KARAOKE RECAP: THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30, MUTZ, 5 SONGS

NEW--Heart-Shaped Box--Nirvana--I'd been putting it off for a couple weeks.
NEW--Cruisin'--Huey Lewis & Gwyneth Paltrow--A duet: Tina & Czarnina! Stole it from Doug. Nailed, like, 95% of it.
1979--Smashing Pumpkins--Decided to do 'year' songs for New Year's.
1985--Bowling For Soup--Ouch. Now I remember why I shelved this a month ago.
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--Really nailing it now. And good crowd response.

PS: The two new songs brought my grand total to 250! Round numbers, you gotta love 'em.

KARAOKE RECAP: WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29, CENTER COURT, 2 SONGS

Suck On My Cock--John Valby--It's SOOOOO last week, but 'twas a request, by a woman who thought it was too good for me to have written it. Uh huh.
NEW--Vincent--Don McLean--Heard it in the grocery store that morning, had it stuck in my head all fucking day. Only one way to get it out. I was not happy with it. The timing is very tricky.

KARAOKE RECAPS:

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 22, CENTER COURT, 3 SONGS

Marijuanaville--David Allan Coe--Going for the funny tonight.
Are You Lonesome Tonight--Sam Kinison--Very well-received.
Suck On My Cock--John Valby--And of course they dig this too.

THURSDAY, DEC. 23, MUTZ, 3 SONGS

Mexican Radio--Wall Of Voodoo
Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--I was right. 2nd time...nailed it.
Not For You--Pearl Jam

FASCIST PIG OF THE YEAR

Congrats to George W. Bush on being named Time Magazine's "Person Of The Year". WTG, Dubya, you are now in appropriate company. Namely, Hitler and the Ayatollah. Both role models of yours, no doubt.

KARAOKE RECAP: MONDAY, DEC. 20, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 4 SONGS

NEW--Fake Plastic Trees--Radiohead--Was compelled to try it. Dunno why. Coulda gone an octave lower, but I just get tired of myself and my EVV sometimes. So I took a chance and went high where the real vocal is. Voice cracked once or twice where it shouldn't, but otherwise I did good. I think next shot at this I'll nail it.
My Way--Frank Sinatra--Duet with Sir Bob ("My liege!"). Gave him the low verses while me and my EVV took the high bridges. He didn't think he could do it, but he did damn good. Face it, Sinatra's singing skills are overrated.
Here Comes The Sun--The Beatles--To mark the winter solstice. Last week I woulda had to change it to "There Goes The Sun".
Dixie Rose Deluxe's...--Trent Willmon--It was this or "Tuesday's Gone". This was shorter and I had to leave for work. Can still nail it without looking at the words.

KARAOKE RECAP: SATURDAY, DEC. 18, MUTZ, 6 SONGS

NEW--AM Radio--Everclear
Love Shack--The B-52's--Duet with Sam. He did the female vocals. Would you believe this was his idea, not mine? Of course, my Fred Schneider voice is much better. As for Sam, he couldn't quite settle on a voice. Kept switching between Joe Cocker, Prince and Lisa Loeb.
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic
NEW--Old Apartment--Barenaked Ladies
Suck On My Cock--John Valby--Very well-received. So naturally I was told I can't sing it anymore.
Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear--Bob Rivers--Duet with Sam. Not bad when you consider Sam was drunk off his ass.

KARAOKE RECAPS (DEC 8-15)

Note: Got to catch up on recaps. So here's the current backlog. From now on, I'll try my best to post each appearance individually.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8, CENTER COURT, 4 SONGS

And the addiction begins to take a stranglehold on me. Added Wednesday to the sked. Only had time for 1 song last week ("Marijuanaville" [see footnote], forgot to add it to last week's recap. Short-term memory failure!), but this week I got there earlier.

NEW--Slither--Velvet Revolver--Doug paid $20 to get this for me, and says I damn well better sing it. So this was a chance to practice it.
If I Had $1,000,000--Barenaked Ladies--Someone else did this so I offered to do the 2nd vocal part.
Outside--Aaron Lewis & Fred Durst--Turned out to be some fucked up shortened version, so I'm not even counting it.
Fuck It--Eamon--Not really in my range, by the end I had to do a Frankie Valli voice to stay in key. ("Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now...Sheeeeerrrrrry baaaaabyyyyy!") Odd.
NEW--Drinkin' Bone--Tracy Byrd--Been planning on stealing this from Doug for weeks. Chance to practice. Piece o' cake. Muwahahahaaa!

[Footnote: Due to my strong personal beliefs, I wish to stress that my performance of the song "Marijuanaville" in no way endorses the activities described therein.]

Note: I passed on Jalapeno's Friday. Too tired, and too far to get home. Besides, Friday night is ALF's Hit Talk Show night!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11, MUTZ, 4 SONGS
Drinkin' Bone--Tracy Byrd--Time to piss Doug off and officially steal it. Someone told me later that I did it better. Muwahahahaaa!
Slither--Velvet Revolver--Time to appease Doug by giving him his 20 bucks worth.
Float On--Modest Mouse--Dancin' Sarah returned this week, she usually sings this, but never heard me do it.
NEW--The Distance--Cake--Finally got around to this one. Was inspired by the Earnhardt movie playing on the telly.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 13, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS

Insensitive--Jann Arden--Decided to play nice.
NEW--Cumbersome--Seven Mary Three--Heard it at CC, thot I'd try it. Not bad.

WEDNESDAY, DEMCMBER 15, CENTER COURT, 3 SONGS
Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand--Making this one my own.
Float On--Modest Mouse--I really like the parts where I'm actually supposed to let my voice crack. Takes SO much pressure off.
Suck On My Cock--John Valby--Had to practice it for Saturday. Or just in case they don't let me do it Saturday. At least I can do it at CC, the crowd there loved it.

Note: Passed on Jalapeno's again. See previous note.

I COULD BE ALL CHEERFUL, BUT I'D STILL HAVE TO BUM RIDES OFF PEOPLE

Normally I try to keep the Pond an Xmas-free zone, but if I were ever to sing a holiday song at karaoke, it'd be this one. Sadly, Premiere Karaoke doesn't have the original (yet). It's a parody of "God" by John Lennon, called "Santa". The other day Steve Dahl played it as recorded by Jay Goeppner, formerly of the Beatle Brothers. To hear it go to dahl.com, then "recent shows", then select Monday (Dec. 13) and go about 1:33:33 into the show. Or you can be a lazy ass and just read the lyrics below. I recommend listening to it, because Goeppner does the best John Lennon imitation since...well, since Julian Lennon.

"Santa"
Santa's a concept
By which we commercialize
The holiday
I'll say it again
Santa's a concept
By which we commercialize
The holiday
I don't believe in Rudolph
I don't believe in Frosty
I don't believe in sleigh rides
I don't believe in Tiny Tim
I don't believe in Nutcracker
I don't believe in 34th Street
I don't believe in decking the halls
I don't believe in elves
I don't believe in mistletoe
I don't believe in Jingle Bells
I don't believe in eggnog
I don't believe in Jack Frost
I don't believe in George Bailey
I don't believe in Tannenbaums
I don't believe in Christmas songs
I just believe in peace
Peace throughout the year
Holiday cheer
The holiday is over
What can I say?
The holiday is over
Like any other day
I was excited once
But now I am not
I was all cheerful
But now I'm shot
And so dear friends
We've got 12 more months left to shop
The holiday is over

BUZZ KILMAN'S TOP TEN BEST BAND NAMES OF 2004

At the time of this writing, this list was not posted on Buzz's page, so here ya go!

10. Bunny Brains
9. Two-Cow Garage
8. Quarter-Barrel Cheryl
7. Attila The Stockbroker
6. Flabby Hoffman
5. Toast Face
4. The Well-Hungarians
3. The Flying Hamsters Of Doom
2. Think Floyd

And Buzz Kilman's choice for best band name of 2004...

