Perhaps "make cheese for you" could become a new slang term for oral sex.

PS: My take on the "50 Worst Shows" list is still in the works, so stay tuned.

CROSS-PROMOTION
by Shaggy

See how that works? I link you, you link me. Yase.

REVELATION
by Ducksoup

I was listening to some of my brother's CDs at work while Steve Dahl is on vacation, including some Billy Joel. I just noticed an interesting bit in "We Didn't Start The Fire". Check it out...

"...payola, Kennedy, Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo..." Stop! Let's go to the replay official!

Notice which two references are back-to-back? "...Chubby Checker, Psycho..." Also note that the scary Psycho chords are playing under both of those references?

Which leads me to think that perhaps the actual lyric is "Chubby Checker's psycho!"

THAT'S FINE AND ALL, BUT WHO THE HECK SHOT J.R.?
by Ducksoup

And the process of getting everyone caught up and up to speed continues...

Due to my computer probs, the 2001 Song Of The Year tournament, which had extended a record-shattering 5 months into this year, ultimately had to be cancelled. But good news, a winner was declared. The 2001 PriBax Radio Network Song Of The Year award goes to...[opens envelope]

"Song For The Stupid Raver Shithead Who Lives Underneath Me And Always Plays His Shitty Music Really Loud And Makes My Floor Vibrate And At One Point He Left His Room But Left The Stereo On And It Skipped And I Had To Listen To It For Four Fucking Hours" by Taco The Wonder Dog!

Past winners:
2000--Stuck On Earth--ALF and Ben Liebrand
1999--PriBax Pie--Eggs Danny Thomas Style
1998--White Horse--Laid Back
1997--Drivin'--Henry Phillips
1996--1979--Smashing Pumpkins
1995--Bulbous Bouffant--The Vestibules
1994--Across The Universe--Laibach
1993--Jeremy--Pearl Jam
1992--Mississippi Queen--Sam Kinison
1991--X Y & Zee--Pop Will Eat Itself
1990--Def Con One--Pop Will Eat Itself
1989--Surfing With The Alien--Joe Satriani
1988--Mean Green Mother From Outer Space--Levi Stubbs
1987--You're The One Who's Out Of This World--ALF
1986--I'm So Worried--Monty Python
1985--Marvin I Love You--Marvin The Paranoid Android
1984--Lookin' Out Steve's Asshole--Eggs Danny Thomas Style
1983--Fish Heads--Barnes And Barnes
1982--Countdown--Rush
1981--Run Like Hell--Pink Floyd

Wasn't that educational? Anyhoo congrats to Taco The Wonder Dog, who also won Geak Rookie Of The Year as well as Best Video Of The Year for "Got A Bag Of Doritos".

In other delayed news, due to Lugnuts actually winning one of the many fantasy sports competitions we regularly go head-to-head in, I am currently sporting my Curly Howard look. Those who have yet to see me looking like this (Shaggy) better hurry, because it's growing back fast! (At least what little of it still grows.)

So, David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar are touring together. Um, okay. You know, this might make a good follow-up to The Osbournes. [Lugnuts, cue the Odd Couple theme, please]

"Some time earlier, the Red Rocker's band had thrown him out, asking that he never return. Confused, he went on tour with Diamond Dave, who, coincidentally, had also been thrown out of the same band...twice, no less. Can two washed-up rock singers tour together without driving each other crazy?"

Sammy: "That's not spaghetti, Dave, those are my guitar strings!" Dave: [throws strings at the wall] "Now it's garbage!"

This week's special guest: Former Beach Boy Brian Wilson, who stops by the buffet table backstage and, right after picking his nose, take a single bite out of each of the chicken wings so he can return later to finish them. Plus a special cameo appearance by Gary Cherone as one of the janitors.

ANY CALLS WHILE I WAS OUT? GUESS NOT.
by Ducksoup

Well I'm back to give the old Blog Pond another spin. Had to completely burn down the computer and start over with a clean hard drive. My virus protection is much improved so I don't expect further probs.