1. Bad Haggis

~~~~~~~~~~

PS: The Weekly Karaoke Recap is being retooled. Since I now karaoke up to 4 times a week (yes, I freely admit, my addiction has consumed me), my karaoke recaps will now be split up into individual days, and will be posted (en masse if need be) whenever I get around to it.

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP

FRIDAY, JALAPENO'S, 2 SONGS

Insensitive--Jann Arden--Fittingly sad, of course. "I fell too fast, I feel too much..." No shit, Sure-lick.
Runaway Train--Soul Asylum--Another sad song, but this one I had to do simply because Steve Dahl played it a few days before, and when I get a song stuck in my head like that there's only one thing to do. (Before it vanishes, I highly recommend listening to last Wednesday's Dahl show, about 3 hours 20 minutes in. Steve does an acoustic version of the song with Dave Pirner of Soul Asylum. Very funny and very good.)

SATURDAY, MUTZ, 4 SONGS

Took my new lady friend to karaoke for a second time. The first time I strayed from my A material, thus she wasn't overly impressed, so this time I wanted to bring out at least one or two of my big guns.

Walkin' Round In Women's Underwear--Bob Rivers--A December must-sing.
Outside--Staind--Went back to the original for the first time in a long time. I wanted to belt it out. I think lady friend was impressed.
What's New Pussycat--Tom Jones--One for lady friend. Hope I didn't embarrass you, dear.
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--She left early, so I was free to work the ladies in the crowd. (I know, I'm a scumbag.) Toward the end some guy nearby was not quite heckling but just being kinda loud and obnoxious, so he became the last line target. Also I added to my primal scream on the last note by collapsing onto the floor. Hey, it was a long and eventful night.

MONDAY, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS

Runaway Train--Soul Asylum--This was still stuck in my head so I kicked things off with it.
Walkin' Round In Women's Underwear--Bob Rivers--Tis the season. Whatever.

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (NOVEMBER 27-29)

Very truncated week. I would have gone to Mutz Thursday but they were closed. Friday I was too tired to have to bike home from Jalapeno's, so I stayed home, watched my CBC shows, then ALF's Hit Talk Show, then passed out to rest up for Saturday.

SATURDAY, MUTZ, 2 SONGS
Ran the show. 45 singers. Once I got past an initial technical problem, things ran smoothly.

Outside (live acoustic version)--Aaron Lewis & Fred Durst--Was a little rattled from the tech snafu, and it showed. Kinda shaky.
Hunger Strike--Temple Of The Dog--Talked comrade Jason into doing the Chris Cornell part. Started a bit iffy but finished strong.

MONDAY, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS
Bizarro week: Got more songs in Monday than Saturday.

Hurt--Johnny Cash--A slow one to start. It was in my head as I walked there.
Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear--Bob Rivers--Tis the season. After this past Halloween, this song takes on a whole new meaning for me! Usually a duet with Doug but he made me go solo this time.
Amber--311--Came up on the in-between rotation, you know how it is. I'm still not happy with it but it's still better than my other 311 attempts.

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (NOV 26-DEC 2)

Ten Inch Willy--tonight & Saturday at Lucky Louie's
Froghead--tonight & Saturday at M.T. Loonies
Commander Cody And His Lost Planet Airmen (of "Hot Rod Lincoln" fame)--Sunday at Magic Bag
A Modest Proposal--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Fate Of Apollo--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Fifth Floor--tonight at Sports Zone
Hot Karl--tonight at Sports Zone
Static Rituals--Saturday at Underground
Clean Car--Saturday at Underground

TURKEY DAY

Hey all you turkeys, it's Thanksgiving Day (Oh shit, why did I have to type that? "Thanksgiving Day." Brings back traumatic memories of that TV movie with Mary Tyler Moore and Jonathon Brandmeier. Shudder.), and here's how I play it...

Thanks to everyone reading this for reading this, especially those who do so on a regular basis. And especially to my friends who read this, thanks for being a part of my life!

Everybody enjoy your feast today (even if it includes low-carb stuffing), and here's to loading ourselves up on enough L-triptophan to knock us all on our sorry Thanksgiving asses!

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (NOV 19-22)

Ouch. Short week. Only 11 songs total. I used to could do almost twice that at Mugzie's. :(

FRIDAY, JALAPENO'S, 4 SONGS

Away From The Sun--3 Doors Down, Daughter--Pearl Jam, Just A Gigolo--David Lee Roth, Mother--Pink Floyd
Yes, I know. I didn't notice it until I got home: I did "Mother" and "Daughter". Weird. Anyway, twas a bit of an off night for me. Missy came along, she wanted me to do "Mr. Roboto" but she was set on leaving around 12 so I never got to it, nor did I get to try working the room with "You Don't Love Me Anymore". Worst part was seeing that they built a DJ cage which cut the size of the stage in freakin' half! Plus you can't see the singer from where we sat! SUCKS!

SATURDAY, MUTZ, 5 SONGS

Turn The Page--Bob Seger, NEW--Insensitive--Jann Arden, Oh Pretty Woman--Roy Orbison, You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic, You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'--The Righteous Brothers
Jann Arden was on "Rick Mercer's Monday Report" last week, and looking way hot. (She's kinda got "The Build"...yummmmmy) Looked her up on Bearshare Saturday morning, found "Insensitive" and started practicing it. Had to use the EVV but not bad. Other than that, obviously I stuck to my aces. Seger I'm nailing, Orbison I'm nailing, and of course worked the crowd very well with the Weird Al. Last line target this week: Lester. (PS: Forgot I did the Righteous Bros as a duet with Fat Bastard.)

MONDAY, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS

One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic, Outside (acoustic version)--Aaron Lewis & Fred Durst
Stuck to the aces again in case I was being scouted. A good night, nailed 'em both perhaps the best I've ever nailed 'em. Now, if I had had enough time, I would have done either "Oh Pretty Woman" or "One Thing" third, which would have made it three "O" songs on the night for a tic-tac-toe. Alas it was not to be. (Mind you, normally I like to be X, but there's only 2 "X" songs in the book.)

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (NOVEMBER 12-15)

FRIDAY, MUGZIE'S, 11 SONGS

Babylon--David Gray--They like me to start out with a slow song...
Daysleeper--R.E.M.--...I couldn't decide between 3 slow songs...
NEW--No One Is To Blame--Howard Jones--...so I did all 3. My high mid-range worked well throughout.
NEW--Mexican Radio--Wall Of Voodoo--Steve Dahl did his show from Mexico this week, so I've had this song in my head all week even though they didn't play it, which I still can't believe.
1985--Bowling For Soup--Ahh, that delightful light-headed feeling. But actually, I'm starting to kinda suck at this one. I might have to shelve it.
Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand--This one, however, I am absolutely nailing.
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--Micki requested it. Again. Well received.
NEW--Bad To The Bone--George Thorogood--Nailed it. Sent it out to my gal Christine.
She Drives Like Crazy--Weird Al Yankovic--Every time Doug does the original, I have to follow it with this. I didn't even want to. It's so Pavlovian.
Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, BBQ, Barber Shop, Laundromat--Trent Willmon--Seems so easy to sing now. Then again, it IS country.
NEW--Don't Change--INXS--Had a good voice this night, so I went for another high mid-range. Not bad at all.

Unfortunately, on a night when my voice was in top form, since it was only Doug and me singing for two hours (again), and despite my begging them to continue, they decided to pack it in early. D'OH! Also it looks like this was the swan song for karaoke at Mugzie's. R.I.P. (But at least this will free up my Friday nights so I can watch ALF's Hit Talk Show.)

SATURDAY, MUTZ, 5 SONGS

It's No Good--Arthur Kill/Depeche Mode--My AK/DM hybrid version.
I Believe In A Thing Called Love--The Darkness--Made it work as a duet with another singer.
My Way--Frank Sinatra--Believe me, I wanted to try this in a Sinatra/Matt Dusk voice, but my EVV (Eddie Vedder voice) took over again. It can't be stopped!
Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand--I kick ass on this song.
Don't Know What You Got--Cinderella--The EVV worked very well on it.

MONDAY, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 3 SONGS
Something About You--Level 42--Heard it on the radio, had to try it. Needs work but not bad.
It's Been Awhile--Staind--Working very well except I gotta get used to the necessary breathing pattern.
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--Whereas Mugzie's is too big a room and Mutz is just right, the SL room is too small. Had to linger just a bit longer on each victim. Instead of singing the last line to Doug, this time I targeted Sir Bob (aka "My liege!"). Poor guy.

Notes: With Mugzie's falling by the wayside, I'll have to wait and see if they find another Friday gig for me to run. In the meantime, they have tapped me to run the Mutz show November 27!

THE IDEA POSTED HERE BELONGS TO ME. NO STEALING IT! YOU HEAR ME?

I have a dream. Someday I hope to start a chain of restaurants to directly compete with Hooters. Instead of featuring waitresses with big breasts, mine will feature waitresses with big beautiful bubble butts. And it shall be called...Mud Flaps!

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (NOVEMBER 5-8)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5, MUGZIE'S, 16 SONGS
NEW--North Of The Border--Eggs Danny Thomas Style--Written after the Election Day travesty. The premise being that if I had the necessary resources, I'd move to Canada faster than you can say Saskatchewan, but for now I can dream. But as I began to explain the premise of the song, Micki shut my mic off, so I was not able to give it the proper set-up. Plus it was in a bad key. Anyhoo, the lyrics are at the bottom of this post.
NEW--Imagine--John Lennon--I figured if I can't say it, I'll sing it. My mic was left on this time. Did good.
Behind Blue Eyes--The Who--Took forever to get a drink, ended up singing this with a dry throat. Not good.
Float On--Modest Mouse--Decided to stick to my A material, in case any bands were scouting me incognito.
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--Requested by one of the barmaids.
Hurt--Johnny Cash--Starting to seem too low!
It's Been Awhile--Staind--Getting really good at this one, nice compliment to "Outside".
NEW--My Way--Frank Sinatra--Requested by another of the barmaids. Decided to throw caution to the wind. Ended up sounding like Rat Pack meets Grunge. You know me, when in doubt, fall back on the Eddie Vedder voice! So if Pearl Jam did this song, I think it would sound damn good. I got mucho props.
Margaritaville--Jimmy Buffett--Yeah, I know, someday I'll learn more Buffett.
NEW--The Closer I Get To You--Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway--Duet with Tina. She asked me to learn it a couple of weeks ago. I didn't really, but there's room to improvise a bit, so it went well.
Oh Pretty Woman--Roy Orbison--Really nailing this one lately.
Outside--Aaron Lewis & Fred Durst--Had to whip out my ace.
NEW--Lady--Styx--Actually Tina did this one, but I threw in some low harmony. Not bad.
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--Fun to work the ladies in the crowd, but Mugzie's is too big a room. Almost have to run across the room at times.
NEW--Don't Go Breaking My Heart--Elton John & Kiki Dee--Duet with Tina. Higher than my other Elton stuff, so not as good as I'd like.
Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand--I'm nailing it.