I'm sure you're all wondering what I'm up to, but right now I'm more interested in what the rest of you are doing, so let's do a quick roll call...

Max: now officially a bus driver, and also became a dad June 3rd. We welcome his daughter Cheyenne to the universe and hope she has better luck dealing with it.

Peace: Presumably recovered from the same nasty virus that crippled my online status. I'd phone him to ask how he is, but I don't think I can get the necessary bank loan.

Degauss: New crib, new job, new girlfriend, and possibly a new hope for PriBax Radio. Here's hoping we get a chance to return to the old "Apartment".

Lugnuts: Still maintaining the Baxley Entertainment Report, soon to be more accurately renamed The Ashleigh Banfield Hate Page if current trends continue.

Shaggy: Failed to make a scheduled frisbee golf appearance and has not been seen or heard from since. If anyone knows his whereabouts please call the missing persons hotline. (I'm also submitting a photo to local milk companies.)

RE: TURTLE HUNTING
by Ducksoup

"So happy together..." (Get it?)

As for the discovery of Miss Levy's mortal remains, I think Spike Manton (of the Steve Dahl Show) said it best:

"Killed by a weasel, eaten by squirrels."

LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING MOSQUITO REPELLENT
by Ducksoup

Recently my bro Snail and I had a disagreement about a song lyric.

As many of you probably know, such impasses can lead to anger, resentment and, in extreme cases, nuclear exchange. (Such was the case in 1945 when President Truman vehemently disagreed with Emperor Hirohito over "Three Little Fishies In A Itty Bitty Poo". Hirohito correctly insisted 'poo' actually meant 'pool', while Truman maintained it was a scatological reference.)

The lyric in question was from Allan Sherman's version of "Mexican Hat Dance". The correct lyric, which I have known for years because I have it on vinyl, is "They just throw their fedoras wherever the floor is and start doing horas and taps." Snail stubbornly argued that the last part of the line was "chorus and taps".

Extensive research, including an email correspondence with THE authority on novelty music, Dr. Demento, confirmed what I knew all along. But actually it only takes a few moments of logical reasoning to see that I am right.

For starters, the hora is a dance popular in Jewish culture, and one of Sherman's comedic signatures was making Yiddish references in his songs. Second, 'horas', like 'taps', is plural, as opposed to 'chorus'. For that idea to fit, it would have to be 'choruses' or even 'chori', and neither of those even come close to rhyming.

Which brings us to the clincher, which is that even the singular 'chorus' still does not rhyme. Case in point: 'fedoras' ends with a 'z' sound; 'floor is' ends with a 'z' sound; and, of course, 'horas' ends with, you guessed it, a 'z' sound. 'Chorus', on the other hand, ends with an 's' sound, and therefore is not an exact rhyme.

Now, I realize that in this day and age, this seems like nitpicking. But back in Sherman's day, precise rhyming of lyrics was of the greatest importance to the songwriter, as demonstrated by Sherman himself in his song "Hungarian Goulash", which contains one of the greatest rhymes in history: "Borscht is what they're eating in the Soviet/Wait I think we've got some on the stove yet."

Granted, this was the early-to-mid sixties, back before the English language, for all practical purposes, simply ran out of words. In fact, the very last plausible English language rhyme was discovered in 1994, when a little known Indonesian ska band, Sticky Tape, successfully rhymed 'orange' with 'door hinge'.

By the way, at this point I should give props to Elvis Costello who, according to a review of his latest album, may be the first and last songwriter in the 21st century to use the word 'elocution' (and no, that's not what happens to you when you stick your finger in a light socket) in a song lyric.

Of course, nowadays exact rhyming has gone the way of the Edsel, and if, say, Puddle Of Mudd or Destiny's Child were to cover Sherman's version of "Mexican Hat Dance", 'chorus' would pass for a rhyme in the ears of the average listener. But I know better. I fear that in another 10 years or so, the concept of rhyming lyrics, even rhymes deemed 'close enough for jazz', will be completely lost.