NEW--Fall To Pieces--Velvet Revolver--Tina's friend sang it, but again I tossed in some low harmony. Will need to bump it down a key or three if I try it myself.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 6, MUTZ, 6 SONGS
NEW--Time In A Bottle--Jim Croce--Nailed it, but it's a hell of a lot shorter song than I remember.
1985--Bowling For Soup--Tough to breathe through it, but I'm getting better. (Actually I get kinda light-headed by the end, which sometimes is quite enjoyable.)
Turn The Page--Bob Seger--Nailed it. (Friday night while D&M were packing up, this came on the jukebox. Tina and her friend and I sang along in sort-of three-part harmony, I guess as an encore.)
Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand--Not only am I nailing it, I really enjoy it and really get into it.
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--Finally I got around to working the Mutz crowd with this one. Smaller room, works much better. Gotta do it more often.
Broken--Seether (with Amy Lee)--Duet with Bev. She was rather drunk, but even when she's bad, she's good. Raves all around. (Score: Bev 3, certain person 1.)

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS
North Of The Border--Eggs Danny Thomas Style--Got to explain the premise this time. Much more well-received with the proper set-up. Also tried a different key which worked better. Still tough to stay in sync with the music though.
Brown Eyed Girl--Van Morrison--Wanted to brush up on it, just in case.

"North Of The Border" by Eggs Danny Thomas Style
Parody of "Over The Rainbow", music/lyrics by Arlen and Harburg
Parody lyrics by D. Pribe and W. Rose

Somewhere north of the border, I can see
There's a land that I learned of thanks to the CBC
Somewhere north of the border, beer is blue
And the dreams that I dare to dream maybe will come true
I'll wish upon a maple leaf and all these redneck Yanks I'll leave behind me
Where snowflakes fall like hockey pucks and people know that Dubya sucks
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere north of the border, geese do fly
Geese fly north of the border, why then oh why can't I?
If happy Canada geese fly north of the border
Why oh why can't I?

--Copyright 2004 by Ducksoup

DUCKSOUP'S TOP 50 SONGS OF THE MONTH (OCTOBER 2004)

1. Everybody's Changing--Keane
2. Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand
3. Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam
4. She's So High--Tal Bachman
5. Creep--Richard Cheese
6. SupaDubya--4o. del Tren
7. Chicken Out--Gomez
8. Move On--Jet
9. Float On--Modest Mouse
10. Staring At The Sun--Simple Kid
11. Nothing Is Wrong--Gomez
12. Sweet Transvestite--Tim Curry
13. 1985--Bowling For Soup
14. Drugs--Simple Kid
15. Where Ya Going--Gomez
16. Quinn The Quarterback--Steve Dahl
17. Breakups Breakdowns--Simple Kid
18. It's Been Awhile--Staind
20. It's No Good--Depeche Mode
21. Silence--Gomez
23. On Top Of You--Trey Parker
24. All Things--Widelife
25. Mad World--Michael Andrews feat. Gary Jules
26. The Long Road--Pearl Jam (with Neil Young)
27. Fat Bottomed Girls--Hayseed Dixie
28. Trouble--Cat Stevens
29. Average Man--Simple Kid
30. We Like To Party--Vengaboys
31. Dixie Rose Deluxe's...--Trent Willmon
32. Rockin' In The Free World--Neil Young & Pearl Jam
33. Hello--Simple Kid
34. My Happy Ending--Avril Lavigne
35. Aint Talkin Bout Love--Dirty Power
36. Are You Lonesome Tonight--Sam Kinison
37. Truck On--Simple Kid
38. Milkshake--Richard Cheese
39. I Hold Your Hand In Mine--Tom Lehrer
40. The Lunatics...--Fun Boy Three
41. Krenzel Logic--Steve Dahl
42. I've Been Everywhere--Hank Snow
43. Do One--Gomez
44. Buddy Holly--Richard Cheese
45. Beat Me--Custom
46. Tuesday's Gone--Lynyrd Skynyrd
47. Given To Fly--Pearl Jam
48. I Miss You--Blink 182
49. Gonna Be Some Changes Made--Bruce Hornsby
50. Quinn The Quarterback--Uncle Boogie Pants

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (OCT 29-NOV 1)

Ahh, Halloween weekend. Time to play dress-up. Unfortunately, I experienced a slight wardrobe malfunction. The rubber band on my ALF mask broke. So I had to go to Plan B, a.k.a. Operation Dr. Frank N. Ducksoup. As you'll read below, this was no wardrobe malfunction! Muwahahahahahaaaaa!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, MUGZIE'S, 14 SONGS
NEW--Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand--D&M found this one for me and it worked so well that I actually did it a second time at the end of the night.
Mad World--Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules--Something slow to start with.
The Scientist--Coldplay--Another slow one. Did it better months ago.
1985--Bowling For Soup--It's all over the radio, and it's fun to sing.
NEW--Creatures (For A While)--311--Better than the last 311 song I did, but still for some reason those are giving me problems.
NEW--Word Up--Cameo--Not the new KoRn version, but close enough for jazz. First two-thirds went okay, the rest...bleh.
NEW--Monster Mash--Bobby "Boris" Pickett--Time to try out some Halloween stuff. Did okay, but the crowd sucked.
NEW--Purple People Eater--Sheb Wooley--Same here. But had to warm them up for my big number...
NEW--Sweet Transvestite--Tim Curry--Complete with dress, wig, lipstick and fishnets. I nailed it. The mic stand, that is. I used a bedsheet in place of a cape for the reveal, and when I threw it off I knocked over D&M's mic stand behind me. Overall, a mixed reception, as expected. During later songs a guy threw a couple of lemon wedges at me. Not sure how I should take that.
NEW--Werewolves Of London--Warren Zevon--Changed out of drag, but the crowd was still...um, iffy. Easy to sing. Too easy. But you gotta love the "bip" near the end.
NEW--I Love The Dead--Alice Cooper--Another mixed reception. Easy to forget how ahead of its time this song was. But I liked it enough to repeat it at Mutz.
NEW--Voodoo--Godsmack--Got the voice nailed, but tough to breathe right during it. Better reception than the others songs, oddly enough.
You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'--The Righteous Brothers--Duet with Doug. Tried to switch all our parts from last time. I assigned the harmony parts to him, but he wasn't prepared for it. Plus he had mic probs. Guess we'd better switch back in future.
Float On--Modest Mouse--I think the chicks dig this one, so I'm doing it a lot lately.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30, MUTZ, 6 SONGS

NEW--Don't Fear The Reaper--Blue Oyster Cult--"Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription...is MORE COWBELL!"
Aint Talkin Bout Love--Dirty Power/Van Halen--Because I was wearing my Dirty Power shirt. It's a vocal workout, but I like it.
I Hold Your Hand In Mine--Tom Lehrer--D&M let me get away with it again. Went over better than last Monday. Made it a 2-fer with the next song...
Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes--Lewis Lee--They found this one just for me, so I felt an obligation. A good set-up for the biggie...
Sweet Transvestite--Tim Curry--I managed to not hit the mic stand this time. As expected, a much better reception than at Mugzie's. The Mutz crowd ate it up. NOTE: D&M got pictures, hopefully I will be able to post them here at the Pond very soon. I looked fabulous! Wait til you folks see me in fishnets. With all the walking I do, my gams are positively delicious, if I do say so meself.
I Love The Dead--Alice Cooper--Ended the night with it. Got Sam and a few others to sing along. Unlike Friday, I stayed in drag for this one. After all, it IS Alice.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 1, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS

NEW--Long Time--Boston--Did it as a salute to the Red Sox. But the Eddie Vedder voice doesn't work well with a Boston song. Thud.
NEW--Centerfold--J. Geils Band--Vocal range was okay. But tougher to sing than I thought. Breathing was tricky. And it needs the right crowd to join in on the na-na's.

PS: I sit corrected. "I've Been Everywhere" by Hank Snow is NOT the ultimate karaoke challenge. The ultimate karaoke challenge is "Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me)" by Reunion. But I'm not even close to trying that!

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (OCT 22-25)

Had to skip Mutz last week, so this edition's just a tad truncated.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22, MUGZIE'S, 16 SONGS

NEW--Beyond The Gray Sky--311--I'm stupid. I forgot how the song goes. Then again, as Steve Dahl would say, "Set the bar low and then keep jumping over it."
NEW--Midnight Confessions--The Grass Roots--Oldie but a goodie. Decided to have one of my cherry-oke popping fests.
NEW--Under My Wheels--Alice Cooper--One of the driving songs I picked out after the JA Grand Prix.
NEW--Brick--Ben Folds Five--Not bad. It's either really low or really high. Both of which I can handle.
NEW--Drive--Incubus--And that completes my "Drive" trilogy, along with "Drive" by the Cars and "Drive" by R.E.M. My mid-range served me well.
Gonna Be Some Changes Made--Bruce Hornsby--Had to try it again. Damn shortened version. Not easy.
NEW--A Hard Day's Night--The Beatles--Heard someone else do it weeks ago, it's in a lower key than the original, low enough that I did okay.
Hole Hearted--Extreme--In my range, but tough to breathe through.
NEW--I Drink Alone--George Thorogood--Kept my Smirnoff Twisted in hand as I sang. Changed the last verse: "Well I had some fun with a lady friend | But then she up and ran off | So now I spend my weekends | With my pal Pierre Smirnoff | And we drink alone..."
NEW--You Don't Bring Me Flowers--Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand--Duet with Tina. My Neil is right on, Tina's Barbra is right on. Not bad.
It's Been Awhile--Staind--With my mid-range clicking, I can now throw this into the mix with "Outside" for some Staind variety. As for "So Far Away" and "Fade"...those both scare me.

(Now, before we move on, I must warn you: Prepare to be shocked and stunned. Hell hath frozen over. Are you all sitting down?)

NEW--Picture--Kid Rock & Sheyrl Crow--Yes, I know. You must all be flabbergasted. But I knew Tina could do her part well, and since Kid Rock can't actually sing, my part was way easy. For once this song didn't suck at karaoke. But still I felt kinda stupid. Not to mention more than a tad ashamed. But it's one more tune under my belt. Besides, shocking people is what I do. Fuck, I even shocked myself this time. Hey, gotta do the unexpected now and then, keep you folks on your toes. What will I do next? "Heart Of Glass"? "Redneck Woman"? "Quando Quando Quando"? You just never know!
NEW--Me And You And A Dog Named Boo--Lobo--Perfectly in my range. Nailed it.
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--More women in the crowd than last week. Went okay. However, the more I thought about it...
You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--...the more I realized this one would be even better to work the female part of the crowd with. And it was. The room's too big though. Can't wait to work the crowd at Mutz with it.
She's So High--Tal Bachman--Getting better at it. Needs a little more work. I want to keep this in my regular rotation.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 25, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 4 SONGS
NEW--I Hold Your Hand In Mine--Tom Lehrer--I got away with my a capella Halloween tune. Not a lot of people there though, so it kinda fell on deaf ears.
Surrender--Cheap Trick--I somehow managed to not sound like Neil Diamond this time.
NEW--Big Ten Inch--Aerosmith--Was in a playful mood. Predictably I caught some ribbing from D&M.
NEW--Punk Rock Girl--The Dead Milkmen--Playful again. Fun one to do, but I flubbed a couple of lines.

Coming up: Halloween weekend. Gonna hafta do "Monster Mash", "Purple People Eater", whatever other Halloween songs I can think of. Saturday at Mutz could get interesting, what with costumes and all. Perhaps I'll be performing "Sweet Transvestite"? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Before we get to the W.K.R., I gotta say...WAY TO GO, RED SOX! Coming back from a 3-0 hole to knock off the hated Yankees! I am pleasantly shocked and stunned!