We simply cannot sit idly by and watch this happen, my friends. I cannot and will not accept a song lyric which attempts to rhyme, for example, 'toast' with 'zebra', simply because they both have an 'a' in them.

This, of course, is why, a couple of years ago, I had to abandon my own attempt to write a song about toasted zebras.

ANOTHER MAY, ANOTHER INFECTION
by Ducksoup

Strange it is that last May, I was sent to the sidelines with an inner ear infection, which left my head spinning up and down and sideways for a few weeks.

This May, it was my computer's turn. A strain of the dreaded Nimda virus befell my already iffy box. Luckily Dr. Snail and McAfee were on the case and, to paraphrase the weird old lady from "Poltergeist", "This box is cleeeeean." Still iffy, but at least clean.

Other than Peace, who may have infected me via email without knowing it, and Snail and Degauss, who networked with me the other night for some Nascar 4-play, I believe Lugnuts and Shaggy should both be in the clear. I think I emailed you two Friday, and I wasn't infected until Saturday. The virus may also have come from a page Peace indirectly directed me to about "Earth's second moon", so if you must know any details about that topic, I would recommend either NASA, Astronomy Magazine, or Sky & Telescope's web sites (addresses listed below). The sites I hit were obviously not as well-maintained and one of them was probably compromised.

Remember, if you find any .eml files in your brain, or your computer keeps falling over on its side and vomiting, one of you may have either the Nimda virus or an inner ear infection. And that's...

One To Grow On!

To search for details about "Earth's second moon", if any are available, try:
www.nasa.gov
www.astronomy.com
www.skypub.com

One of these should be able to help you...

Read More About It!

Coming up next: Schoolhouse Rock!

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW...
by Ducksoup

From what I can deduce, there is a massive conspiracy...wait, let's not call it that, sounds too paranoid...there is a massive practical joke being played on AT&T by whatever market research company they have been employing.

They are apparently being fed inaccurate information that leads them to believe the viewing public can't get enough of commercials featuring annoying spokespeople. This has led them to employ a long list of annoying spokespeople, the latest being Carrot Top.

The question is, are the execs at AT&T so utterly stupid as to believe such misleading information from their market research firm of choice?

The answer, judging by the fiasco that was AT&T @Home, would seem to be a resounding yes.

YEAH, WHATEVER.
by Ducksoup

So go ahead and let out a cheer on my behalf and get it over with already: I now have...cable internet.

Okay, stop with the trumpets and shit. My bro had to have it, and going half-and-half, it's less than twice the cost of dialup, so I've finally caved in to your peer pressure. Of course, now the rest of you guys are either on dialup or not online at all.

Fellas, we've REALLY gotta work on our timing here.

"ANYONE? ANYONE? BUELLER? BUELLER? ANYONE?"
by Ducksoup

No one else posting yet? Bummer. Fine, I can hold down the fort for now.

So, I see in the paper the other day that Dan Quayle says Ozzy Osbourne is a good role model, in that he "sets a good example of how not to live your life."

Well, what a coinkydink, Danny Boy...(all together everybody)...SO DO YOU!!!

Excuse me, "Mr. Potatoe Head," but we're finished with you. Have been for years now. Go away. We've got bigger knuckleheads to deal with. Shit, George W. Bush makes you look like Stephen Hawking (minus the ability to carry a Zep tune). Go back to your representative representation of a representative democracy representing the people whose government governs the people who need people are the luckiest people blah blah blah Murphy Brown is a skanky whore blah blah fuckin' blah. Shut the fuck up.

(PS: "Potatoe" in the above context was clearly intentional. Don't even bother.)

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, we're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside...

You are looking live at the latest incarnation of The Duck Pond. Think of this as Shagout Light. It may not have all the bells and whistles, but it's 1/3 less calories than the regular Shagout, and that's a good thing.

As for Ducksoup's Blog 1.0, we'll leave that as is, sort of a monument to simpler times when I had no idea what I was doing (as if I do now).