Now, on to business...

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (OCTOBER 15-18)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15, MUGZIE'S, 21 SONGS
You read right, 21 songs in one night, shattering my old record of 12. For a solid two hours it was just me and Doug, back and forth, tag-team singing, with a couple of duets thrown in for variety.

NEW--She's So High--Tal Bachman--Heard it on the radio, had to try it.
NEW--1985--Bowling For Soup--Heard it in-between singers, had to try it. I'm just too damn suggestible.
Oh Pretty Woman--Roy Orbison--Gosh I like doing this one. I think the growl could lead to great things for me. The chicks dig it.
Away From The Sun--3 Doors Down--Another in-between song. You know, if I accidentally hear the Spice Girls one of these days, I'm doomed.
NEW--Better Man--Pearl Jam--Sending this one out to all my female friends.
Behind Blue Eyes--The Who--I hear the Limp Bizkit version in-between, but I prefer to do the Who version. Well, actually I do throw in "L-I-M-P...whatever" at one point.
NEW--Crocodile Rock--Elton John--I knew if I could do Bennie & The Jets, I could do this one. I was right. Dunno if I'll do it again anytime soon though. The la-la-la shit at the end gets annoying.
Babylon--David Gray--Been meaning to do this one more often. Not sure if I like the short version though.
NEW--Generation Landslide--Alice Cooper--Just because I like to throw in a sort-of-obscure tune once in a while.
If I Had $1,000,000--Barenaked Ladies--Duet with Doug. We do good harmony on it.
Dock Of The Bay--Otis Redding--I do it well, I like it, but I could do without having to do the whistling part at the end.
It's No Good--Arthur Kill/Depeche Mode--This time I added the AK-style primal scream at the end.
1979--Smashing Pumpkins--The 1996 SOTY. My Billy Corgan is right on.
One More Minute--Weird Al Yankovic--Tried to work the crowd this time, but there were only 2 or 3 ladies in the crowd, and I think it best if I refrain from turning it into a gay number. At least not in a str8 bar.
Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, BBQ, Barber Shop, Laundromat--Trent Willmon--Gotta love not having to look at the words.
NEW--You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'--The Righteous Brothers--Duet with Doug. Pretty damn good for our first try. Harmony was excellent. Once we work out our solo parts, we could nail this one every time.
Outside (live acoustic version)--Aaron Lewis & Fred Durst--I dig on it. Nuff said.
Sloop John B--The Beach Boys--Felt like experimenting, went low at first, tried some mid-range here and there, and ended in my ridiculously-high voice. Think I'll stick to low from now on.
NEW--She Hates Me--Puddle Of Mudd--Saved it for the last half hour in case I killed my voice on it. I didn't, my mid-range held out.
Float On--Modest Mouse--After we finished, I was waiting for my cab, watching a couple of nicely-built chubby gals play pool. One of them complimented me on this song, and I was possibly on the verge of something very interesting, when the stupid cab showed up and I had to leave. Lesson learned: wait a while before calling the cab!
Mother--Pink Floyd--I must remember to take note of the reverb level so I get it just right every time.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16, MUTZ, 1 SONG
My first solo flight running the show! Woohoo! Funny how things balance out...Friday I did 21 songs and we had 7 singers. Saturday I did 1 song and ended up having to manage 48 singers on the night. But I was not flustered or overwhelmed in the least. I simply stuck to the usual formula, got everyone in at least once, and still had fun. I believe I proved myself worthy of running the show whenever needed in future. I was professional, I acted normal for the most part, and Helper Monkey stayed in his cage. (The highlight was when I had about a dozen people singing "Bohemian Rhapsody". They weren't exactly all in sync with each other or the tune, so I began 'conducting' them. Worked very well. It was magical. Michael Kamen, eat your heart out!)

Away From The Sun--3 Doors Down--Got in the first song of the night, but my orders were to take myself out of the queue once I had 10 singers, which happened before I could get to a second song. So this was it.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 18, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 4 SONGS
Only 3 other singers during my short appearance, so I made the most of it.

You Don't Love Me Anymore--Weird Al Yankovic--I wish I always had an old used guitar to smash at the end of the song whenever I do this one. As it is I have to make do with a heavy-metal-type primal scream.
Oh Pretty Woman--Roy Orbison--See Friday.
NEW--Turn The Page--Bob Seger--Nailed it. Didn't think I would.
Sundown--Gordon Lightfoot--As soon as I walked in, some guy yelled "Ducksoup!" Seems I'm gaining a reputation. :) For whatever reason the guy also yelled "Sundown", so I assumed it was a request. I'm always open to requests, BTW, should any of my readers come to hear me sing. If I know it, I'll do it!

Song I want to sing: "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" by Tom Lehrer. A good song for Halloween season. But will they let me go a capella? You know me, if I can get away with it...

T-MINUS 18 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT EPISODE OF ALF'S HIT TALK SHOW

Apparently the pilot episode was such a hit that TV Land has ordered 6 more episodes! They will air Fridays at 11pm starting November 5th. (Granted this will probably curtail my Friday night karaoke-ing, but I have my priorities.)

PS: A CORECTION

Aparently, some of you didn't scour the archives thoroughly enough to know that the "Spot The Typoe" challenge was discontinued long ago.

HOW MANY MEMBERS OF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Answer: 10

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Lightbulb Change Accomplished
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark
8. One to viciously smear #7
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along
And finally...
10. One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 15-21)

Don't Ask--tonight & Saturday at Anchor Inn
Glass Bead Game--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Hugh Rock.com--Saturday at Papa's Tavern
Flickerstick--Monday at Magic Bag
Clumsy Lovers--Tuesday at Mickey Finn's Pub
The Bamboo Kids--Thursday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Lame-o--Thursday at Mickey Finn's Pub

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (OCT. 8-11)

Note: I've compiled a virtually complete list of all the songs I've ever sung at karaoke. The link is at right under "Picks To Click".

FRIDAY, MUGZIE'S, 8 SONGS

Evenflow, Pearl Jam--Still coming down off the PJ show.
Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve--Even the shortened version is too long.
Great Balls Of Fire, Jerry Lee Lewis--On my slip I wrote simply "Great Balls".
Rain, The Beatles--Because it was raining when I arrived. Gotta get some more Beatles tunes under my belt.
Hunger Strike, Temple Of The Dog--Just as I thought, I need a second singer in future to do the Chris Cornell parts.
I'm Your Captain/Closer To Home, Grand Funk Railroad--One of those songs I could always sing perfectly in the car. At karaoke...(shrug)
Volcano, Jimmy Buffett--Done as a shout-out to Mt. St. Helen's.
Vasectomy, Steve Dahl--Someone did "Close To You", so I decided to take a run at the classic Dahl parody thereof.

SATURDAY, MUTZ, 10 SONGS

Inside Out, Eve 6--Tough to breathe through, but otherwise okay.
Vaseline, Stone Temple Pilots--Exercising the mid-range. My Scott Weiland is right on. Can't wait to do some Velvet Revolver.
Oh Pretty Woman, Roy Orbison--Recycled from someone else. Surprised even myself by nailing this, including the growl.
It's No Good, Depeche Mode--I sort of combined the DM version with the Arthur Kill version. I was very happy with the result. Shoulda done this months ago.
Shaving Cream, Benny Bell--Took back my comedic throne from my friendly archrival Sam, who was exceptionally drunk.
Everytime, Britney Spears--Sam had the nerve to put in "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne. Bastid! But I gave him the go-ahead. But being way too drunk, he sucked big time. So I followed with my Britney and put him in his place.
Behind Blue Eyes, The Who--Heard the Limp Bizkit version in between singers. I prefer the Who version. Has always been one of my best.
Hole Hearted, Extreme--I was a bit worried, but my mid-range didn't let me down.
Float On, Modest Mouse--Dancin' Sarah (Sam's GF) stole this one from me weeks ago. She was absent this week, so I took it back, and nailed it. Mine mine mine! Crowd pleaser.
Sweet Emotion, Aerosmith--Tough to hold the long notes, but the rest of it is too easy. Another crowd pleaser.

MONDAY, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 2 SONGS

I Don't Like Mondays, The Boomtown Rats--Well, duh. Painfully obvious choice. Just needs a bit of work and I'll nail it.
One More Minute, Weird Al Yankovic--Micki requested it, one of her faves. I gotta keep this and the other Weird Al ballad in my regular rotation. Especially when they're relevant.

Woohoo! There's a good chance they might let me run the Saturday show at Mutz this week! Keep the body parts of your choice crossed for me, campers!

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (OCT 8-14)

Chili Cat--tonight & Saturday at Sodbuster
Don't Ask--tonight & Saturday at Lucky Louie's
Red Wanting Blue--Thursday at Headliners
Streetlamps for Spotlights--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Tangerine Trousers--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub

P.S.

Actually, now that I recall, I had an even weirder hallucination last week: I turned on the TV and saw Herman Munster debating...um, let's see, it was either Alfred E. Neuman or a chimp, I'm not sure.

P.P.S.

NASCAR, you are so full of SHIT!

I AM THE LIZARD KING!

Wow, that sure was some bitchin' acid I dropped yesterday. You folks wouldn't believe the wild hallucination I had last night. I was sure I saw a debate on TV between John Ritter and Bob Hope! Far out, man.

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (OCT 1-4)

FRIDAY, MUGZIE'S, 7 SONGS

NEW--Basket Case, Green Day
Another slip recycled from someone else.

NEW--I Miss You, Blink 182
Another song I kept hearing in between singers. Sometimes one of those songs just out and out haunts me until I sing it myself. Needs work, I forgot to start out low on the first verse. (And I forgot to sing in that weird Blink 182 accent. How the fuck could I forget that?)

NEW--Peace Train, Cat Stevens
Fortunately they haven't deported his stuff from the playlist. I think I do very good on C.S. If only they had some of his tunes from "Harold And Maude". (A bit of shamelessly self-centered trivia: This slip now shares with "One Thing" the honor of flanking my slips for "Outside". As if you care.)

NEW--Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, BBQ, Barber Shop, Laundromat, Trent Willmon
Yeehah! Nailed it! And didn't look at the monitor while singing the title either! Not even at the end when he adds "tractor parts, eight-tracks, trampolines, tux rental, groceries, video, post office, taxidermy" to it! (Granted, I had to peek once in a while during the verses, but those are tough to memorize.)

NEW--Cover Of "Rolling Stone", Dr. Hook
A duet with Edgar. He insisted I take the first verse, which I suspect was just so he could do the extremely-low-voiced second verse, which he nailed. I did good on my parts considering I've never practiced it.

Dare To Be Stupid, Weird Al Yankovic
For some reason there were a lot of 'stupid' songs being sung that night, so I tossed this into the rotation and sent it out to George W. Bush.

She Drives Like Crazy, Weird Al Yankovic
Doug should know by now that whenever he does "She Drives Me Crazy" I'm going to have to follow it with this one. The track gets totally fucked up during the instrumental though, so I have to remember to compensate for it in future.

SATURDAY, MUTZ, 1 SONG

Daughter, Pearl Jam
And so by the time I walked all the way from the Sports Arena to Mutz, I only had time to get in one song. Two others ahead of me in the queue did "Alive" and "Jeremy" so I had to go with my third choice.

MONDAY, SOUTHWYCK LOUNGE, 6 SONGS
Ended up not having to go to work, so reeled off a half-dozen Pearl Jammers:

Given To Fly (NEW), Alive, I Am Mine, Not For You, Daughter, Jeremy
The new one, GTF, was the only one that worried me, but I pretty much nailed the high parts. My mid-range is really starting to come in nicely. Put me in enough of a comfort zone that I breezed through the rest.

I think I'm going to start classifying my two groups of slips like baseball cards: "Need-It" and "Got-It". So here are some of the newest Need-Its:
Better Man, Pearl Jam; Evenflow, Pearl Jam; Hail Hail, Pearl Jam; Hunger Strike, Temple Of The Dog; Vaseline, Stone Temple Pilots
Am I getting overconfident, or what? Hello, mid-range!
Crocodile Rock, Elton John
Recycled from someone else. If I can do "Bennie & The Jets", I can do this.
Oh Pretty Woman, Roy Orbison
Recycled from someone else. More overconfidence? Maybe. But I can do the growl.
My Cellmate Thinks I'm Sexy, Cletus T. Judd
Just so Doug won't have to sing it anymore.
Over The Rainbow, Judy Garland
Why not? Why the hell not?! Give me one good reason why not! What's that you say? Because it'll be embarrassing? Ha ha ha! You fools! Did you forget who you're talking to?! Besides, if I get it just right I could make any one of you downright weepy.
I've Been Everywhere, Hank Snow
Forget "It's The End Of The World As We Know It". Forget "Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, BBQ, Barber Shop, Tractor Parts, Eight-Tracks, Trampolines, Tux Rental, Groceries, Video, Post Office, Taxidermy, Laundromat". Forget all the others. "I've Been Everywhere" is THE ultimate karaoke challenge!

GEAK RADIO TOP 40 (week ending Oct. 2)

Obviously the Pearl Jam show Saturday had a huge effect on the countdown. Last year's SOTY tops the chart once again, and the 1993 SOTY winner also made the cut at #19.

1. Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam (last week: #18)
2. Rockin' In The Free World--Neil Young & Pearl Jam (last week: not ranked)
3. Take Me Out--Franz Ferdinand (last week: nr)
4. Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, BBQ, Barber Shop, Laundromat--Trent Willmon (last week: nr)
5. Chicken Out--Gomez (last week: tied-#1)
6. Staring At The Sun--Simple Kid (last week: tied-#1)
7. The Long Road--Pearl Jam with Neil Young (last week: nr)
8. Are You Lonesome Tonight--Sam Kinison (last week: #30)
9. I Miss You--Blink 182 (last week: nr)
10. Downtown--Neil Young & Pearl Jam (last week: nr)
11. Silence--Gomez (last week: #3)
12. Average Man--Simple Kid (last week: #5)
13. Nothing Is Wrong--Gomez (last week: #10)
14. Here And Now--Letters To Cleo (last week: nr)
15. On Top Of You--Trey Parker (last week: #13)
16. Breakups Breakdowns--Simple Kid (last week: #6)
17. Where Ya Going--Gomez (last week: #9)
18. Drugs--Simple Kid (last week: #7)
19. Jeremy--Pearl Jam (last week: nr)
20. Truck On--Simple Kid (last week: #4)
21. Harvest Moon--Neil Young (last week: nr)
22. Mad World--Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules (last week: #8)
23. My Happy Ending--Avril Lavigne (last week: #12)
24. It's No Good--Depeche Mode (last week: #31)
25. Hail, Hail--Pearl Jam (last week: nr)
26. Somewhere Out There--Our Lady Peace (last week: nr)
27. Do One--Gomez (last week: nr)
28. All Of My Life--Todd Snider (last week: #16)
29. Wishlist--Pearl Jam (last week: nr)
30. I Want A Fat Babe--Snackstreet Boys (last week: #15)
31. Supertramps And Superstars--Simple Kid (last week: #21)
32. Given To Fly--Pearl Jam (last week: nr)
33. Float On--Modest Mouse (last week: nr)
34. Everytime--Britney Spears (last week: nr)
35. Send The Pain Below--Chevelle (last week: nr)
36. Commuter--Simple Kid (last week: #25)
37. Good To See You--Neil Young (last week: nr)
38. Gonna Be Some Changes Made--Bruce Hornsby (last week: #14)
39. Cold As Ice--Mat Dusk (last week: #33)
40. Fat Bottomed Girls--Hayseed Dixie (last week: #11)

WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (Sept. 24-27)

My new friend actually said the other day, "We've got to break you out of your karaoke habit." She don't know me vewy well, do she? :)

Friday, Mugzie's, 8 songs
After last week's blitzkrieg of new songs, I decided to kick it old school for the most part. 3 new, 5 old. Actually 2 new and 6 old if you count the new "Outside" (see below) as an old one.

NEW--I Believe In A Thing Called Love, The Darkness
It's about damn time I got around to this. (At least by myself. I've sung along with others often enough on this.) Nailed it. Of course. (cue ego inflation)

NEW--Tuesday's Gone, Lynyrd Skynyrd
Heard it on the radio that afternoon. Had to try it. I'm just so darn suggestible. Nailed it.

Trouble, Coldplay
An old fave. I was a bit rusty on it though.

NEW--Outside, Aaron Lewis & Fred Durst
If only I'd known sooner that they had this live, acoustic version. Helps curb my tendency to try to overpower the music on the bridge. I can relax a bit, and you can hear me. (Also I kind of like the crowd noise on it. Makes me feel like an actual rock star. Ooooh.)

Mad World, Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules
See last week.

Sloop John B, The Beach Boys
See last week.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is, Chicago
Ah yes, the one I outright stole from Doug. Oh well, he knows I do it better.

One Thing, Finger Eleven
The song that drove me to Mutz in the first place. That was last November. I just had to get it out of my head. Been a while since I did it though. Sat down while singing it, just for old time's sake. (Those first several weeks I'd drag a barstool over to the mic, because I felt I did better sitting than standing.)

Saturday, Mutz, 2 songs
Eeyikes. Mutz seems to average 30 singers on Saturdays. Last week there were only 20, this week there were 40. I guess it balanced itself out. Last week I asked "Where'd everybody go?" This week I asked "Why couldn't they go wherever they went last week?!" My lack of god! Plus I overslept and got there at 10:40. Only got in 2 solo songs! D'oh! I had to resort to being "Helper Monkey" on a few other songs.

NEW--Somewhere Out There, Our Lady Peace
Hmmm. I seem to be gaining a bit more high mid-range voice, depending on the song. (What's helped is, I finally realized that's pretty much what I manage on the "Outside" bridge.)

The Last DJ, Tom Petty
See last week. Wanted to give some props to a WXUT jock who was also there singing. Not that he noticed. Ungrateful bastid.

Paradise City, Guns 'N' Roses
Helper Monkey joined a chorus of drunk frat boys, and was the only one who managed a passable Axl Rose voice, thank you.

Walk Like An Egyptian, The Bangles
Fat Bastard's female co-singer was a no-show, so he asked Helper Monkey to fill in. Um, yeah. Oh well, you know me, anything for shits and giggles. Yes, I did the dance too. I have no shame. (I even tried to moonwalk like an Egyptian. I have issues.)

Monday, Southwyck Lounge, 5 songs
Okay. I got in more songs Monday than I did Saturday. What's wrong with this picture?

Tuesday's Gone, Lynyrd Skynyrd
It played on the jukebox prior to D&M's arrival. I'm just so darn suggestible. Nailed it again. Very well-received.

NEW--Aint Talkin Bout Love, Van Halen
So there's this mp3 I really dig on, by Dirty Power, in which they do this song without ever having rehearsed it, and they totally nail it. Keeping in mind a potential future as the lead singer for Baldy, I took my own unrehearsed stab at it, and nailed it as well. A crowd-pleaser to boot. Patrock and the guys would be proud I think.

NEW--Ode To A Superhero, Weird Al Yankovic
"Sling us a web, you're the Spiderman!" Brought the "Poodle Hat" lyrics along. Doug and those in the audience who had seen the films seemed to enjoy it.

Outside, Aaron Lewis & Fred Durst
The guy who tried it last week was back. I schooled him. (Oh yeah, and the lyrics are wrong on this version too.)

NEW--A Complicated Song, Weird Al Yankovic
I asked the two singers ahead of me to let me go ahead of them so I could leave for work and they kindly obliged. I figured since I had the "Poodle Hat" lyrics with me, why not try this one? Because Al does it in a different key than Avril, that's why! Which I totally forgot. Boy did this song live up to its title!!! Had to constantly (and I mean constantly!) switch between going high and low. Ick. I guess that's what I get for queue-barging.

Next week? Got some new additions to my "want to sing" stack...
The Baby, Blake Shelton
Guy sang it Monday for his friend whose mother just died. I'm just glad I didn't start crying.
Basket Case, Green Day
I have this new thing that I do when I'm helping run the show: If someone does a song that I think I'd like to try, I keep their slip and cross their name out and write in mine and add it to the stack! Recycling, baby!
Got The Time, Anthrax
Also recycled from someone else.
I Miss You, Blink 182
Another one that keeps coming up on the backgorund playlist between singers.
Peace Train & Wild World, Cat Stevens
I gotta get to these soon. I fear D&M might deport them from their system!
It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long, The Notorious Cherry Bombs
The second-longest song title I've seen in the PKE book. Takes up two lines.
Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, Barbecue, Barber Shop, Laundromat, Trent Willmon
Takes up THREE lines! And yes, I'm already memorizing it! Be afraid. Be very afraid. Muwahahahahahaaaaa!!!

GEAK RADIO TOP 40 (week ending 9/25/04)

It's a classic rivalry in the making: Gomez and Simple Kid wind up in a dead heat for the top spot this week, and combine for 9 of the top 10.

(tie) 1. Chicken Out--Gomez (last week: #23)
(tie) 1. Staring At The Sun--Simple Kid (last week: #2)
3. Silence--Gomez (last week: #7)
4. Truck On--Simple Kid (last week: #1)
5. Average Man--Simple Kid (last week: #6)
6. Breakups Breakdowns--Simple Kid (last week: #16)
7. Drugs--Simple Kid (last week: #8)
8. Mad World--Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules (last week: #22)
9. Where Ya Going--Gomez (last week: not ranked)
10. Nothing Is Wrong--Gomez (last week: #15)
11. Fat Bottomed Girls--Hayseed Dixie (last week: #4)
12. My Happy Ending--Avril Lavigne (last week: #5)
13. On Top Of You--Trey Parker (last week: #10)
14. Gonna Be Some Changes Made--Bruce Hornsby (last week: #14)
15. I Want A Fat Babe--Snackstreet Boys (last week: #3)
16. All Of My Life--Todd Snider (last week: #12)
17. Catch Me Up--Gomez (last week: #32)
18. Thumbing My Way--Pearl Jam (last week: nr)
19. Centerfold--Hayseed Dixie (last week: nr)
20. Two Shots Of Happy, One Shot Of Sad--Matt Dusk (last week: #24)
21. Supertramps And Superstars--Simple Kid (last week: #11)
22. Love Is So Noisy--Barnes And Barnes (last week: #13)
23. There It Was--Gomez (last week: #17)
24. Hello--Simple Kid (last week: #31)
25. Commuter--Simple Kid (last week: #34)
26. Theme From Loaded Gun--Matt Dusk (last week: #27)
27. Highway To Hell--Hayseed Dixie (last week: #20)
28. Kids Don't Care--Simple Kid (last week: #19)
29. The Ballad Of The Kingsmen--Todd Snider (last week: #9)
30. Are You Lonesome Tonight--Sam Kinison (last week: #35)
31. It's No Good--Depeche Mode (last week: #36)
32. We Don't Know Where We're Going--Gomez (last week: nr)
33. Cold As Ice--Matt Dusk (last week: #39)
34. I Believe In A Thing Called Love--Hayseed Dixie (last week: nr)
35. All My Little Words--The Magnetic Fields (last week: #33)
36. Every Mother's Son--Matt Dusk (last week: #21)
37. Feel Like Making Love--Hayseed Dixie (last week: nr)
38. I Can't Make You Love Me--Bonnie Raitt (last week: #18)
39. I Feel Depressed--Barnes And Barnes (last week: #29)