That's it for now, I need sleep. Until next time, for those who haven't yet been exposed to it, here's my piece on waffles that I didn't get a chance to post in the previous Pond before Shagout got zonked:

WAFFLE FENCING?

"The Fed is gonna be lowering rates, so get your money out of T-bills and put it all into [THWACK] waffles! Tasty waffles! With lots of syrup!" --Quote from Family Guy

Why are waffles female?

You know how an extension cord, for example, has a male end and a female end? (Yes, Willie, that's right, just like a flatworm, yes, yes, now shut up.) Okay, so it occured to me that waffles are female, in that the squares go inward. As opposed to a waffle iron, where the squares point outward.

Well, what the fuck, I just answered my own question: Waffles are female because waffle irons are male. Duh! Alrighty then, so why doesn't somebody make a female waffle iron, thus creating male waffles?

Here's another idea: How about making waffles and waffle irons hermaphroditic, with one side male and one side female? Just like extension cords. Just like flatworms. Just like...

Lego bricks! Yeah, then you could build stuff with them! Think of the fun kids will have playing with their food. Think of the promotional tie-in between Lego and Eggo!

Heck, you could even build yourself a whole house out of waffles. It'd work better than a house of pancakes. How the hell can you build a house of pancakes? They're flat. There's no interlocking. One good windstorm and you're screwed. A house of waffles, now there's a sturdy sumbitch!

Then you could do like Lego-Land and build yourself a whole town.

You could call it...WAFFLE-OPOLIS!

Wait, wasn't that a member of Clinton's staff?

No, that was Stephanopoulos.

I though that was a character on Sesame Street.

No, that's Snuffleupagus.

I thought that was another name for your windpipe.

No, that's esophagus.

I thought that was the name of those islands where Darwin hung out.

No, that's Galapagos.

I have to go lie down now, my head is spinning.

***

POSTSCRIPT: May 23, 2007--Once again, I have proven to be ahead of my time: About a year or so ago, Lego-shaped Eggo waffles hit the test market. I got zilch in royalties. Just as well, as they don't seem to have worked out too well, according to the following review from taquitos.net:

"05.21.2006
This new variety of Eggo Waffles looked like fun, promising a Lego-like shape that lets its eaters 'Toast Break & Build!' So I bought a box.

Each square sheet consisted of six 2x4-grid detachable bricks. So the idea is that you toast your waffles, cut them up into Lego bricks, build something, and then (presumably) eat your Lego creation. I had a huge Lego collection when I was a kid and built all sorts of things with them, so the idea of edible Legos seemed appealing.

Unfortunately, it was a lot less fun than it sounded. This was a severely flawed concept. Problems included:

The perforations in the waffles (intended to help separate the bricks) caused the waffles to bend in my vertical toaster, so some parts were closer to the heating elements than others, resulting in uneven cooking.
Once toasted, it was hard to separate the individual bricks in each sheet. It really required a sharp knife and some very careful cutting, which is probably not something that the target audience should be encouraged to do. (If you just pulled them apart, they would barely resemble bricks once you were done, as they did not separate easily. And if you did that shortly after toasting, you would burn your fingers.)
There were eight circles jutting out of the top of each brick, and matching indentations on the bottom, sort of like real Legos, but they didn't even remotely snap together. They barely even stacked on top of each other with any kind of stablilty.
A standard serving is two waffles, or 12 bricks once you've broken them up. There's just not all that much you can build with that many bricks.
Eggo's quality control department allowed some of the sheets in this box to include incomplete bricks, as the batter did not fill the entire waffle iron and also spilled out off the edge. The irregular look might add charm to your standard Eggo waffles, but in this case, it reduced the number of usable bricks and made actual Lego contruction even more difficult.
Even if you manage to get a good sheet of waffles, cook them evenly, and cut them perfectly, they look a heck of a lot less like Legos than the picture on the box. And you really can't do much with them other than eat them."

Also, at the time I wrote this I had not yet heard of Waffle House. I don't think they were in this area yet. I have been there since, and turns out they are not built with actual waffles, which, upon reading the above review, is not at all surprising.