40. The Kind Of Love You Never Recover From--Christine Lavin (last week: #28)

NEW REGULAR FEATURE (MAYBE): WEEKLY KARAOKE RECAP (Sept 17-20)

Why not start this new feature right after what was perhaps my busiest weekend of karaoke ever? 19 songs in 3 nights! And only two that I had sung previously. I'm popping 'cherry-okes' left and right.

Friday, Mugzie's, 8 songs
The triumphant return to Dickweed's! Soon as I took the mike for my first song, I said something along the lines of "Good evening, dickweeds!" Micki scolded me later. I'm so naughty! Lighter queue than I'm used to at Mutz, about 15-16 singers total for the night. Frank from the Roadhouse was there, said he could do "Edmund Fitzgerald" without looking at the screen, but chickened out of my challenge to turn off the monitor. Guess I'll have to school him sometime.
Are You Lonesome Tonight--Sam Kinison--Frank heard me do this at the Roadhouse and requested it. It's been much more well-received now that I warn people that it's the Kinison version. As opposed to the first time I did it, with no warning, and the crowd was scared silent. [big evil grin]
Can't You See--Marshall Tucker Band--Heard it on the radio last week and forgot I had sung it before. Was always a favorite of my late bro Lou and I to sing in the car together.
Come Sail Away--Styx--Sang it in my 'new improved' Elvis voice. For some reason I stumbled upon the concept of "What if Elvis were the lead singer for Styx?" The crowd was stunned into silence. I love when that happens. I can't wait to do "Babe" as Elvis, or just about any other Styx song.
Fuck It--Eamon--First heard this when someone sang it at Mugzie's months ago. Filled out a slip for it and promised myself I'd learn it. Finally did so last week when it became relevant to me. Went over well.
Gonna Be Some Changes Made--Bruce Hornsby--A song I had them find for me. Went well, seemed like a shortened version, but not sure. Could become one of my best, but needs work.
The Last DJ--Tom Petty--Finished the night on this one. Nailed it. But it was the last song of the night so the crowd could have cared less.
Milkshake--Kelis--Changed the gender references and did sort of a Michael Jackson voice by accident. Mixed reaction. Was later complimented for having the balls to do it.
Somebody Told Me--The Killers--Another song I had them find for me, so I had to try it. Worked surprisingly well. Was worried about the range, I pushed it a bit. But I got the last high note.

Saturday, Mutz, 8 songs
Where'd everybody go? 19 singers total. Started singing at 10:05. I did the first 3 songs of the night! I was willing to keep going until someone else joined the queue or until my voice wore out. Fellow Karaokaholics Larry and Kay showed up about midnight. Had Kay do her signature, "Holly Holy". Tried not to let people see me grinning.
Dancing Queen--Abba--Did my best to do it like Robbie Fulks, including the "So utterly now!" yell, etc. Mixed reception.
The Flame--Cheap Trick--Working on some CT songs for a new friend who's a CT fan. Had to use the old reliable Eddie Vedder voice.
A Horse With No Name--America--Been meaning to try some America tunes. This one seemed to work okay. Got more ready to go.
Norwegian Wood-The Beatles--Frankly, I'm scared to try most Beatles stuff. Went low on the bridges.
Rainy Day Woman #12 & 35--Bob Dylan--Ended the night on this one, with help from Kay. She had the 3rd-to-last song of the night, the Tom Petty song with the 'let's roll another joint' line, so that was a nice lead-in. Very well-received, fun song to end on. We did some chorus-line kicks and a do-si-do during the instrums, and changed some lines: "I would not feel so in a funk / Everybody must get drunk" and "I would not feel so out of luck / Everybody must get fucked!"
Runaway Train--Soul Asylum--Been meaning to do for weeks, finally got around to it. Well within my range. Might add to my regular rotation.
Secret Touch--Rush--The only recent Rush track they have, I had to try it at least once, even though I knew the range was too high.
Wet Dream--Kip Addotta--Can you say "THUD"? My delivery was dead-on, but it fell flat. D'oh! See, this is what happens when no local radio station bothers to carry Dr. Demento!

Monday, Southwyck Lounge, 3 songs
Finally learned how to start everything up. Sort of. Now I just have to commit all the steps to memory. Some guy did "Outside". He was so-so. Shoulda left it to an expert. That fucker is MY song. My best song at that. Nobody can touch me on it. If the guy's there next week, I'm gonna have to school his ass. I've got the lyrics memorized so I never look at the screen, but as I watched I was reminded of just how wrong the lyrics are on the screen for this song.
I Want You To Want Me--Cheap Trick--Working on the CT stuff again. A vocal stretch, but I managed. I think a certain CT fan is gonna be floored.
Mad World--Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules--Keep hearing this among the songs that play in between singers. Wrote it down Saturday, practiced it Sunday, and whipped it out Monday. Kind of high, but subdued, much like Coldplay, so I handled it quite well. Another candidate for my regular rotation.
Sloop John B--The Beach Boys--Now this one goes into my regular rotation for sure! Was worried about it, but turns out it matches my vocal range perfectly. Got it in at 10:50. Sang the last line, "I wanna go home" then added "but I gotta go to work, I'm outta here!" and Doug and I high-tailed out the back door! Just barely made it to work on time. But was worth it to know I can do my favorite BBs tune from now on.

GEAK RADIO TOP 40
(week ending Sept. 18)

1. Truck On--Simple Kid (last week: #1)
2. Staring At The Sun--Simple Kid (last week: #4)
3. I Want A Fat Babe--Snackstreet Boys (last week: #2)
4. Fat Bottomed Girls--Hayseed Dixie (last week: not ranked)
5. My Happy Ending--Avril Lavigne (last week: #24)
6. Average Man--Simple Kid (last week: #7)
7. Silence--Gomez (last week: #15)
8. Drugs--Simple Kid (last week: #36)
9. The Ballad Of The Kingsmen--Todd Snider (last week: #3)
10. On Top Of You--Trey Parker (last week: #11)
11. Supertramps And Superstars--Simple Kid (last week: #16)
12. All Of My Life--Todd Snider (last week: #17)
13. Love Is So Noisy--Barnes And Barnes (last week: #5)
14. Gonna Be Some Changes Made--Bruce Hornsby (last week: #8)
15. Nothing Is Wrong--Gomez (last week: #12)
16. Breakups Breakdowns--Simple Kid (last week: nr)
17. There It Was--Gomez (last week: #6)
18. I Can't Make You Love Me--Bonnie Raitt (last week: nr)
19. Kids Don't Care--Simple Kid (last week: #21)
20. Highway To Hell--Hayseed Dixie (last week: nr)
21. Every Mother's Son--Matt Dusk (last week: #13)
22. Mad World--Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules (last week: nr)
23. Chicken Out--Gomez (last week: nr)
24. Two Shots Of Happy, One Shot Of Sad--Matt Dusk (last week: #9)
25. Everytime--Britney Spears (last week: #10)
26. The Kind Of Love You Never Recover From--Christine Lavin (last week: #28)
27. Theme From Loaded Gun--Matt Dusk (last week: #19)
28. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long--The Notorious Cherry Bombs (last week: nr)
29. I Feel Depressed--Barnes And Barnes (last week: #31)
30. Comfortably Numb--Hayseed Dixie (last week: nr)
31. Hello--Simple Kid (last week: nr)
32. Catch Me Up--Gomez (last week: #23)
33. All My Little Words--The Magnetic Fields (last week: #30)
34. Commuter--Simple Kid (last week: #27)
35. Are You Lonesome Tonight--Sam Kinison (last week: #34)
36. It's No Good--Depeche Mode (last week: #20)
37. My Sundown--Jimmy Eat World (last week: #18)
38. Chicks Dig Jerks--Bill Hicks (last week: #14)
39. Cold As Ice--Matt Dusk (last week: #37)
40. Crawl--Custom (last week: #22)

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (SEP 17-23)

Stacked Ham--tonight & Saturday at Break Room Lounge
Ten Inch Willy--tonight & Saturday at Lucky Louie's
Science Of Big Machines--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Tricked By Nixon--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Hot Karl--tonight thru Sunday at Pirate's Landing
Box Of Cats--Thursday at Bronze Boar
Halfway To St. Patrick's Day--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Chain Of Words--Thursday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Variety Pack--tonight & Saturday at Speedway Bar And Grill

GEAK RADIO TOP 40
(week ending Sept. 11)

Bloody crap, I'm turning into Casey Kasem! Is Don on the phone?! Dammit, the next time I gotta come out of an fucking up-tempo record to talk about a fuckin' dog dying...!!!

1. Truck On--Simple Kid (last week: tied #2)
2. I Want A Fat Babe--Snackstreet Boys (last week: #4)
3. The Ballad Of The Kingsmen--Todd Snider (last week: #19)
4. Staring At The Sun--Simple Kid (last week: #11)
5. Love Is So Noisy--Barnes And Barnes (new entry)
6. There It Was--Gomez (new entry)
7. Average Man--Simple Kid (last week: tied #2)
8. Gonna Be Some Changes Made--Bruce Hornsby (last week: #6)
9. Two Shots Of Happy, One Shot Of Sad--Matt Dusk (last week: #1)
10. Everytime--Britney Spears (last week: #5)
11. On Top Of You--Trey Parker (last week: #15)
12. Nothing Is Wrong--Gomez (last week: #12)
13. Every Mother's Son--Matt Dusk (last week: #7)
14. Chicks Dig Jerks--Bill Hicks (last week: #8)
15. Silence--Gomez (last week: #20)
16. Supertramps And Superstars--Simple Kid (last week: #16)
17. All Of My Life--Todd Snider (new entry)
18. My Sundown--Jimmy Eat World (last week: #9)
19. Theme From Loaded Gun--Matt Dusk (last week: #10)
20. It's No Good--Depeche Mode (new entry)
21. Kids Don't Care--Simple Kid (new entry)
22. Crawl--Custom (new entry)
23. Catch Me Up--Gomez (new entry)
24. My Happy Ending--Avril Lavigne (last week: #17)
25. You Think You Know Somebody--Todd Snider (new entry)
26. Lonely Road--Matt Dusk (new entry)
27. Commuter--Simple Kid (new entry)
28. The Kind Of Love You Never Recover From--Chrstine Lavin (last week: #13)
29. Always--Matt Dusk (new entry)
30. All My Little Words--The Magnetic Fields (re-entry)
31. I Feel Depressed--Barnes And Barnes (last week: #14)
32. Beer Run--Todd Snider (new entry)
33. Here And Now--Letters To Cleo (re-entry)
34. Are You Lonesome Tonight--Sam Kinison (re-entry)
35. Silver Springs--Fleetwood Mac (new entry)
36. Drugs--Simple Kid (new entry)
37. Cold As Ice--Matt Dusk (new entry)
38. Someone I Used To Love--Jimmy Buffett (new entry)
39. Bald Headed Men--Christine Lavin (last week: #18)
40. Star Wars Cantina--Mark Jonathan Davis (new entry)

WHERE HAVE ALL THE BAND NAMES GONE?

No list again this week. There seems to be a shortage of interesting new band names lately. Even Buzz Kilman had to cut his list in half last week!

To make up for it, here's a new anti-W link...

TOP PUN

PS: A suggestion from the NWOPC newsletter:

How to start each day with a positive outlook:
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "George W. Bush."
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Click on "Empty Trash Bin."
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.
--Jennifer Rockwood

I AM CORNHOLIO!

The following is an AP story I spotted in the paper the other day. It seemed like a joke at first. I've added my own comments throughout, in bold.

***

CORNBAG GAME POPULAR IN BACKYARDS, BARS AND ON CAMPUS
by Terry Kinney, Associated Press, Monday, September 6, 2004

CINCINNATI - The projectiles are lighter than horseshoes and safer than yard darts, but the idea's the same. Players try to hit a target several paces away.

The Ohio phenomenon that is catching on nationwide is called cornhole, or corn toss, because players try to throw cloth bags filled with corn into a goal.

"It's easy to play, you don't have to dig a pit, drive stakes or tear up your lawn," said Mike Whitton, founder and president of the American Cornhole Association.

I had to fight hard to stifle my giggling on the bus at this point.

Beanbag games in various forms have been around for decades. Local players say the corn bag game originated in Cincinnati - specifically the city's west side, where Whitton grew up - although many lay claim to it.

Leave it to the clueless, bass-ackwards, right-wing, bible-thumping, Jerry Springer-electing morons in Cincinnazi (<-not a typo) to come up with a game, call it "cornhole" and not know what the word really means!

Portable goals have let the backyard game travel to tailgate parties, bars and college campuses, and a cottage industry has sprung up supplying boards, bags, clothing and paraphernalia.

The American Cornhole Association claims to be the arbiter of the game, sanctioning tournaments and "official" rules of play. It grew out of a scoring dispute at a family picnic and now has more than 3,500 members, Whitton said. It's Web site sometimes gets 300,000 hits a month.

Yes, 300,000 hits a month...though I suspect many of those are people looking for something else entirely!

"Cincinnati is the core, but I ship hats and (game) sets everywhere," Whitton said. "Many sets are going to North Carolina and Florida, but it's also spreading west, to Nebraska and Oklahoma, at a fairly rapid clip."

The simple premise of the game is to throw a bag filled with corn into a six-inch hole in a wooden ramp 30 feet away. A bag in the hole scores three points, a bag left on the platform scores one.

Although not a drinking game by definition, alcoholic beverages often are consumed. The Christian Moerlein Brewing Co. sponsors tournaments, and offers a virtual version of the game on its Web site.

Alcoholic beverages often are consumed before and/or during cornholing. DUH!

Christy's Bierstube, Rathskeller and Biergarten, which caters to University of Cincinnati students, installed a game court because regular customers asked for it, said co-owner Christy Windholtz.

It may be bringing in new business "because it gives people something to do," she said.

I did some investigating, and there are several bars in the Toledo area which cater to "cornhole" enthusiasts: Bretz, Hooterville, Rip Cord and R-House, just to name a few.

Players span all ages, but teams that compete in leagues at Tommy's on the River, a bar and restaurant adjacent to a Cincinnati marina, tend to be twentysomethings.

"Many of them are people who work at P&G (the Procter & Gamble Co.) or Sara Lee, people who have been transferred into Cincinnati and don't know many people so they play sports to meet people," said Donna Frey, a bartender at Tommy's, where beach volleyball is another popular pastime.

Ah yes, P&G, makers of Pringles potato chips. In the immortal words of Steve Dahl, "Pringles: They're stacked in a can, so you can put 'em up yours!"

Cincinnati Sports Leagues, a private company, operates the corn toss and volleyball leagues, along with flag football, softball and other sports. About 15,000 under-35s participate, said co-founder Joff Moine.

"It's safe, it's fun and you don't get dirty," Moine said of the game. Players must be 21 because some teams are sponsored by alcohol vendors.

You don't get dirty? Well, I suppose that depends on your partner's hygiene.

"We cater to young professionals just out of college," Moine said. "About every three or four weeks, we have a happy hour that about 300-400 people attend."

A ready-made board can cost about $150, but several Web sites have do-it-yourself directions. Dozens of eBay listings offer customized boards and bags with logos of professional and college teams.

"A friend and I make them on the side," Moine said. "With Christmas coming up, we've got about 20 orders."

The game is so popular around Cincinnati that nearly 400 teams competed for the $2,000 first-place prize in the Cornhole Classic in February, and organizers are planning a Holiday Cornhole Classic for Thanksgiving weekend.

"Holiday Cornhole Classic"...gives whole new meaning to "stuffing the turkey".

"We were extremely surprised. I knew it was popular, but not this popular," said Matt Dunne, general manager of U.S. Bank Arena. "We have to limit it to 400 teams because we only have room for 40 courts on the arena floor."

Entry fee is $65 per team. Beer is extra.

Moine claims to be responsible for introducing the game to Myrtle Beach, S.C., while on vacation. Students take the game with them to college.

"My little brother just graduated from Ohio State, and he says students take their OSU boards to their tailgates," said Moine, who is from Columbus. "It's picking up there, at Miami University - anywhere in Ohio. It doesn't seem to be very popular outside the Midwest."

Makes you proud to be an Ohioan, doesn't it? That's right, we invented cornholing! We also invented "Buckeyeing"! Actually, *I* invented Buckeyeing. (I think. I mean, I just now thought of it. Maybe I'm not the first.) If you ask nicely, I'll describe it to you. (Though some of my loyal readers can no doubt use their imaginations and pretty much figure it out themselves.)

The game has taken root at the University of Kentucky.

"You can't go up and down the street without seeing boards and bags," said Del Proctor of Lexington, Ky., president of the local Sigma Phi Epsilon chapter. "I have some family in Cincinnati, and they've been playing a couple of years. It seems to have migrated down here through the students."

Although the game is not very physical, Proctor said players have become more active because of it.

"It gets people away from PlayStation and Xbox," he said."

That is, until there are cornhole games available for PS and Xbox.

ON THE NET
American Cornhole Association: www.playcornhole.org
Whetstone Products: www.cornholegame.org
Christian Moerlien Brewing Co.: www.christianmoerlein.com
Hillbilly Games: www.HillbillyGames.com

Anyhoo, I think the ACA could use a mascot. Who better than...

(Note: I've added blurbs for the songs retroactively, going back through the past 3 weeks.)

SONGS I COULDN'T STOP LISTENING TO THIS WEEK
(aka Songs I Suggest You Look For On Bearshare)

1. Matt Dusk--Two Shots Of Happy, One Shot Of Sad (new entry)
Steve Dahl played it last week. The Dusky One is my new guilty pleasure. Can't wait to karaoke his stuff.

(tie) 2. Simple Kid--Average Man (new entry)
(tie) 2. Simple Kid--Truck On (new entry)
"Average Man" was also played on Dahl last week. The Stever is a hitmaker!

4. Snackstreet Boys--I Want A Fat Babe (new entry)
Those of you I email have seen the video. I'd karaoke it but it requires two singers at times.

5. Britney Spears--Everytime (new entry)
Once again I've successfully karaoked a pop diva tune using my old reliable Eddie Vedder voice.

6. Bruce Hornsby--Gonna Be Some Changes Made (last week: #1)

7. Matt Dusk--Every Mother's Son (new entry)
The odd thing about Dusk is, he looks like a Backstreet Boy but sounds like Sinatra.

8. Bill Hicks--Chicks Dig Jerks (new entry)
Hopefully, thankfully, this one is starting to become outdated. The chicks have begun to wise up!

9. Jimmy Eat World--My Sundown (last week: #3)

10. Matt Dusk--The Theme From Loaded Gun (new entry)
If there were a new Bond movie called "Loaded Gun", and Dusk was tapped to do the song for the opening credits, this would be it. Fuckin' hilarious!

11. Simple Kid--Staring At The Sun (new entry)
An Aerosmith-style drum beat combined with a Canned Heat-style vocal? Oddly, it works.

12. Gomez--Nothing Is Wrong (last week: #9)

13. Christine Lavin--The Kind Of Love You Never Recover From (last week: #2)

14. Barnes And Barnes--I Feel Depressed (last week: #4)

15. Trey Parker--On Top Of You (last week: #5)

16. Simple Kid--Supertramps And Superstars (new entry)
Very Kinks-sounding.

17. Avril Lavigne--My Happy Ending (last week: #7)

18. Christine Lavin--Bald Headed Men (last week: #6)

19. Todd Snider--The Ballad Of The Kingsmen (new entry)
Another perennial Dahl fave and underrated singer-songwriter with both funny and serious (and sometimes in-between) material.

20. Gomez--Silence (new entry)
Good video for this one at launch.com. Between Gomez and Simple Kid, we could be witnessing a new, covert British invasion.

Honorable mention:
Barnes And Barnes--I Love To Ride The Bus
Barnes And Barnes--Love Is So Noisy
Matt Dusk--Always
Matt Dusk--Cold As Ice
Matt Dusk--Don't Go Looking
Matt Dusk--Five
Fleetwood Mac--Silver Springs
Gomez--Catch Me Up
Gomez--There It Was
Sam Kinison--Are You Lonesome Tonight
Christine Lavin--Damaged Goods
Christine Lavin--I Bring Out The Worst In You
Christine Lavin--If You Want Space, Go To Utah
Christine Lavin--Like Father, Like Son
The Magnetic Fields--All My Little Words
Simple Kid--The Commuter
Simple Kid--Hello
Todd Snider--All Of My Life
Todd Snider--Talkin' Seattle Grunge Rock Blues
Todd Snider--You Think You Know Somebody

PS: No band names this week. Again.

SONGS I COULDN'T STOP LISTENING TO THIS WEEK

1. Bruce Hornsby--Gonna Be Some Changes Made (new entry)
Catchy as fuck. Sting sings backup. The beat reminds me very much of Nelly's "Ride Wit Me".

2. Christine Lavin--The Kind Of Love You Never Recover From (new entry)
I'm long overdue getting into her music. One of her serious songs. Made me weepy.

3. Jimmy Eat World--My Sundown (last week: #2)

4. Barnes And Barnes--I Feel Depressed (last week: #1)

5. Trey Parker--On Top Of You (last week: #5)

6. Christine Lavin--Bald Headed Men (new entry)
One of her funny songs. An anthem! We're here, we're bald, get used to it!

7. Avril Lavigne--My Happy Ending (last week: #8)

8. Sam Kinison--Are You Lonesome Tonight (last week: #10)

9. Gomez--Nothing Is Wrong (last week: #3)

10. The Magnetic Fields--All My Little Words (new entry)
Used in a memorable montage at the end of an episode of "The Shield". Makes a comeback now and then.

Honorable mention:
Blue Rodeo--It Hasn't Hit Me Yet
Christine Lavin--Damaged Goods
Christine Lavin--I Bring Out The Worst In You
Christine Lavin--If You Want Space, Go To Utah
Christine Lavin--Like Father, Like Son
Christine Lavin--Sensitive New Age Guys
Lowen And Navarro--Walking On A Wire
The Polyphonic Spree--Hold Me Now
Todd Snider--Statistician's Blues
Todd Snider--You Think You Know Somebody

PS: No band names this week.

NEW FEATURE: SONGS I COULDN'T STOP LISTENING TO THIS WEEK

Hoping to make this a weekly feature. These are the tunes that helped me get through the past week, and/or just wouldn't get out of my head.

1. Barnes And Barnes--I Feel Depressed
From B&B's 1991 album "Loozanteen". Toward the end sounds kinda like the Beach Boys' "Caroline No".

2. Jimmy Eat World--My Sundown
Steve Dahl played it the other day. Can't wait to karaoke it.

3. Gomez--Nothing Is Wrong
Dahl played it a couple of weeks ago. Would have been #1 last week.

4. The Polyphonic Spree--Hold Me Now
Weird. Eerie. Sort of like the Brady Kids formed some disturbingly cheerful cult. Drink the Kool-aid!

5. Trey Parker--On Top Of You
From "Cannibal! The Musical". He's singing about his horse that ran away.

6. Letters To Cleo--Here And Now
"Thecomfortofaknowledgeofariseabovetheskyabovecouldneverparallelthechallengeofanacquistioninthe..." A challenge at karaoke. A challenge I met!

7. Blue Rodeo--Hasn't Hit Me Yet
Oldie but a goodie. I can only handle country music if it's Canadian.

8. Avril Lavigne--My Happy Ending
A good one to karaoke in my Eddie Vedder voice.

9. Lowen And Navarro--Walking On A Wire
Perennial Dahl show faves. Way underrated.

10. Sam Kinison--Are You Lonesome Tonight
Gosh I love doing this one at karaoke. Had a chance to do it for the ex but chickened out. But not next time!

Honorable mention:
Barry Williams vs Eminem--The Real Greg Brady
Rex Stiff And The Kinky Morticians--The Dead Will Rise
The Magnetic Fields--All My Little Words
The Pursuit Of Happiness--I'm An Adult Now

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (AUG 20-26)

Kind of a short list this week, but better than nothing.

Them One Guys--tonight at Happy Badger
The Killer Flamingos--Saturday at Nick And Jimmy's

And the best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

Luther Wright And The Wrongs--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub

I AM SURVIVED! *

The following was forwarded to me by my sis, who also did not stay on the plane long enough. *

~~~~~~~~

People 35 and over should be dead. Here's why...

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law.

Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!

People under 35 are WIMPS

~~~~~~~~

* References to the classic Carlton Maloney plane crash tape. If you haven't heard it, T.S.

No band names this week.

THIS JUST IN!

TV Land has ordered at least 3 more installments of ALF's Hit Talk Show! In your face, TV MisGuide! The next one will air Friday, October 22. So let's restart the official countdown, shall we?

76 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT EPISODE OF ALF'S HIT TALK SHOW!

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (AUG 6-12)

Courageous Minority--Thursday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Grip Shifter--Saturday at Longhorn Saloon
Hot Carl--tonight & Saturday at M.T. Loonies
Infinite Number Of Sounds--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Lazy American Workers--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Legbone--Saturday at Mickey Finn's Pub
Remnant Of Winter--tonight at Longhorn Saloon
SirReal--Saturday at Brewed Awakenings
The Uglies--tonight at Longhorn Saloon

And my pick for the best band playing the Toledo area this week...

Great Girls Blouse--Monday at Howards Club H

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JUL 30-AUG 5)
 
Frayed Knot--tonight & Saturday at Firehouse 47 Bar And Grill
Solar Fist--Saturday at Longhorn Saloon
Glass Bead Game--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Beefcarvers--tonight & Saturday at Prime Time North
 
And the best band name playing the Toledo area this week, in honor of my mom, who would have turned 68 today (and would have been a great-grandmother as of yesterday)...
 
Dead Beat Moms--Saturday at Longhorn Saloon
 
PS: If you're wondering when I'm gonna write more stuff here at the Pond besides the band names, sorry, but I've not been sufficiently inspired lately. When I write something worth posting, you'll be the first to know. Until then, deal with it.
 

PS: My mother was supposed to turn 68 today. Top o' the world, ma! We miss you.

BEST BAND NAMES PLAYING THE TOLEDO AREA THIS WEEK (JUL 23-29)
 
Back from vacation and ready to rock ya, with the usual style and finesse!
 
Froghead--tonight, Saturday, Tuesday and Thursday at M.T. Loonies
The Science Of Big Machines--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Dirty Damn Band--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
Buck 69--Saturday at Minde Set Bar And Grill
Law And DisOrder--Saturday at Papa's Tavern
Paint Black Walrus--tonight at Moe's Chargrill, Saturday at Bronze Boar, Wednesday at Good Times Sports Bar And Grill
Box Of Cats--Thursday at Bronze Boar
Big Blues Bob And The Thin Ice--tonight at Bronze Boar
Voodoo Libido (with Eddie Kirkland)--tonight at Manhattan's
Fat Mouth Charlie And The Biscuit Rollers--tonight at Nick And Jimmy's
The Beatalls--Thursday at Carmel's
 
And my pick for the best band name playing the Toledo area this week...

Dr. Kilpatient--tonight at Mickey Finn's Pub
 

YAWN...3 QUICK ITEMS TO TIDE YOU OVER

1. So TV Misguide dissed ALF's Hit Talk Show. Like I give two shits.

That worthless rag lost whatever relevance and/or credibility it had left YEARS ago! I mean, really, do you know anyone with even a hint of brain matter in their skull who still wastes their money on that poor excuse for toilet paper? I'm proud to say I don't.

In the immortal words of Al "Grandpa" Lewis, "FUCK 'EM!"

2. I know I didn't post the weekly band names last Friday. For the third straight week there weren't any noteworthy band names in the area. Plus I was busy dealing with more important, personal matters. Sorry. Maybe this week.

3. This song by the Killers, "Somebody Told Me"...the lyrics puzzle me.

"Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year..."

Um...so is this some sort of time-lapsed love triangle involving a sex change operation? Man, and I thought I had weird three-way ideas!

CORRECTION...??? DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT EPISODE OF ALF'S HIT TALK SHOW

Please help me ensure that there is a next episode! Email postmaster@tvland.com and beg, plead, insist, demand that they continue the show!

PS: I'm planning on some changes to freshen up the Pond a bit, soon as I figure out what changes to make, and find time to make them.

5 DAYS UNTIL THE SECOND EPISODE OF ALF'S HIT TALK SHOW!

"Heeeeeeeeeere's ALF!"

And with that boisterous shout from Ed McMahon Wednesday night, the late night talk show torch was officially and undeniably passed directly from Johnny Carson to ALF.

Not Leno. Not Letterman. Not Arsenio. Not O'Brien. Not Kilborn. Not Sajak. Not Chevy Chase.

ALF!

What a fantastic premiere. My goombah has finally been given a horse he can ride! TV Land served it up right too. Wednesday nights at 10pm just became appointment viewing. (Which is too bad for South Park, but that always repeats several times later in the week anyway, so as ALF would say, no problem.)

Ed was great. The "spin-ins" ("Dr. Phil, Medicine Woman", "Spongebob Newhart", "Touched By A Charlie's Angel") were great. The cameo by Henry Winkler was cool (especially since he used to exec produce ALF's former time slot rival, "MacGyver"). Drew Carey was great. The man on the street bit fell flat (because ALF wasn't in it). Dennis Franz was okay (even though he's from a Bochco show and Bochco once dissed ALF...hiss!). And the girl with the ALF tattoo was a sweet bit.

And of course, throughout the show, the ol' ALFer was in top form, firing off superb one-liners left and right like a box of Roman candles dropped into a campfire. I know that coming from me this may sound biased, but facts are facts: ALF captured and brought back the feel and comedic rhythm of Carson like no other host has before or since.

The Shield, 22 Minutes and Family Guy better watch out...if ALF decides to compete for the 2005 ALF Cup, the whole season will be a mere formality!

***

PS: Sorry, but again this week the local band name selection was sorely lacking. Maybe next week.

APPROXIMATELY 13.5 HOURS UNTIL THE PREMIERE OF "ALF'S HIT TALK SHOW"!

In my case, though, it's more like 23.5 hours. I'll have to watch it on tape after work tomorrow morning. But the rest of you can tune in to TV Land tonight at 10pm!

It's been 14 long years since "ALF" got unfairly canned...tonight that horrible wrong will finally be put right! Enjoy!

3 DAYS UNTIL THE PREMIERE OF ALF'S HIT TALK SHOW!

And as we await my goombah's big night, Wednesday at 10pm on TV Land (check your local cable listings), the anticipation builds, much as I'm sure it does each week as ye, the loyal readers of the Pond, await the weekly list of band names. Well the band name selection was crap this week, likely due to the holiday, so there's no such list this week.

My sincere apologies for the inconvenience. I'm sure there are those of you who may find it hard to go on without the weekly band name fix, but you must try. Go out, enjoy life. Run. Play. Frolic. Visit the park. Learn a trade. Maybe take in the symphony (especially if they're homeless). Go see Fahrenheit 911 if you haven't already. Adopt a puppy. Plant a tree. Make a donation to the local sperm bank. Whatever.